BonTemps Roulle! And how gay is that? ;)

Oh darlins....ya know there is one thing I miss right now and that is being in New Orleans for tomorrow. Tomorrow is Mardi Gras Day! I ordered a King Cake from a company in New Orleans (hell I wanna do my part to support their business) and it showed up today at work. Ya can't believe how happy that makes me!

See, I was in New Orleans (I think it was 2001) for the Mardi Gras season and let me tell ya it's a hoot! You'd think that seeing parades everyday would be dull right? Oh Hells no! It's different groups parading, different floats and they all toss out them beads (and I didn't have to show my tits for it either!). It's not just beads either, there's cups, stuffed animals, all sorts of stuff you can catch at a parade. And it all gears up to tomorrow. Now if ya haven't seen one of these ever, here's a link with a live came (hopefully working) Mardi Gras Cams . So, tomorrow I have King Cake, I'm gonna be wearing my beads (and fuck anyone that calls me a fag over it!), and listening to Canjun music, Zydaco, and New Orleans Jazz!

I do wann say thanks to everyone that commented yesterday on my post. It was just an odd thought that had gone through my head but I constantly ask myself things like "So what makes me gay?" "Do I do gay things?" "What makes some things gay and other not?". Yeah, I tend to think a lot lately but that comes with the territory I think. (hm...repetive usage of the word "think") I guess I do try and learn from my past. I look at the bad stuff mostly because it makes me find ways to try harder. I mean, I look at how I was treated and try and treat people better than that, or try and be a better friend, try and be more honest...you get the point. I can't say I succeed all the time though, but I'm getting better.

So, what really does make somthing "gay"? I like to garden. That I was told isn't something that straight guys really do. (granted the opinion of the person that said that has changed I think) What made it intrinsicly gay though? Ya know I even banter that word around too much. It usually doesn't rile me up to hear someone say, "that's so gay" or somethink to that point...but the usages should bother me. I simply means that something is really lame. Well, I know a lot of gay folk that aren't in the least lame. Take Sir Ian McKellen for one. He's one of my favourit actors...worked with the Royal Shakespeare Company...played Magento (ok I'm dorking on that one). Is he lame? Hell no. Is he gay? Hells yeah. He even brought a really hot guy to the oscars a few years back when he was nominated for something.

So, is it that stuff that women would do? Is it the cooking, and the gardening, and the designing your own clothes type stuff? Mmmmm...no. Now I doubt anyone would say that changing your flat tire was "gay" but I had a friend's lesbian lover pretty much shove me out of the way to change her own tire on truck no less. Is that gay? Um...no hehe...a little frightening as how vehament she was but no...not gay in the least. So help me out here folks. I'd love to see if collectively we can come up with a list of 5 things...just 5 that are intrinsically gay. Ya can't you giving a guy a hummer, cause women do that to, and the same on the opposite end for lesbians cause I know a lot of guys that do that. There has to be something that is actually "Gay". (and remember that not every drag queen is actually a gay man!)

There's yer homework. I'm off to sing show tunes and watch Rent for the 40 millionth time just so I can see my ex-hubby. Well hell, I did get an offer from a cute Persian guy after all :D

Sittin round going Hmmmmm

Well babies, I'm going in a wierd direction tonight. Quiet day here. I didn't do much more than plant some Glads and sit around playing a little XMen II on the PS2. Pretty relaxing actually. Too bad that tomorrow starts the work week again.

So when I went to the club on Friday, I honestly had a good time. I didn't even have a drink for cryin out loud. Just shot the shit with some friends and made a new friend and then...Gobo...well he didn't spin again that night but he gave me a free ticket to his club in Santa Cruz for this friday. I feel really compelled to go but right now all I can do is think about the work week and hope that I feel up to it after the next 5 days ya know?

I'm in a really wierd mental place tonight. Somehwere between disallusionment and ponderation. I'm just feeling that somehow I have missed out on a lot of things and there's no way to go backwards and do them now ya know? Hell, if I could I would be Merlin aging backwards (and yes I'm still working on that one hehe). Seriously though, I read a fair number of blogs out there and some folks are younger than me and ... well .. I feel like I somehow missed out on the "golden years" if you will. It wasn't even until I was around 30 that I actually started going out and having a semi-wild life. Hell, I think that was the first time I actually got drunk to tell the truth.

So I started to think about the obession with getting laid. I can't say that sex is bad (and yes there is such a thing as bad sex so don't even start with me on that one). I tend to think I was sexually messed up because of my youth actually. If you want to know what i mean by that, sorry, that stuff I don't even really tell people, just suffice to say that it wasn't exactly a great experience. So back to the topic here....getting laid. So what's so good about it? May sound silly but I got my hand ya know? Let's face it, you're single long enough you just kinda forget what it's like to have sex with someone else....and I honestly feel that I've gotten to the point where to some degree I honestly don't care anymore. Kinda like when you "hope" you'll win the lottery but you know the chances are outrageous so you basically just say "yeah, it would be nice".

So how did I manage to get here? How did I manage to mispend my "youth"? I'm the first to admit that I'm a dork. I'm not a really with it guy. I'm shy in crowds. I feel uncomfortable with people I find attractive. I have no real clue how to start a conversation in that aspect....AND, if you're in a club/bar....well the guys generally don't want to talk to you about your philosophical take on religion ya know? But, I'm actually kind ok with this.

What's bothering me is the aspect that I could have been out there being a "normal" gay man. I could have been out there hooking up if I wanted (although I've always just wanted a boyfriend), drinking my head off, (well there were raves but I wasn't drinking and my head was definately not right at those events but I had a great time), and ultimately testing out how this dating thing works. It's all very odd to me still. Doesn't make sense.

So I'll vent a little but not much here because, I used to hear from my friends that I was "trying too hard". Ok. Maybe I was, I'll admit that. But then, I was also told that I wasn't "trying hard enough". Does this make sense to anyone else? So you're supposed to stay neutral at all times? Plus, I know I need to healthy dose of self confidence to see me through...and that I'm working on.

I'm actually not upset or bitter about all this, just sort of...confused. Since the world is really like school, I think I missed the classes somewhere. Maybe I grabbed the wrong text book? Don't know really. Now, I feel that I'm passed the place where I could play these games ya know? Maybe I just need to get out there and see what happens, but...much as getting laid every now and then would be nice...it'd be nicer with a person I felt I was in love with. :)

Tune in tomorrow for the continuing soap opera that is my life hehe. Hell, maybe something will surprise me tomorrow and it'll all make sense. But I'm not holding my breath ;)

I..I will survive....(and the disco ball spins on)

Oh me achin back. Me feet! oof....*sigh*

So I was up way too late last night after going to the Black and Blue Ball. I'm hoping that some of the pictures that I was in get posted somewhere. I actually for once thought I looked pretty damn good. Then again, what's not hot about a bunch of gothy folks runnin around in all black looking gorgeous?

There was no drinking for me last night. I'm a pretty big lightweight when it comes to drinking beer...hard alcohol is a slightly different story for later... So I got to the club too late to see my friend Gobo spin. Sucks because that was the main reason I went actually. He's a cute guy that I met off Tribe.net, but I did get to talk to him a little. Well...stilted conversation is more like it. Came to the conclusion today that while I think he's adorable, I'm more than likely not what he's looking for and worse...I don't know him well enough to really hold a decent "light and airy" conversation. I almost got into a metaphysical conversation with him but hey...it was a friggin' club right? Not the time or place for that kinda deep conversation in my books.

Luckily I did meet a really cool goth chick named Laura. Why is this of interest you may ask? Go ahead....I'll wait....*repainting my nails black* Ok, well the truth is that she is going to be at Gobo's club Fate this coming Friday night and since I feel uncomfortable going into a club without knowing anyone, viola! someone I know will be there. Funny that on stage I am Mr. Confident. Same can be said for being at the shop as well....but put me in a social situation where I know no one and I turn into the guy standing in the corner watching life happen before him. So...Gobo gave me a free ticket to Fate this coming Friday and I think I'm actually going to go down there. (it's in Santa Cruz and that's maybe 45 minutes south of me on a horrible highway that is pretty much death on wheels if ya ask me) We'll see. I do want to see him spin though.

So why do my feet hurt? Ya know how long it's been since I danced anywhere? Eons! Still, the Dj spun up some New Order song and that was all it took to get me out there and dancing, not to mention that it kept going with a mix into NIN and I don't remember what else. I've missed dancing but next time I'm gonna wear more comfortable shoes to dance in! Hm....reminds me to try and break in my Doc Martins before Friday hehe.

