Christmas time and want

Christmas is rapidly approaching, well maybe not as rapidly as we think but it will be here before we know it. Luckily for me, I have a majority of presents bought...the wrapping and sending, that's a different story. And I love giving people presents for birthdays and Christmas and Easter and...well hell, I like giving presents to people to see their faces light up (hopefully) when they open a package wrapped as nicely as I can.

And yet...oh you knew there would be an "and yet"....I can't help but think about what *I* want for Christmas and know I won't be getting. Why? Because mostly they are things that are too expensive for people to get me. And without a loving spouse/boyfriend/anyone there that has a good paying job, I'm kinda up the crick.

So what ridiculous things do I want for Christmas that no one has money for? A new car? Nope. I have a car. It's a 93 and runs and I'm thankful for it. A luxurious trip somewhere? Well it would be nice but then I would have to take time off of work and lose money in doing it so...nope. I realized that what I really wanted for a Christmas present, or birthday present for that matter even though my birthday is half a year away, are things I feel I actually need.

A newer computer would be just grand. Mine works (obviously or I wouldn't be posting here), but it's 8 year or so old. That means that the CPU is not as powerful as some of the programs that are out there now so....yeah no games really since my computer can't handle them, and a few programs I do use max out the CPU when I run them. But I doubt anyone is going going to fork out for a computer.

A new microwave would be AWESOME. I have no clue how old the one I inherited is. It works, but I'm starting to worry it's on it's last leg soon. Believe me that it gets a good work out by me a lot of the time. But....probably not something anyone can afford to get me a really good one (I dream of the kind that is also a convection oven as well *droooool*). If I'm really lucky, and can find some way to save money, maybe next year I can find a good sale going on.

Yes I want some sillier items too. An Xbox360 because I want to play the Batman games on it, I'd love to have a blue-ray player since I'm a video nut, and a new vacume cleaner.... the more "in your fucking dreams" items like an actual one bedroom apartment or a new stove/oven for here....but I know that I will get things from people that actually care about me enough to buy me a present. And isn't that enough?

It should be enough to know that my mom will probably send me a few new sweaters (which right now would come in very very handy), and I will get some fun bobbles from friends, and hopefully some Christmas Cards as well. I know we're all hurting when it comes to the pocket book, me included. There are things I would love to do and buy for people, but I just can't. It really IS the thought that counts though. There are a lot of people that just wish that someone would remember them on Christmas. And so I'm trying to stave off the "wants" and accept whatever gift comes my way. Be it cookies, or a card, I know that person cared enough to take the time to think about me. That my friends, equates to love in my books.

And while I don't really have a lot of dosh to throw around, I think that this year there will be the attempt at some Christmas cooking going on here to simply be able to say, "I was thinking of you and love and appreciate you even if we rarely talk or get together. My thoughts and love are with you."

Wondering if I am just selfish

Christmas time is officially here in three days time. Almost December and I have at least had an idea what to get those I am going to give gifts to. Let us hope that I have the money to buy them, and the money to ship some of them. But it makes me think about what I will NOT get this year, or next, or the next from anyone. It is the season to be giving and I try and do that with love and the money I can afford to spend. Hell, a lot of time I get myself in a bit of financial hot water over Christmas trinkets for people. Why? Because I love them and I want to give them something wonderful.

But that little piece of jealousy creeps in every year and it gets harder and harder to ignore it sometimes. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for whatever gift I get from people, but it's a sense of melancholia when I see boyfriends and girlfriends lavish their others. When husbands give wives a new Ipad, and I get a couple of books. Where is the person that is supposed to lavish me with an Xbox 360 that I would never imagined anyone getting me? Well, they aren't there and so I wind up feeling alone and bitter and then selfish.

I've lived for at least 8 years alone now, by myself in a studio apartment. There is no cat. There is no roommate. Just me and the space and my movies to keep me company (and of course my friends who I talk with on the phone). I don't really have room for a Christmas tree, but I'm trying to make room this year because I need that. I need to feel like I'm not outside looking in anymore. But I'm selfish. I know I am to some degree. I crave what I cannot have and it makes me bitter at times. The thoughts of "why not me?" have been constant for a long time now. And I understand why people say "It's enough to drive a man to drink." although I'm too anal to go down that road really. Too obsessed with the fact that I'm the "responsible" one and at the same time dying to not be.

For the majority, all my friends are already in a relationship with someone one, or married. I keep wondering, why not me? Where is mine? And maybe that's why I don't have one, a relationship...too greedy for it. I simply have to have faith that somewhere, the man I'm looking so hard to find is out there. I don't give a damn if we're both poor as church mice. We'd be poor together, and as long as we were/are in love with each other....then we're two against the world instead of just the "friend" who is loved and gets his Christmas presents....but still feels slightly outside no matter how much we care about each other.

I don't know if that's wrong or not. I don't know if I really AM selfish or not for wanting to have someone surprise me with gifts I never imagined. I just know that I always feel a little like the kid looking in at a toy store and knowing that his folks can't afford anything in there. Yeah, I'm the "socks for Christmas" kid in that scenario, but I'll be grateful for the socks anyway. At least I know I was thought of.

2011

It's been over 4 years now since I wrote here. So many things have changed, so much has happened over the course of time. I forgot what it was like to have a place to put my thoughts.

And how odd is it that with so much change, it feels as if nothing has sometimes. I'm still where I was to some degree. Same place, same job, same life almost. The only things that have changed have been silly items like facebooking and twitter. Watching Glee tonight just reminded me how much I want my life to change for the better. How much I want someone to be there next to me, with me. And how much I don't feel like I fit in even with the gay community.

I know I'm not some 20 year old running out there to find life. I feel like those years were stolen from me in a lot of ways along with parts of my youth. And I'm not sure just who the hell I am sometimes anymore. Which "me" am I? Who does the person I'm dealing with want me to be? Who am I supposed to be and is it even really me at some point. I just know that someone out there wants me for me. It's the only thing I have to keep hoping for, that I'll find that person one day. Silly as it sounds, I saw them in a dream and I know they exist somewhere. I just don't know where.

I wish I was 25 again. Wish I could go back and try and make things better for myself. Wish that I could find the capacity to not be so shy and open up and not feel like I'm a dork whenever I meet someone I think is attractive. But that door is shut. I'm 45 and living in a studio apartment which is all I can afford. And that has to be enough for now.

Sure, I still wait for the knight in shining armor. I still want to be swept off my feet. I still want to be able to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me. I just don't understand how it all works anymore. I know it can happen, and I am still praying that it does happen. Maybe this coming year. Maybe if I'm good to myself, someone else might come along and see me and decide I am what they want too.