Friday, September 30, 2005


There is a mansion that I have created in my mind. A party is going on down on the first floor, guests mixing and mingly as the band plays from somewhere in a great room. Upstairs, I entertain my friends as befitting of Jay Gatsby. But further within this mansion, accessable only by myself is a set of winding stairs. Stones of grey and red, slightly luminescent lit by the moonlight flooding the windows cut into the stone wall. They wind up and up to a round turret room where I alone reside, and I alone can reach, and I alone am allowed. This is my house in my mind and at night I stare out into the stars, the darkness filled with twinkling lights and the gaze of the moon. A soft glow through the darkness being that I am higher than the lights of the town, or the house can reach. It is my innersanctum where I muse, and ponder, and question.

I went to see MirrorMask tonight and I thought it was brilliant. It's still resonating with me even now almost an hour later. The journey there that started off poorly though. I felt I was being laughed at by my friend D. A few course words were tossed by me his way. I snapped at H as well for no good reason. Luckily dinner improved things slightly and all was well by the time we sat for the movie.

I become lost in films. Nothing exists for me but the screen and the story unfolding before my eyes. I do not talk during a film. I will not answer during a film. I'm held in it's magikal embrace for the course of an hour and a half or more. It is one of the few times I can simply be, sitting there in the dark where no one can see if tears fill my eyes, or wonder. It is for me alone even if I am with friends.

But now, I sit alone in my turret, gazing out into the night wishing that as she had run her fingers through his hair lovingly, her hand had been mine. Wondering if I will ever find a place where I am allowed this simple action. Feeling that I will never know more than my turret and my thoughts. I can lock myself away for days on end here, coming out briefly for food, or to nod to the guests in the main part of the mansion and smiling at them. I will ask if they are enjoying themselves and wish them well and mean it. Still, I find myself back again in my turret brooding and staring deeply into the night sky looking for answers and solice.

My life is not horrible. It is far from it because I know that I have those that truly care and love me. Still, I find myself locking myself away in my turret where no one may touch me. The stone walls are cool and comfortingly safe to me. I need not hide anything here. Below, I have to find a facade at times to make sure that none of the guest even remotely guess at my true mood. My friends may have access to my mind, but only so far and then I must retreat within myself finally to search for answers. It is quiet here, and peaceful.

Beginnings of Friday's postings

Bloody Buggery Hell! Last night I went to dinner with my boss and one of our customers that arranges flowers for the shop. Lovely dinner of steak which I don't get to eat that often (hey...kinda poor but not destitute ya know?) At any rate I returned home to see that there were three messages on my machine.

The first was someone I had actually just let speak to the machine because I'm not too keen on talking to him. The third was my boss who I picked up and spoke with but the second one.....A mystery caller and what the hell did I do?

I FRIGGIN ERASED IT! It's driving me mad because my finger jumped too quickly to the erase. It's been bugging me all day and whoever it was, I hope the call back unless it was more telemarketting.

More To Come
(with all due respect to Johnny Carson)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The joys of Thursday

I almost started to just write a short story here because I couldn't think of anything better today. Sometimes there's just not much going on in one's life ya know? was Thursday and I was exceedingly happy to know that tomorrow is the end of the work week for me! Sure I have to make the deposits for the next two weeks but dammit....two things are going to happen.

My buddy Dan asked me if I wanted to go and see either MirrorMask ( Neil Gaiman), or maybe Serenity (Yes! Joss Whedon!) tomorrow. Either way I am garuanteed a winner. For those that didn't watch FireFly when it was on, the entire series is out on DVD and for a Tv space western it kicks ass. Then again, Joss did write Buffy and Angel so...there ya go. MirrorMask? Well it's the teaming of Neil Gaiman and the Jim Henson group. Twisted and surreal with the Henson group working on it as well? Hell...what's not to like?

The only down side of things is that there were no firemen waiting for me here (all drenched in sweat wearing only pants and suspenders) because it was reschedualed. So...not that the studio is tidier, I plan on destroying it partially and getting rid of a bunch of stuff. I have too much junk here (including videotapes that I have no idea where to unload) and I think it's prudent to just start hackin and slashin. Mind you, we'll see if I actually do this because I tend to be even lazier on the weekends.

Just wanted to throw out there a request. I wanted to ask ya to send all the good ju-ju you might be holdin onto to Scotty in the next couple of weeks. He's a great guy and with everyone pulling together I bet we could send some really kick ass good stuff his way. I can't send ya cash Scotty, but I'm trying to do my part.

What will the weekend bring to our dear Shadow? Will there be romance (yeah right)? Feats of great strength and honor?! (maybe if I play God Of War) Several hours of sleep undesturbed followed by copious amounts of video viewing? (more than likely the case) Tune in and see!

Sorry Foxy but I think I just started my own show here...course I would love guest stars to make it more glamorous!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Interview for a Persian Guy...and all the rest of the news

I promised that I would have 5 questions for Persian Guy who somehow tumbled into the frey here so here goes my friend.

1 If you won the presidency by a large majority (and were garuanteed a second term in office), what changes would you attempt to make?

2 The Universe is granting you a "perfect date" with someone who is mutually attraced to you. What does the date consist of (money is no object). Where do you go, what do you do, and how do you "end" the date?

3 If you were insanely rich, how would you spend your money and time?

4 What animal would you choose to be if you could transform back to yourself at any time?

5 Given the chance, what famous person (alive or dead) would you like to meet for dinner and conversation and why?

Want to play?The Official Interview Games Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying, "interview me".

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each persons will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Well....things are interesting all around. I've currently read two sites describing "hauntings" in their houses, romances are blooming everywhere I go in blog land, some people have me on pins and needles because they haven't posted in a while and in ain't so bad.

Today at work was much better than yesterday. Even had a chance to lay down this afternoon and watch a bit of a movie (Lords of Dogtown .... ya gotta love skateboarders). Of course now that it's around 8:30 for me I need to finish cleaning the studio so that the fire department doesn't see a complete mess when they come to check my smoke detector. And yes...I have something to say on that subject!

Ok, I'm kind of a hermit here in my studio. It's my space that I pay for monthly. How I decide to keep it is my choice. Granted, it's not food containers laying out for months but I do live in an "organised chaos" that only I understand. I'm a stacker. Stacks of cds, of books, of dvds. I know roughly what's in each stack and sometimes I get a pleasant surprise finding things I had forgotten I had. Having so said...I don't like the idea of people being in my studio when I am not here. There's nothing illegal to find here, there's nothing kinky (well...ok maybe something "dirty" in the way of vids and dvds but a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do right?) Still...I was informed that they will be here tomorrow to push a little button on the smoke detector and say " works" and leave. So why do I care what they think of how I live? Well...because although I'm a bit slovenly, I don't want to look like one. Still don't like it though.

In three day's time my boss will be in Ireland and I was just briefed today on how to do the deposits. Great. One more thing to put on the plate after a long day. My typical routine is that I go get up around 5:20ish am, slap on clothes (pretty important part of the morning) and I'm off to the shop to get it ready to be open at 6:30am. I do my thing until sometimes as late as 1:30 in the afternoon and then head home to check everyone's blogs and email. Eventually (with the exceptions of Tuesday nights) I head back to the shop to get my orders and lists ready for the next day. it's me remembering that I have to do the previous day's deposit and get the drawer ready for the next day. ACK! Not a wiggy ack but an "jesus this kinda bites" ack. Or more aptly put....FEH!

I am supposed to post today about three things you didn't know about me (ok Ethan you got me because I know you'll probably know if I don't and it'll bug me)

1 I own three teddy bears named Sebastian, Ezekiel, and Zach which I sleep with. (hey...least I got someone to hold that way!)
2 Althought I'm not athletically inclined I have always wanted to skateboard and surf and plan to one day learn how.
3 I have a tattoo design that I see in my mind but can't explain it well enough to actually have someone draw it so I could get my only tattoo.

Lastly, I have some love to throw around here because that's just my nature.

Ryan and Michael, you guys are amazing to me and I adore ya both. I hope I can finally meet you both one day. crack me up. You're amazingly witty and ya hit this Texas boy's heart with downhome humor. dear sir. It would be my greatest pleasure to chat with you sometime. You bring a quality out of me that I wish I could use more. (and you're bloody well cute dammit)
Steve...I'm so seriously considering the Fla. Your offer has be greatfully buzzing around in my head (if I can find the cash).

