Saturday, July 30, 2005

Shall we go for a third?

Ive started this three times now. I wanted to talk more about my paganistic life, but it just comes across as so much drivel. I guess when it boils down, you either believe that certain things which science can not explain do happen...or you say it's impossible. Guess that's really the meaning of having faith in what you believe in eh? The knowledge that what you know is true regardless of whether you can explain how it happened or not.

So...since I can't seem to write about that tonight, I started thinking about Ben again today. My coworker brought him up in conversation. Not really what I needed to be thinking about. I hate being a softy. I sometimes really hate even having emotions. They're a pain in the ass, even the good ones at times. You ever found yourself all up and happy and you run into a friend that's just mopy and it's...hard to deal with them. So, I learned how to put walls up when I need to to shield my true self from other folks. Sides, I didn't feel like being the heart on the sleeve kinda guy today.

Guess it was ok for a Friday. Work went pretty quickly and I came home and took a nap then went out for some pasta-ness dinner. Found my way to the shop for coffee afterwards and let my friend Garry read my 10 page play. He liked it he said, but I'm always nervous when people say that. I have issues with being told that something I did was good. Unless I deem it good, I'm usually worrying that it's really crap hehe.

Short story about why I think this happens to me. When I was growing up, my parents always told me I could be anything I wanted to be. They always told me how good I was at this, at that...all that encouragement you're supposed to tell your kid right? Well, at some point in around Junior High, I started being critical of myself and realized anything I did onstage, or sang was going to be good to my parents. Maybe they were just being polite? To this day if I were to be in a show, I would know if I had done well that night not by the audience, but by my own judgment. Hell, I could have burned down a set and my mother would still tell me how wonderful it was. Why do parents lie to their kids that way? I swear it's given me this complex!

So...he liked it. He said it was funny but I didn't get the reaction I had hoped for. He wasn't all excited by it. Made me start to doubt the show. He had a few good pointers though about what he thought wasn't working and that I honestly respect. Take the good, ya take the bad and there ya go eh?

So, now after trying to write an entry for maybe an hour and a half, I think I should get some sleep. My lovely Gman out there is gonna have to wait for his questions one more day. I'll come up with 5 good ones for ya babycakes.

One more week and my class is finished. One more play to write before next Sunday. I know that I can do this and make something even better than what I've written up till now...but I'm feeling a little stymied. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what comes out tomorrow.

Thursday, July 28, 2005


So my buddy Larry had these great questions for me. It was part of a meme. Not entirely sure what exactly that is being a babe in the woods in the blogging flield, but here goes

1) What attracted you to paganism?
Well, I suppose it all started with the moon. I've always had an affinity for it. I always believed in things that aren't supposed to exist such as werewolves and vampires. I started learning from books I read on Wicca and other paganistic ideology. What attracted me? Freedom. Paganism has very simplistic laws such as "Whatever you put out positive or negative returns to you three-fold" and "As it harms none, do as thou wilt". That's it. No angry God shaking a fist at me for being gay, no hell, no heaven...freedom religiously. It's also the fact that I honestly believe that by focussing your mind to a single purpose, you can cause changes on a cosmic level. Everyone has this ability, most don't use it. Spells and such the like? Simply focussing your energy to cause a change to happen (which if I remember is a definanition of magik). Long winded I know but, it was the ideologies of being good to everything and the knowledge that I can make things happen. And believe me or not, I know that my Goddess and God listen to me and even speak to me. And it doesn't make me crazy. :)

2) Would you rather fly or change shape?
Now that is a tough one. Who wouldn't want to fly? That would be ultimate freedom knowing that you could just jet off into the blue and be gone to anywhere. I can only imagine what it must feel like. Shape changing on the other hand would be a great way to escape as well. Brings to mind a lot of superheros like GreenLantern and Beast Boy. I think if I had the ability to return to my original form (ie become me again), I would honestly say I would rather change shape. If I did, I could be a bird and fly. If it was where I could only change my shape once and then be stuck in that shape...I'd have to choose the ability to fly. Tough one that. I guess in the long run, I'd want to fly none the less.

3) Favorite super hero?
God you ask the hard ones. That's like choosing a favorite song out of all your collection. I really like most of the Xmen. Bobby Drake just intregues me. Nightcrawler is an amazing guy. Gambit is the gentleman rogue. Not so hot on Spidey, or Daredevil, or Superman. My namesake though....The Shadow. He's a man that learned the ability to cloud men's minds so they can't see him. He carries twin colt .45s that he uses to deal out justice against the criminals. He has a purple Gyrasol ring that hypnotises people. No one knows who he is with the exception of a few of his "agents" plus his secret identity is that of a millionare. What's not to like? He's still my favorite superhero I think.

4) Is there a celebrity that you are embarrased to be attracted to?
Well there are a couple actually. The most embarassing is probably Greg Cipes who plays Beast Boy on Teen Titans. Tha's him there.
He's just a cute surfer/actor/musician boy. I think he's really hot and think it would be equally hot if he spoke in his beast boy voice when I meet him finally.
Second runner up is probably Steve Buscemi. Yes, the guy from Reservoir Dogs and other movies. His teeth are a wreck and he's just odd looking but I really dig him.
....there are a lot more but I'll leave it at two.

5) Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

You're killing me here Larry. Love? Affairs of the heart? It's hard to have loved and lost. It's a pain, really, it's a pain that sometimes doesn't completely heal. I think I have only really felt that "love" once in my life. I still miss that time terribly. At one point I wished that the whole thing had never happened. Now though, looking back, I don't think I would have traded what happened for the world. You can spend your whole life just dreaming of being in love with someone and having them love you back. But that's no good really. Once it has been given to you, it can never be taken away from you. Better to have loved and lost definately. It may be painful, but at least I know that I had it, and hopefully can find it again with someone else. Won't be the same, but...?

So that's it for me tonight folks. After finishing my 10 page play, and answering these questions, I am drained. It was a slightly rough day at work today. Co-worker issues. Didn't get off my lazy ass and get my friend Sue a card and I feel like shit about that (although I did email her some pictures of flowers from my garden instead). I have only one week more of class and I think I'm glad of it. I have a play reading marathon this weekend for the class and it's potluck and I have no idea what to take.

Time to sleep...but before I go, this is a prerequisit for the above meme questions.

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “Interview me.” (”Blow me” or “Eat me” are not acceptable substitutes.)
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person’s will be different. I’ll post the questions in the comments section of this post.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Larry....thanks man.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Another day, another song

I got a song stuck in my head and I think it's time I put up the Itunes so I can hear it just so it goes away so I can sleep. Anyone else ever have that problem? It just gets into your soul and wraps itself around your little cerebrial cortex and there's no escape. Tonight it's The The - Love is Stronger than Death. Song means a lot to me. For some reason this one song has gotten me through some of the roughest times I've seen. Probably because of the lyrics to it. I'm sure they're out there on the web somewhere and I don't feel particularly like searching for them right now.

I finally got the ring I ordered almost a month ago. It's pewter and is...slightly too big for my index finger where it's supposed to reside. So, now I have to try and get it resized. Scared to find out what that my cost me. It is pretty though. It's a sliver (ok, pewter) wolf's head. He's snarling and it makes this little Lycanthrope (new vocabulary word for y'all) very happy. Some gothy folks are all about the Vampirical, I'm about the Lycanthropes. Guess I never did figure out how to fit in properly eh?

So I had every good intention of working on my show today. I was going to do it after I got home from getting dinner but I stupidly put a movie in. Well, here it is 10:30 and I have nothing to show for it. I absolutely have to get it finished at least in the writing by tomorrow. What's worse is that tomorrow is my friend Sue's birthday and I don't have so much as a card for her. I feel like a shit about that. These are people that are so kind to me and remembered my birthday complete with a present. I hope that she'll accept that I'll have to drop off whatever I find for her tomorrow late in the afternoon. And it's Thursday! How did that happen? Time is not moving linear anymore for me it seems.

I have one week to accomplish a ton of stuff for this class and then it's over. I'm still realing to some degree. It seems I just started the damn thing but I guess it's been over a month. I do have a 5 page play and soon a 10 page play to show for it plus a lot of beginnings for others. I have no idea if I'll keep up with it though. It's really difficult for me to be creative right now. Think I need a booster of creativity but I don't know where to find it.

