World AIDS Day

Feeling as if I am the last to know this. Torrow is World AIDS Day. Thanks to my friend Rey for posting the link below. Please go there and light a candle. Share a story if you have one. Mine goes out to Gerald...my beautiful friend who is missed still.

https://www.lighttounite.org/

Thursday...and a secret revealed

Phase one of my Christmas plans in action. Now I have to get the photo together for my cards. And why send them? Because people need to know, even if only at one or two times of the year how special they are. How even if you don't talk for long periods of time that they are cared for and thought about. And it's Christmas for cryin out loud! Last year, there was no spirit for me....but this year I want to wrap up presents for the world!

My man....Jon :) What can I say other than I'm dreaming of the time Jon and I can be together. Fantasy of sitting infront of a fire on Christmas eve with all our loved ones with us...together. I wish I knew how to truly say to him how much I love him and how much he means to me. Maybe that's the essence of love though that there are no words....just feeling. All I know is that he makes me happy, makes me feel like everything is all right. Just looking at his picture does this to me. "Is that the way love acts?" someone asked me...my answer is, "Fuckin A right it is!"

What to do about the family? The blood relatives. Presents need to be sent. I need to get a passport as well, and expidited because I'm getting sent for 4 days to Costa Rica in January. (at least it's going to be warm!) Mostly business going to see production at one of the farms we buy coffee from, but there is a few days freetime for me and my coworker. So how do I afford presents, passport, and still manage things like rent, utitilities? Guess that's what Christmas is about though...cause I don't really care about the money that much. Rent being paid and the phone and PG&E....I've learned to eat creatively when need be.

My little brother Ryan said in a comment " i love buyin gifts they feelin it gives me inside kinda like when mikeys near." (Mikey being his boyfriend) and he's right. I think that feeling of finding just the right thing for someone. Or surprising someone that wasn't expecting anything and watching their eyes light up. That's my joy on Christmas and giving presents. Yes I am also greedy and love getting presents, but to some degree I actually prefer the giving. This year having someone I feel so committed to in love, well I want to shower my babe with presents but I'm not sure the pocket will allow that. Maybe it's time to get creative again.

There is so much love. So much love flowing lately just in general that I feel that the world must be gearing up for something wonderous. Collective mind attempting to make changes for the better. Certainly the news can be proof of the opposite, but if we could all just work together...just that little time taken thinking about making the world a more loving place? Hell, then maybe it would be Christmas every day. Or at least, we could have a little more peace and understanding and that's not so bad either.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday and it's cold

Damn it's cold in here. I want to lite my oven up just to heat the studio, turn on my space heater, wrap myself in a blanket with hot tea..and hopefully then my hands won't feel like they're slightly disconnected from my body (and more feeling will flow into the ends of my fingers).

I'm back to money as an issue. The more I try and save, the more I want to spend. Christmas an all that coming. Cards need to be made. I hate traditional cards, and I have the program but what's the picture?? I have an idea or two. And the realization that i need adresses, and then to get them all to the post office by next week. Yeah....I want it done early. I want to send them to my friends and family. I want to do more though.

I took down a post yesterday because i hated how it read. Part of the jist was the want to have a wad of cash to blow on presents for those folks that I love and adore. I know that I have the ability to get a few presents, but it always gets to me a little that I can't seem to do what I want at Christmas. God save me if I had an actual credit card. Folks would think I was a millionare. So much I feel I want to do, and there is time to do it...and I'm tired after work, and I should eat better so I'm not tired after work, and I should push myself....but not today. That seems to be the motto and it has to change starting tomorrow. I was always good at pushing myself at the theatre, now I just have to learn it again.

And then, there's my man. My man that makes me feel something that I haven't felt in possibly 7 years. We laugh together, talk late into the night, and somewhere in that wierd void of the phone...he's there next to me. I can feel him there, but I can't touch him like I want to. Yeah, sometimes in a dirty way but mostly just to have him in my arms. Be able to kiss him gently as he sleeps so as not to wake him up. I feel like he's brought something back to life in me that I had forgotten or thought had died a long time ago. I'll find a way though. I may be stupid romantic, but I honestly feel that love CAN conquer anything. It just takes some time sometimes.

And ya know, I am still thankful for little things. I think about the people I met at Pride last year and know how really great this group of guys are, even if I'm a slug who doesn't call them or hang out with them. And I have Dan and Hawley and my nephew nearby, which is really nice to me. And I have my family that for whatever may come in this stupid world...we are the Endless and always will be connected. And all this makes me happy. And all my friends make me happy. And all the new people I'm meeting make me happy. So who says that you need tons of cash and flashy cars and all that rot? Momma Universe done provide, and that my friends is pretty damn cool in my books.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD!! Be Loved!