I think I'm gonna skip out on my boss and Gilbert Gottfried tonight. I think a nice kinda quietish night just chillin, maybe working on a new play I have in my head (not to mention that February being a short month means I need to save what i have left in my account incase I need it for rent). It's 68F out here and sunny so I think after puttering around a little here, it's time for that first bike ride of the new year! Hope that everyone is having a great weekend, and ya know I'll be back soon. I'll try and send everyone a little California weather :)

Halleluja....

Ooo.....OOO! and OOOOOO! What a wacky and great day. Yuppers, there was work but I felt rested for once this week. Already finished everything I had to do and it was a good thing I went back tonight otherwise I'd be bitchin bout making a drawer for the morning ... BUT ... I think They are listening lately. There was this cute blond there tonight. I've seen him a couple of times and he was at the counter, squinted at me through his glasses, and said

"Are you the one that was envying my trenchcoat?" Ok, odd opener but,
"Probably.", says I.
"Do you want it? I'm getting rid of all my stuff."

Ok....so if I remember properly this is a gorgeous black trenchcoat kinda 80's cut style. I drool over trenchcoats all the time because I don't have one. I have a duster but that's a different story...back to the one at hand.

"Oh fuck yeah!", says I.
"Ok. I'll try and swing it by tomorrow. You working tomorrow?" says he.
(silly question actually but I was too pumped about it)
"Oh yeah! This is rather serindipetous because I'm going to a goth/fetish ball tomorrow."
"Well the trench will cover the festish stuff." says he.
"Oh, I'm going to be wearing goth stuff. I don't have any fetish stuff."
"Go with just a leather cockring. I did that once and got the attention I was looking for.", says he.

Ok...a little too much info cause he is a hotty in my book but damn I could have kissed him for giving me a trenchcoat! Hope that he shows up tomorrow with it because I do want to make it to the Black and Blue ball tomorrow night. My little black gothy heart is leaping (but don't tell anyone I'm happy or they'll take my Goth Union card from me).

And ... *smile* I got to talk to my little brother today. Did I mention that my lil' bro Ryan is the greatest? If not then I'm a crappy brother heh. Ryan always manages to make me laugh and put a big smile on my face. That's why I love him like I do. (y'all should head over to Ryan and Mike's site and show them some love)

So, this weekend is gonna be a bit chill. I plan on doing some gardening, playing some videogames, going gothing tomorrow night, and on Saturday I'm going with my boss to see the one and only Gilbert Gottfried! Woo Hoo! I love that guy. I think he's a complete crack up. I'm lookin forward to it let me tellya (not to mention my boss is driving so I can have a drink if I wanna).

I have some stuff brewing in my little pea brain to blog about later on but I thought you'd like to get a sneak preview here. I have some picts I took on the set of the video. Check this out....



This is the set for my laboratory. That massive machine is the radio I will use to steal the souls of all mankind!


That is the ever sexy Doctor Shadow next to his evil radio...sporting his groovy DSRC hoody (the shop I work for here)


My beautiful but evil assistant Maria who is completely faithful to me...or is she?


And finally, my half man/half monkey assistant Guapo. Thanks to the good Dr., Guapo survived a highly experimental surgery....with the heart of a MONKEY!

Captain....someone just opened the silo doors

Sorry I hadn't written for a while here. I was taking some time to get back to normal. This past weekend is kinda a blur at the moment. Meeting Anthony Rapp (sigh), going to Corteo on Friday night (what a great show!), and then shooting both Saturday and Sunday...well it kinda wore me out and I needed that down time/quiet time for myself I guess.

It's funny but in talking with Rey, I realized I was feeling disconnected again. My focus had been (for two days straight) on the video shoot and everything seemed to revolve around that. I had forgotten that the outside world existed and basically spent 12 hours a day (ok Sunday was more like 9ish) with a small group of folks in on location. Once again, I think it's time for me to take a break from work and just go out and have a good time for christ's sake. (I did get an invite at Black and Blue festish ball here in town for this Friday so who knows)

Problem with not having down time is that I can get extra bitchy extra fast lately. So here's the venting process for me...

I'm pissed at my friend Jason who owes me money. I have tried being nice about it and now plan on being a complete asshole about it. I did him a huge favour in loaning him a large chunk o' change when I had it and guess what...I'm aparently low man on the priority list once again. Problem is that if I push too much, well ya know you can push someone over the edge and they will just stop dealing with you...well I want my goddamn money back! I swear I will forever have him and my brother burned into my brain when someone else asks me for money from now on. Funny how you're supposed to be able to trust friends and family with this kinda shit. Grrrrrrr.

Not to mention that the Ben saga seems to continue without even me knowing about it. He came in today and said something about just getting back from Texas with the boyfriend. STOP! Hold the damn phone....BOYFRIEND? Well, obviously I'm not privy to that information, nor am I good enough for him to fucking go and have a cup of coffee with, NOR am I apparently interesting to him anymore. And yeah....I'm stupid enough that this all bothers me, slightly hurts me, and i know I should be over it...and apparently I'm not.

So Sunday was a rough day of shooting. (apparently my venting is done eh?) It wasn't as long as Saturday but I feel like I was more invovled in the scenes that were shot. Sometimes there were multiple takes trying to get stuff right and ya know what? Trying to do the exact same thing 7 or 8 times is pretty grueling. It's not like the stage where you get up there and do your thing and you're done with it. No, this was maybe 7 takes of one segment that will be maybe a minute or less of screen time. But, the good news is that the director is happy with it so...there ya go. I still haven't seen any of the footage yet but hopefully I'll be able to sometime soon.

When will the video be out? Not sure. There are a couple more things to actually shoot but our DP (director of Photography...you know... the guy with the camera hehe) had to go back to NY so I'm not sure when he'll be out this way again. After we finish those two sequences, there is the ADR (not sure what it stands for but it means we are recording out dialogue to be synced in later) and then the editting and THEN it'll be finished. The director wants to try and push it into some film festivals (well it is a 15 minute short) and yes, if we're lucky then it will show up on VH1 or MTV (does MTV still run music videos????). But, the answer to when can you see it is...I really don't know yet.

Speaking of video...I'm so happy that now I can watch my hubby Anthony Rapp singin any time I want now. RENT came out yesterday and you better believe I made a beeline to get a copy! I am a happier man for that I can tell you since it's Widescreen and Special Edition with some groovy extras. Oddly, I also picked up the Original Broadway cast recording of The Color Purple (the new musical version). I have to say so far I'm pretty rocked by it because it's one of my favourite books and movies ya know?

Oish....so there's what's been up for me...trying to rest a little mentally after the shoot. Trying to catch up on sleeping after the shoot. Trying to get back to "normal" after Cirque and the shoot. And trying not to lose my gob on my friend Jason so I can get my money back and maybe finally take a vacation.

Hm....I think I'm gonna go and walk down (yes some folks in California actually still walk) to the store and grab a pack of smokes and ponder what I'm going to say to Jason on the phone today. It's actually a pretty day here.

I think I left my brain somewhere

What am I doing up at this hour? What day is it??...oh that's right it's Saturday. Well for a little while at least it's still Saturday night. Then again, after 12 hours for shooting today, I'm not so sure anymore.

Last night Cirque was amazing. I actually talked with one of the Cirque employees about how to audition and what they looked for and just about fell in puppy love with her French accent. Yup..I said HER heh...wonders never cease. She actually gave me a fair amount of good advice about auditioning and how many tapes they get every year. A bit discouraging to hear the volume of audition tapes that are sent but hey....everyone gets a chance right? Now I just have to figure out what the hell to do for them and where to film it and, of course, find a camera to do it. Still, there is really nothing like the magik of Cirque and if they come to your town, you really MUST see them at least once. You'll never think of a typical circus again I'm willing to bet!

So...today's shoot was pretty good. We got through everything at least and with the director wanting 3 takes to choose from, it actually went rather well (we were a little off schedual for a while). Kinda wierded me out because I was tired from last night and the week so I didn't feel awake until after lunch maybe. The day's shoot started at 9am and I had maybe a 20 minute drive to the studios we're filming in....and I got out of there around 10pm. Bit of a long day. Luckily for me and the other actor, we're not needed tomorrow until noon. I get a little chance to sleep in (Huzzah!). I kinda get the feeling that for me tomorrow it's the bigger day. Most of my dialogue was shot today but tomorrow is the segment where we're shooting the music video part and there's some dialogue interspersed in places. I'm a little nervous to tell you the truth. Then again, I'm always a little nervous when I have to perform reguardless.

Oh....and the most asked question of me? How tall am I? Well last time I was measured, I'm roughly 6' 4 1/2" tall. If you think that's tall, one of my brothers is actually 2" taller than me! Ok...I need to get these contacts out of my eyes, make a little something hot to drink and chill before I get to bed. Oh, yeah, guess I should look over the script again before tomorrow hehe.