I know that I'm just tired from the week and from not eating right, but tonight I'm feeling that lonliness creep up on me again. Feeling like I could be the island that no man is supposed to be. I thinkI just need more sleep. Doesn't help that Ben came in today again. I swear it's a nasty joke being played on me by the Universe. Don't see him, then write about that and there he turns up. I guess I'm just jealous. Funny that. Jealous of someone I don't even know. Silly really if you ask me but I've never been one to be all that practical when it comes to this sort of thing.

I'm sorry this all seems to be downer messages lately. I'm sorry that I feel this way lately at night. Sorry for a lot of things lately in my life, but it has it's perks I suppose. I do keep trying to find that bright ray through the gloom and usually I can find it if I look hard enough. Sides, I got folks what love me. So...there ya go. And here I go cause I have to get a shave tonight. Friggin starting to look like a street bum.

Peace out there where ever you are. Wrap yer arms around yourselves and pretend it's from me.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Friends and Music

Success, slightly, well maybe. We'll see. I got five more pages done on my 10 page play. I'm up to six and I think I have enough stuff set in motion to carry it through to the full 10 if not a bit more. Of course, that means tomorrow night is more writing, then comes the rewrites. All of this on top of the fact that I haven't read the lesson yet. Stupid I know but I wanted to get the play out onto paper and then see what my prof had to say in the lesson and work backwards sort of. More important to me to have it all done first really.

So my buddy Larry had an interesting post today about music (he's on the right there so check his blog out ok?). Music does have weird sense memories attached to it. Now, I use music like a drug sometimes. I use it to pick me up, drop me down a little and mellow me, ease my mind when I'm worried or upset, and sometimes just to force me to go out of my head into the nether regions to commune. Sounds hippy dippy trippy? Well it works for me. Point being, what songs cause my mind to wander to places?

Beethoven's Appationata - it was the song he and shared. It was the song I couldn't listen to without thinking of him and what had happened. It's the song I don't know if I can listen to again yet.

Go West by the Pet Shop Boys - I'm dancing at the edge with Doll and James and we're doing out dance, the one we created for the song, and Jimbo is dancing along with us.

Life In A Nothern Town - I'm spinning around the floor of the back room of the Edge. It's almost closed and it's one of the last songs. There's tons of room to move and I take full advantage of it

You've Got A Friend by James Taylor - Comfort, sweet melancholy, late nights at 3am when I can't sleep

There are more but I can't think really tonight. I know that sometimes there's a trance song that makes me think of old raver days, there are songs from musicals that make my heart leap and burst like a phoenix, Jason Mraz songs that I sing along with full voice to get the angst out of me. What would you do without music? I don't know what I would do. It would just be a really sad sad place without it.

So...roughly two weeks and I'm done with this class. One more week or so and I get to go and see Wicked! *doing a little Snoopy dance of joy* I can't wait. I mean I can't wait cause I'm gonna be so excited I may just throw up in my mouth a little! What is it with us homos and musicals anyways? Not that I'm looking forward to all the shows in Best of Broadway. I'm going to sell my seats for Annie because, well I just don't need to see that again. But to go to a show that you know it headed for, or has come from Broadway? Now that's exciting to me. Have to figure out what to wear hehe.

Dear god tomorrow is Wenesday. Half way through the week and Thursday is my friend's birthday! EEK! I have no clue what to get for her. I guess it's going to have to be a card and maybe I can whip up something in the kitchen. Just all seems to be coming at mach speed lately. Life in general lately seems to be going at mach speed. I could use a bit of a rest. I could definately use a vacation so November better get here fast dammit. I need Disneyland. I need a chance to just relax and have fun and be around friends. Even my old companion the PS2 isn't doing it really lately. Probably just been too hot for me I guess. I don't know. A little slower paced life where I wasn't up at 5am would be nice though.

Again no Ben today. Made me think about how I sometimes feel that there's never going to be the Mr. Right out there for me. I guess this solitary life isn't so bad all of the time. I do have good friends that I hang with, but it's different when you know that 90% of your friends are invovled with someone else. Of course there's the family thing but we won't go into that because I haven't felt close to my family for years now. I think I built my own family out of necessity. We all found each other for some odd reason and there you go. Back to Mr. Right for a second here...

Is there really a right person for everyone? Is there ever? I used to go to a Gay/Les/Bi/Transgender club when I first moved out here and thought I'd find a boyfriend. Well guess what folks, didn't work. I tried going out. Yeah, that worked really well cause I can hardly walk up and speak to someone without feeling like an idiot in that situation. I hoped that my friends would introduce me to someone. That hasn't happened. And the ones that want to introduce me to people live far away. So...I'm stuck. I'm stuck with hoping that he's going to walk through the doors of my cafe and BOOM! I did try dating a couple of people but it just didn't work out. One was a bit psychotic, the other was a bit selfish, and I just can't seem to find the guys that work for me without them being straight. I'm no longer interested in just "hooking up" with someone. I think I may have been once, but not anymore. I want that long term thing I see my friends have. Sure you get fights from time to time but that comes with the territory. Just wish I knew where to go to find him.

I need to shave, so I think I'm out of here for now. Maybe I'll come back all refreshed tomorrow having finished my play and read my assignment and the play will fit it perfectly. Oish I'm a dreamer :)

Monday, July 25, 2005

Monday monday

It was back as soon as I noticed that it was 5:40am rather than 5:20ish, Monday. Luckily for me I'm a dork and laid out what shirt I was going to wear today plus a clean pair of socks. Nothing like being prepared for the "Holy Shit! I'm Late!" days eh?

Nothing really went to terribly wrong at first. I got the shop open on time. I didn't have that little bit of time I really enjoy to myself out side with a cup of coffee but hey, I opened on time. What more can you ask for? Slow slow slow morning too. Then little things went wrong. The main one? Ben. He's the guy I've been pining over for a long time now. I think I finally figured out that yes, he is gay, but I'm not entirely sure. I've tried to get him to come out with me and friends on the odd occaission with no luck. After a week of not seeing him at all (since I only see him when he comes in the shop), I was rather pleased to see him last week. Now the funny thing to this little back story is that I had decided "fuck it. It's not worth all this drama in my own head. Fuck it."...and there he was again.

You ever wonder why you're attracted to certain people? Maybe it's their hair, their smile, the way they carry themselves, or maybe it's for no other reason than it just feels right for some unkown reason. That's Ben for me. Some random guy that came into my shop one day that I thought was attractive. It got better knowing he had a decent job (yes I asked), and he seemed chatty with me. The job meant to me that he was smart. He'd been through college/university at least right? Plus, his smile makes me die a little bit inside when I see him smile. So I know his name, and what he does...but that's about it other than he went to the Pride parade up in SF. Not a lot to go on, but back to our story.

Ben and I were chatting and somehow the concept of vacations and taking time off came up. I mentioned something about Disneyland and going there with friends for thier anniversary. He quickly brightened up a bit and said he was going there this weekend for his anniversary. I played it off rather cooly and probably said something like "I'm so jealous. Wish I was going.", but inside all the stupid fantasies I had ever concieved of were shattered. I don't care if he was going with a guy or a girl, it doesn't matter. He's officially unattainable and I just have to chalk it up to one more guy that I was stupid about. One more chance that I won't get. One more boyfriend that I'll never have.

The day continued. I made my friend Lil cry by accident. I felt like utter shit about that. I saw these tears forming and I just wanted to dash up and hug her and tell her "no no no...I'm just being silly" because it was about her missing my birthday on Friday. I dashed off an email to her the moment I got home explaining that I adore her and just wished she had come in. She zapped back that she was crying not because of what I said but because she'd missed my birthday. Well, it kinda made me feel better, but not really. I can't believe that I made her cry! I felt like a heartless shithead. I did give her a big hug before she left though. Think that's the first time I had hugged her but I felt it needed to be done. Of course, there is the problem that I think she has a crush on me to begin with but knows I'm gay.

