Christmas time and want

Christmas is rapidly approaching, well maybe not as rapidly as we think but it will be here before we know it. Luckily for me, I have a majority of presents bought...the wrapping and sending, that's a different story. And I love giving people presents for birthdays and Christmas and Easter and...well hell, I like giving presents to people to see their faces light up (hopefully) when they open a package wrapped as nicely as I can.

And yet...oh you knew there would be an "and yet"....I can't help but think about what *I* want for Christmas and know I won't be getting. Why? Because mostly they are things that are too expensive for people to get me. And without a loving spouse/boyfriend/anyone there that has a good paying job, I'm kinda up the crick.

So what ridiculous things do I want for Christmas that no one has money for? A new car? Nope. I have a car. It's a 93 and runs and I'm thankful for it. A luxurious trip somewhere? Well it would be nice but then I would have to take time off of work and lose money in doing it so...nope. I realized that what I really wanted for a Christmas present, or birthday present for that matter even though my birthday is half a year away, are things I feel I actually need.

A newer computer would be just grand. Mine works (obviously or I wouldn't be posting here), but it's 8 year or so old. That means that the CPU is not as powerful as some of the programs that are out there now so....yeah no games really since my computer can't handle them, and a few programs I do use max out the CPU when I run them. But I doubt anyone is going going to fork out for a computer.

A new microwave would be AWESOME. I have no clue how old the one I inherited is. It works, but I'm starting to worry it's on it's last leg soon. Believe me that it gets a good work out by me a lot of the time. But....probably not something anyone can afford to get me a really good one (I dream of the kind that is also a convection oven as well *droooool*). If I'm really lucky, and can find some way to save money, maybe next year I can find a good sale going on.

Yes I want some sillier items too. An Xbox360 because I want to play the Batman games on it, I'd love to have a blue-ray player since I'm a video nut, and a new vacume cleaner.... the more "in your fucking dreams" items like an actual one bedroom apartment or a new stove/oven for here....but I know that I will get things from people that actually care about me enough to buy me a present. And isn't that enough?

It should be enough to know that my mom will probably send me a few new sweaters (which right now would come in very very handy), and I will get some fun bobbles from friends, and hopefully some Christmas Cards as well. I know we're all hurting when it comes to the pocket book, me included. There are things I would love to do and buy for people, but I just can't. It really IS the thought that counts though. There are a lot of people that just wish that someone would remember them on Christmas. And so I'm trying to stave off the "wants" and accept whatever gift comes my way. Be it cookies, or a card, I know that person cared enough to take the time to think about me. That my friends, equates to love in my books.

And while I don't really have a lot of dosh to throw around, I think that this year there will be the attempt at some Christmas cooking going on here to simply be able to say, "I was thinking of you and love and appreciate you even if we rarely talk or get together. My thoughts and love are with you."

Wondering if I am just selfish

Christmas time is officially here in three days time. Almost December and I have at least had an idea what to get those I am going to give gifts to. Let us hope that I have the money to buy them, and the money to ship some of them. But it makes me think about what I will NOT get this year, or next, or the next from anyone. It is the season to be giving and I try and do that with love and the money I can afford to spend. Hell, a lot of time I get myself in a bit of financial hot water over Christmas trinkets for people. Why? Because I love them and I want to give them something wonderful.

But that little piece of jealousy creeps in every year and it gets harder and harder to ignore it sometimes. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for whatever gift I get from people, but it's a sense of melancholia when I see boyfriends and girlfriends lavish their others. When husbands give wives a new Ipad, and I get a couple of books. Where is the person that is supposed to lavish me with an Xbox 360 that I would never imagined anyone getting me? Well, they aren't there and so I wind up feeling alone and bitter and then selfish.

I've lived for at least 8 years alone now, by myself in a studio apartment. There is no cat. There is no roommate. Just me and the space and my movies to keep me company (and of course my friends who I talk with on the phone). I don't really have room for a Christmas tree, but I'm trying to make room this year because I need that. I need to feel like I'm not outside looking in anymore. But I'm selfish. I know I am to some degree. I crave what I cannot have and it makes me bitter at times. The thoughts of "why not me?" have been constant for a long time now. And I understand why people say "It's enough to drive a man to drink." although I'm too anal to go down that road really. Too obsessed with the fact that I'm the "responsible" one and at the same time dying to not be.

For the majority, all my friends are already in a relationship with someone one, or married. I keep wondering, why not me? Where is mine? And maybe that's why I don't have one, a relationship...too greedy for it. I simply have to have faith that somewhere, the man I'm looking so hard to find is out there. I don't give a damn if we're both poor as church mice. We'd be poor together, and as long as we were/are in love with each other....then we're two against the world instead of just the "friend" who is loved and gets his Christmas presents....but still feels slightly outside no matter how much we care about each other.