Hugs all around!
(is that a wrap? yeah? Ok...
hey would you kill the lights?
... sheesh I gotta pay for this damn studio ya know)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Shadowmichael Interview Vol. 1

Ok, so I agreed to this interview with my buddy Den, the sexy Tennessee man. We agreed to meet for a casual drink at a local tavern so I wouldn't be recognised on the streets. Armed with only a few questions (because we all know I am a man of few words), the interview began...
1.If you had to pick one thing you couldn’t live without, what would it be?
Music. Music is the only thing that has kept me sane for this many years. It's the one place I can turn when there is no one around and I need to hear words that sooth me. It makes me get moving in the mornings while I'm bustling around trying to open the shop, keeping my energy up (thank ya Prince). It evokes every emotion you can ever imagine, and turns these into images in my mind. It's sexy, it's racous, it's a quiet whisper from a lover, it's the fireworks exploding in the skies over Paris, it's the friend that knows you're deepest pain and sympathises. How could I ever live without something that could make me feel that much? I love Funk, Soul, Punk, Classical, Opera, Musicals, Techno, Goth, R&B, Country, Bluegrass and the list keeps going. Life would end without music.

2.If you found a lottery ticket worth $100.000.00, would you keep it or turn it in?
An interesting delima here because of two things in my mind. A) Who do you turn in a winning lottery ticket to? Let's face it, everyone would try and claim it as their own wouldn't they? So what to do? Say to someone "Hey, I found this laying on the ground."? And B) I would feel slightly guilty knowing I had just cost someone $100,000.00 ya know? Still, in the long run, it seems that if fortune smiled on me to find the winning ticket, shouldn't I take that chance? Make a change in a lot of people's lives including mine ya know? I'm not greedy and believe me there would be a massive party with me trying to fly all my friends out to be there to celibrate. I guess in the long and short of things, I do the unthinkable and keep the ticket for myself.

3.If you could choose one person that you would want to be your next door neighbor, who would it be?
It would all depend on if we got along as neighbors heh. I know the qualities I'd like in a next door neighbor, but I don't really know who it is. It's really difficult because I would say River Poenix but he's not alive anymore. I guess in the long run of things it wouldn't be anyone famous, it would be a friend. Ack...I really don't have an answer to this question.

4.What if you were giving a one time chance to own anything in world, what would it be?
Hard question because I want to sound all nobel and say a piece of art (probably something by Monet in the Waterlillies vein). Part of me is silly and wants to say the Batmobile because it would be REALLY cool to drive around. (by the way...I'm Batman) Jewlery? Not exactly my style. A mansion? Maybe. In truth, I would like to own a black panther tame enough for me to have as a pet. (sorry for the mixup on the picture..that's a groovin comic book hero) Panther's are my animal totems and they are one of the most beautiful cats out there in feline kingdom. So.....a Black Panther and the lands to be able to keep him as he/she wanted to be kept which probably means I'd have some very large acreage with a nice house.. Hm....that's more than one thing isn't it? :\

5.When do you feel your best in the day time or night time?
Oddly enough, at night. Don't get me wrong, I love a nice day, or a rainy day although in California those seem very few and far between. I like sun bathing but...I've always been a bit nocturnal. Night is when the world is quiet and I can think, or simply go stare out at the stars and lose myself in them. Night time is when I would go dancing with friends and all the good times seemed to be during the night. I find myself on the weekends up extra late at night, and I use that as "me" time. Being a follower of the moon, (Selene for those that care what I call her), I've always been tied somehow to night. Up when the world is asleep.

Having exhausted the poor boy with my boring answers, he threw back his drink and made a hasty exit for the door. The barmaid, seeing that I was alone, brought me the check and asked, "Hey. Wasn't that Den?"
"Yes indeed it was." I stated, following quickly with, "He was interviewing me. I was hoping to keep a low-"
"Dammit!," she retorts interrupting me, "I thought it was. I wanted to ask for an autograph. Damn. Here's the check honey. Pay at the reg."

Cue the dramatic music folks! It's a Double Post Tuesday!
So first of all thanks for the kind words everyone. Nice to know that while I'm slugging it out here there are folks in my corner (who's got the water bottle and where's my towel dammit?!) I thought today being Tuesday would be a slightly better day....well I have a an adage for everyone which is this; "Good day on Monday, you're Tuesday is gonna be crap!" and believe me it was. Oh where to start? Waking up? Nope...boring. Getting to work? Nope, everything still ok. Opening the shop? Getting there but still...ok.
Around 15 minutes after I opened this morning, I went to our office and pulled out a Cd to show a customer (Wolfsheim Casting Shadow if you have Itunes that's the link). He had asked who they were because they were singing in German (he's Dutch). I go to open the office again and realize that the key is slightly bent. Great...I love my fellow employees. I try and turn it in the lock and SNAP! it breaks off ... IN THE DAMN LOCK! So, now I have no way to access extra cash should I need it for the reg, to let my other employees clock in, or to turn the music down should an annoying bastard customer come in and exclaim "Could you turn that down? Isn't it a bit loud?" (yeah well they can kiss my...I don't play music that loudly) Now it's around 7am-ish and you think I'm gonna call a locksmith at that hour? Hell no..figured I could do something about it myself. I'll just pull it out and...
My 7am employee shows up. I explain what's going on while trying to help customers. He's hung over (just my friggin luck). After some mucking around, N decided that he could drop down through the ceiling into the office. I had no other decent option. I return to trying to help customers while fretting about the broken key in the lock and getting it...CRASH! Well at least he got in and unlocked the door. The office is now looking much much worse for wear. He says he'll clean it. I take the entire lock off the door and still can't get the damn broken key out. More customers and now a non-locking office. (luckily the money is locked up and I have the key) Now it's roughly 7:30? Mind ya, I open the doors at 6:30 without fail Mon-Friday.
Annoying customers. One that I started to get into it with. Blood pressure rising, N is being no help to my mood. "Do you think that he'll be made about the office?" "Dammit will you shut up about the office? Don't you realize that we can't lock the F*'ing office? I think he'll be more upset about that!" boss arrives. (luckily he is a good man and easy going. Neither the state of the office nor the lock seemed to bug him) This is maybe 8ish and I haven't had any food and possibly three cups of coffee. I'm turning into Bruce Banner and my eyes are glowing green. I think that people are starting to be scared. Finally though a customer came in who used to be a Maintainance guy and actually got the key out. One situation solved but my blood pressure? Still in the heavens. After finally getting my break (which to me is going away from the counter to do dishes), I calmed down a little. Driving out to pick things up for the shop, a little calmer. Seems that what I needed was to be away from that damnedable shop. And finally...I was out of there like...well...a tired dogged man.
I swear I don't know what is going on anymore with me. I'm not normally that quick to get angry. I don't know if it's the routine, or the customers, or my friggin employees but I tell you this much I have a plan. I mean it this time. I am planning once my boss gets back from his vacation that I am going to fly out on a Thursday somewhere and spend a weekend away from that damn place. So....I could bring free coffee to anyone that wants to meet me (and yeah I'll find a hotel cause I'm not a cheap whore...well I'm not a whore at least) :)

Want to play?The Official Interview Games Rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying, "interview me".
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each persons will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Thoughts on my Endless and friends

Thank you my Chryssa-buger for the picture that now resides in my profile. She's part of my Endless family (my sweet Delirium). For those that don't read Neil Gaiman's Sandman comics..well shame on you hehe. My closest friends are the Endless. I am Morphius for those that know them. Of course there is Desi, Didi (my radient sister), Delirium (my little muffin!) and I'm not sure if we've officially named Dave but I'm sure that they just haven't told me yet. So that's me collecting some goodies from the family including the covetted Toaster! (I had/have an on going fetish with toast....don't ask, or do if you're really curious)

I was going to put down in words how horrible I felt about two hours ago. Maybe it was lack of food but there was something else laying in wait. I had to go back to my shop to make up the orders for tomorrow (I hate doing it at the last minute) and wound up sitting outside with some friends. What struck me was how little they seemed to care that I was even there. How I started to feel again that I don't really fit in anywhere. They never really talked to me, but rather talked to each other and I just sort of sat there thinking to myself a lot. Funny how you can find yourself completley alone sitting with people that are supposed to be your friends. Funny how little I have in common with men that constantly say things like "Why the hell does she have to be a Scientologist. I would so f*ck her." I can just join right in on that one.

I keep feeling isolated and I know it's stupid. Fact is that these are more and more just people I happen to know from the shop but since my life lately has revovled around little else...they are my friends. And ya know what? It hurts. It takes a little bit of you and chews it around and gnashes your insides and then doesn't spit you digests you and you get to take the other way out. I miss my family a lot right now. I miss the times that Desi and Didi and I would stay up late laughing as she worked on costumes. I miss long talks deep into the night. I miss knowing someone would be there when I got home, or when I woke up, or at least at some point during the night. I miss not feeling like I was isolated.

