Monday, October 31, 2005

Late Halloween night.

It is so late on a Halloween night. I should be asleep but I just got back from dinner with the family. My sister Doll, my brother James, my other sister Chryssa and my other brother Dave. Now none of us are related but this is my family. And aren't we gorgeous? Doll made the two coats you see on me and James here....that's her in the middle:

She gorgeous and a talented actress and did I mention she made these two coats herself?

Don't know where I would be without them. Then there is my other sis Chryssa and my brother Dave and me and Doll.
Doll, James and Dave all work at the same place and they had to get to work so I took Chryssa home tonight. As we were talking in her drivewave, she says "OH MY GOD! I JUST SAW A BATMOBILE!" Well true enough she did and we chased said Batmobile. The guys inside had pulled up to a light and we tried to get the camera to work fast enough but the light turned green. From what I saw, they were HOT! Chryssa did manage to get this picture as we were driving along side of them. I tell ya, only on halloween! :)

Now, way past my bedtime on a Samhain, I need to take the makeup off, turn on the alarm and think about work tomorrow. Ya know what..I don't want to. I want to stay up late and hang out with friends and more importantly my family.

My friends mean more to me than my life itself. It may sound silly but it's true. It's not being overly dramatic. You mess with my friends and I wind up wanting your blood in the streets. I have so little in this life that I can say is truly good, but my friends are one thing that makes life bearable sometimes. So all my love to you my friends. You have made my life a bit better whether you know it or not.

Goolish night all :)

Sunday, October 30, 2005

The kid with the tape on his glasses

My god I am a dork. I am a fool and a dork. I'm actually really stupid for letting my little grey cells get away from me and conjure up all these horrible thoughts that didn't happen. Why? Because I missed a phone call last night.

Ok, so it was Saturday and I figured I'd see if Tats wanted to go out and do something. We had chatted online for a little and he said to call him later if I wanted to hang out. So I did around 9ish. I waited. Then I waited some more. Then I waited some more and drove down to 7-11 to find something to eat for dinner (yeah ok I need to work on that part). Well, by the time that 11 had rolled around I was convinced that he was playing me and felt like an idiot, and knew that love will never come my way...blah blah blah. Yeah...cry me a river huh?

So this morning I find out that when I had drop out to 7-11 he had called and I hadn't seen in on my phone. DOH! Not to mention he just called heheh. Now I have no clue what I'm doing here with Tats. I have nary an idea where any of this is leading but I'm trying to go with the flow of things. I'll let ya in on a secret here, which isn't really much of a secret but...I've never really dated anyone. Yup. I had a "relationship" which was only in my mind apparently (loooooong story for another time), but never really had a boyfriend so you'd notice. This of course makes me feel like I am back in Jr. High saying "gee..I um...really like go steady?" Yup....the dork factor is high in this little camper here.

Tomorrow is Halloween and I guess I should be excited. I'll probably just dress up in my goth attire and head out to work. Just wish that it had fallen on the weekend so I could have gone out or something. I didn't make it to the party Friday because I felt exhausted and didn't want to risk driving over one my least favorite highways where it seems there is always a fatal wreck. Last thing I need is to get in a car accident and die. That would suck! Alas...another weekend gone but I'm doing to push myself this coming weekend to actually go out and do something like dance. There's a goth club in Santa Cruz every 1st Friday of the month and dammit, if I have to drink a pot and a half of coffee I'm going! If I have to think of myself as a character in a play I'm going and that person is going to dance and have a good time dammit!

Only 9pm here and I'm already sleepy but I need to paint the nails black for tomorrow :) I'll see if I can get someone to take a picture of me in my semi-goth (because I'm not going to be wearing my velvet at work!) tomorrow.

Friday, October 28, 2005

You're a Perfect Kiss. You and your best friend
are a little more than friends now aren't
you...? hehe

What kind of Hot Boy Kiss are you??
brought to you by Quizilla

Thank ya Ryan for the quiz! And what a great thing to find out about myself too :) A perfect kiss. Jesus ain't that just what I always said I wanted in all seriousness? Well you bet it is. And I hope that I find it someday, or soon, or sometime at least heh.

So...I was supposed to got to a party tonight. Yup, I'm lame and here I sit at my computer because it's 20 til 10 and I'm kinda tired. The trip to the party would have meant taking a highway that I swear means certain death on some occaissions. Highway 17 is the road to Santa Cruz and it's twisty and winding and more damn fools speed on that stretch of road (where those of us that are sane and rational know to take it a little easier) than anywere else it seems. So, in lieu of dying horribly on the freeways, I decided to stay home and email my friend with an appology.

See, it was a computer friend's birthday today and birthdays are pretty important to me because mine seems to be forgotten a lot. It sucks to have a birthday in the middle of summer because as you got older, all your friends were gone for the summer doing cool stuff (and I was usually left at home with a summer job). Hell, even my mom didn't remember to call my this past year. She called the next day but the damage was done in my books. F my relatives, I'll keep my family here on line and out here in Cali. Still....S is a cuty and hopefully I'll see him next Friday night at Club Fate (yeah Goth/Industrial/Electronic clubs!).

It's Samhain on Monday elsewise known as Halloween. I should be looking forward to it as a time when I get to done a costume at work, hand out candy to kids if they come by...but this year, I just don't seem to have the energy to get excited. I haven't even gotten a pumpkin yet dammit! I will hopefully spend part of it with friends, and if not, then this weekend with the family at a dress up dinner somewhere like we did last year.

I did talk to Tats last night briefly. He was going to a meeting up in Berkeley so we didn't have much time to talk. Apparently he's really busy this weekend so...Now the important part is that he said he'd call me later, so let's see if he keeps his word. I'm sort of evil with this kinda thing. I figure that I shouldn't call him until he calls me ya know? I mean if he says he'll call, even if it takes him til Monday or Tuesday (cause I know he has a full weekend), then he better. I just have to be "strong" and wait and see. Yes, as you can tell, I'm a little apprehensive still about all of this. I'm trying to be good and see where it goes and go with the flow but it's really hard sometimes cause I'm impatient as well.

So, I wanted to start a new Meme here. I'm not sure how to do this but hey...I guess it's my meme so it's my rules. So this one is called "Say what"

5 Favourite Quotes from either a film, book, or song

1)I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you walk away. (Face Off....sorry but the character name escapes me at the moment)

2) If I could work my will, every idiot that went about with a Merry Christmas on his lips would be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart! (Ebeneezer Scrooge - A Christmas Carol)

3) And the rain comes down
There's no pain and there's no doubt
It was easy to say
I believed in you everyday
If not for me
Then do it for the world (from Has Anyone Every Written Anything For You - Stevie Nicks)

4) We all go a little mad sometimes. (Norman Bates - Psycho)

5) Well, now time passed and now it seems
Everybody's having them dreams.
Everybody sees themselves walkin' around with no one else.
Half of the people can be part right all of the time,
Some of the people can be all right part of the time.
But all of the people can't be right all of the time.
I think Abraham Lincoln said that.
"I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours,"
I said that. ( from Talkin World War III Blues - Bob Dylan)

Thou Art Tagged!:

Persian Guy
Camilla (it's ok if they're Swedish bands and movies *grin*)

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Last post of the night

This is the only song I have ever written in my life. I wrote it for a friend of mine a couple of years ago. He didn't get it I don't think, but it rattles around my brain and I sing it to myself at times. One of these days, "he" will get it I hope. Until then, I guess I'll keep playing it and singing it to myself.

