Through The Night By Moonlight

Christmas time and want

2011-12-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

Christmas is rapidly approaching, well maybe not as rapidly as we think but it will be here before we know it. Luckily for me, I have a majority of presents bought...the wrapping and sending, that's a different story. And I love giving people presents for birthdays and Christmas and Easter and...well hell, I like giving presents to people to see their faces light up (hopefully) when they open a package wrapped as nicely as I can.

And yet...oh you knew there would be an "and yet"....I can't help but think about what *I* want for Christmas and know I won't be getting. Why? Because mostly they are things that are too expensive for people to get me. And without a loving spouse/boyfriend/anyone there that has a good paying job, I'm kinda up the crick.

So what ridiculous things do I want for Christmas that no one has money for? A new car? Nope. I have a car. It's a 93 and runs and I'm thankful for it. A luxurious trip somewhere? Well it would be nice but then I would have to take time off of work and lose money in doing it so...nope. I realized that what I really wanted for a Christmas present, or birthday present for that matter even though my birthday is half a year away, are things I feel I actually need.

A newer computer would be just grand. Mine works (obviously or I wouldn't be posting here), but it's 8 year or so old. That means that the CPU is not as powerful as some of the programs that are out there now so....yeah no games really since my computer can't handle them, and a few programs I do use max out the CPU when I run them. But I doubt anyone is going going to fork out for a computer.

A new microwave would be AWESOME. I have no clue how old the one I inherited is. It works, but I'm starting to worry it's on it's last leg soon. Believe me that it gets a good work out by me a lot of the time. But....probably not something anyone can afford to get me a really good one (I dream of the kind that is also a convection oven as well *droooool*). If I'm really lucky, and can find some way to save money, maybe next year I can find a good sale going on.

Yes I want some sillier items too. An Xbox360 because I want to play the Batman games on it, I'd love to have a blue-ray player since I'm a video nut, and a new vacume cleaner.... the more "in your fucking dreams" items like an actual one bedroom apartment or a new stove/oven for here....but I know that I will get things from people that actually care about me enough to buy me a present. And isn't that enough?

It should be enough to know that my mom will probably send me a few new sweaters (which right now would come in very very handy), and I will get some fun bobbles from friends, and hopefully some Christmas Cards as well. I know we're all hurting when it comes to the pocket book, me included. There are things I would love to do and buy for people, but I just can't. It really IS the thought that counts though. There are a lot of people that just wish that someone would remember them on Christmas. And so I'm trying to stave off the "wants" and accept whatever gift comes my way. Be it cookies, or a card, I know that person cared enough to take the time to think about me. That my friends, equates to love in my books.

And while I don't really have a lot of dosh to throw around, I think that this year there will be the attempt at some Christmas cooking going on here to simply be able to say, "I was thinking of you and love and appreciate you even if we rarely talk or get together. My thoughts and love are with you."

Wondering if I am just selfish

2011-11-27T20:58:00.000-08:00

Christmas time is officially here in three days time. Almost December and I have at least had an idea what to get those I am going to give gifts to. Let us hope that I have the money to buy them, and the money to ship some of them. But it makes me think about what I will NOT get this year, or next, or the next from anyone. It is the season to be giving and I try and do that with love and the money I can afford to spend. Hell, a lot of time I get myself in a bit of financial hot water over Christmas trinkets for people. Why? Because I love them and I want to give them something wonderful.

But that little piece of jealousy creeps in every year and it gets harder and harder to ignore it sometimes. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for whatever gift I get from people, but it's a sense of melancholia when I see boyfriends and girlfriends lavish their others. When husbands give wives a new Ipad, and I get a couple of books. Where is the person that is supposed to lavish me with an Xbox 360 that I would never imagined anyone getting me? Well, they aren't there and so I wind up feeling alone and bitter and then selfish.

I've lived for at least 8 years alone now, by myself in a studio apartment. There is no cat. There is no roommate. Just me and the space and my movies to keep me company (and of course my friends who I talk with on the phone). I don't really have room for a Christmas tree, but I'm trying to make room this year because I need that. I need to feel like I'm not outside looking in anymore. But I'm selfish. I know I am to some degree. I crave what I cannot have and it makes me bitter at times. The thoughts of "why not me?" have been constant for a long time now. And I understand why people say "It's enough to drive a man to drink." although I'm too anal to go down that road really. Too obsessed with the fact that I'm the "responsible" one and at the same time dying to not be.

For the majority, all my friends are already in a relationship with someone one, or married. I keep wondering, why not me? Where is mine? And maybe that's why I don't have one, a relationship...too greedy for it. I simply have to have faith that somewhere, the man I'm looking so hard to find is out there. I don't give a damn if we're both poor as church mice. We'd be poor together, and as long as we were/are in love with each other....then we're two against the world instead of just the "friend" who is loved and gets his Christmas presents....but still feels slightly outside no matter how much we care about each other.

I don't know if that's wrong or not. I don't know if I really AM selfish or not for wanting to have someone surprise me with gifts I never imagined. I just know that I always feel a little like the kid looking in at a toy store and knowing that his folks can't afford anything in there. Yeah, I'm the "socks for Christmas" kid in that scenario, but I'll be grateful for the socks anyway. At least I know I was thought of.

2011

2011-11-09T23:03:00.000-08:00

It's been over 4 years now since I wrote here. So many things have changed, so much has happened over the course of time. I forgot what it was like to have a place to put my thoughts.

And how odd is it that with so much change, it feels as if nothing has sometimes. I'm still where I was to some degree. Same place, same job, same life almost. The only things that have changed have been silly items like facebooking and twitter. Watching Glee tonight just reminded me how much I want my life to change for the better. How much I want someone to be there next to me, with me. And how much I don't feel like I fit in even with the gay community.

I know I'm not some 20 year old running out there to find life. I feel like those years were stolen from me in a lot of ways along with parts of my youth. And I'm not sure just who the hell I am sometimes anymore. Which "me" am I? Who does the person I'm dealing with want me to be? Who am I supposed to be and is it even really me at some point. I just know that someone out there wants me for me. It's the only thing I have to keep hoping for, that I'll find that person one day. Silly as it sounds, I saw them in a dream and I know they exist somewhere. I just don't know where.

I wish I was 25 again. Wish I could go back and try and make things better for myself. Wish that I could find the capacity to not be so shy and open up and not feel like I'm a dork whenever I meet someone I think is attractive. But that door is shut. I'm 45 and living in a studio apartment which is all I can afford. And that has to be enough for now.

Sure, I still wait for the knight in shining armor. I still want to be swept off my feet. I still want to be able to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me. I just don't understand how it all works anymore. I know it can happen, and I am still praying that it does happen. Maybe this coming year. Maybe if I'm good to myself, someone else might come along and see me and decide I am what they want too.

Wednesday and Bob Dylan

2007-02-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

Bob Dylan's lyrics have always spoken volumes to me. He's written songs that sometimes I think were about my life and soul at times. Happy, sad, wandering, lost....my life. Bowie said in A Song For Robert Zimmerman that Dylan has a voice like "sand and glue"....but I don't care. Bob was there for me when my father died. He was there for me when we had to sell the condo I lived in with my father and I had no idea where I was going to go, or where I was going to live. Bob Dylan is about the only thing I play on guitar with the exception of the one song I ever wrote in my life. Probably the one and only. Bob has been my comfort, and the man that sings out my life.

Everything has a beginning. When it starts it's fresh and shiny and full of the wonders of what could be. And, everything has an ending. It may or may not be shiny and full of the wonder that it started out with, but it hopefully leaves a lasting mark on the Universe somehow. A statement of "I was here. I existed." It just feels like it's the time for this place to come to an end. It won't go out with a whimper, nor a bang, nor tears of either joy or sorrow. It will simply stand as the statement that I was here.

Life has a way of going up and down, sideways at times. Mine is no different from anyone else's in the world. But it's becoming more and more difficult to make myself write here. I may eventually start writing again, but it seems doubtful at the moment. I need to go out and live a non-virtual life, find my path that I feel I have wandered too far away from.

To all the wonderful people who have filled my life with friendship and joy, I am not going to be forgetting any of you.

Bob Dylan says in Like A Rolling Stone

" When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?"

I'm feeling like that rolling stone again...so it's time to roll along a little ways and try and find where I can find that direction home.

So I leave you with a little more from Bob, something that I hope still means something to us all.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

Thank you Jon, and Rey, and Ryan, and Jim, and Albert, and Camilla, and M'lady, and all the rest of you. May the Universe smile on us all and bring us love and light.

As always...

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD!!! Be LOVED!

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

Tuesday

2007-01-30T21:17:00.000-08:00

Costa Rica was pretty amazing...of course I feel like I didn't sleep at all in the last 48 hours since I got back, but hey, how often do you get to have your boss send you to pick friggin coffee on a mountainside?

The people there were amazingly friendly, kinda, polite, nice, and all the other adjectives I can't think of. I was blow away by it. Genuinely nice people were all I seemed to meet except for one guy on the street of San Jose that hassled us for money. There are too many pictures to post.

And otherwise, the world seems to have turned, life has gone on and I have a slightly different outlook on things. I'm hoping that it all continues. Need to push myself again but maybe after tomorrow when I feel more back to the swing of things.

Life can kick ya in the head a couple of times, but sometimes that's a good thing too. Makes you start to think more, realize things that you may not have before, ponder knew questions and new options. Hard for me because I get trapped in routine a lot. Focus too hard on one or two things and forget the other stuff.

What I do know is this, I may be a fool and a hopeless (or hopefull) romantic, but I still hold fast to the concept that love with see you through anything. Sometimes it's hard to remember that. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it will, but it's one of the few things I truly have faith in. Without it, I think I'd fall to complete pieces and would shatter into all the millions of molecules of the universe.

And here's the wackiest part of it all, no matter how bad things seem to get...I realized a long time ago that love is the only truth out there, and as long as you have it...well things seem to turn out ok. Just realized that this afternoon actually. The people that you honestly love and who have that place no one else can take from you heart? They're always there. That's something I have to remember. It was kinda proved to me with a friend of mine and how things worked out between us over almost a decade of friendship now.

So fill up your hearts! Tell your friends how much you love them because ya know what? People need to hear that. Honestly, people need to hear that they are loved, and you'd be surprised at what that one simple act can do for someone.

My list is rather long for folks to say I love you to, and I would feel bad if I left anyone out but I do just want to say that I love you Jon, Mikey, Ryan, Rey, Albert, Scott, Jim, Alden, Camilla, M'lady, Ari, Marko and all my friends. My arms are always open for ya. And if you're name wasn't there it doesn't mean my arms are closed off to you. I hope that I have arms big enough to embrace the world. So go out there and embrace it yourselves!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Peter, Paul, and Me

2007-01-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

A quick update to all that read this little site. I'm actually going to be gone (unlike the non-existant postings) for a week to the sunny shores of Costa Rica to see how coffee is grown and cultivate, picked and processed before it hit the shop I work for as 50lb bags of green coffee beans.

While I haven't been posting much, the cobwebs are slowly dissipating, new and grander visions of the future are brewing, and life is happening (although sometimes I don't feel like it is).

Doug said in a comment about my last post " Hopeless romantic fool. I love it." Well he's right, as most of you that read here know. I am a hopeless romantic. I do honestly believe that love is a conquering force in this Universe. Thank you to everyone that takes the time to comment here. I may not return them all the time, but they are appreciated and make me smile.

I wrote a little something while waiting for my passport to be processed the other day and I thought I'd post it here. Just a little observational poem while having a smoke, sitting by a statue on the streets of San Francisco. He was a little black bird that called out once as he shot through the intersection through the crossing crowd that day. Funny what will inspire us no?

Brazen! Reckless, incredulous
you dart in front of casual glancers, passers by, streaming metal giants.
A single sound issued forth.
A call? An Alarm? An announcement?
The world seems to care naught for you.
Do you care of the world?
And only perhaps one sees you,
watching as you streak to destinations unknown.
Like through liquid you sail past, gone to whither your whim.
And I alone watch you depart through the ethers ushered by a single call.

I've decided to leave with images lately. Pictures to remind me, and you, that there is love and good stuff out there....now let's go get it!!!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! BE LOVED!!

Dig this....Think Love!

2007-01-11T22:20:00.000-08:00

What's on my mind? Love. What else?

I'm not exactly back to writing here yet. Not until I get the cobwebs under control and sort through the boxes that I have left for far too long in the back recesses. May take a while, but it's got to be done. For now though, I simply wanted to send out some love into the universe. I just think that we all could use a little more of it right now. And honestly, what's better than seeing two guys kissing when it looks like they really mean it?

So dig it! THINK LOVE! (hm...maybe I need to put that on a T-shirt)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!!

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T01:06:00.000-08:00

Sing out for the New Year, the old year goes out, the new year comes in, and we're still together singing...laughing....and trying to love each other.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

A beginning

2006-12-28T13:01:00.000-08:00

Closed for remolding, remodeling, rebuilding, re-invigorating.....

I need a break. I need a break from everything, not just work, not just the day to day endless drone but from everything. There aren't really words anymore. There are only constant things I need to fix be it in here in my grey cells, my life, or at work. I need a life again. This space is not going away, but I am for a while.

I'm sadly not finding it hard to walk away from here for a while. I think that's the point. I used to be a relatively fun person, quirky, silly at times, and lately I feel like I'm just a bitch at heart. Last night I realized I need to redefine my life, but that can't be done in pixelated 1's and 0's. It has to be done away from the job that is currently my life, and away from being online more than out in the real world.

In terms of the Tarot, I am the Hermit again. I am out there searching with my light to try and find the wisdom, but I'm getting waylaid every time I start that search. So in true Hermitical style, I'm abandoning my "home" for a while to live out side of the ruckuss. I hope that when I do come back that I'll be even more sagely, better adapted to handle all the thorns and annoyances of day to day life.

Search for me in the stars if you wish. I always find myself looking up there at them. Perhaps we'll be meeting up there for a while until I come back to this place and tell the tales. Currently though, I feel like an artist staring at a blank canvass wondering if his first pencil stroke towards a painting is in the wrong place, or will create not what he wanted, or if he can find the painting in the void.

As McCarther said, "I shall return."
Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!!!!

Friday/Saturday

2006-12-23T00:38:00.000-08:00

Christmas came early for me. I've had a package sitting here in the studio. I wanted to open it, but I just stared at it for what seemed like forever. It was from Jon, and I just wanted to peak into it....but I didn't. That is...until last night when my package to him arrived at his house. I got two presents, and one wasn't in the box.

My family had a tradition of opening stuff on Christmas Eve. I've always tried to have one thing to open on Christmas day because that's when "Santa" would have left us kids the "big" present. But...I wanted to open our presents together, me and Jon on the phone becuase it was going to be the closest thing I would have to actually being there with him. So to me, that was a major part of my present was being able to open his (and yes there is a picture), and him open mine together. I couldn't think of anything better really....although what he sent me is so friggin amazing that I'm sharing it with you all.

For those that don't know, Jon created these himself. He made them, mached them, painted them and they are absolutely amazing pieces of art. He sent me the three in the background of the picture (Alice Cooper, Pee Wee Herman, and a Gangster that I think ROCKS!). The Wolf and Red Ridinghood I bought from him several months ago. The Dogfish and Catsfish were presents he sent me and ya know what....they're all amazing. I've never really had any artworks before...just posters on the wall, but now I have something that reminds me again and again how wonderful, talented, and amazing he is.

Sometimes, someone comes into your life for a reason. They don't have to know it, and sometimes you don't either. It just happens. For me, I just know that I'm a lucky man to have him in my life. Christmas doesn't mean spend tons of money on me....not to me. It means that the present you send comes from the heart, and he knew that I'd love these guys and gave them to me. THAT means a lot to me. Sure presents are nice, expensive stuff is nice, but to have something that someone made with all the effort behind it...priceless! I am eternally greatful to have someone like this in my life. I'm glad that the Universe stepped in and said, "Here. This is a person who will appreciate you, and who you will appreciate." Just another testiment to love in my book.

Thank you Jon for my kids, for you kids who are now my kids. You can come and visit them anytime.

Be Safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Wendesday...sniffle...

2006-12-20T22:04:00.000-08:00

I have a mantra that I chant every now and then and it goes a little something like this, "I am NOT sick." (repeat)

While it's colder in other areas of the US and around the globe, the combination of cold air and my open sinuses from Hot and Sour soup was a bad idea. Now I know it's really time to start thinking about movin on from this studio. There is nothing worse than sleeping under two blankets with a shirt on and a sweater AND a space heater going and still being cold. And it looks like maybe I got one. Course the other mantra I chant to myself is "It's just my sinuses. I'll be fine tomorrow." You'd be surprised at what the human mind can do for the human body given the chance. Yes, I am about to sip on my herbal tea (Rosemarry, Peppermint, and Chamomile) and will be shovelling down my gullet until I feel better.

Did I mention that I'm a whiner? When I'm sick I am a terrible patient. I get even MORE independant and want to take care of myself, but secretly want someone to come bring me soup and snuggle up next to me to keep me warm. But alas, since I was about 18 or so, I've been the doctor to everyone else...including myself. Just wishin I had a nurse! (Ryan you're lucky to have that sexy Mikey as your nurse....send me one, or send me Jon?)

So, in the long run, don't worry. I'll be fine (yes I am a Jewish mother at heart). I actually will. I just have to gauge how I feel when I get up tomorrow morning. The upside is that after $75 at Target, I now have a radiator style oil heater with thermostat control. I figure one night at 75 degrees won't kill my electric bill and if it does? Fuck em! For once I'm gonna be as warm as I want so I don't have to wear as much shit to bed so I can actually get some decent sleep!

Is it really four days from Christmas? Yup. God help me cause if I feel all dragged out tomorrow I'm just going to have to lump it. Mom WILL have her present and so will my nephew even if it's only a gift certificate! Colds, sinuses, WEATHER be damned! My inner galant knight just kicked into gear and it shall be done by God! SO MOTE IT BE! :)

Sending through the cosmos the vibes of love.
Filling in the spaces with good cheer and laughter.
Placing so many kisses on so many faces.
Arms are open to embrace them all.
Brightest Blessings to everyone!

Be safe. Be well (me included). Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Monday

2006-12-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

Monday's are hell. It's back to work, and back to routine, and back to the same old same old. Hard to believe that soon it's going to be Christmas. Not really though, last two days I've woken up to find ice on my windshield. Yes, even here we're a bit frosty and so have I been.

Truth is that if I didn't get a milk order today I wouldn't have remembered it was Tuesday. The week is coming up fast on me and I have a few last minute Christmas things to do. Money may be tight, but it's Christmas goddamnit, and there are folks that deserve to get a little something even if it's not much more than a card or an ecard. One last thing to send out for my mom. She's the only one in my immediate family that bothers to think of me at holidays and birthdays. That's been on my mind a lot lately.

You sometimes take things for granted. When you're a kid, birthdays mean presents and friends, Christmas means presents and family. Now....sometimes I wonder what is going to happen when she's gone. My dad is gone now 10 years, and I keep thinking about how I could have been better to him. I should be better to mom, keep in touch more, call more often, try to visit....but the sad thing is that while I love her, I just don't seem to know how to deal with her. The rest of the family? They have their own families to think of. Somehow I think that mom and me are in the same boat to some degree.

I keep getting and then losing a Christmas spirit. My boss, madman that he may be, decorated the store last night after closing apparently. I arrived all frosty and chilled to be greeted by a tree in the window with lights a blaze. I think that is the tree I've seen all season. Hell, I don't even think I saw one in the mall. It was nice actually. Ribbons and wreaths hung up in the shop. It finally began to feel a little bit like actual Christmas.

I felt exhausted today at work for no good reason. I was snappy, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to be there, just wanted to be home and away from the world. I don't know why. Probably all the other stuff on my mind. But there was this odd little moment when i went to do dishes and I started to sing this to myself, it's a chant I learned years ago,

"We all come from the Goddess,
and to Her we shall return,
like a drop of rain,
flowing to the ocean.
Isis Astarte Diana
Hecate Demeter Kali
Inanna"

Sometimes it helps to just try and comune when you're doing the mindless things. I sang it over and over again and I started to finally feel better. It's hard when there are few people to honestly discuss this sort of thing with. My boss laughs when I bring up my religion. Dan simply disbelieves entirely. Why is is that what helps you through seems to almost always be brought into question if it isn't Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Budhistic, etc? Can't people get it that it's all one anyway? The whole damn Universe is one for crying out loud, and we're just little pieces of it. Sister Moon, brother Bear, and me. Really, what's the difference in the long run? None that I see. Just wish I could remember this when dealing with the customers that drive me to want to drink or yell.

I talk to Them every morning before I open the doors. It's part of my ritual for the morning. I stand outside with a cup of coffee and cigarette and talk for a little, let Them know that I love Them for all They've done and do for me. I make little requests, ask questions, and lately ask for Their help. Each time I have asked for something, while it may take a while from within the day to maybe a few days, it's happened. May not always be what I was expecting, but my requests are generally granted. They aren't big. I don't ask for millions of dollars, new cars, just small things that come from my heart. This is how I know that They are there and listening. And this is how I know that love truly is the answer, because if it wasn't, I don't think that things would happen the way that they do.

While this is my place. The place where I come to talk to myself at times, and to burst open my cranium and spleen....

All that are named, all that are not named,
all of them are loved.
Brightest Blessings

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!

Sunday

2006-12-17T17:25:00.000-08:00

Jacques Brel is singing to me in words I don't understand, but I do at the same time. It's in his voice, his music, and from his soul. Music, the saving grace. The thing that I always come back to when I have to. Calming, soothing, understanding, and sometimes healing.

Sometimes I think I love too much and it frightens people. It makes them scared, or doubt me. Yes, there are people out here in the world that are willing to stand by you forever and love you forever no matter what. Do I love him? Without a doubt. Will that change? No.

Quand On N'a Que L'Amour

1 Quand on n'a que l'amour
À s'offrir en partage
Au jour du grand voyage
Qu'est notre grand amour
Quand on n'a que l'amour,
Mon amour toi et moi
Pour qu'éclatent de joie,
Chaque heure et chaque jour.
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour vivre nos promesses
Sans nulle autre richesse
Que d'y croire toujours
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour meubler de merveilles
Et couvrir de soleil
La laideur des faubourgs
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour unique raison
Pour unique chanson
Et unique secours

2 Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour habiller matin
Pauvres et malandrins
De manteaux de velours
Quand on n'a que l'amour
À offrir en prière
Pour les maux de la terre,
En simple troubadour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
À offrir à ceux-là
Dont l'unique combat
Est de chercher le jour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour tracer un chemin
À chaque carrefour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour parler aux canons
Et rien qu'une chanson
Pour convaincre un tambour

3 Alors, sans avoir rien
Que la force d'aimer,
Nous aurons dans nos mains,
Ma mie, le monde entier

Merci Jacques, merci mon ami. Vous aviez raison. Je prie que vous avez raison.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be loved.

Saturday night

2006-12-16T23:39:00.000-08:00

Probably the biggest question in life is always "Why?". Problem is, no one knows. No one can answer it for you but you. Is that we keep secrets from ourselves? I mean, do we know the answer to that question but we tuck it away and just ignore it? Why....it's one that creaps up on me time and again.

I've started to think that maybe, just maybe it's time for a massive break from things. Maybe just turning off the computer completely, but it is like a bad addiction because I'm an email addict. On the weekends I check it pretty regularly just because. During the week it's usually two or three times a day. And that means, I am tied down to my computer. I can get lost in the internet. It's not just for porn ya know.

There are cobwebs in my head again and I don't know how to clear them out exactly, but, perhaps tomorrow is that long walk day. (if it's not raining) It always seems to help. Just pop in some music and start walking. It's funny because as long as there is music, I don't really need a direction or place to go...I can just walk. Yeah, there's always stuff on the brain ain't there? Seems that all those cobwebs and dust bunnies never really go away completely. Maybe I just need a good mental floss? (ok, so I can still attempt bad humor)

Christmas is coming up. I have something for my mom thank god. Cards have gone out. Now I simply have to wait for one last thing to arrive hopefully on Monday and I can send out my packages.

And again, I ask why. I wish I knew other than a large portion of me says, "Because you love." I just hope that is enough. It kinda has to be because what else is there if you don't have love? Doesn't matter if you are giving it or recieving it, it's like air...rather I think it is. Then again I'm a stupid romantic.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved

Monday

2006-12-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

It's the memory of the night walking by the water talking with Selene and realizing that I don't spend that time anymore. Why? It's not as if She was any less important now. As a matter of fact, I think that sometimes my Dieties are now more important at this time than ever. I felt so connected at that point. I felt that I heard Her talk to me. Was it only my mind? If so, I don't care because the things I heard made sense, helped me figure things out, muddle through them all.

This season is a confusing one. It's that time where I feel I have to give something to my blood relations whether or not I want to. Do I? Well, partially yes, but the sense of not knowing them anymore to some degree makes this all the more difficult. How do I go looking for that present that says "Mom", or "Brother and Wife", even "Nephew" when I don't know what they are doing anymore or what their interests are. Of course, it's not really like they are making the effort either except for Mom.

The only saving grace was that I felt rather Christmasy by sending out cards again this year. Now I wonder if they look silly, or stupid, or egotistical. I suppose I'll find out soon enough. But I felt I needed to do something, to say something. Maybe I just need a bit of decoration here, but there's limitted space and until I move into something bigger and better, a tree would be in the way.

I sat singing tonight with friends at the shop. Silly stuff, but it was nice. There's a wierd feeling to be had for finding yourself syncronized with folks in voice. We made up lyrics on the fly, doo-wopped a bit, and laughed a lot. Could I honestly go back to performing? Do I have that in me anymore? Part of me craves that artistic outlet. I want the stage again, but it comes with a price that's rather heavy. Loss of time, lack of sleep, possibly lack of income and I think I've just become too lazy. I look for a muse and then think in a second later, what's the point. Didn't we play this game once before? Haven't I grown up some and moved into something new? So why does it still pull at me?

