Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Thank yous all around

I wanted to thank you all for your comments on last night's entry. I didn't even realize that some of you read my blog heh. It really does mean a great deal to me and I just wanted to say thank you again. I thought about emailing all of you that said something but realized, it might seem just a tad wierd so....?

So I had been down lately, rather, for a while and I don't know why other than I had a lot on my mind (and this was before Katrina). Today though, standing outside having my morning smoke with coffee in hand, I turned my face up to the sky and told my Dieties what I didn't want. This won't make any sense to anyone that doesn't actually know me well but I told them I didn't want to live my father's life. That is for another post....a long I'm not entirely sure I'm up to posting for the world to see. The thing is that I know what I believe in hears everything I say and they acted rather quickly on my behalf (now if you don't believe in this...well I do and that's the part that actually matters). Today I started feeling like my old self again. I'm slightly randy, I was upbeat all day at work (even with a coworker that let me do 80% of the work)...and I don't feel so damn exhausted. I think the old me, or maybe even a new me, is back in full force.

One thing that will always pick you up slightly is that face...come one you know what I mean...the face of that one someone you weren't expecting to see? The extremely cute guy face! Asked him again today what his name was and I think it sunk in this time. He works at a bike shop (cycles not motorbikes) and hopefully will be there Monday when I take mine in. Best of all, he's been showing me his tattoo. Big deal you say? It is to me because it's slightly above (or below...I'll have to look again heh) his belly button. It is a beautiful piece, but it's so damn sexy to see that section of his tummy that I just want to lick until the ink comes off on my tongue! little Altboy...would the heavens grant me that you are gay, oh yeah, and single and interested.

No news yet from my fam but I'm taking that as good news. I have a feeling Chris and Mary are in Houston (and may god save all humanity from that town). Guess I'll find out this weekend if I'm lucky. I have to *quivering in fear* call mom. Been putting it off for a while so...

God I hope my altboy comes in tomorrow so I can find out if he's working Monday!

Fortunes and Names

Your Fortune Is

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Your Outrageous Name Is
Pat Maweenie

Thanks to Sixshooter for these little pieces of wisdom and merriment. I'm sure I'll be back later with more diatribe to expound upon. Geez...what's with me and the $5 words lately? oish.....

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

New Orleans and family

So I appologise in advance cause I'm a bit emotional right now. I'm not cryin or nothing but they all seem really close to the surface. My brother, his wife, and my new little niece all live in New Orleans. I watched a bunch of vid clips trying to see the area of town that I know they live in but under all that water I can't make out what is what even. If it hadn't been for Dan calling me, I wouldn't have even know how bad it is out there and that it was basically completely flooded.
My brother and his wife have a house near Lake Ponchatrain (SP?). This is the brother that I don't really seem to get along with, or talk with because of stupid shit. Now all I can think of is that their house may not be there when they get back, and did they get out in time. He works as a Dr. in an ER somewhere in New Orleans, I don't even know where. I just hope they all got out alright before the levee broke.

I keep trying to tell myself that if something really horrible happened that I'd get a call from my mom, or my other brother in Texas. I'm not so sure now. I'm starting to think that I have completely fucked up my family relationships. My brothers never contact me and I don't contact them because it just seemed that they didn't care enough to bother getting in touch with me ever. Much as we don't even know one another anymore, I really hope that I'll hear something.

I really am a rat bastard of the family. I'm probably the black sheep. I have no clue and what's worse...I really don't care that much. Do care enough to worry about if everyone is ok though. Other than that, I am heartless and calloused from years of being odd man out in my own family.

My advice? Tell the people that you care about you love them with great frequency.

Monday, August 29, 2005 of these days I'll learn enough about HTML

Ok, so I'm a sucker....if yer wondering what I'm talking about, go down alllll the way to the end of this page and click on Samson. Hell, play with him for a while, he needs the exorcise.

The Lovers of Monday....NOT!

I am The Lovers

The Lovers often refers to a relationship that is based on deep love - the strongest force of all. The relationship may not be sexual, although it often is or could be. More generally, the Lovers can represent the attractive force that draws any two entities together in a relationship - whether people, ideas, events, movements or groups.

For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate." method="get">Month: Day: Year:

Thanks to
Spencer, you too can find out what tarot card you are, and I think it's interesting because I do actually read tarot. (not professionally but I've been doing it for friends for over 10 years now) The funny thing to me is getting The Lovers card. Absolutely wierd wierd wierd because my hopes and dreams have always seemed to linger on someone being there in my life for me. I think I like their interpretation better than mine though.

Today being Monday, I got to work with a coworker that I normally like a lot. Normally. What happened? When did people become so damn lazy? Again, I was running circles around my coworker. I mean, come on, I work at a coffee shop pulling the morning shift for christ's sake and ya know? We get busy and there can be volumes of folks coming through the door. So pick up the damn slack would ya? What worse is that we split the tips at the end of our shift and I can always tell (when working with someone that really hussles and works) how we did and why.

Still, I shouldn't complain about the tips I guess. It's just that lately I've been worried about my financial state and where it's going to put me least I didn't want to kill anyone today. She made me feel more relaxed (in my stressed out way if that is possible) than the guy last week.

And yes, if you read yesterday's entry I decided to delete some stuff. The only reason to bring this up is that in some way it just felt wrong. Something bothered me about putting it up there. You know that you need to change the entry when at 6am whilest having your coffee and cigarette (ok you caught me I smoke), your thoughts are on last night's blog entry. Well it's either that something was too personal about it, or I thought things would be misconstrued when read, or I just have no life. Take your pick on that one folks.

My life isn't always malcontent, but lately I get the feeling that I need a major change up somehow and I just don't know what, or how, to do it. I thought about doing what I typically do which is crawl into my hole, not poke my head out until whatever is bothers me if finished it course...but maybe it's just time to try a new approach eh? Feh. Who knows, who cares, why bother :) I'll survive like I always do and come out swinging like a slugger eventually.

Glad to see me buddy Adam is back. Now I'm just waiting to see how that Atlantan's first day of college was. And hey, just wanted to say thanks to anyone who's left me a comment on here. Y'all makes me smile.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

The long and winding mind

I've had this wierd feeling lately that something is happening to me. I can't pin it down is the problem. So, if y'all will pardon me I'm just gonna spill my spleen here for a little.

I had this idea today for a road trip. Just me and my car and my music and the open roads ya know? Talked with my boss about it and he seemed ok with it but it means I have to save save save like a madman. I want to just head out towards the other coast and meet some of the folks who's blogs I read. I mean, the ones I read daily start feeling more and more like I know them relatively well but I'm scared cause I don't know if I'd live up to who they may think I am ya know? Just...I need to really connect with people.

My friends here are great but I hardly see any of them because everyone has wierd scheduals, some of them are in plays currently, or school, or have odd work I find myself sitting here at the computer more and more. That ain't right. I need people. I mean I really need people around me and here I sit (collecting more comic books >_<) and wondering what the hell I did with my life and where it's going. I have all these crazy dreams like running away and auditioning for Cirque Du Soliel (yes they take actors not just the sexy men you see doing the cool tricks), or blogging from the road somewhere in the US (if I can afford a laptop), or just finding a new job where I could have more of a social life...rather, not letting my job be my life.

And another thing dammit, I'm tired of worrying what people think about me or how they perceive me. Now that's the hardest one because out here in cyberland, people take me for who I am no questions asked it seems. In my day to day dulldromes though...I have to be a specific way to satisfy folks it seems. And yes, there are still people that make me feel like the fat kid I was in Jr. High who would run and hide a lot. So, who am I? Guess that's my big question lately.
Downside to all of this? I can't make this damn world work the way I wanted it too LOL! Cause sugars, I swear I would keep the good folks happy, the bad folks miserable, and I'd be this kick ass superduperuber fag superhero rescuin' those in need!

