Back to normal...whatever that is

Photo by Kelly Stern

I'm tired and my feet hurt and ya know what? I hate my life. Not in the sense of everything is wrong and life is shit but in the sense that I'm missing the guys I met this weekend.

I've lived in California now for around 20 years and never once had I been in a gay bar, partied on the Castro, or been to a Pride parade. The weekend was a blur of activity for me and for a person that sits at home a lot...it was magic. I had a really hard time leaving Rey and Darryl last night after watching the end of a lesbian hip-hop group at the after parade street fair. I couldn't believe that I wasn't going to have them call me up and ask where I was. I couldn't believe that these two amazing guys weren't going to be in California.

I walked to my car and started to pull out on the highway when it all hit me really hard. I for once started to cry. All the warmth that I had felt from everyone seemed to be gone all of the sudden and I found myself alone listening to Nick Kershaw singing "Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, even if it was for just one day?". Then it really hit home. For three days I wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. It was alright to be myself and be gay. I knew that I honestly was not alone in the world. How do you step back into your old life when that has happened to you? I cried as I drove and thought of the PFLAG group and what it actually meant. Love. I cried as I thought about how people cheered joyously for the drag queens and what that meant. Love. And I cried because it all seemed that I had to go back and be what other people expect me to be, and know that I was the "token" gay guy in a sense at work this morning. I can't begin to tell you how much just this little time had meant to me.

I'm a very quiet person I've come to realize. I don't do well in social settings where I don't know people well. I don't drink, or rather, rarely and if I have to drive I pretty much just don't. Tends to make me feel a bit boring to some degree, but given the chance, I would throw myself into the frey (which makes my blog seem much more appropriate to me now) and just say "fuck it". Unfortunately, I've become the kind of person that seems to think in terms of "be safe, be careful, don't do this, don't do that". And I suppose knowing my own body and how it reacts to things...well, I just know my own limitations. Still, I honestly wish that I could have opened up a bit more and had been able to push that comfort zone to the limits. Guess that's what come of living alone for 3 years eh? hehe.

So, today I read the blog updates, realized that I honestly loved these guys I had met this weekend, and hoped beyond hope that maybe I can push out of my shell. I miss the Darrens. Two sweet guys and I should have gone off with Darren #2 when he asked me to wander with him yesterday. (not like that damnit..sheesh...dirty minded gits) And I would have liked to have had a chance to really talk to Atari for a while. Jeff, and Doug, and Kelly from Canada were amzing guys that kept me smiling and just had this great energy the couple of times I saw them. And finding myself suddenly talking to Dan and Adam from Texas? Felt like a little piece of home actually. All these amazing guys that came out here for Pride.

It feels like something has ended, but, I know that it's actually just begun in a wierd way. The guys that live here, up in the city (SF) were just as amazing and warm as I had heard. And maybe it's spurring me on now that I have driven up there 4 times in the past 3 days to just get the hell out of this little boring place I live and actually start living. Seems that I forget to do that and just work and go home and then work and on the weekend maybe go see a movie. I know that I'd like nothing better than just to sit around and jaw it a while with Jr and Kalvin, give Kelly another giant hug because he really is quite huggable, talk to Chad about his ghost, and get to know Dan when I'm not zoned out completely. Hopefully this is going to happen. Whether or not you guys read my post, I just want to say thank you.

So pride? Ya, there's going to be another long post about it. It has an entirely new meaning to me actually. And for once, I do feel a sense of pride and a sense of community. So if there is anyone out there that thinks they are all alone in being gay. Anyone that feels like they are the only one and that they don't fit because of whatever reason...you're wrong. And any time you're feeling lost and alone because of it, you just come over here to my place and I'll make sure that while we sit around having a cupper together, you leave with a great big hug.

Peace