From there? Just work, and Costco, and then home to find my mother had actually sent me cards. For some reason it was depressing to open them. She'd enclosed a check and that's swell and all but...sometimes I worry about her is all. And she keeps nagging me about moving back to Texas. She keeps talking about me "coming home", but dammit I pay all my bills here, have a lease on my studio, have my job here....isn't this home for me? I know that she misses me and I wish that I could say that I missed her as much. Sometimes I honestly think I'm a rotten son and brother because my friends mean more to me than my family. Is that wrong?

So here it is already 9ish and I'm finally finished with dinner. Forgot what it was like to just whip up something with what you have laying around. Kinda fun and it turned out exceptionally well. The sauce was nice and garlic-y and there was a hint of sweetness from the milk that made it creamy. Yeah, I think I do alright for myself when I want in the kitchen. It's just the lack of love life that bothers me. Hell maybe I should just take out an ad saying, "I am a good cook, I'm artistic, I have more than 3 functional braincells, I can be funny, I'm affectionate, and I'm looking for someone to share all of this with. If you're similar, then let's talk." Right. I know the replies I might get and I'm actually afraid of them. Still....I wish that Ben hadn't crushed that last little sparkle of romance I had in my fantasy world. It would have been nice to have someone to cook dinner for besides myself.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Another one begins

Well here we are again, the beginnings of a work week. Whee. I could use one more day of sleeping in but...

I just wanted to say thank you the folks that wished me a happy birthday. It was a really tremendous day and evening for me. So, ya know I loves ya Ruby baby (and yes I'll try and write sometime soon), Larry...yer a sweetheart, and Gerald you best be havin fun up there in the city! I'll know cause I'm reading your blog!

So the birthday day ended with dinner at my friend Dan and Halwey's house. She's an amazing cook by the way! Why blew me off my feet though was the 5 minute short that they put together and dumped onto a Dvd for me. I now have my own personalized birthday movie. Too long to go into tonight but I'll definately rave about it some other time. Finally, Dan and I hit the theatre to see Devil's Rejects. If you like older horror films, this is sort of Rob Zombie's homage to films like Last House On the Left, and The Hills Have Eyes. It's brutal and bloody and I'm not sure if I like it or am repulsed by it...but I'll probably wind up buying the damn thing when it comes out on Dvd.

So I pushed things to the last minute again with class. Procrastination seems to be my middle name lately. I worked for 3 hours or so on one project and just finished the reviews I had due. Both of these were due tonight at 11:30pm. So why did I wait so damn long? Oh yeah...week from hell! We've been over that road though so, let's not go there.

My mom recently informed me that my brother and his wife are going to have a kid around August 11th. Now, I technically should be happy about this. I feel kinda bad that I'm not. It's not that I'm not happy for them's just that I'm upset that they haven't called me, written me, emailed me to tell me about it. Hell, if my mom wasn't around I doubt I would even know! Not to mention that this is the brother that still owes me a large chunk of change. Still, I feel like I should be a dutiful Uncle and get the kiddo something. Not a peace offering to my brother, but the little tyke hasn't done anything to me, and god knows that I'll probably won't be seeing any of them until someone dies again.

Ain't that a kicker by the way? When you don't have a close knit family, you only seem to see them when something really shitty happens. I couldn't go down for the birth of my first nephew because I had no money and was in a show at the time. I still haven't met my niece Lillian yet and she'll be two this year. Now, I have a third coming at me. I wish my dad was around to see them. He died before my nephew was born. Hard to believe that it's been almost 10 years now. See what I mean? Ya don't see any of yer family until the shit hits the fan, and then I don't particularly want to see my family.

My stuido smells like lemons. I may have to break into the lemon Sorbet that I made before I go to bed. Sometimes ice cream seems a bit too much ya know? Well my little ice cream maker had a recipe for lemon sorbet so..there ya go. By the way, did you know that 7 lemons produce only about a cup and a third of juice? Oh, and if you're ever zesting lemons, watch your fingers. I know have some lovely scrapes and cuts *grumble*

So since I didn't say anything yesterday about the party Hawley had for me and was a barbque at their place. She had invited around 15 folks and I went to my buddy the butcher and grabbed 10 pork steaks and away we went! I get there and it's still early, so there's only 6 of us there. Ok, I thought, no big deal. More people later. I took off for around 2 hours and dashed home because I had a play idea in my head and I knew I was going to forget it if I didn't get it out. So, I go back....8 people. Then two left. 6 people. Now, the party went from 2-8pm, and at around was still us same 6 folks sitting there. I kinda felt bad for Hawley because she went through a lot of effort to put this together for me and Dan. Still, it was nice. Good food, good conversation that ranged from the cult status of Dianetics (one of the guys who was really fucking cute had been a sociology major and took an entire class on cults) to motorcycles. I think I left around midnight last night. What a great weekend though. I think I'm gonna remember this bday weekend for a long time.

So where ever you folks are that are reading this, and who ever you are, next time you run into your friends....give em the biggest bear hug ya can because friends are what makes life good. Bear hugs to ya all!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Ya say it's your birthday.....

Let's get this party started right! It's my birthday today and after the last couple of days, I finally got decent sleep and was actually rarin to go this morning. Got to the shop and there was nothing wrong there. WOO! Set everything up and then I noticed it.....a note posted on the reg by my buddy Aaron. Aaron is our night manager, and our roaster, and one great guy (he looks like a big mean punk at times but he's a sweetheart). So...not sure what to do with it I put it on my T-shirt. Message was "Happy Birthday Shadow. Arn" Figured that would be the dead give away as to what day it was.

Well, from there it just kinda progressed. My friend Laura put one on me that said, "I rock and it's my birthday!!", my coworker Brian put on the "Please Don't Feed the Shadow", my friend Red put on the "Call me sweety", Armelle put the lovely little heart thing on me, I even put on one that said "Happy Birthday to me", Amadeo's says, "Birthdays are for presents" and my lovely little Judy wrote the "Yay Shadow!" one. Well you better believe I left them all on all day. I even went out to buy bread for the shop wearin them. Nice to know that you're loved huh? *big smile on me mug here*

I haven't heard from my mother yet but I haven't checked the mail. Perhaps this year she remembered. That would be nice. I'm supposed to go out and see Devil's Rejects tonight (hopefully) with my buddy Dan. So...all in all, a rather quiet birthday but still, I think I have a great group of friends. My buddy Steven in England wrote me an email, my friends on the tribe all made me blushy happy....and I ask ya this, which ones are my real family memebers?

So, check out me shirt. I'm so proud of it that I wanted to take the picture so everyone could see it. More to come....

Thursday, July 21, 2005

What a world, what a world!

Woo hoo baby! This week is almost over and I couldn't be happier. After the last couple of days waking up at 4am and waiting for the damn workmen, putting up with them being in my way, I thought today would be different. Let's did it all begin? Oh yes, last night.

I went to bed around 10:30 which wasn't bad. I could still get almost 6 hours of sleep....could have if I didn't wind up waking up twice with leg cramps and having to walk them off. Then the alarm went off and up and out I went. I get to work only to find a minor lake behind my bar counter. Apparently the ice machine's drain got clogged. So, grabbing the shop vac, I sucked up the water for around 20 minutes. No workmen. Ok, I thought as I started to set up for the day, they better show up or I'll have their testicals dangling from my ears for all the world to see. 5:30 and I'm finally almost done dumping out the third shopvac full of water and well...there's the workmen. Yes, I did get everything done in time to open, but only barely. Then the work began.

Ya ever had rude customers? Ya ever tried to keep your cool for 7 hours dealing with the public? Well, at the end of my shift I started to get really bitter. I had my fav customers come through and they would perk me up a bit, but over all, people were just annoying. Finally, when this one guy reached over the counter to grab the milk I lost it. I'm sure everyone in the shop heard me say "HEY! HEY! Don't reach over my counter." Well, this may sound slightly racist but the guy was Chinese and doesn't speak English very well. (as he was reaching over my counter toward the milk he said "No milk. Empty. No milk.") I just lost it. I stared at him square in the eye and he eyed me back but I tell ya, I could have taken him at that moment. I felt absolutely postal. You don't go into a resturaunt and just go back and grab something out of the kitchen now do you? You don't go to a bar and just reach over and try and grab some more ice now do you?! (and if ya did you'd be 86'd in no time I'm sure and probably beaten by the bartender) It was just the final straw. Finally I got around to doing dishes and headed out to Costco.