Hm....Superfag. Hm. Maybe a big red F on my chest? Something stylish with no cape thank you very much.

Decked out in knee high black leather boots, half finger leather gloves (black), some kinda tight muscly black shiny material shirt (with a big red or pink F on it), some kinda comfy pants and I'm thinking red or white actually...and yes...the long black (at least dark brown) coat flowing behind me. So watch out world! Superfag is gonna take you on babies.

But first I gotta get contact lenses:)

And I'll leave ya with my latest creation.....Cher Hair.

P.s. Thanks for those that commented on the poem. There may be more of them in the future.

For Him, Most Every Day

Sometimes I find myself looking at the rim of your glasses.
My eyes will be pulled in,
trying not to stare,
finding myself gazing at your eyes.
Those crystalline eyes.
Your nonchalant demeanor.
Your face,
slightly unshaven,
smiling at little jokes.
Would you want to know,
if I dared to tell you,
what was on my mind?
Would it matter that I wanted nothing,
just my arms wrapped around you?
But I’m relegated to
small talk,
and the memory of you walking in,
and out,
of my doors.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Dream a little dream

I don't normally remember my dreams. Matter of fact, if it wasn't for the fact that I hear we dream everynight, I would say I didn't. Last night, rather this morning, I definately did and what a wild, wierd doozy it turned out to be. The events are still a bit foggy but I definately remember the highlights of it though.

Picture yourself in a bar. It looked like an old night club actually, wooden floors, tables with chairs set up, but in the back was the "main room". So it was raining and for some reason I found myself in this place. Next thing I know, I'm being told to change cause they need me to perform. Well, turned out that I was dressed as a cowgirl first (the rest of the performers were women by the way) but the croud loved my act. Ok, I thought, well I guess I should go out there and give them what they want...right?

The main room had a lot of guys in it. I'm pretty sure at this point I had the idea that it was some wierd Texas gay bar out in the boonies but I don't know. I go out after one of the other girls and do a song and dance and the guys all hoot and holler and loved me. Well, I figured that was the end of it right? Nope! I hadn't done the finale and there was some major drama going on in the changing room. I think one of the girls had left early or something ('s my wierd dream so stay with me here).

They start to get me dressed and I'm in a red satin number. One of those goes from the crotch and barely covers the tits numbers with a lot of lacing up the back and bows on the nipple area.'s getting wierder. Next they slapped me in red heels. (can you imagine a 6'4" guy in heels? to them it I looked normal though) I get this red skirt, a black wig and a ... well some kinda shawl type thing and I'm thrown out to do the finale. Now, if anything was wierd about all of this (in waking retrospect), it had to be the fact that I made a really beautiful woman who suddenly looked like a sleak and sexy tango dancer out there on the floor.

The finale? Of course...I tango. I'm doing my dance when this guy comes up to me. He's gorgeous and he starts dancing with me. I'm wrapping my shawl around him to the music and we tango like we'd be dancing together for 50 years. The crowd loved us. More to the point, in waking, I realized....I loved it. I got to dance with a beautiful man, and I was ultimately desired and beautiful myself.

So that's what I woke up from this morning. Rather that's what I woke up the last time to. My day during the week starts around 5am, and I had been up last night late watching a movie and got to bed around 1-2am realizing I didn't have anything to get for this morning. No alarm clock set, just sleepin in on a Saturday so what time I wake up the first time? 5am. I turn on the tv and try to make it make me sleepy, and it worked. I wake up at...7am. (grumble) At least I got to catch part of the Batman cartoon but fell asleep and had that wacky dream and finally woke up around 9:30 this morning and decided enough was enough and got out of bed.

Now...I'm tired, but not sleepy. Sometimes I really hate my body for this reason. I feel sort of run down but not sleepy. My thoughts, I want to live in that dream. I want to go back in there and this time, be wearing a tuxedo (and so would he) and we'd dance to something slow and romantic on a polished ballroom floor while moonlight comes in through the windows. So why can't I dream that instead? Wish I knew how to program my dreams but I tell ya, if I do get to dream about dancing with someone in the moonlight....I don't ever want to wake up from it.

My God...I've been tagged

List of Goals top 10
1 Find a way to find a boyfriend
2 Write more often and try and get published
3 Try and start having a relationship with my family again
4 Find a way to increase my money situation
5 Dance with the man I love to a slow song on a moonlit night
6 Try and become alright with myself finally
7 Start working out and lose the handles
8 Find a way to be more outgoing
9 Meet some of the amazing people I read/chat with
10 Fall madly in love with someone who is madly in love with me

15Songs in my (I don't own an Ipod *sniffle*) Itunes I play regularly:

1 I Don't Like Mondays - The Boomtown Rats
2 Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Babe - Barry White
3 Defying Gravity - Wicked; The Musical
4 You Make Me Feel Mighty Real - Jimmy Summerville
5 What I Be - Michael Franti and Spearhead
6 Oh My God - Michael Franti and Spearhead
7 High On A Mountaintop - Loretta Lynn
8 Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
9 Callin Out To All Area Groups - Lyrics Born
10 Emerald City - United States of Electronica
11 You're Not Alone - Atom
12 Chocolate - Snow Patrol
13 Run - Snow Patrol
14 Vampires - Pet Shop Boys

Jeezo that was more difficult than I expected but there are a few folks I wanna tag cause now I'm curious so it's now your turn

Cory (if you read this)
and that Angrylilcub

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Oh but I am a robot

Oish what a little sleep will do for ya. Not feeling like I want to rip peoples head off anymore, not feeling like a zombie on the rampage, and definately...not at work. I don't know if it's that I needed the nap, or if I just need to eat better or what, but I thought I was going to kill someone at work today. I really did. My blood pressure kept rising steadily throughout the day and part of it is due to my coworker.

I may be a bit obessive about work. I know that it's entirely possible to have a good time and still do what you have to do. That's not that hard to understand is it? When your coworker is just standing around and flappin his gums while customers are waiting for their drinks...well that starts to bother me. I swear I was running circles around him today. If it weren't for the fact that we were hellaciously busy, I would have thought about just sending him home and doing the whole damn shift alone. (believe me, 7 hours of barista work alone is NOT what anyone wants to do)

And then...there was Ben. Again timing is all wrong with this guy. I wanted to ask for his email adress, or phone number, or something just so I could talk to him outside of the cafe. I know he has a boyfriend. I know that. It's not like he's going to mystically fall in love with me, but else am I going to actually speak with him and get to know him? Do I want to bone him? Well, I don' t really know. I'm a romantic at heart. I'd like to wander down the streets of SF or somewhere with him hand in hand after a dinner somewhere. I'd like to find myself in his arms, or wrap my arms around him while we looked at the ocean. God I'm a sucker. But who doesn't want someone to do that for them, or allow them to do that to them?

My friend Pat is going to be in town next week. Wierd!!!! I haven't seen him for maybe 5 years or more and this will be the first time I have since he moved away. I saw a recent picture of him and damn, the boy has changed and luckily for me grown up as well. He still sounds like the old Pat thought. I had such a friggin crush on him when I met him and was convinced I was in love. Funny how you can fall for your best friends isn't it? So, I'm a little nervous at seeing him again, but I'm pretty happy to know that he was looking for me all things considered. Friends pretty much rock my world ya know?

Speaking of, I am off soon to go and see Jason Turtle play at a cafe near me. Nice mellowish music, so it should be a fun evening. But tomorrow? Outside of picking up a keyboard I'm buying off a friend, who the hell knows. I may just videogame myself into oblivion or drink rot gut liquor til I'm a slug in the gutters but I know one thing.....tomorrow is Friday and that means freedom from work! WOO HOO!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

What a wierd wierd day

Well now. It appears that other people can take decent photos of me, I just can't do it myself. Thanks to my friend Philly for taking this today when I wasn't looking at work. (Go Toronto Blue Jays!). Unfortunately the image was too big for the profile picture so I think I'll just drop a copy of the entire thing down below.