I need more moonlit walks. I need more forests and rivers and pathways to wander while I talk. Concrete surrounds me a great deal and my own little garden is looking cold and lonely. I know it will come back and I will want to be out there more, but now it's simply something I have to tend until Spring when it will come back to me.

I wish I knew where the muses went. Did I turn my back on them? They turn their backs on me? Where is it? Where did I lose myself again to the world? Something must be done but I don't know what it is. In the meantime, I shall try again and again to be the person I want to be. I'll be the one that tries to live the proper way, give a little more, do the things I always thought should be done. To hell with money. What's it anyway but paper with only the value that we put on it. I hate it, but I hate feeling helpless without it. I know I need to push myself more...I'm just stuck in a rut spinning my wheels and trying to get myself out of the mud.

Reminder: You have people that love and care about you whether or not you know it. You have people that love and care about you when you think maybe you don't. You are NOT alone in all of this. Be thankful, and show them that you love them too.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be loved.

Saturday

2006-12-09T17:51:00.000-08:00

Providence. Noun. 1a often capitalized : divine guidance or care b capitalized : God conceived as the power sustaining and guiding human destiny

It rains. It pours and yet I'm still protected. Providence intervenes for me. So many things that seemed to be going out right wrong lately. I hermitized them all inside myself, not willing mostly to open up about it all.

The day should have been a good one. Breakfast after a nice long leasurely shower...playing around later on my Itunes to make my mix for the Pod to get me through the day. Breakfast is always at my favourite little place near home. They know me well enough that I don't have to order. It's comforting. I chat with the wait staff. It's like a little slice of home coming every weekend....until you realize you locked your keys in your car. Still it was like a little home because of the care and genuine worry from T as she asked what was wrong.

$50 dollars and half an hour in the wind whipping up from the incoming storm later, I am in my car and driving home. I'm pissed. I'm pretty much broke by this stupidity. My secondary set of keys to the studio and the extra car key (which I found thank the Goddess) were sitting here on my desk. But....again, providence intervened. Having been the foolish soul that believes in saving his change in a large bag, I found (thanks to coin machine) I had saved $58 dollars. The car was paid for and I am back in the slightly blackish section of finances for the moment.

The Divine does take care of us. When things go wrong, there's usually something good coming soon after I'm learning slowly. Love for instance. Love never goes away. Never forsakes you. Is a constant if it is true. For that I am eternally greatful. I would be lost if not for love. Now, looking at things through slightly fresher eyes, I realize that my love is just as strong as ever, and that all my fears were for nothing.

Things may change. That's the nature of life. Things have a way to doing and undoing themselves around us like a beautiful cord. But the cord is always there, simply slightly a different configuration from what it had been.

Am I still happy? Yeah. The stress and repulsion of my day in day out working situation still bothers me, but I'm happy. I have people that love and care for me. Money will come and go, but love is constant and does conquer all. Don't for one moment ever doubt that. Don't forget that. And don't forget that Divine Providence is out there reguardless of what others may think. The Goddess provides for me. She listens and gives me what I need, maybe not always how I expect it, but I know in my heart that She is there watching out for me.

There are people that I feel I need to say something to right now and that is;

I love you Ryan. You remain my little brother always. Remember one thing, your brother is always here when you need me, good or bad times. And Mikey, I hope that you know that should you need me, I'll be there for you as well.

I love you Jon. I will always love you and will be here. You bring so much happiness to me. Words can't begin to say thank you enough.

My friend Jim, you remain a wonderous man and one that I am very pleased to have in my life. You're friendship means more than I can say.

Thank you Rey for all that you've done for me, for all the friendship that you show, and the insight that you give.

Brad, you amaze me at times. I'm very glad that we've met and I hope that I can eventually get out to see you and Justin. I'll bring the cold lemonaide for the porch.

And to all my other friends, just know how appreciated you truly are. I haven't said that enough lately, and I'm sorry. If I don't seem to tell you all enough, you are all wonderous people who have enriched my life, and are greatly appreciated.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday

2006-12-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

It's cold in here. It's been that way for a while and I can't seem to warm it up. What do you do when the outside invades? Can you shut it all out eventually? Can you muddle through? Can you see the stars through the clouds. Just to know that they're there. That it's real.

I lived in dreams a lot. Live in my head a lot. Forget that sometimes things aren't like that dream. Can I make it so? Is it all fantasy, or is it realizations? Do dreams ever actually end? I hate the idea of what if. I hate the idea of what if realities.

Right now, I need my boyfriend more than ever. I just want him here with me. Just to snuggle up next to, or watch him sleep, or just to have someone to say hello to when I come home. I wonder if that's really too much to ask of the Universe?

Hey, go and check out Inside Stephen . His post of a bit o' poetry was just....well it was about me, but about him, but about me. Maybe that's why I love poetry. It reaches inside of you, grabs ahold of something, and you feel connection.

Sunday

2006-12-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

Is it enough? Yeah....to me it is. There's a sense of faith and trust that I haven't had before. Sometimes hard to deal with, but, nonetheless I wouldn't change anything. But am I doing enough? That's the big issue to me. Could I do things better, work harder, try harder? yeah...I think I could, and I'm planning on doing just that.

My Christmas plans are ... well a bit stimied until tomorrow night when I can hopefully get this damn picture done. Why do I want to send out cards? Because it's one of the few ways I can show folks how much they mean to me and that their friendship means a lot. Sometimes something little, even a card, means a great deal (specially when you're as sentimental as I am).

The mindspace has been really wierd for me lately. Stress at work, should be eating better...a lot of those little things that remind me that I need to not take my job so seriously. Need to get away from it being my life, because if I don't, I'm worried that I'm going to miss something miraculous. Still...maybe it's just time to change up again? Move on to a new job? Maybe I just need to change me a little.

My nephew smiled at me tonight. Then an amazing thing happened...I got my first giggle from him. Yes, silly uncle stuff but it seems to be a big hit with him! he smiled and giggled at me, grabbed my fingers and ate one for a while (hey, baby drool ain't so bad when it's your nephew ok!), and damn but do I love him. He may not be my kid, but I love that little bugger. Course, I love his folks too. They ... well I don't know what to say about them. They're just wonderful people who I'm glad are my friends.

Deconstruction of the studio began. I'm throwing out things finally. Part of my past is leaving me forever and thank the Goddess! I've found more space, but now I feel I need to really organize it. Small spaces can be difficult when you don't do this house cleaning often enough. Boxes of stuff you never use...gone! Next it's going to have to be things like books which is going to be SO damn hard to get rid of. Course, I have a used bookstore so..credit towards MORE book! Luckily for me though....they usually don't have much of what i want to read so, I guess the credit will go to buying those books I meant to read and never did. I want to read the classics more. Want to delve into things like Cantebury Tales, Moby Dick, 1984, and Keats and Shelley. It helps though that they do sell graphic novels (the comics thank you) so I can feed that moster a bit too.

I hope to soon have this place in shape. I hope to figure out what to do about the job situation cause i do want a bigger place. I want to have a place for me and Jon one day. All that good stuff in my head. Yes, I gush. But who gives a crap? He makes me happy and I love him. So why the hell wouldn't I want to give him the world? But first, I guess it's gotta start with me getting off my ass and finishing cleaning...then figuring out the job and all that stuff.

Guess cleaning it therapudic, cobwebs are gone, old negativity vanishing, and now all that room for good stuff. Yeah...*smile* I already got good stuff, but I plan on making more...for everyone.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Saturday night mental ramble

2006-12-02T23:14:00.000-08:00

It only takes a little word every now and then. Just something to remind you how lucky you are. I'm forced to remember this fact because I am the luckiest man I know of. Sometimes it is hard to remember that when the world hits ya in the face. But there are always people that, quite unknowingly, show ya how lucky you are.

Why is is that we are so caught up in the world around us? I'm the worst of it. I think I need thicker skin at times. I was good before and had this castle keep that only I could get into. An inner-sanctum that I would hole myself up in. Friends were allowed everywhere else, but only I had the key to that door in me. Now, it's more like a chamber lushly set all velvet and candle lit, with an access key but only one other person gets to have that, and and I gave that to my man.

I worry too much. Always have. Needing to find the way to deal with that other than just stewing about things. I'm thinking that it's time again to get deep down in my religioun. Not go hog wild about it, but be more diligent to some degree. I always forget that They are there until I need something badly. That's not what it should be. My beliefs say that I should be able to access the Universe all times good or bad and should remember that, not just go to Them when things are bad. But then again I don't always do that. Hell, half the time I've been thanking Them like crazy. Just seems that I need to spend a little more time working with and listening to Them.

My spirituality says that there is limitless options out there. We all have amazing power within us and yet I forget that. Silly me...They're with me all the damn time and I talk with Them every night and morning and still, I forget.

I think about folks all the time. I wonder how they are, wonder what's going on for them, care about them and still don't email or call. How do I break that? How to not get caught up in the day to day?? There has to be a way to do this and I know I need to work on that. Which brings to mind the want for a better job and more money which brings to mind the day to day aspects which makes me slightly crazy for remembering now to not think about it. ... I think I need a major time spent in some meditation...or something. Makes me smile in that, "damn I'm an idiot" way cause I know all of this now, but tomorrow??

It all seems so petty when I look at it, cause I know that I have this amazing boyfriend who loves me, so how can anything bad? And I have friends that love me, so bad could it be? And I love Jon more than there are words for it in any language, so what's to complain about? My friend Brad helped me remember tonight that indeed, like I said before, love can conquer all. And no matter what comes at me..I have my friends, and I have a man that I love beyond measure...and he loves me....and that makes all the world all right. So all the petty little problems that come at me.... well they can all take a flyin fuck! Cause I got love, and lots of it from all sort of folks.

And best of all to me, I have a man that truly is amazing. Sweet, kind, funny, yes adorable...and god how I love him. And THAT truly is a blessing.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Late night Friday/Saturday morning

2006-12-02T01:02:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend Jon reminds me, daily, of what a person should be. How? Because he's the one that reminded me that we should be more accepting of everyone as they are. Here's one of the most beautiful people (inside and out) that you'd ever meet, and he's smarter than I am half the time. Thank you babe for showing me how to "roar" at night and vent what needs to be.

People can do stupid shit. They tend to get under my skin and work their ways into my brain and make me crazy. No, literally I feel that I got crazy and the worst things come to my brain at a million miles. It's like particals travelling at light speed and they won't be able to be stopped to be examined. This causes me to open my mouth and vomit out things that sometimes even I didn't know I was going to say.

But I have my baby. I have this beautiful man to constantly remind me that there are people who make me sane, keep me sane, and accept things for what they are. Hell, it's been a long journey for me from friends to being in love. An amazing journey that I'm still taking and never want to get off this wierd ride. As long as Jon is there, what do I care what people do or say or think?

My friends will always be there and that I know. The people in my life that love and accept me unconditionally will always be there, and for that I'm greatful. My fam will always be the Endless through out eternity and there for me whether I know it or not (yes I know this by strange means otherwise known to me as The Universe)
....but I was blessed to have this amazing man to love, who loves me and seems to help me grow. And I will walk through fires with him and for him. Can i just say unequivically....Jon, you make my world so much brighter, and thank you for all that you are, all that you do for me, and for being my man. You are my heart.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!

World AIDS Day

2006-11-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

Feeling as if I am the last to know this. Torrow is World AIDS Day. Thanks to my friend Rey for posting the link below. Please go there and light a candle. Share a story if you have one. Mine goes out to Gerald...my beautiful friend who is missed still.

https://www.lighttounite.org/

Thursday...and a secret revealed

2006-11-30T19:16:00.000-08:00

Phase one of my Christmas plans in action. Now I have to get the photo together for my cards. And why send them? Because people need to know, even if only at one or two times of the year how special they are. How even if you don't talk for long periods of time that they are cared for and thought about. And it's Christmas for cryin out loud! Last year, there was no spirit for me....but this year I want to wrap up presents for the world!

My man....Jon :) What can I say other than I'm dreaming of the time Jon and I can be together. Fantasy of sitting infront of a fire on Christmas eve with all our loved ones with us...together. I wish I knew how to truly say to him how much I love him and how much he means to me. Maybe that's the essence of love though that there are no words....just feeling. All I know is that he makes me happy, makes me feel like everything is all right. Just looking at his picture does this to me. "Is that the way love acts?" someone asked me...my answer is, "Fuckin A right it is!"

What to do about the family? The blood relatives. Presents need to be sent. I need to get a passport as well, and expidited because I'm getting sent for 4 days to Costa Rica in January. (at least it's going to be warm!) Mostly business going to see production at one of the farms we buy coffee from, but there is a few days freetime for me and my coworker. So how do I afford presents, passport, and still manage things like rent, utitilities? Guess that's what Christmas is about though...cause I don't really care about the money that much. Rent being paid and the phone and PG&E....I've learned to eat creatively when need be.

My little brother Ryan said in a comment " i love buyin gifts they feelin it gives me inside kinda like when mikeys near." (Mikey being his boyfriend) and he's right. I think that feeling of finding just the right thing for someone. Or surprising someone that wasn't expecting anything and watching their eyes light up. That's my joy on Christmas and giving presents. Yes I am also greedy and love getting presents, but to some degree I actually prefer the giving. This year having someone I feel so committed to in love, well I want to shower my babe with presents but I'm not sure the pocket will allow that. Maybe it's time to get creative again.

There is so much love. So much love flowing lately just in general that I feel that the world must be gearing up for something wonderous. Collective mind attempting to make changes for the better. Certainly the news can be proof of the opposite, but if we could all just work together...just that little time taken thinking about making the world a more loving place? Hell, then maybe it would be Christmas every day. Or at least, we could have a little more peace and understanding and that's not so bad either.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday and it's cold

2006-11-28T13:28:00.000-08:00

Damn it's cold in here. I want to lite my oven up just to heat the studio, turn on my space heater, wrap myself in a blanket with hot tea..and hopefully then my hands won't feel like they're slightly disconnected from my body (and more feeling will flow into the ends of my fingers).

I'm back to money as an issue. The more I try and save, the more I want to spend. Christmas an all that coming. Cards need to be made. I hate traditional cards, and I have the program but what's the picture?? I have an idea or two. And the realization that i need adresses, and then to get them all to the post office by next week. Yeah....I want it done early. I want to send them to my friends and family. I want to do more though.

I took down a post yesterday because i hated how it read. Part of the jist was the want to have a wad of cash to blow on presents for those folks that I love and adore. I know that I have the ability to get a few presents, but it always gets to me a little that I can't seem to do what I want at Christmas. God save me if I had an actual credit card. Folks would think I was a millionare. So much I feel I want to do, and there is time to do it...and I'm tired after work, and I should eat better so I'm not tired after work, and I should push myself....but not today. That seems to be the motto and it has to change starting tomorrow. I was always good at pushing myself at the theatre, now I just have to learn it again.

And then, there's my man. My man that makes me feel something that I haven't felt in possibly 7 years. We laugh together, talk late into the night, and somewhere in that wierd void of the phone...he's there next to me. I can feel him there, but I can't touch him like I want to. Yeah, sometimes in a dirty way but mostly just to have him in my arms. Be able to kiss him gently as he sleeps so as not to wake him up. I feel like he's brought something back to life in me that I had forgotten or thought had died a long time ago. I'll find a way though. I may be stupid romantic, but I honestly feel that love CAN conquer anything. It just takes some time sometimes.

And ya know, I am still thankful for little things. I think about the people I met at Pride last year and know how really great this group of guys are, even if I'm a slug who doesn't call them or hang out with them. And I have Dan and Hawley and my nephew nearby, which is really nice to me. And I have my family that for whatever may come in this stupid world...we are the Endless and always will be connected. And all this makes me happy. And all my friends make me happy. And all the new people I'm meeting make me happy. So who says that you need tons of cash and flashy cars and all that rot? Momma Universe done provide, and that my friends is pretty damn cool in my books.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD!! Be Loved!

A New Name

2006-11-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

And the ponderment begins. I wanted to change the title of my blog. I'm tired of people hitting my site because they want to know something about a rock group. Silly, but it bothers me. Do I do it? And the oddest thing is would people still be able to find me if I do? Still the same site adress I suppose, but I think it's time to change it.

Certainly I am still in the frey. I am going through it constantly in life. But now, my life has changed. Things are better. I am growing more I think. And he is there as well and it doesn't seem to lost anymore.

And where am I going? No clue still, but I know that there is something greater out there on the horizen. I can feel it. I can almost taste it at times. Now if I can only get there, not lose the momentum. Stretch myself a bit more. Grow further.

I want so much at times, but don't know how to get it. I see how to and then lose sight of it. Hopes and dreams, wants and desires. Dreams. Dreams are the constant. Now to turn those into realities, by what? By my own power. I know that I have it within me, and I'm trying to tap into it, but it's difficult sometimes. I lose sight of things as I get caught up in day to day life and forget my self. But I know that the Universe has better things planned for me and I simply have to find my way with Their help....and that of friends and family.

Do I get misread at times? Yeah, I think so. It's hard to understand context and tone when reading someone's post at times. I worry that people might read the opposite of what I feel, or misunderstand what it is I'm feeling, or simply not get it. Hard to write from an emotional place when it is that of joy, or contentment, or love. I'm still in a state of where I am just happy. I'm happy with the knowledge that I am loved by a lot of people, and love so many as well. And so, through this thought I think that this site's name will change. It will have something to do with love, and the night, and the moon because She is my love and heart.

Religious belief and faith are difficult at best at times. She is the major constant though. She who has talked with me, listened to my voice and offered up council, and yes even comforted me at times. I could gaze at her for hours on end. Selene is my mother, and friend, and shoulder at times. I am so greatful for my faith, and it's only getting stronger lately. And I am lucky that I can turn my face up and see Her almost every night.

So, I believe I have found the name. Spontaneous as it just was to me. Through The Night By Moonlight. And that is how I hope to go. Hand in hand with so many people, holding my man with my arm across his shoulder closely, and walking down a path with the ones I love laughing and contented.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Thanksgiving

2006-11-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving day. It's come and gone. It was quiet for me. Nice too. Piece and quiet sort of is needed at times. The world get so hectic with work, and this and that. A lovely bit of lamb for dinner, some chicken stock simmering on my stove, and talking with people on the phone made the day enjoyable.

Time used to be linear. Now, it seems it's faster or slower, not constant. A minute talking with him on the phone has actually been a hour. And I slip through time again and again catching those minutes in my hand, and holding them for all they're worth.

News from the homefront seemed disheartening to some degree. They are after all my blood relations and family. Now I have to contend with the knowledge that I should have been more accepting, more forgiving, a better person to some degree. It's not that anyone is dead or diing, but still, where the hell is my compassion? Where did I lose myself again and again and again? I picked up a spell book for the first time in I don't know how long today and realized what I have the potential to do. I think it's time.

But I am thankful. I have friends that while they may be next door or miles away are amazingly sweet and caring. I have the fam that while I do not see them often, are there reguardless. I have a love, someone that hides away in my heart to make me smile. Who could ask for more than that? What do I need with prestige or fame? I am loved, and I love them all back. If that is not something to be thankful for, what is?

I feel as if I slipped away again. I don't know where I went exactly, but I need to pull myself back. It happened once before and I swore I wouldn't do it this time around. And I have him there, someone to remind me of why I need to be better. After all, I want him to have a man that he can be proud of.

There are so many people to say I love you to and thank for being my friends. When the day is over, and it's quiet in the world and I can finally think, it's thought of my baby and my friends. Certainly I want things for myself. I want better than I have at the moment, but that can come in time. And if I never have it? Would I rather be rich and famous and not have these people or my babe? No. I'd rather be poor, content, and have the love I feel for and from people. That's what I need to remember.

So thank you. Thank you little brother. Thank you Mikey. Thank you Rey. Thank you Jim. Thank you Steve. Thank you Kalvin. Thank you Dan. Thank you Alden. Thank you Ari. Thank you Miladsya. Thank you Brad. Thank you Nathan. Thank you Simon. Thank you Gerald, you are not forgotten although not with us now. Thank you Francesco for reminding me of the power of faith (whether you know it or not). Thank you Sue. Thank you Pete. Thank you Philly. Thank you J. Thank you Dan and Hawley. Thank you Chryssa, my little sister. Thank you James, my brother. Thank you Doll, my sister who I wish I could tell how much I truly love. Thank you Dave, my brother. Thank you all who instill in me feelings of being cared for and loved that I may not have mentioned. There really are so many of you out there to say thank you to.

Thank you babe. You took me from a place where I was drifting and brought me back to life whehter you knew it or not. Good times or bad, we'll go through it together. I'm there to lift you up, just as I know you're there to do the same for me. I can't think of anything else to be more greatful or thankful for.

I am sentimental. I am sappy. I am a big push over at times. But to feel this much love reminds me that I am alive, and that is good. I hope that everyone's day was fill with joy, and food, and festivities...or simply a time to sit and relax, to smile, to just be. And if there was anyone left orphaned as so many of us can be at the holiday times...you do have a family, and you are loved, if only by we fellow solitary few.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!

Saturday night

2006-11-18T21:49:00.000-08:00

Feeling like I should write something. Feeling like there is more to be told but for some reason it's not being told to me by me. One of those odd feelings of knowing that there is something on your mind that seemed important but obviously it was fleeting.

Tomorrow I will wake early. I plan on 6:30am on a Sunday, one of my day's off when I can sleep in. Why? Because I'm a fool who wants to own a Nintendo Wii. What silliness this is in reality. It's just as silly as wanting to see a movie opening day, when you know that you would see it any other given day. There's no need to own it tomorrow. There is simply a want.

While the day was mellow today, and I did sleep past when I normally would have been up any day during the week, I feel tired. I feel slightly off today because I haven't actually heard his voice today. Long talks into the night definately make up for the lack of sleep I sometimes have. And there is always the option of a nap midday any given day of the week. Still, I miss it. Perhaps that's the problem. I want him here now. Right now it's not feasable, but it's what I wish for. Why? Because I want to have him there to wake up next to.

Finally, tonight, someone seemed excited for me again. At work I showed my coworker the picture I have in my wallet and she smiled and said how happy she was for me. It's nice to hear after being ignored to some degree, or had my emotions called into question when I bring him up to people. Shouldn't my friend's be excited or happy for me? Yeah..I think they should. Things like this don't happen to me, or didn't happen to me, or haven't happend to me in a long time.

I feel like I walk a fine line sometimes. I walk that line with people where I want to help them out, but don't know what to do for them. Gman tonight obviously needed some motivational force to get him out of a funk, but I didn't know what to say. His questions had no answers from me which is unusual. Did I think that he would make a good actor? Well hell man, how should I know without seeing him try? He's feeling lost as so many people seem to be lately. I know I was. I don't know how to get them back onto a path, how to help them find a way or a walk to walk. Hell, I have enough troubles sometimes to do that for me. At least I have what I believe in to fall back on in those times.

Funny. Looking at his pictures I have to smile to myself. Looking at his picture I feel a million different emotions at the same time. I've never been exactly sure what it was like to be "in love", but I think I have a good idea. And I keep asking over and over again, this is really happening isn't it? And the only answer I can find within and without is yes. I used to run from emotions, sometimes run to them, and now it's a bit confusing but good. He's in my heart and I'm not going to let that go. And it makes me happy knowing he's out there.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Thursday

2006-11-16T22:05:00.000-08:00

He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. And someone had said "does love act like that?", and I say that love is different for everyone. You're relationship is different from mine. Don't deny that. We'll never have it the same way. And then someone else offered the words of wisdom..."Sod the world" and I know that she's right. And i can't begin to tell her how much I appreciate that little pearl.

Work is work. Day to day life is what it is, but at night, things all change and I get to talk with him. The world does go away for a while. It's just us and the phone but we're there together somewhere. Is the astral plane really just in my mind, or can we reach it together somehow? From my personal spiritual experience, I know it's a valid question.

So what do I tell people now? What do I tell mom, my brothers? My fam is always going to know these things one way or another, but I feel like jumping with joy and screaming it to them. I want them to all be ok with whatever may come.

Why is it that months ago I was so scared of this? And now it's all I think I want. Silly man me. Silly stupid man who's happy and content but still fears that it will all have been a dream. Then again, I am Morphius therefore I control dream. This one is staying!

And no more losing my religion. No more forgetting the other people in my life. More than one of them has already been there, and I know that they all are when I need them. I just need to remember that and learn to make them know it.

He's all I think about sometimes, and then the world intrudes and work happens and I get home, and I think about him again. God life is pretty fuckin good sometimes.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday

2006-11-14T22:25:00.000-08:00

And the world turns....and the universe spins, but it wouldn't be the same without him there. Yes, I'm smitten, bitten, attacked by feelings that I can't always explain. And it's good. And it's frightening. And I feel so much more alive than I have in a long time.

I get scared easily. I'm a cat by nature. My panther is always there because I've seen him and talked to him in meditations. He has a name that I won't share. I feel it's sacred. But I am a cat by nature and we are somewhat skiddish animals. You try and pet us sometimes and we run from you. We're not always sure what to do with affection. We freak at the littlest thing, but we also find so much joy in a simple touch.

It's been a long time since I found myself in this situation. And it's good. And it feels right. And it's what I want. Now to see if I can get the rest of it working. The career...the motivations....the work that needs to be done.

But for now, I'll let the world turn while I spin in the Universe's blessing. And try and not forget myself in it again as I did once. Not lose those others that are in my heart. But there's one that's growing in my soul now as well. Having been hurt, I'm cautious, but hopeful, and happy.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

The smile has returned

2006-11-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

The song makes me think of him. Probably always will now. It makes me smile. The video clips were pretty cool too and makes me wonder what I can do here with my programs. It's rather inspirational to some degree.