The video does look great though. I got a chance to catch some of the filming on a monitor and DAMN this is gonna look pretty. I can't wait to see the editted, finished product!

Home....and happy

I rarely post pictures of myself here because for the most part I don't like most pictures of me. I think I take bad picture and on the odd occaission I do sometimes wind up look ok or good in them. BUT...This one (although I hate the fact I look like I'm smirking), I'm keeping.

Yup...that's me and my "husband" (although he'll never know it) Anthony Rapp at his signing tonight. I made it just in time to hear him do a reading from the book, then there was a short Q & A session, and then he sang a few songs. I swear I could have friggin cried when he sang Without You from Rent. (oddly enough he also sang Losing My Religion) When I got to the front of the line, I was too tongue-tied and nervous to really say what I wanted to. I feel I probably looked a bit glassy eyed but...

He did ask me one question about myself. The same one that everyone asks. Best example I can give you of this question cropping up everywhere is this. I was doing a production of A Christmas Carol and in the audience was the artistic director from another theatre. My boss' wife worked for her (Timothy Near...yeah she's a woman). After the show my boss' wife said all Timothy asked about me was "How tall is he?".....and that's exactly what Anthony Rapp asked me as well, "How tall ARE you?" Sigh....wish he had at least asked something more interesting.

Still, he was beautiful and having read the first chapter of his memoirs on the production of Rent...I'm a little more of a fan because before he got the role of Mark in Rent what was he doing? Slingin' coffee for Starbucks. Maybe there is hope for me yet!

Presenting the happy couple:

Nothing can go wrong today....it's Rex Morgan day

I'm living in fear here today. I'm rather scared to actually take a look and see if there are comments on yesterday's post. It's rather irrational of me, but I just don't want to know how folks responded to my whining. Yup, that's how I see it...I was a whiny little prat last night. Granted, I know that my friends are there to support me and have and will....but it's rather embarassing when you feel like you turned into a 5th grader crying because he didn't get a Valentine's Day card from the person he liked. Silly really.

Tonight begins the big weekend for me. I just got my shooting script today, and the breakdown of the schedual. 9am - 9pm wrap for both days. Not too shabby actually because ya know, it could have been a LOT earlier...and it's the weekend...and we all have "normal jobs". Still, I forsee myself coming home on an actor's high Saturday night and wanting to go out and dance like I used to way back in the days when Didi, Desi, and I were regulars at an 80's night.

So, with paycheck firmly implanted in the bank, I have only a scant 5 hours until Anthony Rapp's signing up in SF. I still don't have a good game plan on how to get there. Sure I'll drive but I'm worried a little about traffic, and exactly where to park once I'm there. Haight/Ashbury doesn't really have all that much parking on the street...plus it's not exactly the best section of town but hey...I'm taking my bloody camera and I'm gonna try and get a picture with him. Oh, and I'll buy his book and get it signed hehe. And then, tomorrow night? Cirque Du Soliel!!!! So, obviously I need my check to definately clear by tomorrow so I can buy chochsky ;)

Now, if the bleeding workmen that are probably demolishing .... er trimming, the trees out here would just go the F away, I could lie down and watch a little bit of a movie and rest quietly. I don't think that's in my cards for today though. Hm...reminds me that I still have to go back to work and place an order before I leave for SF. Ah, the joys of being a manager hehe....er.. not. ;)

M'thinks it's time for a nice cupper of herbal tea (hey...I drink too much caffinated stuff at work) and some noshy bits....but I feel too excited to actually nap. Hm.... 4 hours and 30 minutes.

*Bounce*

What the...well I don't know today

It came. It went. It's over. For those of ya that I didn't get an ecard out to, I'm sorry. It's sort of like with brithdays and other odd holidays. I figured that if I had a crappy one, I want to make sure that others don't. Is that silly of me? I mean really. I think I sent some cards to folks that don't even really care, or know me that well so what would they care? Still, hopefully they made folks smile a bit, made them feel a little loved (and hopefully not annoyed). That was the intent I suppose. Now I'm feeling rather stupid about it all.

See, I'm really good at beating the living hell out of myself. Oh I can make myself black and blue like no one's business. A lot of folks think that I tend to put myself down, but I sort of consider things like saying "Ah...but he wouldn't go for me cause I'm so butt ugly." to be something of an attempt to disempower the thought through joking about it. Sort of like turning the joke around on yourself so the other guy can't make it, which takes the power and sting away from it. Does this make any sense to anyone but me? Is this thing on? *testing microphone* Hm. But back to beating myself up for just a second. I've come to realize I am (and perhaps we all are) so much harder on myself than anyone else ever could be because I secretly strive for perfection. So, when I don't achieve that...yup...I beat myself up for being "stupid", which is actually....well stupid heh.

Tomorrow starts that long haul for me. I get to go to the book signing and then Friday I'm off to Cirque Du Soliel and then shooting Saturday and Sunday...and then it's the work week again. Course, I'm feeling lame about this considering what my other friends do in the course of say a week. Hell, I'm almost living the life of luxury compaired to some folks scheduals. Guess we all like to secretly complain a bit here and there eh?




I'm taking Chryssa's advice again and I'm gonna lay some stuff out on the line to dry a bit here. See, I think maybe two folks wished me a happy Valentine's and that was at the shop. (And Rey, I still think that "happy Tuesday" was a brilliant idea and thanks for the Tuesday wishes) One person in particular kinda wierded me out this year. It's a friend of mine from Myspace. I finally got around to calling him and he obviously didn't really want to talk...well shit man I told him I would call and here I am trying to honor that commitment right? So, it made me consider some things in my life lately.

1) Why am I doing things for people what don't seem to care about it?
2) Why the hell am I utilizing my time with folks that couldn't give a rat's ass about me in the long run, but somehow (even though Jas out here has made the same complaint, he still does it to me time and again it seems) hook on to me when they need something? I mean am I that much of a pushover?
3) What the hell am I really doing here? (and that could go for either the situation, or my own life in Cali at the moment, or life in general) When did common curtesy become obsolete anyways? It's not like I expect anything, but there are some folks that I have tried and tried and tried to simply be friends with ... and I feel like I come off looking like a loser in the end. I mean really...WTF?

Little known facts that I can pull out of my ass could prove I'm not a loser. *I* know I'm not and still I can't get past what other people think of me. It's really kinda bothering me lately. And exactly what DO these people think of me?

I mean shit...I'm the first to admit I lead a really really boring life. Only lately have things become interesting. I guess I'm missing my "partner in crime" to some degree. Miss having folks to just hang out with and chill with that I feel comfortable with. That's a big problem for me...but am I loser? AW HELLS NO! I have over 15 years of theatre experience under my belt, was in choirs from 7th grade through 2 years in college, I used to have the paintings I made in college (but were lost in moving). I know I'm not a loser but sometimes, in the trying to be a nice guy and make someone's life a little happier...I feel like I am a loser. I guess I want to be popular. I mean that kind of popular that you remember from High School days. Well I wasn't then and wasn't recognized then...now I'm starting to feel that all over again. I think I've just become a fixture. That odd piece of furniture that you can't get rid of, but you never really think of. I am someone's ugly couch. (hehe....oh my god that actually made ME laugh)

So I'm calling an end to this round of beating myself up. I have too much on my plate for this weekend to delve into this much more. I guess I'm glad for that because it means I don't have to think about this kinda shit for a while. I'll be too worried about dropping a line, or enjoying Cirque too much to care, or getting the chance to meet Anthony Rapp (sigh...dreamy). I just know that I'm running the risk of futher title bouts in the near future. Guess I should train better next time hehe.

I think I need a break. :)

Valentine's Day Of DOOOOOOOOM

Well my darlins, here we go again. We're about to delve head first into one of the two calendar days of the year I abhor the most....you guessed it, Valentine's Day. Black Tuesday for me. Am I bitter? Well, yeah a little. It has a lot to do with my past. Ah I remember it as yesterday...
*begin the flashback sequence....now*

I was still working at the theatre. I was single (and what else is new really?) but I had decided that this Valentine's Day I wanted to "feel normal" and I had planned on giving a card to this guy. I didn't know him well, although I knew he was straight but I just wanted to have someone that I found attractive to give a Valentine's Day card to damnit. Theatre folks are pretty easy going so I figured, what the hell. When he had opened the card, he grimaced. I thought I had blown it and would now be perpetually embarassed during the entire run of the show. I had blown it yet again. But fate has odder things in store for us sometimes.