I don't know if that's wrong or not. I don't know if I really AM selfish or not for wanting to have someone surprise me with gifts I never imagined. I just know that I always feel a little like the kid looking in at a toy store and knowing that his folks can't afford anything in there. Yeah, I'm the "socks for Christmas" kid in that scenario, but I'll be grateful for the socks anyway. At least I know I was thought of.

2011

It's been over 4 years now since I wrote here. So many things have changed, so much has happened over the course of time. I forgot what it was like to have a place to put my thoughts.

And how odd is it that with so much change, it feels as if nothing has sometimes. I'm still where I was to some degree. Same place, same job, same life almost. The only things that have changed have been silly items like facebooking and twitter. Watching Glee tonight just reminded me how much I want my life to change for the better. How much I want someone to be there next to me, with me. And how much I don't feel like I fit in even with the gay community.

I know I'm not some 20 year old running out there to find life. I feel like those years were stolen from me in a lot of ways along with parts of my youth. And I'm not sure just who the hell I am sometimes anymore. Which "me" am I? Who does the person I'm dealing with want me to be? Who am I supposed to be and is it even really me at some point. I just know that someone out there wants me for me. It's the only thing I have to keep hoping for, that I'll find that person one day. Silly as it sounds, I saw them in a dream and I know they exist somewhere. I just don't know where.

I wish I was 25 again. Wish I could go back and try and make things better for myself. Wish that I could find the capacity to not be so shy and open up and not feel like I'm a dork whenever I meet someone I think is attractive. But that door is shut. I'm 45 and living in a studio apartment which is all I can afford. And that has to be enough for now.

Sure, I still wait for the knight in shining armor. I still want to be swept off my feet. I still want to be able to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me. I just don't understand how it all works anymore. I know it can happen, and I am still praying that it does happen. Maybe this coming year. Maybe if I'm good to myself, someone else might come along and see me and decide I am what they want too.

Wednesday and Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan's lyrics have always spoken volumes to me. He's written songs that sometimes I think were about my life and soul at times. Happy, sad, wandering, lost....my life. Bowie said in A Song For Robert Zimmerman that Dylan has a voice like "sand and glue"....but I don't care. Bob was there for me when my father died. He was there for me when we had to sell the condo I lived in with my father and I had no idea where I was going to go, or where I was going to live. Bob Dylan is about the only thing I play on guitar with the exception of the one song I ever wrote in my life. Probably the one and only. Bob has been my comfort, and the man that sings out my life.

Everything has a beginning. When it starts it's fresh and shiny and full of the wonders of what could be. And, everything has an ending. It may or may not be shiny and full of the wonder that it started out with, but it hopefully leaves a lasting mark on the Universe somehow. A statement of "I was here. I existed." It just feels like it's the time for this place to come to an end. It won't go out with a whimper, nor a bang, nor tears of either joy or sorrow. It will simply stand as the statement that I was here.

Life has a way of going up and down, sideways at times. Mine is no different from anyone else's in the world. But it's becoming more and more difficult to make myself write here. I may eventually start writing again, but it seems doubtful at the moment. I need to go out and live a non-virtual life, find my path that I feel I have wandered too far away from.

To all the wonderful people who have filled my life with friendship and joy, I am not going to be forgetting any of you.

Bob Dylan says in Like A Rolling Stone

" When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?"

I'm feeling like that rolling stone again...so it's time to roll along a little ways and try and find where I can find that direction home.

So I leave you with a little more from Bob, something that I hope still means something to us all.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

Thank you Jon, and Rey, and Ryan, and Jim, and Albert, and Camilla, and M'lady, and all the rest of you. May the Universe smile on us all and bring us love and light.

As always...

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD!!! Be LOVED!

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

Tuesday

Costa Rica was pretty amazing...of course I feel like I didn't sleep at all in the last 48 hours since I got back, but hey, how often do you get to have your boss send you to pick friggin coffee on a mountainside?

The people there were amazingly friendly, kinda, polite, nice, and all the other adjectives I can't think of. I was blow away by it. Genuinely nice people were all I seemed to meet except for one guy on the street of San Jose that hassled us for money. There are too many pictures to post.

And otherwise, the world seems to have turned, life has gone on and I have a slightly different outlook on things. I'm hoping that it all continues. Need to push myself again but maybe after tomorrow when I feel more back to the swing of things.

Life can kick ya in the head a couple of times, but sometimes that's a good thing too. Makes you start to think more, realize things that you may not have before, ponder knew questions and new options. Hard for me because I get trapped in routine a lot. Focus too hard on one or two things and forget the other stuff.