A New Name

And the ponderment begins. I wanted to change the title of my blog. I'm tired of people hitting my site because they want to know something about a rock group. Silly, but it bothers me. Do I do it? And the oddest thing is would people still be able to find me if I do? Still the same site adress I suppose, but I think it's time to change it.

Certainly I am still in the frey. I am going through it constantly in life. But now, my life has changed. Things are better. I am growing more I think. And he is there as well and it doesn't seem to lost anymore.

And where am I going? No clue still, but I know that there is something greater out there on the horizen. I can feel it. I can almost taste it at times. Now if I can only get there, not lose the momentum. Stretch myself a bit more. Grow further.

I want so much at times, but don't know how to get it. I see how to and then lose sight of it. Hopes and dreams, wants and desires. Dreams. Dreams are the constant. Now to turn those into realities, by what? By my own power. I know that I have it within me, and I'm trying to tap into it, but it's difficult sometimes. I lose sight of things as I get caught up in day to day life and forget my self. But I know that the Universe has better things planned for me and I simply have to find my way with Their help....and that of friends and family.

Do I get misread at times? Yeah, I think so. It's hard to understand context and tone when reading someone's post at times. I worry that people might read the opposite of what I feel, or misunderstand what it is I'm feeling, or simply not get it. Hard to write from an emotional place when it is that of joy, or contentment, or love. I'm still in a state of where I am just happy. I'm happy with the knowledge that I am loved by a lot of people, and love so many as well. And so, through this thought I think that this site's name will change. It will have something to do with love, and the night, and the moon because She is my love and heart.

Religious belief and faith are difficult at best at times. She is the major constant though. She who has talked with me, listened to my voice and offered up council, and yes even comforted me at times. I could gaze at her for hours on end. Selene is my mother, and friend, and shoulder at times. I am so greatful for my faith, and it's only getting stronger lately. And I am lucky that I can turn my face up and see Her almost every night.

So, I believe I have found the name. Spontaneous as it just was to me. Through The Night By Moonlight. And that is how I hope to go. Hand in hand with so many people, holding my man with my arm across his shoulder closely, and walking down a path with the ones I love laughing and contented.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day. It's come and gone. It was quiet for me. Nice too. Piece and quiet sort of is needed at times. The world get so hectic with work, and this and that. A lovely bit of lamb for dinner, some chicken stock simmering on my stove, and talking with people on the phone made the day enjoyable.

Time used to be linear. Now, it seems it's faster or slower, not constant. A minute talking with him on the phone has actually been a hour. And I slip through time again and again catching those minutes in my hand, and holding them for all they're worth.

News from the homefront seemed disheartening to some degree. They are after all my blood relations and family. Now I have to contend with the knowledge that I should have been more accepting, more forgiving, a better person to some degree. It's not that anyone is dead or diing, but still, where the hell is my compassion? Where did I lose myself again and again and again? I picked up a spell book for the first time in I don't know how long today and realized what I have the potential to do. I think it's time.

But I am thankful. I have friends that while they may be next door or miles away are amazingly sweet and caring. I have the fam that while I do not see them often, are there reguardless. I have a love, someone that hides away in my heart to make me smile. Who could ask for more than that? What do I need with prestige or fame? I am loved, and I love them all back. If that is not something to be thankful for, what is?

I feel as if I slipped away again. I don't know where I went exactly, but I need to pull myself back. It happened once before and I swore I wouldn't do it this time around. And I have him there, someone to remind me of why I need to be better. After all, I want him to have a man that he can be proud of.

There are so many people to say I love you to and thank for being my friends. When the day is over, and it's quiet in the world and I can finally think, it's thought of my baby and my friends. Certainly I want things for myself. I want better than I have at the moment, but that can come in time. And if I never have it? Would I rather be rich and famous and not have these people or my babe? No. I'd rather be poor, content, and have the love I feel for and from people. That's what I need to remember.