I woke up today and wondered if he was awake yet. Wondered if his day was going well. Every morning I say good morning to people who live in my heart. I greet them as I'm about to open the shop, throwing out my love to them through the empty skies. I never know if they can feel it, or hear it, but it's my morning ritual. Just something to let them know that I'm thinking about them and love them. Today was no different really, but it is to some degree. The bounce was back in my sleep deprive step, and names had changed places in this mantra of love.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

2006-11-12T22:21:00.000-08:00

Chasing cars

One of my favourite songs with clips from Get Real (which was a great movie)!

Today

2006-11-11T16:43:00.000-08:00

Damn it! I had a post. Yes, an updated post with a lot of what was on my mind and I can't recreate it because I type stream of conciousness. What goes through my head flows out of my fingers and then poof it's on this page....and in closing a window I closed my browser and poof....it was no more.

The jist? Life has been somewhat trying and surreal and I have so many questions wandering around in my brain you would think that it was a convention in there. Not just a nice little convention but something like putting both Democrats and Republicans together during the Presidential election season...in the same building!

And here I was simply trying to explain where I was and what was going on...sigh.

I decided that my blog is actually now for me. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it's intent was an online diary to let my friends know what was going on (sometimes). It may become cryptic for some folks...hell, I may say things that will make absolutely no sense to anyone but me. Basically, I need this space right now to sort out my life to some degree.

Yes, I will always believe in the powers of peace and love. I will probably always be somewhat political. I will always have things to rant about in terms of injustice in the world. But....I'm not sure I'm going to be posting about topical things anymore for a while. I honestly need to sort things out.

Now if I could just find a nice bit of nature to go wandering in for say...oh, a complete afternoon, maybe I could piece together what's going on in my little grey cells. I'm convinced that nature is the ultimate meditation site. Honestly, there are few if any distractions. And I think I need to get out there and just have a VERY long talk with what it is that I believe in because They know better than I do.

While my last post was rather a downer, all I can say is that the past couple of weeks have been a bit up and waaaay down. Fear crept in for a while. I thought I would lose my friend forever who I honestly never want to be without. Too many questions through the brain. Customers that were annoying and the problem of do I want to continue where I am. How do I move on? How do I let go if I have to? Where am I going? What am I to do if not this? Can I ever get where I really want to be in life and where exactly is that? How can I go back to where I had been without him?

Yeah....like I said, cryptic and that's life ya know? No easy answers. And I honestly have to walk those paths alone sometimes. Put on the pretty smile for the customers while I ponder all this. Paste on the smile and say "I'm ok" because I didn't want to talk about anything with anyone. Sort it out myself. Touch the Universe for a little help and simply pray.

Ah hell...life will sort itself out in time. It always has. I'm like a bad pennie, I keep turning back up :) I have been kicked around, seeming thought I was going to be crushed and never come back, maybe should have died on the odd occaission or worse...but I'm still here. Blessing and a curse at times to be a survivor because, well I don't know what else to do but keep on keeping on.

*mental note* Always remember that you survived from 7 years ago. You didnt crumble. You didn't fold. You made it through almost all alone. Your bootstraps are strong and you can pull the shit out of them when need be.

Ah well...back to cleaning the hovel.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Today

2006-11-11T16:29:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you're living a song? I mean really, song titles come through my brain at a fevered pace lately to explain to me what's happening in my life. Then again my world somewhat revolves around music. It's the one saving grace I can always fall back on when times are wierd, or bad, or good. Stuff to uplift you, stuff to mellow you out, stuff to make you want to cry, stuff to make you shake it all cross the floor. (which in my case is about to be vacumed)

Let's just say that the past two weeks have been a bit surreal. I know part of it was adjusting to getting back from two trips and two concerts. It's a bit disorienting when you don't really go anywhere much. After all, it had been two years almost since I had taken my last vacation from work. At that point, I had gone to Disneyland with my fam for the first time. So, two years later, I wound up back there again...with my brother and sister.

Now the reason I bring this up is partially because there is a great let down after coming home from vacation. Post partum blues I guess. And the wierdest thing is not realizing how much I wish I was in the park where things are always nice, and clean, and....well happy. So I started realizing that the shop I work for sometimes is really just a very negative place. I'm not sure if this has to do with co-workers, customers, or me. Not all my customers are annoying, and as a matter of fact there are at least two that I can say I love very much. They've become very good friends. But the others....well day to day drudgery can get to you and I am highly considering how to change this. I need to break routine life, but I'm not sure exactly how that is going to come about yet.

And this all begs the question to me again of, "what are you doing with your life?" Don't know how many of you question this and/or how often but it's really a stickler. On one hand, there is nothing wrong with my job and my studio. On the other, I have little money and seemingly no time to go out at night without the peril of waking up late for work (which can NOT happen). So where is the medium? Is it in another job that's more an 8-5? Is it in me myself? Questions question questions. They are truly annoying to me. The reason being, I can't find the answers yet and I think I know how to get them but I never seem to have that time I so want to just wander somewhere in the woods and talk to what I believe in. (Yes I believe that nature helps you think things through better because there are less distractions)

Well, hopefully this is not the downer of a post as my last one was. Just surfice to say that life can kick ya in the balls at times and all you can do, or rather all I try to do, is try to stay standing and smiling like nothing happened. Hell, I'm like a cockroach. Seriously, I am I think sometimes. I've been in places where I probably should have been dead or stark raving mad by now...but I'm still here and going strong. More to the point, whether I like it or not sometimes, I'm a surivor.

I know that a lot of folks blog about politics, music, what have you....but for now this is my online diary of sorts until further notice. Cryptic messages may appear, things may seem random. That's life though. Cryptic and random babies.

Back to cleaning my hovel ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

He surfaces, then dives back again

2006-11-08T18:03:00.000-08:00

Yes....It's been a while....again. I don't really have anything to post about. It's been a bit odd for me lately and, well .... I haven't felt like posting. Sometimes real life takes over and you have to deal with that ya know?

So you want to know what's been on my mind? K, here goes. Work and how I realized today that I'm not happy there really. I need a new job, but I don't know what to look for. Remember, yours truly spent 10 years of his life building sets and creating sound designs for a small community theatre. Before that it was all sorts of odd things, but mostly retail work. In the long run, I'm really not qualified for much hehe. Being good with people is one thing, but that only really gets you so far eh? Still, somethin's gotta give because I'm realizing more and more that I want to be able to financially do things I just can't right now. (like find a bigger place to live!)

What else is going on? Sadly nothing. Since going to Disneyland I've been kinda stuck in a rut and feeling broke. You ever notice that when you have not much in terms of money you get a little restless? Well that's me. Trying not to worry about money and wondering how to get more money and then of course....where do we go from here?

So, yeah, I haven't written about New York. I haven't really even written about anything lately but I just have been trying to deal with life and it's not been necessarily on my terms anymore. I have no clue where I'm really going. I know that I have a pretty good job and it keeps me in my studio here and pays for me to eat, and sometimes go out....but it's just not enough to scrape by anymore is what I'm finding.

Yeah I know, I know...pity me. Boo Hoo and all that rot. Well I'm not lookin for pitty, just puttin out what it is. Course, the knowledge that I have some friends that I wouldn't trade an entire Sultan's fortune for....yeah :) Makes life a little easier.

It's wierd that my friends, especially two or three people, can be your entire world. I honestly think that I'd be lost without them and I know I'm not lying about that. It's almost as if they're a part of my soul. No....strike that....they ARE part of my soul. And whether or not they read this, I think they know that I love them more than words can say. And who are they? Well....sorry folks but that's just not something I care to divulge. Surfice to say that they know about my site here and I'm not sure if they reading it or not, but to them, I have to say you are in a part of my heart and soul that no one else can ever reach.

And Jesus....it just struck me that I've been doing this for over a year now. THAT is kinda scary.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Happy Halloween (or Samhain if your a pagan)

2006-10-31T14:27:00.000-08:00

It's been a while my kittens. Sorry but trying to renegotiate my life after :

1. Going to New York which I'm still planning on writing about
2. Seeing Dresden Dolls the Friday I got back
3. Seeing Bob Dylan the Tuesday after the Friday of the Dresden Dolls after I got back from New York
4. Going to Disneyland with my brother and sister Doll and James this past Wends-Saturday a week after seeing Bob Dylan the Tuesday after the Dresden Dolls on Friday after I got back from New York....

Whoo....well, it's been a hell of a month! But today is Halloween. It's a rather sacred time for us Pagans, and it's a time when I get together with the Fam and get all gothed up and go to dinner and look utterly gothy chic! Tonight will be no different. Dinner at 7 and I need to get my best goth gear out and paint m'nails black so I look ever so dead and lovely.

At work though, different matter. This year I did something completely unexpected of me and didn't go gothy, I went as....an Ace. Not the card sillies, but a Flying Ace. Don't believe me? Well just look below. (the field was lovely this time of year and my plane was....well ok it's me in my costume but I kinda mucked with the rest of the stuff in the picture)

So there ya have it. I hope that everyone's Halloween is a great one. It's the time when the earth goes to sleep for a while. A time to build thing for next year, start growing those plans, basically...Pagan New Years. Keep watching the skies....I'll be back for a safe landing sometime soon.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!!

Mercy, Mercy, Mercy (which inspired this post thank you Cannonball Adderly)

2006-10-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

Now I know that all you groove-kittens are waiting to see what the word is on the Chronicals of New York, but that's gonna have to wait a bit. Why? Cause I need more time to wrap my brain around it all actually. I'm still in a bit of a spin here. It's almost Friday which means I have been back almost a week and it seems as if a day went by. Scary no? Well dig it babies, there will be the word, oh yes there will. And I'll preach it like no other. Tales to curl your hairs, make ya cry, make ya laugh, and maybe make ya smile. And yes, there are pictures galour.

Tonight though, I been thinking about a little somethin that bugs me off and on. Somethin that I can't seem to get much past in the last couple of years and that is..."whatcha gonna do with your life?"

Now when you're growing up you are asked constantly what you want to be right? I never said, I wanna be working at a coffee shop slingin' the joe for folks that may or may not care. I first wanted to be a surgeon. How's that for a kick in the rubber parts eh? Well that didn't work out cause school and I don't have the same feelings for each other. So I wound up wanting to be an actor. Ok, that's a groove I could dig on. And I did. I did that groove for over 15 years out of my 40. I wasn't ever a "pro", but I had my moments ya know? And I don't like the idea of braggin, so just have it on the lowdown that I have worked on two feature films...once as a featured extra which got paid for it. Then, it all came crashing down on me and I couldn't handle it much more. So, here I am a coffee pusher doin my best to get through it.

Now, lately I've been thinking which is dangerous as we all know. I started recording my buddy's blog just for fun since I don't have the dosh yet to grab my own hostings to do podcastings and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do there anyways. And it hit me as I sit there reading in my ... er ... library on a magazine about videogames. It was an article about voice work and actors that do it. Well there ya go. I figured, why not try and be a voice actor. I got the acting thing under my belt. I got a lot of different characters I can do vocally, plus a pleathora of dialects I can do reasonably well. Now the hard part babies...how do ya go out there and do it. That's the part I have to start lookin into.

But I digressed from the bomchicka I was puttin down which was this...if you didn't grow up to be what you wanted to be, what keeps us from doing something else that we might want? No one said that you have to do that 9-5 grinding forevr at where you're at right? So what if you change up the records in your personal jukebox a little and come back to the tunes you dig later? Maybe you wanted to be a jazz sax man (and who wouldn't?), but ya realize that blowin your axe isn't making the cash. So, dig the 9-5 business deal for a while and come back to blowin on the side til you can do the "Axin' is my life" for pay. Course what I'm puttin down also doesn't garauntee that there's cash in your pockets but hey...that's life babies.

Guess I'm learnin slowly that life is just a dream and you really gotta go out there and grab some of it. Hell, one little slice of my mind of New York that is ingrained at this point was walking down West 10th trying to get to Union Square by hoofin' it, and the earphones in as I slid down the street to my dance mix I pushed together. The whole feel was magic like anything could happen, and there wasn't a care in the world, just me and the beat and my feet and the street. And babies, I could see myself from outside myself and I was smilin all the way down to my toes which were rockin it out as I pedulated and swung it down the pavement.

And that my babies it what keeps me smilin right now. The knowledge that I may not be there, and it may not be the scene at the moment, but anything can happen for the best. Hell, maybe I'll try and learn me to play the sax and push some blues out there which is gonna burn up the night sky like a cryin' pheonix. And I garauntee ya this....somewhere someone's feet are gonna tap and twiddle down a street boppin and sloppin it with a smile in their souls.

Til next time groove-niks, hepcats, and lovely lovely ladies. Don't be worryin bout the changes that may come, cause you can always change em up again. Now get out there and do some livin'!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Holy Cr...WTF?!

2006-10-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

And the hits keep coming my little kittens! Hey hey hey and a wompbamboo, cause I feel fully rested today and there's interesting news to report.

Now, for those of you that are looking for the dirty pictures, believe me I'm working on it. I wound up putting all my pictures into the puter last night from both memory cards of my camera.....yeah I took around 200 over 4 days! So, there's some editting to be done cause some are a bit too dark, some are bit too bright. You get the idea. And the chronicals of New York are definitely coming...just when I got home yesterday after work, I crashed hard. (anyone but me ever gone to bed at 2am, gotten up at 5:30 and went to work until noon?....long day, and I was loopy as hell even though I work at a coffee shop!)

So, this weekend is another liver bender. The illustrious and notorious Jeff Skybar is heading into the fair city of San Fran. I can hear my body screaming a little bit, but hey...when do ya get to see the Skyman? I'm not sure how much drinking is going to be invovled but I'm thinkin' that I need to find an alternative to driving ;)

And, on a more personal note, my friend D had started a blog about my nephew Brenden. (the cutest baby on the face of the planet thank you very much for asking even if you didn't so there neener!) I had the wierd idea to start recording them for fun. So, sitting here at night I would record a couple of the posts and eventually slapped them onto a cd in MP3 format to let him hear them. Well he liked them a lot. He liked them so much that they are now available on Brenden's homepage (this link is directly to the recordings). Now it may seem like shameless self promotion here, but honestly go take a listen because I think that D has a great writing style and if he liked my readings enough to put on the webpage?? In the words of Stan Lee .... 'NUFF SAID!

And then today at work, something miraculous happened that I am going to have be paying back for a long time not because I have to. A friend of mine was telling me about a local radio show that runs on Friday nights (that I didn't know about) and they had a call in to win tickets contest. So, he calls. He wins. He puts the two tickets for this Friday night in my name. Why? Because he had already seen them and hung out with ...... The Dresden Dolls! That's right babies, I finally get to see one of the most exciting punk/cabaret acts that rock my ears and eyes. I still can't believe he did this for me, but I'm going to see the Dresden's for FREE!!!! and this Friday!! I do appologise in advance to the Skyman for not seeing him Friday night....and hope that he understands. Now, I have to go and clean my pants because I just wet them again with excitement. That makes the 5th time in the last hour.

So that's the skinny and the poop on the scoop you hipcats and wild women. Now this groovecat daddio is gonna put his to pedulations up in the air to scope out the visual delights of A Prairie Home Companion movie.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Home little Fan?

2006-10-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

So the only people that will get the title of my post here are friends that did Christmas Carol with me but...

I'm back...it's late...I have to be at work in 4 hours?

sigh....I am missin everyone and everything out on the East Coast right now. But I made it home safe and sound and there will be much blogging and pictures (only the clean ones so sorry but I'll find a way to direct y'all to the dirty ones *giggle*)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

And away we go

2006-10-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

Very brief note kittens. I'm about to embark on a fantastic journey here, full of wonderment and excitement. I probably won't have the chance to write until Monday here so....

Just know that you are all loved kittens. Each and every one of ya. If I had everyone's adresses, I would attempt to send at least a card from my travels. Although I'm not sure how whirlwind this might become...so this shall have to surfice.

Love and light to you all. I'll be thinking about you guys and ladies (yes Ladies) and I'll try and post as many pictures as possible or just direct it all to some other site where you can see what my camera-eye saw....well mostly ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

One day more....

2006-10-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

It's almost here. Matter of fact, I have about 12 hours before I should think about heading up to the SFO to check in. I haven't packed.

Way it stands right now kittens? Well I figure I got two options. I can lay down and take a nap..a long nap, and wake up get everything done and stay up all night. Or, I could always just go to bed around 8pm and set my alarm for "oh my god that's hella fuckin early" o'clock and drive up to SFO. Not entirely sure which I wanna do.

Crap....realization that I still have to go back to the shop one last time tonight and get orders ready for tomorrow so my boss doesn't have to worry about that. Well that and pick up some coffee for the trip. Yes my fellow bloggers....should I ever arrive in your fair city to see you on vacation, there's coffee a' comin!

Lately I've been trying to record my friend D's blog about my little nephew Brenden for shits and giggles. Guess I know why I downloaded Audacity now hehe. Well, I thought that they turned out ok, so I took a copy over to D's last night and he really seems to have liked them. This in and of itself has made me a very VERY happy camper. I swear I would be lost without folks like the fam and D & H in my life. Cause ya know what kittens? It sure as hell doesn't matter if you have a mansion or you live in a shoebox. It's all bout the folks that you love, and the ones that love you that make the difference in your life.

A silly post indeed....which is "A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury and signifying...nothing." (from Billy Shakespeare's hot new MacBeth....new on NBC this fall) But hey...it's the only show in town....

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Almost...but not quite...and is there enough time?

2006-10-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

Right....so this post has little to no substance to it. It's simply that I don't like having a depressing-ish post left hanging up too long. Now mind you, I do get depressed, and everyone does. All of us have our own issues and ways of dealing with them...I just felt like leaving things up like that for too long is like fishing for "sympathy" comments. Well, while they are nice, it definately is not what I'm all about.

Having so said, thank you all for the comments. It's nice to know that no matter where we all are from around the globe and country, I have very dear people that care. Gushy? Mushy? Well too bad because I appreciate you all very much. So there....take that....neener ;)

Two days time. I have two days to get everything ready to fly out to New Jersey and here I sit typing away. EEK! There's laundry to be done, packing, a few last minute items I want to buy for the trip, oh....and of course there's work. Goddess keep my brain functional! (did I mention I am feeling back to my pagan roots again latey babies? Well it's true) I have some of the things done, but two days seems to fly by me in a flurry like a swarm of gnats that suddenly fling themselves out of your way.

Am I excited? You bet your sweet bippy I am! (and if you don't know what a bippy is...ask) I haven't ever seen New Jersey or New York or the East Coast really. I have three days to be as wild as I want to be, go out on a weeknight drinking and clubbing, and possibly see an honest to god Broadway production!!! It's a little overwhelming to some degree. And yes, there is the camera as my constant companion and I hope that I don't look too much like a psycho-paparazzi while I'm there. I'm not really interested in seeing the typical stuff like the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty. Truthfully, I think that sounds a little dull to me. Now Central Park? You bet! The same for seeing Broadway all lit up at night....and Time Square.

So, if I don't get around to writing in the next couple of days, I will do my best to leave one last post before I head out on Thursday. The chronicals of this might expidition will be eventually posted with pictures...just not the incriminating ones. (this means that I will not post pictures of myself running down the street wearing nothing but a smile and my boxer shorts on my head)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Issues

2006-10-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

I should be alseep by now. I really should but I had two cups of double shorts at work tonight. Probably a bad idea because I'm feeling tired, but not sleepy, just fatigued slightly.

Have you ever had one of those wierd mood swings where you suddenly find yourself with issues? You know what I'm talking about...you started thinking about one thing and the next thing you know you're mind has raced over 100,000 different places and all of them are issue making. That's me right now. I think I need to coin a new term for this though because ya know, it's not depression...it's more like dissatisfication. Maybe it's a general malaise.

Ok, well I'm here anyways why not go the whole nine yards eh? I've had issue revolving around my dad who's been dead now for 10 years. Things that crop up from time to time. The worst of them is the idea of turning into him. It's not that he was a bad person, it's just that I said I would never lead that kind of life. He went to work, came home and watched tv, repeat until the weekend when he did little to nothing and the whole thing started up again. I SWORE I wouldn't become like that. And I look at my life... and here I am the guy that goes to work, comes home, repeat, on the weekend does little to nothing, repeat. I'm having a really hard time breaking this pattern. And yeah, it scares me because I'm not old. I should be running around with friends to bars or clubs or dancing or something it seems. Still....stuck like a piece of toffee in a cavity!

I keep thinking about all the things I should have done up to this point in my life. Not like saving money type stuff, just general things that I now feel like I lost the oppertunity forever to do. I should have been that wildcat guy 20 years ago who went out and got shloshy at gay bars making out with people he didn't know. And to "go there", I should have had lots of terrific sex..or even mediocre sex. Should have learned the way to go out and meet folks and date...blah blah blah. Grrrr. Now it feels like it's "too late" and I start hearing my dad's voice in my head. He constantly would say things like "Nobody wants me because I'm so old." Well that scares me too because the gay culture seems to almost be a youth culture.

We (gay men) are seemingly force fed the idea that perfection is that 20 something twink who's always looking like he just stepped out of some damn photo shoot. Well what about us average folk huh?

In Torch Song Trilogy, Arnold says "I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. It's my biggest problem because I've never been young and beautiful. Oh, I've been beautiful, and God knows I've been young, but never the twain have met."

Therein lies the problem. I know what he's talking about. It's like I mispent my youth and you can't go back and do it over again. If you try, you wind up looking ridiculous...well you can. Maybe that's just part of growing up? Damn this whole aging process hehe. I swear, I try to do the Merlin thing and age backwards but I'm afraid I'm not doing it physically. Still, I do think it's important to keep a youthfull aspect to life. Hell...when I'm 80 I don't want to be the guy shuffling across the street with a walker. I want to be that really old guy that veritably skips across the street with a major bounce in his step! (and I plan on it too babies)

Maybe I just need to get that out. Don't know. Not sure what my issue is tonight, but I wish they would just dissipate so I could get on with life and forget all this shit in my head. Goddess willing, with work that I am planning since getting back into my pagan roots...maybe all this negative thinking will be banished once and for all. In the meantime, it's nice to know I can hear my little sister's voice in my head saying "Oh get over it!" and it makes me smile and chuckle a bit.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

My family....or part one

2006-09-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

So I want to talk about my sista....my little sister. She who is amazing to me because I've known her now for over 10 years and she has just grown by leaps and bounds and I love her to death. What brought this on? Well, I have a picture of her from Folsom and I wanted her permission first of all before I posted it. She said yes, and here she is...looking fierce and hot between two Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence....my sweet little Delirium herself

Yeah....she's a sexy bitch (and she knows it!). I don't often talk enough about the folks that are my family so here goes. And if this bores you, too damn bad cause I love me some my little sister so shut the hell up (hehe).

I met her waaaaaay back years ago when I was doing theater. I was an actor, sound designer, set constrution, tech director, sometimes light or sound operator, and even directed a few summer shows (ok they were only 30 minute shows but they all went over really well...least I think they did). Her parents are the most amazing people who are just as warm and loving as she is. They would invite the entire cast over for a big pasta dinner after the final performance of any given show..well that's how I remember it at least.

So over the years I got to know Deli better and we share a lot of similar things in terms of religion, philosophies, what guy is hot hehe...and most importantly to me, she let me be myself 100%. If I wanted to be a big ol' queen, she was right there with me on it. If I wanted to discuss the faerie folk, she'd put in her advice and comments and never laughed at me. She'll kick my ass when I need it too, and she's not afraid to do it. (another reason why I love her so much)

So what you may ask. Big deal? Well honeys, this woman is amazing because she started her own face painting and makeup design business. Manages to cook like a mutha-fucka. Dresses up to the nines! (and here she is in her Angel costume when we went to see the opening of the movie RENT) Now she proffessed to me lately that she is a camera whore. So I thought I would surprise her by also showing that she is a diva bitch from green hell....and that's why we love her too ;)

She loves that finger...you know the one...yeah, that one that you tend to show off to family and friends at times? Kinda like this... She's also the one that in the middle of the movie Peter Pan (the latest live action one that I adored), when Peter was crying "I do believe in Faeries, I do. I do!" (and don't ask me why but it always gets to me that scene...yeah I'm a softy) handed me a thimble. Well babies, I could have just broken down in tears like a little bitch over that. Why? Cause it's what Wendy gave to Peter as a "kiss". (he gave her an acorn as a "kiss") Now and forever baby....acorns and thimbles to ya!

Well that's my sis. Last reason to love her? Cuase she is an incredibly fun bundle of energy and love and light. I couldn't live with out her, and now the world knows that too. So one or two last pictures cause I love these of her. They show off what a card she can be and I think capture a lot of her true nature.

I sure nuff do love my little Chryssaburger

and the bitch thought she'd only get one picture up here hehe

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

What's all this mess?

2006-09-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

Hey! Here's my great "I don't know what to write but I realize I feel like updating the blog" blog. [Brought to you by Unmentionables. Unmentionables, for when you're feeling naughty.]

So, I keep realizing off and on that in a week I'm flying out to New Jersey. (and I know that Rey is gonna read this but...) I'm a little freaked. Why? Well, I'll be outside my enviorment essentially. I'm so friggin stuck in my patterns that even a trip up to SF seems slightly foreign to me at times. I know I'll be fine and I know I'm going to have a blast...but it's that little twindge of being in a strange place that I have no idea about that just wierds me a little bit. Still, I get to see Rey and I may even try and persuade him to go out to Kerioki and sing hehe ;) Maybe I've just forgotten what it's like to not have to worry about work and so the concept of actually relaxing a bit is just freaky? F-it! I'm leaving on a jet plane in a week and I'm gonna do up this mini vacation like no body's bi'ness!

I've been downloading, like a madman, new podcasts. Thanks to Jim I now get to listen to a really wide variety of subjects when I go out walking. I even recently found some pagan podcasts and personally...I think that's friggin righteous! So, that is my subtle way of saying thank you again to a great guy named Jim for makin me very happy indeed. Plus introducing me to new bands! (I'm lovin Jack's Mannequin and Lovedrug by the way!)