I know I have folks out there pulling for me. I know that I could pick up the phone and call some of them (who may or may not be reading this in Los Angeles getting pissed at me), but it's this damn bubble. It's my sphere of comfort that says "Careful how open you let yourself be because they'll tell you the truth and you may not be ready to hear it." some fellow bloggers a bit of truth, Jes I'm glad to hear that you had a great time down there cause I was a little worried, Cory I know you don't read this site but dammit man I like your words, Joe whenever you decide to tell them...if you need a friend I'm here for ya bud. And to all the rest of ya that have commented on this site, thank you. You're words mean a lot to me and are greatly appreciated.

Sunday, September 25, 2005


Well...what fun am I instore for the next couple of weeks? I had forgotten that my boss is going out of town. Now most people are happy about things like this. Means that they can slack a little bit. Riiiiiiiiiiight. Means that I'm going to possibly become a major bitch. Basically, I run things from the time we open til around 1pm and my friend Aaron takes the nights. Wouldn't be so bad but everything that gets down in a business is done when? You got it ... during the day. So, on top of having to be on top of everything I already do, I'm going to have to think about the banking...making sure that I've made a drawer for the next day...making sure I have cash for paid outs. Oh it's going to be fun. SO much fun that I already have a picture of what I'll look like.

Before :
(Please note that due to technical difficulties the smiling faced picture you were to see here is apparently floating somwhere in limbo because either blogger hates me or my computer does. Thank you. We now return you to your regularly schedualed post already in progress)

Well....I guess the concept of pictures is out right now. (sigh) Let's just say that I'm not looking forward to being this much in charge. (and knowing that my boss is in friggin Ireland when he's not here! GRRR!) *please note the irony of being green with envy over not going myself to Ireland* (it's a know a funny....oh never mind)

And ya know what...I am so ready to take a vaction that i could taste it in my Carl's Jr. burger tonight. I mean hell, everyone that I seem to meet lately that I get along with is living on the other side of the damn country from me. :\ I just HAD to want to be an actor and move to California (grumble). I actually was told that my boss wanted to send me to Costa Rica for a week to see the estate that we buy from there. Ya know what though? I'd rather go to the East side of the US and meet you folks cause at least I'd have more fun!

I'm not saying that Costa Rica wouldn't be fun but I want to be around friends, and in a country where I understand the language. I'm sure that I would love Costa Rica if I give it a chance's just not where I want to take a vacation and I'm not being paid for my time off so...that would wind up being my vacation ya know? Kinda like how my mother keeps telling me that she'd spring for the ticket to fly out to Texas for Christmas. Guess what...that would be my Christmas present from her. Nice idea, don't want to be around my family in the first place thank you very much. Why can't these people just give me the dosh, let me book my flights and then just go where I want? Always strings attatched to everything it seems.

And I don't want to go in to work and see the same faces anymore. I think I should start looking for some other job but I don't really know what I could do. I was trained in friggin theatre. Course, I could always get a job building stuff because that was part of what i was doing at the theatre. I'm sure the other workmen wouldn't mind if I showed up with my feather boa ya know? Add a little color and life to the job! Then find myself a nice hospital room to stay in afte they beat the living hell out of me. Riiiiight.

My god, it's only Sunday and I'm already bitchy.

Two parter Saturday

Probably the only two parter posting I'm going to do but there are two things on my mind currently so...

Part one :RAIN - Cirque Eloize

Ok folks. This show was just amazing. For those of you who have never seen a show put on by Cirque Du Soliel. Well ya don't know what you're missing. Forget whatever you thought a circus would be. No stupid animal tricks here, just amazing perfomers and truly amazing costumes, lights, music....If you hear they're coming near you RUN to by a ticket.

So this show tonight RAIN was sort of like Cirque, but smaller, more intimate. It's oddly moving in places. The acrobatics were phenominal and the ending when they flood the stage floor and actually make it rain on stage..well it was mesmerizing. I wish I could describe it well enough but I honestly don't have the words. The cast was maybe 15 people at most. Sometimes you didn't know where to look on stage because (I) you are afraid you'll miss something. I laughed, held my breath in places, got all warm and fuzzy feelings at the end. Just promise me if you see that it's coming to someplace near you that you'll try and make it to see this. Hell, I bought the soundtract and the program and I wanted nothing more than to go back stage and tell all the actors/acrobats how much I loved them for the show. YES IS that good! (and I have a crush on a Frenchman named Stephane Gentilini...sigh)

Part Two: The Homeless Years

I was reading another blogger's site tonight when he mentioned a homeless person he had seen. Made me stop and think about my own experience. I know I mentioned it that I had been homeless twice in my life. I wasn't kicked out or anything, just circumstances were such that I found myself with nowhere to live.

I doubt that anyone at BV knew I was homeless when I was working there. I was always on time for work, and sure, my car looked packed to the gills with stuff, but I'm kinda slovenly with my car in general. This was the second time and the hardest. Why? Because the first time I was homeless I at least had my friends putting me up for the night at several places. Couch surfing is pretty horrible, but at least I knew where I would lay my head at nights. BV times were different.

I had decided that I wasn't going to do the couch surfing routine. I wound up for a while sleeping in the crawlspace at the shop I currently work for. Hell, it was a place to lay down. Problem was, no shower. No shower, no tv, no videogames....nothing, just a place to sleep. (yes, trying to stay clean becomes an issue when you have no where to go) So, deciding that I was going to "make my own way", I wound up spending a great deal of money on cheap hotel rooms. Why? Well, because they had showers and Tv and I felt a little more like a person when I was there. That's the thing, you start feeling less than everyone else when you're homeless. It eats at you. Sometimes you want nothing more than to just "go home" and relax, but there's no "home". It becomes a concept that's almost foreign to you. Living out of hotels, you constantly worry about your stuff that you left in the room, and when you have to check out and will you have money for a room for the week, or is it going to dry up and you sleep in your car?

Funny thing was, I started drifting further and further away from people that I cared about. I found it harder and harder to ask for help because I felt more and more worthless. I honestly got to a certain point where I thought about suicide, and then realized that even that seemed pointless. The people that I tended to interact with on a daily basis were hotel lobby clerks and the occaissional person at the office. Otherwise, I tended to stay clear of just about everyone. I became so ashamed of my own life that I stopped even talking with some of my best friends because I didn't want to "be a burden" on them (this was of course silly because what I know now is that they would have been there for me 200% in whatever little way they could). Didn't help that I was miserable in the corporate world as well as trying to figure out how to get out of that situation. Life is a struggle to begin with, and I eventually pulled myself up and out of all of this by getting a pink slip at BV giving me the extra cash I needed to get a place to live.

My point is this; there are people on the streets that are homeless who are good folks in bad times trying to get out of them, and on the other hand, there are folks out there have sunk further down and don't seem to care about how they live anymore. Reguardless of what you think of them when you see them, whether you call them a bum or a homeless person, I think most folks can tell when someone is trying to get out of it. (I got hit up probably 5 times tonight by different homeless folks and only gave money to two) When you see the ones that seem to honestly be trying to better their situation...what's a bunch of pocket change really mean to you? I mean really. If I had a billion dollars, you better belive that some lucky homeless guy would be walkin away with a cash wad (and he'd have to make me believe he was going to use it to get off the streets though). I'm not talking bout the mentally ill folks out there...them, I have no idea how to help (and the druggies and alcholics fit in there as well).

So, just remember the next time someone asks you for change, it could have been me. They could be trying to get enough money for a room so they can be warm. Most importantly, treat them like you would any other person. It's a hard enough world out there without thinking that you are sinking further from being a human being.

Friday, September 23, 2005

My life seems like a giant question

You might ask yourself, "what is a guy that get's up at 5am every weekday doing up at 11:30 pm on a Friday night and he's not out having fun?" Well....I said you might ask yourself that. (secretly I ask myself that question a lot) The answer is....
*insert dramatic music here*

See, there are things that I really miss about my old life. I know I mentioned my being in theatre before but the fact of the matter is that I started acting (and was extremely horrible! I mean I really sucked) when I was in the 7th grade. From then on I kept up with it until the year 2000. Now, 7th grade for me was in 1978. You do the math here folks. That meant that for almost half of my life I was invovled somehow in theatre. I even spent 10 years working for a theatre out here building sets, doing sound and makeup designs, and yes...acting. It was something that I was told I was good at actually. I miss acting and the rehearsals and the backstage bs that happens. I really do. I did go back and do a production of A Christmas Carol a few years ago. I liked the show and liked being in it (playing Ebeneezer Scrooge is a kick and a bitch at the same time). I've done that show (being at my old theatre) a whopping 8 years total. was just gone from my life. Now I have to make a decission about going back to it.

