Monday, January 30, 2006

Dear God is Monday over yet?

Again, I hate audioblogger. I bloody well took the time to find a site to translate something into French so I could read it for my friend Philly and...again... POOF. Sigh.

Unfortunately that is about all I can think of to blog about tonight because my head is filled with ramblings. Today was such a Monday on my friggin brain for some reason. It wasn't a bad day perse, but turned into a bit of ... ?? Just the afternoon wasn't so swell I guess. Now, after taking the time to figure out a few pronouciations in French, and spending the time to record it a couple of time because of fubar mistakes on my part, there is no posting...which is why I am posting.

Ack, I need to heat up my soup, eat and go to bed. At least the world here is quiet for once. The neighbors must have decided to be polite to me tonight for whatever reasons. So want to move to a better place with better insulation and walls that I can't hear their Tvs through. Then again, I wonder what they must think of my Tv when it spouts out foriegn films followed by horror films (resplindant with screams) followed by documentaries. Ah, let's not forget those gay movies I've gotten from Netflix eh? (not that kinda you dirty naught people hehe) Well, tonight I almost have the nerve to just say F' em. I pay my dosh for this place, I shouldn't have to care that much about the neighbors and what they thing....but I do, so I'm quiet.

Right...time for some tomato soup to heat up my cold withering little frame, and then possibly some Polyphonic Spree to try and thaw out my wretched little heart....and maybe sooth my aching brain.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

A tag from SteveO

Lifted from everybody's favorite Naked Boy and also seen at Spider's:The rules are as follows:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences (#5, 6 & 7) on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab what is closest. No cheating.

"Starspun fae of the North, East, South, and West Thank you for your blessings. Blessed Be!"
Then pick up your flowers from your Faery Ring and toss them here and there. Pick up all your trash and leave the Picnic site as undesturbed and natural as possible.
- Faery Magik by Sirona Knight

Ok, so I haven't started writing Dr. Shadow's biography yet but I've been working here at home on the lines. Unfortunately it wouldn't make any sense if I left an audioblog showing ya what I'm trying to do with the character because part of it also has to do with my stance, how I hold myself bodily, facial expressions, etc. If ya thought that acting was just getting up there and saying words.....ah hell no. To me, it's an all encompassing act.

If you stand placing your weight on your left foot, and put your hands on your hips (go ahead...try it), you'll feel differently than if you stand straight backed with your hands behind your back. It's those little things that help me bring a character to life. How he moves and how he holds himself says a lot about a person in general ya know? (not to mention I have added my own little character quirks to Dr. Shadow) So, just for fun...try standing different ways and see how they make you feel. Put your chest out, push your belly out, try and walk with your hands in your pockets. Ok...heh...enough acting lessons for one day :)

Yesterday was a blur. Another weekend gone but I did get to go out with my friend/brother Desi last night for some dinner and just general hanging out. Apparently we were the only two at the coffee shop (well within the realms of my fellow employees) that liked the band last night. Sigh. Then it was off to drop off Desi and back home. Even after 2 cups of coffee, I was feeling a bit sleepy. I think it was the lamb that did it to me actually. But, instead of playing videogames, I got to chat with Rey and I feel slightly bad because I was snickering whilest watching What's Up Doc with the sound turned off. (And yes Rey, I was paying attention and actually am thinking about trying to write a short story revolving around an old folks home) Then a little Polyphonic Spree in the ol' earphones and I was out like a light.

I should be cleaning here today. What I feel like doing is going to the mall because Desi told me that they are having a clearance at Hot Topics (ok...laugh if you want but it's the only place to find gothy-ish clothing damnit!). Why is it that when I'm trying to save money people always have the sales?! Is this some odd unwritten law of the universe just to mess with all of us? Hm...

So there you have it. My most exciting weekend (not). Three weeks and I'm shooting the video. Three weeks and I am heading up to to SF to see my husband (although he still doesn't know we're married) Anthony Rapp do a signing at a bookstore. Three weeks and it's the most dreaded day I know if outside of my own birthday.....Valentine's Day (grrrr) And, I just found out from my boss that sometime in February Gilbert Godfrie (sp??) is going to be up in SF doing a comedy show...I am SO there!

So, while it may be a bad idea, I think I'm going to turn on one of my games for a little bit before doing anything because...well just because I got more than 8 hours of sleep last night and it's made me tired. (does anyone else get that? Getting more sleep than you're used to and you wake up all wonky in the brain and tired?) Ah well....