Violet's funeral service was just down right wierd. The paster was a woman and while I have no problem with that whatsoever, the fact that I thought she was trying to turn it into a friggin Vegas act bothered me. Swear she sounded to me like a used car salesman you see on late night Tv ads. What kinda bothered me more was when she asked if anyone had any stories they wanted to share about Violet. Now, I know this was a memorial/funeral and it wasn't in a church it was at a funeral home...but when the paster realized she could walk around with the cordless mike sort of waving it at people to see who wanted to say something...Hello, Oprah?! I hope Violet enjoyed it. I think I would have been better off skipping it and just paying her tribute in my own way.

At least tomorrow is Wenesday. I'm looking dead into Friday's eyes with anticipation of sleeping. I don't know why but I don't sleep well lately. Get up with the alarm but I just don't feel rested lately. I have no clue what that is all about. Diet? Exorcise needed? More fun in my life (well that's a given hehe)? And ya know what...every weekend I wind up til ungodly hours playing games, or here on the puter, or watchin movies and still manage to get them 8 hours. I can't do that during the week. Hell, I'd have to be in bed by around 9:00pm if I really wanted 8 hours and I'm a night owl. So....6 is usually good enough for me. Hope I'm not coming down with anything. I doubt it though. I don't get sick.

I feel like puttin in a movie to watch during dinner (yeah I'm eating hellllla late tonight), but I know that's a bad idea. Wish I liked watching Tv. Just gotten out of the habit over the past couple of years. Now that Angel and Buffy are off the air, there's just not much that captures my attention. (granted I may have to watch Smallville because Spike is gonna be on there as Brainiac!) Ah well, tomorrow is comic day for me so I shall hopefully have my new issues in. Wish me luck, but like a decent 4 year old with Halloween candy, they'll be read in no time and I'll be fiending for more.

Peace everyone.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Feeling rather heavy right now.

So it just struck me that tomorrow I have to say goodbye for real to Violet. It's wierd actully because I somehow expect to see her again, and I know I won't. I don't know how exactly it makes me feel to tell the truth. After all, while she wasn't a family member or close personal friend really, I did see her 5 days a week and somehow that made her part of an extended family.

So I'm feeling rather heavy right now. Probably has to do with Violet and the thought of another funeral. Last time I went to one I had to say goodbye to my friend Ed. That messed me up and good. He was this wonderful guy that made everyone feel special. He was talented and good looking and just fucking full of life. Best memory of what Ed was like is this.

Ed had been out at a skatepark riding his BMX bike and something happened and he fell. Fool broke his collar bone. Next day I see Ed coming up to the shop (yes he was also a fellow employee and friend). How is he getting to work, complete with the arm in a sling and kinda bundled up round the shoulder? Ed was riding his skateboard up to to work. I swear that nothing could keep him down. And I had to say goodbye to that.

Guess that this all come back to my pops. He's been dead almost 10 years now. The worst of it? I remember the funeral, but I have a hard time remembering his face. Ain't that a kick in the rubber parts? Up to almost the day he died I lived with him out here, and I can't really see his face in my mind. And now I'm afraid that's going to happen with Violet. Right now I remeber her giggling and the way she kinda shook when she laughed. She was a bit roundish heh.

Perils of getting on in life I suppose. Didn't help that someone today told me that I should adopt because I'm so good with the kids that come in to the shop. You might think it's silly for someone my age to play peek-a-boo around the esspresso machine, but if I can get a kid to smile...that's enough for me. Sides, for the most part all the kids (this being maybe 2-10 year olds) are good little tikes. Shit, I wouldn't mind being a father. Reality soon sets in when I realize that I would have no business having a kid. I don't make enough money, sometimes I am way to moody to deal with anyone...probably why I don't have a boyfriend eh?

I just suddenly feel that little piece of mortality knocking on my door saying "You're going to be forgotten too ya know?" Problem is that I am tenacious and refuse to die until I am damn good and ready. Shit, if I have it my way (and believe me I'm working on it), I'll be an old man laughing his ass off with his friends on a porch somewhere rockin in our chairs talkin bout the "old days". Just so long as I have my friends there and I'm not alone...who really gives a shit eh?

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I'm really pissed off y'all

Before I launch into a major rant action, I put up a new image for me. Before you ask, why yes, that is EXACTLY what I look like. hehe I'll get a decent picture of me taken one day. what pisses Michael off? How about injustice, force, "the man", and preposterous shows of force that are so unnecessary that it borders on criminal? In Utah, from what the article I'm going to link to says, there was a rave...fully permitted, the patted you down for drugs, did car searches etc, so basically they were making sure that it was just a bunch of folks ready to dance and have a good time....and this rave was busted. Not just busted, but it started with a helocopter flying over head. Then there were guys in camo gear with guns that arrive and tell everyone to leave. Eventually there was tear gas thrown although everyone was leaving peacefully. This is the story.

Now, I used to go to raves. I loved them even though I was the kinda bad raver who was all fucked up on E at the time. I never saw any fights at the raves I went to. I never heard of anyone ODing at the raves I went to, and ya know what? People were pretty friggin cool! They were relatively friendly for the most part even for a wallflower/loner like myself. I had a great time at these parties and to hear that some dumb ass decided to pull that kinda force in to bust one up? WTF?! Chaps my ass to no end...pardon the possible pun there. But seriously folk, even if there were folks all messed up on drugs, and drunk, every time I went to a rave/party people were chill with each other. only raises my blood pressure.

So....I gotta say that boy from Atlanta is a trip. I loves me some of his craziness. That boy is gonna go far. Ah the joy of youth. I should have done the whole road trip thing. Hell, maybe I still will..probably not with the degree of success my amigo is having though but...?

Holy shit...9:30 and I still have to eat dinner. Where did my weekend go? Sigh...back to the grrrrind. Peace y'all.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Myspace or, your lack of popularity is showing

So I was over at Myspace, realizing that my friend Antonio was correct and that place is really about it being a popularity contest to some degree, and was thinking about changing my profile up a bit. I really hate these "describe yourself" type sections. So here's the plan, I'll simply change the description for me. Perhaps it should read thusly: (cue music)

"I'm hideous and boring. You won't like me although I think you sound interesting. Please never reply to any messages I send you as you think I'm a troll. "


"I'm the loser you laughed at in school. I have no friends although some people have decided to add me nonetheless. "


"You're not going to fucking reply to me anyway so don't even bother looking at my pictures."

I mean honestly. I basically have my friends from another site adding me and a couple of folks I know in the "real world". Hell, the bloggers I comment on and read are more responsive and nicer than these folks for the most part. Although...there is a cute guy who I'm talking techno music with but he of course lives on the other side of the country and is way younger than me.

Did I mention that I hate my age? Now, I don't want you all to think that I'm all weepy teary about how old I am but I just don't actually feel like my current age. I'm sort of stuck in my 20's if you want to know the truth. Almost all my friends are younger than me. It's kinda wierd but, hey, that's life right? And another thing, I don't think I've started looking my "age" yet and I definately don't act it. So I therefore state that I will not age anymore. There, well at least that's done :)

Just felt like a little venting bout the Myspace scene because I'm also on and those folks for the most part are actually really cool and will drop you messages, add you to their friends list and really mean it, etc. Think I may just drop the whole Myspace thing...but there's the technoboy...*grin*...ah who am I foolin thinking that he's interested in more than talking music but hey, that's cool enough for me.

So maybe the new description should be this:
"Don't add me unless you honestly intend to interact with me. Don't add me and not respond to my messages. Don't just add me to increase your friends numbers cause it's just fucking shallow. You want to know to me and maybe you'll actually find someone interesting and someone you'd like to know. I've already got real friends so I don't need posers. " heheh...oh but I do tend to go off now don't I? LOL!