When I was there at acting and working for the theatre, I had a family. Sure we were kinda wierd, but we were a family and I really felt like I fit in. The big problem is and was, it just doesn't pay. I'm feeling all pathetic here when I say this I really willing to put out all the extra time for rehearsals and the performances for no money? How can you reconcile an empty stomach when you know you have to be up at 5am Monday through Friday, then try and remember to eat before rehearsals so you aren't completely obliterated the next day? And believe me folks...rehearsals can be grueling. Performance scheduals can be worse. You don't really get out of there until the audience is gone and sometimes that puts me getting home around 11pm.

What do you do? How do you not run yourself ragged doing what makes you money, keeps you in your place to live, and gives you the food to eat...and still try for the dream? Yes. I am a wimp. I like sleep. I like my free time. I also know that I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be doing other than I was trained as an actor. I'm scared of "making it" because I don't know how that would affect my life. I'm scared of "not making it" because then it seems my life was just a dream of being an actor. Go for it? Resign myself to the fact that what I do now isn't so bad? It's a tough call that I don't know how to make anymore. I feel like I am getting too old too fast and that life is going to slip past me and I'll have nothing. Scared of losing everything I have now because I'm out there trying to get acting work and make money at it and a name for myself. Hell...I got a bad enough time sometimes paying the bills I have without extra worries like headshots, and trying to arrange time off for auditions, etc.

I look around at my friends out here (and while they are a handfull of people I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for them), and realize that they all have someone else to fall back on. Yup, all my good friends here are couples. Only one set are actors (well Doll is an actress but you know what I mean). Hell, one owns his own damn townhouse. The other two sets live relatively well and happily. I got my studio. If I fuck up (pardon my french), I'm done for. There is no safety net for me. Some people seem envious of me living alone but they don't know the wierd sacrifices I make to do it. (not to mention that when i was looking for a place to live, there weren't any options of roommates in my friends) I've been homeless twice in my life and I swore after I got this place that it would NEVER happen again to me. I've never been late on rent, or had the power cut off, or the phone although they threatened and I managed to somehow find the money. I haven't borrowed money from anyone in probably 4 years now. That I can be proud of. Just seems that I watch my dreams die a little more every year though. Life just became about going to work and making the money and trying to go out when I can if I can get my friends to go with.

I honestly don't know what to do because theatre and acting are like an addiction. It was something I felt so passionally about that it eats at me. If I could live my dream then my life would be lived through being creative be it acting, or writing, or making music. Maybe that's why they're called dreams though? Maybe it's because the reality is that I do what I do to keep myself afloat and alive. Hell, I even thought about taking a different job, one that pays better, but doing what?

It's getting chilly outside now. Getting to the time of year that all this shite just creeps up on me again and again and....I know that soon it's goint to be a new year and I'll ask "What have I done with my life?" and the answer is generally..."nothing". Hell, maybe I just need things to ease up on me for say..4 months. Get my head put back together a little more ya know?

So the fun thought of the post is this. If you have any questions about what it's like to be on stage, or what it's like to do a show, or be an actor. Let em rip. I'll do my best to answer whatever questions you throw my way.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Not about sex

Now I know what you're thinking with a title like that but I'm sorry to disappoint you by saying this isn't about sex. Oh my god...did I just say Sex? SEX SEX SEX! Ok. Sorry but it's been a hell of a week mentally for me so I'm gonna let off all the steam I got if I want. But this still isn't about sex.

I think my sex drive is out of whack. I'm wondering if maybe, just maybe, I broke it somewhere along the lines of being single this long. (And not breakin THAT thank you very's still in one piece). Starting to feel rather abnormal again about the whole situation. Then again, I was never comfortable with the concept of hooking up with someone I didn't know. Still, I see that happen a lot and it seems to work out fine for other folks. So, back to question A "Am I abnormal?" Then there's the fact that everyone I work with is straight. Big deal, they know I'm gay and don't care. Now the wierd part is that half of the guys are friggin horndogs who talk to me about girls all the time. They always have a comment like "god that's a nice ass" or something like that which bring to mind question B which is "I don't constantly think about sex with the guys I think are attractive. Am I abnormal?"

See, sex is just a wierd thing in general sometimes. It's not that I don't think about it, but I normally don't. My fantasies actually revolve around seeing someone I find attractive and kissing them, snuggling up close with them, not er...boning them. Now, I will admit that when I do find myself "in the mood", seems to come on like tidal wave and then it's gone (my god but this sounds dirtier every time I try to word it....bear with me here folks).

I'm a horrible flirt. I mean horrible as in very good at it. Hell, I'll flirt with just about anyone as long as I'm comfortable with them. If I don't know them, I just keep my thoughts to myself. I like the little flirting games though. I flirt with my old theater friends to the point where sometime I'm scared it might go too far. That brings us back to sex doesn't it? Cause truthfully, in the long run for me, I could kinda care less about sex in general. (specifics I won't go into cause those are my dirty fantasies and you'll have to buy them if I write them)

Ya dream? Being able to go to sleep next to someone, putting my arm across their chest or his arm across mine and when we wake up...I get to say something like "hey gorgeous" and kiss them. After that? A nice snuggle session followed by more kissing maybe and probably a shower and breakfast. (Well, at least some coffee of I'll be a major bear) Sex just seems secondary for the most part. Still, it would be nice to get laid every once in a while :)

Before I head out of here and off to bed, or rather futon, just wanted to let someone know I was thinking of him. Not gonna name names here but, things will be ok my friend. I'll be here if you need me, or want to talk.

So...(whoo), thanks to D for giving me the idea of colorizing my blog a little more. (and you're a hoot man! I was reading some of your other postings tonight) Just wanted to doll out a couple of big hugs to ya all, cause sometimes ya just need to. So...HUGS. :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Short and sweet

I'll keep this short and sweet cause it's getting late for me and I need food dammit! (well and a shower...and a shave but that's beside the point)

There are folks that I read every day. Some of them are on my blogroll over there, some aren't because...well I'm lazy dammit. I'm still getting around to putting everyone on there that I read so...if you're not on there yet, it's just taking me a while ... yes because I'm lame *grin*

Now, the point of this is that I keep meeting some of the coolest folks because of this little site of mine (I'm gonna let it shine), and I just wanted to say thank you. In talking with someone tonight, I know that the reason I write here is actually for me...but I also know that folks are gonna read it as well. Sometimes I'm a real bitch and sometimes I'm way down. Through it all I've found myself making some really cool friends, so

Thank you.


Blessed Be

Monday, September 19, 2005

The Monday...

I happened to see this on Ryan's site and decided that they were indeed interesting questions. So, why not. There wasn't anything exciting to blog about today. It was Monday..ack..and I had to work..double ack...after being up a little too late from going to see Merry Wives Of Windsor last night. Hey, my friends were in the show and they were great and we all had a good time so..?

Now, of course I'm a little broker than I should be because I decided to go and see if I could get some used Erasure cds only to find that one of my fav used cd shops was closing! Blasphomy! So I gave them around $50 worth of my cash. Then realizing I didn't have the Erasure (or depeche mode) I wanted, off to Tower to spend a little more dosh only to find THEY don't have the albums I want so I'm back to Itunes. Jesus I haven't even considered that I might find them on some free site downloading? yeah I can hear the FBI knockin on my door if ya know what I mean and no thank you to that!

1. What State was you born in? Texas ('s NOT Bush country dammit!)
2. Where was your Parents born? Mom - I think in Austin, Texas Dad - Lockhart, Texas
3. Any Brothers or Sisters? 2 Brothers that have now made me an Uncle 3 times.
4. Grandparents still alive? No. Afraid that all my older kin aren't with me anymore.
5. You play any sports? Well, sometimes I have been known to play tennis. I like bowling. Used to shoot darts on the odd occaission but I'm not particularly good at any of them really.
6. Closer to your Mom or Dad? Neither...rather...I don't feel close to either (father is dead actually)
7. Have any pets? I wish. I want a cat once I move into a place that's a little larger.
8. Plan on getting or are you married? Me? Married? Yeah that'll be the day. Not saying that I don't want to but I can't get a date to save my life if I was the last living homo in the world!
9. Favorite Actor? Hard favorite is still River Phoenix even if he is dead. Living actor? Probably Johnny Depp for his range of movies and characters.
10. Favorite talk show host? Ellen all the way. Matter of fact, she's the only one that I would sit down to watch in the afternoon.

