You might ask yourself, "what is a guy that get's up at 5am every weekday doing up at 11:30 pm on a Friday night and he's not out having fun?" Well....I said you might ask yourself that. (secretly I ask myself that question a lot) The answer is....
*insert dramatic music here*
...thinking.
See, there are things that I really miss about my old life. I know I mentioned my being in theatre before but the fact of the matter is that I started acting (and was extremely horrible! I mean I really sucked) when I was in the 7th grade. From then on I kept up with it until the year 2000. Now, 7th grade for me was in 1978. You do the math here folks. That meant that for almost half of my life I was invovled somehow in theatre. I even spent 10 years working for a theatre out here building sets, doing sound and makeup designs, and yes...acting. It was something that I was told I was good at actually. I miss acting and the rehearsals and the backstage bs that happens. I really do. I did go back and do a production of A Christmas Carol a few years ago. I liked the show and liked being in it (playing Ebeneezer Scrooge is a kick and a bitch at the same time). I've done that show (being at my old theatre) a whopping 8 years total. Then....theatre was just gone from my life. Now I have to make a decission about going back to it.
When I was there at acting and working for the theatre, I had a family. Sure we were kinda wierd, but we were a family and I really felt like I fit in. The big problem is and was, it just doesn't pay. I'm feeling all pathetic here when I say this but....am I really willing to put out all the extra time for rehearsals and the performances for no money? How can you reconcile an empty stomach when you know you have to be up at 5am Monday through Friday, then try and remember to eat before rehearsals so you aren't completely obliterated the next day? And believe me folks...rehearsals can be grueling. Performance scheduals can be worse. You don't really get out of there until the audience is gone and sometimes that puts me getting home around 11pm.
What do you do? How do you not run yourself ragged doing what makes you money, keeps you in your place to live, and gives you the food to eat...and still try for the dream? Yes. I am a wimp. I like sleep. I like my free time. I also know that I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be doing other than I was trained as an actor. I'm scared of "making it" because I don't know how that would affect my life. I'm scared of "not making it" because then it seems my life was just a dream of being an actor. Go for it? Resign myself to the fact that what I do now isn't so bad? It's a tough call that I don't know how to make anymore. I feel like I am getting too old too fast and that life is going to slip past me and I'll have nothing. Scared of losing everything I have now because I'm out there trying to get acting work and make money at it and a name for myself. Hell...I got a bad enough time sometimes paying the bills I have without extra worries like headshots, and trying to arrange time off for auditions, etc.
I look around at my friends out here (and while they are a handfull of people I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for them), and realize that they all have someone else to fall back on. Yup, all my good friends here are couples. Only one set are actors (well Doll is an actress but you know what I mean). Hell, one owns his own damn townhouse. The other two sets live relatively well and happily. I got my studio. If I fuck up (pardon my french), I'm done for. There is no safety net for me. Some people seem envious of me living alone but they don't know the wierd sacrifices I make to do it. (not to mention that when i was looking for a place to live, there weren't any options of roommates in my friends) I've been homeless twice in my life and I swore after I got this place that it would NEVER happen again to me. I've never been late on rent, or had the power cut off, or the phone although they threatened and I managed to somehow find the money. I haven't borrowed money from anyone in probably 4 years now. That I can be proud of. Just seems that I watch my dreams die a little more every year though. Life just became about going to work and making the money and trying to go out when I can if I can get my friends to go with.
I honestly don't know what to do because theatre and acting are like an addiction. It was something I felt so passionally about that it eats at me. If I could live my dream then my life would be lived through being creative be it acting, or writing, or making music. Maybe that's why they're called dreams though? Maybe it's because the reality is that I do what I do to keep myself afloat and alive. Hell, I even thought about taking a different job, one that pays better, but doing what?
It's getting chilly outside now. Getting to the time of year that all this shite just creeps up on me again and again and....I know that soon it's goint to be a new year and I'll ask "What have I done with my life?" and the answer is generally..."nothing". Hell, maybe I just need things to ease up on me for say..4 months. Get my head put back together a little more ya know?
So the fun thought of the post is this. If you have any questions about what it's like to be on stage, or what it's like to do a show, or be an actor. Let em rip. I'll do my best to answer whatever questions you throw my way.
4 comments:
I always liked the cast party at the end of the play. They were always kind of sad because it was over, but we always ended up getting drunk and having a good time. It's a big commitment I don't think at this point of my life I could go back. I have a hard enough time to get a hair cut, there is no way I'd be able to fit all that in again. It was fun while it lasted but I need to pay rent and eat.
Heh..well I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about the haircut myself but I hear ya.
Always interesting the things I found out about folks. I don't think you ever once mentioned theater in your blog.
Hell...maybe I should move to Toronto, see if you could get me a job where you work, and then keep auditioning for Cirque till I make it in? LOL
I don't think I'd like being a producer much. Way too behind the scenes for me heh. Sides...lack o' fundage :)
I have been asking myself the same kinds of questions a lot lately... I haven't been on stage myself in 3 years now. And I am really starting to miss it. Doing makeup for Shady Shakes this summer is the closest I've come to a theatre commitment in a long time. And just being there, backstage, in the middle of all the excitement and even all the bullshit drama... it felt like being home again. Like I didn't even realize I was missing it. It feels good to be a part of something like that... and then every night I would come home and go right back to being dysfunctional and depressed and isolated. And I thought, what if I was doing this for real? Rehearsing and performing for weeks on end, for an entire production. Could I really do it? It's an intimidating commitment, I must admit. But... I miss having that drive, that kind of passion about something in my life. I miss the community. There is such a emptiness in my life without it. I just... don't know if I still have it. I mean maybe I lost it. Maybe I never was that good... I mean I was always "just a kid" right? sigh. I don't know.
Honestly, I don't know how they do it. I mean some of our family... so many of the theatre crowd really... I mean it's just one show after another. Acting or designing or stage managing or teching or something. It's crazy. It's exhausting. And god knows it doesn't pay anything. I love theatre, I do. I am passionate about it and I want it in my life, but I agree with you, I can't see giving up that much of my time, sleep, freetime, whatever, just because. Not all the time anyway. I love theatre but I'm not that stupid anymore. That's just insanity. There's a lot to be said for not missing a rent payment or having your utilies cut off... I think that's an accomplishment in itself, hon.
And I understand all the reasons you're faced with for *not* doing it... it's totally valid. And I'm having a hard time myself making a decision about taking the next step to go and audition. All I know is... I miss you. I miss our theatre family being together and I really really miss seeing you on stage. You are such brilliance on stage, it moves me to tears. Hell, your readings at the coffee shop make me misty and nostalgic for the smell of a fog machine. There's so many reasons why we both haven't gone back, but so many reasons why I want it back... I want so badly to be back on stage with you Michael. I mean... I know it's hard to jump back into it. But I just can't believe that we'll never do it again. I have to hope that someday we'll both be back home together, like it used to be...
It's that time of year... I'm really feeling it right now because I'm getting all ansty about the upcoming Christmas Carol. Normally it would be another year gone by, been there, done that... but this year I'm really tempted. With James directing, I think it will be really different. It could be an amazing cast, an amazing show. I know he wants you to be in it so bad. If you audition, I will too. I mean, no guarentees I'll get in or that any of this will ever happen... but just think of it. sigh.
Oh god. It's late. I'm gonna stop now. I love you Morph, and if anyone could make these dreams come true, it would be you. I believe that.
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