For my friend Violet

I just found out today that one of my customers who was a regular had died. Violet was this sweet little 79 year old woman, short and roundish who had an infectious giggle to her. She didn't really laugh but giggled. It was really cute. She'd be there every morning for her latte and we'd joke on Friday that the next day was for Cartoonies. We (the staff) found out that she had cancer around 2 months ago maybe. They had tried Chemo but it didn't do any good unfortunately. So, on this past Thursday, my little Violet passed on to something better.

I'm not as sad as I thought I was going to be to hear bout her. I knew that it was coming. We had been getting reports from the family that she was sort of fading fast. Still, I'm having a little trouble not thinking about her today. I do have a smile on my face though because..well she was just this great little lady. I'm supposed to go with my boss to her services on Tuesday. I think it's nice that the family wanted us there. I always said that the coffee shop was more like a messed up family than anything. This is the proof.

Other than that....I'll probably find something new to blog about later on. Have done almost nothing today other than go to the nursery and pick up more Whitefly traps (damn them!). So, maybe I'll find something terribly exciting to do tonight or tomorrow. But...I will return!

I'm having a's gone

Well I actually had something interesting here. I had taken one of those silly online quizzes and thought that part of it was rather acurate...but in trying to get the HTML to work properly (and no I'm still a neandrathal who doesn't know how to code HTML), something odd happened and the answers to the quiz changed and now it's not acurate at all. we are almost 1am on a Friday night when I should be out having a blast doing something crazy and fun. I do have Lime Diet Coke sitting here! Woo Hoo....yeah. Well at least it's the weekend. Sleep is something I don't think I necessarily get enough of lately.

I had something to actually talk about today, but it's been a long one. The one good thing that came from all the b.s. this week is that I am not the proud and happy owner of a two disc set of Season 1 & 2 of Danger Mouse. For those of ya that don't know who he is, try here. Now I have to make up my mind about driving down to Santa Cruz, working in my garden, watching OZ season 4, playing video games, or laughing my ass off at Danger Mouse. I'm thinking I could use the laughter :)

Shout outs to Ryan somewhere in the US and thanks for dropping by, Mike out there in West Virginia for hangin tough(hope ya know I'm pullin for ya bud. If ya need help, just holler.), Ger baby for being a sexy "texan", and Larry for being a luscious lemming. Peace everyone.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Tis all bout friends

I never noticed but I'm becoming quite prolific here. Just kinda browsed my own blog (well I was lookin to see if there were any comments) and I honestly ramble that much? How does anyone read all of this? I have to admit that I look in on probably 5 - 6 blogs daily just to see how folks are doin and what's up, but I feel like mine reads like a Tolstoy novel compared to most peoples. Hell, I thought I didn't have anything to say hehe.

So, how do you know it's time for a vacation? You almost yell at a customer in front of your entire shop because he was a rude little bitch that needed for me to give him his money back and tell him to leave. Ok, so I over reacted today. I don't know. It's these damn mood swings and partially because of my coworker today. I swear the guy is a nice guy but I just wanted to bitch slap him. I can' t even say why to tell the truth. Last time I took a vacation was last November when I went to Disneyland. Let me tell ya, I'm looking at November this year with earstness! I don't know when Doll and James are going but I'm going with if it kills everyone in my city to do so! I need a bit of fun. I need to turn into a 5 year old with my friends and run around the park with them because even though they live maybe 20 minutes away, they're usually in productions and I hardly ever get to see them.

Which brings up friends. Been doing a lot of thinking lately about friends. They're a funny thing actually. I have one that lives in England now and I have known him since the 7th grade. He and I don't email much but we exchange the odd email and birthday greetings and I can honestly feel the love from him. I got two great ladies that live in Los Angeles that I should keep in contact with more, but I'm a slug and don't email or call. (Don't kill me my lovely goddesses!) And that leads me into the world of cyberspace and the people that I meet on line. Now, my friends that I've had for years now, I adore and would do anything I could for them. And better than that, they would do the same for me. But in cyberspace, no one can hear you scream!

I keep finding myself feeling an attachment in a brotherly way to some of the folks who's blogs I read. I don't even know these people. I thought at first I was being really wierd but, you read enough of how someone is feeling/thinking, you start getting a feel for that person ya know? Some of them I want to throw my arms around in a big hug and tell them that it's going to be ok. Other folks are the friends that I want to go and cut loose with somewhere. They're the ones that I could probably let my hair down (if I had it) and got bonzo on the town with. And yeah, there are those that I think I may have a little crush on cause they're uber cute in my eyes heh. Truth be known though, I think of all these people that I have never met as friends. I have no good reason to think that, but I do. Silly? Not to me. I like them for whatever reason, hell I must otherwise I wouldn't keep reading thier blogs right? So...that's my little ranting on why you're all my friends. (whether you know it or not)

Ok....tomorrow is Friday, I have some new techno from the used record store that's pulsing right now. Don't you just love compilations? You get to hear a bunch of artists you never knew before and hope that they're all good. Course I broke down and got some old cds (The Ocean Blue and ATB's No Silence album) and all I was looking for was a group called Ozone that they didn't have. But...with peppy musica pulsing out of my speakers, I need to grab that burger I didn't eat last night and woof it the shave thing incase Ben comes back in (sigh...), and think about bed. Hope all my friends are well. And dig the picture!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

System under control

Well I'm definately feeling more myself today. I have not idea what my damage was yesterday. Bloody emotions. Sometimes I honestly think twould be easier if there was a breaker system so you could just shut a couple down when they overloaded.

My dear mother....she of the great state of Texas is after me again to friggin "come home" for Christmas. I mean come on! It's only August for fuck sake! I know that she misses me andI haven't been back for maybe 5 years but damn woman, gimme a break! Home is California now. It has been since I moved out here in 87 roughly. All my friends are out here (well with the exception of the cool folks I meet on line), my job is out here, for cryin out loud but all my STUFF is out here. What part of California is now not home?? Ah the joys of family that you just don't feel like you ever properly fit in to.

Been thinking about my brother that owes me money and how he just had a kid and how I should be emailing him and telling him congrats on being a father but ya know what? I'm petty. Not pretty but petty. I guess I'll email him tomorrow when I'm not so up in arms thanks to mom. I mean it is a big deal, really. This is their first kid and the third of a new generation for my family. I suppose I should be excited but they never call or write or email me so it's kinda hard to be all happy happy joy joy about it. Sigh...again I am the black sheep (baaa hehe). No kids coming from me as far as I know. Well, unless guys can get pregnant and someone decides to wanna date me. Still, I guess he is my brother for better or worse and I'm kinda stuck with them so I should say something to them...right?

My buddy in West Virginia....if yer reading (and I hope you know who you are) this, hang in there brother. I know that things can get tough but I'm out here pulling for you. I'll be yer own personal cheerleading squad if ya want, but you can't get me to dress in them short skirts! :) Just know that I'm thinkin bout you my friend. Offer to talk still stands.

And so...that's the excitement in my life right now. Nothing going on but the rent and the cellphone bill that I have to call and yell at them about. Speaking of yelling about things actually...where the hell is my audioblog?!?! least tomorrow is Thursday and I can dream of sleeping in soon! Woo! Yuppers I sleep in until maybe 10am on a Saturday! Boy I'm a madman hehe.

So, that's all from this end of the world. Y'all get one more little peak at me. Maybe I can take a good picture of myself....but damn I need to shave.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I honestly thought about just deleting the previous entry, but fuck that. It's me. Well, part of me. Part of the paradox that is me.

Maybe it's just that I need a mental vacation from everything. Maybe I need a real vacation (but I have to save up for that). Truth is that I did more thinking in the last two days than I have in a long time. What I cam up with is this. I'm partially an empath, and far to sympathetic for my own good. I've just been feeling things a lot more strongly over the last week or so than I normally do. It's equally good and bad. The positive is that I'm actually at a pretty happy place most days. My mood switches a little at work because I'm having issues with a coworker but hey...that's being human right?

