Sunday, November 27, 2011

Wondering if I am just selfish

Christmas time is officially here in three days time. Almost December and I have at least had an idea what to get those I am going to give gifts to. Let us hope that I have the money to buy them, and the money to ship some of them. But it makes me think about what I will NOT get this year, or next, or the next from anyone. It is the season to be giving and I try and do that with love and the money I can afford to spend. Hell, a lot of time I get myself in a bit of financial hot water over Christmas trinkets for people. Why? Because I love them and I want to give them something wonderful.

But that little piece of jealousy creeps in every year and it gets harder and harder to ignore it sometimes. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for whatever gift I get from people, but it's a sense of melancholia when I see boyfriends and girlfriends lavish their others. When husbands give wives a new Ipad, and I get a couple of books. Where is the person that is supposed to lavish me with an Xbox 360 that I would never imagined anyone getting me? Well, they aren't there and so I wind up feeling alone and bitter and then selfish.

I've lived for at least 8 years alone now, by myself in a studio apartment. There is no cat. There is no roommate. Just me and the space and my movies to keep me company (and of course my friends who I talk with on the phone). I don't really have room for a Christmas tree, but I'm trying to make room this year because I need that. I need to feel like I'm not outside looking in anymore. But I'm selfish. I know I am to some degree. I crave what I cannot have and it makes me bitter at times. The thoughts of "why not me?" have been constant for a long time now. And I understand why people say "It's enough to drive a man to drink." although I'm too anal to go down that road really. Too obsessed with the fact that I'm the "responsible" one and at the same time dying to not be.

For the majority, all my friends are already in a relationship with someone one, or married. I keep wondering, why not me? Where is mine? And maybe that's why I don't have one, a relationship...too greedy for it. I simply have to have faith that somewhere, the man I'm looking so hard to find is out there. I don't give a damn if we're both poor as church mice. We'd be poor together, and as long as we were/are in love with each other....then we're two against the world instead of just the "friend" who is loved and gets his Christmas presents....but still feels slightly outside no matter how much we care about each other.

I don't know if that's wrong or not. I don't know if I really AM selfish or not for wanting to have someone surprise me with gifts I never imagined. I just know that I always feel a little like the kid looking in at a toy store and knowing that his folks can't afford anything in there. Yeah, I'm the "socks for Christmas" kid in that scenario, but I'll be grateful for the socks anyway. At least I know I was thought of.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


It's been over 4 years now since I wrote here. So many things have changed, so much has happened over the course of time. I forgot what it was like to have a place to put my thoughts.

And how odd is it that with so much change, it feels as if nothing has sometimes. I'm still where I was to some degree. Same place, same job, same life almost. The only things that have changed have been silly items like facebooking and twitter. Watching Glee tonight just reminded me how much I want my life to change for the better. How much I want someone to be there next to me, with me. And how much I don't feel like I fit in even with the gay community.

I know I'm not some 20 year old running out there to find life. I feel like those years were stolen from me in a lot of ways along with parts of my youth. And I'm not sure just who the hell I am sometimes anymore. Which "me" am I? Who does the person I'm dealing with want me to be? Who am I supposed to be and is it even really me at some point. I just know that someone out there wants me for me. It's the only thing I have to keep hoping for, that I'll find that person one day. Silly as it sounds, I saw them in a dream and I know they exist somewhere. I just don't know where.

I wish I was 25 again. Wish I could go back and try and make things better for myself. Wish that I could find the capacity to not be so shy and open up and not feel like I'm a dork whenever I meet someone I think is attractive. But that door is shut. I'm 45 and living in a studio apartment which is all I can afford. And that has to be enough for now.

Sure, I still wait for the knight in shining armor. I still want to be swept off my feet. I still want to be able to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me. I just don't understand how it all works anymore. I know it can happen, and I am still praying that it does happen. Maybe this coming year. Maybe if I'm good to myself, someone else might come along and see me and decide I am what they want too.