Ok...I said the name. Shame on me but that's where we buy bulk. And guess what...people don't know how to push a damn shopping cart! Better than that, they leave it in the middle of everything so they can grab a sample of whatever food they're pushing creating a jam. So this was at least an hour of my day. And I finally get back to the shop. Delivery truck. Bloody thing is blocking any open parking near the back of my shop where I unload. Now here's the scary part....When I'm unloading, my fellow employs start asking how I'm doing cause they heard I had a hard day. That kinda shit doesn't happen. I swear I felt like they were lookin to push me some prozac or something. All I know was I was glad to be out of there finally so I could get home and lay down.

I swear this week was trying to push all my buttons. Worst of all, I have done nothing for my play writing class. I have an assignment due on Sunday and I haven't even read the material. And here it is almost 8:30 and I'm bushed and don't feel like it. Well I tell ya, tomorrow being my birthday, there will be little work done on the class. I'm gonna have a nap dammit! Then, if I'm lucky I'm going to the movies with my buddy Dan. Then....well I have no idea what comes after that but....

And while we're on the subject of birthdays. What is it about birthdays that bring out the best in me when it's someone elses and the worst in me when it's my own? I try and be really good about other folks birthdays because mine gets overlooked a lot (but not this one and thanks to mia Familia). Well, it has in the past. So...makes me cranky to keep hearing customers who I don't particularly know wish me a happy birthday and ask how old I am. I'm 12 this year by the way. No seriously, if you add up numbers properly, I'm 12. And being 12, I'm going to make myself a little birthday cd with Animaniacs soundtrack stuff, Charlie and the chocolate Factory stuff and more wacky wierd music cause I should get to hear what I want. Too bad I can't do the techno but I think it would drive my boss who I'm working with tomorrow crazy.

I do know one thing. Come tomorrow night, whenever I get to bed, I ain't waking up til I can't sleep NO MORE!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Oh how I hate to get up in the morning

Yesterday, 4am....the alarm goes off and I know I have to get up and be at work at 5 because there's a couple of electricians coming to do work for us. I get to the shop a little before 5. workmen, I continue a leasurely act of getting the shop ready for work. workmen, I take the time to have a cup of coffee for myself. workmen, I wander down to the post office and drop off some Netflix and buy a New York Times. workmen, I open the shop.

Ok. Now I don't normally get up as early as 4 in the morning. I tend to get up and out of bed around 5:20ish to get to work and start setting up. So they never showed yesterday and today? You guessed it...I get there at 5am just in case and they show up around 5:15. Well, getting a coffee shop in order and ready to open may not sound that exstensive, but there's a lot to get done behind the counter....and where are the workmen setting up their ladder? Yup....behind the damn counter. So, what would have taken me maybe 45 minutes to do today took me a little over an hour. And hey, guess what! They'll be back tomorrow! WHEEEEEE! Three days of getting up at 4am. Boy I'm gonna be fun tomorrow.

My buddy Dan's Birthday is today. I feel really wierd about the gift I got for him. I'm planning on going down to the comic shop and get a gift certificate because what I have for him is a picture I inked in. Well hell, it was from a Tibetan Art Colouring book and I have a lot of gel pens and well...I did put it in a frame for him. I think it looks really good too. I spent months on it. It's not the sort of thing I just do in a day like a four year old. I'm rather fanatical about blending the colors in places to make it look more interesting, and making sure that lines are crips and clean so you can see everything. Makes my eyes cross at times and after 2 hours I may have one one small section of the picture inked in. So that's what he's getting and I just pray that he doesn't think that it's really lame, or dumb, or just doesn't like it. That's why I'm going to get the gift certificate.

I hate giving people things that they are expecting for either Christmas or their birthdays. Just seems like you didn't put much though into the gift giving ya know? Unfortunately for me, this year nothing reached out and grabbed my trachea and screamed, "I AM FOR DAN! BUY ME!" Plus, school work is due at the end of this week again. I just didn't have the mental energy to run around lately.

So saying, tomorrow it's another 4am day and I know I won't get out of the shop until around 1 in the afternoon. I have to go to Costco for the shop tomorrow. I have to read my lessons tonight for class and start writing because I have three small scenes due by Sunday. I have to find time to get to Dan's and drop off the present and the ice cream I made them (vanilla with brandied cherry pieces and walnuts). I have to get to the comic shop before I do any of that. I have to go back to the shop tonight and get my orders ready for tomorrow. I have to get my laundry to the cleaners so I have something to wear other than 3 day old jeans. birthday is Friday and I just don't feel all that excited about it. So... a little Meme I think is in order

How tall are you? Well I'm around 6' 5 ish. I'm somewhere between 6' 4.5 and 6' 4.75" Think that's tall? My brother is 6' 6.5"
What do you want for your birthday this year? Things that my friends can't afford like an Ipod, a better car sterio system, a laptop, perhaps a boyfriend.
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I'd have my hair again. Started losing it around college age and welp, now if I don't shave down I look like a Fransiscan Monk gone gothy. I would say fix my eyes cause I'm nearsited, but I envy those with great locks of hair.
Do you have a boyfriend? Ah hell no. Granted, the guy I pine over came back in the shop again this week...twice!...but I'm not holding my breath. I'm single until someone steps up to the plate.
What about a girlfriend? Funny you should mention this because I had thought about that every so often. It would be a relationship, but I'm kinda freaked at the thought of having sex with a woman. I know how it's supposed to work, but having never done it...just a bit wierd to me. Sides, I'd wind up being a bisexual boyfriend and we'd probably fight over men.
If you could have one gift from the universe, what would it be? Easy, I'd be affluent enough to be able to help all my friends and those that I care about out. Sure, I'd take care of me as well, but my friends are my life's blood. Without them, I'd be a really sorry individual.

And that's it :) More about Ben later perhaps.

Monday, July 18, 2005

My face is redder than a Tomato-Beet ripe for pickin

Well that was short order now wasn't it? Gee, isn't lack of sleep, and lack of food fun for your emotional state of well being?

There was nothing wrong with my blog. Apparently it just loaded wierd when I looked at it first. The Weather Pixie (after reading their site) is doing what it should because it's not getting information from the weather site.

In other words, I just made myself look like a complete ass. Well....

So now that I am more embarassed than I have been for a long time, I am going to watch a movie and eat some pringles and probably take a nap. Still have to find Dan's present dammit. I think it's time for a call to his girlfriend because I hate buying something he's going to be expecting. Where's the fun in that? Where's the thought that goes into it? Booooooring! Then again....if she doesn't know, maybe she can point me in the right direction at least? I know that I'd be lost with out those two. I mean it. Sometimes I feel bad because I had known Dan longer and so I dont' feel like I give enough of myself to Hawley. She's a great gal. I love her to death and I wouldn't trade her friendship for the world. I hate them sometimes. I don't know if I could ever say these things to them, and I don't know what difference it would make either. Who knows, maybe they read this, and if they do...then they'll know. If not, I know I put it out there for the Universe to hear, so maybe they'll know anyways.

Thanks for the changes

I am very VERY unhappy right now. I just jumped into the site to see if there were any comments left here and what should my wandering eye see? Changes. LOTS of Changes. Changes I haven't made. Now why would someone come in and hack my site? What a load a shit! I haven't written anything interesting that I know of, but dammit...this just pisses me off. It's like having someone in your house moving things around on ya when you're not there.

So, what next? What can I do? All I can think to do is change the password. Still, it just galls me to think that someone came in here and dicked with the blog site for fun. Now, I have the fun of trying to fix what they did. I have to fix my weather icon, find out how to pull my postings back up to where they should be (because I'm anal), and I guess it's time to slop down some more interesting background than these damn dots.

Well....seeing that I'm tired's going to have to wait. The five page play really just pushed my brain out the window. It wasn't until Friday night that I could return to what I had written and figure out how to fix it. Funny thing is that I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that night and was on such a high because of it that the world just seemed to ease up on me. Great movie by the way and I can't wait for the DVD release because I'm hoping for some good extra bits.

