Monday

It's the memory of the night walking by the water talking with Selene and realizing that I don't spend that time anymore. Why? It's not as if She was any less important now. As a matter of fact, I think that sometimes my Dieties are now more important at this time than ever. I felt so connected at that point. I felt that I heard Her talk to me. Was it only my mind? If so, I don't care because the things I heard made sense, helped me figure things out, muddle through them all.

This season is a confusing one. It's that time where I feel I have to give something to my blood relations whether or not I want to. Do I? Well, partially yes, but the sense of not knowing them anymore to some degree makes this all the more difficult. How do I go looking for that present that says "Mom", or "Brother and Wife", even "Nephew" when I don't know what they are doing anymore or what their interests are. Of course, it's not really like they are making the effort either except for Mom.

The only saving grace was that I felt rather Christmasy by sending out cards again this year. Now I wonder if they look silly, or stupid, or egotistical. I suppose I'll find out soon enough. But I felt I needed to do something, to say something. Maybe I just need a bit of decoration here, but there's limitted space and until I move into something bigger and better, a tree would be in the way.

I sat singing tonight with friends at the shop. Silly stuff, but it was nice. There's a wierd feeling to be had for finding yourself syncronized with folks in voice. We made up lyrics on the fly, doo-wopped a bit, and laughed a lot. Could I honestly go back to performing? Do I have that in me anymore? Part of me craves that artistic outlet. I want the stage again, but it comes with a price that's rather heavy. Loss of time, lack of sleep, possibly lack of income and I think I've just become too lazy. I look for a muse and then think in a second later, what's the point. Didn't we play this game once before? Haven't I grown up some and moved into something new? So why does it still pull at me?

I need more moonlit walks. I need more forests and rivers and pathways to wander while I talk. Concrete surrounds me a great deal and my own little garden is looking cold and lonely. I know it will come back and I will want to be out there more, but now it's simply something I have to tend until Spring when it will come back to me.

I wish I knew where the muses went. Did I turn my back on them? They turn their backs on me? Where is it? Where did I lose myself again to the world? Something must be done but I don't know what it is. In the meantime, I shall try again and again to be the person I want to be. I'll be the one that tries to live the proper way, give a little more, do the things I always thought should be done. To hell with money. What's it anyway but paper with only the value that we put on it. I hate it, but I hate feeling helpless without it. I know I need to push myself more...I'm just stuck in a rut spinning my wheels and trying to get myself out of the mud.

Reminder: You have people that love and care about you whether or not you know it. You have people that love and care about you when you think maybe you don't. You are NOT alone in all of this. Be thankful, and show them that you love them too.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be loved.