Friday, January 27, 2006

At last...the weekend

Ack. I'm lame. I meant to post the last couple of days. Last couple of days have been a bit odd in terms of me getting to bed on time and what I was doing during the evenings and before I knew was bed time. Last night it was chatting with Rey (and thank ya buddy cause you always seem to make me feel better bout myself). What's worse is that I had something to write about and time just slipped away. Such as tonight. I got to talk with my little brother Ryan on the phone tonight. He always gets me laughing and I think that's another thing I really needed lately too. Good to know I have such great people in my life :) (And that goes for the rest of you as well!)

So, I may or may not be writing much in the coming weeks. I have roughly 3 weeks before we shoot the video I'm going to be invovled with. That means I have 3 weeks to learn my lines, figure out everything I can about my character (Dr. Shadow...hehe...god love the scriptwriters) and really prepare myself for this. So, I thought that what might be interesting to do here is to start writing the autobiography of Dr. Shadow. Not sure if I'm going to but if I don't, I know I'll just write it somewhere else. I mean, shit, it's going to be a 15 minute film probably. Not like I'm going to be playin Shakespeare or a historic character or anything, but I want to give it 150% ya know? Hell, I'm just honored that the band wanted me to do this for cryin' out loud.

Well, that's the plan Stan. That's my scene jelly bean. That's the downlow on this hipster's slipster. But...for tonight, I think I'm just gonna chill out a bit cause I'm waaaaay sleepy right now. I have the better part of the weekend to work on it and I know what I'll be reading over breakfast tomorrow.

Just wanted to say thank to you all by the way. You're support and kindness means a lot, and people don't say thank you enough when it comes right down to it. I'm really bad lately at commenting and emailing folks but just know you're all in my heart and my thoughts. Camilla...get well soon :) Joey...get better soon (but still make him do your laundry hehe) Atari..I hope that you start posting again sometime soon cause I really dig the site. (hm...wonder if he reads this site heh) And Secret Simon...even if you don't read this, your artwork is absolutely gorgeous.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Thumbsucking and life

I have this routine. I get off work on Tuesdays and generally head over to the video store because on Tuesday the new releases come out (same with cds). Then I hie myself home and watch one of the three (yes I always get three don't ask why because I don't know). Today was no different really. Roman Polanski's Oliver Twist came out today as did The Aristocrats (lots of comedians telling the same dirty joke) but the one I really wanted was Thumbsucker. I had heard about it and really really wanted to see it although I didn't know much about it. Now I'm glad that I did. Matter of fact it's going on my top 100 list of movies. I'll let you read the description yourself but I definately think that it's a great movie.

The movie made me do a bit of thinking. Yup, you guessed it, time to peak inside my brain again and see what's going on and ya know what? I'm not sure it's all that pretty but here we go nonetheless....

I want to thank my parents for something. They taught me how to pretend really well. Mom taught me that you can just gloss over anything, pretend it isn't there, it doesn't happen. She showed me how you pretend that everything is fine and happy, even when you're not. Maybe if you try and pretend hard enough and try and make it all sunshine and roses....but ya know it won't be that way so you just gloss over it and still pretend.

My dad? He taught me how to be a man. Yup. Men don't talk about certain things, unless they are among friends. Men don't show the pain that builds up and eats away at you until it gets to critical mass. Men get up and go to work pretending that it means something somwhere if you work hard and you'll supposedly get ahead in life. You pretend to have a life, although you do nothing more than work and come home to Tv. Being a man is about taking your lumps and keeping silent about it, and all those secret things that you have in your head? Well, let's just pretend that they are, or aren't there....but only in private.

See, I'm an entertainer at heart. I can switch before your very eyes into someone completely different if I want and part of me thinks that it was a coping mechanism. From 6th grade until my 10th grade year, I was the "fat geeky kid". Being from a family of pretenders, I was told that I could come to them with anything...yeah right. They wouldn't have known how to handle what I was thinking and going through. I liked the attention when I made folks laugh. I hated the attention when I was getting picked on and didn't know how to defend myself. Finally, I found theatre and things began to be a bit better for me but that wasn't until I was in 10th grade. At that point, all that I had seen between my parents just showed me how different I was from them and guess what....I became the pretender son.

I have no idea where life is supposed to be going for me, only where I want it to be and what I would like to be doing. I have no clue how to get there. I also don't do well in social situations where I don't know anyone very well. I became The Shadow early on, yes indeed I did. I can be the fly on the wall who hears a lot but never says a word. Conversely, I can try and be the life of the party, only inside I'm scared shitless and petrified of what other people are thinking of me and how I look.