What I do know is this, I may be a fool and a hopeless (or hopefull) romantic, but I still hold fast to the concept that love with see you through anything. Sometimes it's hard to remember that. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it will, but it's one of the few things I truly have faith in. Without it, I think I'd fall to complete pieces and would shatter into all the millions of molecules of the universe.

And here's the wackiest part of it all, no matter how bad things seem to get...I realized a long time ago that love is the only truth out there, and as long as you have it...well things seem to turn out ok. Just realized that this afternoon actually. The people that you honestly love and who have that place no one else can take from you heart? They're always there. That's something I have to remember. It was kinda proved to me with a friend of mine and how things worked out between us over almost a decade of friendship now.

So fill up your hearts! Tell your friends how much you love them because ya know what? People need to hear that. Honestly, people need to hear that they are loved, and you'd be surprised at what that one simple act can do for someone.

My list is rather long for folks to say I love you to, and I would feel bad if I left anyone out but I do just want to say that I love you Jon, Mikey, Ryan, Rey, Albert, Scott, Jim, Alden, Camilla, M'lady, Ari, Marko and all my friends. My arms are always open for ya. And if you're name wasn't there it doesn't mean my arms are closed off to you. I hope that I have arms big enough to embrace the world. So go out there and embrace it yourselves!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Peter, Paul, and Me

A quick update to all that read this little site. I'm actually going to be gone (unlike the non-existant postings) for a week to the sunny shores of Costa Rica to see how coffee is grown and cultivate, picked and processed before it hit the shop I work for as 50lb bags of green coffee beans.

While I haven't been posting much, the cobwebs are slowly dissipating, new and grander visions of the future are brewing, and life is happening (although sometimes I don't feel like it is).

Doug said in a comment about my last post " Hopeless romantic fool. I love it." Well he's right, as most of you that read here know. I am a hopeless romantic. I do honestly believe that love is a conquering force in this Universe. Thank you to everyone that takes the time to comment here. I may not return them all the time, but they are appreciated and make me smile.

I wrote a little something while waiting for my passport to be processed the other day and I thought I'd post it here. Just a little observational poem while having a smoke, sitting by a statue on the streets of San Francisco. He was a little black bird that called out once as he shot through the intersection through the crossing crowd that day. Funny what will inspire us no?

Brazen! Reckless, incredulous
you dart in front of casual glancers, passers by, streaming metal giants.
A single sound issued forth.
A call? An Alarm? An announcement?
The world seems to care naught for you.
Do you care of the world?
And only perhaps one sees you,
watching as you streak to destinations unknown.
Like through liquid you sail past, gone to whither your whim.
And I alone watch you depart through the ethers ushered by a single call.

I've decided to leave with images lately. Pictures to remind me, and you, that there is love and good stuff out there....now let's go get it!!!




Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! BE LOVED!!

Dig this....Think Love!

What's on my mind? Love. What else?

I'm not exactly back to writing here yet. Not until I get the cobwebs under control and sort through the boxes that I have left for far too long in the back recesses. May take a while, but it's got to be done. For now though, I simply wanted to send out some love into the universe. I just think that we all could use a little more of it right now. And honestly, what's better than seeing two guys kissing when it looks like they really mean it?

So dig it! THINK LOVE! (hm...maybe I need to put that on a T-shirt)


Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!!

Happy New Year

Sing out for the New Year, the old year goes out, the new year comes in, and we're still together singing...laughing....and trying to love each other.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

A beginning

Closed for remolding, remodeling, rebuilding, re-invigorating.....

I need a break. I need a break from everything, not just work, not just the day to day endless drone but from everything. There aren't really words anymore. There are only constant things I need to fix be it in here in my grey cells, my life, or at work. I need a life again. This space is not going away, but I am for a while.

I'm sadly not finding it hard to walk away from here for a while. I think that's the point. I used to be a relatively fun person, quirky, silly at times, and lately I feel like I'm just a bitch at heart. Last night I realized I need to redefine my life, but that can't be done in pixelated 1's and 0's. It has to be done away from the job that is currently my life, and away from being online more than out in the real world.

In terms of the Tarot, I am the Hermit again. I am out there searching with my light to try and find the wisdom, but I'm getting waylaid every time I start that search. So in true Hermitical style, I'm abandoning my "home" for a while to live out side of the ruckuss. I hope that when I do come back that I'll be even more sagely, better adapted to handle all the thorns and annoyances of day to day life.

Search for me in the stars if you wish. I always find myself looking up there at them. Perhaps we'll be meeting up there for a while until I come back to this place and tell the tales. Currently though, I feel like an artist staring at a blank canvass wondering if his first pencil stroke towards a painting is in the wrong place, or will create not what he wanted, or if he can find the painting in the void.

