Feel like I just got slapped in the face on line. I got my first comments on the 3 page play I wrote. The first one stung like a two by four to the jaw. I wanted to flame at the person, but how can I? They were right. It doesn't fit the criteria of what the class is looking for. I feel like I failed miserably, although I like what I wrote and I can see how it could be taken further than just three pages. Just hurts is all. I'm feeling all raw nerved right now and I can't even concentrate on starting another 3 page, or trying a rewrite of the one I have. Why did I take this damn class?

Let's take a good reality check here. Me: 38, single, no dating prospects, more dedicated to work than to my own life, a hermit for the most part. What the hell kind of story do I think I have to tell? Am I creative? Yes. Was I an actor? Yes. Was I good? I have no idea. It's all up to subjective. Do I have creative ideas for stories? Yes, but they don't like coming out of my head very often. They like to sit around there and laugh at me. Do I have any potential at writing? Probably not. Just that simple really.

So where does that leave us? Why did I take this class? My buddy Dan got me all excited about it. I thought I could do this. I thought it would be easy because I spent over 15 years acting dammit. Now I'm sitting wondering if I should quit, try to rewrite what I already spent a good deal of time on, write something else and if that's the answer then the next question is....what? What story do I have that is compelling enough to be put up on a stage and produced in front of a paying audience? What if what I find interesting is dull and boring to others?

Ya'll don't need to hear me whine. Rule of life? "People don't like to hear about this shit" Thanks for the quote buddy. (long story that I don't feel like relating) I know that there are folks out there reading this, for whatever reason. Right now I don't feel like subjecting you to the mopy me. You don't get to see that until you've become a friend. Then unfortunately you get to hear all the shit, good stuff and the depressive shit.

And still no Ben. I give up. I give up on him and ya know what? That muthafucka will probably show up tomorrow morning for coffee. Everytime I say "enough" that's when he shows it seems. Crushes and romance are a pain in my ass. And I need them desparately to make me remember that I'm still alive and have a heart that can be hurt, broken, elated, tremble. I know that if I ignore him, it won't make any difference to him so...another tear in my beer I suppose *grumble*.

I'm going to be crodgety somewhere else, maybe clean up the studio like I should have been doing rather than wasting my time with this damn play. Fuck it. It's just a class, and just money right? Doesn't make me a bad person. Still, no one likes to feel like they've failed.

Music of the moment : Rufus Wainwright - Go Or Go Ahead. Yeah...you tell it Rufus. I'll be sittin' here with ya. Thank you Selene, Ra, Hectate for the music to sooth us.