Thursday, March 30, 2006

Oh so random Thursday

What a bad camper I am. Here it is Thursday and I haven't posted in a couple of days, and all because time continues to be non-linear for me lately. Nope, I'm not insane (although some might disagree with this statement), it just seems that hours lately have been like seconds for no good reason. I woke up this morning realizing that tomorrow is Friday and it seemed that I had just gone to bed on Monday and woke up today. It's all very, very odd to me as well believe me.

So I had a quest of sorts for a new alarm clock. Sounded simple enough to me so I went to Le Target. It's where I had bought my last one and they had maybe 12 models displayed. I finally figured one that would do what I wanted it to do (because i'm picky) only to find there weren't any boxes of them available. "Hm", thinks I, "I guess I'll just have to buy this one that's almost what I want...for $60." I put it back and decided to go to Fry's last night. Same damn thing there. I think the universe is telling me something....or I'm just having a crappy time finding an alarm clock that I like (not to mention one that I like that is in stock!).

So all this consumerism kinda struck me today when I was on the road and noticed a Dodge truck infront of me with four back tires. I mean, come on...I live in the city and unless this guy is really gonna be hauling a lot of stuff around, they probably bought it to just be "cool" or "tough" and the damn thing looked pristine. Do we really need these kinda cars? Do we? I'm happy with my little two door Honda which does great on gas ya know? And I keep seeing Hummers around. My god! If you're gonna drive something that expensive, buy a damn sports car! Oish..boggles my mind. It really really does.

And while I'm randomly blogging away here....a sexy friend of mine posted an HNT picture today which made me realize that a chest man. I know that some folks are "ass" people, some are "buff" folks, but me...I love me a good chest shot. Oh they can be furry or smooth. Just don't buff them out of reason mind ya because then you just look like you're a body builder and you might as well start competing and doing nothing else but working out ya know? I don't care if they're black or white, tan or pale, and that my friends is why I love Spring and Summer so damn much. Guys like to wander around without their shirts on! So I declare this year the year of the chest. Let them pecs fly babies! (and them abs hehe)

Now then, there is a new dark horse on my horizen as we speak here tonight. I've seen him twice now. Two days in a row and the first day it was as random as random could be. I don't know his name yet, but he's probably as tall as me, and has a wicked smile. I'm planning on asking him what his name is tomorrow. Yup...another customer. I do get a "vibe" off this one though. Granted I thought I got a "vibe" off Adam and I was way off base...but this guy looks like he might be close to my age. He even worked in the coffee industry for a while! A lesbian friend of mine suggested wearing something "gay" tomorrow but all I can think of is my hot pink Tshirts that say either; "Tough Guys Wear Pink", "Pink is the new Black", or "All my Black clothes were Dirty". None of those really scream out "Hi there, I'm gay and think that you're cute and would you be interested in possibly having coffee with me sometime so we can get to know one another and possibly if things go right we might even consider dating if you're single and interested." And ya just can't print all that on a Tshirt now can ya?

The world continues to be a confounding place as I try and write this damn meme about the 5 albums that have influenced me. I keep coming up with more and more that have a big significance to me. It's scary how much music can rule my life. It takes me places emotionally, allows my mind to make videos that only I can see, reminds me of people and places..I don't know what I would do without it really. Now here's the real kicker though... I only really listen to it in the car and at work lately. Ok, I have cds that I put in to go to sleep to, but I only really listen to music in the car and what I play at work. I do have a sterio here sitting on the desk, and I have Itunes even. So why the hell don't I turn them on? Well I don't know.

They weekend is here again and I get to try and force myself to do my taxes (thank you Turbotax), come up with cds for folks that I promised long long LONG ago, try and put together a mix cd of dance music for a friend to see if she likes for her wedding reception...and all I can think is that I want to play Resident Evil 4 and/or Xmen Legends II. Sigh...I suppose there should be some laundry this weekend as well. One of these days I'm gonna live in a place with a washer and dryer in the apartment! Still, it's the weekend almost my friends, and time for everyone (well most everyone who only works weekdays) to relax and enjoy life. So, that's my hope for everyone.