As McCarther said, "I shall return."
Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!!!!

Friday/Saturday

Christmas came early for me. I've had a package sitting here in the studio. I wanted to open it, but I just stared at it for what seemed like forever. It was from Jon, and I just wanted to peak into it....but I didn't. That is...until last night when my package to him arrived at his house. I got two presents, and one wasn't in the box.

My family had a tradition of opening stuff on Christmas Eve. I've always tried to have one thing to open on Christmas day because that's when "Santa" would have left us kids the "big" present. But...I wanted to open our presents together, me and Jon on the phone becuase it was going to be the closest thing I would have to actually being there with him. So to me, that was a major part of my present was being able to open his (and yes there is a picture), and him open mine together. I couldn't think of anything better really....although what he sent me is so friggin amazing that I'm sharing it with you all.

For those that don't know, Jon created these himself. He made them, mached them, painted them and they are absolutely amazing pieces of art. He sent me the three in the background of the picture (Alice Cooper, Pee Wee Herman, and a Gangster that I think ROCKS!). The Wolf and Red Ridinghood I bought from him several months ago. The Dogfish and Catsfish were presents he sent me and ya know what....they're all amazing. I've never really had any artworks before...just posters on the wall, but now I have something that reminds me again and again how wonderful, talented, and amazing he is.

Sometimes, someone comes into your life for a reason. They don't have to know it, and sometimes you don't either. It just happens. For me, I just know that I'm a lucky man to have him in my life. Christmas doesn't mean spend tons of money on me....not to me. It means that the present you send comes from the heart, and he knew that I'd love these guys and gave them to me. THAT means a lot to me. Sure presents are nice, expensive stuff is nice, but to have something that someone made with all the effort behind it...priceless! I am eternally greatful to have someone like this in my life. I'm glad that the Universe stepped in and said, "Here. This is a person who will appreciate you, and who you will appreciate." Just another testiment to love in my book.

Thank you Jon for my kids, for you kids who are now my kids. You can come and visit them anytime.

Be Safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Wendesday...sniffle...

I have a mantra that I chant every now and then and it goes a little something like this, "I am NOT sick." (repeat)

While it's colder in other areas of the US and around the globe, the combination of cold air and my open sinuses from Hot and Sour soup was a bad idea. Now I know it's really time to start thinking about movin on from this studio. There is nothing worse than sleeping under two blankets with a shirt on and a sweater AND a space heater going and still being cold. And it looks like maybe I got one. Course the other mantra I chant to myself is "It's just my sinuses. I'll be fine tomorrow." You'd be surprised at what the human mind can do for the human body given the chance. Yes, I am about to sip on my herbal tea (Rosemarry, Peppermint, and Chamomile) and will be shovelling down my gullet until I feel better.

Did I mention that I'm a whiner? When I'm sick I am a terrible patient. I get even MORE independant and want to take care of myself, but secretly want someone to come bring me soup and snuggle up next to me to keep me warm. But alas, since I was about 18 or so, I've been the doctor to everyone else...including myself. Just wishin I had a nurse! (Ryan you're lucky to have that sexy Mikey as your nurse....send me one, or send me Jon?)

So, in the long run, don't worry. I'll be fine (yes I am a Jewish mother at heart). I actually will. I just have to gauge how I feel when I get up tomorrow morning. The upside is that after $75 at Target, I now have a radiator style oil heater with thermostat control. I figure one night at 75 degrees won't kill my electric bill and if it does? Fuck em! For once I'm gonna be as warm as I want so I don't have to wear as much shit to bed so I can actually get some decent sleep!

Is it really four days from Christmas? Yup. God help me cause if I feel all dragged out tomorrow I'm just going to have to lump it. Mom WILL have her present and so will my nephew even if it's only a gift certificate! Colds, sinuses, WEATHER be damned! My inner galant knight just kicked into gear and it shall be done by God! SO MOTE IT BE! :)

Sending through the cosmos the vibes of love.
Filling in the spaces with good cheer and laughter.
Placing so many kisses on so many faces.
Arms are open to embrace them all.
Brightest Blessings to everyone!

Be safe. Be well (me included). Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Monday

Monday's are hell. It's back to work, and back to routine, and back to the same old same old. Hard to believe that soon it's going to be Christmas. Not really though, last two days I've woken up to find ice on my windshield. Yes, even here we're a bit frosty and so have I been.

Truth is that if I didn't get a milk order today I wouldn't have remembered it was Tuesday. The week is coming up fast on me and I have a few last minute Christmas things to do. Money may be tight, but it's Christmas goddamnit, and there are folks that deserve to get a little something even if it's not much more than a card or an ecard. One last thing to send out for my mom. She's the only one in my immediate family that bothers to think of me at holidays and birthdays. That's been on my mind a lot lately.