Well, at least tomorrow is Tuesday. I can't say it was a horrid Monday but...I need a new coworker methings. Rather, I need to find a way to politely tell this person that they need to work harder, and faster. I tend to think of my coworkers as the two of us working as a team. We can swap off from working the bar to running the reg, AND still both of us try to keep up with whether or not we're out of sugar, milk, coffee, get the picture. I like working like that. I don't particularly like working like I'm supposed to do everything but run the reg. Ah..enough bitching cause it does no good.

While lately I feel like my life is really dull and boring, if things go right for me soon and I get some cash paid back to me, I think it's really going to be time for a road trip. If not that, then I'm flying the hell out of California and I'm not sure where my destination will be. Any suggestions? (within the US cause I'm not gonna be a rich man by any means)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Do a little dance...make a little love....get down tonight

Wowsers! I mean holy shit batman! There I was just wandering around readin blogs and I decided to check "he who shall not be named" only to find that someone has shut down his blog! (yeah I was keeping my own tabs on him cause I was waiting to be hit myself) Yes indeed folks...our local rudeboy has been terminated. Now, of course being a slightly ponderous individual....question in my mind is this,

Is this Kyle shutting his own blog down, or is it really The message on the site reads as follows:


So....unless he starts this up with another site and a new name, it looks like we have a winner in whoever Jason may be for shutting Kyle down.
Can't say I'm not so doing a little snoopy dance about this. celebration of this event I give you:

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Random, random blatherings of my mind something is really off on my internet tonight I think. Mind ya, I have three spyware programs, run a firewall, AND have my techy friends that come over and fix things that I up here. (thank you will for getting my Itunes back to me!)

Well I did just get my answer to one thing....apparently was doing some kinda updating and that's why all my pages were loading so bloody slowly. Again it proves this : I constantly build things up in my mind that aren't as big a deal as I think they are. I am a worrier.

I just don't know sometimes. Maybe I've got one of the best imaginations going when it comes to the "gloom and doom" department. Not sure why but I always expect the worst scenario to show up. Well I do know why. I expect it so when if it doesn't show up, I'm relieved. Probably sounds really silly to most folks but a long time ago I heard this song from the movie The Twelve Chairs that said "Hope for the best, expect the worst". If ya think about it, it kinda makes sense. Yeah, I let my mind wander too much I suppose but expecting the're ready for it if it happens. No, I'm not saying that I always expect the worst to happen, but in some ways I like to prepare myself so maybe it won't wreck me as much ya know?

Maybe it's the bills that keep coming. I open my little mailbox every day hoping for my latest Rolling Stone, or maybe a surprise letter from a distant friend somewhere, or something I had forgotten I had ordered and what do I find? Junk mail and bills. Whee the fun of mail. Oish. That's why email is grand. Most of the spam gets shuttled off to some obscure corner of your email site and all you get is the good stuff. Now if I would just get my damned subscriptions coming on time I'd be a little happier. Mail is just another clever way of telling you, you exist.

So I have a cellphone that I use more than the homephone (I was getting calls from someone that hopefully has gone away now but I'm never sure). Problem is that my battery seems to be for shite. I'm constantly charging the damn thing and when it gets low, I don't hear it ring, or feel it vibrate. Really starting to bug the crap out of me because only folks that have that number are people I'd actually want to chat with. Which also brings to mind the fact that it doesn't go off nearly enough anymore. Sometimes I hate the fact that everyone seems to be having a much busier life, or more interesting one, than mine. Feh to the negative thinking. But the phone bill showed up today....whee.

I'm sure that this is possibly the most boring posting I have ever written...problem is I'm addicted to writing here now. I'm still not sure how much of my innerself to put out there. Seeing the troubles other folks have been having, makes me slighlty apprehensive to really open up. I said it before, and I mean it and will say it again, that I've met really amazing people because of this silly little blog. People that I think of as my friends. How they see me? I don't know, but in my mind, these are the folks that I'd like to hang out with. Just hope that they/you know that.

Seeing as I bought a new game for my PS2 (Todd MacFarlin's Evil Prophecy), I think it's time I do a little butt kickin on the monsters. Going to see Merry Wives Of Windsor again tomorrow night with a group from my shop, so at least one night this weekend I'll be out of the house and doing something interesting. Hell...I should have friggin invited Altboy, and I still may...if he's working tomorrow. I'll find out one way or another bout that boy dammit ;)

Friday, September 16, 2005

My god but I should be writing all this down

Woo hoo it is the weekend! I've been waiting for this since Monday I swear. I'm gonna do pretty much nothin, well except maybe go riding tomorrow.

So....the story today when I went to pick up something I ordered from Altboy's shop. First of all, he's hella cute. Next I find out that he had already bought what I had him order and just wanted me to give him the cash (basically at discount). Now, I don't know why this is such a big deal to me, but we were chatting a little bit outside while he took a break. First of all, he smokes. This is actually a big deal to me because so do I. I know...I know. It's bad for me and yes, I know, my father died of cancer. I was there for that thank you very much. Still, there's a wierd tie between smokers. You can always bum off them, they don't complain much when kissin ya (don't I wish THAT had happened), and there's an understanding about when you feel you need one.

So, having said that, we were chatting and having a smoke. Turns out that he's just this really amazingly athletic guy. I'd list off the sports he talked about (besides biking), but the bigger deal to me was when I went to leave. See, there seemed to be some kinda wierd vibe (god I hate the word but I don't know how else to explain it). I couldn't look at him...I don't think he looked at me that much. I'm petrified that when we did look at each other he saw right into my soul through my eyes. It was oddly intense for me at least. It was his hands. We shook hands as he was going back in. He has the softest damn hands I have felt in a long time. I swear! Mine are all hardened from 10 years of working as a tech. director at a theatre building sets. His though? .... sigh... :)

This metrosexuality thing really has to end soon. I mean how am I supposed to figure anything out?! Still, I know have a decent bike cover and two lights so I can ride at night. I like riding at night because it's more peacefull. My old car had broken down a long time ago, and that's when I bought my bike and yeah, I rode it to work for the time until I could get my car fixed. At 5:20am, there's no one around. It's really amazing to ride at that hour. Now, I get to ride at night which I'm hoping could be the same sort of experience. Get to be alone with my music and thoughts and the darkness. gothboy roots are showing again.

So...I guess maybe Monday I'll try and track him down again. If he comes in to the shop, I have to find a way to say friggin SOMETHING to him. Not sure what but I think it's time I let him know I'm interested and I'll just have to suffer the consequences of that.

But it's the weekend and I think I'm going to go and play X-Men Legends for a couple of 4 hours.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Our story continues

Well...what to say what to say? It was a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, my hometown. Oh's Prairie Home Companion. I can't use that. I'll get sued possibly, but then again Garrison Keillor sounds like a nice man so maybe he won't? Anyone but me listen to this show on Saturdays? (or maybe Sundays) I really like it myself. It's funny, it's usually got great music (pretty much bluegrass type or country-esque) and Keillor is an amazing story teller. Every week he has his News From Lake Wobegon which is a wonderful monologue about his mythical town that he grew up in. Hm....lost my train of thought there going off on Mr. Keillor and his infinate great stories.

So, it was bound to happen and I knew that it would. Luckily, it wasn't but a momentary thing. He came in today. Altboy wandered in and I found out that he's worked almost 100 hours lately because they need more people where he works. Apparently he is now pretty much the only mechanic they got so..busy busy boy. Did he look good? Oh HELL yeah. Did my heart skip a beat when he said that he'd call me about the bike cover that he ordered for me? OH HELL yeah. Did I start wondering what was up when he told me he'd give me his discount on it when it came in? You bet your sweety bippy I did! Did I want him to just fucking call even if there was no bike cover?! Woooooo Yeah!! (but he didn't)

I'll admit it. I really did try and put the whole idea of romance out of my head completely. I wasn't kiddin folks. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. But....I'm weak. I'm a softy for that smile, and how it seemed that there was something more to it than just giving me a discount on a stupid bike cover. My heart skipped a beat. My stomach flipped. I may have smiled more than I should have. I was lost for a good 5 mintes, then it got really busy so I had something else to focus on thank the Gods. I being stupid? Am I reading more into this? Why did he even come in (other than I do work for a coffee shop...hello?) today when he's been working like a dog lately? I just wish that there was a great cosmic phone I could pick up and get the clue! AAAAAGH! I feel like such a 14 year old when it comes to this stuff. Stupid notes being passed, getting your friends to find out if the like you..blah blah blah. Somewhere in my body there is a pair of balls (ones I don't utilize often...not the others..i use those plenty by myself thank you very much).