What do you hear when I speak,
and you're not listening?
Who do you see
in my face?
I would open up the world,
if you promised to be there.

Where do you go when you need a friend,
do you even think of me?
I am standing right behind.
I will catch you if you fall,
Then I'll disappear from view.

I know,
a change is happening.
And you are on my mind.

And I don't know
if you even care
that I am on your side.
I'll protect you
though it cost me everything.
Even if I have to lay down and die.

So I hope you hear when I call,
cause I'll always run if you
need a friend for a while.
And I will wait another day.
If you feel your all alone,
turn around
I waiting there.
I am always standing here.

I'll always love ya Starglass.

Part 2 of a Thursday night

I told you there would be more to come. Yes I did and here I sit again happy with the knowledge that my friends are well and safe. It was oddly isolating to me to find myself not able to read anyone's blog (although I could have tried going to the library and using their computers but they do not have my "favorites"). I missed everyone that I read daily and that list grows a little more monthly. So, to all you glorious folks that I think of as my friends, I have a quote from Elton John to summerize my situation, "The Bitch Is Back".

So the news here is equal decent and some what distressing. It's not life shattering but I did talk to Tats (the guy I had mentioned) the other night. Yup, talked to him on the phone and I was the one that called. Kinda a big step for me because I felt stupid not knowing what to say to him. He called me back and we chatted for a while. He sounds nice but...and don't go getting your panties in an uproar here...I'm not sure it's really going to work as a romance. Hell, I'm not sure if I'm even going to get to actually meet him. Now before ya go off and start giving me that pep talk you're practicing here where my head is at.

The conversation seemed rather awkward from both of us. It was as if I couldn't think of anything to say to him, and I guess he was in the same boat. Not a good start but not bad. Tats definately has a better vocabulary than I do. He graduated with a degree in creative writing. I never finished college. He isn't a movie person, and I am such a film whore. Sometimes I think the only connecting point is that we are both gay. We both seem to like animals though. The big kicker to me is that he is much younger than me. (Oh shush up out there about age being just a number...this is my psychosis and I hear what you're saying but it doesn't make it easier)

My biggest problem here is that he hasn't called me back since then. Granted, I haven't called him and I know he has a meeting tonight and is going to see the Foo Fighters tomorrow night. I really wonder in the back of my mind why he said yes to wanting to meet me on this site. I'm definately scared to ask him but I need to know the answer for my own piece of mind. So, soon after this post is done I'm going to voicemail him.

Foxy Brown has a "Why Wenesday" that he posts every week. Well it ain't Wenesday but mine is this:

Why does it seem that romance and I are always at the same dance, but never as partners?

Well, I do have the debate about a party tomorrow night (last minute thing I found out about) in Santa Cruz but ya know....I'll only know one person there and I don't "mix and mingle" well with folks I don't know. We'll see though. Supposed to be a costume party and I don't have one.

Damn the powers that be

I have so much catching up to do reading folks blogs because of Tuesday.

My DSL and phone service went down. And let me tell ya, SBC's customer service department after hours sucks! I tried several (I stopped counting) times to use their voice activated system to see if there was an outage in my area. Well guess what...everytime I tried it I was told I had an "invalid number". How's that for infuriating? Then...when the phone did come back up, my DSL was down.

So...there will be more later but for now, I need to head back to work and then come home and catch up on everyone else's blogs.

Monday, October 24, 2005

It's only Monday?

So much to say it seems. I just saw something on yahoo's news saying that Rosa Parks has died. A brave little woman that once said, "I'm not moving" because she was tired and because she deserved to sit at the front of the bus. God bless her. I can't imagine what must that must have been like for her. I hope that none of us ever has to. Most Blessed Be Rosa, wherever you are.

So there is no real word on this mystery man out here. I was lame and came home and took a nap rather than calling him (yes I got his number WOO!). We did chat a little tonight. I'm hoping to meet him soon though because the more we chat, the interesting he sound. Doesn't hurt that he's a cuty as well (my humble opinion mind ya). Maybe sometime this week i can find the courage to just call him because, ya know, sometimes it's hard to do that for me. Scared of not being able to think of a single thing to say, not sure what to say, not sure what he'll make of me blah blah blah. Yes, I know I need to get over it. Don't for a second think I am NOT going to call him. Just...maybe a little more time to figure out what to do with all of this. Kinda new to me because I haven't had the best of luck with "dating" folks.

Can't believe that it's already Halloween. This coming Monday (sigh). I remember being a kid in Texas and ya know, I was out for hours running around with friends trick-or-treating. We went all over our neighborhood and sometimes kinda far beyond it. Pillow cases in hand, costumes and flashlights. TONS of candy that my parents would sort through at the end of the night. Candy that they didn't know we had eaten on the way home. I miss that. It seems like a by-gone era now. I think it's time I get my pumpkin so I can carve him up proper before Sunday night. (and hope that if I buy candy this year some kids will come by the studio)

Please keep good thoughts out for my lovely M'lady tomorrow (Tuesday). She is an absolutely wonderful woman. So send her all your good vibes that you can ok? For me? :)

Ya know that 7 list from yesterday? I forgot to add some stuff that I feel proud of. In the "things I can do" list I forgot to say that:
I can build and paint a stage set. I did it for 10 years and ya know...I was good if I do say so myself. (patting myself on the back)
Didn't mention that i can still produce pretty decent makeup FX as well.

Ah....I'm fiending for the theatre life again kinda. Working for a living is dull, but does keep me fed is the problem.

And hey....a shout out here for a new friend all the way in Sweden. Go over and check out ScandinavianNova. I haven't had a chance to read all of her blog yet but what a great lady nonetheless!

Welcome back Ari, I am glad to hear that you are enjoying your time abroad! I look forward to hearing more from you.
Persian Guy, don't worry too much bout the puter. I'm sure it will all work out in the end (and take more pictures of the condo when you can!)
Steve O.....WHERE oh WHERE is the update on the date?!?!? Ya got me on pins and needles here dammit!

Sunday, October 23, 2005


How to feel normal in a one easy lesson? Be with your friends. Why is that you may ask....go ahead, I'll wait. (looking at his watch and tapping his foot) Ok, well I'll asnwer it anyways.

I just got back from dinner with my friend Doll and James. Now these are two of my best friends. They're old friends from theater. We were the unholy trio for the longest time. Each of us in the beggining was looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend (and in Jame's case both because he's bi). Well, they have been together now for 7 years? I love them deeply and they know all my deepest darkest secrets and still love me. I can't imagine life without them. Hell we even lived together for a while (and that was a bit of a disaster but still I think fondly about it).

At work, I have to be do the chuck and jive and smile (try to) and be pleasant (try to) to all the customers. Sure some are people I'd think of as sort of friends, but none of them knows me really. I mean knows ME if you know what I mean. So for 5 days out of the week, this is what I have to put up with. I can partially be myself but I'm not going to tell these people anything important ya know? Then, on the weekend I'm generally alone so....I can be myself around myself but then I wind up not feeling normal because I'm spending almost 7 days a week alone.

Tonight, I got to sit and talk about stuff with them. We chatted about everything and the wierd little understandings we have and our parents and blah blah blah and I just felt....normal. I wish that their scheduals didn't conflict so hard with mine but we're going to get together again soon. I need it too. Need to have those hugs from them both and laugh at silly things only we understand. So...tomorrow it's back to being a smiley faced robot for 5 days. But I think I'll be a bit more relaxed because of tonight.