You sometimes take things for granted. When you're a kid, birthdays mean presents and friends, Christmas means presents and family. Now....sometimes I wonder what is going to happen when she's gone. My dad is gone now 10 years, and I keep thinking about how I could have been better to him. I should be better to mom, keep in touch more, call more often, try to visit....but the sad thing is that while I love her, I just don't seem to know how to deal with her. The rest of the family? They have their own families to think of. Somehow I think that mom and me are in the same boat to some degree.

I keep getting and then losing a Christmas spirit. My boss, madman that he may be, decorated the store last night after closing apparently. I arrived all frosty and chilled to be greeted by a tree in the window with lights a blaze. I think that is the tree I've seen all season. Hell, I don't even think I saw one in the mall. It was nice actually. Ribbons and wreaths hung up in the shop. It finally began to feel a little bit like actual Christmas.

I felt exhausted today at work for no good reason. I was snappy, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to be there, just wanted to be home and away from the world. I don't know why. Probably all the other stuff on my mind. But there was this odd little moment when i went to do dishes and I started to sing this to myself, it's a chant I learned years ago,

"We all come from the Goddess,
and to Her we shall return,
like a drop of rain,
flowing to the ocean.
Isis Astarte Diana
Hecate Demeter Kali
Inanna"

Sometimes it helps to just try and comune when you're doing the mindless things. I sang it over and over again and I started to finally feel better. It's hard when there are few people to honestly discuss this sort of thing with. My boss laughs when I bring up my religion. Dan simply disbelieves entirely. Why is is that what helps you through seems to almost always be brought into question if it isn't Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Budhistic, etc? Can't people get it that it's all one anyway? The whole damn Universe is one for crying out loud, and we're just little pieces of it. Sister Moon, brother Bear, and me. Really, what's the difference in the long run? None that I see. Just wish I could remember this when dealing with the customers that drive me to want to drink or yell.

I talk to Them every morning before I open the doors. It's part of my ritual for the morning. I stand outside with a cup of coffee and cigarette and talk for a little, let Them know that I love Them for all They've done and do for me. I make little requests, ask questions, and lately ask for Their help. Each time I have asked for something, while it may take a while from within the day to maybe a few days, it's happened. May not always be what I was expecting, but my requests are generally granted. They aren't big. I don't ask for millions of dollars, new cars, just small things that come from my heart. This is how I know that They are there and listening. And this is how I know that love truly is the answer, because if it wasn't, I don't think that things would happen the way that they do.

While this is my place. The place where I come to talk to myself at times, and to burst open my cranium and spleen....

All that are named, all that are not named,
all of them are loved.
Brightest Blessings

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!

Sunday

Jacques Brel is singing to me in words I don't understand, but I do at the same time. It's in his voice, his music, and from his soul. Music, the saving grace. The thing that I always come back to when I have to. Calming, soothing, understanding, and sometimes healing.

Sometimes I think I love too much and it frightens people. It makes them scared, or doubt me. Yes, there are people out here in the world that are willing to stand by you forever and love you forever no matter what. Do I love him? Without a doubt. Will that change? No.

Quand On N'a Que L'Amour

1 Quand on n'a que l'amour
À s'offrir en partage
Au jour du grand voyage
Qu'est notre grand amour
Quand on n'a que l'amour,
Mon amour toi et moi
Pour qu'éclatent de joie,
Chaque heure et chaque jour.
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour vivre nos promesses
Sans nulle autre richesse
Que d'y croire toujours
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour meubler de merveilles
Et couvrir de soleil
La laideur des faubourgs
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour unique raison
Pour unique chanson
Et unique secours

2 Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour habiller matin
Pauvres et malandrins
De manteaux de velours
Quand on n'a que l'amour
À offrir en prière
Pour les maux de la terre,
En simple troubadour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
À offrir à ceux-là
Dont l'unique combat
Est de chercher le jour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour tracer un chemin
À chaque carrefour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour parler aux canons
Et rien qu'une chanson
Pour convaincre un tambour

3 Alors, sans avoir rien
Que la force d'aimer,
Nous aurons dans nos mains,
Ma mie, le monde entier

Merci Jacques, merci mon ami. Vous aviez raison. Je prie que vous avez raison.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be loved.

Saturday night

Probably the biggest question in life is always "Why?". Problem is, no one knows. No one can answer it for you but you. Is that we keep secrets from ourselves? I mean, do we know the answer to that question but we tuck it away and just ignore it? Why....it's one that creaps up on me time and again.