I really do work best as a priest. That's the sad part. Actor...priest? Which am I? I have this really hard time separating, or rather encompassing these parts of me lately. Now, I have no clue why. Maybe the moon shifted phases and drifted into some odd orbit. Maybe a bird farted outside my window last week. Who knows. I just know I have been feeling more sympathy towards folks lately. Kinda freaky beacuse it does affect my mood. Ya know when you just want to reach out, grab a person and hug them to make them feel better? Well that's me about 80% of the time lately. The other 20% I can be a real rat bastard to people.

Example: At work there are a couple of customers that I found myself turning my back on. I don't mean not serving them, because I make my coworker do it, but basically walking away from. They drive me crazy and they aren't bad people. They just...need to cop a major clue. I don't know how else to put it. At work I'm becoming selfish and pigheaded that if things get moved on me, I move them back to where I feel they should be. I mean what's up with that? Usually I could care less. Maybe I should drink MORE coffee? Less? None?! (God forbid!!)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that to all of you that read this with some regularity, just bear with me for a little. Hell, who knows, maybe I'm pregnant. I hear you have massive mood swings. But I do appreciate the comments. I tend to think of the people that I read regularly as friends whether we know each other or not.

Just know I'm a moody bitch, and I love ya all especially if you can put up with my bullshit. If not..well...either you're a glutton for punishment, or... hm...dont know heh. I'll try and return you all the regularly programming already in progress.


I am a Mutant

This is how I'm seeing myself lately. Sure, it's Nightcrawler a groovy Xman but he's a mutant who has to deal with a lot of demons. I think I like this image because of all the hand reaching out, the priest's collar on Kurt, and fact that he looks so unable to help anyone of those hands.

I deleted last night's blog because, well it suddenly felt too personal. Maybe I thought it was just too lame as well. I'm just finding myself wandering a bit lost lately and I'm not sure where I'm going or what it is I'm supposed to be doing.

My friends that are pagans always have said that they saw me as a priest. Probable reason? I always try to help folks that I see having a hard time with life. Funny thing is, I have few options of where to turn when I find myself having a hard time with life. It's not that I can't call my friends, but something within me says that they aren't going to want to hear whatever it is that's bothering me, or worse, they will simply gloss over it completely. Where does the priest turn when he needs support? Well, I don't know anymore. I guess I could turn to my Dieties, and I do, but there are times when I simply don't know what to do. Maybe that's why I try and help other people out. It's so much easier to try and help someone else fix their lives.

I don't know if I'm even going to keep this up because it seems such a "downer" and a friend of mine once told me that no one wants to be around me when I'm like this. Guess that's why I hide away so much behind this screen, or in my studio when I'm dealing with heavy stuff. Behind my facades that I show the world, I don't have to hear the "what's wrong"s. Oddly though, when I turn into "priest" mode, the facades drop completely.

I know that I think too much, and usually with my heart and not with the logical side of my personality. Just about everyone I know has told me I think too much so it must be true? Well my thought right now is that if I am a mutant, or even if I feel like one, I do want to be Kurt because I could at least know that what I was doing out there in the world had some value. I'd know that I was trying to make things better for people, even if they hated me. Stupid idea huh? Still, I know that it's from my heart and not my head can that be wrong, or a bad thing?

Sunday, August 14, 2005

WICKED made me cry dammit!

So while the show is still fresh in my mind. WICKED last night was more than great (with the possible exception of the Act 2 opening song but...). Terrific actresses for the leads, Carol Kane was in the cast, and oddly enought the guy that played Steve (Marcie's first husband on Married With Children) was the wizard. Who knew that the guy could sing and dance? And they got me. I tried not to. I mean it. I tried not to cry but I felt the tears welling up when they broke into Defying Gravity and when Elphaba (the wicked witch) took to the air .... well that's all she wrote for me. So I'm sentimental, sue me. It was just this great overwhelming sense of how wonderful it all was. Now, I'm not one to cry often. I think the last time I actually cried was when I was homeless and there's a long story that I'm not feeling comfortable going into. Hell, I don't think I even cried at my dad's funeral. Think that was more that I was in shock, don't know though.

I love theatre. There really is nothing like seeing people live and onstage performing. Realizing that it took them all that time for rehearsals, costume changes (and some were really fast!), the fact that they have to display all these emotions AND sing and dance if you're in a musical. It's just amazing. Lights and costumes...I tell ya. If you're up there on the stage performing, it's slightly different. You're constantly trying to count the dance steps, realizing that you have to dash off stage and change to come back as a different character, remembering what scene is coming up next. There's a lot more interesting stuff actually backstage that is going on sometimes than up there in front of the audience. I miss it. I feel that bad little acting bug biting at me but I know that my current job pays the bills and as it gets me up Monday through Friday at around is taking the back seat unfortunately.

So I threatened the audiobloggers that I would do this if my post didn't arrive here and guess hasn't. I'm a little pissed if you want to know the truth. Why offer this service if you aren't going to actually post the voice messages like you're supposed to? I just don't know. I had actually recorded one last week and that one still hasn't shown up here on my site. I mean honestly, WTF?! So, I guess it's just not meant to be? Maybe the service hates me. I tried to email them and got nothing but messages from my email that it couldn't be delivered. I do love blogging (why I don't really know but I'm meeting some really great folks). But all I wanted was to have one little post with my own voice up here....sigh.

The weekend is over. My next play is something called Shining City which I need to look up. Actually coming up rather fast. September 13 I am back up in SF to see this at the Curran theatre which is where I took my mom to see Phantom (which I cried at...oish hehe). It was massively cool to know that I could drive up in the city with all it's trafffic problems and hills and still survive because of the new car. Hell, I feel like driving down to Los Angeles just because I can now! I kinda miss being up in SF. There are a few places I go up there and it's been so damn long since I could get up there. Of course, now that summer is drawing to a close, NOW I can drive over the hill to Santa Cruz to the beaches, to the boardwalk, etc. Well, there is always next year unless I wind up becoming rich and famous. LOL! Boy howdy do I ever crack me up.

So I think that I'm going to start working on my plays again in my spare time. There are a few that needed some work and fleshing out. I think it would be a big kick to see something I wrote actually produced and performed. Of course, I have other ideas too that I think I'll slowly work on, but just maybe I'll be lucky and have a little success. It would be nice to be able to tell my nieces and my nephew (if I ever see them) that their Uncle has had a couple of plays produced. We'll see though. In the meantime, I think I am going to play a little some pizza, and relax my way into tomorrow. (oo ack...gotta sell the Annie tickets cause I really don't wanna go to that show!) So, I'll leave ya with something I did the other night with me camera. I think it turned out rather interesting.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I got a pet!

Thanks to a friend on Myspace, I now have a pet! Well, Alfons is a virtual pet but who hasn't ever wanted to own their very own Penguin? He's a cuty. Just scroll down to the bottom of the page to say Hi to him.

I'll probably update later tonight when I get home from Wicked. Say, while you are all reading this, might I suggest reading some folks I give mad props to! How about dropping by Toronto and reading up on Craig, or checking in on my buddy in the land of hotness in Texas Ger, check up on Ryan who's on the mend, and of course there's the unstoppable Larry who actually inspired me to start this little endevour. While I'm shouting out to folks, hey there Adam, and Mike. 'S all about the love folks. I love reading you guy's sites and I know that from time to time you read this one. So.....check each other out. Oish why did that suddenly sound so dirty? These are good folks

Since it's a lovely Saturday, I'm gonna go and play video games until I have to get cleaned up for the trip up to the city and WICKED!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

She's gone daddy gone

Well it's been a hell of a day already and I have one more before I go see WICKED in my new Honda. I don't have any pictures yet but there will be some. I'm a very happy man but...before I go any further. One of the folks that I read (as much as I can when he posts), Ryan was in a car accident with his dad. Report is that he's doing ok with a broken arm and some cuts and scrapes but both he and his dad aren't really any worse off thank God. He seems like a really good kid so visit his site Boy in Atlanta over there on my roll bar so you can find out how to send him a get well email. Sides, you'll probably wind up liking his blog as much as I do.