That Brat Boy Ethan had some really great posts up today. Stuff that really made me stop and think. I do love reading me some Brat boy :) Seems that all my friends are off and running about somehow. Some of us are taking justice in our own hands (god bless ya but I want to meet you eventually so please keep your body in one piece), others are off meeting new folks at school (and I promise I'll get a proper joke off to you soon), some are even showing off their finest attire (and it's a sexy one too M), some are just starting into what sounds like a great relationship (I'm so going to get home just so we can go out babydoll). Just all of us running around, doing our things....but from my standpoint, I got my arms huggin each and every one of ya. Ya gotta love family, and that's exactly what my friends turn out to be to me. ( incest jokes....well, ok maybe if you want but still...)

Even if Altboy turns out to be a straight man that would want to be the shit out of me, and then never come back into my shop again, I know that there are folks out there who care reguardless. And that's enough for me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

God I think I'm back

Ya ever had that right place at the right time thing happen? You know, someone is where you wind up going and they say something that makes all the bad stuff in your life seemingly vanish for no apparent reason? Well....that was apparently what happened to me tonight.

I tend to spend way too much time at the coffee shop I work for. I go down there at night to do orders for the next day because I hate feeling pressured and rushed. Just easier to get these things done the night before. And there was my friend N. Now I don't get to see her very often because of her work schedual and the fact that the company she works for moved so...only occaissionally do I get to see her now. Well her beaming smiling face started the cracks in my moody bitchy exterior. And she started talking bout the Mraz concert...a little more cracked off. When I said I wasn't sure if I was going to go...well she pulled this "doe eyed/bambi-esque" face and I just lost it then and there. She said something akin to, "but you have to go! If you don't who am I going to say 'Oh my god did you see?!' to?" God love that woman.

So I appologise to all the people out there reading this that I can be such a moody little bitch. I think that all this rigmarow with Altboy got to me more than I thought it did. Kinda puts yer soul in bad places when you feel you got nothing going for ya (i.e. the person you're currently enamored of is either straight or not interested). Least I think that was what it was. Still don't know, but I'm feeling more like my "old self" tonight. Ya know it is amazing that when just one person basically says to you "I really like ya. We have to go and do something", sometimes that's all a person really needs to hear. Just validation that you are exceptional to someone else.

Well, on that note, I got some pretty exceptional friends out who wants to go out and do something? :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I was going to delete the previous post. Only I have problem deleting something once anyone comments on it. (Merci mon ami. Il a signifié beaucoup.)

I was watching tv (yeah wonders never cease but it was a new horror show on the WB called Supernatural and I'm a sucker for that stuff), and I started thinking. Why am I doing this? What the hell do I have to say to the world, or, in a slightly rude sense to anyone that reads this?

I'm not sure why I started this little endevour. I guess I thought it would be a place for my thoughts and ... well I never thought anyone would be reading it to tell the truth. Now, I'm finding myself guarding what I write. I'm wondering if what I would say would freak people, or make them worry and that's not what I want people to do. I guess I'm wondering how to reveal my inner workings, and still keep enough back so I don't sound like I'm fishing for sympathy.

People change from moment to moment. One moment you're angry about something, and twenty minutes later you are laughing it up with friends. We're all too damn complex. Just having difficulty deciding how much of "me" I feel comfortable showing people. I know I talk alot about the masks we all wear (and I have a bunch of them), but how do you show your real face and still make sure that folks know you're ok?

And the mental rambling continues. Now if I'm lucky, after a long hot shower I'll be tired enough to sleep.

I must be tired

My buddy Adam was talking about how hard it is for him to get to bed at a decent hour. Well I know the feeling. I'm having trouble getting to sleep lately myself. Why? Who the hell knows. I thought that if I ate early enough it wouldn't matter ya know? (If I eat too late it tends to keep me up) I don't drink caffinated stuff past say 7pm so that's not it. All I know is that I feel really restless at night lately. Granted, me being the idiot that I am will find myself involved with either the internet, my PS2, or a movie and not want to turn any of them off. Just hoping that I can make it an early evening tonight. Hell, I even wound up taking an unexpected nap today after work. Ya know what? I don't feel like it did any good. WTF?

Monday was rough, but today was just...wierd. I felt like I hadn't slept at all at work. I guzzled coffee like a drowning man with a well full of water. That's really not like me either. I tend to have 4 cups sure...but I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking and the caffine effects never made me jittery. That is actually a bad sign folks. By the end of the day, I was spaced out and tired so I hit the Hollywood to find a movie to go and relax to. Nada, zip, nothing good so I wound up with a copy of Jesus Of Montreal (luckily for me this one is subtitled) and two films just because they sounded like maybe they'd be interesting at least. Well, the film NERO was DULLO. Normally I like Roman Empire stories but this one just...I don't know. Dull dull dull and the cute guy on the cover wound up looking ... well not so cute but that's what I get.

I was thinking last night bout something Marianne Williams said on one of her tapes. She's a "self help" person and she was relating a story about how she had a really great day, and the next day she was one the phone calling a friend telling them she thought she had a brain tumor. Her friend's repsonce was " had a good day yesterday. You don't have a brain tumor. It's just backlash because you don't know how to have a good day." Well folks, I'm feelin the brain tumor day action lately. I'm all moody again and it's starting to really kinda scare me. I don't like flip flopping like this. Number's really friggin annoying! Up one minute, distressed the next? Kinda thing that would turn me to drink, but I have to get up and do the work thing. The other reason it worries me is that both times I've felt like this bad stuff has happened somewhere. First time it was one of my patrons dying. Second time it was shortly before New Orleans flooded. I don't need any more bad shit in my life or in the world right now.

What I said last night still holds true. I don't really want to think about romance in my personal life because it only leads to me getting all mopy lately. But ya know what? It's really hard to push these things back in the box again. It's about the only thing that actually made me feel like I was "feeling" anything. Sometimes even that wierd pain is a good thing because it lets you know you are alive. Hell, I've been so random that I'm surprised that someone hasn't just put me in a funny farm anyways.'s time to find food because I'm going to do something tonight I rarely do. I'm going to watch a Tv show. That's right...there's some wierd show called Supernatural (?) on the WB and i have to see what the hell it is. So, here I'll be, wrapped up in a blanket watchin the tube. Anyone that wants to come on over...well that would be fine by me. I wouldn't mind the company.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Queer as Philosophers

You are Michael.

Which Queer As Folk Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Jesus...I don't even watch this show and that sounds like me. WTF? Comic books and a crush on his best friend? Goddammit! That is my life. I'm suing!! Now, much as I didn't like the initial episode, I think I'm going to have to try one last time and get into QAF. Hell, Michael was about the only character that didn't really annoy me on the first couple of watchings.

So, I wanna say thanks for the concern about my knee. It's feeling better tonight. My day at work was interesting from it though. Only seems to really hurt dependant on how I move it and in what direction. Oh well...I'm a pack horse anyways so I tend to just push through stuff like this. After coming home today and laying down it definately seems that the more it's stretched out completely the better it feels. Wondering if I hyper-extended something. (didn't warn ya that I have a minor thing for medicine) At any rate...Ryan, if ya know of a cute boy to come take care of this invalid (me)...well hell, send 'em over.

Which brings me to my next point. I was thinking today (always a dangerous situation) and came to a conclusion. I decided that I was swearing off the ideas of romance and dating in my life for a while. I have no idea how long, but it seemed like it was for the best what with Altboy and Ben and it's just apparently meant to be. Now, on the other hand, I live vicariously through my friends so all you friends out there I wanna hear great stories of love love love! Figure that as long as my friends are happy and in love, or in the prospects thereof, I kinda get a little bit of it too.

My friend Jenn the other night said that I have a big heart. I staid that it was a fool's heart, but she still says I have a big heart. So, I thought about what I'm doing with my life, and what I'd like to do. I've noticed recently that I've been offering a lot of folks support, and an ear if they want someone to talk to about things. I'm sort of scared that it maybe comes across too strong, but the truth is, I made the offer in all honest intentions.