He actually found it sweet. I was shocked as hell. As it turned out, we started hanging out more after that. Eventually we were hanging out all the time. I was a bit confused but happy. Soon, it was more apparent to me than anyone that this was a little past friendship to some degree. Time passes and he actually moved in with me (his lease was up and he didn't have anywhere to go really). Things happened...and soon...it felt like we were a couple. I fell hard. REAL hard for him. We were living together probably for over a year, and eventually the bubble burst...but we still lived together. I was still in love, he had made it explicitly clear that he was straight and anything that had happened before between us was now verboten essentially. For over a year I had a partner in crime, someone to come home to, someone to argue with, someone to cry over a little at times, and someone to love (even if it was secretly from my end).

*return to the present ..... now *

So ya see....Valentine's Day has a bit of a special meaning to me for a lot of reasons. Now why do I hate it so? Well, for one, I'm still single (and am beginning to doubt I will be anything more than single ever), and all my friends out here are couples. That's right, all the folks I love with all my heart are paired up. So, Desi and Didi are down at Disneyland for Valentine's Day. My sister Chryssa (Happy Birthday Girl!) and brother Dave are in Vegas to celebrate her birthday which just happens to be Vday. D & H are more than likely going to do some couply thing tomorrow night.

So where does this leave me? I'll dole out a card here and there (and especially one to the guy from my past...it's tradition now), and grumble at work and make some jokes about hating the day and "happy couples" (although I am happy that my friends have folks that make them happy and are in love with), and then I'll go to Tower and buy RENT on Dvd, come home and turn off the phone. Yup, I plan on a good sulkfest. I will be resplendant in my horrible single nature. Yeah, I know...cry me a river.

I have this bad habit lately that when I feel down, or hurt, or upset...I hermitize myself. I don't like the idea of bringing other folks "down", and I really don't particularly want to hear how "he's out there waiting for you somewhere". I know I'm a pretty good guy. I'm not hideously deformed by any means. Why I can't seem to meet one gay man that I click with romantically is beyond me. Funnier yet, for the most part I honestly don't think about it that much. Too much seems to go on in my day to day life...but I dream of romance, and candlelit dinners, walking hand in hand on a moonlit night. Being a romantic can really suck!

Ya know the other funny thing? I thought about how it's almost a throw back to when I was say 8 years old and in school. At that point (probably 4th grade) you had this horrifying ritual on Vday that you gave everyone a Valentine's day card (remember the boxes of say 100 card that were ultimately lame?). Well what I remember is that the popular kids got TONS and I got a few. Part of me wonders if that was just shades of things to come in my later life hehe. Seriously though, it does feel odd to give cards to my friends, never getting any in return, and wondering why I'm doing it other than to feel "normal" on Valentine's Day. Just to have someone I care about to give a shmaltzy card to (or rather nonshmaltzy because I hate giving regular Valentine's day cards as much as I hate traditional Christmas Cards). Maybe next year eh? We'll see.

And if you were wondering what my other abhorant day of the year is? It's my birthday. I was born in July and for the most part, everyone is gone out and doing things and I feel a little lost in the summertime crunch. F it. Just another day. Just once though I'd like to find out that someone had organised a shindig on my behalf and all the folks I loved were there. Presents are nice and all...but being remembered is definately better.

So before you comment on this post, I want you to really reconsider that "feel better" comment. Why? Cuase while I truly appreciate the sentiment, I'm not fishing here. Hell, leave me something about YOUR Valentine's day. Make me smile with what your honey, or friend, or whatever did for you (or you did for yourself).

....and yes....be prepared to get at least an Ecard from me ;)

What a beautiful looking day....to me

I woke up early today because I have a meeting with my director for the video. My alarm went off and I looked at the time and decided to snooze a little more. It was waaaay too early to be actually getting up. (this reminds me that next week I really should reset my alarm clock becuase I have it set way to far forward) I have a routine on the weekend of getting up and going out for my first cig (yeah I know I know), look at the garden and listen to the birds, see how warm it may be outside and just enjoy a lazy morning. Today though I was greeted with my favourite California site.

Just look at it! Isn't it great?! I love the fog. I love the mysterious sense that it gives the world. It's like the street suddenly ends, and a secret land beyond begins. That's just looking down the end of my street, which isn't exactly too far seeing as I live in a cul de sac, but you can't really see the crossing street.

Looking down the main street that I live off of, where does the road go? Where did the world go? What happens to lie on the other side of this dense grey field? God I love it! I often think of myself in a Vicotrian mystery novel when I see this sort of thing. Driving in it is a kick I have to say. Yeah, I go a little slower than normal than usual but maybe that's because I'm revelling in the fog.

I know that it's going to burn off eventually. The weather here was so absolutely lovely yesterday that I have a feeling it's going to burn off and be warm again today...but for now, I almost want to just go wandering. The city right now is quiet because it's 8am on a Sunday. It's like having the whole world to yourself, and with the fog out there? Well it feels as if anything could happen. Nothing spooky, but something magikal actually. It gives me the feeling that finally the bad things that seem to have plagued me and my friends are going to be over finally, and what lies beyond the bad stuff? Don't know, but it's going to be mysteriously wonderous.

I think I'm gonna go wander and get a little lost out there in my own head, and the velveteen clouds that have touched the earth here for a little while. The sky has reached the earth almost it seems, and magik is afoot.

Whoo...made it to the weekend

It's beginning to look a lot like crazy...hm, that's not how the song goes but for the next week things are gonna be a bit hectic for me on this end. As I had said before, I'm going to be shooting in a friend's video for their band. It's actually going to be around a 15 minute short film really with a music video in it. Am I excited? Oh hell yeah! Been too long since I dusted off the acting shoes, and unfortunately for me, too long since I learned to memorise lines as well...but I think i have them. Couple more days working on them and they should be ingrained in my little cranial cavity.

So, long story short is that I may not be around as much as I'd like to be next week. So, what I'd like to do right now is say thanks to everyone that commented on my last post. I had originally written it and taken it down the next morning feeling all wonky about it. I'm glad to see that it seems to have had an impact sort of.

Couple of things that's been on my mind are about comments actually. See, I don't care if I get one or 50 comments. Hell, if no one commented on a posting I put up, so what....I'm sure that it was read but no one had anything to say bout it. Fair enough to me because I find myself not always knowing what to say about folks posts. And let's face it, sometimes you just don't have anything to say. Secondly, thanks to everyone that reads this site (and I may not know who all of you are but I know you've been here). It's sometimes frightening to put "myself" out here, and sometimes I'm not sure if it's even interesting to anyone (or makes sense to anyone) but me. Still, I find that there are folks that read this silly little site of mine (I'm gonna let it shine...ok, enough with the musical references). And again, I have met some of the most awesome folks because of this. So, thanks for taking the time to get to know me and becoming my friends.

Oddly I wanted to comment on the comments (is that redundant or what?) from that last post because I don't really like commenting in the comment section. (Am i just writing oddly or does that sound wierd to anyone else when it's read out loud?) Don't know why but it's like trying to hold a conversation where you have to keep backing up to move forwards (wow...maybe that 3rd cup of coffee tonight was too much for me). At any rate,

Camilla, I couldn't agree more with you about the "showing that they're gay" issue. Sometimes that's a bit much for me as well. I won't lie and say that I don't act like a "queen" at times but it's all in fun and generally with my friends that I am extremely comfortable with. And you better believe that we'd make a crazy couple :)

M'lady, well ya know I'm a pure soul who has never had an orgasm by himself alone...(riiiiiiiiiight) but I thought your comment was brilliant! I think you're right about the fact that (well for me at least) we spend a great deal of time um...loving ourselves hehe. So, I don't think it's just a "straight woman" thing ;) You should check out Ryan and Mike's site today. I think you might find the post rather enlightening to some degree.

Jason, you're words always amaze me because you make me think more. I never would have correlated what I was talking about with a more global concept of prejudice but I do often think about the prejudices we hold within "our" community. Funny how it takes being reminded that as a "minority", we should be much more accepting of any other minority out there! (and I wish I could say that it was visa-versa but we know that's not true in general)

Martin, you know I often get told that I am one of the straightest gay men that folks have ever met. I've even been called a closet heterosexual (well the women I am comfortable with don't mind a friendly pinch on the bum ya know?). I've sometimes thought that it was just the whole California thing (e.g. Castro and the variety of gay men you see up there) that makes me forget that there must be more folks like the collective us (meaning everyone that commented). Thank you for reminding me that I need to maybe look a little closer than I do. :)

Yes I know I didn't say anything to some of you that commented but I wasn't entirely sure what to say...but you know you are greatly appreciated by me anyways. And if you didn't...well you bloody well do now! :)

So, in keeping with this sort of theme I want to help out my buddy Rey's friend who's setting up a sort of MySpace for Lesbian ladies out there. Nope, I'm not a lesbian but ya know what? It's that unity thing again. Ya know they really do seem to be an odd silent group when ya look at it. You always seem to hear bout gay men, and you see the pictures of gay men in the paper, and ... well ... let's face it, seems that the lesbian community has gotten a short end of the stick from the "gay" community (even though it encompasses them since technically, both genders are gay ya know?). So, if you happen to know any nice, or even dirty wicked lesbians, tell them to go and check out

http://www.thecattrap.com/

Ok...enough of the rambling for tonight because it's late late here for me and I should go to bed but with enough caffine I shall probably get all the way through the film Rosemary's Baby.