Now Den has tagged me for this so this is gonna be a doozy of a posting! So here we go.....

7 Things I plan to do before I die:
1) Meet a really great guy, fall in love, and settle down
2) See the world
3) Live an artistic life
4) Own my own house mortages or payments
5) See something I have written in published form
6) Meet my online friends
7) Enjoy my life to the fullest

7 Things I can do
1) Play the guitar (not well) and piano (not well)
2) Speak in several different dialects thanks to theatre training
3) Cook well (wait till you guys get a taste of my chocolate mousse!)
4) Sing
5) Give a decent massage (not that kind you nasty minded folk heh)
6) Drive stick shift or automatic, as well as ride a motorcycle
7) Be an asshole

7 Things I Can Not Do
1) Intentionally hurt people
2) Not try and help if I think I can
3) Stop myself from putting my foot in my mouth a lot
4) Stop losing my heart
5) Cry (honestly I don't cry unless it's an extreme situation)
6) Yell at people
7) Cartwheels, handstands, anything invovled with my shoulder (yup..I had an injury that messed it up a bit)

7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite(well same in my case) Sex
1) Smiles
2) Hair
3) Intelligence
4) Body type (ok...I'm a little shallow on this point, but then who isn't to some degree?)
5) Eyes!
6) How affectionate they are
7) Sense of Humor

7 Things I say most often
1) Bugger
2) Ya bet yer bippy
3) Good Morning
4) Zut (it's French)
5) Ya betcha
6) Oh no you didn'
7) Peace

7 Celebrity Crushes (I'm not ashamed of)
1) Niel Patrick Harris

(Ok he may have been Doogey Howser but lately he's been making a name for himself on broadway and musicals. He's got a kill voice and is incredibly sexy!)

2) Joaquin Phoenix/River Phoenix (Don't care what ya say...I still love River. Joaquin is just amazing too)

3) Seth Green (dead sexy I tell ya!)

4) Tina Turner (She's simply the best and amazing to watch live! I love this woman)

5) James Dean (Yes, still dammit!)

6) David Bowie (He still has the pipes and he has NEVER been anything other than smooth, classy and sexy!) 7)Corey Spears (Ok...ok, yeah he's on my blogroll but dammit, he's cute and I like his acting)
I'm supposed to tag 7 other folks here but it's REALLY late for me and I need to get to sleep so I can go to work so I can make money so I can eat so I can start the whole thing over again. I'll tag 7 folks when they least expect it ;)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Late Breaking News Bulliten! seems that when it rains it pours a little. Now, this isn't a bad thing mind ya just a confusing one. It has to do with something that doesn't happen in this Universe very often for me. Well I think it happened once for me and maybe once again before the millenium is over.

First of all though, what a nice Saturday. I drove up to SF today to do a ticket exchange on my Lestat tickets. Good luck smiles on me with tickets because even though I didn't get my original seats, I have the same row but on the opposite end of that row. Why is that good? It's the first row in the "lodge" (or first balcony) seating. Having been to that theater before to see RAIN, I know the seats are terrific and possibly some of the best in the house! Yeah me! So walking to the theatre and back, I decided to stop into Virgin records to pick up Band of Bees new album thanks to Chris. Go over to his site and check out the video for the song. Dare ya not to start shakin yer groove thing! Well for those that don't know SF, this was a bit of a treck walking wise. I walk very fast anyways and I feel like I got my exorcise in for the day. Beautiful day up there too and I have some pictures but I'll have to post them later.

So what is the mysterious thing that only happened once in my life to this point? Could it be that I once again won Publisher's Clearing House? (damn you Ed McMann!) Was I hit on the head and now have perfect 20-20 vision? (Yeah I wish!) Do I have another new car? (hell no, I like the one I got now) Or could it possibly be that someone has shown a bit of interest in me? ( comment)

I had forgotten that I had a picture up on a site and well, someone from there said that they would be interested in meeting me. I'm not going to promote that site but just know it's pretty much a "matchmaking" kinda thing. I was floored because I thought the guy was cute, and after talking to him today via the computer...well if nothing else I might have a new friend to go run around with. Still, it shocked me because I don't percieve myself as being desirable from my picture ya know? Let's face it, I have a somewhat low self image of myself. I figured after the one semi-relationship I attempted to have, that was it. I had my chance and blew it in a major way. So now, maybe I'm getting just desserts. Cute guy that lives close to me who seems to think I'm attractive? The world may be coming to an end here folks :)

One of these days maybe I'll have the cajones to talk about the guy that I still consider the love of my life. Rather, I think he was. He still plays a major role in my heart and my life to some extent. I know he's happier now though and that's what's important to me. I'd rather have his friendship than lose him entirely. Have no idea if he knows where this site is, or reads it but...I promise not to use names if I talk about him.

Love in the air and it's only October? I think the Goddess is workin overtime for me:) (did I mention his tattoos?) Oish folks, keep all your fingers and toes crossed that somehow, something is going right for me romantically. Stay tuned for further updates on this late breaking news item.....we now return you to your regular life already in progress.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Thoughts from the actor

There are films that you want to call great. You may enjoy Star Wars, Gone With the Wind, or Citizen Kane and call them classics, but there are movies that go so far beyond that they resonate with you. They stike like a deep bell who's tone is so low that you do not hear it, but feel it in the core of yourself.

I just returned from seeing Capote. It has struck me like nothing has struck me in a long, long time. If Phillip Seymour Hoffman does not win a best actor award this coming year, there is something terribly wrong. All of the actors were amazing. The story is that of Truman Capote and the writing of his novel In Cold Blood. Watching Truman go from the puckish "child" author in the beginning to an almost wreck of a man at the end was emotionally wrenching. I can not praise this movie enough. Perhaps it will only be myself that feels this way, but it has left itself lodge somewhere deep within me. What is stranger yet, is that I do not want it to leave me right away.

This is the power of a truly good film to me. To cause you to feel something so deeply that you have no real words for it. That is what I have always wanted to do. As an actor, I strived for perfection that I do not think I ever truly reached. I feel miniscule and small compaired to what I saw tonight. Brilliant is the only word for it. And what greater gift is there than to move people, to inspire them, to spur them on to something bigger and better in their lives? That is how I have always seen great performers, and great films, and great theater, and writers. I wanted so much to have that ability, and maybe somewhere deep within me I do have it. I simply haven't found a way to truly tap into it. To rouse emotion by your voice, or words? That must be a God given gift reguardless of if you believe in a God or not.

We actors may have great words at our disposal, but they can be mangled beyond belief. I'm a bit of a snob and will not generally go and see a High School production of Shakespeare, but I know from my own experience in high school that there are some shining moments and performers. It is amazingly easy sometimes, and at other times incredibly difficult to maintain a character for a two hour period. There is not a second on stage that you can allow your mind to wander. There is not a second on stage where you can "be yourself" because the audience is always watching. If you are in the back of the stage, background scenery as it were, someone is still watching you. Certainly there are lines to memorize, staged blocking to remember, but the execution of all of this is on the shoulders of the individual.

There have been times when I was onstage with someone less experienced in acting, and it's hard to explain but that only makes you try harder to be better. Why? Is it a competition? No. If you are in a scene with someone that is "weak" as an actor, then you (or perhaps just I) feel that you must push them by being as good as you can possibly be. It's about the show actually. There are times I have hated working with some actors/actresses because they give you nothing to work off of. Like I said, it all rests on the shoulders of the individual. We (performers) are always told to be 100%. It's not just in voice and body movement but in emotional contexts as well. That's why at the end of a show, I hardly ever went out to greet an audience. It wasn't conceit, simply that I was critiquing my own abilities and performance that night so I could be better the next night. Plus, sometimes I was actually just too bloody drained to want to deal with smiling for people reguardless of how much they may have liked what I had done on stage.