So thank you. Thank you little brother. Thank you Mikey. Thank you Rey. Thank you Jim. Thank you Steve. Thank you Kalvin. Thank you Dan. Thank you Alden. Thank you Ari. Thank you Miladsya. Thank you Brad. Thank you Nathan. Thank you Simon. Thank you Gerald, you are not forgotten although not with us now. Thank you Francesco for reminding me of the power of faith (whether you know it or not). Thank you Sue. Thank you Pete. Thank you Philly. Thank you J. Thank you Dan and Hawley. Thank you Chryssa, my little sister. Thank you James, my brother. Thank you Doll, my sister who I wish I could tell how much I truly love. Thank you Dave, my brother. Thank you all who instill in me feelings of being cared for and loved that I may not have mentioned. There really are so many of you out there to say thank you to.

Thank you babe. You took me from a place where I was drifting and brought me back to life whehter you knew it or not. Good times or bad, we'll go through it together. I'm there to lift you up, just as I know you're there to do the same for me. I can't think of anything else to be more greatful or thankful for.

I am sentimental. I am sappy. I am a big push over at times. But to feel this much love reminds me that I am alive, and that is good. I hope that everyone's day was fill with joy, and food, and festivities...or simply a time to sit and relax, to smile, to just be. And if there was anyone left orphaned as so many of us can be at the holiday times...you do have a family, and you are loved, if only by we fellow solitary few.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!

Saturday night

Feeling like I should write something. Feeling like there is more to be told but for some reason it's not being told to me by me. One of those odd feelings of knowing that there is something on your mind that seemed important but obviously it was fleeting.

Tomorrow I will wake early. I plan on 6:30am on a Sunday, one of my day's off when I can sleep in. Why? Because I'm a fool who wants to own a Nintendo Wii. What silliness this is in reality. It's just as silly as wanting to see a movie opening day, when you know that you would see it any other given day. There's no need to own it tomorrow. There is simply a want.

While the day was mellow today, and I did sleep past when I normally would have been up any day during the week, I feel tired. I feel slightly off today because I haven't actually heard his voice today. Long talks into the night definately make up for the lack of sleep I sometimes have. And there is always the option of a nap midday any given day of the week. Still, I miss it. Perhaps that's the problem. I want him here now. Right now it's not feasable, but it's what I wish for. Why? Because I want to have him there to wake up next to.

Finally, tonight, someone seemed excited for me again. At work I showed my coworker the picture I have in my wallet and she smiled and said how happy she was for me. It's nice to hear after being ignored to some degree, or had my emotions called into question when I bring him up to people. Shouldn't my friend's be excited or happy for me? Yeah..I think they should. Things like this don't happen to me, or didn't happen to me, or haven't happend to me in a long time.

I feel like I walk a fine line sometimes. I walk that line with people where I want to help them out, but don't know what to do for them. Gman tonight obviously needed some motivational force to get him out of a funk, but I didn't know what to say. His questions had no answers from me which is unusual. Did I think that he would make a good actor? Well hell man, how should I know without seeing him try? He's feeling lost as so many people seem to be lately. I know I was. I don't know how to get them back onto a path, how to help them find a way or a walk to walk. Hell, I have enough troubles sometimes to do that for me. At least I have what I believe in to fall back on in those times.

Funny. Looking at his pictures I have to smile to myself. Looking at his picture I feel a million different emotions at the same time. I've never been exactly sure what it was like to be "in love", but I think I have a good idea. And I keep asking over and over again, this is really happening isn't it? And the only answer I can find within and without is yes. I used to run from emotions, sometimes run to them, and now it's a bit confusing but good. He's in my heart and I'm not going to let that go. And it makes me happy knowing he's out there.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Thursday

He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. And someone had said "does love act like that?", and I say that love is different for everyone. You're relationship is different from mine. Don't deny that. We'll never have it the same way. And then someone else offered the words of wisdom..."Sod the world" and I know that she's right. And i can't begin to tell her how much I appreciate that little pearl.

Work is work. Day to day life is what it is, but at night, things all change and I get to talk with him. The world does go away for a while. It's just us and the phone but we're there together somewhere. Is the astral plane really just in my mind, or can we reach it together somehow? From my personal spiritual experience, I know it's a valid question.

So what do I tell people now? What do I tell mom, my brothers? My fam is always going to know these things one way or another, but I feel like jumping with joy and screaming it to them. I want them to all be ok with whatever may come.

Why is it that months ago I was so scared of this? And now it's all I think I want. Silly man me. Silly stupid man who's happy and content but still fears that it will all have been a dream. Then again, I am Morphius therefore I control dream. This one is staying!

And no more losing my religion. No more forgetting the other people in my life. More than one of them has already been there, and I know that they all are when I need them. I just need to remember that and learn to make them know it.