I'm starting to think that all this "pretending" has very little to do with acting. It's about finding out who I am and how can I cope with things beyond my capabilities. And what spurred all of this? Thumbsucker. That is the reason why I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to make movies, or perform in a play, that would affect someone on this level. I haven't given up hope completely yet, but there is a large portion of me that is simply pretending that it would be nice if it happened. The other portion of me is out there looking to see where I am.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Let the whirring begin

I should be in bed. I should be asleep. I should be doing a lot of things and instead, I'm here thinking again...outloud...on the somewhat written page...or computer screen.

See, I think part of the reason I haven't just stopped blogging all together is that I use this sometimes as my sounding board, my best ventilation system if you will. And I have to admit that I do sometimes censor myself. Why? Well, I'm not entirely sure anyone always wants to hear what's going down in my head. Sometimes I don't get it, sometimes it's just too damn dark, and sometimes it's just too personal ya know? One thing I do know is this, I want an off switch at time for my brain.

Instead of going into all of what's rattling my cage right now, it's enough to say that I really need to stop talking and start walking. I mean we're already past the middle of the month here and I am no where closer to having looked for a better job yet. So, maybe I can just put this out there so I remember this as well. What is it that I want?

I want a job where I don't have to be up at the ass crack of dawn, or going in at the beginning of the night shift. I want regular hours and 40 of them a week with benefits to boot!

I want to make more than I'm currently making. This may be a sticky point but, it's what I want.

I want to be able to be creative at work. I work well with the public in general. I like entertaining folks and chatting with them. Hell, I even enjoy chatting with some of my vendors (although it's not like I'm looking to hang out with them). I guess I just get along well (for the most part) with people.

So....anyone have any suggestions? I'm not joking here folks. I don't know how to write a resume to save my life (other than for acting) so I'm sort of scared about all of this. It would be a major shift in my life but I think it's one I need to make because, while this one's not really giving me what I want anymore.

Hell...maybe I just need that vacation I keep talking about. My friend J better cough up the dosh like he said he would at the end of the month. I won't be destitute if he doesn't, but it would make my life a little easier. Also would make it possible to actually get the flock out of here for a while and go somewhere. That is, if I could get over myself and allow myself to go out and just have fun for cryin out loud. AHHHHHHH! I could so use a new brain :)

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Well, you can see there are some changes going on here. Of course, not being the smart one, I have forgotten how to change my background image....lost my list of groovenics that I read (now if I can get the damn blogroller to work maybe it's not all in vain!).

More to come, I'm sure...sigh :)

AH HA! Well, maybe I'm a smatter bear than I had originally thought. Granted took the grey cells a little foodage to get them moving properly, but hey...I got the site looking maybe 80% like I want it to. I really need to learn me some HTML and JAVA and PEARL and all those other languages they weren't teaching at my school heh.

Well the weekend is over. Sigh...another bites the dust and I fiddle-farted with this site for long enough today to actually consider it a working day. Work tomorrow but it's going to be a bit odd. I'm working with my boss tomorrow. I haven't worked with him in ages! Nice thing is that I get to keep all the tips when I work with him so...let us hope that people tip well tomorrow.

I do have a couple of things on my mind but mucking about with this has made my brain hurt so I'm going to go and email a couple of people and head to bed.

I'm still not satisfied yet with this site...but it's getting there :)

Saturday, January 21, 2006's the weekend

I had something to write about but it's escaped my mind. I think actually it just drizzled out of my ear sometime earlier tonight when I went to try and find a new book to read. Seeing as I have a lot books here at my studio that I haven't read, of course I needed to hit the bookstores to see what I could find to read! Alas, alack, there were none to be found that I actually wanted. (sigh)

Well it seems I have peaked some interested over this crush I have (and it's only a slight one at that), but like anyone I have ever had a crush on...I prefer to keep it on the downlow for the moment. Just surfice to say that I think he's the cat's meow, and would love nothing more than to cuddle up with him to watch a movie on a comfy couch. And that's all I'm gonna say bout dat for the time being :)

M3 didn't show up Friday. I'm starting to wonder if he hadn't just randomly dropped into the shop last week and doesn't even live in my town. I kept hoping that he'd show up again, but, maybe this week? Hell, Ben has been dropping in again lately and I have to pat myself on the back because maybe I'm actually "over" him. We chatted briefly and joked around a bit so...who knows. I'd still like to just go out and do something (and not in that way thank you) with him, but that's up to him and not to me apparently. Sides, he's supposed to be moving to San Fran sometime.