And Nathan over at Nathan Exposed asked me recently about my own podcast that I still have the concept of doing. Ok....um, my question to Dan and Adam ...when the hell do you have to time to put these together?! I have maybe 10 minutes of stuff recorded, I have an idea for what I want the show to be like, but damn it...these things take forever! Ok, so maybe it's because I want to add sound effects and have "regular" characters and...I guess I'm still envisioning my own private radio show. Just never seems to be enough time to get around to working on it and doing what I want, plus working. Oh...and needing to have a hosting site hehe. But I tell ya, I'm still planning on it. Maybe you all can tune in soon? If I can get off my lazy ass!

And while I'm being all randomfied, I just want to give a great big Congratulations! to my friend Mike over at Boys Are So Ugly But So Cute. If you're wondering why? (and if you haven't read Mike and Ryan's site...well here's your chance) There are major big changes about to happen for him and I'm just proud as hell of him and happy for them both. Sides, Mike and Ryan both kick ass in my opinion...and they're cute too ;)

Well, this was the lamest posting, and possibly most random, I think I have ever read (he says in his best Groucho Marx voice).

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD!! Be Love!

Leather and daddies and cubs...OH MY!

2006-09-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

Well and why the hell not. I get to be in a pretty good classification here! Bob, Oscar, Rob...and Orsen! Fun stuff but maybe I can find one picture of me where I'm actually smiling? Oish *rolling eyes*

Oh kittens. What a day what a day. I was out at the Folsom Street Faire and bumpin na...elbows with Kalvin, Jr., Big Red Dave, and of course Dan. It was great to see these guys again because I hadn't seen any of them since Pride this year (which is entirely my fault). And believe me kittens....they are a swell group to be around! (My nipples may never be the same hehe)

I also go the great opertunity to see Daniel Cartier perform, and then oddly as fate would have it, went and had some coffee with him. He has a great voice, and he's a really sweet guy. (did I mention he was hot as well?) So that started things off with a major bang for me!

I have pictures to post, but I think I'm going to see if I can do it ala Flickr. Oh...alright, there are two that I think are really worthy of being seen, and there's no nudity so ... sorry heh. So many hot guys, so little time.

Yes indeedy....my little hot gothy number made a definate show of putting his arm around his girlfriend (damn it). But hey...the guy working the corsette booth....MINE MINE MINE!

and of course there were drag queens like this little hot number

And this sexy woman that wanted to kiss me...HEY! Wait a minute, that ain't no woman...that's Miss Trixie!

Ah well...I'll leave ya with a kiss and a wave from the lovely sites of Folsom Street Faire 2006....and damn, do I have to wait an entire year for the next one?

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

My name is Michael and I'm an addict

2006-09-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well hello there kittens and kitten-ettes! It's the weekend woo hoo! It's sunny outside, there are birds (somewhere out there I think) singing, my rose bush is about to bloom again and I am....sitting in my studio on the computer?!? Well that's gotta change soon.

I wanted to talk about something horrible. Something nefarious! Something with such implications to my personal life that I'm not sure how to stop it....that's right...I'm an addict. I'm addicted to Podcasts now. I spent part of yesterday after work looking at podcasts on Itunes (well hell babies they are free after all) and now I'm downloading like crazy. I fear for my computer's capacity. Luckily for me I have a second hard drive!

Having recieved a little present in the form of a Nano recently (thanks again Jim! I am forever greatful!!), I've started walking at night, and attempting to ride my bike more. I always said that I would if I had an Ipod because ya know, carrying around a cd player, and then cds to go with it, isn't really condusive to being light and breezy in terms of cycling or walking. Now though...oh dear god I'm an addict to this little wonderous device! Not only do I get to hear news podcast, but there's Adam, Darin, Dan, Chad Fox, Justin....well you get the picture. And then in Itunes there's more shite than you can imagine in the Podcast section. Hm...maybe I need another hard drive just for mp3s and podcasts?

And if you came here thinking that you wouldn't see another posting about this...well...."Hey Conky. What's the word of the day?"

"Hey M-m-m-m-ichael. Wh-wh-where's P-p-p-ee W-w-w-ee?"

"Never mind that damn it. What's the word of the day so I can get out of here and enjoy my weekend?"

"B-b-b-bitch.....don't ru-ru-ru-rush me! The word of the d-d-d-day is Hair."

Well there ya have it folks. You know what to do when you hear the word of the day don't ya? That's right, scream REAL loud! hehe. So that's the post for right now. Like the always say, HAIR (Aaaaaaaaaah!) today, gone tomorrow ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Hey Conky

2006-09-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

Ok kittens, ya know what....it's fun time. That's right, fun. Why? Cause my buddy Jon and I have hit on an old favourite that is the new sensation! What is it you might ask? It's the word of the daaaaaay.

You all know what to do when you hear the word of the day don't you?
SCREAM REAL LOUD!
So today's word was "coffee". So anytime you hear anyone say the word "coffee" *Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! hehehe* Scream real loud. Annoy your friends! Scare your coworkers! Piss off that loved one...but have fun damn it!

Now then, anyone wanna go out for a cup of.....

Cofffffeee?

*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!*

with love to Pee Wee Herman eternally.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Doh!

2006-09-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

Ok....ok I'll admit it. I'm a ... well, a techno whore! That's right. I like gadgets, gizmos, and blinky flashy things (which is probably a throw back to my raver days when they would explode before me...over and over again). So there's a new item on here which is a MyChingo. And ya know if you say it with a Spanish accent it sound even better. I guess I'm trying to keep up with the Jones'...or at least several bloggers that I read cause I was leaving messages on theirs and I wanted one.

*crickets chirpping* That's the sound of the dust gathering in my brain right now. Last night I went to do the ADR work for the movie/video. I thought I was going to be done by around 8pm. I got home a bit after midnight I think. Still, it literally had to be done because I was the guy with the most dialogue and I think we only had the sound guy last night anyways. So yeah..maybe 2+ hours of saying the same lines over and over, trying them with slight variations, trying them with more or less emotion. And ya know what kittens? It pretty much rocked.

Since I'm not sure anyone has ever done voiceover work (and if you have I appologise) or looping, here's what happens. Now normally you would be staring at a screen with the scene you are about to loop playing. You'd be wearing earphones, and hearing the dialogue you're supposed to rerecord. Since we didn't do the visual part, I just had the earphones last night.

You have a series of say 4 beeps and then the dialogue starts. You try to get in sync with the sound of your own voice. This "loop", complete with beeps to let you know to get ready, continues and you talk over the sound of your own voice until they have what they want. So yeah. I think I heard myself say the same line about 12 times on one loop. 10 of those I was being recorded right along side of what I was hearing.

Let me tell ya babies...it's kinda freaky but it was actually pretty fun. Only down side was when my voice started to feel like chopped liver. I dried up in the throat area, and some of the lines were hard because of an accent I was using. Tended to constrict me cords and if you have ever yelled too much...well that's sort of what it's like.

Jesus, do I ramble or what? *crickets chirping* Is this thing on? *owl hooting* Yeah. Well, I guess that's it really. I need to do that whole shaving thing since by the time I got home last night/this morning...well literally I changed my socks, my shirt and me undies and slept in my clothes lest I wake up too late and have to make a running dash to work. I didnt mind ya, but I was skeerd I would. So now, I think I'm going to take my weary little body off to a nice long hot shower and a shave...and then to bed!

Oh, and feel free to leave me a message babies. You know this hipcat daddio loves to hear from ya all! (and hearing your voices would be too damn cool)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Finally!

2006-09-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

Definately time for a new post don't you think my little kittens? I do. Enough about politics because it tends to raise one's blood pressure. Enough about the bad stuff that's going on in the world and the evils of society...for a while ;)

I only discovered Voyuer Nation a few weeks ago. Kinda late but having just gone back over there (yes I'm lame and couldn't remember the name of Marc's blog)...something amazing has happened. The site is back up and the posts are there to be read. Me? I'm happy because now I can finally get to read all the things that I had wanted to before. There's a note about it on the site.

The point was that there was something that I thought was a great idea that Marc had. A Joy Log. So I thought to myself, why the hell not? There's enough shite going around to make anyone miserable so here's 5 - 10 things that bring me great joy...and what about you guys? What's bring in the joy to your lives?

1. A new toy sent to me by my friend Jim. It's been in heavy usage lately whilest I wander and walk about at night to get some exorcise.

2. My friends that I adore. Whether or not I get to talk to them, email them, hear from them...all I have to do is think of them and I smile a little bit.

3. Music. Where the hell would I be without the sounds of Darren Emmerson, James Brown, Bob Dylan, Loretta Lynn, Tori Amos, or Voltaire? Miserable heh.

4. I have two feet, two hands, two eyes, two ears, one nose, a working digestive tract, a heart that works, and two lungs that work. What do I have to complain about?

5. My Ps2 and Gamecube. Might be silly and a waste of time, but let me tell ya there is nothing like getting out frustrations whilest playing Midnight Club II and driving like a mad man in the streets of a city.

6. Nintendo has announced the launch for the Wii. Ok, more gamer silliness but damn I am so excited you'd think that I was winning the lottery!

7. I'll be "on holiday" in October. New Jersey at the beginning of the month, and hopefully Disneyland at the end of the month...with a Bob Dylan concert sandwiched in between.

8. Graphic novels, comic books, and manga. There is no better "reading room" devices than an artfully drawn story that you can read in the bathroom. Besides, superheros rule, and manga about guys falling in love with each other rock!

9. My garden. I have a rose bush that greets me every day with a beautiful flower and two more about to blossom. Heliotrope that smells devine and wafts it's sent in the evening, and colorful snap dragons that make me smile.

10. My family (which is not to say my blood relations) keep me going. All my brothers and sisters who have been there for me through thick and thin, and accept me for the freak I sometimes am...and never turned their backs on me.

So there's my little list. Something less glooom and dooom. And you can add to that list that Jeff Skybar will be on the limitted engagement tour in October, my friend Brian lives in the Bronx and promissed to get me some real NYC pizza, I have a job that supports me, and this place. Yup, I'm even gratefull for Blogger and the ability to meet so many great folks and share my ideas and rants and sorrows and hopes and life.

So smile folks. If ya can't find a reason to smile, here's a couple of pictures to make ya smile (we hope). Ah me and Cruella at Disneyland...ya gotta love her!

And what's hotter than two guys kissing? Well not much but they do look like they are possibly in love now don't they? Le sigh :)

And who can resist a baby? Just proof positive that my nephew is one wacky wacky kid.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Oh rant away, and happy day (what's with the rhyming?)

2006-09-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

So what's all the things I forgot to mention whilest buzzing my little ass off on sugar last night? Well babies, they ain't all bad things let me tell ya. Matter of fact, I'm pretty damn excited by several of them. But first...

I know I went off last night about annoying customers, and I didn't really say much about the whole 9-11 thing but it's stickin in my craw. Well one thing is. It has to do with the "new found patriotism" of some folks. Now let me state this first;

I am proud to live here in America.
I am proud of the things the American people have done.
I do believe in this country and the idea of every man having their say.

Having said that, what was bothering the shit out of me was a guy I was driving behind yesterday. Why? Cause he was flying an American Flag. I mean for fuck sake, what does the flag have to do with the PEOPLE that died in the WTC, or on Flight 93, or at the Pentagon? (And here's where ya might just be pissed off at me) Nothin. That's right, it's got nothing to do with the whole 9-11 issue. When I see things like that it makes me think that they are G.W. supporters, believe the whold bullshit about the "war on terror", and everything else that was spoon fed by the media to them. And of course, they'll say that they are doing it to be patriotic. I just don't get it folks. I really don't. Ya wanna be patriotic in my opinion then ya better have a flag with all the colors of all the nationalities that live here baby! After all ... doesn't that "little" document start with WE THE PEOPLE? I still don't know why it bugs me so much.

Ok, apparently I'm in rant mode but there is a point here, and a little story. Maybe 6 years ago, my friend found out his buddy's exgirlfriend (it was explained to me that they could be equated to Romeo and Juliet but it just didn't work out for them) was in the hospital with Meningitis. Pretty scary stuff so I drove him out there to be with his bud. I tried to comfort him, but was told, "This isn't about me, this is about her!". And that is how I feel about this 9-11 issue. It isn't about whether you're patriotic or not, it's about the people that lost their lives. Oish...here endeth the rant.

So...on a happier note, what is this little hipcat turning up the heat for soon? Well in a few scant weeks I'll be out in New Jersey to see Rey (and quite possibly lose my gob on the dance floor which is British slang so don't go thinkin dirty thoughts). Before that I am in the studio this weekend to record my dialogue for the video which is nearing completion!! Yes, color me 5 shades of excited because it will be put on Dvds for sale through the band. (It's around 15 minutes of short film goodness with a music video in there too!) Upon returing from Jersey, I get to see the illustrious Jeff Skybar on his limitted return engagement to the fair SF. (World tour tickets are available now) Only to be followed up by going with D to see Bob Dylan!!!!! Yeah babies, I am a Dylan fan like you wouldn't believe. I think that the guy is simply amazing, and after 46 years in the business, I heard that his new album is top of the charts! ( GO Bobby!) And then...at the end of October I am off to the happiest place on earth. I'm going to Disneyland with my sis and brother Doll and James for a couple of days of being 5 years old. (Indeed there will be more pictures from this years Disney trip so look out for possible new Sulley photos!) And then, it's Halloween and if I have survived, I may just make it up to SF for that night although I still haven't made up my mind.

I just hope that my pocket book stays afloat until I reach November :) Ok, I need to eat me pastrami sandwich. Color me starvin!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Vent - Elations...or how sugar is bad

2006-09-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well I'm currently on the sugar buzz from hell. My boss went to a food show and brought back samples which I foolishly said, "Yeah, ok" to and now...BUZZZ! Since I hardly ever really eat a lot of sugar....well babies I'm feeling like I could run out and visit everyone right now...no, literally run on my own two little legsess and that includes my overseas friends!

I suppose I should comment on what day it is. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. I'm saddened at the loss of so many lives five years ago, but I'm angry at the fact that I don't believe the truth came out. I'm not a conspiracy nut mind you, but there are too many things that are left unanswered and too many pieces that just don't fit that puzzle properly.

Having so said, I still remember that day since my roommate caught me at the front door leaving for work to tell me that a plane had crashed into the Towers. I thought he was joking, but the TV proved me wrong. The rest of the day was me at work in a state of shock, and the rest of the folks that came in in a state of shock. I emailed my cousin who lives out in NYC somewhere and in repsonces, I tried to make her laugh...wrong idea. Her responce to me, which I still remember was this, "I can't find anything to laugh at. They just blew up my city!" It kinda brought the point home a little bit more. Not being a media whore, I didn't keep glued to the TV all night, read as much of the paper as I could at the time....but 5 years later, I want the truth. I want the truth to come out because a lot of people lost their lives for nothing. Enough of that. It only makes me angry.

Speaking of angry, so I thought I would almost have to verbally backhand/bitchslap a customer today. What's worse is that he'll be back tomorrow. How do I know?

Well, let's call them Mr. & Mrs. Anal Retentive Bastard....or Arb for short. So every day The Arbs come in to the shop. They move chairs around to find the ones that suits them, go over and get two small cups of water and 4 napkins (yes I counted)...obviously two each, and Mrs. Arb sits down. Now Mr. Arb preforms the ritual of buying the same damn drink and food...two double lattes (one lowfat, one non) and a cinnamon bagel with ONE butter. If you give them two, they return one to you. How polite. Now the fun begins. It comes up to $6.82 and if Mr. Arb doesn't have the pennies, he reaches over for my penny cup, or puts his mitts on my tip jar and searches in there for fucking pennies. Oh, did I mention that if there is no chocolate powder to sprinkle on their lattes that he'll probably help himself, reaching across my counter to where we keep the chocolate powder which is really close to our pitchers for milk...cups to put to go orders in...you get the idea huh? This is the daily ritual. EVERY day.

Today, I have no co-worker in site (she was a little late) and I have maybe 6 people in line after Mr. Arb. I have the Arbs drinks made almost before he gets to the counter to order. He moves on. I move on to the next customer. Now, for the most part after 5 years I know the early morning folks drinks pretty well and can just jet through them but there is still prep time don'tcha know? So I didn't get Mr. Arb's bagel in straight away. Here's where it gets fun.

He's taken to sitting down, drinking a bit of his latte, then getting up and hanging around the pick up part of my counter. He gazes ever so lovingly at his bagel in the toaster, apparently hoping that since he is standing there being impatient...I will drop everything and grab his little piece of joy. Well today it was different and he almost got a major bitching from me. Like I said, 6 customers, they want drinks as well and Mr. Arb says to me (standing behind the shoulder of someone at the counter ordering), "My bagel?" I wanted to punch him. Impatient bastard! Geez it was like he was telling me how to do my job and that just don't fly with me my little chittlins!

So yeah, I get to deal with Mr. & Mrs. Arb tomorrow and probably for the rest of my life working at the shop. They are also one of the few customers who ever complain about music. It's too loud, can we turn it down? Fuck no! I get my sorry ass up at 5ish in the morning to get down there at 5:30ish in the morning so you fuckers can have your same damn thing just so you don't break routine? Did I mention they always wear friggin sweat shirts? Summer, winter, doesn't matter. If it's too hot they wear them around their necks! I swear that they go out and shop together to find the two that will fit men and/or women!

AND, when they do get that little bagel and one butter? I watched this...he cuts it in half first, then in half from that and they each equal portions of little sliced bagel. This goes on every day of the week. I only have to deal with them on Mon-Fri but apparently this still goes on on the damn weekend!

Ack, the sugar buzz is driving me mad here. I swear I now know how Denis Leary used to feel during a concert when he was ranting and railing. I think I need to quit bitching and eat some real food and try and make myself sleepy somehow. Anyone have a 75lbs Anvil? ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Boring Sidney, boring

2006-09-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

Well darlins there is a slightly new look to the site. Still not sure if I'm happy with it or not. I tried using a different program to build a custom site...but I got confused with some of it and couldn't figure out how to manipulate things the way I wanted. Not saying that I'm not still going to try but hey...it was a bit taxing on my poor little brain this weekend.

And speaking of, what the hell happened to my weekend? I don't recall what I did on Friday night but I must have been doing something wierd because I was up and down all night. When I did finally get up and out of bed to go get breakfast, I came back with all good intentions of doing stuff..only to be waylaid by a videogame which actually put me to sleep! Woke up around 6pm or so last Saturday night. Now that is just friggin wierd for me. I don't do things like that. Least I got out a little this weekend though.

So that is my exciting life, sleeping too late and demolishing my brain with the new Gojira movie. For those that don't know, when they brought the original Godzilla film to the states, the added Raymond Burr to help the US audiences out a bit. Well, they just released for the first time the original Japanese version (which also comes with the original US version). I haven't had time to watch it yet but I wound up finding the damn DVD finally. Ya gotta love giant lizards which are really men in giant rubber suits.

Which brings to mind my other purchase which was the 25th Anniversary Edtion of Shock Treament. It's the sequal to Rocky Horror Picture Show, and yeah, it's just as bad but I love this movie! Keeps me "jumpin like a real live wire"

Man what a dull and boring post full of nothingness....hm...maybe I need to revamp my posts as well ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Ah...day is done

2006-09-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

A quick little message tonight darlins. I'm feeling better, but it's gotten late fast tonight without me knowing it. The day was...well it was the day. Nothing truly exciting really. The only real thing of note was from a blogger who if you haven't/hadn't read his site, well I think ya should, especially todays posting. Trust me on this one. So much love over there to Phoenixboi who is always welcome in my kitchen with or without cha cha heels :)

And there may be exciting new looks to this little site. I'm kinda tired of how it's looking lately. Nothing has been changed in a while and isn't that the nature of life? Every now and then ya just need to spice things up a little. Throw a little glitter here or there (*sparkle sparkle*), hang some bead for crying out loud! Or, just change up your blogsite heh.

Now though...it's time for this little camper to go to bed. I haven't mastered the art of posting a song on here, otherwise I would have done so tonight. Just some odd little tune that runs through my head from time to time don'tcha know. And if you're curious, it's the Animaniac's theme song. Yeah...I know...wierd choice, but it makes me smile and wanna do a stupid little dance, maybe run around in my studio screaming like Pee Wee Herman "la la la la!" It's good to be a kid sometimes.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Feelin...?

2006-09-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

Well darlins, somehow we made it to the midpoint of the week. How? I have no clue.

Tuesday was stress central for me. I woke up to look at my clock and saw it was 6:24am. Did I mention that we open the doors to the shop at 6:30am? Yeah...like Meatloaf's Bat out Of Hell I was out the door and racing up to the shop. I think I managed to get us open only 10 minutes late. How I managed that I don't know. All I know is now, I've been feeling rather exhausted yesterday and part of today. Maybe it's something I'm coming down with. H was getting over a cold when I went over on Labor Day but I don't really ever get sick so I'm gonna stick with this little fact about me....

When I get stressed, I smoke....a lot.

Yup, as a smoker, I think I have hit that brick wall that happens when you actually smoke more than you're used to and you wind up feeling all ick. Maybe that's a good thing too because I keep telling myself I need to quit.

So the weekend is almost here again. I was thinking about laying low for the most part, maybe calling some of my fellow SF bloggers to see who wanted to grab a bit of Cannoli at Stella's in north beach?? Then I found out that Michael Franti (all praises be!!) is holding his Power To The Peaceful this Saturday. So, am I going? I have no clue.

What I do know is that I need to be in me bed now, all snuggled up in my blankie and dreaming of the impending vacation in October!

To everyone that asked me to cook for them, well hell's ya I'll try! I love to cook for folks that like to eat. I've had friends that are a bit picky in their eating habits, but hey...that's life. I do love to cook though. So if I can find a way to do that for y'all...well saddle up to the table then amigos. We'll have a bit of somethin' and a pot of coffee.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD!. Be Loved!

Laboring Days

2006-09-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone is having a kick ass Labor day! More posting to come with pictures from the Fajita Fiesta! (Insert appropriate Samba/Mamba/Cuban/Marriachi music here)

And we're back.

Yup, I'm finally home from the fiesta which was only D & H and my little nephew and me. Ok, so three folks eating, one having a lot of milk :)
I had forgotten how nice it is to cook for folks that enjoy eating. And babies, there was a feasting going on. I have a few picture examples here and the first is the grill with red and green bell peppers wrapped in tinfoil with some onions and garlic!

And believe it or not that yielded this.
Tortillas cooked on the grill as well. Babies, it was pretty heavenly. That wierd little clock looking jobber was the baby monitor since we put the little wiggly squiggly down for a while but he was soon back with us and mom and dad were trading off holding him to let the other eat.

So what do you serve with something like this? Oh I'm glad you asked. You serve, this Which was homemade guacamole, fresh homemade pico de gallo (which for those that don't know is pretty much just onion, cilantro, tomato, garlic, and jalapenos with some lemon juice thrown in), lots of cheese and some sour cream. Flour or corn tortillas mind you. Apparently I make good guacamole because I was just flyin by the seat of my pants when I made it and I have to say I thought it was pretty damn tasty. In the pitcher D had made up a mixture of Guava and Strawberry nectar with some fizzy water added. Oh lord honey child. That was some GOOOOD stuff! (and no alcohol either) So what did all this really yield us? How about this little monstrocity that I built for myself.

Well, no one was left hungry I can tell you that much. And after a little going over to the neighbors to say Hey, we came back to homemade cinnamon ice cream (sorry no picture) with shredded coconut on top and little crushed chocolate cookies. Oh, and me and D playing some kick ass games of Mario Soccer. And then...it was over and now it's going to be back to work. *le sigh* But, ya know what? After all is said and done, I am so happy that I had this evening with them. It's nice to share food with friends and have it all relaxed ya know? Definitely good times. DEFINITELY (he says with a big ol' grin on his face)

So I had the wierdest dream last night. I'm wondering what folks might make of it because I hardly remember my dreams so I tend to think the ones I do remember mean something. Here goes, and I'll try and put as much detail as possible but it's rather foggy except for key points.

There was a ship of some sort. Either a submarine, or a passenger liner and it was damaged
capsizing and going down. I was aboard and was with the other passengers trying to get out
before it went down comepletely. We all seemed to make it out of the ship, but the next thing
I know, I'm on dry land near my old high school (it was a three story building) and I
remember growling in anger because no one was doing anything. And there on top of the
high school was G.W. Now why he was there I don't know. But there he was and we were
all pissed off because I could look over and see the Bow of the ship still sticking up out of
the water (remember..dream ya know?) And all of the sudden the crowd starts chanting
"Blow it up. Blow it up" because they wanted to get rid of the ship, but of course, no one
did anything. Then, I woke up.

Now, if that's not a wierdo dream, I don't know what it. I mean, I can understand the whole ship and getting out of there and what have you....but the President on top of my high school?? And a mass of pissed of passengers asking him to blow up the ship? Any good dream interp folks out there? It was just wierd because I could hear my mom in the crowd and the way she was chanting was not emphasising all three words, but she was emphasising the word "it". Made it all more surreal to me. Wish I knew what the hell it meant.

That's the problem I have with my "religion". I'm a pagan, and you can call me a witch or warlock if you like, I don't care. It's what I believe in and it all centers from a place of love so...I digress. I sometimes feel that you can get messages in dreams. When you don't remember dreaming like me, and then you suddenly DO remember a dream, it makes you wonder if there was some message in there. Kinda scary sometimes, but mostly a bit frustrating to a degree because I just don't always understand what the hell it is I'm supposed to be getting from the dream.

Ah well...It's all one. (did I mention that Romeo and Juliet kicked ass on Saturday night?) And tomorrow is work again, but a relatively short week for us all. I do hope that you all got to get out there and have some fun for Labor Day. Hope none of you had work you had to do. And I mostly hope that you spent it with good friends, or family you love, or your "someone". It's always good to spread that love around.