Did I mention I get to go and see the new Cirque Du Soliel show this coming Friday night...before shooting the video on that weekend....and that my husband (Anthony Rapp) is going to be up in SF doing a book signing on Thursday night next week...the night before Cirque...before the video shoot? Will I be there? WILL I?! You better believe it! Now I just have to convince him that we got married hehe.

On being gay

Ok...well I need to try here to recreate a post that I deleted. I wrote it Friday night after I went and saw Mrs. Henderson Presents with my friend. I finished writing it all and then, ya know how some things just bug ya and won't let go? Well I woke up thinking about what I had written, and how I thought it sounded and I took it down. So why am I going to try and recreate it? My friend Chryssa (my babydoll sister) had seen it and thought it had a lot to say for itself. Well the Goddess love her because she's so right about some things. This is essentially my diary that I'm allowing folks to read. It's me putting my thoughts and feelings out there. And ya know I love me some Chryssaburger.

So I went to see Mrs. Henderson Presents with my friend. I had a great time just hanging out with him because I hardly ever seem to get that chance. We chatted about a lot of stuff over dinner, saw the movie (which was brilliant and I love Dame Judy Dench even more now), and then grabbed some coffee afterwards. Now I feel that he and I have gotten to a point where we can talk about anything and I'm so glad for that because...he's straight and I'm not. Now here's the secret, which probably isn't such a secret to him.....I'm sooooo in love with him. I'm in love with my best friend who's straight. The thing is that it goes deeper for me than just "being in love" and being all ga-ga about him. It's to the point that I honestly don't think about him sexually. Kinda funny if you're in love with someone but it's gotten to that point for me. I can't say that I would turn him away if the offer was made, but it's not something I think about ever really. (and yes he's incredibly attractive but you'll have to take my word for it) I'm just glad that I have someone to love this much, who cares in his own way for me...and that's enough for my mind.

So he and I were talking about gay movies and gay books and I started thinking. See, I have read my fair share of "gay" novels, and seen a lot of "gay" movies. His comment was "I don't care who you put your dick in, just make the story interesting." Well he's right. There are gay authors who write gay novels about gay men and ya know what? A lot of them are just crap. I'm tired of reading about the guy dying of AIDS who's heroic boyfriend struggles on afterward, the big flamboyant bitchy character, how hot the sex between the two is. Who cares? When did we stop being people and become simply our sexualities?

I don't fit in with the "gay community" because I don't wear the right sort of clothing. I don't listen to the right artists or the gay icons. I don't really particularlly like Madonna (although there are some catchy tunes I do dig) and the same goes for Cher. So what?! I don't have the best body in the world but I'm not going to go to the gym 7 times a day to look like what someone else thinks should be attractive. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda guy. If I had hair on top, I wouldn't have my hair cut to the "latest gay fashion". I don't go to the bars looking to hook up everynight although that seems to be what is expected to some degree. I really couldn't give a rats ass about it. If I'm drinking something from a company that isn't gay friendly, so what? If I like it, I'm going to drink it. When did I become the outsider within my own community?

When I was younger and just coming out, I listened to a group called Romanofsky and Phillips. They sang gay songs about gay things and I loved it. Well I got pretty damn tired of it after a while. I branched out musically again because it's like eating only rice everyday for every meal. There seems to be this idea that if it's gay, it's good. We shouldn't buy this product, buy that one because it's gay friendly right? I've seen enough crap films to tell you that just because it's about "gay issues" doesn't make it worth watching. Why do I find that I'm trying to pigeon hole myself within what should be my own community? Everything gay is automatically good, or should be bought, or listened to? Um....not in my world really.

So gay pride? Do I have gay pride? Am I proud to be gay? Not really. I'm me. I'm not my sexuality. I thought that gay pride was about unity for all of the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgener folks out there in the world. It's not about going out on Pride weekend and getting hammered because it's another reason to party like it's St. Patrick's day. It's about all of us coming together and saying "Hi there. We're people just like you. Take a chance and get to know us. Ya might just like us." Certainly there are the stereotypes that sometimes stick out, but hey, that's part of it too? There's the angry gay men, militant lesbians, drag queens, go-go lookin boys, leather daddies, twinks....that US. (That's the whole damn world actually.) Ya know what does bring some swelling to my heart when I see the parade? It's seeing an Asain guy walking with his drag queen black boyfriend laughing it up with a leather daddy who's got his arm around a Jewish lesbian who's kissing her Persian girlfriend. THAT makes me proud. The fact that we actually CAN come together...but we forget that. It's about the fact that they may all be gay or whatever, but they are simply people coming together in unity. That to me is pride. So do I have gay pride? I have pride in me as a person more than I do in being gay, but I won't deny that I am a gay man. (unless I'm actually physically in danger) A guy I know told me I had "internalized homophobia" because I told him some of this once. Nope. Don't think so. I'm just me as a person who is gay who doesn't want to be a sheep. And that, is how I am proud to be gay.

The truth is that out there in the world there is nothing more, nothing less than people. There are fellow human beings. Some are fat, some are not so attractive, some are drop dead gorgeous, some are just average, rich, poor, black, white, sheepish, aggressive, etc. Why can't we just take a little time and try to remember that and find some unity in it? All of this because I love my friend beyond all belief. He's straight, and I am gay. In the long run, I will never get over him. That's ok actually. No one will ever be him for me, but there's gonna be some guy out there who's just as wonderful...just not the same. I may be an "outcast" because I want to be me more than I want to be a sexuality, but I know there is a guy out there waiting for me...and me for him.

Good Night Coretta...we'll miss you

To quote Mr. Carroll "O frabjous day! Calloh! Callay!" Why so happy you may ask? I don't know. I just know that things seem to be feeling better in general. I got paid today and it was more than I was expecting. I got a check from AT&T...why, I don't know but money is money. I got to talk to my little brother Ryan for a while this afternoon...life's pretty damn good.

This of course all comes after finding out that Coretta Scott King died. Joey Destino had a lovely post about her today. I myself agree with Joey in wondering, where are the heros now? Who is going to stand up for the little guy? Well...maybe it's time we all do. You, me, everyone. See, I'm not a fighter. I'm a relatively quiet living guy (not saying I'm quiet but quiet living...live and let live), but eventually this is all going to go too far and if we as just normal folks don't do something...well I won't want to live here in the states to tell ya the truth. It wouldn't be because I don't love my country, it will definately have to do with an oppressive government and how they try to rule our lives. I'm not trying to be "political" here...just...unfortunately that's where my head is on this one.

When I was younger, I had a hero. I had a lot of them actually. I looked up to FDR, JFK, and MLK (yeah I know enough with the initials but if ya don't know who they are...ask). Then I learned about Ghandi. Then I learned about Malcom X. Now, somewhere in there I saw a movie with this actor. This guy that just rivetted me. He stole the entire film and I was obsessed with learning about him. I started reading articles about him anywhere I could find them. I watched every movie he had made (including a couple that really aren't very good), and he became someone I looke up to greatly. He was actually younger than me, but he had this "aura" of peace, and he was into PETA (people for the etichical treatment of animals), Greenpeace, Vegitarianism (something I'm afraid I don't think I could do), and he was sort of soft spoken and shy. I loved what the image was....if it was true or not, I'm going to keep that image of him because he died. My hero, my acting icon, died on Halloween night outside of a club in Los Angeles, ODing. Some folks afterwards tried to make him out to be a really "troubled" person...drugs...harsh upbringing. Well ya know what? Who isn't f'ed up in some ways?

I'm sure that there are things about JKF, MLK, FDR, Malcom X and probably even Ghandi that aren't necessarily great. They probably made bad decissions, made stupid mistakes, even maybe went against the law (be it the US laws, the Musslim laws, etc). But what do we remember about these people? They tried. They tried to change things for the better. They wanted better lives for everyone. (yes even Malcom X) They struggled and all but one of them was assassinated. River wasn't, and neither was FDR...but the principals they tried to instill, the hope that they gave, and their striving to make things better for this world? That's pretty heroic.

So God Bless you Corretta Scott King. I hope that we will see your likes again one day soon.