Last night was the videogame night. I thought I was just going to play for a little but when I turned everything off....3 hours later! was around 1am and I was ready for a little quiet time with my earphones and my cd player. That's what I love about the weekends. I can listen to music as loud as I want going to sleep (yes I actually can fall asleep with earphones on) and not disturb anyone. Kinda blots out the world at large to tell the truth.

Oish, getting late here and I have to reread the script for Atomic Mint's video. I'm meeting tomorrow morning with the director (who happens to be a customer and is developing into a pretty cool friend) to talk about stuff. Hm...maybe if I just played 20 minutes of We Love Katamari?

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Slightly comatose from a lovely night

Ah...mes amis. My friends I have just finished a lovely evening with the Bs, dining in high style (in my opinion) on some of the finest Italian food I could have imagined. (Philly get back here so we can go because you know where of I speak!) And now, stuffed to the gills with good food, good espresso, and a nice evening watching a bit of Lillith Faire at the B's....I'm nackered.

The M3 (also known as Mysterious Mr. Mocha) did not return today. I still live in hope though. Even if it was a chance meeting and he never returns, he was inspiration that I will not be single all my life as my gloomy little gothy heart sometimes thinks. Now it would be lovely if he shows back up tomorrow, or Monday, or sometime in the future in general. I'm not hedging any bets that he is "the one", but something says to take the chance with this one should he return and that's exactly what I plan to do.

My buddy Rey apparently called me last night whilest I was deep in slumberland because I didn't even know about it until I read his blog! (sorry bud but my screen goes blank so I didn't know I had a call) And this points me to this pondering for the last couple of days. I am expecting to be paid back by a friend that owes me a bit o' the dosh and I want to take that long awaited vacation. One plan is to go and see a friend of mine that opened a resteraunt in Savahna, but I also want to get around to meeting some of you fine folks out there in the (sorry Camilla and M'lady but it's not going to be that much money) US. So....if you were going to take a vacation, where would you go? I'm not going to be plush mind you, but to get away from Cali and see some of the US that I haven't seen before would be nice. Unfortunately, it's also rather chilly in most places still. I like warmer climates being an "ex" Texan hehe.

I've been thinking about money again lately because of a couple of financial setbacks. Isn't money wierd? I mean really, isn't it? If you take a dollar out of your wallet or purse and look at it, what do you see? (a non retorical question for those that want to comment on this) I'll tell you what I see. I see paper. I don't see cash, I see paper lately. We all affix a lot on this little piece of paper now don't we? We want more pieces of it. We want TONS of pieces of this paper but it's just bloody paper after all.

Pull a piece of paper out of your printer and guess what...same damn thing really. It's these odd thoughts that go through my head as I handle cash on a daily basis at the shop. Someone hands me a five and I hand them some ones and coins. You have to bundle cash a certain way to take to the banks for deposits, and after counting up say $500 in twenties (that's their bundle amount by the way)....I at least just start feeling like I'm thumbing paper and not money. Wierd. Truly wierd becuase this hits me over and over again. I'm definately not a rich man by any means, but the more I think of it, the concept of financial stability and ready currency is what I really want.

Hm...dinner has put my mind in curious places tonight. Random places where there are little boxes waiting to be opened. Not such a bad thing really because I'm finding little pieces of inspiration to do things lately. I think that my requests of the Universe are starting to come to fruition. Now, let us hope that my request for a better financial out look is coming as well. :)

And while I am at it, I think i am developing a crush. It's probably silly of me, but he seems like the sort of person I would want to attempt dating. (or at least just chill with and have a bit of coffee and talk late into the night with) Why do I mention this? I don't know. I'm sort of going on autopilot right now. Still, it's a nice feeling. Nice to feel like I have that sort of desire again and not even in a sexual way. Twould be sweet indeed. We shall see if I can do something about that as well.

Me thinks tis time for bed. Me thinks that I have one more thing to say to you all which is;

Thank you for being my friends. Thank you for all of your kindness, your shows of affection, your acceptance. It means a great deal to me.


Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Now, before I get toooo deeply into this, I have to say that I run the risk now of being (insert dramatic music here) .... an optomist. Yes, yes I know I know. That little black gothy heart of mine full of misery and gloom that I brush off ever so often actually shines up rather nicely when I try. And yes, he was really cute :)

So, as fate seems to want to keep me in limbo, or simply to point out that I'm being a silly prat, today's events at the store were rather normal...until...I was getting ready to leave work and finishing up a few things. I look up at the counter and see a line of maybe 5 people that I don't know so I pay them no mind except for this one guy. He looks at me and kinda points and makes hand motions about my t-shirt (a Vampire the Masquerade shirt I stole from a friend). "Well," I think, "Now that's a nice piece of something interesting and since he seems to know what my shirt is about..."