Oh! Before I forget I want to say welcome back to the ever lovely M'lady! I had feared that she had left the blogging world but I saw that comment yesterd, so there's no hiding now :) Y'all go over and check out her site because she is on terrific lady!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Well did you ever? What a swell party this is!

2006-08-31T21:22:00.000-07:00

Well did ya ever?

You Should Drive a Saturn Sky

You're sleek and smooth, and you need a car to match your hot persona.
Besides, sometimes you want your top up - and sometimes you want it down.

What 2007 Car Should You Drive?

Um....yeah baby!

and then there is

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.
And while this may not seem big, it can be.
It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.
You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Me??? A boat rocker? Sure behind the scenes and all that rot because i blend in well to the shadows at times..but a boat rocker? Don't think so, but wait....there is

Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.
A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Ok now that is just down right creepy. Now babies you know yours truly ain't no saint (although I think there was once a Saint Shadowmichael but I can't be certain), but that does sort of sound like me and that's just wrong that one little damn picture can tell ya that. Ain't gonna hold a lot of stock in it but hey...it was fun and thanks to Derreck over at Philosophy By Me for these little insights. I found because he commented on my friend Szymon's blog.

Isn't it at once amazing, and at once rather odd that the blog world is really just that? I mean a world. Szymon is in Poland, Derreck in the Netherlands and I'm in California (thank you Nathan for fixing an almost fatal error with "me and I"), but yet we somehow stumble upon each other.

Ya just got to love it. Sorry that this was a bit odd and short and nothing terribly exciting, but I just felt like posting and this seemed like fun don'tcha know? The weekend is poppin up fast (being that it starts tomorrow!) and I had even forgotten that tomorrow should be pay day being that it's the 1st as well. Guess I should pay my rent so I can keep bloggin huh?

Ah my little babies out there, this hip cat daddio is ready for some R & friggin R! There are plays to be seen, an Fajita Fiesta to be thrown (so I guess I better get to the store tomorrow), videogames to be played, another birthday party to attend, and in the whole mix of it...just some actually fun to be had. So you all better dig what I'm puttin down here and slide yourselves out to the street for a bit of that handjive good time ju-ju madness this weekend, or this little hipcat is gonna be grumpy!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!
and especially on this labor day weekend, be careful out there if you have to drive!

Well that's the scoop

2006-08-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

Well Hidy-Ho neighbors (and neighborettes). Woof, half way through the week and I'm still feeling "allllright...can't help myself..." (kudos to those that might know what song I was quoting there.)

Ah kittens, ya know, work has been relatively ok this week so far. Minor irritants aside, we have a new worker starting this week. The guy is ... hm, what's the best wording for this... HOT! Ok, I know I know, but please this guy has these eyes that just are amazingly clear, crystaline, piercing, and gorgeous. Doesn't hurt that he's a waifish looking chap that today showed up in a mock turtleneck ... black...of course. Now I know that this boy has to be straight but DA-um! Sigh, of course he's probably half my age as well....and as Queen would say, "Another one bites the dust." Still, having eye candy to work with is always a good thing (he says hopefully).

So I had the photoshoot and the video aspect of my life is almost done done done! I still have to go in and ADR (don'tcha love technical terms?) my dialogue, but hey, that shouldn't be that hard right? Hm.. keep yer fingers crossed that it's not for me ok? The best part is that the film will be pushed at the small film festival market. As a guy that spent over 15 years in theater from Jr. High through the few years of college and beyond, it's pretty exciting to me. Hell, this could be the thing to help kick my ass into gear and start auditioning again. Ya never know where this could go and ain't that the fun in life sometimes?

So I present for your entertainment (and possible disgust) the before in makeup shot, and the after shot which is the new and improved Shadowmichael!

So....can you tell who is a happy camper to have that beastly beard shorn from his face? That's right, your's truly. Friggin thing is finally gone. I'm not saying I won't grow another one, but more of a traditional and more pristine beard when I decide I want one again. I appologise to anyone that has now lost site in one or both eyes.

And what about this ring?

That little guy resting on my pinky was a gift, a quite unexpected one that I got at work this past week. I have two customers that run (own?) a resturaunt called Baklava. They're pretty cool Turkish guys and the food ROCKS there. They come in every morning for coffee and I try and engage them (not that way thank you very much) in a little light joking around. So one day, I go to take their money and A (I don't know their names) looks at me and says,

"Here" dropping the ring in my hand.
"Nice.", I say.
"Try it on.", says A. So I do. It fits although a little loose.

now the problem is that I don't remember what was said next other than A telling me, "Keep it." I thought he was joking. What you can't tell from this picture is that it's a pretty heavy ring and it's real silver (not the expensive sort mind ya) and a really great piece of Hematite set nicely on top. I mean, who just gives out rings? I kept asking him if he was serious, and he just started laughing and kept saying, "It's yours. Keep it". The final words from A were, "I'm a Turk. What, I have lots of rings. It's yours."

Well, I think this is the start of good things. Why? I had to look up Hematite again to see what mystic properties it has and here's what I found. Pretty good if you ask me. This is a quote from some page, but I also found this site.

The root "hem/o" means "blood". When ground or cut, this blackish gray metallic stone forms a reddish powder. Hematite forms a reflective shield around the wearer, letting negativity bounce off and return to the sender. Wearers should remember however, that their own negativity will be reflected to them if they are its source. It is therefore a "lesson stone", teaching the aware to release and ground their negativity. It is also said to aid in mental attunement, memory enhancement and in disorders of the blood.

So there ya go, don'tcha? That's my excitement of late. Labour Day is coming up and I get the day off from work, I plan on seeing Romeo and Juliet this week, and who knows what wacky things are going to happen this weekend? I think that things are starting to get better babies. So don't y'all go mopin out there, cause I'm hoping that all of you have fabulous plans for the weekend, and if ya don't, well hell just gimme a call!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

A quicky....with possible surprises

2006-08-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well babies, this has to be a bit of a quick posting. I need to do a bit o' the resting before tonight because I'm supposed to be at a photoshoot.

For those that don't know, I've been working with a friend's band (Atomic Mint) on a video for one of their songs. What I didn't realize at first was that the video was going to be be a short film. Well, the good news is that filming is done! Tonight's shoot is for more promo stuff because our director wants to submit the movie to short film festivals. Pretty exciting stuff to me actually. I have only one last thing to do for this little endevour (and from the clips I've seen it look friggin rockin!!) and that is to rerecord my dialogue. Hopefully, this will all be cut and spliced and pasted and out in the can before too much longer. I'm just glad that I'm not the one that has that kind work ahead of them so Kudos to my director Scott!!

I have some new pictures of my little nephew Brenden, but that's for another post. And the story of the mysterious ring that is now on my pinky! Where did it come from and WHO gave it to me? Well you'll just have to wait now won'tcha?

The weather here is absolutely dismal right now...the sun is out and my weather program tells me it's a hellaciously hot 67 and I can hear a bit of the breeze out there too! Oh weep for me my friends and loved one.

Now..all I gotta do is make it to the weekend. Yup, I actually have some plans being, finally making it out to see Romeo and Juliet with my lovely friend Doll in the cast...and then there is a birthday party on Sunday...and on Monday? WOO HOO BABIES!! We're closed and I'm planning on surprising D&H by going and buying some meat and cooking for them. H told me last night that with my little B only being a month old...well, there's not a lot of cooking going on in that house right now so I think they deserve a little treat don't you?

Ok....time to see how bad the movie version of Stephen King's Desparation can be (and I'm not expecting much here folks)...but the crowing achievement of the day will be getting in my car and turning on the brand new Bob Dylan album!!!!!

Ok..I think it's time I watch a bad horror movie to prepare for getting shot...er...photo'd....er...gettin me picture all taken like. ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

YaaaaaHOOOO!

2006-08-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

Oh Darlins....it's finally the weekend and my schedual is about to clear up! Yes, the past couple of months have been wierd and somewhat hectic feeling with things to do...but now? I have a wedding to go to this afternoon and after that, I have the whole month of September open (with a few exceptions) on the weekends! Yes!!! Lazy time for this little camper, and perhaps without "engagements" looming over my head like buzzards ready to attack, I can find the time to finally get out there and start living! In other words getting up to SF to see the Faaabulous men I met during Pride weekend like Kalvin, JR, Dan, and who knows maybe even Chad Fox.

What's new for me? Well I'm still waiting for the CD of my lovely Ivri Lider from my buddy Adam's girlfriend damn it. Talk about dangling a carrot infront of a horse's eyes! (in Chinese astrology I am year of the Horse....what year are you?)

I got an interesting invite from a nice gentlemen in Poland recently. I linked him last night and it's taking some time to read his site. It's in Polish with an English translation, but please take the time to check it out. It's an eye opener for me. He's a gay man living in what seems to be a VERY oppressive society. So, drop by Szymon's site and say "Hi" ok? (besides, the picture of what I assume to be Szymon himself ... well he's a cuty hehe)

Now....if I can just survive the wedding ceremony, and get to the reception where I can hug my friend and tell her how gorgeous she is, so I can eat a little food and then get the hell back home, so I can take off my shoes and lay down on my futon and watch a movie, and maybe nosh on some Ben and Jerry's, and then probably fall asleep watching a movie.....I'll be much happier ;)

And if anyone hasn't been over there this week, you better check out Secret Simon's site because he's been making some amazing pictures ALL week!

Everybody have a GREAT weekend! Go out there and hug your friends, kiss a cuty, do a little dancin, sing a little song..just enjoy yourselves!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

An odd blog

2006-08-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you all for the sweet words and thoughts on my last post. The funny thing is that by the time I had finished writing it, I was actually feeling a lot better. That's why I chose the Beatlesesque word "Blue-ish". But it's nice to know that I have so many great folks out there reguardless.

So I started writing this last night (what follows) and had to save it as a draft for various reasons, so part of this post is from last night, part from tonight..

I just came back (computerwise) from Voyeur Nation, the website of a man I had never met, never talked to, and sadly didn't know. A lot of my friends did know him. There are lovely tributes to Marc all over the blogsphere right now. What saddens me is that they have taken down the posting that were up last night. It was the only way I had to know who this person was, and some of what he had to say really hit home for me. I wish that they hadn't taken down the posting he had put up about, if memory from last night serves, a Joy Log. How did I manage to miss this guy? From all I could read last night, he was truly amazing. If you want to know what he was like, I say look at these folks blogs to see what an impact a person can make on a group of people. To all that knew Marc, I am so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry for myself not having gotten to meet him in time.

Very lovely tributes can be found posted by Ryan, Atari, Brad, Dan, Richard, Rey, and Hypoxic. As I said, it just goes to show you that EVERYONE makes an impact on this world in small ways, and those small ways can blossom into something beautiful. I would just like to send everyone that knew Marc a very warm and heartfelt hug. You were the lucky ones.

On the opposite side of things, my own personal life seems to be a bit...well odd. There is a lot of drama around the coffee shop that I didn't know about. Three breakups within the course of the weekend it seems and it may have to do with one person. Now THAT is kinda scary if you ask me.

Aside from that, my friend Adam is now travelling South to school. I wound up last night driving to see him one last time (and what the hell was I thinking about going out at 11pm on a work night when I get up at 5ish in the morning?). They were bowling, and I got to meet....the girlfriend. Now, I knew that he was straight, but there is still some odd delusional aspect to me that just hoped (if ever so slightly) because...well...reasons I guess I'd have to explain later. Just I didn't know that he thought of me as a friend as well. See, we knew each other pretty much in passing during the mornings at the coffee shop. Still, it's kinda amazing what sort of friendships you can build up that way. I'll miss seeing him in the morning though I can tell ya. And the girlfriend? Damn it...she's pretty, and very intelligent (as a matter of fact he and his friends were discussing political things that just boggled my little actor's brain!). Still, I do always like to think of my friends being happy so how can I be upset too much...other than he's straight hehe.

I've started reading some new blogs, well new for me and I have to point you out to one really hip lady named Merle. She's a crack up. While I haven't yet emailed her, or really gotten to know her at all...just go check out her site and you tell me that you're not going to go back and see what she writes next!

I'm still pondering Marc's last post and especially his food for thought 1-10 (you can find that at the bottom of his post and I encourage everyone to read them). I mean, how often have I told my friends lately that I love them? And how can you ever truly know the impact you are going to make on someone's life? Well...Marc, since I know you must be "up there", you've made me start looking at a brighter side of life over the last couple of days. I just hope that my "impact" can be as empowering to someone else.

Now go out there and hug your friends damn it! Go out and paint a picture. Go out and stand in a park and sing like Julie Andrews in Sound Of Music for cryin out loud!! Babies...while the ride can be slightly down sometimes, don't forget that everyday you're here...you've made someone else happy. And that, my friends, is enough to keep me going for a long long time.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Am I blue-ish

2006-08-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

Oh darlins...I just don't know sometimes. I mean, here I am going about my day and then stuff seems to hit ya square in the face sometimes. So, here I sit listening right now to Rufus Wainwright which is helping a bit. Why so bummed? (although it's not like I'm completely down in the dumps) Just realizing what I don't think I'll ever have. Stupid and very non Buddhistic of me, but after going over to see my little Brenden....and watching D&H with him, I realized I'll never have that. I'll never have a little guy, or girl, squigglin and screamin in my arms. It's a saddening actually. Kinda like looking in a window at a Christmas display where everything seems all perfect (even though I know it's not), and knowing that it's all just an illusion of your mind. But sometimes what I wouldn't give for that illusion ya know?

Ah fuck this...ya know Bob Marley once was quoted as saying "It is what it is from beginning to end." Ain't that just the truth? Bill Hicks said that "it's just a ride". Makes sense to some degree. It's a crazy ass ride too. Sometimes I think it's dull and boring and then you hit that rollercoaster level of stuff where you just dropped 80 feet down and are about to hit the loops. Sometimes scary, sometimes exciting, but mostly I wind up screaming because it's fun. Hm...how's that for a new quote about life? "I wind up screaming because it's fun"...think I'm gonna put that on a T-shirt hehe.

I got to hang out last night with my friend Adam and catch up a little with him post Israel, and pre moving to So Cal. He was down at my shop last night and then I wound up hangin out with him and his friend as they played guitars. Damn them both cause they were amazing. It was a pretty amazingly cool night. We were outside under the stars (before the clouds rolled in), and no lights to speak of, and them just playin and singing. I haven't had a night like that in a while. Made me think of college to some degree.

The last year in college (before I was asked not to come back...yup, pretty much kicked out of college), I shared a house with my friend Ed. Now Ed played guitar pretty damn well, and he had a thing for the Greatful Dead. The house (which is in a small town in Texas) had a front porch which we had a couple of beat up cushy chairs and at one point an old beat up couch on. I remember coming in and there would be Ed just playing some Dead song, maybe something by The Band, and we'd sit there just singing together and him playing. There's something really magical about times like that. Something that I seem to have forgotten until last night.

I miss singing actually. I'm thinking about hitting a site on the internet and seeing if I can find some Cat Stevens tabs to download and see if I can get my fingers back to playing. Yup...I dabble in guitar. I'd say I play but I haven't for months. Same could be said about piano but that's probably been a few years now. Ya gotta love being able to make music. Now if I could just get past the fear of making wrong note, feel a bit more confident in what I was doing, and take some lessons maybe I could actually do some more writing. (I have written a song...as in one...and now I don't know how I managed to do that)

Well this is a rambly kinda message and I'm starting to feel a bit better about things. After all, I have folks that love me. I have folks that I consider my family reguardless of not being related to them. I got good friends. And even H called today and said to me "Brenden hasn't seen his Uncle Michael in a while, when you coming over?" Now if that's not a little taste of heaven, what is really?

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Almost time...again...finally

2006-08-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well kittens, it is almost the weekend again. I actually have some plans this time around. Going to see Romeo And Juliet this weekend, hopefully tomorrow if I'm not too tired out. Last week when I went, I was still trying to shake the cobwebs out of my brain and it wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been. This time, plan on coming home after work, shnacking, and just resting up til show time.

So I was looking at last night's post and what a whiner I am! Jeez...how the hell do you folks put up with me? eesh.

I did put a new little doo-dad up on the site though (and seeing as a few folks have jumped the blogger ship to a newer site..I'm thinkin...which is scary). There's this place called MEEZ.Com Kinda fun and kinda dumb at the same time but my little rocking clockin an' shockin Meez down there makes me smile. Fun, but a waste of time...but fun heheh.

So my friend Adam got back from Israel in one piece safe and sound. Good news to me, although he leaves for school on Monday (bad news to me) because even though he's not a "hang out and talk all the time" kinda friend (he's really an "I know him because he's a regular customer but I'd like to hang out with him" kinda friend), he's a cool guy. How cool is he you may ask. I'm waiting. Go ahead, ask. Well he's cool enough to bring me two cds from Israel of my favorite pop singer Ivri Lider. Now...I just have to wait until he comes in the shop and delivers them. (hopefully tomorrow!)

And there ya have it. Nothin going on but the rent right now. Had some odd problems with my cell today. It seemed to want to switch over to a headset mode. Wouldn't be that bad except I don't own one! Ah well...seems to be fixed now though.

God..I am looking forward to the idea of going to an art store for some supplies soon. I need to check my pens, and this is of course if I get off my lazy ass to actually work on some projects I had started a long time ago. That, and I'm thinking that since my phone seems to want to switch to a handless headset...well why not if I can find one that I like and isn't too expensive. Any suggestions?

Ok....well maybe there will be mucho fabuloso news this weekend. Hell, maybe I'll meet the man of my dreams (or of a couple of hours) at the show tomorrow. Who the hell knows eh? Till then...

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Well did ya ever?

2006-08-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

Now ain't that a kick in the head? Yeah baby! Rrrrraaar! ;)

MORE TO COME

And....We're back

Does anyone but me have good taste? I mean you like those Italian shirts and nicely cut slacks? You find yourself wanting to try things on and then you look at the price tag and wonder...

"You want me to honestly give up around HALF my paycheck that I just got for a pair of pants?!"

...and so you walk out of the store slightly dejected but still determined to find something that looks nice. You try Hugo Boss and feel as if the clothes are laughing behind your back as you walk in. The $600 jacket actually snickers at you as you pass by it, eyeing it and fingering the material only momentarily. The shirts stare you down as if you say "Yeah, right. Come back when you're a real shopper." And you leave feeling slightly worse for the (yeah you know there's a pun here) wear.

So you try Macy's. It's kinda a gay stand-by don't ya think? Good old Macy's. And after looking at such quality clothing...it all looks like stuff you'd find on the sale racks of Sears now. BORING! And as you wander out grumbling to yourself slightly, you think about Nordstroms which is not that far to walk in the mall...but realize it's going to be more of the same disappointment. You want that pair of $350 Italian pants and the $560 Velvet jacket from Hugo Boss.

....so you go into the last bastion of hope. The store that used to be the crowning glory for you in your gothy youth....Hot Topics. Armed with that gift card that you received for your birthday you are determined that you WILL find something you like, hell, it's Hot Topics for fuck sake! You look at the racks of clothes, realize they aren't for you. Realize that the entire wall is now T-shirts of bands you either don't care about or haven't heard of. And then it really kicks in...there is ABSOLUTELY NO Men's clothing to speak of...let alone anything that looks gothish except for the boots which you're not really that interested in anyway.

Lesson to learn here? I have expensive tastes and not the capital to buy them. Secondly, the malls are evil. Thirdly, Hot Topics is dying a slow death....

Le sigh.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

More?!

2006-08-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

Well babies, it's more birthday madness than you can shake a stick at! (and believe me I tried to shake a stick at mine this year but it still showed up nonetheless) I think that God must just love Leos or something...maybe us Cancers too don'tcha know?

At any rate, I just wanted to pop out a quick Happy Birthday to my buddy Jon. (He's supposed to post the pictures of what he's been working on today!!) So go over there and give him a big hug and say Happy Birthday. That way you can look at his artwork and see what he's been creating. Speaking of, I'm proud to say that I have this in my collection now. Yup....I was the lucky guy that bought Little Red and the Big Bad Wolf.

And hey hey now.....it's also Alden's birthday! (what is it with artist having birthdays on the same day?) I haven't bought any of his work, but I'm still kinda hoping he'll make some prints (hint hint). Ya might want to be careful if you send him a hug cause he's a Viking! ;)

So a big Happy Birthday to ya both! *Streamers flying! Confetti!!*Two amazingly sweet guys (even if Alden professes to be evil) that yours truly does digeth the mostest.

And now....it's time for me to be in bed. Looks like the tickets are going to be taken care of so I can actually see go out to see Rey when he's at home. And, I think I'm almost caught up on bills! Ok, so it may not be that groovy to you cats but believe you me babies...it certainly rocks my little world. Dig?

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

It's a baby....baby.

2006-08-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ya ever noticed that there are those times you sit down and you're ready to post a new posting..hm..that sounds odd, then life just up and seems to get busy on ya? Well, that was me for some reason. It's like time is not deciding to either speed up or slow down on a whim. Lately, it seems I turn around and hours have gone by and I haven't updated and blah blah blah.

So...Since I got permission from D&H to do this, I'd like to introduce ya to my little "nephew". He's still adorable and this was one of the cuter pictures of him. Yeah, I think I'm in love hehe. And the flowers behind him were from my garden. Ya gotta love roses.
So speaking of, my friend Jon wanted me to post some pictures of my garden. Since right now things are starting to die-back a bit. Unfortunately, in looking at my picture files, I think I deleted stuff off my camera I hadn't downloaded! Grrr....picture of an idiot in full effect (me that is hehe).

Apparently, I am a magnet for the bizzare lately. Friday night when I went to see Taming of the Shrew (and my friend Doll was adorable!), I wound up sitting in the back row for Act II. Not that bad really because for some odd reason I was able to understand the actors better. Go fig. I don't know. The real problem was the woman across the aisle from me who obviously had already had more chardonnay than she should have. I swear I was about ready to go over and slap the bitch! At some point in the show after Katherine (the shrew) gave some very shrewish line, this audience member decided to pipe up and say "Well she must be a Capricorn.", and not solto voto (quietly). Yeah lady, you're sitting in your damn living room watch the TV and not watching live theatre with other people. I mean really!

But, then my friend Chryssa hits me over the head with a lead balloon in her post recently about not forgetting to be thankful for the little things, and how we all bitch but it's really just minor stuff that we should get over. Well she's right. Yup, I'll call it as I sees it and Chryssa girl...you's righter than rain baby. Cause ya know, it is an odd phenomenon that we all like to complain a bit ya know? So how am I gonna get past that and remind myself to be thankful for what I have? Well I got friends and my fam to do that. And, that little bugger up there in the picture.

I'm attempting to get my first podcast off the ground here, but it's taking some time. Of course, I also have to find a place to host it and there are free sites out there, but I need to do some reading because I don't really understand hosting. Hell, I don't understand a lot about the computer realm.

And what was the big "holy shit!" news? Well it happened on Friday which was my boss' birthday and he happened in to work. He hands me a card saying sorry he was late with it. I say no problem and start to put it down. He says, "No no no. You gotta suffer along with me." So I open it. Funny card about turning 40 and all but inside is a piece of paper from Expedia. He's booked me a flight out to New Jersey for a weekend. Now, I may complain about work, but I have to say I have a pretty friggin cool boss. :) (course now I have to talk to him about changing the dates otherwise I won't get to see Rey) So yeah, looks like October could be the month to undo me entirely because I hope to go to Disneyland with Doll and James at the end of the month, fly out and visit Rey at the beginning, see the Dresden Dolls in the middle, and go to Yoai Con towards the end of the month. *blink blink* I think I need to start exorcising.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Oh my

2006-08-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes the amazing thing about life is it's wierd quirky Cosmic Fish that whap ya upside the head at times. Today .... well odd things are apparently abrewin' for me. Not odd as in bad, but just one of those "um...holy shit!" in a good way type things.

I'm hoping to make it to see my friends in Taming of the Shrew tonight. Gotta love the idea of Shakespeare in the park (or in this case woods sort of). And it's the weekend so there is sleep to finally be had for me tonight until I can't sleep any damn more! (unless my mom calls me at ungodly hours of the morning)

What will the weekend bring? Well who knows...but I'm sure if it's anything like the surprise I got today, let's just say that things could be looking way up for me.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

A short note

2006-08-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

I'm lame tonight folks...sorry. It's late, I should be asleep but I finally am feeling tired. Perils of me eating too late in the evening I guess.

Something in me just says that it's time again to say thank you to my friends. Thank you to the people that have opened up their hearts to me and let me get to know them. I don't often call or email, I know. I'm bad about that lately. I'm stuck in a bit of a life rut that I'm trying to break out of slowly. It doesn't mean that I don't think about you. As a matter of fact, I do care a great deal about my friends and their well being.

I was listening to Dionne Warwick again tonight singing What The World Needs Now is love sweet love. Ain't that the truth? So just know that you are all loved, if only by the guy sitting behind this wierd little machine making colored pixels map out on a screen.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Hello? Is this thing on?

2006-08-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

No darlins, I did not fall off the side of the world whilest trying to prove it round and finding it flat. Just seems that almost every time I sit down to type something, nothing would come really. Now ain't that kick in the rubber parts? For a guy that has his sight set on trying to figure out how to get back into living a creative life to have nothing to say? Well ok, it was all pretty much just blah blah blah stuff, daily shite, and me feelin sorry for myself at times but getting over it.

Now trust me, I do have more to say and I'm sure I'll type again later but here's the big skinny for those that don't read their site, Ryan is home and that's about all that I needed to get a little smile on my face. Hell, he's my little brother (although as ya know most of my "family" ain't my blood relations) and yeah, I was worried. Pneumonia is nothing to sneeze at. Hm...me thinks I just hit bad pun central with that. Somehow though, I knew he was going to be fine. He's an amazingly strong guy (whether or not he knows this fact) so I knew that he'd pull through alright. Luckily for him, he has the best boyfriend in the world taking care of him for a little while longer. While I still feel bad that I tend to talk more with Ryan (and email etc) than I do with Mike, well if you knew them both you'd know they seem perfect for each other. So yeah, Ryan may be my little brother, but Mike is in the family too because I know what a good guy he is, and what a good heart he's got. So y'all go over and show them BOTH some love ok?