I've started to think that maybe, just maybe it's time for a massive break from things. Maybe just turning off the computer completely, but it is like a bad addiction because I'm an email addict. On the weekends I check it pretty regularly just because. During the week it's usually two or three times a day. And that means, I am tied down to my computer. I can get lost in the internet. It's not just for porn ya know.

There are cobwebs in my head again and I don't know how to clear them out exactly, but, perhaps tomorrow is that long walk day. (if it's not raining) It always seems to help. Just pop in some music and start walking. It's funny because as long as there is music, I don't really need a direction or place to go...I can just walk. Yeah, there's always stuff on the brain ain't there? Seems that all those cobwebs and dust bunnies never really go away completely. Maybe I just need a good mental floss? (ok, so I can still attempt bad humor)

Christmas is coming up. I have something for my mom thank god. Cards have gone out. Now I simply have to wait for one last thing to arrive hopefully on Monday and I can send out my packages.

And again, I ask why. I wish I knew other than a large portion of me says, "Because you love." I just hope that is enough. It kinda has to be because what else is there if you don't have love? Doesn't matter if you are giving it or recieving it, it's like air...rather I think it is. Then again I'm a stupid romantic.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved

Monday

It's the memory of the night walking by the water talking with Selene and realizing that I don't spend that time anymore. Why? It's not as if She was any less important now. As a matter of fact, I think that sometimes my Dieties are now more important at this time than ever. I felt so connected at that point. I felt that I heard Her talk to me. Was it only my mind? If so, I don't care because the things I heard made sense, helped me figure things out, muddle through them all.

This season is a confusing one. It's that time where I feel I have to give something to my blood relations whether or not I want to. Do I? Well, partially yes, but the sense of not knowing them anymore to some degree makes this all the more difficult. How do I go looking for that present that says "Mom", or "Brother and Wife", even "Nephew" when I don't know what they are doing anymore or what their interests are. Of course, it's not really like they are making the effort either except for Mom.

The only saving grace was that I felt rather Christmasy by sending out cards again this year. Now I wonder if they look silly, or stupid, or egotistical. I suppose I'll find out soon enough. But I felt I needed to do something, to say something. Maybe I just need a bit of decoration here, but there's limitted space and until I move into something bigger and better, a tree would be in the way.

I sat singing tonight with friends at the shop. Silly stuff, but it was nice. There's a wierd feeling to be had for finding yourself syncronized with folks in voice. We made up lyrics on the fly, doo-wopped a bit, and laughed a lot. Could I honestly go back to performing? Do I have that in me anymore? Part of me craves that artistic outlet. I want the stage again, but it comes with a price that's rather heavy. Loss of time, lack of sleep, possibly lack of income and I think I've just become too lazy. I look for a muse and then think in a second later, what's the point. Didn't we play this game once before? Haven't I grown up some and moved into something new? So why does it still pull at me?

I need more moonlit walks. I need more forests and rivers and pathways to wander while I talk. Concrete surrounds me a great deal and my own little garden is looking cold and lonely. I know it will come back and I will want to be out there more, but now it's simply something I have to tend until Spring when it will come back to me.

I wish I knew where the muses went. Did I turn my back on them? They turn their backs on me? Where is it? Where did I lose myself again to the world? Something must be done but I don't know what it is. In the meantime, I shall try again and again to be the person I want to be. I'll be the one that tries to live the proper way, give a little more, do the things I always thought should be done. To hell with money. What's it anyway but paper with only the value that we put on it. I hate it, but I hate feeling helpless without it. I know I need to push myself more...I'm just stuck in a rut spinning my wheels and trying to get myself out of the mud.

Reminder: You have people that love and care about you whether or not you know it. You have people that love and care about you when you think maybe you don't. You are NOT alone in all of this. Be thankful, and show them that you love them too.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be loved.

Saturday

Providence. Noun. 1a often capitalized : divine guidance or care b capitalized : God conceived as the power sustaining and guiding human destiny

It rains. It pours and yet I'm still protected. Providence intervenes for me. So many things that seemed to be going out right wrong lately. I hermitized them all inside myself, not willing mostly to open up about it all.

The day should have been a good one. Breakfast after a nice long leasurely shower...playing around later on my Itunes to make my mix for the Pod to get me through the day. Breakfast is always at my favourite little place near home. They know me well enough that I don't have to order. It's comforting. I chat with the wait staff. It's like a little slice of home coming every weekend....until you realize you locked your keys in your car. Still it was like a little home because of the care and genuine worry from T as she asked what was wrong.

$50 dollars and half an hour in the wind whipping up from the incoming storm later, I am in my car and driving home. I'm pissed. I'm pretty much broke by this stupidity. My secondary set of keys to the studio and the extra car key (which I found thank the Goddess) were sitting here on my desk. But....again, providence intervened. Having been the foolish soul that believes in saving his change in a large bag, I found (thanks to coin machine) I had saved $58 dollars. The car was paid for and I am back in the slightly blackish section of finances for the moment.