So, with class work done, now I have a new project I have to start and I can't think. My birthday is at the end of the week, my friend Dan's is sooner and I haven't gotten him anything and have no idea what to get him, I have to be at work tomorrow and the next day at 5am to let workmen in....and I'm supposed to have stuff done by Sunday for the class. Well bugger it! I'm not going to worry about it today. I'm not even going to see if she graded my play yet. Part of it is the fear that she's going to say it was a piece of crap. I almost don't care what my fellow students have to say about it...but the teacher? You bet I care. It's enough to drive me to drink...if I drank.

I'm still pissed about my blog, but until I can find something better to write about, I'm going to take a nap in the inferno that is my studio.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I am tired of work

I think I'm hitting a burn out period here. The last vacation I took from work was last year when I went with Doll and James to Disneyland. That was November. I didn't "go home" (yeah right like Texas is home and it would be so relaxing to be with my family) for Christmas, I rarely even make it up to San Francisco for crying out loud. I need a break. And again, I'm really tired of work. It seems that is all I do lately. So saying, I'm not going to work on my play tonight.

I should have seen this all coming actually. I spend the majority of my time alone, either here on the computer, or just here at home. When I do go out, it floors me that I have such a nice time interacting with people. I just spent the last two hours sitting around with friends at the shop outside just talking and doing little else. That is what I need to be doing more of. These are the people I love for christ's sake. The people that I can talk to, and laugh with ya know? When was the last time I really just hung out with friends? I don't know is the answer. Just have to figure out how to have the time schedualed in (and how pathetic sounding is that?).

So my neighbor. Ya know, there are just people that sometimes make me scratch my head because they get maybe a third of "it", but that's it. I'm sure he's a nice guy. The fact is that now that he's taking pictures of "spirits", it makes him psychic. Well shit man, if you were really psychic you would know what I was thinking when you wasted an hour of my time showing me pictues of where random patterns were suddenly faces of ghostly spirits! Of course, he's also a jazz musician because he sings along with jazz tunes. He's a rapper because he raps along with his cds. You getting the picture here? And while I'm on a rant about this, why does he have to yell at his girlfriend the way he does?

One set of neighbors here (the white trashy ones), I hear almost every night screaming at each other. The stuff that sometimes comes out of their mouths floors me. There is a house right next to them with children for fucks sake! And if you are going to argue, don't let your whole neighborhood in on it. Just don't. There's time for yelling, but it's not (seemingly) every single night. And my next door neighbor? The one that tells his girlfriend that she's stupid and generally winds up saying "fuck you" a lot to her? Why doesn't she just kick his ass to the curb? Now mind you, I have no idea what the dynamics are in either of these relationships but I do know one thing...there's drinking invovled. Yeah for us Americans. Seems that some of us just don't know how to hold our liquor, or when we've had too much of it. I guess I'm just tired of hearing ugly stuff come through at night when I'm trying to chill.

It's work. It's work to keep sane sometimes, work to keep food in your belly, work to keep your apartment clean, work to remember to buy toliet paper, and work to live alone. I do stupid shit for myself like buy games, or rent movies, but the rest of the time it all just seems like so much work and I want to just quit! Now we're not talking quit as in put a gun in my mouth, but quit from all this bullshit and take a breather. And guess what....I can't. I'm the boss that set all this into motion. Ya don't quit the day job until there's something better lined up ya know? (And I learned that the hard way)

Ok....seeing as I'm rather crabby, I think it's time for a little bit of a movie, a little something to eat, and a lot of sleep if possible. At least tomorrow is Friday and the opening of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Something to look forward to that isn't, although getting my friends to commit to going and what time may be considered, work.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

There, and there again...and over there too...

And the writing continues. Five pages doesn't seem like a lot, but sometimes it's a hell of a lot. I just finished writing my next assignment for class and I'm worried. I'm not sure if I did what the teacher wanted. There's this whole thing about character cuts, and plot points, and this and that and blah blah blah....I just want to tell a good story. I want to tell something that people would be interested in (I hope). Why is it so hard to take that step back and see it from other people's eyes?

Don't get me wrong. I like what I have although I think it needs work. I just don't know if it's going to meet criteria. And who says it has to? So what if I "fail" this part? Isn't that part of the process? You learn by doing. I'm like that though. I'd rather have someone give me a task, tell me how to do it, and then let me go to make my mistakes. When you fuck up, they generally tell you where you did and what you have to do not to do it again. Then you strive to not do it again.

When I started working at the theatre, I was building sets. I'd done a little construction in my college building sets, but I was sort of scared of certain tools, etc. So, starting out my first year at the theatre I made major blunders. Cutting with a circular saw was not a strong point for me then. But...ten years later when I left the theatre, I could build a set from the design without anyone being there at all. Ok, sometimes I needed a couple of extra hands to help in lifting the really heavy stuff, but I was cutting like a pro, using a sander to round corners, building entire window units by myself. Hell, some of the sets I almost did build by myself completely alone. May not have been easy always, but I could do it and I think I still can. You just get a little rusty at things you haven't done in a while.

I keep coming back to the theatre because it's where I grew the most as a person. From a guy that didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone say Boo, I became a big fish in a very little pond. I'm going to brag a bit but the truth is that I could have just about any part I wanted there. My acting skills improved as did my carpentry. I was allowed to let go of some inhibitions. I was pushed at times. It was a great place for meeting people as well. It was like a family to some degree. That's something I don't feel I ever really had because I don't feel close at all to my blood relationship (in other words, my family).

Isn't it wierd that because you have blood ties to people, you're expected to love them unconditionally? I will admit that I love my mom. She's an ok lady, but she doesn't know me and doesn't want to really get to know the "real" me. I censor a lot of my life around her. I think that she does the same with me. My brothers on the other hand, they just don't try. At least mom calls me from time to time (and bugs me about coming "home"). One brother does send a Christmas present, but hollidays are the only time I hear from him and I usually have to call them. My other brother? Well....who knows. I think he talks with my oldest brother but, he hasn't had the decency to even try and call me to tell me that he and his wife are going to have a baby. So you know what I say to these people? Take a friggin hike. (well not my mom actually)

My friends are my real family. Family should be the people that support and care about you no matter what. They're the ones that allow you to be your worst, and then kick you in the ass later for it when you're feeling better. They are the ones that get on you case when no one else will, and for the most part, in a nice way. And they're the ones that do actually understand when you're crying on their shoulders. God bless my friends. Without them, I'd be lost and miserable.

Wow. Somehow from classwork to deep emotions. I actually never know what I'm going to be writing here when I sit down. I had one thing in mind but this all came out instead. Someone remind me to tell you about my crazy neighbor who thinks that he's a psychic now because he takes random pictures of things, looks at these pictures and sees a random pattern within it that makes a face...and guess what...those are suddenly spirits that he's photographing. I listened to this for over an hour tonight, compete with pictures thank you. And me? I actually do follow paganistic beliefs. If I told him half of what I know, I think the man would run for the hills. Someone remind me to explain all that later? I'm going to bed before I start seeing "spirits" in these placement of these letters!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Time time time, where the hell did ya go?

Ok, this has to be a quick and cut and dry rambling....I'm on the clock as it were. I haven't had dinner, and I wasted my afternoon when I should have been starting my homework. Damn computers and trying to organize them.

So the idea was that I would clean up my favourite files for the internet right? Well, when you can't remember what the hell the link goes to, obviously you look right? Ya don't wanna get rid of something good and have to try and remember what it was and find it again right? So what was the big folder to clean for me? Porn.

Now, I'm not a total pervert here. I have a semi-healthy sex drive. Fact is though that I hardly ever open that folder anymore. I'm finding other things to occupy my time. And exactly how many damn pay sites are there out there that have reoccuring payment plans? Ain't that just a crock?! Not to mention that for some of them I needed on of those AVS things that I refuse to pay for. Hell, I don't pay for the pay porn sites either. So, an entire afternoon deciding whether or not to get rid of porn sites. Needless to say, it got me a bit pent up. Next thing I know there was the neighbor's cat screaming in pleasure on the floor while really happened was that time (remember how I said I needed to keep this cut and dried?) got away from me. The internet is a vacume I tell ya. It's true.