We are an odd breed performers. We have thick skins, but a soft underbelly and easily bruised egos at times. (generally of our own doing is does our ego get bruised) We strive to be as natural as possible so that it looks like real life, even though we are portraying someone possibly so different from ourselves. I do wonder why we do it. I wonder why I did it for so many years, and why I miss it more than I can say. Perhaps it's all about being to express something, give a gift to an audience, or perhaps there is some odd psychological problem with us all in the acting realm. Still, there is nothing I have found to be quiet like performing. Perhaps I will find my way back somehow.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 close....just a little further

"I still have to do the other assignment for this week but I like all three beginnings I wrote."

So this was supposed to be yesterday's posting. I was hit by a little meme from Ryan so I looked and there it was. What wierded me out the most about this is the fact that I have been here now for almost 6 months! I didn't even realize it. Wierd to think about because it was just yesterday to me. All that time and so much that happened and stuff I never wrote about...the past can be really trippy when you start to think about it.

I was waylaid last night by being able to chat with folks that make me smile a lot. By the time I all the talking was done...well it was late and I needed sleep. Trust me, I'd rather lose sleep and chat than not chat and have all the food and sleep I need right now.

Now here are the rules:

1)Go into your archives 2)Find your 23rd posting 3) Find the fifth sentence (or closest to it) 4) Post the text of your sentence in your blog along with these rules 5)Tag five other people.

Ok folks....consider yourselves tagged!:
Persian Guy
Damnsexycub(if'n you got time)

More To Come

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Oh, THAT airport

It feels so very late right now, but it's only a little before 9 here. Think it has to do with the huge burrito I stuffed down my gullet along with the beans and rice and enchillada. Yup, big dinner for me and I didn't even have to pay for it. My friends just got back from Vancouver.

Now, normally I wouldn't have thought twice about telling S that I'd pick him and his bf up from the airport, but for some reason I was slightly tired after work. Didn't help matters that he was calling just before they boarded the plane to come back. Hm....well ok, he's right, I'm probably one of the few folks that doesn't have to work in the afternoon. So, short notice but I said sure. Came home and piddled about on the computer and then realized I needed to get going. So, off I go to San Jose Airport. I don't see them although he has left me a message that they are at Terminal 3. Now that's going to be important so pay attention.

I wind up circling the airport twice (almost getting killed by a cab that apparently thought it could occupy the same time and space as my car), still no sign of them. I finally get to park in the short term parking (after being cut off by another cab forcing me to circle one more time damn him!). I park. Still no sign of them. Now at SJ Airport there is the newer part and the older part. The older part is Terminal C. This is where I'm wandering around and calling S from. He's not answering his phone. Twice he doesn't answer. Ok, I'm getting a little annoyed. I finally get him on the phone and he asks where I am. I say, "Where are you? I'm by the baggage claim here at Terminal C". He acts surprised. I realize that he didn't tell me I needed to pick them up in ....SAN FRANCISCO! Well, now it being roughly 4pm there was no way for me to come collect them within more than say an hour and a half. Luckily they took the train back and I picked them up from the train station.

Now, is it me or if you're flying somewhere don't ya tell the person that is picking you up what airport you're flying into? Sure, he said Terminal 3 and I guess I should have known, but still....3...C...go fig huh? At least they appreciated me picking up their mail and took me to dinner...which is where this sleepiness started.

Would I trade him for all the times things like this happen? Not on your life. The man can irritate me to high heaven, but he's my friend ya know? I love him tons and it's worth all the wierd problems we seem to have between us comunicating at times. And ya know what? It's really nice to just be able to hang out with him. Yup...friends can drive you nuts, but believe you me, it's always worth it.

Seems like whatever evil bad ju-ju was going down for me is lifting and things are looking brighter here and there. Maybe it's my boss being back and some pressure taken off me. Do know that the more time I am NOT at the shop, the better things seem. Who knows, maybe it's time to jump off and find another job? Probably not, but it's appealing at the moment. Still, life is pretty damn good right now and I can't wait to see what tomorrow is going to be bringing me. Could just down right suck, but I have my own reasons to smile right now so the stuff that wants to bring me down can just go shove off. I'm a pretty happy camper and I intend to stay that way for as long as I can.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I don't's only Tuesday

Ok, so that was a mouthfull last night, rather a lot of fingers full. Tonight though, there's not much to report. Other than now I have to wait for the release of Season 6 of OZ (yeah I'm soooo addicted to that series), there's not much really going on here.

I do have a working theory here though about the week. I see it happening to myself most weeks and it goes like this, if I have a bad Monday...Tuesday isn't so bad. True to form, yesterday was kinda a bitch. Today...not so bad. Tomorrow is "hump" day and I can't believe that the week is already pretty much half over. I'm really hoping that me and Dan are going to see Serenity this weekend because I spend most of my time alone. It's not usually that bad but when you're weekends are spent alone as well as your week days, it gets to be a bit much.

Actually I'm sort of planning a day up in San Francisco because I have to exchange some tickets. I bought season tickets to Best of Broadway and have been enjoying live theatre to the max! The only down side is that the next show, Lestat (based on Anne Rices' first two books and Music by Elton John) which is a world premiere up here happens to fall on an odd day for me. My tickets are for Saturday night at 8pm.....December 24th. Now who the hell is gonna spend Christmas Eve at a show unless you're taking either A) Your loved one, or B) The Family? So...I have to see if I can exchange them and fast! This is one of the shows that I was willing to plunk down the major dosh for. (I'm still a year later trying to rebuild what I spent on this season but it is so worth it to me) Now I just have to make sure that I don't go crazy and spend like I know I could up there.

Because of Ryan's post today, it reminded me that I was a pretty lucky guy most of my life. Sure, there are skeletons in every family, but for the most part, I had it really good growing up. I tend to look back a lot. Try and see where things went wrong and what I could have done differently but ya know what? Even with all the shite I went through in the past 10 years, I don't think I would change anything. If I did, would I be the same person I am today? Would I be where I am today and know the people I know, and have met the people I have met if I had done things differently? Hell, would I even be writing this? Don't really know. I'm glad I'm here now though. Glad that my parents tried their best. I only wish I had gotten off my keester sooner in life. But ya's not that bad now either, and the older I get in life, the more I can act like a kid.

Maybe one day I'll actually talk more about my life. It's been a doozy at times. Scary at times, and now rather dullish but I'm still here after all. And ain't that the winning point?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Paganistic ramblings

Because a gorgeous English Lady asked me about being a pagan, thought I would delve right into it actually. So, I guess you could say it's my religion although sometimes it feels more like a philosophy as well.

I guess the first thing is that I follow a Goddess and a God. It has to do with idea of balance. If you look at nature, there is balance in almost everything. Night, day, black, white, short, get the idea right? Ok, so when I first started out down this road, I only dealt with the Goddess. She's actually a trinity (well especially mine Selene Goddess of the Moon) with aspects of Maiden, Mother, and Crone. The cycle of life. So what does this have to do anything? Ok, glad ya asked because what I practice is pretty much a mixture of Wicca (a nature based Goddess religion), and "higher magik" (which are rituals done without the use of candles and incense etc.). I still throw in some Buddistic philosophy as well. While this may sound like I have thrown together a bunch of random beliefs, it's taken me a long time to define what I do and how I practice it.