Be safe. Be well. Be happy. Be loved

Monday, March 27, 2006


A quick listing of the things that went through my mind today....

What tha...?
Who the hell does she think that....oh never mind.
Why am I doing this?
Isn't it almost over?
How come ...oh never mind.

So that was sort of my day, and the better part of my work day seeing as I started out of bed 15 minutes too late. I hate, I mean HATE having my routine disrupted like that. Throws me off schedual and while I may be a slob here at home, and tend to forget to pay bills on time, don't throw me off my morning schedual.

So, now my brain hurts, and I'm frightened to see what tomorrow brings only because today was relatively quiet at work. You ever notice (those that work in retail) that if you have a good Monday, you're Tuesday sometimes is what your Monday should have been? Granted, I know I have a fair amount of manager stuff to do tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to particularly. And more and more I just sort of don't want to be there, but once I get into the groove and things are going all fast and furious I tend to forget because I simply have to keep up.

Dear Goddess, please please PLEASE won't you just help me find the job I'm supposed to be at that makes me happy and satisfies my wallet and allows me to have those two week vacations I always hear about? Oh...and the occaissional sick day. Hm....actually, how about we just skip all this and gimme the winning Lottery numbers for a massive big win hehe

Well a boy can dream can't he?

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I have no title

This shall be slightly short and sweet, I hope at least as it's a bit late for me. But, there are a few things rattling the old grey cells tonight.

Sometimes I look at myself and I wonder how many people might I be. I'm not saying that I am bi-polar with a split personality, but that the different facets of who I am seem to come out in different situations. For example, last night I went to see Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake. My demeanor was definitely different from the person you would see behind the counter when I'm at work. And oddly, depending on who I am talking to, I seem to find myself becoming a chameleon to some degree. Put me in a room with 10 people from the Bronx, and quiet possibly I'll find myself acting just like them by an hours time. I've wondered if it's a coping mechanism, or is it just too many years in the theatre. I don't have a good answer for that one. I do know this though....

On a cosmic level of things, all things considered, I find myself talking to people differently depending on who it it. I try to find that common ground if you will, and if it means that it pulls a different part of me out, well...I think it actually makes me a better me. Some of my friends I am down right raunchy with. When I'm with the fam, there is no shame. I say some things that even I could blush at in retrospect. And does this mean that I am a "battery" of sorts? Can you actually pull on the energies of other people and ingratiate them into your being? And what happens when you're done? This is why some times things hit me harder than expected I guess.

The Pet Shop Boys have a song called "Too Many People" where they say, "I sometimes feel like I'm too many people at once." Well brothers and sisters, I can definitely relate. And I look on it as a blessing sometimes. I know that there's the goth side of me, the hippy side of me, the serious artist side of me, and probably more that I haven't ever explored really. It does get a bit tiring when it comes to work though because I feel like I have to be what the customers have come to want and expect. Funny that an actor finds himself wanting to simply be himself and then wondering which "himself" he really is from moment to moment.

Swan Lake last night just proved something to me and really seemed to kick this off in my head though. I wanted to be up there doing exactly what they were doing. When I saw the male chorus of swans dancing last night, I knew that I wanted to be dancing that way. I knew that I still want to give that energy that is perpetually trapped inside of me an outlet and to express myself through it. I've often thought about taking up painting again although I'm not very good at it, or trying to form a band because I can sing and sort of play the guitar, or write more although I'm very lazy with it. Why? Because the battery is full. I'm almost afraid that there is no where else to put more, and I'm finding few places to expel that force inside that says "Show them what you got. Show them the raw you." which is how I sometimes view performing.

