Tuesday, November 29, 2005
There's a sense sometimes that I'm watching life happen. I'm a casual observer in this grande and complex movie that's happening before my eyes. I don't always get to write the script but I'm playing a part as well. Problem is that there's really no script. There are constant re-writes going on even as we speak. It's eposidic as well. Characters come and characters go. Some of these characters pop up from time to time later on in this wierd little movie of life. Sometimes they are let go from teh seriese and make guest appearences. Luckily for me, there are no commercials. Odder yet, sometimes I honestly feel that this is reality, this movie/tv show concept. So what would you do if it were? I mean honestly, what would you do if you woke up to find that one of your favourit characters had left the show?
I'm having a little "out of site, out of mind" trouble lately. There are folks that are constantly with me in my head and heart, and others that I know are out there and who I haven't talked to in a while and suddenly they crop back up be it for good or bad. I just recently read from a friend that her mom had died. Freaked me out because while I love my Ruby a lot, I haven't heard from her in months. Her mom died suddenly and quite unexpectedly. Course I sent her a message as soon as I had heard but it just started me thinking about how we drift in and out of others lives. It doesn't mean I don't love Ruby any more or less, just that I haven't heard from her and I had my life going full tilt boogy and...well I missed something somewhere it seems.
So, I wanna start scripting my film/tv show. I want to know where all the characters are and what they're doing and how they are and maybe make a guest spot on their spin-off shows ya know? Hell, maybe even do the "reunion" show like they seem to do with things that run forever.
And that's just how I plan it. This little show of my life is going to run forever reguardless. Sometimes I don't wanna see the reviews of the show, but it's mine, and I'm kinda happy with it for the most part. So y'all know that you're free to visit my set at any time, any day.
Maybe it's just the actor in me striving to get back out there and create. I don't know. Just know that there are folks I don't ever want to lose contact with and I'll do my best if they will. In the grander scheme of things, the stuff like boyfriends and being rich and famous just doesn't amount to a hill of bean. What matters to me is keeping those I feel close around me for as long as I can and hopefully forever.
Much love and adorations to my little brother Ryan. I'll miss reading your site.
That's it...I'm nackered. Ya know I may not always comment on your sites, but I'll be thinkin bout ya none the less. Hell, I got some damn fine folks as friends out there. So get yourselves in costume and makeup cause I want ya in my movie.
That's a wrap.
Monday, November 28, 2005
It's raining here, or it was. I love the rain. I hear so many folks saying how they hate it and it makes them depressed and blah blah blah. Well ya know what? I miss actual weather. In Texas we would have great thunder and lightening storms, torrential rains, tornado warnings, flash flood warnings, and I even remember it snowing 3 or 4 times in and around Austin. Out here in Cali? You have sunshine and sometimes overcast and then wooop...Sunshine. Believe me it gets really boring.
So why do I love rain? Because it evokes so much. Makes you wanna cuddle up in a blanket in the winter months. Put on a pot of tea or coffee and sit around watching old movies. You can build a fire if you're lucky enough to have a fireplace and just feel all cozy and warm listening to it make those delicious patters outside. Something soothing about the sound of rain to me. And in the summer? Ooo boy! You can go for walks in the rain, dance in the rain, splash in the puddles and if you were lucky enough to have space where the neighbors can't see I betcha I'd be out dancin nekid in the rain if it was warm enough. Guess it kinda brings the kid out in me. Hell, for some reason rain makes ME happy. So it's nice to know it may do it again tomorrow but there'll probably be sunshine *grumble*.
I am so lagging right now. I haven't even called my mom to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving but ... I'll just email her because I'm not sure I really want to talk to her. Not sure I really want to deal with my relatives at all anymore. Sure, it sounds harsh but I get more support and love from folks here at the Blogging Cocktail party and from my friends in Cali. It's all about who understands ya and who let's you be you. Hell, they don't even know me anymore so...but, I'm sure I'll send them presents for Christmas hehe.
So it's a random night here in my head with a few too many things pressing here and there. I got a couple of trains running around in there right now that I'm still co-ordinating, and on a completely different line I'm slowly trying to get the cars connected for a different train to start running.
My but I am an odd odd camper at times :)
Sunday, November 27, 2005
I did just get back from dinner with Doll and James. Called me slightly out of the blue and whoops, there it was. It was really nice just sitting and bullshitting. See, that's what I'm talking bout. That doesn't happen nearly enough for me and it's what keeps me sane. Otherwise I tend to eat here at home and watch a movie, or play videogames, or sit around on the computer. I crave conversation! Well, that and a good meal hehe. (and while we are at it, I'll throw in the concept of a boyfriend as well for good measure)
So it's almost December and who'd have thunk it would be here so fast? Year is almost gone and I am not anywhere near where I want to be again. Hm...could it be do to the fact that I'm lazy? Or maybe a dreamer? Yeah....there's always procrastination to take into account as well. BUT, I do plan on doing, at the very least, the Christmas Card thing. Just have to print them up. I have a picture I really liked from my trip last year to Disneyland that I wanted to use. Sigh....D'land. I know that Doll and James are going to be going back in December but I don't think I'm going to have the money this year. *sniffle*
*sigh* I want to play some more of God Of War but it's almost 11 for me and the alarm will go off at 5ish.