Now, I'm going to go lay down, watch BRICK (which I've been waiting for in earnest) and hopefully not fall asleep.

MORE TO COME *with appologies to Johnny Carson*

And we're back. Well let me tell ya babies, BRICK surpassed any expectations I had for the film. Do ya like Noir? Do ya like 40's tough guys? Do ya love Joseph Gorden-Levitt (you know that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun)? Babies...rent this one and trust me!

So today was apparently stupid day without me knowing it. My cell was cut off because I thought I had paid the bill...wrong. And customers were idiots. It started like this

Me: What kind of bagel to you want?
Guy: Yeah, a bagel.
Me: Yes, what KIND of bagel do you want?
Guy: Yeah I want a bagel
*we finally worked that one out eventually*
Me: So you want that with cream cheese? Toasted?
Guy: No, no.
Me: Sliced?
Guy: No that's ok.
Me: Ok, *as I start to put said bagel into bag*
Guy: Oh, could I get that with cream cheese?
Me : *trying to maintain* Sure.
Guy: Oh, could you toast that too?

So that was the start of my day. Then there was the guy that had this little problem with his order.

Guy: And a quiche please.
Me: Ok, what kind? I've got mushroom, spinach, or ham.
Guy: I'll take the combo.
Me: Pardon? I have mushroom, spinach, or ham.
Guy: Oh...mushroom.
*seems to be over and done with doesn't it? Order is up and hot and I call it out to which said customer picks up his food as I return to the reg*
Guy: *with a bite taken out of said quiche* Hey, this is a quiche, not a knish.
Me: *again trying to maintain* I'm sorry. I thought you said quiche.
Guy: No I wanted a knish.
Me: I could make you a...
Guy: no no..that's fine.

Ok children pop quiz. Does a minature quiche look like a knish? I'll provide picturers. On the left is a Knish, looking very delightfull and flaky, and on the right, a quiche looking very eggy and tasty. Can YOU tell the difference?

Oh the joys of being me at times.

So what else is going on in Michael land? Well, not a lot really, but a lot of hectic energy around lately. The shop is keeping me pulling what is left of my hair out because of constantly changing schedual and coworkers to the point that I have no idea who I'm going to be working with the next day sometimes. And the customers....oh my customers (don't get me wrong I do like them but some folks are just DUMB!).

Now over on my blogroll (which really needs some tending to right now) is a guy that I think you should go over and check out. Jon makes are out of found objects and the things that you and I would normally just toss out as trash. That in and of itself is worthy of praise if you ask me. He just won First place for one of his pieces (which you can see on his site) and I'm just pleased as punch for him. He's also a major sweetheart of a guy. So head over there and check out what he's be able to do with "trash".

Yeah, shameless plug for a friend's page but hey...it's MY site here so I can say what I want to. And if I can't, I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn gay!

At any rate, I need to get off me bum and order my mom's birthday present, while I consider what to get two coworkers for thier birthday this weekend, AND I have yet another birthday coming on Tuesday! I'm going to be broke hehe.

Thanks to everyone that stops by this wierd little place of mine. I constantly notice that I'm getting folks from other sites that don't leave comments, and that's cool, but if you want to tickle my fancy a bit (naughty wicked campers!) take a little time and add yourself to my little Frapper map. I put it up there cause I thought it would be fun to see where everyone was from. I don't think you're forced to join Frapper either...course I'm not sure now about that but hey, humor me ok?

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Lammas, my little brother, peace, and babies

2006-08-01T21:53:00.000-07:00

Oh darlins. As I'm sitting here listenin' to Ivri Lider (for those that know how to read Hebrew..try here)sing to me in Hebrew (ok, I have no idea what's being said/sung but I love him nonetheless), I'm still reeling from going over to D&H's tonight and meeting my little nephew. I'm sure you're all going to be quite violently ill hearing about this little bugger so much but...he is so damn CUTE!

There's something magikal about holding a baby in your arms. And yes, I spelled that properly for the intention of the word. I remind folks that as a pagan, there is a difference between magik and magic. The one with the "c" is done by stage magicians and illusionist. The one with the "k" talks about the mystic, spell casting, etc. So....I digress,

I held him today and for the first time in my life, I felt this little wriggly guy and it felt oddly so right. He may not be my kid, but I know now that I am going to love him like he was/is. Five days old and looking into his eyes, I did see the entire universe. I know that he wasn't really looking at me yet because he's not quite old enough to really pick up on that kinda thing...but he looked at me. God I felt such a rush of love pouring out to him. I can't wait to see what the next year is going to bring them and me. I'm planning on spoiling this kid as much as I can (well within limits. I think a little spoiling is a good thing, too much is a bad thing).

The down side of the day is that my little brother Ryan was taken to the hospital. He has pneumonia. You best believe that tonight on Lammas, all my thoughts are focussed out there to him. So, even if you don't know him, just take the time to send him all your good thoughts for a speedy recovery ok? He's a really dear person to me. Yeah, I love my friends a lot. So Ryan, even though you can't read this right now...get well buddy.

And last night I had a thought (yeah that's dangerous now ain't it?). While I haven't tried what Alden suggested to me about how to try and make my five minute post a permanent link at the top (for a while), I think it's worth trying. Why? Because it hit me. Ya know what chittlins? We have progressed so far in terms of violent actions that you don't have to be anywhere near anyone to do them bodily harm. Ya thought about that? We have sniper rifles, missles that you don't have to be anywhere near your "enemy" to fire, satellites that tell us where to send things to blow folks up....and you never have to see the person. Is that scary and sad to any one but me?

I'm not anti-gun persey. But I tell ya, if you think about the fact that in the "old days" you had to know how to wield a sword and you had to look at the person you were fighting...well, it almost makes the concept of what we have now far too clean if ya ask me. I wonder how many people would be able to fire that missle if they could see the eyes of the person it was being sent to blow up? It just bothers me a lot lately. Drive by shootings? Do they even seen the person they're firing at? And what would they do if they had only a sword, or mace, or two handed ax? Yeah babies...anyone can pull a trigger, or push a button. It's almost impersonal. Just wish I knew why we keep coming up with new inventive ways to hurt each other bodily.

Ack....maudlin! But it still plays in my mind like a bad loop. Kinda like when you get that loop of "all the leaves are brown (leaves are brown)" stuck in your head. And I tell ya, I don't want any of my nieces, or nephews having to deal with these thoughts, but I think they're stickin around unfortunately. That is until we get our heads out of our asses.

In the meantime my lovely little birdies, please don't forget to take some time and think about peace ok? And please don't forget my friend Ryan in your prayers either if you wouldn't mind. Even if you don't believe in a God, just send him some good thoughts ok? AND...know that out here, somewhere in the frey, there's someone thinking about you as well..and hoping that you're well and happy. So you better be having a FAAAAbulous time of life babies... or Mama is gonna kick some collective ass!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

That's SO Monday!

2006-07-31T21:25:00.000-07:00

Dear god it is over....finally Monday is over! What a bitch. Ever wonder what it would be like to stand at work for 5 hours with only the sound of your customers? Let me tell ya...not pretty. Our cd player crapped out on us so, yes, 5 hours of the hum of machines and patrons in the cafe. What did I do about it? I just bought the shop a new cd player. Sure, I was reinbursed but I am not going to listen to that lot and get all cranky and bitchy over it another day. People seem to like me better when I'm smiling (and sometimes dancing behind the bar).

So D&H are safe, sound and home. They were zonked after the hospital stay and I should have realized that. I actually talked with H a little tonight and she seems more rested (apparently they got very little sleep in hospital because of nurses and the folks they were sharing the room with), so that's good. I'll be greeting my new little nephew tomorrow evening for the first time! (Thank you Alden for the advice by the way) Yes, I'll have my camera, but I don't think it's fair for me to post pictures of the little bugger here without parental approval. So, I'll ask :)

My little brother Ryan is feeling a bit down today, so I thought, hey...everyone go over to his site and give him love babies! (and if you don't...I'll snap ya in two like twigs heh) Seriously, this is one amazing guy and I know I say that about everyone but Ryan ... well he's my little brother. And yeah, I love him tons. So go over and make him smile ok? (cause he's got the cutest smile let me tellya!)

And whilest at Fry's tonight, I picked up something so maaaaybe there will be a podcast in my future. Grabbed me a USB headset with microphone. The airwaves may not be ready for what I have instore. Actually, no one may listen to it after the first show but damnit, it looks like a fun endevour. I may eat my words after I get it finished though.

What else? Hm....yup...nothing. Other than if you run across a movie called RAVE, keep running. Listen, I went to raves. I even went to raves and got all bent out of my mind on E (and that was 6 years ago thank you)...but this movie. Eck! Predictable, characters that are so stock movie characters that you know what's going to happen to them before the film is halfway over, the acting wasn't bad but the storyline was just rotten! It's so damn moralistic that I could puke! I liked raving. I had a blast doing it. If I could I would consider going back but I think that someone that's 40 is going to look a bit out of place. Oish...if you want to see what raving was like for me, watch Groove.

So, with a bad movie under my belt, and the hour for bedtime coming closer, and the need to heat my hot pocket (dirty buggers...my dinner I'm talking about), and the hopes to watch a bit of a good movie (Ok, so it's Animaniacs volume 1 but who's counting) and get to bed....I suppose I should wish ya all a good night. Let us hope that with the music going tomorrow, the rest of the week goes swimmingly.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

It's over?!

2006-07-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

I should be in bed right now, but there were some trinity marks to find, beasties to kill, big bosses to try and defeat and the damn Hades Cup to win. Yes, it was a Kingdom Hearts night. I swear this game is destine to make my eyes bleed out of their socket! But hey, I wanted to play it so....

I'm hoping that everyone's weekend was ok. Mine? Well babies...let's set the scene shall we?

Saturday I am supposed to go and see D&H and the new baby at the hospital. I call to see when I can come up and was told that there were a number of folks coming that afternoon. Ok. Fair enough. I decide that I'll just see them all when they get home. No biggie right?

I head up to the city with me buddy J to see A Chorus Line. Traffic is lite. The night is pretty well shaping up to be groovin. We finally park and go to grab some dinner. As J heads off to find the bathroom at the restaurant, something says in the back of my head "Go check to make sure he locked his door." I think that I'm being silly and we don't have a lot of time before the show. Dinner is swell, the show is .... well it looks kinda dated and I thought that the actors could have put more into it. The crowd that night though seems to think that it's the best performance of anything they have ever seen in their lives. (I swear...it was just ok and that from a theatre/actor perspective) So off we go at the end to drive home. BUT...

There sitting on the sixth floor of the parking lot is my car. Nothing seemingly wrong until I realize that my lights are on. "Aw shit! I left my lights on." Yup..dead battery. Now you would think that in a parking garage the attendants would maybe have some jumper cables wouldn't you? Ah hells no! Not to mention all the "lovely" people I asked who brusquely said "No!" when I asked if they had any. Luckily for us, Triple A was speedy and we got home all safe and soundishly. I drop him off and dive straight into..not bed but Latter Days. Why I thought it was a good idea to watch a movie at 12:30 is beyond me but once it was started there was no turning it off. I swear I love that movie.

So here we are....Sunday. I feel all brain fried. I call D&H to see if their home. No answer. So, I call D's cell phone. No answer. Leaving messages I say for them to gimme a call when they get home. I proceed to begin the great videogame marathon. Much later in the afternoon, after no reply, I call both numbers again. Same thing...no answer. Getting a bit antsy. Back to the game. Out of the studio to do some stuff at the shop. Call again...no answer. Getting worried. Go to the grocery store, buy dinner and far too many snacky things but that should last me the week. I finally call one more time at around 8:30 tonight....STILL no answer. Well let me tell ya I am officially worried and a bit freaked. I have no idea if they're home, if she's still at the hospital, or what the fuck is going on. I swear if he doesn't call me tomorrow there is gonna be some hell to pay! (yes I imagine horrible scenarios that I won't go into but that's the nature of a worrying Jewish Mother...now finish what's on your plate because there are starving children in Africa)

So, from a nice Friday night dinner with friends for yet another damn birthday this month, to realizing I should have been listening to my instincts, to hoping I shouldn't be listening to my instincts. And the damn weekend is over! What the hell...I say we all rebel and just take the entire week off and call it a weekend eh? What say you all? If we all tell our bosses to go to hell then what can they do?! Oh....yeah...right....I have no one to call in to because I'm the morning boss. Le Sigh....

Well I am hoping that everyone else's weekend went fine. Mine was definitely odd to say the least .. well, it just didn't wind up working how I thought it would. But hey...there is always next weekend eh? That is unless I am attacked by a giant Anaconda somewhere between here and then.

Wowsers....me thinks I should go to bed.

Be safe. Be well. Be Proud! Be Loved!!

Woo hoo baby....Friday!

2006-07-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

Woo Hoo Chittlins! It's the weekend. Yes indeed we made it! Babies, I need it too. This whole week was waiting to see when D&H would have the baby. You'd think I had been the father (or mother perhaps). Well, yesterday around 1pm D called me to tell me that everything went fine and baby and mother were fine! YES! The little one was around 9 pounds. So much for little huh? Still, tomorrow I get to go up to the hospital and see them all for the first time. Gonna be a bit odd to see H without that big of a belly anymore.

So, I think that this weekend I'll try and post some new pictures I took of the garden. Sadly, it's been slowly withering not from the heat but just because that's what certain plants do. The Gladiola have done their thing for the season, but my rose bush is pumpin out a new blossom (or three). Now I just have to figure out if I can do a "winter" garden. Haven't tried that yet.

And there is the question of some memes that I owe. Rey had sent me one years ago...so long ago I actually had hair on my head! Have I forgotten it? Um...*blush* well not really but...uh...yeah. And Brad hit me with one for ten words that begin with S and describe me? I'm pondering that one as well..and do made up words work? Hm....

And I get to see A Chorus Line tomorrow night. Final show of my season tickets. And then Dresden Dolls on Sunday?! Yup, free instore signing and acoustic set (from what I remember) so it's going to be a bit of a busy couple of days but I do know this...

Tomorrow....Saturday...there will be no alarm. There will be sleeping until I wake up naturally (and it better not be at 8am). There will be babies to see, leaves to rake up in my yard, and then theatre to go to. Now if that ain't a kick ass weekend I don't know what is. So my little doves of delight....I'm going to plop my slightly tired ass down on the futon for a bit of a movie so I can get up and shower and shave and have a dinner with friends (yes, another birthday...jesus this month!). In the mean time, while you're waiting on me to finish fixing my hair (and I do mean the few remaining ones)..

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

a quicky...we hope.

2006-07-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

While blogger is allowing (it's all wonky on this end of things tonight), I want to say thank you for your comments about yesterday's 5 minutes. I hope that I can figure out how to keep that post at the top for a while, but I'm not terribly computer literate, nor blogger literate either.

Tomorrow is baby day! Yes indeed, in a few hours a lovely little bundle of boy will be delivered to my friends D&H.

I recently bought my first pieces of artwork. They arrived today and I'll have to post pictures later. I'm not sure how much longer blogger is going to like me.

I do have plans for a longer blog session, things on my mind, things I want to say, the need to re-update my damn blogroll which keeps increasing as I meet more great folks. So, if I don't get around to commenting much on your sites, I'm tryin'. Just getting a bit daunting at times.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Five mintues of your time

2006-07-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have a request of everyone that reads my blogsite. Just humor me for all of five minutes of your time. That's all I ask. Just five ok?

Since today is no different from any other day as far as I'm aware of, and since there is no great significance to anything happening today, I'd like to ask you to do the following.

Just for five minutes think about everyone out there in the world, everywhere. See all of us silly humans running around this rock. Then, envision peace. Think about seeing all the fighting stop for five minutes. Think about people seeing the face of their "enemy" and seeing their brothers and sisters. For five minutes in the life of this rock, think about a world where fighting would end.

I have no idea if this will do much. I know that there are my own theories on collective consciousness, that may just be the ravings of a madman. But maybe, just maybe the Universe will listen if enough people think it at the same time. Crazy? Who knows, but all I ask is that you try for five minutes today.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved.

The countdown begins!

2006-07-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

I don't remember who drew this for me. It was a long time ago but I just found the image again and liked it a lot

Oh my stars and garters but my studio is still like walking into the middle of the sun heh. I think I need to invest in a large fan but after last weekend, I think you'd be hard pressed to find one right now!

Joyous JOYOUS news tonight from D&H. Whilest dining at a fine establishment (a local pasta joint) on the finest of liquid refreshments and cuisine (a diet coke and some rigatoni that wasn't all that warm), I got a call back from H. The date is set!! On Thursday she's going to have the baby! To hell with turning 40 this past weekend! To hell with everything because two of the people I love so much are about to become proud parents. I can't think of anything greater right now.

Well, there was the fact that it is still summer. Oh the days of summer when returning from Costco meant pulling up to a red light and seeing a shirtless delight. Ah that tanned torso, and that treasure trail pointing to hidden bits of secreted delight. And the sag....the sag of his shorts revealing that blue pair of boxers which didn't quite cover the top of his ass as he walked away. This must be what summer is all about babies!

Outside of the call about the baby, it's been kinda a quiet Monday which was nice. I felt rather wiped out after my sweatfest yesterday (Hm..maybe Ozzy should change the name of his festival?). Yes, I'm drinking a lot of water. Fizzy Calistoga water is my addiction. Bubbly and refreshing. Oish, what am I an advertising exec? Hm....

And, sadly enough, this afternoon I came home to find sherbert sitting in his water. No...not sitting, kinda laying in it..and not moving. I knew I should have let him out in the garden but damn it, he was so damn little that I was scared someone like a bird or something else would eat him. He was so cute too. Oddly enough, he was the first "pet" I've had in many a year now. I know that he was only a baby toad, but he was cute, and mine. Luckily though, the person that gave him to me says that he thinks that there are more out in his garden so maybe this time?

Wowsers, hot guys and a baby date and it's only Monday! What the hell is the rest of the week bringing? Well, on Saturday I have my last show in Best Of Broadway and I'm actually kinda excited. It's a pre-broadway revival of A Chorus Line. (yes that dates me) I saw the show once when it came touring through Austin while I was in high school. Everyone and their damn dog knew all the words to "What I Did For Love" that year. Now, many many years later I get to see what I hope will be a good production in a proper theatre. Sort of makes me a bit sad that this is the last one of the season though. I really love going to see live theatre and I usually don't have the time/money to do it. I know that down here where I am there are two or three semi-pro companies but there's something about driving up to San Francisco and seeing a show. Hopefully my "date" will understand when I tell him that I have something of a ritual when I go and see shows now. Dinner, then the show, then a bit of dessert afterwards to sit and discuss the show.

Wow...they're going to be parents. Has it really been 9 months? Have they really been together 6 years?! Where did time go? Where did I go when all of this was happening? I guess it doesn't really matter much. All I know is that soon I'll be able to stare into the eyes of the future.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Weather alert...Friggin HOT!

2006-07-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

Oh me achin head...an no, it's not from the drink. It's the heat out here. Yeah I know, a lot of you guys have it a LOT worse off than we do here in Cali, but when the temp gets above 100 here in my little hamlet... Let's just say that now at 8pm, my studio still feels like a Arabian Sauna! I couldn't do much other than lay down and watch a movie and sweat today. Still, not such a bad thing because hey, probably purged me of whatever ick might have been in me..right?

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. They mean a lot to me. Cause ya know childrens, when you get this OLD (hehe)...well *rolling eyes*. Still, it was a great day yesterday filled with chatting with folks on the phone, getting some prezzies, and dinner at the fam's. Matter of fact, I remember as if it were only yesterday

*a subtle shifting to crossfade the scene*
I had breafast and realized it was going to be hot yesterday. Weather service had said 98 degrees. Hm, I think. Yup. Hot. Before breakfast I showered and when not in the direct sun going to breakfast, it wasn't that hot at all. I come back home. I open the door to my sau...studio and do a little on the puter. I am now covered again in sweat. Second shower of the day and off to D&H's briefly. They are wilted on their couch watching videos.

On returning home, a third shower after trying to get read to head over for the dinner with the fam. And I did the unthinkable whilest driving in my car. I turned on the AC for the first time ever. It worked. I was happy. I arrive for dinner!

Seeing that where my sister lives was hotter than where I live, a decision was made to take the table into their bedroom because it was the coolest spot in the house. So, birthday dinner in a boudoir! Had an absolute blast, laughs, DElicious steak dinner (thank you so much again Chryssa), a missed pone call from Rey, and finally driving back home (still with the AC...I'm starting to think I could become addicted to it) I stop by the shop to pick up a present which was Sherbert. Sherbert and I brave the heat that was my studio and eventually after watching part of the Mahabharata, I drift off into the land of sweat...er...nod.

*crossfade disolve back to present day*
And there ya have it. Now I sit here typing and sweating again. I think another shower before I go to bed is in order. I'm just glad now that I dont pay the water bill here! (this of course includes the shower I gave my garden earlier) At least, if they didn't lie to me again, the weather service says it should start a cooling trend. Today was supposed to be cooler at 92 degrees, supposed to. On looking at the site earlier today, high was supposed to be 104! I have already talked with my friend M.Vent (the wind for those that don't speak French) to see if he could help us out by blowing all this heat somewhere else...like maybe over the damn ocean! At 8pm, the temp is curently 84 according to me Pixie but Nation Weather says it's supposed to dip to a more mellow 72. Let us hope they are correct!

So it struck me that I owe some meme's. One from Brad, and one from Rey from ages ago bout the 5 albums that influenced me life. Well babies, I will get around to them. I usually just sit down and off the top of my ever so clean cranium, I start typing. Perhaps if my computer hasn't melted into a goo of plastic, Sherbert and I will take these tasks to...well, to task. (is redunancy bad?)

Still, Thank you all for the love and well wishes that ya sent me. You are ALL the best! I'll light a candle, pretend it's on a birthday cake (although I had a Mucho Delicioso Peach Cobbler last night) and the wish will be this;

MAKE IT COOLER FOR EVERYONE! (oh and find me a boyfriend hehe)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

It's almost time

2006-07-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

MARK
There Is No Future - There Is No Past

ROGER
Thank God This Moment's Not The Last

MIMI & ROGER
There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss

ALL
No Other Road No Other Way
No Day But Today

WOMEN - MEN
I Can't Control - Will I Lose My Dignity
My Destiny - Will Someone Care
I Trust My Soul - Will I Wake Tomorrow
My Only Goal - From
Is Just To Be - This Nightmare
Without You - There's Only
The Hand Gropes - Now... There's Only
The Ear Hears - Here... Give In To
The Pulse Beats - Love... Or Live In
Life Goes On - Fear... No Other
But I'm Gone - Path... No Other
Cause I Die - Way... No Day
Without You - But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today

ALL
No Day But Today

I have no idea how to upload/post a song here so you can here what this sounds like but it's from RENT, probably my favourite musical. I like the words a lot. No Day But Today! Yeah babies. Ain't it the truth? And more so within the next 7 minutes to me.

By the time someone reads this, just about anyone, it will be my birthday. Yup, it arrived with little to no fanfair which is sort of what I wanted. I did get to have a lovely dinner and visit with my friends the Bs. And yes, I got my first birthday presents. I'll probably take some pictures and post them later. It's pretty late for me now, but the coffee from the shop is working relatively ok at the moment but it's hotter than hades here right now....and it's night!

Got a call from the illustrious Rey tonight as well with well wishes of a Happy Birthday since we're 3 hours apart time wise, it was my birthday there before it was my birthday here. Hm..does that make sense? I think it's getting time to go to bed here hehe.

So ya know what babies, I don't know what the next 40 years have instore for me. Fame? The love of my life? More of the same as it's been for the past 40 years? Who knows. I'm sort of thinking that it's take it as it comes and do with it the best you can. What else can you do?

3 minutes and counting. Silly to say but I'm planning on going to bed soon after midnight my time to dream a little dream. Dream of what I want to happen for me in the years to come, and make it come true. No day but today. Yea :) No day but today babies.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

QUICK UPDATE AT 12:53 on July 23rd

Oh babies...what a day, what a night and what a great birthday! Thank you all so much for the comments. Y'all know how to make a young spring flower like myself just blooooom away hehe.

This is my new pet. His name is Sherbert. Why? Don't remember (no there was no drinking), but it came about when talking with the fam post dinner tonight. He's a wee froggy lad (I think...maybe he's a she!). He is SO damn cute though I had to post these. The first one is the close up, then the perspectice shot so you can see my messy desk and how little this bugger is!

BIG hugs and kisses to you all!

Oh Joy

2006-07-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

What time is it childrens? PICTURE TIME! That's right it's the picture portion of our show here. The news will follow but for now....On with the show!

My co-worker just returned from Italy with a couple of prezzies for me that I wasn't expecting. One I was, the other I wasn't. The first was this tasty treat that tantilizes the tonsils and tongue! Not to be found in America yet, I give you, the Paprika Pringles! (and boy howdy are they good!)

Not to be outdone by some Pringles, she also brought back this flag for me (and one for my lesbian co-worker). Anyone speak Italian? If not, the word on the flag is pronounced Pa-Chay. What does it mean? Peace. My friends know me pretty damn well, and now I have to find a place to fly/display it.

So my garden, for those that follow that I love my flowers, has had some great Gladiolis but they are starting to die off now. You have to catch them at the right time because they only bloom for around a week. There were White ones,
and the last of them is a lovely purple color that will probably last me until the end of next week if I'm lucky. Those were the first and here are my last for the season.