So, the skinny on what's going on lately for me? It's been almost a week of no Ben showing up for his morning coffee or juice. I'm starting to wonder if he accidentally found this site and was so appauled that I was interested in him that he just stopped coming in. Actually I had the wierd feeling the last time I saw him that he had found a boyfriend. I don't know why, but my gut feelings have been some of my best friends for a while. So....goodbye Ben, it was nice fantasizing that maybe I had a snowballs chance in the depths of the 5th level of Hell with ya. NEXT?! (yeah right....I'd be lucky to have someone drag their friend in to meet me lately!)

And the class? Well, I'm supposed to be reading about how to write a 5 page play. I rested on my laurels yesterday and then fucked up today with the time thing, so I have major work to do this week. Guess I'm gonna be typing like a madman for the next couple of days.

And that's about it...worked today...was actualy awake while doing so (and why can't that happen when I work with my boss dammit?), and it's getting warm for Cali. I hear that we're going to be up in the 90's inland soon. Summer has arrived and I need to buy a fan!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Hal A. Luya

Woo hoo! Finally got a couple of comments. Boy I'm on a roll today then. I got home, to a clean studio which freaked me a little although I knew I had cleaned it, and hit the computer. It's a bad habit I'm finding actually, I should just lay down, grab a little nap, get up and do all I have to do then but....I'm a creature of habit. No, I don't wear a habit, but I did in a production of Comedy of Errors where I played the Abbess of Ephysus. Don't ask, althought it was funny.

So where was I? Ah, the computer. I checked mail, nothing terribly exicting so I decided to head over and see if my play was graded yet. My Prof. liked it! After 4 rewrites and several sessions of mental hair pulling, I apparently got it right. Talk about a load off my mind. Being somewhat of a perfectionist, I wanted my vision of the play without much compromise. Woop, there it was, 100 out of 100! Now I just have to suffer through a 5 page play by the end of this week. I think I have a great idea for one but I'll save that for the writing and we'll see.

Now? I'm shit tired and should be in bed but it seems that a fair number of folks come back here to see if I'm still alive and what I may say. I thought about saying Blowjob to see if that increased the reader base, or something about masturbation techniques, but that's not really my style. (either hand works just as well folks)

So that leaves us where we started sort of. What to say? I actually was pondering this a few minutes ago when I was finishing watching a movie. The film started out strong but lost me towards the end. Oh well..just another late fee.

This is turning into more of a ramble because I'm tired but I was thinkinga bout the fun I had last night with Doll and James and just sitting eating with them. It seems like I never see my old theatre friends, and when I do, I realize that I'm stupid for not trying to get together with them more. Hell, these are the people I worked with, laughed with, cried with, and bitched with for over 10 years of my life! That's a long friggin time in the scheme of things.

We used to have rehearsals and then go to Denny's, or Fridays and sit around eating appetisers, sipping coffee and sodas and playing a lame trivia game at Fridays until roughly midnight, then go home. We'd talk about the show, other actors, films, books, music, life, whatever hit us. I miss that more than I can say. These are the people who have seen me at my absolute worst, and still love me. The ones I can tell the most intimate details of my life to, and they don't judge (or laugh...much). And these are the people that I hardly ever see anymore. Talking to them last night, I realized I miss the wierd scheduals, the rehearsals, the performances, being poor together....just about everything. But I don't want to give up the life I have now. Think it's time to find a way to get them back in my life in a major way (scheduals permitting).

Sigh....another work day tomorrow with the hotty coworker. It would almost be easier if he wasn't also a great guy and really nice. Damn straight men, they make for a great fantasy but a lousy reality! But, it is Tuesday and Friday is the opening of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Better than that, Friday should be payday (we hope). I could use the dosh right about now ..... the funk soul brother....check it out now....ok ok, I'm getting way loopy here so I'm off for the land of trying to sleep whilest my studio hopefully cools off a bit.

Saturday, July 09, 2005


Sigh....another day wasted slightly. I have to have my studio clean by Monday, and I don't mind really, but wasting a weekend usually has to do with my PS2 ya know? Besides, I just started playing Psychonauts and found myself almost falling asleep while playing it at 3 this morning. I'm starting to think that I may just have some odd form of brain damage that says;

You were up at 5:00am, and you did actually eat dinner, so why not play a game until you can't see straight? Go ahead, you don't have to work tomorrow so stay up all night. Hell! Stay up all weekend if you can stay awake!

Yeah, I wonder about my brain. So after doing the picking up, trying to re-organize, and vacuming I have decided I have too must stuff for one, and two I'd like a slightly larger place to live. I do love my studio though. I have my patio with the plants out there. I don't have any other rooms (well except the bathroom and kitchen) to go to when I want to be on the puter or watch a movie. Just....a little more room in my room would be nice about now.

So I turned in my three page play for class today. I had three rewrites on it before I thought I had it where I wanted it. Now it's up to the teacher to tell me if I got there or not. Scary because, whether or not I like it, it's really about if the audience would like it or want to see it. And hell....three pages? Not much room to build characters, have a plot device, etc. Still, I like what I wrote and I stand by it 100%.

Just realizing that I've been almost everyday here writing. Wierd because before, I couldn't be bothered with the previous incarnation (a live journal actually). Could be that this is an easier format to work in.

Oish....ok, if I'm gonna make a showing of either War of the Worlds, Fantastic Four, or Star Wars (yes I'm the one person that still hasn't seen it yet), I should get the rest of this studio into shape a little more because tomorrow is tackling the kitchen and bathroom viciously. No, it's not a complete mess here. There's no body parts laying around festering or anything, just that we have an inspection from the Fire Marshall on the complex Monday and I don't want them to see a messy studio. Not sure if that makes me prissy or not, but hey...who wants to look like the slob they really can be?

Less than two weeks. Next week is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, then the next week I'm older. Jesus I don't even want to think about that birthday shit. So, instead, I'll just focus on my Pulitzer winning plays for class. God I'm a crack up if you hadn't noticed. (ok so I crack me up and if I don't crack you up, well...tell me and I'll be funnier?)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Getting on

As a responce to my previous posting....I have one thing to say to myself, GET OVER IT! Oish. I just finished reworking the play. Ok, so it's only 3 pages but dammit I like the story I'm trying to create and I don't want to let it go this easily. If anything, I'm still a pigheaded bastard at heart.

Sure the comment I got from the one chick really hurt. The next comment was at least constructive. Still, I don't know and I won't know until I hear from other people. I'm taking the lack of comments as a negative at the moment because, when I don't have something nice to say, I won't rip into ya. It's hard though. It's hard to have something that you love run over the coals. So, I get emotional.

I do hate sometimes that I can be this sensative about things. I try and do the "superman" thing and not let them show. I don't like to look weak in front of people generally speaking. I don't cry, or rather I haven't cried in years. I do mean that literally. The scary thing though? Sometimes I want to and I don't think I know how to anymore. Sometimes I need to be weak and I just want there to be a couple of strong arms to wrap around me and let me cry for a while...but that doesn't happen so you learn to lock it up a bit more. Superman must have a shitload of emotional issues tucked neatly away in him ya know? I think that's why I like Marvel characters better in terms of superheros. At least in Marvel, they seem more like real people with real emotions.

So never fear gentle readers, yours truly survived worse tempests in his life and this little one won't kill him. Sometimes I think that if can survive being homeless twice in my life, taking care of my father as he was dying, getting myself straight and pulling myself out of the hell that I had lived in for a year, I think I can survive just about anything. I even survived getting over the one person that I thought was absolutely my soulmate and one true love. Hell, I'm like a cockroach. Until the universe steps down hard enough on me, I'm going to be here.

Now, if anyone wants to offer up their arms for when I need them....let's just say that I'd almost be willing to travel heh.
Feel like I just got slapped in the face on line. I got my first comments on the 3 page play I wrote. The first one stung like a two by four to the jaw. I wanted to flame at the person, but how can I? They were right. It doesn't fit the criteria of what the class is looking for. I feel like I failed miserably, although I like what I wrote and I can see how it could be taken further than just three pages. Just hurts is all. I'm feeling all raw nerved right now and I can't even concentrate on starting another 3 page, or trying a rewrite of the one I have. Why did I take this damn class?