Oh hell...maybe 10 minutes of a movie won't kill me. Just something to get me a little more sleepy so I can get up early. The one good part? Ben had gone to see his family so I haven't seen him for a while. I'm hoping that he's back tomorrow morning. I may be an idiot, but he makes me smile. Ya gotta have something to look forward to don't ya? I'm still trying to find the right way to ask him to go and have dinner with me....or even coffe. Just kinda awkward to ask someone while you're working if they'll go and eat with you. And how do you make it sound not like a date but just the truth, I want to sit and talk to him ya know? Want to get to know him a little better. Guess it's going to sound like a date reguardless of what I do. Would I date him? You bet your bippy I would. Would he date me? I sincerely doubt it. Oddly enough though....I'm kinda ok with that for once.
Thanksgiving was actually really nice. I really enjoyed the whole eating with D and H and their parents. We even went for a walk after turkey dining and the came back for desserts! This of course reminds me of something I've been thinking a lot lately. I need to be around people more. I need to be out and hanging with folks more because I, usually given the right folks, have a blast. I need more of that fun in my life. I'm really tired of just working day in-day out, week after week and blah blah blah. I know, cry me a river because it's what's going to be going on for the rest of my life but dammit! Everynow and then you just wanna bust out and not have to work. Guess that's called a vacation lol!
It's late/early on a Saturday/Sunday night/morning. All about perspective you know. I just got around to finishing up reading my own list of bloggers, making comments, doing a little mailing. I went to see Irving Berlin's White Christmas with D tonight. That's why I'm so late in putting this together. (of course the double latte surging through me doesn't help much) I love spending time with D. He's one of those people that actually spurs my creative juices. (NAUGHTY! I mean my creative force in terms of writing or doing something artistic you wicked wicked people...but he is cute) We actually have a lot in common while we think so oppositely sometimes. He's one of my best friends and I love him to death. Wish I got to hang out with him more.
The show was kinda, ok. But, going up to San Fran and just being out of this area, and with someone I like talking with ... that was the good part. So that was sort of my weekend. Been a hell of a week too. Seeing RENT twice on Wends, having Thanksgiving on Thurs, working on Friday at 8 rather than 6:30 and now the play tonight. I don't feel spent, I feel rather invigorated actually. Course I haven't gotten shite done around the studio really like I planned but hey, I can do that tomorrow I guess.
Sigh...another picture of my new boyfriend who will soon be my husband Anthony Rapp. Now I just have to meet him, get him to dump his boyfriend, get him to fall in love with me, and then we'll see what happens ;) In the mean time, a boy can dream can't he?
Hm...blogger is being persnickity so I guess I'll load it some other time.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Now, I'm supposed to go over to D and H's for Thanksgiving dinner in an hour or so. I should have been up a few hours ago but I actually got to sleep in for once so...F it! hehe. Of course I am also now convinced that I will be marrying Anthony Rapp from Rent. Ain't he gorgeous? (and apparently doing a production of Hedwig And The Angry Inch and an upcoming production of Little Shop of Horrors).
So...I am off to have one of my guilty pleasures here...a long hot shower. I love luxuriating under really hot water and just feeling it cascade over me until I look like a prune! I absolutely hate cold showers. Well, I dislike being cold in general but cold showers? The worst! And then it's off to the shop to do a few things before the dinner this afternoon. Actually if it weren't for the free food, I would consider just sitting around playing video games....or going back and seeing RENT again hehe. Hm...dinner can't take that long ;)
I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Eat too much turkey, get all sleepy afterwards and lay around on the couch like a 5 ton sack of potatos with your favorite movie or sports show on. Cause ain't that what it's all about babies? That turkey coma and the ultimate in lounging?
Big love to you all. "Today for you. Tomorrow for me"!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Things have been moving slowly for me. Odd things happening like Altboy coming in the other day. I haven't seen that cat for maybe 2 months and what does he tell me? "My girlfriend bought me a coffeemaker." Well, that about covers that one now doesn't it? Good-bye Altboy. You're lovely to look at but I was over you anyways.
My dearest family and I took high tea on Saturday and it couldn't have come at a better time. I miss them a lot. We all sat around laughing, insulting one another and in general, enjoyings the company we were in. Besides, i had never had "high tea" and the room was beautiful. I'll post some shots later maybe. The best was going to see Harry Potter with them afterwards. I think in all I spent maybe 5 hours with my family and it made me excessively happy.