He's ordered his drink and I'm trying to be cool about this because as he gets closer I notice he's cuter than I thought hehe. He was trying to get to the train station and ordered his Mocha (yup, you tend to notice these little things) to go. We started talking about VTM which I don't actually play but he does (and how hasn't owned something dorky in thier lives like 20 sided dice?) and I notice his necklace. Wierd what you do and don't notice isn't it? It was a series of beads each bound separately in leather and...well they looked rainbow-esque to me. "Woo hoo!", says I in my head and just as I'm about to really launch into conversation with him, hopefully finding out his name...I'm handed the phone and it's my bleeding boss wanting some information and I have to move to somewhere quieter to hear him. My mystery man left :( Now the only thing I can think right now (and have been thinking since he left) is this; 1) I should have run down to the train station after I got off the phone becuase I was technically off work, and 2) I SO hope that he comes back in tomorrow! Ah...Mr. Mocha, you are/were a dream. So maybe this is the universe's way of saying to me
"Pst. Buddy"
Me: "Huh? What?"
"It's gonna happen for ya and you'll never see it coming"

Well that was the main point of this little happy-hearted, rediculously hopefully entry. But wait! There's more.

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr. day here in the states. I'm pretty sure that he's known world wide and if not, that's rather sad. While I didn't post last night (because I kinda got into a phone conversation with Rey and then fell asleep watching tv), I meant to say something about him and more importantly heros. (Thank you Jim for being one of the few folks that mentioned him on your blog)

See, heros to me aren't the guys with rippling muscles that fly through the air. They're just what John Lennon wrote about ( I love me some Working Class Hero). They're really just folks that seem to strive harder, and sometimes have to be an insurmountable odd. I didn't get it why folks were so upset over John Lennon's death at the time. I was young and ignorant to tell the truth. Here was another man of peace, who wanted peace and spoke out about peace, gunned down. Why is it that everyone that really seems to strive to make the world a better place for people in general is cut down that way? Martin Luther King Jr is most definately a hero as was Ghandi and John Lennon. Each one of these men tried to raise the public conciousness in some way. From what I know (and those that are better with history please correct me), MLK patterned his non-violent protests after what Ghandi had done.

Heros, for me, are the amazing people that attempt to make a change in the world for the better. I'd like to be that kind of person. I arrogantly sometimes think that maybe something I write (plays, poetry, etc) will help make that sort of difference. And yes, policemen and firement? Heros. Just in what they do for a living makes them a hero to put themselves out there on the front line for people they don't know. Same goes for those people in the military as much as I dislike war...I applaud their efforts in keeping people safe from harm.

So, who are your heros? Perhaps Hellen Keller? John Kennedy? Langston Hughes? Harvey Milk? Come on....tell me. And, better if I don't know who they are because then I have more to go in search of and to be inspired by. DISH IT! :)

Lastly, a big shout out and much love even though I don't know him to Simon at Secret Simon. Go check him out. Seriously, he seems like an amazing guy.


Sunday, January 15, 2006

Oh dear oh my again....

Warning! The following contains my ranting against some religious individuals, a story that may be disturbing to the sensative readers,.....and a link to see the uneditted Bareback Mountain other words, gay men's wankies. since I editted the pict from the cover of Bareback Mountain, I decided to link it here so you naughty wicked campers could have a peek (peak?) at what the guys look like. Why did I edit it? Don't know really. Just seemed appropriate for the posting really. Am I a prude? Well considering that I was the one that "broke" the story (god I love puns), na....we all know what kinda movie this is ;) Hell, maybe I can find something new to post a picture of like maybe, King Dong (ok ya know they're bound to do it now that the movie is out and don't tell me otherwise!)

So I'm sitting here wondering something. Got a picture from the internet here of a kinda cute guy. Let's see what you think of him. Here's what I know about him. He's 18, lives in Florida, and currently has just turned himself in for possibly beating to death a homeless man and beating two others. WTF!?

What the hell is wrong with people? I can't say "kids today" because it's not just them, it's everyone. Friggin Pat Robertson saying that Prime Minister Sharon had a massive stroke because Sharon went against God's will? WTF?! The world is just get a little bit too violent and crazy for me. Even the illustrious "Christian" minister who spouts his hate messages from the 700 Club is in on the act. (can we forget that Pat also called for an assasination attempt early this year?)

