Tuesday and it's cold

Damn it's cold in here. I want to lite my oven up just to heat the studio, turn on my space heater, wrap myself in a blanket with hot tea..and hopefully then my hands won't feel like they're slightly disconnected from my body (and more feeling will flow into the ends of my fingers).

I'm back to money as an issue. The more I try and save, the more I want to spend. Christmas an all that coming. Cards need to be made. I hate traditional cards, and I have the program but what's the picture?? I have an idea or two. And the realization that i need adresses, and then to get them all to the post office by next week. Yeah....I want it done early. I want to send them to my friends and family. I want to do more though.

I took down a post yesterday because i hated how it read. Part of the jist was the want to have a wad of cash to blow on presents for those folks that I love and adore. I know that I have the ability to get a few presents, but it always gets to me a little that I can't seem to do what I want at Christmas. God save me if I had an actual credit card. Folks would think I was a millionare. So much I feel I want to do, and there is time to do it...and I'm tired after work, and I should eat better so I'm not tired after work, and I should push myself....but not today. That seems to be the motto and it has to change starting tomorrow. I was always good at pushing myself at the theatre, now I just have to learn it again.

And then, there's my man. My man that makes me feel something that I haven't felt in possibly 7 years. We laugh together, talk late into the night, and somewhere in that wierd void of the phone...he's there next to me. I can feel him there, but I can't touch him like I want to. Yeah, sometimes in a dirty way but mostly just to have him in my arms. Be able to kiss him gently as he sleeps so as not to wake him up. I feel like he's brought something back to life in me that I had forgotten or thought had died a long time ago. I'll find a way though. I may be stupid romantic, but I honestly feel that love CAN conquer anything. It just takes some time sometimes.

And ya know, I am still thankful for little things. I think about the people I met at Pride last year and know how really great this group of guys are, even if I'm a slug who doesn't call them or hang out with them. And I have Dan and Hawley and my nephew nearby, which is really nice to me. And I have my family that for whatever may come in this stupid world...we are the Endless and always will be connected. And all this makes me happy. And all my friends make me happy. And all the new people I'm meeting make me happy. So who says that you need tons of cash and flashy cars and all that rot? Momma Universe done provide, and that my friends is pretty damn cool in my books.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD!! Be Loved!