Now, tomorrow, I get to go see RENT thanks to my sister. You see, my relatives seem to care less about me. I care less about them because of it. They can't take the time to call me even so they can all FOD. The only person that does try and contact me is my mom, and I just don't want to deal with her games. Too much drama. May sound harsh but my real family, the ones I'm related to...well I don't really know them and they don't know me anymore. Since niether of my brothers bothers to try and talk to me...what should I care? The people I consider my family have never forgotten me though, and has always been there even when I didn't feel I was worthy of them. They actually make me feel loved, accepted, and understood. So Didi, Desi, Delirium my sweet, and Destruction....I love you all immensely.
I hope that you all have a great Thanksgiving. I'll be thinking of a lot this year, probably more than I have before. Just the feeling I have about it right now. I'm spending the day with D and H and their parents....we'll see how wierd this is when I get there I guess. Still, at least someone out there wanted me to be with them. People that I love a lot. Having been the one that was usually last in line for things, or the fifth wheel a lot, it actually means a great deal to me. I don't know how to tell them that without sounding all sentimental and stupid. Just the fact that H asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving meant a lot. Meant I wouldn't be sitting here staring at TV screen eating fast food. Been feeling like I was invisible around work lately and sometimes in the world in general. What's worse is that I probably did that to myself.
Been thinking about how I am coming up on a milestone this year, plus the fact that my blog is almost 6 months old now. I suppose I should go back and see what the hell I've been rambling about over the past half year. Sometime I wonder why I keep doing this. Sometimes I write just for me and it's about venting. My dream though? Maybe one day I'll say the write thing and change someone's life for the better. Stupid I know but it's my dream so if you don't believe it can happen...well it will just make me try and make it happen all the more.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Gerald was in school to finish up his dissertation (if I remember right), and what was the field? Art. A kindred spirit seemed to me. He allowed me to be as silly as I want because he never took offense when I wrote in what some people may consider "black" slang terms.
My friend Gerald passed away and I don't know how to deal with this really. I just got a message in an email today and all i can think is that I wish I had actually met him in person just once. Wish that I had talked to him on the phone just once. Wish that we had hung out and gotten shitfaced and laugh our asses off just once. For all the times that he lifted me up in his own way, I loved him for it.
You are and will always be a prince my little angry black cub. May flights of angels sing thee to thy sleep.
For my babydoll
I know that there's nuthin sweeter than them sugar from those lips.
You know what I'm meanin so don't try and play ignant.
Y'all best be shakin that ass to some funkiest of beats with a drink in both hands
and a man in both arms.
I ain't never gonna say bye to you babycakes.
You's always here in this heart of mine.
Ain't got nuthin but love baby....nuthin but love.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
So Ben came in today and ya know what? Everything was really copasetic. I know I'm not "over" him but my emotions weren't in an uproar and....sigh....yeah he's still amazingly gorgeous to me. My friend Luck told me last night that she thinks that he likes me more than I think he does. Well hell's bells! That would be sweet if he didn't have a friggin boyfriend. I try and make it a hard fast rule that you just don't mess with folks that are invovled with people. It's not fair to anyone invovled ya know. Plus it's just not nice for God's sake. I know how I would feel if I had a boyfriend who decided to mess around with someone else. Let's just say that we probably wouldn't be boyfriends anymore and there might be a little bit of blood ;)
So Ben. Ben reminds me that yeah, I may not be able to get everything I want, but that there are folks out there who are pretty damn near perfect for me. Now I just have to go out and find them for christ's sake. Still wish that he wasn't already invovled. Of course we get to play "MICHAEL'S WACKY BRAIN GAME" now. Here's how it works.
Because of what Luck told me, I started wondering about it myself. I start thinking about what she said "He likes you more than you think." So my brain goes out on this limb first....
Na, he's just a nice guy. (next limb I climb says)
Maybe he doesn't really have a boyfriend but wants me to think he does. (next limb to climb on) He's maybe waiting for me to make a "move"??? (climb down two limbs)
Na...I asked him to come and see some movies with me and he was always busy?(come back down to earth finally with this one)
Maybe she's right and he....na...but maybe...but...hmmmmmm
So there ya go. Michael's wacky brain and thought process brought to you by: Confusion, also brought to you by Dreaming Fantasies. Normal programming returning. Thanks for watching. Stay tuned for "Groovin New Sounds".
So i have a couple of bands to toss out there into the Frey. Really been digging a band called Goldspot Don't know if they're everyone's cup of tea but they tend to remind me of folks like Keane (another great group). Other recent finds include Esthero and The Ike Reilly Assassination . Yeah, my tastes are a little wacky but hey....Punk to Jungle to Opera ya gotta love music!
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
So I just finished watching this amazing movie called Smile. Beautiful film. Now you know I'm a sentimental kinda guy and this movie really kicked me in the heart. Can't recommend it enough actually, but maybe that's just me.
Course, now all my thoughts are turning and twisting and I don't know what to write again. Thinking about my friend Larry. Wishing I could do something more than offering up my thoughts and prayers, but sometimes that's all you can do. He and I are really rather a like in a lot of ways. He's a good guy.