I think it all comes down to the fact that if I can help even one person in this godforsaken world, I've done something. Whether anyone else in the universe knows that I've done it is irrelevant. I will. I'll know that for the rest of my life I was able to do something for someone else to ease their pains. That is important to me. Now if that makes me a fool, or a bighearted person, I don't know. All I do know is that if I can do this, and then maybe they do it for someone else, it will eventually complete a circle and we all know that the world is a .. well not exactly a circle but you get my point.

Jeezo I'm all philosophical lately. Just been doing that "thinking too much" thinga again and realizing, maybe if i can fix my life, find my motivation, etc...then maybe then it will be time for finding someone to love eh? Maybe it won't. Maybe it never will be. I have no clue. Just know that I read all these great blogs and I see people that seem to empowered in thier own lives and it definately encourages me.

Ok...enough of the long blog. Short and sweet...I am swearing off romance and dating in my life, I will try and do what I can to help out my friends with their lives (because I believe it will ultimately help mine), and I will attempt to get my life going in a direction that will make me happier. Whoo....jesus who wrote out this damn list?

Sunday, September 11, 2005

In "knee"d of assistance

I feel like I'm sitting by a mailbox waiting for an important document to arrive. Grrr...bloody slow internet repsonce. Nothing big mind ya, just waiting for a validation code from but dammit, I figured it would be automated or something. Then again I'm an email whore who checks in to his little box of good/bad messages probably more than 4 times a day. Yeah...I likes getting emails. Hell, it's more exciting when I get actually mail that isn't either a bill, or my latest issue of Game Informer (which reminds me I need to see what new games are out).

So, I have a new fun item now. Bought a knee brace. Why I thought that bouncing around on uneven dirt (with small rocks and some twigs) was a good idea I don't know. Granted, I was serious when I said that I couldn't have stopped myself even if I wanted to. Still reeling a bit from the concert yesterday. Think tomorrow is going to be a partial Spearhead Monday at work. Now if I can just take it easy on the knee, everything will be hunky-dorey (with thanks to David Bowie for the album of the same name). Guess I should go and see a doctor if it doesn't get better in a few days but I don't trust doctors anyways. All they want to do is treat symptoms, not really the problem ya know? (this does not include the serious stuff like broken bones, needs for surgery, etc)

Sigh...back to checking my emails, waiting to see if anyone pops up on Yahoo to chat with, and probably a trip down the comic shop. Woo hoo! Serenity Issue 4 is out and they're holding all three covers for me! Sigh....I'm gonna go broke one of these days, but I'll have cool shite to read!

Power to the Peaceful

Oh my god. My knee feels like it is completely shot. My feet are killin me. But I danced for an hour and half straight in Golden Gate Park with an amazing crowd where you could honestly feel the love from each and every one of them.

Now, I hadn't intended to dance today. The first artist we got to hear was Saul Williams who burned up the mic. The guy is an amazing spoken word artist and poet, and he combined that with a dj spinning wickedly bad ass beats. But I didn't dance...I just tried to take in what Saul was up there saying. He was amazing!

So, Dan and Hawley and I roamed around looking at booths, getting flyers, etc. We wound up sort of losing each other (they went their way I went mine) but we all had our phones (and how techno-savy does that make us? heh) and I had a good time perusing different things like organic tea and coffee, shirts handmade in Nepal (should have bought it dammit) and all sorts of other great stuff. Then I heard sounded like Spearhead on the main stage. I grabbed my phone, found out where they were standing in the crowd and made my way to them.

Here is where it all went ever so right. I started dancing. I really couldn't help myself. The sun was shining, the music was amazing (well Spearhead is one of my top 10 all time favs), and everyone was just enjoying themselves. An hour and a half later (after jumping up and down most of the time because Michael Franti kept asking the crowd to do that), it was over with a song called Never Too Late (honestly, click the link and take a look at the lyrics). Best thing about it is that he asked everyone in the crowd to put their arms around their friends, lovers, the person that was standing next to them...silly as it sound, it was the most amazing thing all day. Hell, I even grabbed the guy who was standing next to me and put my arm around him. He looked slightly down because everyone seemed to be with other folks...who knows, maybe he had lost his friends. I just didn't want him to be alone at that point. I doubt I will forget how this show made me feel. It reminded me that people can be marvelous and loving.

Now, the slightly down side to having probably 25,000 folks around ya was that everyone was lighting up it seemed. No need to bring your own weed if you smoked it, there was enough wafting through the air for a contact high. Then again, i would rather have that than a bunch of drunken idiots. Drunks bother me. They are the ones that get into fights and stumble into ya and spill their beer on ya. Stoners? Well, at least you can say that they are mellow as a generalization.

I swear I saw everything from hippies to punk rockers (Anti-flag was also on the bill) to folks older than me and ya know what? Everyone was mellow and seemed to have a good time. There were no fights, although I hear that a drum circle had to be broken up but that happened after the festival was over. I just felt this amazing sense of happiness and love spilling out around me everywhere. And yes, it was just what I've been needing.

So I'm gonna spread it here. I want each and every one of you to have a big bear hug that shakes ya down to your toes. Who ever you may be reading this post, that hug is good unlimittedly. This is not a limitted time offer. So people, if I see ya...and I mean if I meet ya in better expect that hug is coming.

"Power to the peacefull. Love to the peacefull." - Michael Franti

Friday, September 09, 2005

"All the freaky people make the beauty of the world" - Michael Franti

Well well well my darlins. Here I was thinking that I was going to be having a boring weekend of possibly laundry, maybe pruning out in the garden, or just being a lazy ass and doing nothing all day. Plans seem to have changed.

Tomorrow in SF there is a free festival called Power To The Peaceful put on by Michael Franti. If ya don't know him, well babies, RUN to a record store and by Stay Human. The man is amazing. Just look at the PTTP link cause there's a link about him on their site as well. Now, I know that almost all of you aren't here in Cali, but I do urge ya to take a look. I'm really excited because my phone actually rang (ok, I tend to screen my home phone's calls but it was someone I wanted to talk to) and it was Dan. He wanted to know if I wanted to go with him and Hawley to the PTTP tomorrow. I was iffy because, well I could use some extra sleep and...I was then informed by Halwey via Dan that I was going. So, tomorrow is Dim Sum for brunch and 11-5 festival with music, skaterboarder (oh yum!), Djs (maybe I'll actually dance) and tons more. And here I was complaining early about my life. FEH!

So, of course, who came in the shop today? Altboy. Sigh. Now my friend J has decided that he is going to try and find out if Altboy is gay. Nice of him to do, but I don't really know J that well so it's sort of surprising and my guard went up a bit. J is a really nice guy though, so I don't know why I am/was worried. Hell, the first time I met J he came in and I thought he was cute. I asked him about a jacket he was wearing and he informed me it was his boyfriend's. Well, that's one way to have the internal question answered. So, at least I know he's not going to be trying to make time with my Altboy. Hm...I wouldn't mind makin some time with him...ack, where was I?

I'm still going to go under the assumption that Altboy is straight for now. Just makes my life easier and, well, if he does turn out to be gay...I'll probably freak cause then I won't know how to approach him. Yeah, I was the wallflower at school. I was the guy that when you are set up on a blind date your friends tell you that I have "a great personality". In short, I'm skittish and shy and fumble for words when I'm around folks I'm interested in. Anyways, I don't know why I thought he might be gay (although the way he talks is steriotypical but that's just stupidity on my part). I tend to assume everyone I meet is straight until proven otherwise. Ah well...

Have a great weekend folks. I'll fill ya in on all the festivities (and maybe pictures) from PTTP tomorrow night!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Last word of the day

So I'm a little less agro at myself now and figured I can say that yes, Altboy came in today. He looked great, well to me at least. Told me that he had to go in on his day off yesterday cause one of the employees had something happen...I don' t recall now. Fact was that after he left I started talking with my coworker. The conversation went thusly,

CW: Dude. I think you need to get your gaydar looked at.
ME: What?
CW: I think your gaydar is broken man.
ME: Straight huh?
CW: Yup.
ME: Figures.

And it does. I have this really horrible habit of finding straight guys attractive. Not only that, but when they're cute and nice to me? Well I'm an idiot of course. Hell, I wish that he never showed me that damn tattoo. Giving a drowing man an eyedroppers worth of water that was. And before anyone say anything...I know..more fish in the sea blah blah blah hell with the fish and the guys. Long as I can keep my stupid imagination under control, I think that I'm just as well off having good friends as having some stupid relationship. Funny thing is that once this was all said, I hit this feeling of resignation to the fact that I should just stop even caring bout Altboy (well in that fashion mind ya cause he can still fix my bike if I need it).