So...for those that are interested, and it may piss ya off to read it, or make ya wanna cry, here's the link to this guy's story. 18 years old and he's caught on video beating a homeless guy with what could be a baseball bat.....there goes two lives. Story here.

See, I know that there are some folks out there who watch the 700 Club and were saying to themselves "Yup. That Pat Robertson is absolutely right! Mm-hm" And that's what really bothers me the most. I personally have nothing against Christians, or Muslims, or Hindus, or any other religious ideology for that matter. The fact that I was "raised" Christian ... well I do think that the ideas are good ones to some degree but ya just get these guys that want to twist the religious beliefs to their way of thinking and well...that don't exactly sound too Christian to me if ya want my opinion on it. I just don't get it. And people will believe these guys too, that's the worst of it. Sounds like a lot of Baaaa Baaaaa Baaaa. (and that's only for the ones that won't think for themselves!) oish....sigh...grrrrrrr

Wow. I'm apparently a bitter bitter man hehehe. The weekend has come and gone and I'm getting ready to sit down with a nice box of take out Chinese food (mmmm Spicy General Chicken), and possibly watch a movie as I prepare for the week to come. Seeing as I bought a lottery ticket for last night's draw, I should find out I'm $71 million dollars richer tomorrow. Woo...boy howdy do I crack me up! Definate knee slapper that one...

Ok, I think I need to eat and go to bed. :)

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Dear God they went and did it...

Now you knew that this was bound to happen didn't you babies? Yup, yours truly found an ad for this new little movie (sheepishly grinning). And you thought I wouldn't have to say something about it? Well hell folks, the jokes have been happening left and right so here it is...the gay porn you've been waiting for (carefully editted by moi)

Now how's that for a kick in the head? Everyone and their dogs have been making fun of the title of Brokeback Mountain calling it Bareback and I should have known that it wasn't going to be long before this damn thing happened. Mind you, being a pristine young thing, I don't watch these kind of

What I had actually entended to blog about was how the night happened to turn for me. See, it didn't start out all that great. I had issues with the coinstar machine but they did manage to get it working again and I came out $134 richer. See what happens when you save your loose change?! So feeling a little more plush I went to dinner and devoured at least another third of An Actor's Guide To Greed. It's the third in the series and so far one of my favs! (great series by the mysteries and they definately have me chuckling!). So I thought I would pop down to the shop for a little cup o' coffee and maybe a bit more of a read.

Who did I bump into but my friends the Bs. Apparently they had just finished dinner up but came in for a cupper with me and we sat there having a chuckle and working on a Sudoku puzzle until the band started up. What's wierd is that we almost always have jazz bands play on Friday and Sat. nights. Most of them I could do without. These guys tonight though were something a little different. It was a quintet of two guitars (accoustic), one standing bass, and the leader on violin. There is something oddly infectious about that combo. It's sort of like listening to the soundtract of a Woody Allen film (say something like Radio Days). And they were really good too! So that was my night so far. And now, I'm gearing up to do a little bit of ritual work for my beautiful Goddess who's face I can't see tonight because of the rain.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I think that things are starting to shape up a little for me lately. (finally got the script for the video I'm going to be shooting and it's a kicker!)

Lastly, a very Happy Belated Birthday wish to my darling Camilla. (Flowers and Champagne on the way sweetness!)

Friday, January 13, 2006

La Bellissima Luna

Ok....oh my but Ok, here we go babies. There was something that came to mind tonight that I just want to ask all of you to do. If it's not night where you are, wait...just wait till maybe 9pm or later and then go out and look up. If you're in the city like myself, then find somewhere that the night sky can be seen but simply look up...that moon, ah that beautiful moon that's shining up there. According to my Lewellyn calendar it's full tomorrow night but my god is it simply beautiful. Just trust me on this one. Go out and look at Her.

See, I get lost up there. I tell people to meet me up there in the night sky (more specifically while staring at the moon) and I'll tell you why. When I look up, I get so lost in the night sky and the stars may be a little different where you are, but that moon won't be. That's how I connect. I sometimes go outside my little studio late at night on the weekends and just stare straight up and dream, and wonder, and somehow I start feeling connected to everything. I fall upwards into the night sky, into the stars and the moon. I've always had a strong draw to Her (because She is my Goddess). Tonight though, She is so beautiful up there with a few clouds out here passing over Her face. And there is an amazing sense of calm when I do it that comes from the vastness. Sometimes I think that space and the ocean are the last bastions of mystery left in the world. And tomorrow night, She is full! The zenith of power to us pagans. I've already started formulating my own little ritual for tomorrow night (and thank goodness it's on a weekend!) .