So I drove to the DMV today with great fear of everything taking forever for me to get the title transfered. How much it was going to cost was a mystery. I had to get new plates, and I still have to call my insurance company and have the new car put on my policy. Well, believe it or not, the DMV took maybe 20 minutes total without having an appointment! And how much was this grande endevour? Only a mere $56, so I feel pretty justified in being extremely happy. I even let out a little bit of my Texas blood as I drove home for the last time in my Toyota. I gave a good "Yeeee-ha!" as I sped down the road.

She was a good companion for the past five years. She took me everywhere, and when she started getting uppity, I did what I could to make her run better. She was my home for a while literally. She kept me safe when I drove her, froze my ass because the heater wasn't the greatest, but kept me getting to work on time. Now it's time to retire her. I'm going to sell my baby to a friend that needs her more than I do right now. This is what she looks like courtesy of several cans of spray paint.
Purple and Green...Mardis Gras colors. She's a 78, an old lady but I had my friends inside and out.

I love my superheros who will be following me to my newer car. I definately will be taking the skull shifter nob! But that radio...that 1970's radio. That stays! The new Honda actually has a cd changer in it. I can have 10 discs of whatever I want to listen to rather than having an ancient radio where I had three presets for FM only. Of course the down side is that I need to connect the radio in the new Honda. I've gotten rather addicted to NPR in the afternoon and evening drivings. Keeps me up to date with what's going on somewhat and since I don't read the papers or watch the Tv news....I need someone to tell me what the hell is going on out there in the world. The Mardis Gras beads are coming too. Those I caught at the 2001 Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Sure I have more of them....a hell of a lot more...but those seems to really need to be with me in the car. Good ju-ju factor.

I'm starting to feel like I have a new lease on life sort of. I'm free again. My baby there kept me around town mostly. I couldn't go extremely far, couldn't go up to SF because of the hills and her brakes (and lack of a parking brake), or over to Santa Cruz because highway 17 is a death trap to begin with and in my Toyota? No friggin way! It is going to be really wierd tomorrow though. Sure I drove the new Green Bomber tonight, but I know that old habits die hard and I'm possibly going to get into my Toyota out of default. Na..probably not but it would be something I would do heh. Now, if I can just get all my finances fixed up as easily as I got this car....I'm gonna be so golden that the sun will cry!

Get Well Ryan! And be safe all my other friends. Ya may not know me from Adam (Hi Adam hehe), but in my mind, you're all future and potential friends....if not friends already.


Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Yeah me

So I sat here thinking about what to blog about, and should I? Well why not says I. I'm almost 24 hours away from having a newer car to drive. Still some annoying paperwork to go through at the DMV but hey....I'm about to drive a car that A: Doesn't have a leaking roof, and B: is 15 years younger than my current car. Pretty dern exciting and all thanks to my friend Hawley who bought a new car.

New cars hmmmm....I don't think I really want a brand new car. Why? Because you can't really work on them anymore. Now I'm not a car whiz. Matter of fact, unless I have someone there I would probably just look at the engine and say "Welp...there ya go". Still the idea that there are so many computerized parts now in the engine kinda creeps me out. I remember my dad working on all our cars we had from when I was little kid up through the last years of my life. He understood engines and could do just about anything. Hell, we almost fixed my head gasket until we realized we had to pull the entire engine out to get to it (it was a Subaru by the way). I'd like to think that I could work on my own car should I need to. Something satisfying about putting your hands into something like that, and who cares about the grease and mess. You save money too. Sigh...maybe that should be my next class if I take more college classes again. Auto repair 101.

Tis my boss's birthday tomorrow and my mom's as well. I haven't got shite for mom and I gave a card to my boss. Well, the card was the gift. Me and my bud Aaron are taking my boss to see a performance of Cirque Du Soliel when they come around. Tickets are a bit pricey but my boss is worth it. The guy is actually the best guy I have ever worked for. This brings us back to the family issue now don't it? Mom got the short end again. I did email her and I'll call her tomorrow but it always seems that there are a million things going on for me and I don't get the damn card out in the mail in time and before I know's her Birthday. She deserves better than just a card or a phone call, but now with the car is tighter. Starting to wonder what I may have to cut back on to make payments to Hawley for the car, and save for Disneyland, and save for my half of our tickets. Money makes you stupid. My mom makes me crazy....but I love her.

Ya know, I have love on the brain. Rather I have relationships on the brain I think. Everything I write here seems to come back to love or boyfriends or whatever lately. I wish I knew why it's hitting me now. It seems silly actually because when I go through my life day to day I hardly think about it. It's only when my body and mind are calm, and it's getting to where I'm relaxed that I do think about it. Then it hits me and goes away, then hits me again, then goes away. Psychology was never my strong point, but I swear I'm giving myself a complex heh.

Almost the weekend too. Two more days. One day at the DMV, and one for the insurance, and then finally WICKED! I feel like I deserve it now. I did the 6 weeks of writing plays and working on things furiously at times, and didn't go out much. It's only lately that I've been getting out at all it seems. I know that's not true but that's what it feels like. I guess I'm just ready for some fun in my life again. Theatre...I miss ya. I miss being on your stages, with the lights and the makeup, the feeling of the audience out there, even the constant repition that you sometimes have to go through for very little money or glory. I miss ya honey and this season I'm coming to you. I think I'm starting to feel like I have a dream again that I can maybe this time finally persue.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


I've changed my profile's image because I'm feeling bad about the way I currently look. I don't think I take many good pictures if any at all lately. When I was in costume and makeup for the photoshoot I did for a friend's band, I was all spooky gothy and I thought I looked cool. When I look at what I had up previous to this one, I thought I looked...well not so hot. It's a manipulated image of some of my snapdragons from my yard.

I sometimes think that I got the short end of the stick in my family. I have two older brothers and they both have all their hair. I started losing mine (rather it started receeding) around my freshman year of college. I miss my hair. May sound silly because none of you ever saw me with a full head of hair but, I think I was actually rather good looking back then. Now days, i shave down, I grow a goatee or beard because I'm bored of my appearence. I can't do the mustache because it just looks wrong. I tried...honestly, I did but I hated it. Tried a pencil thin mustache and it was just too much bother to shave. I think I accidentally cut part of it off because you have to shave down to it and if you go too far...well you get the idea.

My brothers are both married now. I'm the last of my family not to have a marraige liscence, or to have anyone that wants to marry me, or to have any that is remotely interested romantically in me *grumbling and rolling my eyes*. Now on this day, my mom calls me and informs me I am an uncle for the third time. I should be happy about this but, it just somewhat bothers me. Both my brothers now have kids. I apparently will be the old maid with the thousand cats in the house. If I am though, I hope that I am the successful playwrite/actor old maid with the thousand cats in the house. I guess there's trade offs when it comes down to it.

I just keep wondering what my brothers think of me. We don't really talk. They talk to one another apparently. Ok, big deal, we're not close. mom is going to be 70 next year. That's rough man. She's got the grandkids that she always wanted (two girls now and one boy), but I'll never be able to give her that. Makes me wonder what she thinks of me although she's constantly badgering me to "come home. When are you moving back home? etc". Well I am home. I made my life here, there's really nothing there back "home" for me. I can't be what they want me to be and I really wonder sometimes if I wasn't adopted or something even wierder. It does bother me to think though, that they have no concept of what ME is. And I don't think that they really want to. So what..big deal. Let them think what they will about me. Truth is I know who I am and what I am and I'm rather proud of me for getting through all I have so far.

Short end of the stick means that I'm not like the rest of my family. I don't really fit in with my mom and brothers, so where does that leave me? That leaves me with the greatest and ultimate in my Still plan one day to go back to theatre and take the world by storm, or maybe write that best selling book, or pulitzer winning play. My own personal stamp on the world that states:

I was, and this is what I was.