The important stuff here is this:

There is an energy that every person posesses. (and a personal essence as well) What about when you just knew that something bad had happened to someone, or picked up the phone before it rang? Coincidence maybe, but perhaps you were tapping into that part of our brains that science doesn't really know what it's doing. We only use a small percent (and this is what really got me started going here), so why isn't it possible to use that brain activity ( since it's all just little synapses workin ya know?) to do something? Using will to cause an effect is considered a definition of magik (please note the spelling it is not a mistake).

Wicca is based around nature. Respect for everything, since everything is nature even us. It has to do with the powers that resound in objects such as trees, stones, and a higher power known as The Goddess, and of course The God (sometimes called the Green Man). There is no heaven and hell if you are good or bad. The only reprocutions you have are brought about by yourself. Do as thou wilt is the whole of the Law, and the Law is love. (one way of saying it) Do as thou wilt as long as it harm none. (the way I learned it) It has to do with karma...remember energy right? Karma is both positive and negative. It is said that what ever you put out in the universe be it positive or negative returns to you three fold. (Karmatic Law) Karma. So, can you see why if you were to do a some "curse ritual", or "ritual for revenge on ones enemies"'s just a bad idea? Something three times as bad will rebound back on YOU.

I think what I can really say here is that Wicca is about the personal power locked inside of all of us. When I'm feeling truly weak, I turn my face to the sky at night and talk to Selene. There have been times when I have simply stated "Help me, please. I put it in your hands.", and while that sounds very Christian, believe me it has helped. Have I done "spells"? Yes. Have they worked? Yes, but it's not like Bewitched. You don't just snap your fingers and the spell automatically activates and poof you got what you asked for. It takes time. Takes time with everything anyways so why should the universe work any differently? We are talking about nature here and energy and things just work in their own time. And here's the real have to be absolutely specific as to what you want the outcome to be and you have to believe that it will be. If you're vague, the universe has a way of being a bit of a jokester and will give you something similar to what you were asking for...but not quite on the button.

Trust me, this would be easier if I had all of you in the same room to explain things but before forget, there are these things to know in my opinion.

We all do have a personal energy to call on when we need it, something to tap into and it comes from us naturally (ergo from nature). If you start feeling something bad is going on, you have the power within you to banish it just by exclaiming that it is not welcome and to leave.
That power is within you.

There are things beyond our perception out there, so for those that call me crazy, why would this not be a viable option? I know that I have called out to a friend of mine by thinking about her and she has heard me. It's about being "in tune" with the energies around us in the universe.

My religious belief tell me to respect nature, to thank the trees for shade and apples, to thank my roses for their beautiful flowers, and even thank the bugs crawling around for making my garden grow better. It's about life (not a death on a cross and no offense to Christians). It's about the cycles that we all go through of coming from nothing, growing from a seed and egg, and eventually returning to Mother Earth where everything came from.

I just chose the path that also states that I have the power to cause things to happen. It may not make it rain tomorrow, but I have been sorely in need of money and done a ritual and two days later there was money I needed (and I didn't have a job or welfare thank you very much). Our minds are too powerful not to be able to do things outside "the box".

This was a really hard post for me because it's actually easy and complex at the same time in my head. Any questions I will gladly answer. For now...just know that I always end thing with Peace because it's my own little way of sending peace to you all.


Sunday, October 16, 2005

The end of Angst ... cause it's Sunday I had this great post going here. It was funny, and clever, and amusing and ... my computer froze and I hadn't saved it as a draft dammit! It's all because of yesterday. I was meaning to post, really I was, but there was this little problem I was having with an Empress who is actually pretty evil (hey you carry two swords with ya, ya know you got problems). She wanted to make sure the sands of time get created right, well ok I decide to help her but she backstabbed me and now I have to kill her in the present rather than the past to make sure my fate isn't sealed in doom! Ok....I played Prince of Persia yesterday afternoon...and evening...and well into the night but I am at the final battle. Yes I am a gamer dork and I will give my little Game Cube a much needed rest after this is all over. After all, I wanna crack open my new Xmen2 on the PS2 (who is feeling neglected).

So, I thought about it and thought again and realized that I have had enough angst on here to fill 3 goth albums and tomes of a 14 year old's poetry books. I'm hoping all that is at an end. I'm sick of bad news, and relatives that garuantee to upset me, and just bad stuff in general. So...I'm going to shopping in a little. I'm gonna see what kind of Dvd burning programs are out there, and look for a nice cuddly, warm blanket. Hell, I may even ride my bike around for a while!

So...seeing as she may think I have forgotten, I will be posting about being a pagan. Just not today because it tends to get a bit complex in my head and I need to find out how to put it all down. So M'lady, I haven't forgotten you :) But what I will do is give you my top 20 (stolen from Larry's site, and Ryan's). These are in no particular order with the exception of the number one slot.

Top 20 of 2005

#1 Bob Dylan (and just about anything he has ever written)
2 Marvin Gaye's album What's Going On
3 Tina Turner
4 Loretta Lynn's album Van Lear Rose
5 Jambalya - Hank Williams Sr.
6 The Faint
7 Live's album Mental Jewlery
8 London After Midnight
9 Trance music circa 2000 (Digweed, Oakenfold, Sasha, Chris Lawerence, etc)
10 Johnny Cash (who doesn't love the man in black?)
11 Appasionata - Beetoven
12 The Pet Shop Boys
13 Explosions in the Sky (an amazing Texas postrock band)
14 Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco
15 Gene (a British band that I hope is still together)
16 I Dare You To Move - Switchfoot
17 The Tea Party (a Canadian band I dig a lot)
18 If You Wanna Sing Out, Sing Out - Cat Stevens
19 Michael Franti and Spearhead (you pick just about anything and I'm crazy for it)
20 Home - Marc Broussard

21 The Dresden Dolls (sorry but I had to slip them in)

Ok, so that's it. I'm an audiophile. I dig anything from Punk to Opera. I love 70's funk and soul, dance my ass off to new wave 80s stuff, and mellow out to people like A Silver Mt Zion, and just go off my nut sometimes to trance artist. So this list might change tomorrow, who knows but for now it's all good :) I've even linked a couple of the artist that are possibly more obscure so you can see what they do. Now go out there and enjoy the weekend and life and music dammit!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Why my friends are my family, not my blood relations

Hey baby, what'cha know good
I'm just gettin' back, but you knew I would
War is hell, when will it end,
When will people start gettin' together again
Are things really gettin' better, like the newspaper said
What else is new my friend, besides what I read
Can't find no work, can't find no job my friend
Money is tighter than it's ever been
Say man, I just don't understand
What's going on across this land
Ah what's happening brother,
-Marvin Gaye (What's Happening Brother) from What's Going On

I got a really distressing email from my mother today. Since music has been the one constant in my life to give me peace either in the form of the lyrics (such as Marvin's album What's Going On), or simply musically, I decided to post some of Marvin's lyrics. This was written in around 1971. Vietnam was still raging, political unrest in the country, students were finding their voices still and guess what....the lyrics are just as true to me today as when he wrote them.