Wow that got really heavy there. Didn't intend to rant like that, but sometimes, it just sort of comes out. So now..I think I'm gonna eat my dinner, watch a little movie, ponder what I am going to be making for my friend's birthday (it has to be Southbeach Diet friendly) on Sunday, close my little peepers...and get ready for tomorrow.

Peace

Dear God is Monday over yet?

Again, I hate audioblogger. I bloody well took the time to find a site to translate something into French so I could read it for my friend Philly and...again... POOF. Nada...zip. Sigh.

Unfortunately that is about all I can think of to blog about tonight because my head is filled with ramblings. Today was such a Monday on my friggin brain for some reason. It wasn't a bad day perse, but turned into a bit of ... ?? Just the afternoon wasn't so swell I guess. Now, after taking the time to figure out a few pronouciations in French, and spending the time to record it a couple of time because of fubar mistakes on my part, there is no posting...which is why I am posting.

Ack, I need to heat up my soup, eat and go to bed. At least the world here is quiet for once. The neighbors must have decided to be polite to me tonight for whatever reasons. So want to move to a better place with better insulation and walls that I can't hear their Tvs through. Then again, I wonder what they must think of my Tv when it spouts out foriegn films followed by horror films (resplindant with screams) followed by documentaries. Ah, let's not forget those gay movies I've gotten from Netflix eh? (not that kinda you dirty naught people hehe) Well, tonight I almost have the nerve to just say F' em. I pay my dosh for this place, I shouldn't have to care that much about the neighbors and what they thing....but I do, so I'm quiet.

Right...time for some tomato soup to heat up my cold withering little frame, and then possibly some Polyphonic Spree to try and thaw out my wretched little heart....and maybe sooth my aching brain.

A tag from SteveO

Lifted from everybody's favorite Naked Boy and also seen at Spider's:The rules are as follows:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences (#5, 6 & 7) on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab what is closest. No cheating.

"Starspun fae of the North, East, South, and West Thank you for your blessings. Blessed Be!"
Then pick up your flowers from your Faery Ring and toss them here and there. Pick up all your trash and leave the Picnic site as undesturbed and natural as possible.
- Faery Magik by Sirona Knight

Ok, so I haven't started writing Dr. Shadow's biography yet but I've been working here at home on the lines. Unfortunately it wouldn't make any sense if I left an audioblog showing ya what I'm trying to do with the character because part of it also has to do with my stance, how I hold myself bodily, facial expressions, etc. If ya thought that acting was just getting up there and saying words.....ah hell no. To me, it's an all encompassing act.

If you stand placing your weight on your left foot, and put your hands on your hips (go ahead...try it), you'll feel differently than if you stand straight backed with your hands behind your back. It's those little things that help me bring a character to life. How he moves and how he holds himself says a lot about a person in general ya know? (not to mention I have added my own little character quirks to Dr. Shadow) So, just for fun...try standing different ways and see how they make you feel. Put your chest out, push your belly out, try and walk with your hands in your pockets. Ok...heh...enough acting lessons for one day :)

Yesterday was a blur. Another weekend gone but I did get to go out with my friend/brother Desi last night for some dinner and just general hanging out. Apparently we were the only two at the coffee shop (well within the realms of my fellow employees) that liked the band last night. Sigh. Then it was off to drop off Desi and back home. Even after 2 cups of coffee, I was feeling a bit sleepy. I think it was the lamb that did it to me actually. But, instead of playing videogames, I got to chat with Rey and I feel slightly bad because I was snickering whilest watching What's Up Doc with the sound turned off. (And yes Rey, I was paying attention and actually am thinking about trying to write a short story revolving around an old folks home) Then a little Polyphonic Spree in the ol' earphones and I was out like a light.

I should be cleaning here today. What I feel like doing is going to the mall because Desi told me that they are having a clearance at Hot Topics (ok...laugh if you want but it's the only place to find gothy-ish clothing damnit!). Why is it that when I'm trying to save money people always have the sales?! Is this some odd unwritten law of the universe just to mess with all of us? Hm...

So there you have it. My most exciting weekend (not). Three weeks and I'm shooting the video. Three weeks and I am heading up to to SF to see my husband (although he still doesn't know we're married) Anthony Rapp do a signing at a bookstore. Three weeks and it's the most dreaded day I know if outside of my own birthday.....Valentine's Day (grrrr) And, I just found out from my boss that sometime in February Gilbert Godfrie (sp??) is going to be up in SF doing a comedy show...I am SO there!

So, while it may be a bad idea, I think I'm going to turn on one of my games for a little bit before doing anything because...well just because I got more than 8 hours of sleep last night and it's made me tired. (does anyone else get that? Getting more sleep than you're used to and you wake up all wonky in the brain and tired?) Ah well....

At last...the weekend

Ack. I'm lame. I meant to post the last couple of days. Last couple of days have been a bit odd in terms of me getting to bed on time and what I was doing during the evenings and before I knew it...POOF...it was bed time. Last night it was chatting with Rey (and thank ya buddy cause you always seem to make me feel better bout myself). What's worse is that I had something to write about and time just slipped away. Such as tonight. I got to talk with my little brother Ryan on the phone tonight. He always gets me laughing and I think that's another thing I really needed lately too. Good to know I have such great people in my life :) (And that goes for the rest of you as well!)

So, I may or may not be writing much in the coming weeks. I have roughly 3 weeks before we shoot the video I'm going to be invovled with. That means I have 3 weeks to learn my lines, figure out everything I can about my character (Dr. Shadow...hehe...god love the scriptwriters) and really prepare myself for this. So, I thought that what might be interesting to do here is to start writing the autobiography of Dr. Shadow. Not sure if I'm going to but if I don't, I know I'll just write it somewhere else. I mean, shit, it's going to be a 15 minute film probably. Not like I'm going to be playin Shakespeare or a historic character or anything, but I want to give it 150% ya know? Hell, I'm just honored that the band wanted me to do this for cryin' out loud.

Well, that's the plan Stan. That's my scene jelly bean. That's the downlow on this hipster's slipster. But...for tonight, I think I'm just gonna chill out a bit cause I'm waaaaay sleepy right now. I have the better part of the weekend to work on it and I know what I'll be reading over breakfast tomorrow.

Just wanted to say thank to you all by the way. You're support and kindness means a lot, and people don't say thank you enough when it comes right down to it. I'm really bad lately at commenting and emailing folks but just know you're all in my heart and my thoughts. Camilla...get well soon :) Joey...get better soon (but still make him do your laundry hehe) Atari..I hope that you start posting again sometime soon cause I really dig the site. (hm...wonder if he reads this site heh) And Secret Simon...even if you don't read this, your artwork is absolutely gorgeous.

Thumbsucking and life

I have this routine. I get off work on Tuesdays and generally head over to the video store because on Tuesday the new releases come out (same with cds). Then I hie myself home and watch one of the three (yes I always get three don't ask why because I don't know). Today was no different really. Roman Polanski's Oliver Twist came out today as did The Aristocrats (lots of comedians telling the same dirty joke) but the one I really wanted was Thumbsucker. I had heard about it and really really wanted to see it although I didn't know much about it. Now I'm glad that I did. Matter of fact it's going on my top 100 list of movies. I'll let you read the description yourself but I definately think that it's a great movie.

The movie made me do a bit of thinking. Yup, you guessed it, time to peak inside my brain again and see what's going on and ya know what? I'm not sure it's all that pretty but here we go nonetheless....

I want to thank my parents for something. They taught me how to pretend really well. Mom taught me that you can just gloss over anything, pretend it isn't there, it doesn't happen. She showed me how you pretend that everything is fine and happy, even when you're not. Maybe if you try and pretend hard enough and try and make it all sunshine and roses....but ya know it won't be that way so you just gloss over it and still pretend.

My dad? He taught me how to be a man. Yup. Men don't talk about certain things, unless they are among friends. Men don't show the pain that builds up and eats away at you until it gets to critical mass. Men get up and go to work pretending that it means something somwhere if you work hard and you'll supposedly get ahead in life. You pretend to have a life, although you do nothing more than work and come home to Tv. Being a man is about taking your lumps and keeping silent about it, and all those secret things that you have in your head? Well, let's just pretend that they are, or aren't there....but only in private.

See, I'm an entertainer at heart. I can switch before your very eyes into someone completely different if I want and part of me thinks that it was a coping mechanism. From 6th grade until my 10th grade year, I was the "fat geeky kid". Being from a family of pretenders, I was told that I could come to them with anything...yeah right. They wouldn't have known how to handle what I was thinking and going through. I liked the attention when I made folks laugh. I hated the attention when I was getting picked on and didn't know how to defend myself. Finally, I found theatre and things began to be a bit better for me but that wasn't until I was in 10th grade. At that point, all that I had seen between my parents just showed me how different I was from them and guess what....I became the pretender son.