He's all I think about sometimes, and then the world intrudes and work happens and I get home, and I think about him again. God life is pretty fuckin good sometimes.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday

And the world turns....and the universe spins, but it wouldn't be the same without him there. Yes, I'm smitten, bitten, attacked by feelings that I can't always explain. And it's good. And it's frightening. And I feel so much more alive than I have in a long time.

I get scared easily. I'm a cat by nature. My panther is always there because I've seen him and talked to him in meditations. He has a name that I won't share. I feel it's sacred. But I am a cat by nature and we are somewhat skiddish animals. You try and pet us sometimes and we run from you. We're not always sure what to do with affection. We freak at the littlest thing, but we also find so much joy in a simple touch.

It's been a long time since I found myself in this situation. And it's good. And it feels right. And it's what I want. Now to see if I can get the rest of it working. The career...the motivations....the work that needs to be done.

But for now, I'll let the world turn while I spin in the Universe's blessing. And try and not forget myself in it again as I did once. Not lose those others that are in my heart. But there's one that's growing in my soul now as well. Having been hurt, I'm cautious, but hopeful, and happy.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

The smile has returned

The song makes me think of him. Probably always will now. It makes me smile. The video clips were pretty cool too and makes me wonder what I can do here with my programs. It's rather inspirational to some degree.

I woke up today and wondered if he was awake yet. Wondered if his day was going well. Every morning I say good morning to people who live in my heart. I greet them as I'm about to open the shop, throwing out my love to them through the empty skies. I never know if they can feel it, or hear it, but it's my morning ritual. Just something to let them know that I'm thinking about them and love them. Today was no different really, but it is to some degree. The bounce was back in my sleep deprive step, and names had changed places in this mantra of love.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Chasing cars

One of my favourite songs with clips from Get Real (which was a great movie)!

Today

Damn it! I had a post. Yes, an updated post with a lot of what was on my mind and I can't recreate it because I type stream of conciousness. What goes through my head flows out of my fingers and then poof it's on this page....and in closing a window I closed my browser and poof....it was no more.

The jist? Life has been somewhat trying and surreal and I have so many questions wandering around in my brain you would think that it was a convention in there. Not just a nice little convention but something like putting both Democrats and Republicans together during the Presidential election season...in the same building!

And here I was simply trying to explain where I was and what was going on...sigh.

I decided that my blog is actually now for me. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it's intent was an online diary to let my friends know what was going on (sometimes). It may become cryptic for some folks...hell, I may say things that will make absolutely no sense to anyone but me. Basically, I need this space right now to sort out my life to some degree.

Yes, I will always believe in the powers of peace and love. I will probably always be somewhat political. I will always have things to rant about in terms of injustice in the world. But....I'm not sure I'm going to be posting about topical things anymore for a while. I honestly need to sort things out.

Now if I could just find a nice bit of nature to go wandering in for say...oh, a complete afternoon, maybe I could piece together what's going on in my little grey cells. I'm convinced that nature is the ultimate meditation site. Honestly, there are few if any distractions. And I think I need to get out there and just have a VERY long talk with what it is that I believe in because They know better than I do.

While my last post was rather a downer, all I can say is that the past couple of weeks have been a bit up and waaaay down. Fear crept in for a while. I thought I would lose my friend forever who I honestly never want to be without. Too many questions through the brain. Customers that were annoying and the problem of do I want to continue where I am. How do I move on? How do I let go if I have to? Where am I going? What am I to do if not this? Can I ever get where I really want to be in life and where exactly is that? How can I go back to where I had been without him?

Yeah....like I said, cryptic and that's life ya know? No easy answers. And I honestly have to walk those paths alone sometimes. Put on the pretty smile for the customers while I ponder all this. Paste on the smile and say "I'm ok" because I didn't want to talk about anything with anyone. Sort it out myself. Touch the Universe for a little help and simply pray.

Ah hell...life will sort itself out in time. It always has. I'm like a bad pennie, I keep turning back up :) I have been kicked around, seeming thought I was going to be crushed and never come back, maybe should have died on the odd occaission or worse...but I'm still here. Blessing and a curse at times to be a survivor because, well I don't know what else to do but keep on keeping on.

*mental note* Always remember that you survived from 7 years ago. You didnt crumble. You didn't fold. You made it through almost all alone. Your bootstraps are strong and you can pull the shit out of them when need be.