Best of all, my friends will be there with me.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Tra-la-la-la...I'm a happyish man

Well well well....just took a look at my online class and the prof liked my final play. I'm so happy I could spit blue fire from my eyes! This one was actually rather difficult for me to write. I was going into it with the intention of writing a horror play (because no one really writes them anymore) and I guess I succeeded. She thought it was "creepy", which to me is a good mark! Haven't gotten our final grades yet but so far everything I turned in received the maximum amount of points she could allocate. Looks like I have my first A in several years.

So, I had this idea this afternoon to blog about a different site. I was going to call this, "How to feel like loser in one easy lesson", but after reading my teacher's comments I'm a bit elated. The fact was this, I signed up for a Myspace account. Ok...I thought I could meet some more interesting people and who knows, maybe meet a nice guy right? So, I have so far sent out maybe 4-6 messages to different people and have heard....nothing. Wanna talk about not feelin good about yourself? It's stupid I know but, you think that if you are simply yourself that people would hopefully at least write you back. Not a word from any of them. I feel like I'm a freshman all over again, or worse, back in the 7th grade where I was the fat kid that the 8th graders picked on. (and yes I was actually rather rotund although I don't have any pictures of me from then thank god)

So what is it about we humans that makes us want the acceptance of others? Is it our egos? Mine is pretty bruised up over the years and I thought I had built the calluses to gaurd me but apparently not. Rejection, or worse, lack of a reply is still pretty harsh. We want to be wanted it seems. Why? I guess that's all retorical because I doubt there is a real answer for it all. Just really made me think about this all.

On the more upbeat note though, I'm done with class, my work was praised, I'm going to see Wicked on Saturday, I'll have a newer car soon, and the folks that leave comments here (most of who I should comment on their sites more) are really nice folks. I would say what more could I ask for in reguards to this wierd "online" community, but I know deep down it's *whispering* a boyfriend. For lack of that particular man...I got my friends, and they are amazing and keep me knowing that someone out there at least cares enough to read this silly place. The ones I know off line keep me in the knowledge that I am loved for who I am, not what I look like or how much money I make. Now that IS enough.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

School is officially OUT!

It's done. Over. Finished! I never thought I would be back in school when I left the University I had attended. I thought I was through with it because it seemed to hate me, and I hated it right back. I'd even spit in it's eye if I could. This online class though really pushed me, and for once I liked it. It felt good to have a deadline to be up against again. Most of my life is spent knowing what I have to accomplish and it's not that much. Deadlines to me were merely making sure I had my orders ready so when the vendor called I didn't have to run around. I think I'm going to miss this a bit, but I'm sure after a small break, I'll be back at writing again.

Well it's official that I will soon be driving a Honda instead of my little 78 Toyota. I'm gonna miss the old gal. If I never told this story, here's how I got the car....
Almost 5 years ago, I was homeless, my car had be reposessed and I was a miserable man living in the attic crawlspace of the shop I work at. An Irish couple who were customers were moving back to Ireland and wanted to know if I wanted their car. Well, I wasn't picky at all and told them I couldn't afford to buy a they gave it to me. Five years of fighting with it, spray painting it because I couldn't stand the color, pumping cash into it when the breaks went..and the head gasket..and now she's going to be out of my life. I've thought about what I'm going to do with her. I was thinking donating her to a school that has an automotive class, but I think I want to pass her down to someone that really needs a car. There has to be someone out there that could use a car that runs (and doesn't actually take a lot of upkeep), who would love her and take care of her until she just stops running anymore. Here's what my baby looks like currently. Please note the Captain America on her window! The delicate colors of purple and green. Ah me, that took a long time and a lot of frigging spray paint. I know I'm going to miss her so I think I'll take some newer pictures of her to upload before she's gone.

Another week begins for me. This time though, there's nothing to be done at night, or in the afternoon except the typical day to day bullshit I usually go through. I think I shall spend tomorrow night by playing as much as I can on some game....any game...or just chatting on the computer until my eyes buldge out and I have to tell people "Hey, I gotta get up and go to work so I gotta go folks." and hate having to end the conversations. Yeah, life is going to feel a bit strange with nothing to write, so I'll probably try and find more interesting stories to throw your way, or maybe I'll just ramble through my own mind a little bit more.

And hey...what do ya say about my flashy bling bling fashion sense? Anyone but me still like listening to the band LIVE? Ah well...I suppose not.

It is finished...almost

Jeezo Mary, Joseph and Jesus! My eyes feel like they're going to pop out of my head right now. My brain hurts and my head is pounding, but, I finished my final play for my class. Almost eight hours of writing, rewriting, twiddling with the whole thing but it's done done done! (and I like it I must say) Now just two more smaller writing assignments and the whole class is over. Where the hell did the last month or so go anyways?

I think it's time for a break for me. I need to get away somewhere but I don't know where and I don't really have the cash for it so.... Speaking of cash, I may finally be able to get a newer car. This is something sorely needed by me cause I drive a 78 Toyota and while they are reliable, I'm not sure how long she really has. My friend Hawley got herself a new car, so her old one is up for grabs, and if her boyfriend doesn't take it (I would then buy his car), I'm gonna buy it off her. Nice thing is I know exactly the history of the car and I can pay her in installments. Either way, sooner than later I'm gonna be driving a newer model car! WOO!

So I thought I would show you what happens when you let a "little" plant have it's way in your yard. This little guy is called a "Hearts Lie Bleeding" plant. That's him sitting pretty in a pot. Cute isn't he? Well, there were a lot of them and transplanted some into the ground a few months ago. The next picture was taken by me holding the camera at arms length from me trying to get the proper shot here but I remind you...I am 6' 4" which makes what is behind me around 5' or so. That's the perspective shot. Geeze I'm all photogenic heheh. So I planted them thinking they were gonna stay small like the cute little guy on our left. And low and behold, they seem to have taken a great liking to where I planted them because if you look at the next picture closely, you'll see the little Zinia and Yellow Snapdragon plants. Here's what these crazy Hearts Lie Bleeding decided to up and do to me.

You can see that they're reaching up to my fence for cryin out loud! I love these guys cause they really are beautiful and I don't want to cut them back but..I'm scared I'm gonna wake up some night and they're going to be wandering in here looking for a beer or something! I do love my garden though. Gives me something to take care of, something to care about.

I have one week until I get to go and see my first Best of Broadway show Wicked, which I have been looking forward to for what seems like a year now. One little week and next Saturday night I will be eating dinner up in San Fran and seeing a broadway musical! Woo hoo! Better than that...I won't have any writing to do unless I feel like it! No more deadlines! WOOOOOO! Toronto Blue Jays skunked the NY Yankees by three tonight! Ok, I think I'm a little giddy about having this silly play finished.

Troublesome that it is now 12:34 (don't ya love sequential numbers?) and I'm about to eat my sandwich and think about bed. Normally, I would watch a little movie...which I may do anyway, but I can't believe that I'm still this wide awake. Probably all that damn diet coke I drank. Hmm...maybe tomorrow I'll start a new play. Hehehe....boy I crack me up!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Poetry and emotion

I want to say so much that isn't allowed.
I've written poetry about it,
songs that I sing only to myself,
and all in the silence of my head.

There are times that I think things wouldn't have been so great if he and I had actually become a real couple. Things could have turned out a whole lot worse than they did. Doesn't mean that I stop caring and loving him though. Doesn't mean that I still sometimes wish that I could just be wrapped in his arms. Just wasn't meant to happen is the problem.

I'm sure that's all very cryptic, but it was sort of for me, and maybe you can see yourself in what I wrote somewhere. I read maybe 4-5 blogs daily, or at least check them. Seems that most people want the whole love thing to happen to them to. If not, then they seems to put a good front up saying that they dont, but I think everyone secretly wants more than anything else to be in love. Some of us just haven't had the chances to fall in love and have it returned. Nothing worse than falling for someone that you can never have, or who doesn't want you. But unfortunately, it's sort of a fact of life. Sucks..but it's a fact of life.