Now, I don't care what religion you are. I'm a pagan. I know some folks that are Jewish, I know some that are Christians, I know maybe a Buddist or two. The fact is that all the people I know of different faiths talk to me about their religions (with the possible exception of the Buddists because it's more a philosophic way of looking at life) and what I've heard is about a God of love. All the major religions talk about love and how great love is and how God loves us, etc. So I ask you this...why has it turned into a war of "my god is better than your god" with people? I mean really, when can we just realize that whatever you believe in, you're still going to be a human being and simply try and love that person? [Christianity says love the sinner hate the sin] So it really hurt me to see my mother emailing this to me. I'm posting it because I want to know other people's opinions on it.

I think I have further strained the relationship with my mother because I cuttingly told her not to send me anymore hate mail like this. I reminded her that Muslims are people too, no different than she is or I am. Not to mention the biggest sin, which was telling her I wasn't going to pull the skeletons out of the Christian closet (can you say Crusades where people are being killed in the name of Christ? Yeah...that was really his message now wasn't it? Make them believe in me or kill them.). I recieved a reply with the words "I love my country" in it and it really bothered me. She won't think for a second? She won't look at a bigger picture of things? Why? Why pass on more hatred and mask it as being "patriotic"? I love this country as well. I hate the government but I love this country (well hate the current government and we'll see what happens in the next elections). Honestly, why pass something this hateful? Is it to try and make people hate more? And what about the American Muslims? Should we just corral them up like we did with the Japanese during the second World War? I mean seriously, what's next then? It frightens me and saddens me.

I'll welcome any comments you have on the email she sent. Here it is:

"Muslims do not believe in the holy birth of Christ and yet, they're getting their own "Christmas Holiday" stamp.

Christians cannot even "dream" of posting the ten commandments on federal property, yet, the USPS, who is funded by the Federal Government, is HONORING the Islamic Religion.

This one is hard to comprehend. Scroll down for the text. If there is only one thing you forward today.....let it be this!

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of PanAm Flight 103!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military barracks in Saudi Arabia!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on the Twin Towers on 9/11/2001!
REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!

Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class holiday postage stamp.
REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this stamp when purchasing your stamps at the post office. To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors.
REMEMBER to pass this along to every patriotic AMERICAN you know

Is it just me, or is this an open invitation to add more hatred? I still can't believe my own mother sent this to me. Why the hell do people have to try and keep hatred going? And yes, she is an ignorant woman. (my own words about her) I've even heard her use the "N" word much to my disgust and she doesn't understand why it upsets me?

I don't know how to post music here, wish I did because I wanted to hit you all with another dose of Marvin Gaye. This song is definately in my top 20 (and I'll get around to that list soon), but it's his song What's Going On. If you don't know the song, find a place to download it from and give it a listen. If you don't do that, I hope you at least read the lyrics on the link.


Thursday, October 13, 2005

Oh it is so almost Friday

I have to say I feel slightly embarrassed about the poem I posted. I get in these moods and usually by the next day I'm over it (what a wonder...a nice night of sleep eh?). What makes me want to blush though is that I don't want people to think I am as gloomy as all that, or that I'm going to eat a handful of rat poison. Most importantly, I feel like it looks as if I am fishing for compliments. Well, that wasn't why I posted that. It was just one of those annoying times when I needed to vent my spleen. (and I have a hard time deleting anything with comments on it)

I know I say it with a bit of frequency, but I really do mean it when I say thank you for what you've said in the comments. All the encouragement and obvious caring really means a lot to me.

So....Thursday is it? Tomorrow is Friday, and last night on Wenesday when i had planned to write the above I was highjacked by a wonderful conversation and therefore didn't write anything. (well that and then I started playing Prince of Persia afterwards) Hoping that I'll have more conversations with "the guy" tonight if I'm lucky.

Good news is that my boss (who had been in Ireland) called me last night saying that he was home and we had a nice chat about the shop. Mostly about how nothing had blown up, or customers hadn't been murdered in a psychotic frenzy. Just knowing that he was back made me breath just that much easier last night. Today, he came in for a while and (YES!) did the banking so I didn't have to. Looks like I have my life back a little bit more now.

I thought I was at a loss for things to talk about here, and sometimes it's hard to find a subject but I thought of a good game plan. There have been interviews running round the blog circles that I read, and I thought I would take it a little further. So here's the idea.

If there is something you'd like to know about me, ask in the comments section. Anything really (but I won't reveal things that are too personal) from being a pagan, to what it's like having been an actor...anything. I figure that way, if I find myself at a loss, I can at least answer someone's question and let you know a little more about who I am. (Ok...I'm Batman!)

Alright, I am off to finish my fine dining experience of the Double Bacon with Cheese from Chez Jaque. Hey....what, I'm a displaced Texan who wanted meat :) Sure I know I know it's horrible for ya but ya know what? I'm lazy tonight and I just wanted meat meat meat! God help me but I am a carnivore (ROOOOOOOOOOAR).

Get well Ryan. Larry folks are thinking bout you big time and love ya (yes as a friend). Out there in the holler send me some more of them pictures of the trees turnin. M'lady (yes I know it's not your name but to me, it suits you) I wish I was eating that pudding with you! Daisy honey you are the greatest. Ari...oh my friend I expect to hear more great things from abroad! And J, I can't wait to see what it looks like all painted! Congrats you are on you way to being moved in whether you know it or not!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Revealing myself

At any given moment,
I am too many people to count
from the din that buzzes in my brain
and spills out into my life
and cease to let me be who and what I really am.

I am not my father.
That person is dead and long gone,
buried in a place that I will never see again.
But the anger lives on inside me.
And he whispers in my ears at the wrong time,
when I'm vulnerable,
and needy,
and subtle.

I place masks on my face daily
so that the croweded streets can't touch me.
So that person that I know as me can be safe.

I hate.
I feel the outside pushing in on me,
and the inside trying to keep itself as it should be.
Peace is a thing I used to know about,
and The Goddess's face,
and the powers of the Universe
that seem to slip through my fingers because of this
damn world.

I'll cage myself away again,
lock it up tightly.
Smile for the cameras.
This world is not the one I was meant to exist in.
I simply take up space here now.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Finally, it is over

Monday started out slowly, and then pounced like a rabid lion smelling fresh meat. I swear, there were only three that stood out, but customers today were just out for blood! I'm just glad that the day is over. Now all I have to do is clean a bit here at home before the fire department comes tomorrow to test my smoke detector. Yes, they reschedualed. I think it's silly but hey, the Landlord is coming in whether I want them here or not. So...need to do the dishes and clean up a little.

I'm feeling slightly like I'm blogged out on things to talk about. My day to day life is simply work lately. There is no more Altboy coming in, Ben comes in ever so often but he's just another reminder to me that most people I am attracted to are either straight or taken. FEH! Still, he's nice and we chat so I can't complain that much. I just sometimes wish that I had more interesting and exciting news to throw around. When ya live alone, there's no one that rushes in the door to exclaim something important, or to quietly come in crying, and definately no one coming in to say "I'm home babe." Now wouldn't that be nice? :)

So...having nothing better to talk about today other than the crappy film I watched last night and this afternoon....I'll leave you with this:

I awoke with the sun pelting my eyes. I thought I had drawn the curtain. Remembering last night, I closed my eyes again and threw my arm across the other side of the bed. I found only empty space. He was not there and I began to wonder if it had not been a dream induced by perhaps one glass too many. The other side of the bed was cool in the morning air. I sighed as I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was already half eight. I had no obligations today until ten. I had obviously turned the alarm off in a sleep stupor.