D and I had a great time last night though. We were both amazed, dazzled, and I for one was in complete and rapt awe of the production. And it's nice to just spend time with someone who knows you so well that things don't need to be spoken at times. I miss both actually. I miss seeing amazing performances, and being with people where I am simply me. I know I'm spending too much time alone here in my little studio, and it's time to go find life again...but in truth I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid I'll fail. I'm afraid of being laughed at. I'm afraid that I'll simply wander around this life and get to the end and find I had done nothing for the world. In short, I'm afraid of being forgotten and common just like everyone else. More fuel to the fire I have to make sure that everyone knows how much they contribute to the world.

I still dream of my own Swan, where ever he is. I dream of a world with more peace in it. I dream of everyone being dealt with fairly. In my heart I know it's possible, but I wish I knew how to make it a reality. Maybe it's simply time to try and tap the cosmos once again in a mighty way and release some energy to make good happen? Nice thought, but I think easier said than done tonight.

Be well my friends. Be safe. Be happy. Be loved.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

What time is it? Huh?

Yeah yeah yeah....still working on the posting about the albums, I know. What can I say, I'm slow sometimes and especially lately.

So the past couple of weeks at work seemed extra busy, and extra chaotic. My boss has been out of town off and on for the last couple of weeks and guess who feels like he has to pick up the slack? Yup...yours truly. I mean hell, I am the morning manager so I have to take care of the business stuff during the day that no one else will. At least I think I'm getting back into the groove of how the waves are now. Lately there has been the switch again (and you can actually tell if you work long enough) as to when we're going to be busy during the mornings. There's a definate "rush" time, and slower periods and they switch all the time. Kinda funny when you learn to notice it...but, they switched again (damn customers) and I think I've found that groove.

It's the weekend I feel like doing fuck all but I have a play to see tonight, and a birthday party for the fam tomorrow. I have one more present to pick up and I think I'm going to be uber lazy and just get it tomorrow because last night I went to bed at 11pm and woke up today at 6am without the alarm. Drives me crazy because all I can do is try and roll over and go back to sleep. So I dozed off and on for a couple of hours and eventually got up at 9 realizing that it really was no use to try and sleep anymore. Just makes me feel all wonky and tired. But, that's how I've been feeling now for almost 2 weeks it seems....wonky and tired.

Having read a friend Live Journal, I realized that perhaps Mercury had gone retrograde within the past month. May not mean much to anyone else but being all pagany...Mercury rules communication and when it goes retro? Communication breakdown. Maybe that's why I had such a time trying to relate these days. I know that something has been out of whack at least.

Now I can hear some of you saying "oh, yeah right...blame it on the moon, or a planet ha ha ha". Well, yeah, I do. My belief system is based on a bunch of paganistic philosophies and ideas. I've gotten laughed at before for it, but it works for me and I do honestly believe in what I follow. I could, of course, turn and laugh at any other religion for not believing in what I believe, but I don't. I just intrensically know that there is more out there than we can ever know about, and that anything is possible.

So, hopefully Mercury will pull out again soon and things will right themselves and finally it will calm down. If it doesn't, well sometimes I think that you might be reading this scrawled in crayon slipped through the crack of my padded cell...but hey, that's life. And, sooner than later, I'll finally get that vacation I'm dreaming of. Sooner or later I'll have the balls to find a new job. Sooner or later I'll maybe meet that guy. And one day, hopefully, I'll find someone to go through life with....or at least to the Toronto Blue Jay's games (where we'll eat hotdogs and hold hands hehe).

So that's that. Maybe tonight after Swan Lake I can try and write/finish writing my album list. Don't hold yer breath though cause all I want to do this weekend is relax. Ya never know though. Maybe Swan Lake will inspire me because it is an all male production! :)

Thursday, March 23, 2006

And there you are

I was suppose to be posting the meme about the albums wasn't I? Well, tonight I'm just not in the mood for the trips down memory lane. Sometimes they are a bit too much to take and send me off, mentally, on darker roads than I want to be travelling.