Let's take a good reality check here. Me: 38, single, no dating prospects, more dedicated to work than to my own life, a hermit for the most part. What the hell kind of story do I think I have to tell? Am I creative? Yes. Was I an actor? Yes. Was I good? I have no idea. It's all up to subjective. Do I have creative ideas for stories? Yes, but they don't like coming out of my head very often. They like to sit around there and laugh at me. Do I have any potential at writing? Probably not. Just that simple really.

So where does that leave us? Why did I take this class? My buddy Dan got me all excited about it. I thought I could do this. I thought it would be easy because I spent over 15 years acting dammit. Now I'm sitting wondering if I should quit, try to rewrite what I already spent a good deal of time on, write something else and if that's the answer then the next question is....what? What story do I have that is compelling enough to be put up on a stage and produced in front of a paying audience? What if what I find interesting is dull and boring to others?

Ya'll don't need to hear me whine. Rule of life? "People don't like to hear about this shit" Thanks for the quote buddy. (long story that I don't feel like relating) I know that there are folks out there reading this, for whatever reason. Right now I don't feel like subjecting you to the mopy me. You don't get to see that until you've become a friend. Then unfortunately you get to hear all the shit, good stuff and the depressive shit.

And still no Ben. I give up. I give up on him and ya know what? That muthafucka will probably show up tomorrow morning for coffee. Everytime I say "enough" that's when he shows it seems. Crushes and romance are a pain in my ass. And I need them desparately to make me remember that I'm still alive and have a heart that can be hurt, broken, elated, tremble. I know that if I ignore him, it won't make any difference to him so...another tear in my beer I suppose *grumble*.

I'm going to be crodgety somewhere else, maybe clean up the studio like I should have been doing rather than wasting my time with this damn play. Fuck it. It's just a class, and just money right? Doesn't make me a bad person. Still, no one likes to feel like they've failed.

Music of the moment : Rufus Wainwright - Go Or Go Ahead. tell it Rufus. I'll be sittin' here with ya. Thank you Selene, Ra, Hectate for the music to sooth us.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

What? A day??

Nerves.....nerves nerves nerves and pins and needles. I finished my first real playwriting assignment. It's a three page play. I thought it was going to be easy but I'm really scared that it's not right yet. Luckily I have until Sunday to fix things. I thought about adding a link here but, I think I want to hear what the comments from the class are first to see if I hit the things we are learning in class.

Work Nice today actually because it wasn't that busy, but busy enough that I didn't get all bored and tired (yes it can happen that you get tired at a coffee shop). Tomorrow is Thursday though. Isn't that just odd? I mean it should be Wendesday or something like that. But, there you is just wierd sometimes. And on the topic of work and people Ben.

I have a bad habit of getting these crushes on people. I mean really bad crushes where I go all fantasyland on myself and see us setting up house. Well, the reality is that I don't think anything is going to be happening here. Another silly schoolboy crush is all. They're the worst though because, since there's no substance to them (like a ghost) it's hard to get through them. It would be a lot easier if you knew it was doomed, or they weren't interested, or thought you looked like Quasimodo. But with a crush? Sometimes it's a secret thing ya know. Touch to get over but I'm starting on my way to. I'm a silly boy sometimes. Tend to go off into the dreamland, but eventually I wind myself back here to reality.

If I were going to be really honest here, I'd talk about being alone more often than I should. Even if I did go out a lot this weekend, I realize that the majority of my time away from work I spend alone. I'm either here on the computer, or watching a movie, or playing games. Now here's the kicker....I am used to it and I don't know what I would do if it were different. What would happen if I had a boyfriend? I mean really? I know that I want one. I want that companion to swim around life with, someone to be there for me, and someone for me to take care of when need be. But, being alone, you realize that you really can be self-sufficient. You can't put your arms around yourself at night, but you can have your teddy bears there (and no laughin dammit!). And of course it gives you lots of time to think, and dream. I think maybe that's lacking in some people's lives.

There's a blog that I read for someone I don't have on my list there. I read his recently and realized that maybe I'm not so bad off the way I am. He's constantly on the go it seems. Drinks with friends, planning his birthday party, going out to clubs, etc. AND, he has a boyfriend. But that go go go? When do you finally just run yourself down? And it sounds more and more to me that he's very into what's "in". Well if that's the way you live when you're with the "in" crowd. I'm not so sure I want to be there. Granted, these blogs are nothing more than tiny snapshots into any person's life. I have no idea what the big picture looks like for him, but I do respect him and think his life sound exciting..if not tiring. Hell, at least he's got the boyfriend thing going ya know? (I hear that requires one actually going out and meeting folks but I have heard those rumors before)

So....a little work here for the shop. Got a new cake in today. Really tasty thing called a Cherry Crumble Pie. Had a taste of it and it's not as nastily sweet as most "cherry pies". No! This thing is maybe an 1.5" thick with a crumbly top on it and has delicious tart cherries inside. It's actually mostly the filling. Well, I liked it. Now I just have to make a sign so folks know we have it. (my thought is that if they read about it, they will eat) So after I finish that...I think I will play a game. Been a while and I finished Batman so I'm on to Psychonauts. We'll see though. I still have to clean the studio by Monday. May just eat and watch a vid, and check my mail cause I'm anal that way.

Huh-huh I said....anal. Huh-huh I just saw this on a friend's LJ and had to steal it cause I thought it was cool and I got one of my favourite races! and the Irish/Scots...

People may think of you as being mystical, but you can also kick butt.  Your civilization is the Celts; perhaps it is that you prefer roving chiefdoms over a rigid empire, or maybe
People may think of the Celts as being mystical,
but they also kicked butt. Perhaps it is that
you prefer roving chiefdoms over a rigid
empire, or maybe you just enjoy the fancy knot

What is your ancient civilization?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Damn nation

Damn damn damn and DAMN! I came home today a bit tired afterwork and immediately got on the phone with J to talk about the money he owes me. He doesn't have the ability to pay any of it back. I won't go into that, well maybe later I will but...So around 4 after finishing up some emails I decided to lay down. Right...great idea. I had 2 hours and I would be back up and get my laundry to the mat and have dinner and work on my play and....I woke up at 8pm. Nothing. Nothing done! I have to have my studio clean by Monday and a 3 page play by Sunday at 11:30pm and I got absolutely NOTHING accomplished this afternoon. sigh.

The three day weekend was great though. I have to say that. I saw Land of the Dead on Friday night (mmm Zombies), lazed around a bit on Saturday and eventually got back here and finished my homework and I have no clue what I did on Saturday night now. Sunday came and I wound up going to my friend's housewarming party. I thought, "Ack...lots of people I don't know. Maybe I'll just stay like 30 minutes and bow out gracefully." Yeah shaw! I was there til around 2am having fun and laughing with old friends I haven't seen in forever. The there was the 4th. Oh dear....

So it was going to be a nice easy day. It would have been if my coworkers on Sunday hadn't done such a bad job of closing the shop. What was I doing at work on Monday? Orders were due today for our milk and I had to go to Costco since I didn't Monday. I walked in to find that someone had left a note of the things that hadn't been done. It was...LONG. My boss was livid actually. I wound up at work for around an hour fixing stuff so that I could open with ease today. Glad I did to, but that's to come. So after getting my list together (which takes about 15 minutes), I guess it was 45 minutes of bringing milk forwards to the front, re-organizing the freezer, doing some grinding so I actually had coffee to brew, and other annoying tasks. My boss showed up as I was doing this and we chatted about it for a minute or so. He left shortly after I did but that was around 1pm. I came home with all good intentions of doing some work on the studio. The computer got in the way. I did find out that my Prof. liked my play beginnings but I forgot to put what the tension level of the scenes were and so I was docked around 3-6points for that. Other than that I would have had an "A". I'm pretty pleased. Then it was the BBQ at Dan and Hawley's place followed by fireworks. Now I was tired. The bad part? At 10:30 last night I realized I hadn't done a drawer for this morning so back to the shop. Yup...I got to bed around midnight and was up at 5:30 this morning.

So that was the reason for the nap that I didn't intend to take but now it's 9 and I'm just about to get around to eating. This may or may not wake me up for the next couple of hours. Not a good thing when you're up at the ass crack of dawn every morning. Then in reading emails and such the like on the net, I think I may have inadvertantly offended a friend. Plan on emailing them and appologising. I hate it when my mouth/fingers go flying before I engage my brain.