I kept my eyes closed thinking about the man that had captured my heart. The single red rose he held out to me gently last night, or in the dream. The way the light played off his hair, in his eyes, and the soft touch of his lips as he had kissed me gently. It was a dream I was sorry to awaken from. I lay on my back pondering why I hadn't closed the curtains.

Peeking gently through the slits that were my eyes, I spied the clothing strewn on the floor. My tuxedo lay here and there about my floor. Glancing around the room, I noticed that my door was ajar. I began to think that it all was too much drink. I closed my eyes.

An odor wafted into the room, dark and rich. The smell of coffee. I opened my eyes and there he was, dressed in my velvet bathrobe, walking in my bedroom door with a tray. The tray held a coffee service and two steaming mugs of coffee. He smiled and said, "I hope you don't mind I borrowed this. I didn't want to wake you and I wasn't sure exactly which were my clothes and which were yours."

He lay the tray down, bringing me a cup of strong coffee. From behind his back his other hand brought out a small bunch of freshly picked roses of varied color from the garden. He lay down next to me, putting the flowers on my chest, and rested his head on an empty spot there on my chest. He gazed up at me and said, "Please tell me that we can stay like this forever."

I kissed his head, had a sip of coffee and we lay there for an eternity.

Sunday, October 09, 2005


I get the feeling that most folks must think that my life is all gloom and doom lately. Can't say that it is, and I can't say it isn't. Just seems like life ya know? Up and downs and sometimes you find yourself sliding sideways as well. Well my life can get that wierd at times.

Just got an email from a friend in Detroit telling me he thinks he finally found "the one". Well I do hope that he did. Nice guy. Course it makes me wonder why all the really decent folks seem to be living on the other side of this country. Maybe there's something wrong with Cali in general. Plastic people with plastic smiles in certain areas. Sometimes I just wonder if it isn't time to move on from here, but I have no idea where to go or what I'd do there differently ya know? lieu of anything interesting to write today, I'm gonna go all dreamy on ya.

The hardwood floor shone with little pools of light reflected by the dimmed chandelier and moonlight flooding through the open doors allowing my guest into the garden, and to their cars. I had seen the last of them off finally. The band had left, and in the silence, I went and turned on Frank Sinatra. As I began to close the row of french doors, Frank was singing "Night and Day" softly. All but for the music, the night was quiet. I could hear my heals clicking softly on the ballroom floor, and thought how many people had danced on it tonight, with the exception of myself.

I turned, leaving one last set of doors open. Frank had moved on to "I Only Have Eyes For You" and I opened my tux jacket, loosening my tie and decided to find one last glass of anything for the evening. As I shook bottle after bottle of Champagne, I heard something behind me. Perhaps it was only my imagination, something I wanted to hear. The last strains of the song rang out as I waited for the next.

Frank Sinatra began to sing slow and mellowly "Our Love Is Here To Stay". I turned to finish closing up when I saw a silhouetted figure in the doorway. His heels made soft noise in the empty room as he approached. In his hand was one red rose. He closed the distance between us, and asked,

"May I have this dance?"

He offered his hand, and I slid into his arms. Slowly we danced around the room. We danced as if we were the only two people in the world. And suddenly, the world didn't matter.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Lazy lazy lazy

Well there y'all are! Howdy and welcome to my little humble abode. Been working on my "garden" here today and I just thought I'd let ya see it. Basically it's what I see everytime I come home. Give that Heliotrope a little while and it'll be big and bushy and smell amazing!

So it's Saturday and I'm just piddling about. Last night was a bit odd. You ever find you ever find yourself up late at night/early morning and you're trying to watch something? Well I kept drifing off and waking up. I'm surprised I didn't have surreal dreams! Finally when I woke up at 4am, I decided that i had to drag myself out of bed so I could turn off the lights and get out of my clothes. yeah, I think I was a bit tired. But's the weekend and Prince of Persia was calling me (for around 2 hours actually..god I'm addicted)

So today is a special day because it's my buddy Larry's birthday. Seeing as he hasn't yet updated his blog, I doubt he's gonna do it for today. You can still send him big ol' birthday greetings though. Come on folks and show that love! He's a great guy and I hope he likes what I sent him (although it apparently is going to be showing up later than intended).

Friend of mine at work gave me this cool site to check out. If you like music, this is probably a good place to find new stuff. Pandora lets you type in an artist or a song and then they try and match up more artists and songs that you'd like based on that first one. Pretty cool huh? Did I mention it works like a radio so you get to hear the songs they're suggesting? Only down side is that you get only 10 hours of music from them and then you have to subscribe. Ah well...

Who knows what silliness I'm going to get up to tonight. May be another marathon of Prince of Persia but I'm thinkin bout a movie. We'll see...
Thanks for droppin by, I'll seeya to the door. Come on back again soon and I'll make us a pot of tea ok?

Friday, October 07, 2005

It's Friday, I'm in love

Friday Friday I love ya Friday. Finally, a little bit of time to decompress from this whole work thing and to just relax and hopefully enjoy myself.

I didn't write yesterday because of yesterday at work. I have no clue what was wrong with me. I was depressed for no reason, didn't want to talk to my coworker B who tried to get me cahtting, and for some reason the wierdest part is this....I felt like crying. I don't cry. Ok, I have been known to tear up at things (movies, plays, music sometimes), but the last time I cried I was so incredibly broken that I couldn't help but cry. So, I was a bit concerned when yesterday at the register I felt that thickness in my throat, then it went away. When I was washing dishes, same thing. By the time I had finished everything I had to do at work, I bolted out of there. Besides, there are few people on the face of this planet I feel comfortable enough with to cry infront of. I think out here in Cali, only 3 of my friends in the almost 20 years I've been here have seen it happen. blogging for me yesterday. I came, read my dailies and made a few comments, checked email and proceeded to lay down to watch Starship Troopers. I know I fell asleep somewhere in there but I didn't give a rat's ass. When I woke up, I was completely groggy but headed back to work to get stuff ready for today. For some reason though, I felt better. Then I made the mistake of having coffee and I felt like I was jumping back and forth between being really hyper, and ultra-tired. So..instead of writing I played Prince of Persia and made a mix Cd for work today.

Today though...everything seems fine. Better than fine were the two hot guys that came in today. One of them is someone I've seen off and on in the shop. He actually loaned me a cd because we were discussing a track that was playing. Funny....he happened to have the album with him and when I said it was the only track I had off of it, he just flat out handed me the cd after asking if I wanted to copy it.....and now I can't for the life of me remember his name. He's a hot little Asian cat. Yes, I think he's adorable. I swear I think he said his name was Neuton (I am so not kidding about that). Then there was the guy that was obviously straight but.....sigh....pretty. And Ben came in today. I think I through him for a loop. Somehow it came out that I had been/am an actor. He got this big smile and asked what roles I'd done. My coworker Ross said "His most famous was playing Scroooge.", to which Ben smiled even broader, made some comment and left. Now why the hell does Ben have to have a boyfriend? Oish.

Ya know, what bothers me about these mood swings is that I know it means something is going on. What bothers me the most is not knowing what it was/is/might be. All I can do is chalk it up to the fact that I feel slightly stressed at work lately, I don't really eat right most of the time, and I could use more sleep given the chance.

Having so said, I need to make up my mind about tonight. Goth club in Santa Cruz but it doesn't start until 9:30 and the drive is kinda a bear. Still, maybe I'll go. I don't know. If I don't, either I'm hittin my gamecube hard tonight or I'm going to call up Dan and Hawley and see if they want to go see The Corpse Bride. First though, I think I'm gonna nap. Then, I have some accounting stuff to do at the shop but after that? It's definately ME time!