Ya know, I've said it before but I really do mean this when I say I have met some of the most amazing folks because of this silly little piece of net space. Folks that fill my heart with a lot of joy and love. It's as if there was a reason for me to be here...well I mean here on the internet, here writing all of this. I don't know what it is because...well I'm a guy that doesn't like to think so much actually. Thinking cuases me to have these wierd brain loops that start with one thing and the next thing ya know, I've got to control the traffic in my head like it's rush hour.
Ya ever wonder what would happen if we all actually met? I like to think about it from time to time. Like to think of a big party where all my friends could be in the same place and there'd be lots of good food and drink and music and hopefully everyone would get along. Hell, maybe one day I'll make the rounds (when I'm excessively rich if not famous or infamous).
People. People is just a wild thought to me. I see so many folks in the shop day in day out, and sometimes I want them to just go away because I can't dredge up the compassion for them. I can't say it makes me a bad person, just I feel like I lost a little bit of that Buddha nature I keep trying to attain (while maintaining my pagan beliefs). What's worse is that I honestly feel like I should be feeling bad about this, but I just can't. Guess there are just some folks I don't understand enough to be able to deal with them properly.
My best example is a customer. Now, she comes in almost every day. She maybe buys a drink (more often then not asks for water with a slice of lemon) and a asks for a dog treat (yeah we keep em for the four legged customers heh). When she does buy a drink, she takes a handfull of Splenda (a non sugar sweetner) and stuffs most of them in her pocket. What are we...a supermarket that gives this away? I know that she doesn't seem to have a lot of folks that want to deal with her but she does make it hard to want to. In that, I feel bad for her. I know what it's like to want to have folks like you, to want to feel wanted. Still...I can't find the compassion for her any more. I mean, what does that really say about me? Does it make me a bad person? I don't think so. I hope not. But Buddha said we must learn compassion for all people. I believe that too. Hard to walk that walk all the time though. Maybe that's why he was Buddha, I honestly don't know.
All this wierd stuff that rattles around in my grey cells. It's amazing I haven't gone compeletely looney yet....or have I? :) Still....I have tons of folks that I adore and love. I have my car and my studio. I have amazing friends who are now all over the world. Life ain't that bad and I know it could be so much worse.
So smile at someone tomorrow. Do it randomly. Just find someone that looks like they need to laugh or be smiled at and do it. I'm gonna try. Then find some way to make another person do this and pass it along. Hell...make as many people as you can that you don't know smile at each other. What a wacky trip that would be! It will be the start of a revolution! We'll win over the world by making folks smile at someone they don't know! MUHAHAHAH *insert maniacal laughter here*
Hm...Ok. Maybe it's pushing it, but hey, take the time to smile at someone tomorrow. Try and make THEM smile back. If nothin else, you might get a good chuckle at it later. I can only imagine the reactions in thier faces at a random smiling :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Remember those old "choose your own adventure" books? These were stories where you would read the first page and decide how you wanted the story to continue and then go to certain page in the book, read that and so on. So, roughly (from what I understand), that's the way this new DVD game is going to run.
So, if I find out the website adress (because this is essentially a flash commercial), I'll make sure and let y'all know. Still...$50 richer cha-ching-cha-ching!
My buddy D works for a video company where they do transfers, make copies for "on command" systems at hotels, etc. He wanted to know if I was interested in doing a voice over this afternoon. Three lines but hey, it's gonna pay $50 and I can definately toss it on my resume. What will I be doing? Well I'm not sure but I'll find out in about half an hour. Whatever it is, it has to do with Dreamwork's Shrek in some way shape or form. I'm incredibly curious to find out what exactly I'm going to be saying and what the hell they're going to use it for.
More To come!
Monday, November 14, 2005
I watched a movie today called The Laramie Project. Actually it's a movie I bought because it's really pretty amazing. Made me do a fair amount of thinking. One person's actions can change a community, if not the world. Hard to keep that in perspective at time for me. I get caught up in the world and forget that I'm doing things right along side of everyone else. I get caught up in the day to day aspects of life and don't really live because of it. How does that work? Ok, glad ya asked.
You have things you want to do right? For me it's theatre and acting and making music...basically living an artistic life. So, to achieve that I need a job that's going to pay me so I can afford to live while I look forward to this artistic life. Remember, that's my goal here folks... So (for me) work invades my free time a little bit more, I find myself at home thinking about things at work I need to do. This kills off a little of the "free time" again. Then there are the bills to pay that everyone must such as rent, car insurance, etc. So, a little more of that "free time" for the goal of living an artistic life is mentally lost again. Now, we get to the end of the day and I'm already starting to think about what must be done at work tomorrow and what time I need to go to bed etc. So....wait a minute...wasn't I doing this so maybe I could go out and do the acting thing? No....wait a minute....wasn't it just 10am and now it's 8pm and I haven't actually accomplished anything? Now wait a darn tootin minute here! Just so I can live, I have now revovled myself around work, to make money to live, so I can pay rent....and i'm exhausted by it. The day to day ins and outs have taken away my mental abilities to focus on my "art". PLUS, if I don't do these day to day things (ie work) I won't have the means to survive. Viola! I was caught again "in the world".