But some of my favourites (yes I spell both Britishly and Phonetically) are my Heliotropes. These little guys smell so amazing that I have actually tracked down a place that I can order essential oil of Heliotrope to try and make some soap with.

And that's my garden and what's currently blooming. There are two rosebuds that I'm watching with baited breath for the time that they open. Now who the hell couldn't love having stuff like this around them? I'd take more pictures but I'm afraid that things are either not blooming at the moment or languishing in the heat lately. Besides, my Blue Bonnets (for all them Texans out there I did find some seeds for them and they are coming up) haven't bloomed yet but damn I'm excited for when they do.

Well now that I have had my excitement for the evening...seeing as I had my door open a rat had decided that he wanted to come in and say hello...ok...mental note to find some way to take care of that problem without harming the mouse/rat/whatever the damn critter was...

Today was D's birthday and I just got back from spending a little time over there with them. It looks like H is going to have the baby pretty dern soon. I know that she's happy about this because she said that she wants to be able to "eat like a normal person again". And sometimes she lovingly says to her stomach "out....out...out.." I can't believe that he'll be here soon. Much happiness!

The hot guy didn't return bearing T-shirt and bare chest unfortunately. And oddly enough, the other hot guy wasn't the one at the Burrito place last night. (although I'd like to sample his Hawian burrito!) And that brings us to tomorrow....D-Day. The last day of my existance. OH weep for me! (lamentations....lamentations....lamentations) That's right, tomorrow is the day before my birthday. This year it was a bit rough on me but I'm starting to feel good about it finally. The world isn't ending (although I have noticed that everyone has started looking younger), and I'm thinking that tonight is the night to repaint my fingernails because I used to paint them black....so tonight if I do it, it's Silver babies.

And I realize I don't often comment on the comments that people leave in my comment ..er...place. hehe But I wanted to and I figured now was as good a time as any right? So,

Jon....YOU are the one that is amazing doing what you do! Making artwork out of what people would normally consider trash is truly wonderous! Thank you for all the kinds words you give me. Ya always make me feel like a million bucks!

Brad...sugar I think that in some ways we are two peas in a pod (well three if ya count Justin in there too). You're way too sweet and I love ya too bubba :)

Jeff Jeff Jeff....all that dreaming of the Mighty Oaks...(I lost your digits cause of a snafu with my email). All ya gotsa do is go outside and look up at the night sky and say "HEY! Knock it off already!" Oddly enough, it somehow tends to help ;)

Six....well of course I love it when the flirt back! hehe...Hm...seems that one of them already flirted back by commenting about people flirting back ;)

Sevensoft...well ya know I gotsa be intregued by the idea of what you tat must look like! And a fellow Texan as well?!? (not to mention a cuty) I'm cursious as a possum how you found my site, but ya better believe that I'll be peakin in on yours from now on. (show us the tat!!!!)

Stuckingfupid...ya know I love writing that actually. What a friggin hoot man! I was over reading your site and I'd love working among all those books....just not Mr. Peacock and perhaps he needs to be sent into the 616.024 section? (at least at our local library) How'd you manage to stumble across this site as well? Always curious. Ya crack me up man.

And that's about it today. In the need to eat and get ready for bed. Tomorrow being Friday, I'm not sure what's instore for me in the evening. I thought about a lot of things from the possibility of looking into my first (and probably only) tattoo to just playing videogames, to calling up friends and saying let's go have dinner tonight cause I can't tomorrow. At any rate, life seems back to normal-ish. So hang in there groove-niks. Life's got a way of bantering us around like we're all in a rollercoaster car, but babies, this ride ain't always that bad.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Maybe it's the weather... hmmmmmm

2006-07-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

Grey skies are gonna clear up....put on a

Sorry....you caught me singing to myself again (and if I knew how to do it I would have posted it). Yup, I sing to myself. I do it in the car singing along with Cds, at home singing along to music here, in the shower, where ever. Singing is an emotional release sometimes. You can sing the blues, the torch songs, sing out righteous anger, or just him a little ditty cause you're feeling pretty ok.

So I don't know if it was cause I threatened to kick the collective asses of any negativity or what, but today was pretty ok all around. I finally feel more like myself and not all moody. It was slower than than grandpa trying to get an erection at work today. I mean DEAD! First time in years I walked out after work wondering if I had actually helped anyone. Wierdsville babies...wierdsville. And the day kept sort of getting better.

I got home to an email that made me realize what a putz I had been lately, and will have a lovely dinner with the fam on Saturday afternoon. Fuck presents, I just want to hang with my family.

Then as I went out to buy D's birthday cake (a little one for about 4 folks but it's gonna rock I tell ya!), I went to the shop to take care of my orders. There he was. Who was he? Hell if I know but there was a gorgeous face attached to an "Itchy and Scratchy" T-shirt underneath it. I asked him where it came from and he said that a friend had sent it to him thinking it was his. He looked at my Java Boy's T-shirt (for those in Florida maybe ya knows the place) and said, "I'd trade ya mine for yours." Well hell's bells kittens, I would have paid good money to just have him take his off right there! (and give me his phone number) But I joked and said that he probably wouldn't want it right now cause where I had been had been hot. He said, "No doubt" with a smile. Then, as I looked out our big windows, I saw him turn and look back inside. Was he looking at me? Who knows but I took that moment nonetheless. Now let's hope that he comes in again.

And the hits kept coming. Going over to pay H the money for the car I'm buying off her, I had a nice little visit with her. I realized I don't get to hang out with just her very often. Usually it's D and H ya know? Well babies...that woman is ready to pop let me tell you. They're going tomorrow to do the check up thing and hopefully we'll know better when she's gonna birthdicate.

So I drop by my local burrito joint and it's packed. I thought, "Aw shit..." but there was a couple of new employees there and one with a great smile and nice sleeve work on his arms. Yup...tats. I love em. Even still considering one on me but I digress. The guy that helps me looks at me and says, "Hey! Now you're in MY shop!" and after I get home I realize that it's the hot hot HOT guy that I lust after every morning! He's usually really quiet, and I always smile cause...well he's a hottie man. Blow my mind completely but he gave me the burrito for free! Talk about what the power of kindness to strangers can do huh? And babies, you better believe he's getting mondospectacular service tomorrow (and free coffee damn it!)!

With all this swirling around my little pea brain, it just goes to show that bad stuff happens, depressions come, but every now and then the Universe kicks it up a notch for ya in a good way. And tomorrow? Who the hell knows, but for now I got a tasty dinner cooling off slightly, good movies to watch, family and friends that I adore and who care about me as well...and even that old devil on Saturday doesn't seem to full of gloom.

Y'all all better belive that there's a ton of love bein sent out to each and every one of you tonight. Hugs are included free of charge. And maybe even a little kiss to go along with em if ya want it. (the cigs are mine though but if you ask nicely I'm sure I'll share...Jetboy heheh)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Thought the fighting was overseas

2006-07-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

WTF?! Did I piss in someone's post toasties lately? I swear if it's not one thing it's another (with all due respect to Gilda who I loved).

It wasn't work today. That went well. Granted, no one was tipping and I had planned on using that money to pay for my laundry but hey...whatever right? I get to the video store all excited to see Final Destination 3 (don't ask but I've seen the other two) and it comes out next week. So I settle on a movie that turned out to be pretty ok albeit pretty odd when you started thinking about it called Subject Two. I was all prepared to just come home, watch the vid and relax...here is where twist begins.

On one side of my studio is an older Chinese couple. They seems to have volume issues. What I mean is that their Tv is usually louder than anyone elses, same for when they are on the phone...and this afternoon? I come home to them fighting. She in full throated voice screaming at her husband who maybe got in a sentence or two, but I'm talking full on screaming..and in Chinese no less so I have no idea what the fuck is going on. This goes on for probably thirty minutes before the white trash neighbor at the end of my little complex (who can be heard yelling at his girlfriend/wife/whatever in language from both that would make a sailor blush) yell at them to quiet down. WHAT?! Like this guy has any room to say shit what with what I hear from them! Finally, after what seemed twenty more minutes of screaming and yelling in Chinese as I try and watch my movie...it's suddenly quiet. Definately not what I needed this afternoon let me tell you.

If I knew that I could easily learn Chinese (although from what I know it is actually a pretty complex language that also deals with inflections to change the meaning of words), I would learn it just to know what the hell they're always yelling about. I have nothing against them other than why the hell can't I have peace and quiet? The more I am here at "home" the more I have started wanting to be living somewhere else. The neighbor on the otherside is the one that tried to open my studio thinking it was his place when he was drunk a few weeks back. I mean when I moved in here it was quiet and nice and peaceful. Swear if I had the money I'd seriously consider moving although I like the ability to garden here.

I know that this week isn't trying to kill me or make me go insane, but it's been off to a really rough start and I'm hereby telling it to stop forthwith or I'm going to kick it in the balls.

And how were your days?

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Just not feeling it lately

2006-07-16T20:59:00.000-07:00

I had a post on Friday, but I took it down. Another reminder that blogging when your tired is quite possibly a bad idea. Although, I liked the concept of what I had posted which was a selection of pictures that I had hoped would create a storyline. Not sure if it would actually float, and then I thought it was stupid to Saturday morning I took it down. Maybe I'll try it again later, I don't know.

I'll admit that I have been in a funk lately. The past work week what with painting, the Tony Monaco concert on Thursday night, a coworker that was over and hour late on Thursday morning, ... well there ya go. Not to mention I just want to get past this damn birthday thing and have it over and done with. Bloody hell, people have them every friggin day ya know? I just don't want this one for some reason. Maybe it's the whole age thing. Maybe it's that I keep thinking back to ten years ago when my dad was diing and what a horrible day that was for me. I don't know. The past does seem to slip in to my head a lot lately though and that's rather disconcerting for me. While I should be thinking about the future, all I can see is what's gone from me.

Part of me just wants to run away, hide in the woods somewhere, forget that society exists ya know? D & H are talking about moving away sometime after they have the baby. They said it was more like a little dream at the moment but I honestly don't know what I would do if they were gone. I may not see them that often, and probably once the baby is here it's gonna be harder for them to go out, but at least they're still here. And ya know what? At this point censoring myself be damned because D is the only man that I have felt like I truly fell in love with. It took me a long time to deal with that, but I love him very deeply and it would wreck me to see them move away. While I do love H as well, and she's be an amazing friend, I think that she always knew/knows that I will forever love D with all my heart. I don't give a shit if he's straight, and now soon to be a father. It's not his body I want. (Although I wouldn't mind) It's just the fact that, for whatever reasonings, he's been the only guy for me. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like a boyfriend, but they'd have to realize what I feel for D and not be threatened by it.

As as to me having that birthday thing? Well, who cares. I know that one of my friends that reads this is going to ream me possibly. I told her to cancel a party that she was going to throw for me. Why? Honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I just don't know if I'm in the mood to be around a lot of people that I used to know from my theatre days. They are nice folks, don't get me wrong. I've just been out of touch with most of them for so long that it just has started feeling wierd and making me feel really old. I just don't think that right now I could deal with that. Sweet as the sentiment is, I don't need a lot of people showing up that I used to know who I don't even know if I'll connect with anymore. Not sure if anyone else has had that sort of problem, but there you go. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm going to be writing this week. It's like having a fucking operation and I just want it over and done with, but like anything, I have to wait.

There has been some good in all this blackness that seems to hang over my head lately. Ikea had my shelving units in stock. May not sound like much but it's already helped me out a lot in terms of space here in the studio. Now it's all about shuffling things around and re-organising and hopefully coming up with more space. My little brother Ryan had his birthday. Hope it was a good one. I'm pretty sure it must have been though knowing where he was and who he was with. And the nicest surprise was held in reserve for a low point just like this. My buddy Jim is back to writing. That one little thing made my night, knowing that now I can at least see how he's doing regularly. He's an amazing guy that rocks my world. I'm just glad to see my buddy back now. Made me smile.

Maybe I do just need to go and wander around in the woods for a while. Get away from all this concrete and consumerism. I've been thinking about that a lot, the going for a hike somewhere that has actually nature. Just spending a little time out there with no one around but me and trees and my Goddess and God. Hell, I may even take a sketch book with me although I draw for shit. Just something ya know? Some way to reconnect with the Universe instead of feeling so isolated from it. We'll see. Now though, it's time to woof down dinner and get ready for bed so the work can start again...

And the world just keeps on turning.

Weeeeeeenesssssday AaaaafterNooooon

2006-07-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm currently thinking of calling off the rest of the month and just jumping into August. Now, I'm not sure if I can actually do this, but damn y'all....lately I can't sleep well, I'm having wierd dreams again...and I could just get the hell through the rest of July in one fell swoop and breath easier.

In reading folks blogs lately, there's a lot of .. well I don't know what to call it other than it seems like there is some bad juju just generally floating around. Maybe it's these "lazy" (yeah right) days of summer? I don't know. I'm feelin all shagged out lately but I know after this week things will ease up a bit. Maybe then I can finally get around to doing those rituals I planned on. Hey, sending out good vibes and trying to work magik when you're tired just doesn't cut the mustard let me tell you! In short, I wish that my arms were big enough to wrap around the world lately and just squeeze everyone a little bit, myself included.

The birth of the little peanut (as I heard him referred to by D&H at some point) is getting closer. They're basically on baby watch hehe. It's amazing to me to think that in this short amount of time I have known them I have seen them both grow exponetially. I know that they're going to be amazing parents, and I get to dote and be an Uncle of sorts. Pretty exciting to me but I also know that I'll be seeing less of them for a while. Hell, I only live a few blocks away so you better believe that I'll be calling them to see if I can drop by and play with the little bugger.

So what's new in my life? Well...plans, and schemes, and dreams, but little of them getting accomplished yet. I'm just biding my time to get to a bit of time off. (there are a lot of folks that are taking time off the end of this month at work) I have this dream of taking say three days off and on the second day of not knowing what to do with myself, actually doing some writing I have put off. I tend to write in spurts, usually when my brain will allow, so it's slow going. And there is the wreck that is my studio that still needs a massive re-organization. Actually Spence asked why I don't do it on the weekends. Well hell's bells man! During the week I am at the shop usually twice a day and then find myself with a little free time at night. Weekends therefore become time for just chillin out.

Oh but I ramble. And I should know better than to try and blog after I get off work because I'm tired and I'm sure it's going to come out all goofy but...hey, that's my life to some degree. Now if I could just get a handle on this time issue and work it better. The calls I plan to make I suddenly find myself looking at a clock and realizing that it's waaaay too late to call folks. I guess I just need to get off my ass and push myself again, or more, or something hehe.

Ah hell...this afternoon though? I ain't going to push much of anything other than the play button on my dvd remote because ya know what? This little baby is tuckered. So....

Hm. Where did I put that copy of Latter Days? :)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oo ack

2006-07-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

So here I am sitting around thinking to myself, "where did the weekend go?" Another one lost to the realms of unkown. I swear I look forward to them and then I do little if nothing with them. Wierd huh? I could have used it to clean up here, or drive over to the ocean, or just ride my bike around but no...it just seemed to vanish.

I just got finished downloading some more Cat Stevens because I foolishly started watching Harold and Maude last night/this morning in hopes of drifting off but I got sucked into the movie. Every now and then I forget what a great singer/songwriter Cast Stevens is. Like I said, it's a lot to do with lyrics for me. Check out the lyrics to Don't Be Shy. It's the song that opens Harold and Maude. hell the whole soundtrack is brilliant. And there's something in his voice as well. It sounds desparate sometimes, longing, and then you hit something like If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out and this wierd sense of peace just washes over you. I miss me some Cat Stevens.

I am so not looking forward to the work week. I know that no one really does but, the moment it's here and I can't do anything about it, I know I'll be fine again. Then again, if I took a week off I doubt I would use it productively. Guess I'm just stuck in a rut again. Probably something to do with one co-worker going to Italy and one getting ready for her wedding. Yup....some folks at the cafe get to get away from there. I just feel so bloody stuck sometimes because I have no clue what I would do for a job if I went looking for one. Feel like all I was ever trained for really was theatre and that doesn't really pay the bills. Sure I could go back to building sets and try to get back into acting, but what about eating and having rent on time? Just don't know.

Ack....one week from this Saturday and I'm not ready for that either. Part of me wants to just go butt ass crazy and drive up to the city and get hammered...but that's not really me. Not to mention the idea of driving afterwards. When did I get so dull and boring? Where did my sense of adventure go? Hell, I used to go all over the North Bay area to raves only 6 years ago damnit! Scary to think about but have I "grown up"? Did I somehow become an "adult" without realizing it? I so desparately don't want to be like my parents. I watched my father do nothing but go to work and watch Tv. But, it's safe here in the studio, and comfortable and I can take off my pants if I want and run around in boxers. Maybe it's all the not playing videogames lately hehe. I just don't feel like the age I'm about to turn in basically two weeks. Le sigh.

Alright I've depressed everyone enough. I'm going to see if I can kick some asses in Kingdom Hearts. Hell, I may just pull out Midnight Club and race around the city like a maniac. I tell ya, videogames are definately therapudic at times. Think I just need to get over myself and do something...anything. Feh. Maybe I'll just go to bed.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be loved.

S -A- T- U- R -DAY Night!

2006-07-09T00:47:00.000-07:00

Ah me. I think I have found a new addiction. Yes, I have found podcasts. Now I really wish I had an Ipod and I know not to expect one on my birthday but a guy can dream can't he? At any rate, yes, podcasts. Some of the guys I had met over the Pride weekend (and why do I feel I need to capitalize Pride? Hmm) have them there podcast which equates (to me) to having your own mini-radio show. Now, I have to either burn them to disc so I can listen to them easier or sit here with the computer speakers blaring. I would actually choose to listen to them...on an Ipod hehe.

Have to say, that while listening to four different people's shows, it's amazing how varied a show can be. It's almost like listening to a good public radio station ya know? And yes...I'm slightly jealous because I miss theatre and being creative. Sort of something fun (although I know it has to be a fair amount of work) to put out there. Some way to put out music I'm listening to, come up with characters that I had long since forgotten. Just have some creative fun more than sitting around trying desparately to write up Captain Lavender.

Captain Lavender is a "superhero" that has been in my head now for around 2-3 months? He came about from a chat over dinner with D when we went up to see the Martin Short show. And from there, it's just blossomed the more I work on it. Problem is getting it all out of my head and on to paper. That really is the hard part actually. It took me until July 4, while driving, to realize his origins. And believe me, he may have a really ubergay name, but in my head he is tooth and nail tough. I'm sure that eventually I'll get around to blogging more about him/it.

The weekend is coming to an end (yes I know I still have tomorrow Sunday but I'm already thinking about this coming week), and I realized again that I haven't really done much. It's like the weekends come and Saturday is just a flash, a blink of my eye and it's say 11pm and I'm thinking "Where'd it go?". Did some minor work in the garden that needs more work though. I'm happy to report that my Texas Blue Bonnets have popped up and have been replanted to larger pots. That and my Chinese Lanters got replanted as well. I can't wait for them to both bloom. Currently the only blooming thing in the garden are my gladioli and heliotrope and snap dragons. I need more color damnit! hehe

So it appears that within a few weeks D and H are possibly going to have the baby boy! Exciting exciting to me. Surrogate uncle Shadowmichael. Sigh. I'm actually scared because ya know, I've never been around a new born before. Scared that I'll have smoked a cig and not washed my hands, scared that I would go to hold him and somehow break the baby...just wierd to me. But still, sooner than possibly expected. Actually maybe just in time for me to turn...oh dear...le birthday. Welp to tell the truth, it's sneaking up on me and I tend to forget that because there's a lot going on this month don'tcha know.

So that's about the excitement here. In other words, not much (other than the damn comic book store taking more of my money but I can't complain). Now if the Blue Jays would just pick up the pace and start winning again, the world would look even better. I want those boys to make it this year to the world series or even get the Wild Card position. I know there's still time so all you Blue Jays fans (*crickets chirpping*), send them good vibes!

I think I'm going to pop in my new cd of All India Radio and drift off to sleep.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Fit and ya know it

2006-07-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Oh dear god babies...I went to hell today (Costco) and it was an eye opener in one sense. Now, some of ya know that I had been doing the South Beach diet thing right? I wanted to shed a few pounds, and after reading the book (it's written by a cardiologist) it made sense as a healthier diet. Well I did the "Phase One" and it did seem to help. Course now I'm all about getting off me ass and doing crunches and exorcising more but I digress...Costco...and fatness.

If you haven't been to one of these places before, it's essentially a warehouse of food. Up and down the aisle there are people standing there with samples of this, pieces of that, you get the idea. It's actually an annoying and depressing place for me to go to because I see all these senior citizens who have maybe six bottles of booze in their cart, and maybe some crackers. I mean really...unless you are entertaining a lot, how much Rum/Whiskey/Vodka/etc do you need? I digress again. So you wander up and down the aisles because they love to move things around on you (just after you've figured out where they're now stocking the tuna fish!), and you're assailed by the walking dead. These people push their carts to the right of them while they are looking over at something to their left! Or, they leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so they can wander over but a bit of that sample of carrot flavoured apple juice. (yes I exaggerated that) Then there are the kids that are constantly getting in your way. I swear I had an easier time trying to get to a bathroom in Disneyland!

So today, my normal day to go for the shop, I had a light load in my cart (god does that sound dirty to anyone but me? I must have a filthy mind today), and wandered to get in the snaking line for the one checker I always go to. I love this lady. She always smiles and we chat and she calls me Mija. Love HER! So around 3 people in front of me was this guy that made me feel so UNfat it's not funny. He was probably as tall as me (6'4ish), but here was where things went wonky. It wasn't that he had a gut. No no no. From his neck down to his belly, it was just a slope. I'm thinkin maybe something like 25-30 Degree slope here, and he definitely had a largish lower section as well.

Now, the only reason I bring this up is that we are all somehow taught that the perfect shape is the Greek Adonis with flat stomach and rippling abs and (in my mind) a taut physique. (Nothing against big muscley types but babies, you get too big in the muscle department you've lost my interest) Oh we're supposed to be tan and brilliant eyed. Our hair should flow flow flow and shine. A picture of perfection.....yeah, right. Fact is that I felt skinny when I looked at this guy and realized that I'm not that out of shape. I could still lose a few pounds, but it's more an exorcise thing I think. But how is it that I see so damn many "large" people here in California? Hell, even in Texas I don't remember seeing this many folks of this size if ya know what I mean. And I start to wonder, if they don't care about it, why should I?

There is nothing wrong with being a "large" person. Nothing wrong with being overweight (not to my mind), but when you see folks that you know could do something about it and don't seem to care, I mean it really makes you wonder. Now I'm gonna do something here that may rile a few folks a bit but here goes anyways and I'm saying this cause I honestly believe it's true.

Kalvin, don't you dare think that you're a "large" person. This man is cute and cuddly. (I know we kinda talked at the party about me being on SB, but baby, you're fine just the way you are!) And I heard that Jetboy's doc told him to lose weight? From friggin where?! And this goes for you too Rey, and all the rest of the folks I met on Pride weekend (not to mention those folks I chat with via blogs).

Of all the people I know, I honestly can't think of anyone that needs to lose weight. We may want to (and believe me I could be in better shape)...but after what I saw today, I think we're all pretty much AOK. Sure, I like the skinny gothy pale boys. I like a guy that's in shape and tone. But ya know what? IF you are thinking about losing some poundage, make sure you're doing it for you. Only reason I started to try and lose weight was because I wasn't happy with how I saw myself. Now this guy at Costco? Well, he may have been what some folks would say was "fat", but ya know, if he's happy...I guess that's all there is to it. Truth is, he was also buying baby diapers and had a ring on his hand so guess what...regardless of his "bulk", someone loves him a lot. So, just think on that one for a while. Funny how life can kick reality into your brain at times isn't it?

Now where the hell did I put them Pringles?!

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oh heavens..I have a day off tomorrow!

2006-07-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

Well I know that tomorrow is the 4th of July and all, but ya know, for some reason I just ain't feelin it. Granted, I have had some really great folks make offers for barbques, hangin out, lunches and even a pancake breakfast! Still, I have it in my thick cranium that I have to work tomorrow. While I have the day off, if I sleep in tomorrow, I think I'll be sunk on the old "sleep schedule" bit, so, probably just a movie for me tonight and then waking up a weeeee bit later than normal tomorrow. And don't ya just think that picture screams out All American! I'd be screaming for other reasons if I saw that but hey..I can queen out like the next guy.

I'm finding myself stuck on certain songs lately and then I realized why. I'm lyrically based. If a song is catchy, great, I may even dig it without know what they're saying. If I find a song that most people think is crap, but it's lyrics hit me hard in some way...it's a great song. I think it's kinda odd because a lot of people around me are more musically based. If it has a good beat, or interesting chord changes, what have you...they're into it. Well, right now I'm stuck on Travelin' Thru by Dolly Parton. Weird because I'm not really a country kinda guy for the most part, but then again my taste seems to change with the drop of an eyelash in the breeze ya know?

I've been thinking about Pride again, and of course the 4th. I know that I should be feeling some sort of patriotism tomorrow. I should be really be thinking about all the men and women in the armed services actually. While I do love this country, I'm worried by it as well. I was saying to someone in a comment on their site that I feel like I had patriotism shoved down my throat as a kid. National Anthem, Pledge of Allegiance, all of that ya know? Well it kinda sticks in my throat now days. I guess I'm worried about where this country is going and how long is it going to take for us to get back to worrying about things at home? And how exactly are we seen by other countries now, I mean we Americans? I'm still hoping and chatting it up with my Goddess that somehow we can get it together ya know?

Ah...enough politics. On to bigger things like my Toronto Blue Jays! Yup, I'm a baseball fan. I love watching the game but I play it for shit. I can't catch well, I don't bat well, and while I don't throw like a girl I definitely don't aim well (whilst throwing thank you...oish...dirty people). I just really want to see them get into the series again. We're doing well this year too although we lost to my home state of Texas tonight (BOO!). Now my buddy and little bro Ryan talks about Nascar on his site and says that he thinks no one really cares about it...so I thought in a weird way I'd talk about my sport and team. No...I don't like the Oakland A's and we're above them percentage wise so I'm pretty happy. But I tell ya, if the Jays get into the series this year expect to hear more about them from me cause I'll be on cloud 9!