I have no idea where life is supposed to be going for me, only where I want it to be and what I would like to be doing. I have no clue how to get there. I also don't do well in social situations where I don't know anyone very well. I became The Shadow early on, yes indeed I did. I can be the fly on the wall who hears a lot but never says a word. Conversely, I can try and be the life of the party, only inside I'm scared shitless and petrified of what other people are thinking of me and how I look.

I'm starting to think that all this "pretending" has very little to do with acting. It's about finding out who I am and how can I cope with things beyond my capabilities. And what spurred all of this? Thumbsucker. That is the reason why I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to make movies, or perform in a play, that would affect someone on this level. I haven't given up hope completely yet, but there is a large portion of me that is simply pretending that it would be nice if it happened. The other portion of me is out there looking to see where I am.

Let the whirring begin

I should be in bed. I should be asleep. I should be doing a lot of things and instead, I'm here thinking again...outloud...on the somewhat written page...or computer screen.

See, I think part of the reason I haven't just stopped blogging all together is that I use this sometimes as my sounding board, my best ventilation system if you will. And I have to admit that I do sometimes censor myself. Why? Well, I'm not entirely sure anyone always wants to hear what's going down in my head. Sometimes I don't get it, sometimes it's just too damn dark, and sometimes it's just too personal ya know? One thing I do know is this, I want an off switch at time for my brain.

Instead of going into all of what's rattling my cage right now, it's enough to say that I really need to stop talking and start walking. I mean we're already past the middle of the month here and I am no where closer to having looked for a better job yet. So, maybe I can just put this out there so I remember this as well. What is it that I want?

I want a job where I don't have to be up at the ass crack of dawn, or going in at the beginning of the night shift. I want regular hours and 40 of them a week with benefits to boot!

I want to make more than I'm currently making. This may be a sticky point but, it's what I want.

I want to be able to be creative at work. I work well with the public in general. I like entertaining folks and chatting with them. Hell, I even enjoy chatting with some of my vendors (although it's not like I'm looking to hang out with them). I guess I just get along well (for the most part) with people.

So....anyone have any suggestions? I'm not joking here folks. I don't know how to write a resume to save my life (other than for acting) so I'm sort of scared about all of this. It would be a major shift in my life but I think it's one I need to make because, while this one works...it's not really giving me what I want anymore.

Hell...maybe I just need that vacation I keep talking about. My friend J better cough up the dosh like he said he would at the end of the month. I won't be destitute if he doesn't, but it would make my life a little easier. Also would make it possible to actually get the flock out of here for a while and go somewhere. That is, if I could get over myself and allow myself to go out and just have fun for cryin out loud. AHHHHHHH! I could so use a new brain :)

Um..oops

Well, you can see there are some changes going on here. Of course, not being the smart one, I have forgotten how to change my background image....lost my list of groovenics that I read (now if I can get the damn blogroller to work maybe it's not all in vain!).

More to come, I'm sure...sigh :)

AH HA! Well, maybe I'm a smatter bear than I had originally thought. Granted took the grey cells a little foodage to get them moving properly, but hey...I got the site looking maybe 80% like I want it to. I really need to learn me some HTML and JAVA and PEARL and all those other languages they weren't teaching at my school heh.

Well the weekend is over. Sigh...another bites the dust and I fiddle-farted with this site for long enough today to actually consider it a working day. Work tomorrow but it's going to be a bit odd. I'm working with my boss tomorrow. I haven't worked with him in ages! Nice thing is that I get to keep all the tips when I work with him so...let us hope that people tip well tomorrow.

I do have a couple of things on my mind but mucking about with this has made my brain hurt so I'm going to go and email a couple of people and head to bed.

I'm still not satisfied yet with this site...but it's getting there :)

Um...hm...it's the weekend

I had something to write about but it's escaped my mind. I think actually it just drizzled out of my ear sometime earlier tonight when I went to try and find a new book to read. Seeing as I have a lot books here at my studio that I haven't read, of course I needed to hit the bookstores to see what I could find to read! Alas, alack, there were none to be found that I actually wanted. (sigh)

Well it seems I have peaked some interested over this crush I have (and it's only a slight one at that), but like anyone I have ever had a crush on...I prefer to keep it on the downlow for the moment. Just surfice to say that I think he's the cat's meow, and would love nothing more than to cuddle up with him to watch a movie on a comfy couch. And that's all I'm gonna say bout dat for the time being :)

M3 didn't show up Friday. I'm starting to wonder if he hadn't just randomly dropped into the shop last week and doesn't even live in my town. I kept hoping that he'd show up again, but, maybe this week? Hell, Ben has been dropping in again lately and I have to pat myself on the back because maybe I'm actually "over" him. We chatted briefly and joked around a bit so...who knows. I'd still like to just go out and do something (and not in that way thank you) with him, but that's up to him and not to me apparently. Sides, he's supposed to be moving to San Fran sometime.

Last night was the videogame night. I thought I was just going to play for a little but when I turned everything off....3 hours later!...it was around 1am and I was ready for a little quiet time with my earphones and my cd player. That's what I love about the weekends. I can listen to music as loud as I want going to sleep (yes I actually can fall asleep with earphones on) and not disturb anyone. Kinda blots out the world at large to tell the truth.

Oish, getting late here and I have to reread the script for Atomic Mint's video. I'm meeting tomorrow morning with the director (who happens to be a customer and is developing into a pretty cool friend) to talk about stuff. Hm...maybe if I just played 20 minutes of We Love Katamari?

Slightly comatose from a lovely night

Ah...mes amis. My friends I have just finished a lovely evening with the Bs, dining in high style (in my opinion) on some of the finest Italian food I could have imagined. (Philly get back here so we can go because you know where of I speak!) And now, stuffed to the gills with good food, good espresso, and a nice evening watching a bit of Lillith Faire at the B's....I'm nackered.

The M3 (also known as Mysterious Mr. Mocha) did not return today. I still live in hope though. Even if it was a chance meeting and he never returns, he was inspiration that I will not be single all my life as my gloomy little gothy heart sometimes thinks. Now it would be lovely if he shows back up tomorrow, or Monday, or sometime in the future in general. I'm not hedging any bets that he is "the one", but something says to take the chance with this one should he return and that's exactly what I plan to do.

My buddy Rey apparently called me last night whilest I was deep in slumberland because I didn't even know about it until I read his blog! (sorry bud but my screen goes blank so I didn't know I had a call) And this points me to this pondering for the last couple of days. I am expecting to be paid back by a friend that owes me a bit o' the dosh and I want to take that long awaited vacation. One plan is to go and see a friend of mine that opened a resteraunt in Savahna, but I also want to get around to meeting some of you fine folks out there in the (sorry Camilla and M'lady but it's not going to be that much money) US. So....if you were going to take a vacation, where would you go? I'm not going to be plush mind you, but to get away from Cali and see some of the US that I haven't seen before would be nice. Unfortunately, it's also rather chilly in most places still. I like warmer climates being an "ex" Texan hehe.

I've been thinking about money again lately because of a couple of financial setbacks. Isn't money wierd? I mean really, isn't it? If you take a dollar out of your wallet or purse and look at it, what do you see? (a non retorical question for those that want to comment on this) I'll tell you what I see. I see paper. I don't see cash, I see paper lately. We all affix a lot on this little piece of paper now don't we? We want more pieces of it. We want TONS of pieces of this paper but it's just bloody paper after all.

Pull a piece of paper out of your printer and guess what...same damn thing really. It's these odd thoughts that go through my head as I handle cash on a daily basis at the shop. Someone hands me a five and I hand them some ones and coins. You have to bundle cash a certain way to take to the banks for deposits, and after counting up say $500 in twenties (that's their bundle amount by the way)....I at least just start feeling like I'm thumbing paper and not money. Wierd. Truly wierd becuase this hits me over and over again. I'm definately not a rich man by any means, but the more I think of it, the concept of financial stability and ready currency is what I really want.

Hm...dinner has put my mind in curious places tonight. Random places where there are little boxes waiting to be opened. Not such a bad thing really because I'm finding little pieces of inspiration to do things lately. I think that my requests of the Universe are starting to come to fruition. Now, let us hope that my request for a better financial out look is coming as well. :)

And while I am at it, I think i am developing a crush. It's probably silly of me, but he seems like the sort of person I would want to attempt dating. (or at least just chill with and have a bit of coffee and talk late into the night with) Why do I mention this? I don't know. I'm sort of going on autopilot right now. Still, it's a nice feeling. Nice to feel like I have that sort of desire again and not even in a sexual way. Twould be sweet indeed. We shall see if I can do something about that as well.