So, movies are part of my way to get out of that world. They make me think, or laugh, or tear up (yeah I've cried at movies so what? Ya wanna make something of it? heh). Just some how centers the "real" me again. So what did I get out of today's film? That I have forgotten to ask everyone to think good thoughts for my friend Larry and his mom.
The movie made me realize that I wanted to do something for Larry to make him smile because he really needs it right now I think. So please, however you do it...if it's prayers, or if it's just sending good vibes his way, think about my friend Larry tonight/today/tomorrow and just send him a bunch of love ok? Gut instinct here says that he needs to know he's loved and isn't going to be left completely alone.
I love you tons Larry. I know you're not going to be seeing this for a while, but I do buddy. You will never be alone.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Out of this weekend I did find myself somehow messing up my neck slightly. I slept wrong. Now I have a wierd problem with semantics. I mean, how exactly do you sleep "wrong". Ya just sleep ya know? Same thing with "I slept funny on it". What, was there a clown underneath me that was pushing his horn into my neck? Odd how we come up with these phrases isn't it? Point being, my neck is extremely stiff today for unknown reasons to me plus, I haven't been able to get going all day. Not sure what that is all about but, I'm over it.
Thanks M'lday for the sites about embedding vids and music. I haven't had a chance to really look them over yet but perhaps there will be musical interludes here from time to time now. And Camilla, I an now ravenous thinking bout your dinner! If the bastards that owe me money would pay up, I could make it out there tomorrow ;)
So money was on my mind lately. I got caught in a trap of sorts because of it. I had an inheritence from my grandmother for the past couple of years (and it's almost gone now) that taught me about the life I'd like to lead. I didn't go anywhere exotic, didn't take a vacation except for Disneyland but that money allowed me to do things for myself and my friends. Well, now that it's all but dried up and blown away, I want it to continue. Problem being is that my job doesn't even pay me 13/hr. I do alright for myself and I can survive and exist, but that's about it to some degree. And what do i want? A new job somewhere with benifits and paid bloody vacation time! Now, I have no idea what this mythical job is mind you, but it's gotta be out there and someone has to be willing to pay me 15-20/hr to do something (with my clothes on thank you very much you naughty naughty people). Just a question of finding it and it not making me go completely loopy. I don't do well with the "corporate" sector. Then again, Google is almost right down the street from me. We shall see.
Speaking of jobs, yes indeedy you read right in my last posting. I'm going to be shooting a video for a friend's band. I'll be playing an evil scientist (yeah big stretch heh). We'll probably be shooting it in January. Do I have silly dreams that this will revitalize my faded acting career and dreams? um....sort of. Will it do anything for said now non-existant career? Probably not but the chance to work as an actor again is worth it. No pay, but who cares. I'll be able to show it to my friends and maybe use it to my advantage somehow. We did a promo shoot right before their cd release party.
This is what I'll be looking like:
And like this with my evil henchmen by my side. The idea is that my character is has invented a radio that will basically be mind controlling. All the needs is musicians to power it (sucking the life out of their music) but when my friends in Atomic Mint show up...it turns out that the desert they were stranded in was a nuclear test site! Their music overpowers my machine, but I think I may be back ;) Check out their website by the way.
Atomic Mint I'm pretty sure that they have some mp3s to listen to there. The song the video is for is Yo Quiero Musica
Friday, November 11, 2005
Watch Video:TIME OF OUR LIVES - FEATURING VEGA 4 (Paul Van Dyk)
What am I listening to lately? Paul Van Dyk. May not be everyones cup of tea but for some reason this style of "trance" techno soothes my mind and makes my soul soar a little. I guess I'm a trance junky. Something about it just gets me going whether it's mellow or really groovin my mood.
I know I've been rather down lately but tonight this posting is about my friend Larry. He's a great guy. He is one of the reasons I have this blog. I won't go into the whys and wherefores but if you know Larry, or even if you don't, just keep him in your thoughts and your prayers. I've been down the road he's on right now and it's rougher than anyone could imagine if you haven't walked it before. (and I hope you don't ever have to)
I wanted to find a way to embed a song here, but I'm not technologically smart enough to do that yet. The song is from Paul Van Dyk and it'a called The Other Side. I've tried linking to a couple of places but the sites are rather slow and if you wanted to see the video it seems to take forever. Anyone out there wanna tell me how to place a song in my site from off my hard drive?
Things are slightly better here. Looks like I'll be shooting a video sometime in January-February for a friend's band. I suppose I'm excited but we'll see tomorrow after I've had a full night's sleep and food.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
I hate being late. I dislike being late to a movie and missing the previews (which are part of the movie going experience if you ask me). I will NOT be late to theatre. There is no way I am going to sit out in the lobby listening to the first act! And I hate being late to work. I need that hour's time to set things up, brew things up, and have my own cup of coffee and smoke before I open the doors to the people I try to look happy for. Rushing is not a good thing. It puts stress on me personally. I dislike stress and there's enough of that at the shop to begin with.