Camilla tagged me a few days ago and I am bad bad man for not getting around to it before now. Guess my world seemed cloudy and mucked up lately but tonight, it's finally settling down mentally. So, here goes:

My 5 Bad Habits
1 I'm a smoker. I tried to quit once or twice. I actually did quit for around 3 months last year, but I came back to it. They have been my crutch for a number of years and when I'm stressed, I smoke more. When I'm sad, I smoke. When I'm guessed it, I smoke.

2 I tend to not cook for myself. How is that a bad habit? Well you go through more money by not cooking at home let me tell you. Part of it is convenience, part of it is laziness. Mostly it has to do with cooking for one and hating left overs. (believe it or not it's kinda hard for me to cook for just myself because I was used to cooking for me and my dad for a long time)

3 Socks. How can socks be a bad habit you ask? I don't know how many pairs I have. (literally) See I like the feel of clean socks all nice and cushy on the toeses, and sometimes when I run out of the clean ones...well it's around $7 for a pack of 12 at Wallmart so why bother if I have clean clothes, just buy more socks! (i gotta start getting rid of some of them damnit)

4 I hate to shave. I hate you guessed it, days go by without me shaving. Where I work it's actually ok to go all stubbly and I've gone more than say the 5 working days without shaving at a time. (usually at that point I just trim it up to a beard though) God I hate scraping my face, and my head which takes a lot more time let me tell you! That's why electric clippers were invented!

5 My dvd/cd collection. See, I'm a media junky. I don't know how many dvds I have, or cds for that matter. Guess what. Do I watch those movies a lot? Hell no, it's Greencine and Netflix and Hollywood Video for me. Why? (and yes I buy the movies because I like them) I want to see something new generally. There are films that I have bought and never even opened for christ's sake! Cds? You guessed it, I just like music and I never know what i want to listen to at any given time.

So there ya bad habits in a nutshell :)

JoeyDestino over at.....well JoeyDestino had an interesting post to me today. It's funny how you find out how a like some folks can be. Right now, I have my Itunes running, my brain is whirring in the background with ideas for this play I'm trying to start writing, and I'm also talking to you guys. So, I'm curious, do the rest of you when you are studying or reading or doing something that requires your concentration play music...have the tv both, or do you have to have absolute silence? That would kill me. I tried that once and my mind wandered so fast that it was impossible to study. (

I'm not sure what this says about me or how my mind works but I need some kinda background going ya know? I used to write better at the cafe than at home because of background noise. It's comforting and you know what it is and somehow it's filtered out but usefull to me. That's why I'm so happy with having the Itunes player. All the music I could ever want and I just click and away I can go. When I was taking the play writing course, I had special mixes I would tune my brain into that would go for hours! I would do the same thing when I'm working on any of the inking I used to do. When I took painting in college? Yup, same thing. As Shakespeare so properly said (if it really was him) "If music be the food of love, Play on!"

Now get out there and look up with me, either tonight or tomorrow. I can almost garauntee you that if you just glance up it's not going to be the same. Really look into the night sky. Let yourself get lost among the stars, and look upon the shining face of the moon. She won't dissappoint you.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Damn baby, it's cold

Now y'all know how dangerous it is when I start thinking don't ya? Means that there's a lot going on in the grey cells that won't quiet down for me. Seems to be the case more often than not lately.

There's a lot of "cry me a river" type stuff going on in here lately. Got some issues lately with money. Basically, I feel I need more of it to do what I really want to be doing with my life. Well, then again, who the hell doesn't feel that way eh? Truth is that I'm getting dangerously close to burn out status at my current job. It's been over a year since I had a real break or vacation and with other financial woes happening, sure doesn't exactly look like I'm gonna be taking one soon unless my friend pays me back what he owes me.

This of course brings to mind what does a person who trained for most of their life to be an actor do for a living that makes them money? Had an offer to work at a casino. Definately would make me more money, and there would be benefits as well (which I don't currently have). Question is, do I want to give up what little bit of social life I have to work a graveyard shift? See, besides money, I want a boyfriend.

This brings to mind the fact that I don't go out because I actually kinda hate the whole bar scene. So, where do you find a nice guy? Where do you meet someone and hold an actually conversation? More to the point, just where the hell do you go to meet a guy who's 1)financially stable and mentally stable and has a job, 2) Has more on his mind than the latest club single and who's wearing what, and 3) wants to get to know you before they jump in the sack? Starting to think that it's basically a pipe dream and romance works for other folks and I'm stuck with my job.

