More interesting facts about me

I've realized lately that I'm a wigger. No, I don't wear them, I wig. I freak out and worry a lot. I'm constatly unsure of how people are going to take things that I say, which could possibly be the reason I tend to not say a lot sometimes. It's hard to actually communicate, especially on the computer.

Hell, for me, I take things at face value. If you tell me that you're straight, you're straight. Tell me that you're bi, and then say you don't sleep with men....well then what the hell are you talking about? How the hell can you say that you're bisexual and you don't sleep with both sexes? Just how does this work? I know that it keeps cropping its nasty head up every now and then that it's popular to say you're bi even if you aren't. Goddammit though, don't say it if it's not true for christ sake. Oish. See what I mean? Communications. Oish.

So, I'm usually worried that people take things the wrong way when I say them/type them. I think I have asked a friend on a board maybe 3 times already if he realizes that I'm not "perving" on him. Hell, I'll tell him he's cute, but it just means that to me. Not like he'd be into me (especially because he wants a girlfriend), but I worry. Guess my online nature takes over and my hands get me into trouble. (and if that's not Freudian I don't know what is)

So I was gonna reveal facts about me right? Ok. You see my picture. Well what you don't see is that I wig (heh), and I have been told by most of my friends that I "think too much". Ya see, when you don't think you're attractive, and more on that later, you tend to stay up in your head a lot because you don't see the ryhme or reason to tell someone you think is cute that little fact. So I'm an emotional cebreal person I guess. Go fig, I'm a Cancer/Leo cusp.

Now, don't get me wrong about me being unattractive. I'm not ugly. I just don't see what other folks seem to see. I think I'm very plain and average. Ok, I'm 6'4"ish but you can still be the "plain jane" at that height right? And I was insecure when my hair started leavin me. Unfortunately it's just something you get used to. Now it's shave down look for the most part for me. Still, i do have the odd occaission when I think I do look good. Mostly it's when I decide to wear something other than jeans and T-shirts. Really, I think that's why I love the goth look. Tis romantic period to me. Ah well, I got off track.

What i meant to be saying was about the past, my past. I remember being in 5th grade and being happy. The shit hit the fan in 6-10th. I got fat. I really did, and I got picked on by bullies at school and I wasn't one of the "popular" kids cause I was too damn awkward. If it hadn't have been for theatre, I don't think I would have made it out a live in some ways. The chance to channel all these feelings that I keep pent up in me and release them, well it was kind a blessing. Even though I had a "girlfriend" in high school, I knew I was gay. That sucked as well back then. Funny when you look at your past and realize that you were probably in love with some of your best friends eh?

Found out the hard way that I was an outsider and a wierdo in college (well the 2 years I went) but I finally found some folks that allowed me to be me. Here's the best part of all of this, they weren't in theatre. That's right, even in the theatre department I was the "wierd one". How fucking pathetic is that? Well ya know what? Fuck them. They were mostly preppy types and I found that I had friends that were *gasp* Punk! New Wave! GOTH!! Let's just say that I attribute my musical taste and eclectic sense of what to listen to to my friend Jim from college. He gave me my first taste of goth/new wave and I haven't looked back since.

This isn't turning out the way I thought it was going to. Just me rambling again. I want to divulge and be as open as some people that I read, but I just find me rather boring sometimes. Funny thing is that others don't. Ok, last facts about me for the night so I can play some Batman...

I have a dark side. I'm not always the happy go lucky guy. I have bouts of depression that seem to come from nowhere in particular and they sneak up on me. At that point, I turn even deeper inward. I shut things and people out so I can cope with whatever it is. Bad trait but my friend once told me "No one wants to be around someone who's depressed" so I just keep it in until I can get a handle on it.

I have a long fuse, but I sometimes explode when it all gets too aggrivating. The moment I vent, I'm better and the angst is usually gone. I hardly ever yell at anyone. I don't think I have ever hit anyone in my life. I know I haven't ever been in a fight. I think the most amazing revenges to take against those that have done me wrong, but I'll never do anything. It's not worth it. I learned that a long time ago the hard way.

I'm a pagan. I follow a couple of aspects of the Moon Goddess. Laugh if you want but religion is what keeps you going whatever form it takes for your life. I'm partially a Buddhist because the philosophy really makes sense to me. I'm a cat person. I do like dogs though. I believe in the fact that everything is possible. Just because I haven't seen or experienced it doesn't negate it.

I used to be an actor. I used to work in theatre building sets, designing sound designs and makeup designs, and acting on stage. I even directed a couple of one acts. I used to be a raver to some extent. Yes, I was the guy that would go and take a hit of "things", but only one. I like being in relative control and I understand how my body functions under these "things". I would dance and dance, and chat it up with people. Then things turned really bad but that's for another time.

So now? I want to do more writing. I want to be back in theatre, or at least something creative. I work at a coffee shop usually from around 5:3am-1:00pm. I watch a lot of movies and play my PS2, and well...blog here.

And I really do appreciate my friends. Without them, I am toast. It was be a really bleak world without the wonderful folks that I call friend. So, my love to them.