Ah well...back to cleaning the hovel.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Today

Do you ever feel like you're living a song? I mean really, song titles come through my brain at a fevered pace lately to explain to me what's happening in my life. Then again my world somewhat revolves around music. It's the one saving grace I can always fall back on when times are wierd, or bad, or good. Stuff to uplift you, stuff to mellow you out, stuff to make you want to cry, stuff to make you shake it all cross the floor. (which in my case is about to be vacumed)

Let's just say that the past two weeks have been a bit surreal. I know part of it was adjusting to getting back from two trips and two concerts. It's a bit disorienting when you don't really go anywhere much. After all, it had been two years almost since I had taken my last vacation from work. At that point, I had gone to Disneyland with my fam for the first time. So, two years later, I wound up back there again...with my brother and sister.

Now the reason I bring this up is partially because there is a great let down after coming home from vacation. Post partum blues I guess. And the wierdest thing is not realizing how much I wish I was in the park where things are always nice, and clean, and....well happy. So I started realizing that the shop I work for sometimes is really just a very negative place. I'm not sure if this has to do with co-workers, customers, or me. Not all my customers are annoying, and as a matter of fact there are at least two that I can say I love very much. They've become very good friends. But the others....well day to day drudgery can get to you and I am highly considering how to change this. I need to break routine life, but I'm not sure exactly how that is going to come about yet.

And this all begs the question to me again of, "what are you doing with your life?" Don't know how many of you question this and/or how often but it's really a stickler. On one hand, there is nothing wrong with my job and my studio. On the other, I have little money and seemingly no time to go out at night without the peril of waking up late for work (which can NOT happen). So where is the medium? Is it in another job that's more an 8-5? Is it in me myself? Questions question questions. They are truly annoying to me. The reason being, I can't find the answers yet and I think I know how to get them but I never seem to have that time I so want to just wander somewhere in the woods and talk to what I believe in. (Yes I believe that nature helps you think things through better because there are less distractions)

Well, hopefully this is not the downer of a post as my last one was. Just surfice to say that life can kick ya in the balls at times and all you can do, or rather all I try to do, is try to stay standing and smiling like nothing happened. Hell, I'm like a cockroach. Seriously, I am I think sometimes. I've been in places where I probably should have been dead or stark raving mad by now...but I'm still here and going strong. More to the point, whether I like it or not sometimes, I'm a surivor.

I know that a lot of folks blog about politics, music, what have you....but for now this is my online diary of sorts until further notice. Cryptic messages may appear, things may seem random. That's life though. Cryptic and random babies.

Back to cleaning my hovel ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

He surfaces, then dives back again

Yes....It's been a while....again. I don't really have anything to post about. It's been a bit odd for me lately and, well .... I haven't felt like posting. Sometimes real life takes over and you have to deal with that ya know?

So you want to know what's been on my mind? K, here goes. Work and how I realized today that I'm not happy there really. I need a new job, but I don't know what to look for. Remember, yours truly spent 10 years of his life building sets and creating sound designs for a small community theatre. Before that it was all sorts of odd things, but mostly retail work. In the long run, I'm really not qualified for much hehe. Being good with people is one thing, but that only really gets you so far eh? Still, somethin's gotta give because I'm realizing more and more that I want to be able to financially do things I just can't right now. (like find a bigger place to live!)

What else is going on? Sadly nothing. Since going to Disneyland I've been kinda stuck in a rut and feeling broke. You ever notice that when you have not much in terms of money you get a little restless? Well that's me. Trying not to worry about money and wondering how to get more money and then of course....where do we go from here?

So, yeah, I haven't written about New York. I haven't really even written about anything lately but I just have been trying to deal with life and it's not been necessarily on my terms anymore. I have no clue where I'm really going. I know that I have a pretty good job and it keeps me in my studio here and pays for me to eat, and sometimes go out....but it's just not enough to scrape by anymore is what I'm finding.

Yeah I know, I know...pity me. Boo Hoo and all that rot. Well I'm not lookin for pitty, just puttin out what it is. Course, the knowledge that I have some friends that I wouldn't trade an entire Sultan's fortune for....yeah :) Makes life a little easier.

It's wierd that my friends, especially two or three people, can be your entire world. I honestly think that I'd be lost without them and I know I'm not lying about that. It's almost as if they're a part of my soul. No....strike that....they ARE part of my soul. And whether or not they read this, I think they know that I love them more than words can say. And who are they? Well....sorry folks but that's just not something I care to divulge. Surfice to say that they know about my site here and I'm not sure if they reading it or not, but to them, I have to say you are in a part of my heart and soul that no one else can ever reach.

And Jesus....it just struck me that I've been doing this for over a year now. THAT is kinda scary.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!