There is some good news coming from the world recently for me. My friend Philly has had some (my opinion) rather majory surgery and has come through with flying colors. Philly and her partents have been just amazing friends to me, and I know that she'll be 100% in no time. I spoke with her for a little the other night. Same old Philly I'm pleased to say. The good news is that she was up and walking without a cane and this was the evening after her surgery! The woman is a marvel indeed. :)

And, I finally spoke with J the other day as well. I had felt really scared to talk to him. I didn't know if I had pissed him off. I didn't know if he'd want to talk to me actually. In the course of the conversation though, I found that I still have a good friend for all the trouble that I have put myself through. I'm actually going to take his offer of a bit of the money now (they are still in the process of coming up with the remainder) and then collect the rest a little later. While I still have a little intrepidation about dealing with J at the present, I know that it will blow over and sink back into the inky darkness and die away. I suppose that is just the nature of things sometimes, storms come and go on both sides, but the friendship remains.

I saw the enemy the other day in garden. Believe me this is a warrior that I have been fighting with over possibly two years now. His name? Whitefly. They are nasty little buggers. They breed quickly and suck the life out of your plants. They hide under the leaves so you may not even know that they are living there. I hate them. They helped in the killing off of two my dearest babies. (So if you think I'm mad as a hatter for talking about plants this be it. They are my children who I love and nurture) I finally decided to bring in an army to try and combat them. Tonight I introduced Lacewing eggs into the garden. Now the lovely thing about these little flying buggers is that their larva and hungry....hungry for whiteflies and other soft bodies bugaboos. Good thing too because it's starting to warm up out here, and I know how fast they whiteflys can multiply. So, I may have a bunch of lacewings swarming around in a few months and hopefully mating so I can keep my little warriors munching. To hell with pesticides! Nature takes care of it's own.

I had my thoughts lately about simply letting this site die off. I find myself to be rather boring and dull lately. It doesn't make for interesting reading most of the time. I hardly ever seem to have anything of importance to say about being gay, or much else. Today though, I really though about it and realized, this is where I write for me. It's something that my little sister Chryssa had mentioned and I tend forget from time to time. This is my space to voice whatever I feel fit. So, I think I'll keep writing for a while longer and see how I feel about it. Which brings to mind something that strikes me as curious.

I know that I'm not a great commentor, and truthfully, I'm not a comment whore either. So, I started wondering how I became jealous of folks that had so many folks commenting on their sites. Does it mean that they are more "popular"? Am I just that bland? And then it struck me simply doesn't matter. There are folks that will comment, and folks that wont ya know? And, in some odd way, it's like getting a letter in the mail you never expected from a friend. So, whether it's one person, or a million commenting, just knowing that out there in this rather cold void of cyberdom there is someone you pokes their head up to say "Hi, I see you. Just saying Hi" is more than enough.

Maybe I'll try and write about the albums tomorrow. Maybe not, I honestly can't say because it will be a Friday and usually I try and get the hell out of the house that night. Sure, it's only dinner with me and my book of choice (currently a Laurell K Hamilton novel), and probably a pop down to the shop to hang out and chat with folks...but it's out and not cooped up...and it's nice.

Take care my friends. I hope that the world is treating you well, that there's a little bounce in your steps, and just know that there's someone else out here poppin up to wave at ya and say "Hey, I see you. Glad to see you." :)

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Oish...not again

Damnit....I knew I should have saved my draft. Don't ya hate that? You have your post going along nice and easy and do something and delete the whole damn thing.....sigh. Well, this was going to have some random info and a meme that I was tagged with but I think I'm going to have to post the tag tomorrow (sorry Rey but it's pretty complex I'm finding out...sound like I'm going through what you did). So, there's going to be a list tomorrow (maybe later tonight) of my 5 albums why they're your favorite albums of all time, and the memories you have associated with each. Believe me it's taking me longer than expected to actually write this because I got a bit flooded with the memories when I thought about each one....good and bad.