This brings to mind that I have a decided lack of social life because I tend to have my job on my mind 85% of the time during the week. This was pointed out to me by my friend J who commented that every night I tend to say "I have to get back to the shop". I mean come on...what the hell is wrong with me here? That was my father's life and I said I didn't want to live that way. Sure I have my gothy side and I am allowed to pretty much wear what I want to work, play (for the most part) the music that I want...but it looks more and more as I take a bigger step back that my life is all about my job. That won't do anymore because the job isn't really hacking it for me. I'm craving mental stimulation and some fun back in my life as well. (and that doesn't include just playing hours of videogames or watching movies) It requires the ability to go out and be social (which I'm inept at off the computer).

Part of me is constantly trying to keep up with the Jones'. Well I just can't. Don't make enough but there again, what the hell kinda job is gonna pay me enough? D&H live in an nice little house and are getting ready to have a kid. J&W live in J's condo. Didi and Desi have a nice apartment that they live in (well I think it's nice for a one bedroom). To call it as I see it, I'm basically a pretty big loser if you look at how I live and where. Yeah, I know...cry me a river and no I'm not a loser but...

Then there's the whole spiritual side of me that is in constant struggle with the world lately. I've been told by more than one person that I'm a priest. Well I can accept that. Part of what makes me me is that I honestly will talk to folks when they're down and try to lift them up. I'll do what I can to help make someone's life better if possible. Problem is, I can't turn that around on myself. I've often wondered who a priest goes to when he's got problems either spiritual or just if he's down about something. Do you go to another priest? Do you go to whatever God you believe in?

So that's my mental state lately. I want to make the world a better place. I honestly do. I keep thinking about what Anne Frank said which was (paraphrased probably here), "Deep down I believe that people are inherantly good." All the while i'm trying to remember a budha nature and remember that this is all (according to beliefs) illusion. Hell, me talking to all of you right now is nothing more than little pixels of light hitting your eyes. I'm not even there. Funny thought eh? Especially because in my head, I hear your voices when I read your posts and comments, etc.

I was thinking about taking a break and not writing again just to see if I could clear my mind up a bit, fix the life a bit, do more writing on play ideas I have bubbling along with all of that rot up there. I haven't made up my mind actually but I do know this, if I did stop blogging for a while, my emailling would go up drastically hehehe. Hell, I'll probably find myself here tomorrow night sitting here writing something completely contrary because day to day life is different. What I do know is this much right now, there are things I want in my life that I don't know how to achieve. That in and of itself is bothersome to me. So, if my blogs are darker in the coming you know why.

Place nice out there folks. There's too much ugliness going on in the world right now. Too much anger and the stripping down of people going on in the world in general in my opinion. Stripping down of our rights, our uniquenesses, to some degree of our souls (and that's just here in America). Maybe it's just time I put on my priest garbs again and try a little harder?

Monday, January 09, 2006


Wicked! Naughty campers! Vicious and snarky...oh me oh my...sigh.....

Now, here I am gone for a little while on my on little wonders of my inner brain, then the weekend comes and POOF...another work week and my brain appearing to work in order again and will wonders never cease?

So, I'm gonna reserve my comments on last week for a while. They are bubbling and brewing still and i'm trying to make sense of some of them. Just enough to say that things kinda slid down pretty fast but I'm back and on top of things (I think).

So what to blog about? How about bloggin itself because Joey (y'all go look at that site and you tell me he's not a red hot tamale!)had a great post on his site and I came to realize that what I'm doing here now is more of keeping in contact with all you great folks I call my friends this way.

Now the thing is that I do read a lot but comment little lately but it all boils down to this; I don't always have anything good to say in the comments. Doesn't mean I'm not reading your post, but, sometimes I just don't know what to say. Even when I wasn't writing here last week, I was reading my list o' blogs. So, ...well I lost my train of thought but that has more to do with me needing to go to bed soon.

Well this has to be one of the worst blogs I have written in a while. Brain is slightly fuddled, I got tax issues on the back of my cranium, and it's only Monday for god's sake.

I'm slowly coming back to normal so expect more mental ramblings from me as the days go by and perhaps I'll even hit on something interesting.

And my darlin Camilla, don't think I didn't notice that meme you tagged me with. I'll get around to that soon.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Time for sleep

Will wonders never cease? It worked twice now! (and please pardon bad imitations)

this is an audio post - click to play