So ... and y'all know there's a point to all of this. Today was slightly from hell and my emotions need to have a round-up lately. Ben came in. I started talking to him about this film and found out that he attended Stanford in the film/media school. Then of course when I said I wanted a chance to audition if possible, he replied that there weren't any parts for me. Strike one at the heart. He had written it with specific folks in mind. Strike two for some unkown reason to me. He wasn't mean about it in any way shape or form, but the already stressed out Michael felt like it was a personal blow to the ego. Strike three and the emotions are out the door and running.
I didn't lie when I said that I don't cry. Well all of the sudden I'm feeling friggin tears welling up behind my eyes and I start feeling like a pathetic fool. It was as if someone had just slammed the door that had opened to Ben in my face. The day went on. I yelled at my coworker twice because every little thing was now sizzling my synapses. He was just being his normal self but dammit...I was sick of him singing his guitar riffs because I needed at that point to hear the music I had put in. Music is a big part of my life, and like my friends, without it I would pretty much wither and die. Then later when he complained about "hating to work with A" for the 10,000,000,000th time I lost it. I yelled again and I'm sure I looked like a lunatic. Now I'm embarassed to go in tomorrow morning.
I feel latley like I'm walking on egg shells around myself. I don't understand where these emotional outbursts are coming from and that bothers me. Don't tell me it's part of being human please. I know we all have emotions but damn. The fact is, I usually have a good control over my emotions, and usually can handle anything from employees who are bleeding from cutting themselves, to my own depressions. I know that not being able to actually eat anything until around 1pm today wasn't helping. But there was always something to do since my coworker decided to run his mouth more than work. And even that comment isn't fair to him. People should be able to talk to customers at work, and he was working, don't get me wrong. Just felt that the brunt of it all was on my shoulders and he's getting on my last tit anyways. (and I won't go into the latest from fucking Pat Roberts...ya know Pat...I betcha your gonna get a BIG surprise when you finally do meet God!)
This alas is yet another case of my bitching about things I need to get over. I agree with Spencer. I need to fix these things but unfortunately I don't know how yet. I think I lost that little manual that came with this lifetime. Tried finding something similar, but all I tend to do is remember stuff for a while and then I get lost in the world again. That's why I tend to run into my little cave here and just retreat until I can safely come out.
It works a little something like this for me. I have these "major" issues. I don't know how to deal with them. I freak a bit. I get depressed perhaps or just majorly aggrivated that I can't make my life work properly. I go into hiding where in watching tons of movies, listening to music, playing videogames...I feel my brain processes behind the scenes, and while I don't know if I come up with the answers to these issues, I know somewhere that they are being resolved and catagorized for future reference. Of course, this means that I tend to not talk to anyone but damn man, it's the only way I know of getting through sometimes. Besides, HE that I owe the story about told me that no one wants to be around people that are depressed all the time. Ergo, when I get into these moods, I retreat.
Sorry that this is so long and maybe depressive or angry or whatever it is. I just felt like venting my spleen so maybe it would all be out of my system. I do want to say thank ya to M'lady and the red hot Persian Guy for your comments yesterday. While I may take a while to get myself back to a better mental state....what you said really helped.
So, to Tats....Kiss my Bippy! (if ya don't know what a bippy is you need to watch Laugh-In on dvd). To Randy who keeps turning up with the worst possible timing...bugger off! (although I thankfully know he doesn't know about this site). And to Ben? I only wish that you would stay away from the shop for a week. Let me forget about you. Let me forget these stupid human feelings I have. Stop being so damn perfect in what I'm looking for. I'd say I hated you but we'd both know that was a bold faced lie. I only wish that I was what you were looking for.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
So today? Gorgeous men kept coming into my shop dammit. While it was a wonderful way to start the morning staring at the fire fighter with the killer smile (who even though he ordered a "starbucks" drink I didn't mind), it's also rather infuriating. Ben came in today as well. He had been to see both Jason Mraz shows. Not only that but the day before when he was in we were discussing the Dresden Dolls and he's written a script (film) revovling around thier song Coin Operated Boy. Well, it's getting produced (more than likely independantly but still). So...again I get infuriated with the universe because not only is Ben attractive, and smart, and now working in a medium that I can only dream of these days....but he's not single! I swear he seems like the perfect guy for me and he's got a boyfriend dammit! *sigh* So life is unfair....so what.
Tats may or may not be back from his trip. I don't know because I somehow doubt I'm going to be hearing from him unless I call him. I've played that game before and ya know what? Not worth it at this point in time for me. Sure, I think he's cute and all but I don't have the energy to be the one putting all the energy into this. My thought, if he's honestly interested in me even as a friend, he'll call. And the waiting begins.