And I have a dirty mind. I realize this. It's not like I think of sex 24-7, I just revel sometimes in the bad puns and naughty images my brain produces for me. They make me giggle in a wicked way at times. Well, and it doesn't help that my friends housewarming party was filled with comments like, "Jeez got two midgets under there or something?" referring to her breasts. It's theatre talk. We're a nasty bunch but that's how we play around with one another. At work, I think nasty things and I don't say them. Sometimes I think erotic things and I definately don't say them.

Well this is a long one folks (snicker). Work today...Ben. I'm still attracted to him dammit. It's getting old though, but what can you do? Is it a crush? Is it lust? I have no idea. And the man is just clueless I think. I swear I could whip it out, and say, "I would cut this off to go out with you." and he still wouldn't get it. But, there he was and not very talkative. Asked him why he didn't get any coffee this morning (that man and his juice), and he said he didn't feel that he needed the boost. WARNING WILL ROBINSON! My Spidey sense tingled an I thought, "You have a boyfriend now, or you're dating someone now aren't you?" I'm pathetic when it comes to love. I'm a sucker and I get sucker punched all the time. I hate it, but, it's the only game in town.

So, rather than doing actual work, I think I'm gonna do some mailing, eat my burrito, and watch a movie and try not to think about being a sucka. Fun weekend but I wound up paying for it.

WOOO! Just looked at my mail and I have my tickets for Best of Broadway now! I'm going to see Wicked next month on the 13th and I could pee all over the carpet like a chihuaha in heat! I don't normally get out much but this was my big present to me. I'm going baby! I'm going!

I'm so excited I'm gonna hold my breath til I'm gay!

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Working Class Superhero

I feel like doing a little dance. My homework for this week is done, I have at least two good ideas for plays (next assignment is a 3 page and a 5 page play), and I have nothing more to do tomorrow than go to a friend's housewarming party. Life is pretty dern good. Now if I could just get someone else to come over and clean my studio, I'd be a happy camper.

Ya ever noticed that you start with such grand intentions such as, "I'm going to get organized" and it all just comes down to "Hm...I should really clean up" eventually? Well, that's me. I live in organized chaos. I don't always know exactly where the cd I want to play is, but I have a good idea of what pile of cds it's in. Same for dvds. The funny thing that I've really tried to get organized. I mean, really, I have. Just always seems that eventually I wind up being lazy again and it all goes to hell. The only thing that seems to stay regulated are my books because they just sit there on the shelves. Mostly their collections that I've already read. My graphic novels on the other hand, are getting out of hand.

I like comic books. I like superheros. I really dig most Marvel heros because they seem like they were normal shmoes that had something happen to them and *Bamph* they're suddenly superheros trying to figure out their lives. Well hell's bells, isn't that most of us? They just have a few added problems to deal with (like supervillians). The only person that I think really celibrated the common man was John Lennon. Working Class Hero is what I want to be. Right on John. Seems that too often we're hooked into the "get the money and move up". Well while you're moving up, there's gotta be someone there to serve you that latte you're paying $2.50 for. Luckily for me, most of my regulars at the shop are more like friends. There's only a couple of times I feel that certain people look down on me, or treat me like a servant or lesser than.

I guess we'd all like to be extraordinary to some extent. Maybe that's why we dig on superheros. Who wouldn't want to Bamph like Kurt, crawl up walls like Peter, have a ring that creates whatever you think of like Kyle? Truth is that, for the most part, we're all just milling about like zombie lookin for the next meal. Ok, so I recently saw Land of the Dead and Zombies are on my mind a little. Good film, nice commentary on society. My point though is that perhaps we really are all extraordinary to some extent. To some people, my acting ability is beyond what they think they can do. For me, people that can program computers is beyond my skills. We're all someone else's superhero, just with rather limitted powers.

4th of July coming up on Monday and I will be sleeping, eating, sleeping again possibly, playing videogames, cleaning the studio, sleeping (do you see the trend?) and trying really hard not to think about the 5th when it's back to work. After working almost 12 days straight, this holiday couldn't come fast enough. And watching Live8? Hell, I don't even have cable. In one sense, who cares? I spent the day writing, then hanging out with James and talking for a couple of hours. Better than sitting infront of the tube all day. On the other hand, I do hope that it raises the conciousness that it needs to in reguards to Africa and other countries that are in need of help.

Maybe tomorrow I'll actually write about the history of me. Either that or I'll come up with some wacky Q&A type thing. Gotta keep y'all guessing. Ya never know what a superhero will do you?

*B A M P H F*

Much silliness

What kind of disease are you?


shadowmichael is caused by monkeys.

An infection of shadowmichael will cause you to become a Jedi.
The only cure for shadowmichael is to paint everything you own a bright hot pink. This includes family members, small children, and pets.

Ok...I really have to get down to homework now.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Working for the weekend

Think my eyes are gonna bleed out of my skull today. I am so glad that it's the weekend, and a long one for me. One extra day off! WOO! I need it after today. Plus I need to finish up my homework. I'm starting to wonder what I got myself into with this online playwriting class. There's a lot of writing (well obviously..duh), but I never thought about that.

So the joys of my job. Today is Friday, supposed to be my easy day. Let's start at 5:30 and showing up at work. Everything was fine. I got everything ready and set to open. The cd I made started skipping on track but hey, no big deal right? I start setting out outside tables up and one of my morning customers is hanging around waiting for me to put out the chairs. I swear I thought about throttling him. Hm. Not normal for me but ok, just deal with it right?

6:25 and the doors are open. Couple of regular customers. Music playing. Me trying to wake myself out of a stupor a little more with coffee. No big deal, just regular "I'm tired" beginnings. My coworker shows up on time, sits for a while before clocking in. Now they start coming. It's 7 am.

7:15 ish? I find out that I was supposed to have two urns of coffee ready for our neighbor the chiropractor. This is news to me. There isn't any coffee ground up for that purpose, and there is no note to tell me about it. We're supposed to have it ready by 7:30 for them. Okaaaay. *grimace* I grind like a madman, clean the urns, start brewing. Customers are starting to form a line by this time. I have to make sure that the coffee for the shop is full, make drinks, and try and be pleasant.

7:30 and only one urn is ready. Luckily for me they send over a friend of mine and she's really sweet about taking only one for the time being. Now there are MORE customers lining up. What the hell is going on here? It's a Friday for god's sake! They never line up like this this early. More taking care of customers, trying to get bagels, etc ready, taking orders, making drinks.....normal stuff but it's picking up already at 7:30!

The rest of the day was on and off lines, somewhat rude customers, me and my coworker Brian being slightly bitchy because we have no time to actually woof anything down, or really have a cup for ourselves. This was the rest of the day basically. It seemed that all the normally rude customers (yup you heard that right) were even more annoying and on top of that, it was bloody hot already behind the bar. What folks out in the cafe don't know is that we Baristas have to put up with the heat from our Espresso machine, the heat being pushed out from our fridge unit directly behind us, and the heat from the icemaker which is also behind us. Luckily, no one closed the doors (which they tend to do) that I left open in hopes of having a breeze of any sort come through.

Now, I'm tired. I drank a Diet Coke stupidly which means I'm tired and awake. I had a cookie for breakfast because it was sitting there and I was starving. So, caffine and sugar have been my breakfast and lunch today. What did I find when I get home? Note from the landlord explaining that the Fire Department is going to be making an inspection on the 11th and to have the inside and outside clean for them so they don't have to re-inspect. Well right now I have a messy studio and I don't want them coming in. Actually I don't like the idea of anyone being in here when I'm not here. Bothers me.

So my plans for the weekend? Cleaning up in here, and finding somewhere to put my gay porn so I don't embarrass myself or anyone else on the 11th. Finish my homework and try and get a head start on next week's assignments. Go to a friend's anniversary/housewarming part. Try and find some time to have a life.

When it rains, it POURS! Instead of working on anything, I am going to take a much deserved nap I think. After that I will go out and find food (actual food), and maybe take in Land Of The Dead cause I deserve to see other folks get eaten alive. hehe Boy I crack me up still. *grin*