Again, thanks for the comments everyone. The words of encouragement and well..affection make this "lonely" boy feel loved. :)

P.S. If you think Asian guys can't be hot? Check out these cats:
Jason Scott Lee
Bruce Lee (no relation to Jason although Jason played Bruce in the film Dragon)

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


I'm feeling so frustrated tonight, like I used to know what path I was supposed to be taking in life. Feel like I'm a whiner constantly in my head saying "why why why?". It makes me feel pathetic and weak, and that's not what I want to be. It's not how I'm supposed to be. No one is.

Lately I've tried to help out some people here in California and what do I find? I feel used. I'm of little consequence unless there is something that they need, or if it's convient for them. Well to hell with them. To hell with it all actually because they've made me doubt myself. It's in my nature to try and do what I can for folks especially if they are someone who's company I enjoy. Lately, I wish I could turn that off. I always wind up feeling foolish and like a dog that will come back again and again only to be kicked repeatedly. I just know in my heart of hearts that it's the right thing to do though.

Don't get me wrong, it's not everyone, just some people that unfortunately I will be forced to deal with because of work. It just makes me crawl a little bit more into myself in the outside world and only show them a facade. Hell, I doubt that they actually even really know the real me. Do I care? I want to say no, but the truth is yes I do. And that is what makes it frustrating.

Today? I can't say anything bad happened. I worked. I'll do it again tomorrow, but the face I'll let them see tomorrow is the machine. It's the simple idea of being a machine when I'm there. No emotion, no reason to interact with anyone except to make drinks and take money. Become as cold and meaningless as a machine. I keep thinking if I can achieve that, then maybe it will allow my mind to work on what's bothering me.

I feel foolish for reaching out to try and help folks at times, but dammit, that's what my heart tells me is the right thing to do. I refuse to go against my heart. If I do that, I am truly sunk.

Feh. Maybe a quick round of Prince of Persia will kill these thoughts. Something to numb the mind and since I don't really drink...videogames are a good option.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Oh joy

Well, for those of you that are managers, you'll love this one. I'm still learning about it all sort of although I've been the morning manager for the shop now probably 2 years. coworker has read the schedual and is there on time and all goes smoothly until....10:30. See, we have someone come in then to prep our little kitchen (we make sandwiches) and to pretty much give us morning folks a break if possible. Ok, so sometimes folks are a little late. 11 I am on the phone calling our 10:30 person leaving an angry message and being frustrated. Guess what..turns out that our 10:30 worker was in school. That's right my boss schedualed him to work knowing that R's school schedual was M,T,T,F from 8am -5pm. Once I find this out I call R back to leave an appologetic message at his house, then try him on his cellphone and leave another appologetic message there. WTF?!

I just got back home from driving back to the shop seeing as I am the only person around that knows how to get into the safe to get the change that they needed and by now (10pm) they're closed. What fun, what fun. Work is such a pleasure at time (FEH!). Course this reminds me that I have three deposits to take to the bank tomorrow outside of the fact that I'm hoping the morning drawer holds out on five dollar bills. You'd be amazed how those things fly out the door. Seriously, if I had to say what currency gets eaten up the most it's five dollar bills followed rapidly by quarters. Ah..the joys of being in charge eh?

Still, I can't say that things are bad. My mood has picked up and I seriously think that there was just something horribly wrong yesterday in general and this past weekend. Forgive me if I whine a bit but....romantic movies and the current novel I am reading only seem to make me depressed. Now, I'm not going to not finish my novel, because I know how it turns out (novelization of a movie), but dammit...when you've been single for 98% of your entire gets to ya. I can't even say that I have had a "real" boyfriend because the one "relationship" I thought I had turned out not to be on. (confused? Well if ya want the entire story email me cause it's not for general consumption and maybe I'll tell ya)

I keep meeting these amazing folks here through this silly little site of mine (I'm gonna let it shine), and part of me hopes that the man of my dreams will show up here one day. I kinda doubt it but wierder things have happened in my life. For now though, I'mjust kinda revelling in the fact that I have been able to find some really great friends...even if they do all live on the opposite side of the country as me. (or outside of the country) For those of you who seem to comment here a lot, thanks. For those that don't, thanks anyways because I have my ways of knowing who's poppin up (even if I can't figure out the damn program I'm using like I want to). What's in store for me tomorrow? God only knows but I'm sure it's probably going to be slightly intresting....tune in folks. i think I'm goin for an Emmy this season ;)

Monday, October 03, 2005


And it came to pass that whatever diety I happend to piss off smote me today with great vengence.

As you know, I open the coffee shop I work for at 6:30 am. By 7am there is supposed to be second person there to help. Supposed to. By 7:30 (having had time to glance up at the clock finally), I figured that he would be there soon. By 8am I get pissed enough to call him. No answer, just voicemail and my message of "Well just wondering when you were going to show up today." By 9am a different co-worker comes in for some coffee before he goes to the gym and helps me out a bit, calls the person who was supposed to be reply, leaves a message. By a little past 10am, three hours later (and if I had hair it would be disshevled and I am sure I looked quite frenetic) he arrives. He had misread our schedual and didn't think he had to work today (which means he read next weeks schedual). My big question is who did I piss off today?

Now, the only good thing about running around like someone has turned the area behind the bar into a fire pit is this, I didn't have time to think. I am a machine sometimes. Really, I mean it. I am a robot. I am a superman. I have eight arms and know each and every customer's drink and have it ready for them within seconds. (ok...well I do know just about everyone's drink because of how long I have been doing this now) It jostled my brain immensly and that was a very good thing.

Apparently I am no good when left to my own devices. Especially when I get into a thinking mode which sinks me further down usually. Maybe I should just realize that as much as I look forward to and enjoy doing "nothing", it's not the best thing for me anymore. Too much time to think is a bad thing.

Sunday, October 02, 2005


I have made the horrible mistake of reading a love story. I wasn't joking about swearing off romantic things (unless it invovled hearing them from my friends). Romance and I have a definate love/hate relationship at times. Most of the time, I am on the outs with it. It doesn't seem to find me anything more than a toy to play with. It puts me in a rather miserable place somewhere in a melancholic listlessness. Feh upon it I say! Feh. I'll snap out of it soon enough I'm sure.

The weekend is not officially over and I am heading back to work tomorrow knowing full well that...I will be making overtime this pay period. I almost forgot tonight to do the deposit, but luckily I had to go and make my list for Costco tomorrow.

Funny thing money is. Little pieces of paper. Have you ever really though about it? All that is truly is ... is paper. There's nothing magical about it. There is no real value in it. It's just dyed paper that SAYS it's worth something...and we treat it that way. Just struck me as odd as I was counting and bundling the bills for the deposit. Every now and then this just hits me and, while I may appear insane because of it, I just want to shout at everyone "It's nothing more than friggin little pieces of cut and dyed paper you fools!" If I ever do, I would appreciate several large boxes of crayons for my stay in Bedlam.

Having so said that money is basically worthless, I wish I had ton right now. I wish I had enough money to simply travel around for at least 6 months. But, I will be going somewhere soon enough. In looking into a mini-vacation for myself. I found out that it really won't cost much to get a hotel and flight bundle depending on where I go. Less if someone else pays for it! (boy I crack me up)

I spent the weekend friviously and now I'm staring into the lion's mouth of another week working. Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten up this morning ;)