The Divine does take care of us. When things go wrong, there's usually something good coming soon after I'm learning slowly. Love for instance. Love never goes away. Never forsakes you. Is a constant if it is true. For that I am eternally greatful. I would be lost if not for love. Now, looking at things through slightly fresher eyes, I realize that my love is just as strong as ever, and that all my fears were for nothing.

Things may change. That's the nature of life. Things have a way to doing and undoing themselves around us like a beautiful cord. But the cord is always there, simply slightly a different configuration from what it had been.

Am I still happy? Yeah. The stress and repulsion of my day in day out working situation still bothers me, but I'm happy. I have people that love and care for me. Money will come and go, but love is constant and does conquer all. Don't for one moment ever doubt that. Don't forget that. And don't forget that Divine Providence is out there reguardless of what others may think. The Goddess provides for me. She listens and gives me what I need, maybe not always how I expect it, but I know in my heart that She is there watching out for me.

There are people that I feel I need to say something to right now and that is;

I love you Ryan. You remain my little brother always. Remember one thing, your brother is always here when you need me, good or bad times. And Mikey, I hope that you know that should you need me, I'll be there for you as well.

I love you Jon. I will always love you and will be here. You bring so much happiness to me. Words can't begin to say thank you enough.

My friend Jim, you remain a wonderous man and one that I am very pleased to have in my life. You're friendship means more than I can say.

Thank you Rey for all that you've done for me, for all the friendship that you show, and the insight that you give.

Brad, you amaze me at times. I'm very glad that we've met and I hope that I can eventually get out to see you and Justin. I'll bring the cold lemonaide for the porch.

And to all my other friends, just know how appreciated you truly are. I haven't said that enough lately, and I'm sorry. If I don't seem to tell you all enough, you are all wonderous people who have enriched my life, and are greatly appreciated.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday

It's cold in here. It's been that way for a while and I can't seem to warm it up. What do you do when the outside invades? Can you shut it all out eventually? Can you muddle through? Can you see the stars through the clouds. Just to know that they're there. That it's real.

I lived in dreams a lot. Live in my head a lot. Forget that sometimes things aren't like that dream. Can I make it so? Is it all fantasy, or is it realizations? Do dreams ever actually end? I hate the idea of what if. I hate the idea of what if realities.

Right now, I need my boyfriend more than ever. I just want him here with me. Just to snuggle up next to, or watch him sleep, or just to have someone to say hello to when I come home. I wonder if that's really too much to ask of the Universe?

Hey, go and check out Inside Stephen . His post of a bit o' poetry was just....well it was about me, but about him, but about me. Maybe that's why I love poetry. It reaches inside of you, grabs ahold of something, and you feel connection.

Sunday

Is it enough? Yeah....to me it is. There's a sense of faith and trust that I haven't had before. Sometimes hard to deal with, but, nonetheless I wouldn't change anything. But am I doing enough? That's the big issue to me. Could I do things better, work harder, try harder? yeah...I think I could, and I'm planning on doing just that.

My Christmas plans are ... well a bit stimied until tomorrow night when I can hopefully get this damn picture done. Why do I want to send out cards? Because it's one of the few ways I can show folks how much they mean to me and that their friendship means a lot. Sometimes something little, even a card, means a great deal (specially when you're as sentimental as I am).

The mindspace has been really wierd for me lately. Stress at work, should be eating better...a lot of those little things that remind me that I need to not take my job so seriously. Need to get away from it being my life, because if I don't, I'm worried that I'm going to miss something miraculous. Still...maybe it's just time to change up again? Move on to a new job? Maybe I just need to change me a little.

My nephew smiled at me tonight. Then an amazing thing happened...I got my first giggle from him. Yes, silly uncle stuff but it seems to be a big hit with him! he smiled and giggled at me, grabbed my fingers and ate one for a while (hey, baby drool ain't so bad when it's your nephew ok!), and damn but do I love him. He may not be my kid, but I love that little bugger. Course, I love his folks too. They ... well I don't know what to say about them. They're just wonderful people who I'm glad are my friends.

Deconstruction of the studio began. I'm throwing out things finally. Part of my past is leaving me forever and thank the Goddess! I've found more space, but now I feel I need to really organize it. Small spaces can be difficult when you don't do this house cleaning often enough. Boxes of stuff you never use...gone! Next it's going to have to be things like books which is going to be SO damn hard to get rid of. Course, I have a used bookstore so..credit towards MORE book! Luckily for me though....they usually don't have much of what i want to read so, I guess the credit will go to buying those books I meant to read and never did. I want to read the classics more. Want to delve into things like Cantebury Tales, Moby Dick, 1984, and Keats and Shelley. It helps though that they do sell graphic novels (the comics thank you) so I can feed that moster a bit too.