Me thinks tis time for bed. Me thinks that I have one more thing to say to you all which is;

Thank you for being my friends. Thank you for all of your kindness, your shows of affection, your acceptance. It means a great deal to me.

Peace

And I said HELLO NURSE!

Now, before I get toooo deeply into this, I have to say that I run the risk now of being (insert dramatic music here) .... an optomist. Yes, yes I know I know. That little black gothy heart of mine full of misery and gloom that I brush off ever so often actually shines up rather nicely when I try. And yes, he was really cute :)

So, as fate seems to want to keep me in limbo, or simply to point out that I'm being a silly prat, today's events at the store were rather normal...until...I was getting ready to leave work and finishing up a few things. I look up at the counter and see a line of maybe 5 people that I don't know so I pay them no mind except for this one guy. He looks at me and kinda points and makes hand motions about my t-shirt (a Vampire the Masquerade shirt I stole from a friend). "Well," I think, "Now that's a nice piece of something interesting and since he seems to know what my shirt is about..."

He's ordered his drink and I'm trying to be cool about this because as he gets closer I notice he's cuter than I thought hehe. He was trying to get to the train station and ordered his Mocha (yup, you tend to notice these little things) to go. We started talking about VTM which I don't actually play but he does (and how hasn't owned something dorky in thier lives like 20 sided dice?) and I notice his necklace. Wierd what you do and don't notice isn't it? It was a series of beads each bound separately in leather and...well they looked rainbow-esque to me. "Woo hoo!", says I in my head and just as I'm about to really launch into conversation with him, hopefully finding out his name...I'm handed the phone and it's my bleeding boss wanting some information and I have to move to somewhere quieter to hear him. My mystery man left :( Now the only thing I can think right now (and have been thinking since he left) is this; 1) I should have run down to the train station after I got off the phone becuase I was technically off work, and 2) I SO hope that he comes back in tomorrow! Ah...Mr. Mocha, you are/were a dream. So maybe this is the universe's way of saying to me
"Pst. Buddy"
Me: "Huh? What?"
"It's gonna happen for ya and you'll never see it coming"

Well that was the main point of this little happy-hearted, rediculously hopefully entry. But wait! There's more.

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr. day here in the states. I'm pretty sure that he's known world wide and if not, that's rather sad. While I didn't post last night (because I kinda got into a phone conversation with Rey and then fell asleep watching tv), I meant to say something about him and more importantly heros. (Thank you Jim for being one of the few folks that mentioned him on your blog)

See, heros to me aren't the guys with rippling muscles that fly through the air. They're just what John Lennon wrote about ( I love me some Working Class Hero). They're really just folks that seem to strive harder, and sometimes have to be an insurmountable odd. I didn't get it why folks were so upset over John Lennon's death at the time. I was young and ignorant to tell the truth. Here was another man of peace, who wanted peace and spoke out about peace, gunned down. Why is it that everyone that really seems to strive to make the world a better place for people in general is cut down that way? Martin Luther King Jr is most definately a hero as was Ghandi and John Lennon. Each one of these men tried to raise the public conciousness in some way. From what I know (and those that are better with history please correct me), MLK patterned his non-violent protests after what Ghandi had done.

Heros, for me, are the amazing people that attempt to make a change in the world for the better. I'd like to be that kind of person. I arrogantly sometimes think that maybe something I write (plays, poetry, etc) will help make that sort of difference. And yes, policemen and firement? Heros. Just in what they do for a living makes them a hero to put themselves out there on the front line for people they don't know. Same goes for those people in the military as much as I dislike war...I applaud their efforts in keeping people safe from harm.

So, who are your heros? Perhaps Hellen Keller? John Kennedy? Langston Hughes? Harvey Milk? Come on....tell me. And, better if I don't know who they are because then I have more to go in search of and to be inspired by. DISH IT! :)

Lastly, a big shout out and much love even though I don't know him to Simon at Secret Simon. Go check him out. Seriously, he seems like an amazing guy.

Peace

Oh dear oh my again....

Warning! The following contains my ranting against some religious individuals, a story that may be disturbing to the sensative readers,.....and a link to see the uneditted Bareback Mountain image...in other words, gay men's wankies.

Ok...so since I editted the pict from the cover of Bareback Mountain, I decided to link it here so you naughty wicked campers could have a peek (peak?) at what the guys look like. Why did I edit it? Don't know really. Just seemed appropriate for the posting really. Am I a prude? Well considering that I was the one that "broke" the story (god I love puns), na....we all know what kinda movie this is ;) Hell, maybe I can find something new to post a picture of like maybe, King Dong (ok ya know they're bound to do it now that the movie is out and don't tell me otherwise!)

So I'm sitting here wondering something. Got a picture from the internet here of a kinda cute guy. Let's see what you think of him. Here's what I know about him. He's 18, lives in Florida, and currently has just turned himself in for possibly beating to death a homeless man and beating two others. WTF!?

What the hell is wrong with people? I can't say "kids today" because it's not just them, it's everyone. Friggin Pat Robertson saying that Prime Minister Sharon had a massive stroke because Sharon went against God's will? WTF?! The world is just get a little bit too violent and crazy for me. Even the illustrious "Christian" minister who spouts his hate messages from the 700 Club is in on the act. (can we forget that Pat also called for an assasination attempt early this year?)

So...for those that are interested, and it may piss ya off to read it, or make ya wanna cry, here's the link to this guy's story. 18 years old and he's caught on video beating a homeless guy with what could be a baseball bat.....there goes two lives. Story here.


See, I know that there are some folks out there who watch the 700 Club and were saying to themselves "Yup. That Pat Robertson is absolutely right! Mm-hm" And that's what really bothers me the most. I personally have nothing against Christians, or Muslims, or Hindus, or any other religious ideology for that matter. The fact that I was "raised" Christian ... well I do think that the ideas are good ones to some degree but ya just get these guys that want to twist the religious beliefs to their way of thinking and well...that don't exactly sound too Christian to me if ya want my opinion on it. I just don't get it. And people will believe these guys too, that's the worst of it. Sounds like a lot of Baaaa Baaaaa Baaaa. (and that's only for the ones that won't think for themselves!) oish....sigh...grrrrrrr

Wow. I'm apparently a bitter bitter man hehehe. The weekend has come and gone and I'm getting ready to sit down with a nice box of take out Chinese food (mmmm Spicy General Chicken), and possibly watch a movie as I prepare for the week to come. Seeing as I bought a lottery ticket for last night's draw, I should find out I'm $71 million dollars richer tomorrow. Woo...boy howdy do I crack me up! Definate knee slapper that one...

Ok, I think I need to eat and go to bed. :)

Dear God they went and did it...

Now you knew that this was bound to happen didn't you babies? Yup, yours truly found an ad for this new little ...um...gay movie (sheepishly grinning). And you thought I wouldn't have to say something about it? Well hell folks, the jokes have been happening left and right so here it is...the gay porn you've been waiting for (carefully editted by moi)



Now how's that for a kick in the head? Everyone and their dogs have been making fun of the title of Brokeback Mountain calling it Bareback and I should have known that it wasn't going to be long before this damn thing happened. Mind you, being a pristine young thing, I don't watch these kind of movies...um...yeah.

What I had actually entended to blog about was how the night happened to turn for me. See, it didn't start out all that great. I had issues with the coinstar machine but they did manage to get it working again and I came out $134 richer. See what happens when you save your loose change?! So feeling a little more plush I went to dinner and devoured at least another third of An Actor's Guide To Greed. It's the third in the series and so far one of my favs! (great series by the way...fun mysteries and they definately have me chuckling!). So I thought I would pop down to the shop for a little cup o' coffee and maybe a bit more of a read.

Who did I bump into but my friends the Bs. Apparently they had just finished dinner up but came in for a cupper with me and we sat there having a chuckle and working on a Sudoku puzzle until the band started up. What's wierd is that we almost always have jazz bands play on Friday and Sat. nights. Most of them I could do without. These guys tonight though were something a little different. It was a quintet of two guitars (accoustic), one standing bass, and the leader on violin. There is something oddly infectious about that combo. It's sort of like listening to the soundtract of a Woody Allen film (say something like Radio Days). And they were really good too! So that was my night so far. And now, I'm gearing up to do a little bit of ritual work for my beautiful Goddess who's face I can't see tonight because of the rain.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I think that things are starting to shape up a little for me lately. (finally got the script for the video I'm going to be shooting and it's a kicker!)

Lastly, a very Happy Belated Birthday wish to my darling Camilla. (Flowers and Champagne on the way sweetness!)