Hell, your friends may bitch at you, yell at you, laugh at you even (and you know I honestly don't get mad when they do for the most part), but the one thing my friends have never done is desert me. Well not the real ones at least.

Leaves me back where I started at least. No horrible broken heartedness. No messy fights and ending. Hell, I guess single isn't that bad. Sides, the last couple of times I tried to date someone they turned out to be either a psycho, or an alcoholic slut. Guess you could say I don't have the best of luck with men. Yeah yeah, boo hoo hoo poor me. Feh. I'm over it.

As Sir Toby Belch says (and thank you Shakespeare) "It's all one."

1984's greatest? oish...

So this meme is getting passed around a bit. The year? 1984 What I liked? Well it's highlighted. What I think sucks...pretty much everything else. the ones in Red held a special place in my heart. The ones in Blue are just great song. Everything else on this list pretty much is sub-par, mediocre, and boring to me. Yes, that includes the Police, Van halen, Phil Collins and the like.

1. When Doves Cry, Prince
2. What's Love Got To Do With It, Tina Turner
3. Say Say Say, Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson
4. Footloose, Kenny Loggins
5. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now), Phil Collins (If I never hear this song again it will be too damn soon! )
6. Jump, Van Halen
7. Hello, Lionel Richie (Vomitourious!)
8. Owner Of A Lonely Heart, Yes
9. Ghostbusters, Ray Parker Jr.
10. Karma Chameleon, Culture Club
11. Missing You, John Waite
12. All Night Long (All Night), Lionel Richie
13. Let's Hear It For The Boy, Deniece Williams
14. Dancing In The Dark, Bruce Springsteen
15. Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper
16. The Reflex, Duran Duran
17. Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper
18. Jump (For My Love), Pointer Sisters
19. Talking In Your Sleep, Romantics
20. Self Control, Laura Branigan
21. Let's Go Crazy, Prince and The Revolution
22. Say It Isn't So, Daryl Hall and John Oates (die Hall and Oates)
23. Hold Me Now, Thompson Twins
24. Joanna, Kool and The Gang
25. I Just Called To Say I Love You, Stevie Wonder
26. Somebody's Watching Me, Rockwell
27. Break My Stride, Matthew Wilder
28. 99 Luftballons, Nena
29. I Can Dream About You, Dan Hartman
30. The Glamorous Life, Sheila E.
31. Oh Sherrie, Steve Perry
32. Stuck On You, Lionel Richie (why didn't Lionel Richie just go away?)
33. I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues, Elton John
34. She Bop, Cyndi Lauper
35. Borderline, Madonna
36. Sunglasses At Night, Corey Hart
37. Eyes Without A Face, Billy Idol
38. Here Comes The Rain Again, Eurythmics
39. Uptown Girl, Billy Joel (sue me...I like Billy Joel's old stuff)
40. Sister Christian, Night Ranger
41. Drive, Cars
42. Twist Of Fate, Olivia Newton-John
43. Union Of The Snake, Duran Duran
44. The Heart Of Rock 'N' Roll, Huey Lewis and The News (Huey Lewis never should have happened)
45. Hard Habit To Break, Chicago
46. The Warrior, Scandal
47. If Ever You're In My Arms Again, Peabo Bryson
48. Automatic, Pointer Sisters
49. Let The Music Play, Shannon
50. To All The Girls I've Loved Before, Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson
51. Caribbean Queen, Billy Ocean
52. That's All, Genesis
53. Running With The Night, Lionel Richie
54. Sad Songs (Say So Much), Elton John
55. I Want A New Drug, Huey Lewis and The News
56. Islands In The Stream, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton
57. Love Is A Battlefield, Pat Benatar
58. Infatuation, Rod Stewart
59. Almost Paradise, Mike Reno and Ann Wilson
60. Legs, ZZ Top
61. State Of Shock, Jacksons
62. Love Somebody, Rick Springfield
63. Miss Me Blind, Culture Club
64. If This Is It, Huey Lewis and The News
65. You Might Think, Cars (the Cars should have died a fast death too)
66. Lucky Star, Madonna
67. Cover Me, Bruce Springsteen
68. Cum On Feel The Noize, Quiet Riot
69. Breakdance, Irene Cara
70. Adult Education, Daryl Hall and John Oates
71. They Don't Know, Tracy Ullman
72. An Innocent Man, Billy Joel
73. Cruel Summer, Bananarama
74. Dance Hall Days, Wang Chung
75. Give It Up, K.C.
76. I'm So Excited, Pointer Sisters
77. I Still Can't Get Over Loving You, Ray Parker Jr.
78. Thriller, Michael Jackson
79. Holiday, Madonna ( Um....NO!)
80. Breakin'... There's No Stopping Us, Ollie And Jerry
81. Nobody Told Me, John Lennon
82. Church Of The Poison Mind, Culture Club
83. Think Of Laura, Christopher Cross
84. Time Will Reveal, Debarge
85. Wrapped Around Your Finger, Police (board with the Police!)
86. Pink Houses, John Cougar Mellencamp
87. Round And Round, Ratt
88. Head Over Heels, Go-Go's
89. The Longest Time, Billy Joel
90. Tonight, Kool and The Gang
91. Got A Hold On Me, Christine McVie
92. Dancing In The Sheets, Shalamar
93. Undercover Of The Night, Rolling Stones
94. On The Dark Side, John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band
95. New Moon On Monday, Duran Duran
96. Major Tom (Coming Home), Peter Schilling
97. Magic, Cars
98. When You Close Your Eyes, Night Ranger
99. Rock Me Tonite, Billy Squier
100. Yah Mo B There, James Ingram and Michael McDonald

Good lord I'm an idiot

Damn me. Although that seems redundant at the moment. No...damn him! No...damn me for being stupid. grrrrrrr.

Why am I so stupid when it comes to love and crushes? Why am I so damn pathetic? I swear if I could just sit down opposite myself for a while and talk to me (yes this sounds rather psychotic but the fact is I have often thought about facing myself) for a while maybe...just maybe I could actually convince whatever part of my brain misfires to stop getting crushes.

It's not Altboy's fault. I get these stupid crushes where I go into fantasy realm and I get so damn mad at myself when I do it. I see a pretty smile and they're nice to me, and I start wondering and the fantasy begins and I just need to learn that it's not real. I need to get my brain rebooted maybe. Hell, maybe I have some wierd trojan in there, who knows.

Feh. I'll fill everyone in later. Just rather agro about it right now. I think it's time for some quality me and the Karate film time.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Our story now continues

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was pining away for the love of an Altboy. Would our lovelorn and greekly physiqued physiqued hero find the love he was after???

Oh hell fire and damnation. All morning I was saying to myself, "come on...come on...just come in today". Well it backfired. No Altboy this morning. I think I have my answer on what was on my mind now. I am doubting greatly that he's gay. Or, if he is...he's not interested...or of course he is both and just didn't come in. WTF?! How can I get three different options as answers in my head? It's like having a friggin magic 8 ball rolling around in here. we'll see what happened when, and if, he shows up tomorrow. Fact is, he doesn't come in every day so...???

So how did all of this backfire on me? Well, Ben did show up today. Now for those following at home...Ben is cute...Ben is not straight...Ben seems somewhat flirtatious at times...Ben has a boyfriend. DOH! Still, I keep thinking of ways to ask him to go out for lunch, or just to get him to hang out sometime because I would like to get to know him better. I'm not the kinda horrid individual that goes around trying to break people up so I can have them. I just crumble a little inside when I do find out that they are still...unatainable. The one good scene from today's episode?

Ben: Well, I wish you had that ginger syrup. I had some ginger in my OJ once and really liked it.

Me: Well we have fresh ginger.

Ben: You do?

Me: We use it in our chai.

Ben: Well, when I've had ginger at sushi it's always tasted like soap.

Cut to me cutting up a part of a hand of ginger and explaing why the call it a hand and offering him a taste of a small sliver. His reaction was priceless. I popped one in my mouth at the same time and bit down and the lovely hot and spicy flavour invaded all of my sinus cavities and my tongue. Then again, I knew what to expect. I don't think he did. His reaction was that it was "intense". Still, he took the slivers I cut up and popped them in his Oj and away he went.

To quote the movie Face-Off : "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you walk away."

Tune in tomorrow to see if our hero will see the Altboy of his dreams and make a fool out of himself trying to ask to photograph the tattoo on Altboy's belly! See our hero turn inwardly into a pile of goo if Altboy smiles at him. Watch our intrepid hero's brain explode if he can finally ask for a number or if Altboy would like to hang out. Oh the drama....oh the humanity!