I hope to soon have this place in shape. I hope to figure out what to do about the job situation cause i do want a bigger place. I want to have a place for me and Jon one day. All that good stuff in my head. Yes, I gush. But who gives a crap? He makes me happy and I love him. So why the hell wouldn't I want to give him the world? But first, I guess it's gotta start with me getting off my ass and finishing cleaning...then figuring out the job and all that stuff.

Guess cleaning it therapudic, cobwebs are gone, old negativity vanishing, and now all that room for good stuff. Yeah...*smile* I already got good stuff, but I plan on making more...for everyone.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Saturday night mental ramble

It only takes a little word every now and then. Just something to remind you how lucky you are. I'm forced to remember this fact because I am the luckiest man I know of. Sometimes it is hard to remember that when the world hits ya in the face. But there are always people that, quite unknowingly, show ya how lucky you are.

Why is is that we are so caught up in the world around us? I'm the worst of it. I think I need thicker skin at times. I was good before and had this castle keep that only I could get into. An inner-sanctum that I would hole myself up in. Friends were allowed everywhere else, but only I had the key to that door in me. Now, it's more like a chamber lushly set all velvet and candle lit, with an access key but only one other person gets to have that, and and I gave that to my man.

I worry too much. Always have. Needing to find the way to deal with that other than just stewing about things. I'm thinking that it's time again to get deep down in my religioun. Not go hog wild about it, but be more diligent to some degree. I always forget that They are there until I need something badly. That's not what it should be. My beliefs say that I should be able to access the Universe all times good or bad and should remember that, not just go to Them when things are bad. But then again I don't always do that. Hell, half the time I've been thanking Them like crazy. Just seems that I need to spend a little more time working with and listening to Them.

My spirituality says that there is limitless options out there. We all have amazing power within us and yet I forget that. Silly me...They're with me all the damn time and I talk with Them every night and morning and still, I forget.

I think about folks all the time. I wonder how they are, wonder what's going on for them, care about them and still don't email or call. How do I break that? How to not get caught up in the day to day?? There has to be a way to do this and I know I need to work on that. Which brings to mind the want for a better job and more money which brings to mind the day to day aspects which makes me slightly crazy for remembering now to not think about it. ... I think I need a major time spent in some meditation...or something. Makes me smile in that, "damn I'm an idiot" way cause I know all of this now, but tomorrow??

It all seems so petty when I look at it, cause I know that I have this amazing boyfriend who loves me, so how can anything bad? And I have friends that love me, so bad could it be? And I love Jon more than there are words for it in any language, so what's to complain about? My friend Brad helped me remember tonight that indeed, like I said before, love can conquer all. And no matter what comes at me..I have my friends, and I have a man that I love beyond measure...and he loves me....and that makes all the world all right. So all the petty little problems that come at me.... well they can all take a flyin fuck! Cause I got love, and lots of it from all sort of folks.

And best of all to me, I have a man that truly is amazing. Sweet, kind, funny, yes adorable...and god how I love him. And THAT truly is a blessing.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Late night Friday/Saturday morning

My boyfriend Jon reminds me, daily, of what a person should be. How? Because he's the one that reminded me that we should be more accepting of everyone as they are. Here's one of the most beautiful people (inside and out) that you'd ever meet, and he's smarter than I am half the time. Thank you babe for showing me how to "roar" at night and vent what needs to be.

People can do stupid shit. They tend to get under my skin and work their ways into my brain and make me crazy. No, literally I feel that I got crazy and the worst things come to my brain at a million miles. It's like particals travelling at light speed and they won't be able to be stopped to be examined. This causes me to open my mouth and vomit out things that sometimes even I didn't know I was going to say.

But I have my baby. I have this beautiful man to constantly remind me that there are people who make me sane, keep me sane, and accept things for what they are. Hell, it's been a long journey for me from friends to being in love. An amazing journey that I'm still taking and never want to get off this wierd ride. As long as Jon is there, what do I care what people do or say or think?

My friends will always be there and that I know. The people in my life that love and accept me unconditionally will always be there, and for that I'm greatful. My fam will always be the Endless through out eternity and there for me whether I know it or not (yes I know this by strange means otherwise known to me as The Universe)
....but I was blessed to have this amazing man to love, who loves me and seems to help me grow. And I will walk through fires with him and for him. Can i just say unequivically....Jon, you make my world so much brighter, and thank you for all that you are, all that you do for me, and for being my man. You are my heart.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!