I went to see Harold and Maude : The Musical tonight. It's absolutely brilliant. If you haven't seen the film, go see that cause I think you're going to be hard pressed to see this musical produced very often. Great songs and I fell madly for the guy playing Harold. It was funny, and touching and did everything great that theatre should do for you. Unfortunately it made me want to be in love again. Sitting here now it reminds me that I'm alone when I come home at the end of a day. Not that being alone is a horrible thing, but I do wish there was someone I could call who was waiting up for me if for nothing else, just to say goodnight to.

God I have tons of work to do before Sunday night and I'm sitting here blogging. What the hell is wrong with me? heheh Funny how reading someone else's blog sometimes make me feel better, like I'm not the only one that feels a particular way, or thinks outside the realms of societies dictation. It's like checking up on a friend, even if I've never met them and probably never will. Just people that I enjoy reading about their lives. Of course this begs the question of "is that wierd?", but I know I'm not the most normal guy.

I feel rather rambly, but right now my mind keeps coming back to love. I'm a romantic at heart I guess. I tend to give out my heart a bit too quickly, but here's the real kicker on doesn't mean that I'm in love with that person. Think that folks have a wierd sense of the phrases "love" and "in love" and they can't separate them. Say "I love you" to someone and they probably think that you mean "I am in love with you" when all you're trying to say is "I care a great deal about you and feel fondly towards you. You're important to me." Funny how semantics work isn't it? So I tend not to say those three little words much. If I do, I mean them.

Ah love. My best friend and my worst enemy. What I dream about, and what I fear sometimes. I guess that's my constant in this universe...the concept of love, and being in love, and feeling loved....but hell, who doesn't think of all that shit?

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Just about there..maybe

Two in one day huh? Wow...I don't know if this is good or bad heh. Well, here's what I'm feeling like lately. Just a little look into the brain of a man who isn't sure where exactly his play is going. Yup, that's really me. Couldn't you tell from the glasses? Sheesh :)

So I finally got it started and it's already 6 pages. Good huh? Well, I'm not sure. It seems that it's a lot of set up for 6 pages of play. I managed to pull off a 10 page play with four characters and it had a decent beginning, middle and ending. This is just rambling. I guess that's what I get for starting so late though. I sort of know where the story is going but only roughly and I'm scared it's not going to be done by Sunday's deadline. I mean, this is my final play for the class! I have to go out with a bang because everything else so far has gotten A's. This has to be even better dammit. I need to find where to trim it. I don't really have time to start a new one and have it in shape. Plus, I'm not sure what else to write at this point. That's the aggrivating part.

If any of you were following the Zach (he actually spells it with an H...go figure) story from a previous post of mine, I got an email saying there was a new post. Well the boy is home and all I can say is...I'm glad for him. We'll see if he replies to my email, but he seems to be doing alright which is all you can ask for. I think he just wants to be left alone though. Apparently the media exposure sort of pissed him off. Let's face it, would you want to be dragged into the spotlight and basically outted to everyone you knew? The kid is what..16? I feel for him because in his post he basically said that being gay wasn't all there was to being him and I can feel that completely. Hell, I actually hardly think about the fact that I'm gay.

There seems to be a wierd sector that being gay means reading the latest gay mag/book, listening to the latest gay icon music artist, wearing your hair in the "do" of the week, wearing specific clothing etc....well it's all just too damn much. How the hell do you manage to maintain your own personality if you are trying to keep up with all that? I know I couldn't! Hell, I like to dress all gothy and go dance to darkwave, but I know I'm carrying my own goth fashion sense with me. That's what make us really cool as people...everyone is different if only slightly in some aspects. I guess I just get slightly upset when people seem to think of themselves as gay before they think of themselves as an individual.

Ok....well enough of my soapbox. Y'all don't wanna hear that now do ya? So instead I think I'll be sneaky and see if you're really paying attention. So this is a little Tag on Larry, Ryan, Andy and Ger. Three questions only but it's all about you groovy kids :)

You are allowed to communicate with one spirit (eg.dead relative, celebrity etc). Who do you pick, why, and what would ask them?

If you could change one event in your life with no reprocussions to the time line (events that transpire because of that event), would you and why?

You are allowed to become one animal. What animal would you be? (yes you can transform back and mythological creatures are ok answers)

And that's it folks:)

The rambling days of the past

Well...a lot has happened this past week and it's only Wenesday! I guess it started with Monday and my friend Naomi's one day appearance in town. I haven't seen her in 10 years and I was rather nervous about seeing her again but the moment I laid eyes on her...I knew everything was just the same and was fine. We spent a lovely afternoon taking in a leasurely lunch (something I never eat), chatting up a storm and winding over at my coffee shop. Then, I took her to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because it had just opened in England I knew she had to see it. Did I mention that she comes from England and that's why I never see her?? Well, then there was dinner and the parting. I wish she had a bit more time here but she was down only for a wedding so had very little time. I love that crazy British broad :)

Tuesday and the surprise was how devistated I felt at seeing and talking with Ben at the shop. He and his boyfriend had just gotten back from Disneyland. Ah....Disneyland....I shall be there in a few months! But what kinda brought me down was that I wanted to tell him everything I had been thinking about him. I wanted to tell him how I had this crush on him. I...realized it was useless and ridiculous for me to do any of that. Guess it just sort of sunk in that again, I was alone and this one time posibility was now forever dismissed. At least for a while I had a chance to dream about someone again ya know? Dreams just don't dissipate easily for me. So, I let myself feel bad about that yesterday. I guess I was just too tired to care about putting up any kind of "face" after a while. I know I got extremely quiet (what I do when upset) and then just bolted after work. Rented some horrendous movies that aren't worth the price of the dvd they're on...and napped. Hopefully my Netflix are in my mailbox so I can expunge the horrid taste from my mind of the other films with something I actually know I might like.

So that brings us up to today. The shop I work for was robbed...again. Second time in the past 6 months. Everything looked normal when I got there this morning. The alarm was set, etc. When I went to make sure that I had a reg. drawer for the bills. All the bills were taken, none of the coins, the laptop of my boss was still there. Some fucker had take just the cold hard cash. So, I got the fun of calling my boss around 7 and telling him, calling the police and filing a report with them, and working my regular shift after making a new drawer for today. I have my idea of what may have happened but the long and short is that my boss is out some more money. Fucking sucks! I swear if I find out it was an employee I'm going to go postal. My boss is one of the greatest people I have ever worked for and he doesn't deserve this dammit! Just pisses me off.

My weekend? Well, I watched all of OZ season 3. That's it. I should have been working on my play for class seeing as it's due this week and it's the final play...but no. I took the weekend to be a slug. I have no idea what to write about either. Kinda cutting it close with only 5 days to write the show. I have some ideas bugging around in my brain but I just haven't started yet. That's the hardest part for me lately. I thought about writing something in the vein of a horror play but I can't find stuff that frightens me. (I'm a tough guy to scare basically) I thought about writing about my family but I can't find the interesting story. Oh there's drama...but where's the interesting story? I even thought about writing a play about the homeless seeing as I was one of them for over a year. I just don't know. I think I may have come down with a slight case of...depression. Just general meloncholy really. Maybe it's all been just too much work and not enough fun in my life lately.

I hate bitching on here. That's why I stopped writing my Live Journal a long time back. I was just venting my spleen over there and ... scared that I'm doing that here. The problem is though, it's me. It's where I am lately headspace wise and life wise. I know I'll feel better soon because I always do. Guess it's just a reminder that you have to go through the crap to come out with a rose blossom eh? What I could do with is a vacation though...or just a break in my routine. Ah Sir Toby Belch said, "It's all one."