So the baby shower was a bit of a let down. While there were babies there (not my friend's obviously), we didn't get to shower them. I was hoping maybe for a lot of sudsy water and maybe some finishing wax afterwards. Nope...just a nice gather of friends and a few family members giving prezzies to D & H. Mine unfortunately can't happen until the kid is born. I had planned on opening an account (hopefully something high yield) for them that would mature when their son is 18. Hell...if I ever had a kid, I'd be freaking about what kinda money I'd need when he got out of high school. And, let's face it, how many baby clothes do ya really need huh? So, there ya go. No pictures but it wasn't that kind of party. (no babies were made during the entire duration of the party, nor were any eaten, beaten, or hurt in the making of the festivities.)

I realized that I need to do a major look at my blogroll cause I'm sure I am still missing folks that I thought were on there. And for Darin at All Prep...I'm fixing the link tonight. Sorry bout that buddy. And I'm really thinking about changing this place a bit again. Not sure what I want to do with it but hey...it's like redecorating the apartment ya know? Takes a bit of pondering.

So....I do hope that everyone out there has a great Fourth tomorrow. That includes me Canadian friends out there (Jeff you wicked man you, and Kelly my smokin' buddy). Everyone eat up and rest up and relax and have fun. Just don't forget that there's a bunch of men and women out there doing a job that I'm sure none of us really want. (even if they won't let gays and lesbian serve openly)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Weekend Update

2006-07-02T00:09:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update for hittin' the sack tonight because ya know, there are times you wish you had a camera with you (and weren't driving so you could take the picture). I drove up to SF on highway 280 which is a bit more rural to some degree. Always like it better than our highway 101 which is more like driving to through industrial-ish ya know? So I should have known it would be a cool trip when I saw a doe eating some dried grass by the side of the road. Just hangin out pretty as you please, not seeming to be scared by all the cars on the freeway. It was just really nice and I would have loved to pulled over but..wrong lane to get over in time, and no camera.

The trip up was nice and it was just a little time spent on the Castro (only buying one book at Different Light Bookstore). I actually found parking, which is a miracle to some degree, and popped in my quarters for an hour on the meter. So I wandered down to this little shop I had looked into when they were closed. What was it? Well there on Castro in gay central is now a Comic Book shop! Yeah baby! He's been open maybe 3 months but I'm glad to say that I saw a fair number of folks wandering in and poking around. I just think it's cool that I'm not the only gay man that likes to read comics. And, while I was there, this flyer caught my eye. Already been to their website. More coolness from the comic realm!

Go check em out. They have a FAQ section that sort of explains what they're doing. Personally I can't wait to see the first issue whether online, or in a shop. More money to spend (ka-ching ka-ching), but whether or not you think comics are "worth it"...I'm gonna read it. Pridecomics.

And then back homeward I wandered. Well, I did browse a few other shops but it seems that the Castro has changed a lot since I moved out here low these 20 years ago-ish. Kinda sad that most of what I saw were basicaly porn stores to some degree. There's still the cool funky artsty kind of stores there but it just seemed that everywhere I turned, you could buy porn either in print, or in some form of media. One shop even had old Super 8 movies...that's right...real film! Ah well....didn't stop me from buying a me new mystery and a cute rainbow bear at Different Light. And yes, it felt nice to feel "at home". Sometimes, ya just need to be a little bit gay :)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

More to come

2006-07-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

One more look at the gorgeous photo from Kelly Stern. I know that Pride is over but I really like the image. Go by and thank him ok?

Watch this space. Why? I don't know..just figured I'd say that since I started writing up my experience of the Pride weekend and hope to have it up sometime soon.

It's Saturday and I'm heading back up to the city for a short trip to the Castro. I've spent all week with straight folks and I am feelin a little need for some gayness in my life again. So, it's off to look at one shop that had a cool Wonder Woman Tshirt and probably back home. Well...that is if I get past the evil bookstore of Doom! That's right....Different Light Books. Pray for my credit card.;)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oh Janis

2006-06-29T18:48:00.000-07:00

Photo by Kelly Stern
Well crap. Now I'm the one that's got dem ol' Kosmic Blues again mamma. Maybe it's just being tired. Maybe it's a wierd situation with the fam that I can't explain to myself. Maybe I just need to get the hell out of my studio more and do things. Who knows, who cares, why bother :)

Guess it isn't really all that bad but I have to tell you work is just a great big bitch this week. Waking up so late on Monday didn't help, and now it's almost Friday and I'm off to see Superman tomorrow night with D & H and then there's a baby shower this weekend as well. Yes, yes, I know...babyshow and men don't mix but hey, I was invited and I said I'd make an appearance for a little while. Just seems that this week is so frightfully dull. (did I mention I become very British at times?) But, there is also the prospect of spending some quality time with my beloved PS2. But even that sounds rather boring to some degree.

I can't believe it's almost July and I haven't figured out what's going to happen on the 4th. I suppose I should call my mum, but I don't want to. Everytime I call I get the guilt trip action times 20. She's good at it and will probably say something akin to "Well when you don't hear from someone like I haven't heard from you" and I'll wind up feeling like shit and then realize after the call why I don't call her. Am I the only one that doesn't get along with his own blood relations? Shit. How did I go from 4th of July to whiny? Good lord I think I need to eat the Quizno's I just picked up.

I did, however, see that a second of my gladioli is going to bloom soon. It's going to be purple which is one of my fav colors. Yeah, me and Miss Shug Avery hehe. It's the little things though. Wandering in after work and realizing that there could be a major splay of color waiting for me. Ya just gotta love flowers to some degree. These were the first ones to come into bloom for me.

And I don't think I have posted a more dull, dry, and boring post in a while. Maybe this weekend I'll get around to writing up my exploits during the Pride weekend and post parts of them. I have a feeling it's going to have to be a multi-post because there's a lot in my head which equates to a lot of writing.

So, I think I may change things up a bit here. Little different color scheme. Try and get my blogroll under control and to my likings. Hell, I may even put up a new picture of moi. One never knows, do one?

Twenty-three days and counting. And i hope that this one is better than I expect it to be.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Le sigh....yup...it's normal life again

2006-06-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

Photo by Kelly Stern

Well babies...here we are again. I think I'm going to save talking much about the past weekend until I get it all written down. There was a lot of fun had by me though and it was my very first Pride parade so ... pretty dern excitin.

So it's really back to the daily grind lately for me. Fearing what my phone bill may look like, trying to remind myself that I have a babyshower this weekend to go to, and suddenly realizing that it's almost July! Now I have a love/hate relationship with July because yeah...I'm a Cancer/Leo cusp and if you know astrology you know what month I was born in. Course, there is also the 4th coming up on Tuesday. Then me buddy's birthday a couple of days before mine...and blah blah blah.

Last night was rather...well it was a big phone night apparently. Talke with my buddy JS out here, then talked to Rey, then my friend S called and the next thing I knew it was 9:30 and I'm thinking to myself, "Wasn't I going to just watch a movie and have a quiet night?". Then it hit me that I needed to eat. So, yup...sandwich at 9:30 and probably asleep by 10:30. Maybe I'm getting old. Yeah, right. I don't think so.

I've noticed I really need to do something about my blogroll because I've added a lot of folks that I read now and I feel bad I don't have them on there. Unfortunately for me, it takes a while since I'm a simpleton when it comes to some of these things. I swear I'm going to learn some HTML one of these days...but not before I learn more about spiders. I have a pleathora of them out in the garden these days. Fine by me, they eat the bugs. Problem is that on the odd occaission they decide to come in and visit me. Now, I have told them time and again that they can do what ever they want OUTSIDE. I generally chase them around in here and trap them and then release them outside again where they freak and run away. So I started thinking it would be interesting to just get to know spiders a bit better....not up close mind ya but via books and the net.

Course, now that I'm getting more into anime I'm thinking that it might be a pretty good idea to learn some Japanese. I think it would be a hoot to read the manga in the original language. Course it would help to be able to watch anime in the original language as well. Swear I would be a linguist if I could stand to study more. It's actually really hard to sit down and just learn a language by yourself ya know? Hell, I have my book and cds on learning Irish Gaelic and have I started workin it? Nope.

Ah me. Well everyone is posting thier pictures from Pride and I'm lovin it. I'm still thinking about just linking to my Flicker account. Don't know yet. That's what the weekend is for ya know? And for me to quit babbling. And to say that I send ya all big ol' hugs..... and Elvira (I love you Cassandra Peterson!!)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

p.s. Ya ever notice how your blog is always a work in progress? Le sigh

Back to normal...whatever that is

2006-06-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

Photo by Kelly Stern

I'm tired and my feet hurt and ya know what? I hate my life. Not in the sense of everything is wrong and life is shit but in the sense that I'm missing the guys I met this weekend.

I've lived in California now for around 20 years and never once had I been in a gay bar, partied on the Castro, or been to a Pride parade. The weekend was a blur of activity for me and for a person that sits at home a lot...it was magic. I had a really hard time leaving Rey and Darryl last night after watching the end of a lesbian hip-hop group at the after parade street fair. I couldn't believe that I wasn't going to have them call me up and ask where I was. I couldn't believe that these two amazing guys weren't going to be in California.

I walked to my car and started to pull out on the highway when it all hit me really hard. I for once started to cry. All the warmth that I had felt from everyone seemed to be gone all of the sudden and I found myself alone listening to Nick Kershaw singing "Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, even if it was for just one day?". Then it really hit home. For three days I wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. It was alright to be myself and be gay. I knew that I honestly was not alone in the world. How do you step back into your old life when that has happened to you? I cried as I drove and thought of the PFLAG group and what it actually meant. Love. I cried as I thought about how people cheered joyously for the drag queens and what that meant. Love. And I cried because it all seemed that I had to go back and be what other people expect me to be, and know that I was the "token" gay guy in a sense at work this morning. I can't begin to tell you how much just this little time had meant to me.

I'm a very quiet person I've come to realize. I don't do well in social settings where I don't know people well. I don't drink, or rather, rarely and if I have to drive I pretty much just don't. Tends to make me feel a bit boring to some degree, but given the chance, I would throw myself into the frey (which makes my blog seem much more appropriate to me now) and just say "fuck it". Unfortunately, I've become the kind of person that seems to think in terms of "be safe, be careful, don't do this, don't do that". And I suppose knowing my own body and how it reacts to things...well, I just know my own limitations. Still, I honestly wish that I could have opened up a bit more and had been able to push that comfort zone to the limits. Guess that's what come of living alone for 3 years eh? hehe.

So, today I read the blog updates, realized that I honestly loved these guys I had met this weekend, and hoped beyond hope that maybe I can push out of my shell. I miss the Darrens. Two sweet guys and I should have gone off with Darren #2 when he asked me to wander with him yesterday. (not like that damnit..sheesh...dirty minded gits) And I would have liked to have had a chance to really talk to Atari for a while. Jeff, and Doug, and Kelly from Canada were amzing guys that kept me smiling and just had this great energy the couple of times I saw them. And finding myself suddenly talking to Dan and Adam from Texas? Felt like a little piece of home actually. All these amazing guys that came out here for Pride.

It feels like something has ended, but, I know that it's actually just begun in a wierd way. The guys that live here, up in the city (SF) were just as amazing and warm as I had heard. And maybe it's spurring me on now that I have driven up there 4 times in the past 3 days to just get the hell out of this little boring place I live and actually start living. Seems that I forget to do that and just work and go home and then work and on the weekend maybe go see a movie. I know that I'd like nothing better than just to sit around and jaw it a while with Jr and Kalvin, give Kelly another giant hug because he really is quite huggable, talk to Chad about his ghost, and get to know Dan when I'm not zoned out completely. Hopefully this is going to happen. Whether or not you guys read my post, I just want to say thank you.

So pride? Ya, there's going to be another long post about it. It has an entirely new meaning to me actually. And for once, I do feel a sense of pride and a sense of community. So if there is anyone out there that thinks they are all alone in being gay. Anyone that feels like they are the only one and that they don't fit because of whatever reason...you're wrong. And any time you're feeling lost and alone because of it, you just come over here to my place and I'll make sure that while we sit around having a cupper together, you leave with a great big hug.

Peace

Pride weekend is over?

2006-06-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

Y'all, I don't think I have ever been more tired in my life hehe. But it was and is the best kind of tired. I have spent the last couple of days with some of the most amazing guys having way too much fun. Now, they may not have known I was having all that fun but I was, and I plan on telling all! (weellll...maybe not all but I definately will dish it out in a later entry) Just enough to say that Pride really rocked for me.

Now the picture at the top is from Kelly Stern and y'all go over there and show that man some love because this picture has graced my site for almost a month now. Kelly, if you're reading this, I really thank you and appreciate your challenge. Major kudos to you!

I have a lot of pictures from this weekend and mostly from today's SF Pride and I promise I'll put them all out for folks to see but these are the ones that really grab me hard. See if you can dig these from our Pride Parade up here in SF, and then I'm going to bed cause I got to get this sorry little white ass up tomorrow for work.

I just really liked this float. Gospelly folk on there and I dig the messag eh? Even if I ain't a Christian...ya gotta love it!

That, and the PFLAG group really got me. I felt that lump in the throat working up ya know? All I can say is, amen to the sentiment.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Happy Pride everyone.

It's Pride weekend babies!

2006-06-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

It's Pride weekend up here for me babies so I may not be talking much until after Sunday. I do want to wish everyone a great big HAPPY GAY PRIDE DAY! I'm off to try and have fun and stay out of serious trouble hehe.

Much love to you all and I'll be snappin pictures left and right I'm sure so yes, there will be those to come. (eye candy and what not heh)

Thanks to Kelly Stern for the image that has graced my site for the past month. I personally find it rather inspirational to tell the truth. So thank you again Kelly soo much!

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD! Be loved!!

What?...oh whatever

2006-06-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

Photo by Kelly Stern

And it just keeps getting surreal. I mean really y'all...my life is getting too damn wierd at times. There's drama at work, and I'm afraid that I'm slowly turning into a real bitch there. Yeah, yours truly has a slow and long fuse but it's getting used up little by little. Course, what do you want from someone that would probably be described as a workaholic?

Hadn't intended to write about this but I gotta get something off my chest here. See, at work, I do a lot of the orders (most of them), and go out to buy things for the shop, and help customers, and try and listen to the staff when they need something. Then I get to go home right? Well sort of. I hate, absolutely HATE, leaving orders or lists for shopping for the following day. So, I go back in the evenings and work up my lists, get the shopping lists ready, the orders ready and lately a lot of time on the weekend I just go down there and hang out. People think I'm seriously nuts but I say, if it saves me time the next day when a vendor calls...it's worth it. But, I'm there too much. I can't seem to be away from work and not worry about the place. I'm scared that if I go away for more than two days it's going to fall apart, or orders won't get done (or done properly) and little things will fall through the cracks that I am supposed to be in charge of. What's worse is I don't even know if that's the way it's supposed to be. And things do fall through the cracks because I'm getting really tired of it all....but it pays for me to be in a place to live, to eat, to occaissionally do something exciting, etc. And I still want more...well more money, paid vacations, sick time...but it's a friggin coffee shop and I guess I shouldn't complain because over all I have it pretty damn good.

K left today. His time in my city is done. He was only working contract and tonight instead of seeing him off like I thought I would, I wound up hanging out with my friends at their house. I know that things wouldn't have ever worked between us, but I did like the guy and I hope that he'll at least call from time to time. It was a fun rollercoaster ride while it lasted I suppose. Maybe the next time it will be an honest to god relationship thing instead of a one sided affair on my part.

And, I'm woundering and pondering and thinking about moving. It's not that I hate where I live, but my neighbor really freaked me out today. Freaked me out enough to make me consider moving (and how the hell am I going to find a place for all my plants if I do?!). I don't really know what his problem is anymore, but he's starting to scare me a little. I don't know if he was drunk or what, but I woke up to hearing someone in my patio (and these are small places) trying to get in my studio. I mean the guy kept putting the key in the door and trying it. Now maybe he was so gone that he thought he was in his place, but my patio looks nothing like his so it's kinda hard to make that mistake. I didn't say a word and pretended I was still napping but damn y'all...that really freaked my shit out! I'm considering asking my landlord if I can change the locks on my door at this point but all this may just be me being paranoid and a bit tired and needing more food and sleep lately. I don't know.

And I know I may be hit by someone for saying this but I'm scared slightly that I'm losing the fam out here. I know that everyone has scheduals that conflict. I know I'm a pain in the ass to get out of my studio. I also know that I haven't heard from any of them lately and..well...maybe it's all just bad communication lately. I don't know but there is a gut instinct that says something is way up and I'm not privy to it. The worst of it is that I was really looking forward to going to Disneyland with my brother and sis in October. Can't imagine anything worse than doing Disneyland all alone so...I don't know.

God I'm a whiny whiny fag tonight. It's Pride weekend and Rey is going to be in town, along with a lot of other bloggers that I will probably meet this weekend. I'm hoping that I'll be able to escape all the wierdness that seems to be around me lately and just have some fun. Lord knows, right now I feel like I could use it. That, or a sweet guy to fall in love with me, or just a guy that wanted to cuddle. :) Hopeless I tell ya...I'm a hopeless romantic still.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oh he's babbling again....

2006-06-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

Picture by Kelly Stern

Now y'all know me (and no I'm not down with the OPP thank you very much), and I don't post a lot of pictures here but I'm thinking that maybe I should set up a different blog for Pride this year. That's right, I'm a camera hound at times. It's not just the pretty eye candy boys, but it's the Drag Queens as well. I secretly think that just about everyone (and this includes my mom for cryin out loud) loves a good Drag Queen...or a bad one....or one that is tacky. And yet, sometimes I think that the gay community doesn't really accept them completely.

Are Drag Queens a stereotype? Well maybe. But honestly, you have to love them for that fearlessness to go out there and just do it. I wish I had more of that in me. Course at 6'4" I'm gonna be a really frightening woman I would think. Can you imagine me in friggin heels for god's sake? I'd feel like I was walking on stilts above the crowds! But enough of that....I plan on taking a lot of pictures of the Drag Queens :)

Me diet has been rough on me lately. I did break down and have...*gasp* pasta! (and potatos and toast damnit) But I have no more time to "slim down" so what folks see pride weekend is what they get and I'm still planning on working on the bod before going to Yaoi-con.

This post seems really dull and boring to me, but ya know, that seems to be the way my life runs lately. I'm really hoping that this weekend reinvigorates me a bit. I'm usually to be found on the weekend here at home either playing games, or dorking around on the computer. Why? I have no clue other than I really like experiencing things with other people. Like going to a museum where you run up to your friend and say "Oh my god you have to see this!" Or being able to talk about a play after the show over coffee. Mmmm...companionship. Something I sometimes feel sorely lacking in because my friends all seem to have conflicting schedules and I'm bastard that won't leave my studio during the week usually.

Summer is here though and I have had an off to go and see Opera and go to Big Sur and just wander through the trees. I'm seriously thinking that both are a good idea. I've never seen live Opera before and it's The Marriage of Figaro in SF put on by their opera company. And Big Sur? Well, I plan to go out there with some watercolors (which I have to admit I don't know if I'll use too well) and paint a bit when I find inspiration. Plus, I'd be going on these outting with friends so what could be better?

Ok, y'all...time for this camper to eat, play one race in Midnight Club and get some shut eye if'n he can. Ya know...sometimes I really hate my internal clock but...meh.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oish....rambly bambly

2006-06-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

Photo by Kelly Stern

Now, we all know what time it is right? It's Pride month and I've had a lot of oddly mixed feelings about it lately. For one, my local PBS channels don't seem to be running that much "gay programming" this year like they had in recent years. Sort of disappointing because there are few places (not having cable) for me to see documentaries, or what have you, on gay and lesbian folk. I resort to watching the movies I have on hand, and the ones I get from Netflix and GreenCine but it's just not the same ya know? Then, there's the whole issue of I feel like I should be doing more like going to the San Jose Pride (which I slept though) and trying to be supportive. Well, I will be making it up to SF next weekend and meeting up with some fellow bloggers (Hey there Rey *grin*).

So why talk about Pride again? Well it was something that Alden over at Secret Simon was talking about and it just struck a cord. He said, "Be careful not to drown in the celebration lest it lose it's meaning. It does happen." and I tend to agree with him. We get all wrapped up in the partying sometimes and forget what I feel Pride is suppose to be about. I know I've said it before but to me it's a time when all those lovely gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, etc folk get together and say "Hey! Look, there's more folk just like me and we're ok." Now that instills me with a sense of pride. Parades? Sure I love it and I will probably be taking my camera and snapping pictures of the gorgeous guys, and ladies, and drag queens et als....but just to be in that vibe of "we're all one". Man, talk about a sense of ??? not power but just, well I don't know what. (and for those of you that haven't read Alden's site, please go over there because he's a very lovely guy in all senses)

So nothing else is really new here. Work and work. I went up to SF tonight with some friends to hit two places I wanted to go. Did it work out? No. We wound up at Virgin Megastore (well ok...I like browsing music and vids), but then when we walked over to Lush it was closed (which I suspected it would be). Then we tried to make it over to the Castro to a shop I wanted to browse in....closed. So, the trip for me was actually a complete bust. I didn't get what I intended to get up there so I'm going to probably drive my sorry butt up there tomorrow. Why go all the way to SF to buy soap? Believe me, if you have ever used Lush products...you'd understand ;)

I realize lately I haven't been myself really. I'm not sure what the damage has been but I just haven't felt like my old self. I haven't even felt like a new self. Just been feeling a bit like a mindless Zombie wandering through life. I found myself bitching a lot more with coworkers and that's not right. It makes me feel like I'm two faced when I talk about fellow coworkers that are annoying me, but can't seem to say it to them because I don't want to either; A)hurt their feelings, or B)put up with the drama. But, seeing as I feel like I don't talk much to anyone, I guess I needed to blow the steam off. Still I plan to try and work on myself again and find some kind of happy medium so I don't get like that again.

And I feel like I haven't been a good friend in some ways either. I haven't been commenting for the most part on peoples sites that I read every day. I haven't emailed responces. I just sort of sucked down into myself and work. So...who cares eh? Well I do. I honestly love folks a lot in the fact that they play an important part in my life. Just seems that in not talking, I'm not being a very good friend. So here's a list of shout out that are sent with a LOT of love and hugs to :

My little brother Ryan
and Michael who's a majorly swell guy
Kalvin who maybe I'll be meeting this weekend at SF Pride
and Rey who I'll definately be seeing
Alden although I don't really know ya
Brad who keeps my Southern heart buring bright
Steve who I should be commenting more on his blog
Brad who has them sexy feet and is a partial inspiration for my weightloss
Spencer cause he's just too damn cool (and he better know it)
M'lady because she is an amazing woman who I love reading
Ari who bring a sense of gentility to my life
and to Jim who's not back to blogging yet..but I do adore ya.

I feel like I am forgetting folks, and if I didn't mention your name I'm sorry but just know that everyone that stops by here...well I appreciate it. I wish that these were actually little homes because I'd have all y'all sitting out on the porch, a pitcher of Iced Tea and probably some kinda homemade cookies wating. Just sos we could sit a spell and jaw it up and have some laughs. And ain't that what life really is about? People. People and the friendships we form. So, I'll be waiting with the Tea (or coffee heh)...y'all come by whenever you want.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be loved!

What time is it?...oh my god

2006-06-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

from Kelly Stern

What the hell am I doing up so late? I don't know. I'm having trouble sleeping lately. It may be the eating later than I should but hey...that's life I suppose. I'm getting used (in a sick way) to around 5 hours of sleep during the week. Sad huh?

So, not much is really happening here. I keep seeing K but I get the feeling that something inside me has changed. Sure he's cute and all, but there just something there that wasn't before and it's not that I'm not interested...cept he has a wife of course and all that rot. Just, something odd. Probably all for the best though in the long run.

So....it appears I have hit the year milestone. I forgot that it was coming up for me here and let me tell ya, I never thought I would actually still be writing here a year later. All that drama that went before? Well I'm sure it will crop up again this year in different forms but hey, that's life ya? So one year of meeting amazing folks, making new friends because I decided to announce to the world I was here. Was it worth it? Ah hells yeah!

I'll try and up date things a little better but the weekend is coming and that's the time I usually do fu...er...nothing much :D

Thanks to you all for continuing to come back here, for the comments, for the friendships, and for the love. We'll just have to wait and see what this new year is gonna bring me eh? (odd to say halfway through an actual year but I never said that I wasn't a bit off heh)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be loved!

Oh....OH my

2006-06-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

Photo by Kelly Stern

Sorry it's been a while. Lately I've been trying to just chill and relax a bit (well on the weekend) and I didn't make it to San Jose's Gay Pride but....two weeks and I'll be up in SF for their Pride march. We'll see how this goes because for one thing, I'm not really big into crowds, and for a second thing...well I don't really drink much so there's that odd aspect to the whole thing.

So I have to give some credit here to V.J. over at Orange Maze. He posted this and asked everyone to take the 5 minutes to watch this clip. Believe me, I think it's worth it. Kinda boiled my blood, but it also was nice to hear a reporter pull out all her stops when interviewing someone like this. (and hopefully this embedding will work)

So there ya have it....homophobes that believe that God hates just about everyone because they don't sin but we all do. Enough to make you laugh if it didn't make you want to cry as well.

I promise to update a little more tonight, but for now, it's after work and yesterday was crazed and I just want to lay down and watch a movie. On the upside of things, I may have broken my South Beach diet on Saturday, but the effects of what I have been doing lately are actually showing! Yea me! That belly is going down slightly and so now it's up to doing crunches and getting rid of them handles!

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!