On being gay

Ok...well I need to try here to recreate a post that I deleted. I wrote it Friday night after I went and saw Mrs. Henderson Presents with my friend. I finished writing it all and then, ya know how some things just bug ya and won't let go? Well I woke up thinking about what I had written, and how I thought it sounded and I took it down. So why am I going to try and recreate it? My friend Chryssa (my babydoll sister) had seen it and thought it had a lot to say for itself. Well the Goddess love her because she's so right about some things. This is essentially my diary that I'm allowing folks to read. It's me putting my thoughts and feelings out there. And ya know I love me some Chryssaburger.

So I went to see Mrs. Henderson Presents with my friend. I had a great time just hanging out with him because I hardly ever seem to get that chance. We chatted about a lot of stuff over dinner, saw the movie (which was brilliant and I love Dame Judy Dench even more now), and then grabbed some coffee afterwards. Now I feel that he and I have gotten to a point where we can talk about anything and I'm so glad for that because...he's straight and I'm not. Now here's the secret, which probably isn't such a secret to him.....I'm sooooo in love with him. I'm in love with my best friend who's straight. The thing is that it goes deeper for me than just "being in love" and being all ga-ga about him. It's to the point that I honestly don't think about him sexually. Kinda funny if you're in love with someone but it's gotten to that point for me. I can't say that I would turn him away if the offer was made, but it's not something I think about ever really. (and yes he's incredibly attractive but you'll have to take my word for it) I'm just glad that I have someone to love this much, who cares in his own way for me...and that's enough for my mind.

So he and I were talking about gay movies and gay books and I started thinking. See, I have read my fair share of "gay" novels, and seen a lot of "gay" movies. His comment was "I don't care who you put your dick in, just make the story interesting." Well he's right. There are gay authors who write gay novels about gay men and ya know what? A lot of them are just crap. I'm tired of reading about the guy dying of AIDS who's heroic boyfriend struggles on afterward, the big flamboyant bitchy character, how hot the sex between the two is. Who cares? When did we stop being people and become simply our sexualities?

I don't fit in with the "gay community" because I don't wear the right sort of clothing. I don't listen to the right artists or the gay icons. I don't really particularlly like Madonna (although there are some catchy tunes I do dig) and the same goes for Cher. So what?! I don't have the best body in the world but I'm not going to go to the gym 7 times a day to look like what someone else thinks should be attractive. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda guy. If I had hair on top, I wouldn't have my hair cut to the "latest gay fashion". I don't go to the bars looking to hook up everynight although that seems to be what is expected to some degree. I really couldn't give a rats ass about it. If I'm drinking something from a company that isn't gay friendly, so what? If I like it, I'm going to drink it. When did I become the outsider within my own community?

When I was younger and just coming out, I listened to a group called Romanofsky and Phillips. They sang gay songs about gay things and I loved it. Well I got pretty damn tired of it after a while. I branched out musically again because it's like eating only rice everyday for every meal. There seems to be this idea that if it's gay, it's good. We shouldn't buy this product, buy that one because it's gay friendly right? I've seen enough crap films to tell you that just because it's about "gay issues" doesn't make it worth watching. Why do I find that I'm trying to pigeon hole myself within what should be my own community? Everything gay is automatically good, or should be bought, or listened to? Um....not in my world really.

So gay pride? Do I have gay pride? Am I proud to be gay? Not really. I'm me. I'm not my sexuality. I thought that gay pride was about unity for all of the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgener folks out there in the world. It's not about going out on Pride weekend and getting hammered because it's another reason to party like it's St. Patrick's day. It's about all of us coming together and saying "Hi there. We're people just like you. Take a chance and get to know us. Ya might just like us." Certainly there are the stereotypes that sometimes stick out, but hey, that's part of it too? There's the angry gay men, militant lesbians, drag queens, go-go lookin boys, leather daddies, twinks....that US. (That's the whole damn world actually.) Ya know what does bring some swelling to my heart when I see the parade? It's seeing an Asain guy walking with his drag queen black boyfriend laughing it up with a leather daddy who's got his arm around a Jewish lesbian who's kissing her Persian girlfriend. THAT makes me proud. The fact that we actually CAN come together...but we forget that. It's about the fact that they may all be gay or whatever, but they are simply people coming together in unity. That to me is pride. So do I have gay pride? I have pride in me as a person more than I do in being gay, but I won't deny that I am a gay man. (unless I'm actually physically in danger) A guy I know told me I had "internalized homophobia" because I told him some of this once. Nope. Don't think so. I'm just me as a person who is gay who doesn't want to be a sheep. And that, is how I am proud to be gay.

The truth is that out there in the world there is nothing more, nothing less than people. There are fellow human beings. Some are fat, some are not so attractive, some are drop dead gorgeous, some are just average, rich, poor, black, white, sheepish, aggressive, etc. Why can't we just take a little time and try to remember that and find some unity in it? All of this because I love my friend beyond all belief. He's straight, and I am gay. In the long run, I will never get over him. That's ok actually. No one will ever be him for me, but there's gonna be some guy out there who's just as wonderful...just not the same. I may be an "outcast" because I want to be me more than I want to be a sexuality, but I know there is a guy out there waiting for me...and me for him.