I'm feeling rather hermity lately. Just means that I try to take care of myself with an over indulgence in movies and video games. I know that they are simply a distraction but it quiets the mind in so may ways. Luckily I will have a new distraction tomorrow. My keyboard is supposed to be delivered by my friend G. I had bought it off him before he went to NYC and...shit what do I care? I'm getting it right? Finally going to see if I have the wherewithall to make the music I hear in my head. I have a real love affair with techno and specifically good trance music and ambient. We shall see what comes of all of this. Only down side? I feel like buying a new hard drive to use solely for music and I'm not entirely sure I can afford to do that yet.
And it's coming again....holiday season. I don't really mind Thanksgiving because for me it's free food with some very dear folks that I love. It's Christmas that's making me crindge a bit. I know I have to buy things for my relatives who I don't feel like I know that well anymore. I have now two nieces who are under 3 so I can get them just about anything but it's my nephew. He's going to be turning 9 this year. What the hell do I know about 9 year old boys? I could send books but I don't know which to send and what he doesn't have. I thought about a new PS2 game but which one? Guess it's time to break down and call the brother and simply ask what my nephew is into/likes now. I know I'm going to catch major shit from my mother but at this point....who gives a rats ass. May sound harsh but, I have really nothing in common with her other than some DNA. Do I love her? Yeah, I guess. Do I want to spend time with her? HELL NO!
Hm....for not feeling like I had anything to say tonight I sure have spread it out. For now though, I think it's time for dinner, a little bit of Devil's Rejects (for all those Rob Zombie fans out there) and a touch of playing the new Hulk game. Hopefully we will return to the regularly schedualed wacky programming tomorrow. Stay tuned for further bulletins. We now join "WTF" already in progress....
"Sorry I was distracted. What did you say?"
"Which one is it this time?"
"The one over there with the kinda wavy brown hair, cute puckish nose."
"Oh my god....you mean him? That's my cousin's boyfriend."
"You mean he's straight? WTF?!"
p.s. Welcome back M'lady. No more hospitals or I shall have to talk to my Goddess about you! ;)
Monday, November 07, 2005
Now, the beautiful and sweet Camilla (did I spell that right?), had made a comment about my poem and about the goth scene. Well darlin, I think you have part of it right. We maybe do seek each other out to find a place to fit in. When you are ridiculed because of how you dress, or people think you're "wierd" because of your style...it does hurt. People want to be accepted and even within the Goth community, I don't truly feel I fit in. Is it because we're hurt and that's why we seek each other out? I don't think so. Why? Well I didn't find "goth" until much later in life. If I had known about it in high school...well I would have been more of freak probably.
The thing about goth is that it has to do with beauty. Look at the film Bram Stoker's Dracula (and forgive the acting), but that period...the clothing they wore! Elegant, and velvets, and moody and rich and dark like a fine dark chocolate. In other words, I find it tasty. A lot of us dress "normally" every day for work and then go out at night all dolled up to the nines in our black vinyl pants and Doc Martin boots. I just found this and thought it might be a better explaination.
Truth is we're all broken in some ways. I was broken when dad died, broken more when HE left to go his own way (yeah I know I owe you all the story), broken further when I found myself kicking speed alone and homeless...we're all broken people. And ya know what? We all found some kind of nitch. Maybe that's why we read each others blogs, and not some others we come across. We see something there that resounds with us, ya know?
I'm still scared of opening up a lot here. Yes, it's more of that trust thing. I've been a carpet for a long time...walked all over by various folk. I'm scared to look pathetic, scared to be taken advantage of, scared of being weak, scared to voice my opinions at times for fear of losing my friends. I've had my trust broken by a few folks and it's really hard for me to put it back together for them. (if that makes sense) But i always give that second chance, and a third. I want to believe in people I that I like, or call my friends. Trust is a hard thing to come by.
Speaking of friends, there are some folks I wanna shout out to, just so ya know :
Ryan, I know that folks have hurt you in the past and I wish I could do something about that. All I can do is say that someone as sweet, and bighearted as you shouldn't have bad stuff happen to them. I will always be there 100% to back you up if you need me. Whether you realize it or not, you've been there for me when I needed a friend the most and I thank you for that with all my heart.
Ari, you embody so much of a genteel nature that I wish I had in my world. You seem the epitamy of a gentleman. I am so glad I found your site. One day I wish to have the chance to meet you, even if only for an afternoon's tea.
M'lady, you are a breath of fresh air everytime I read your posting. Be well, return soon to us. You have made my world a better place indeed.
Camilla, I absolutely adore reading your postings. You constantly make me smile. That is a true gift! Jag är så glatt att ha mött dig, om även den är över interneten! (I cheated and used a translation site heh)
Mike, every time I read your site...I find myself wishing for the country home I never had. Part of me knows I'll never really have to worry about Ryan because you're there. What I said for him goes for you...if ya need me, I'll have your back 100%.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
A word about goths (my brethren). Goths aren't gloom and doom. That's Hollywood's idea of us. It's about the beauty in the darkness. How can you not look at Edwardian attire and not see how rich and lovely it is? Waistcoats, black velvets....ah...it makes my heart sing. Then there are the more industrial goths that are decked out in wetlook leather and plastics. We dance to music such as Alien Sex Fiend, The Cure, London After Midnight, NIN. Look them up because you'd be surprised at how varied the sounds are even within these groups. Loud and raucous, to mellodic and moody. And we dance as we want to as well. It's actually rather amazing to see because you have some of us that dance very controlled and use our arms and hands to make what I can only equate as "beautiful motions", and there are those of us that flail and bend like puppets without strings.
So, because my little black gothy heart had a childish side to it tonight (and possibly thanks to Harry Potter that I'm reading...book three almost on four), I wrote a little something called
where the billyblogs do bloom,
and the sidelcreepers crawl along the muddy muddy path.
Into the woefull woods that grow beneath the moon,
and the little slivers never seem to last.
If an elflish happens to tickle your nose,
or a blossom reaches out to nibble on your knee,
remember that the path is dark only to them,
but bright and lovely for me.
Spiders hang their hammocks up,
and sleeping soundly do dream of us.
And eyes so red that they glow like coals,
greet us as we wander to and fro.
A sliver of the moon rests loudly on my shoulder,
and the velvet, which darker, sings a song to her my sister.
An old an ancient spirit roams these woods that are so dark,
but he is calling out to us to join him in the dance.
Somewhere in the clearing of brush and brambly wood,
the dead have come to celebrate and usher us within.
Large goblets of a liquid which is something quite unknown,
and tables upon scraps of bones that hold the flowery thrown.
And corpses dance with rare delight, and haggard werewolves too,
the band is playing gothy sounds from the skin that has tattoos.
A vampire pausing slightly, excusing himself from the bump,
delights in taking a nibble just before you jump.
That darkening world of wonder where all children know no fear,
the place where laughter comes from the sound of a single tear
that’s painted on the face of the goul who’s mad from dance,
and a bollyrog comes kalumping in to have himself a snack.
And on this night where you and I are dancing with our kind,
we know the world is safe and sound within the other’s minds.
For little is there now to dread from darkness, or their kind.
Our velvet and our painted eyes have found our brotherly kin.
Friday, November 04, 2005
5 Quotes from Films, books, or songs
1) "I never said thank you."
"And you'll never need to." - Batman Begins
2) When I think of home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing.
I wish I was home, I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing.
- Home from The Wiz
3)"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - Hamlet Act II, scene ii
4)"Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid." - Humphrey Bogart as Rick Blaine in Casablanca
5) Everyone who feels his heartbeat seems to be still alive.
And by a look into your eyes I seem to know if you're lying.
But from time to time there is more to life than just a muscle working deep inside.
And to find the truth it needs much more than just a look into an eye!
from Wolfsheim's Everyone Who Casts A Shadow
I promise I will write more tomorrow. That's it for tonight except for the fun of saying
THOU ART TAGGED!
Simply give me 5 of your favorite quotes from either a book, a film or a song. I'm going to try and tag different folks each week. (my blog roll is kinda small but I'm definately interested in who's reading/watchin/listening to what!)
Spencer/Daisy (yes you two can both do seperate ones or which ever wants to do it do it)
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
See, I have the audacity to believe in the power of the mind. If I think I have no more headache long enough and tell myself I don't have one...tends to fade away. If I feel a cold coming on, I tell myself I don't have time to get sick (and yes I do believe that to be true) and I don't. The worst that has happened to me illness-wise in the past 5 years (?) is sinus stuff during the wet season last year ... I think it was last year. Hell I don't remember but I generally don't get sick and I don't pump myself up with dayquil/nightquil/sudafed/asperine etc.
What a dull posting I have tonight and I'm sorry bout that. I'm just not in the best of mental states because there is so much going on in my brain lately. I just feel like I need to make my brain be quiet for say a day and maybe I can figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life and how to fix it. Yeah...I'm dissatisfied. All the things I want and I have no clue on how to get them. Granted, these aren't all things I can "aquire". Some of these are conceptual and some of it is me trying to figure out where the hell my life is going. On the path I'm on right now...I'd say that life is more like a prison sentence and I have no option for parole.
Tats is out of town and I'm still left wondering what the hell I'm playing at with him. The more we talk, the more we seem diametetrically apposed. I smoke, he jogs. I'm PC, he's Mac. I'm a pagan, he told me about going to church. I'm an introvert, he seem to be an extrovert. I mean really now. Wtf? Not to mention I really doubt that he's interested in actually meeting me but that's my evil brain working on me again. Hm..perhaps a sledge hammer would do it some good.
I'd think about taking some time off but now I feel like I need the money more than ever and there is never enough to do what I really want. So what do you do when you are trained to be artistic and find yourself needing a good paying job? Well...the way I feel tonight...you're shit out of luck. I can't even call in sick to anyone because I'm the first one there. I think I'm just tired. Feeling it down to my soul actually so I'm going to make myself some soup, pull out something to watch, and try not to think at all about anything.