So I got to hang out with Adam this afternoon. He had a project for school and I said that I'd meet up with him and talk to him about the shop and the customers and the staff. Apparently it's for a composition class he's taking (English major), but it was fine by me because I just got to sit next to him and look at him heh. Damn those redheads. I know I've mentioned him before but he's this adorable redhead with a scruffyish bear and a lip piercing (never saw that looking so hot on anyone!). We've chatted a little bit but from opposite sides of the counter. Today I got to really look at him a little closer. Yup, still adorable...beautiful eyes..and I just wanted to say to him, "Dude I'm sure you're probably straight but I think you're one of the sexiest beasts I've ever seen." Didn't though. Ya never know what a straight guy might do in a freak out situation. I did so want to just kiss him once. Just once to see what that lip ring would feel like against my lips. Just once because I think he's so beautiful. Just once.

I do tend to have these insane crushes at work. I doubt that even if Adam was gay that I'd be his type but ya know what? He's nice to me and that goes a long way in my books. Course, my Frenchman didn't come in today, or not while I was working. Him...I just don't know. I get the feeling that the poor boy is pretty clueless about my flirting with him. Now if I'm wrong, well all bets are off and I actually plan on asking both Adam and my French friend to come and have dinner sometime...we'll see if I have the nerve. Although I feel more comfortable about asking Adam. Funny eh? Bad thing is that I think Adam is probably a LOT younger than me although he's probably more mature than me as well hehe.

I was thinking about starting up another blog site. I felt the need recently to write. I don't mean journalize, but write fiction...write bad poetry...write a new play. Just all these ideas come into my head and if I don't get fingers flying on the keyboard here, they seem to dissapate. Sad really because I tend to have them while driving or behind the counter at work.

And ya know, I have big feet. No, seriously. I'm 6'4" and I got size 13 feet. Why is that important? Well I can apparently put not only both my feet in my mouth but I can swallow them up to my damn knees lately. Yup, I have hoof in mouth diseaze. I open my mouth and the wrong words come out and I wind up thinking, "Oh shit...I did it again." or, " they're going to think [blank]", or I just fuck up when I talk lately. So to the people I have tried to communicate with appologies. Maybe after the latest round of lobotomies I will be able to stop being an idiot.

Hm...I have that meme stuck in my brain so, I think I'm just going to give you the listing of the artists and cover the actually meme tomorrow. 5 albums/artist of great relevance to me are:

Bob Dylan
The Swans
Rahsaan Roland Kirk
Tori Amos
Christopher Lawrence and Global Underground.

Now, for those that don't know Rahsaan...oh by all means go and download something by him. If ya don't know Dylan, go look up his lyrics for Positively 4th Street and/or Like A Rolling Stone. The Swans are rather obscure now but they're goth at it's finest perhaps. Tori....ah my little songbird. And Chris Lawrence, and of course the entire Global Underground series...well it's trance babies.

Now it's time to go and watch a little bit of Capote for me. Been waiting for this since I saw it in the theatres. Be safe, Be well! (and we'll keep ya updated on the guys if I see them tomorrow heh)

Monday, March 20, 2006

Ah...mon petit homme's wet here again. Matter of fact there was a little bit of hail again this early afternoon. Funny because I think that the Universe heard me this morning when I ask to have at least no rain until I got back from Costco and had unloaded for the shop. And you guessed it, it happened. Believe me I was pretty exstatic about that because no one helps me unload once I get back to the shop.

And ya know begins again and I'm not talking about the rain. There is a guy. Yup, someone that came into the shop. Well I couldn't help it when I heard his accent. He's French and is an intern here in town. What company I don't know. I do know that he lives close by (ok I actually asked him if he lived here in town). I swear that he told me his name is Midi...but it gets really loud in the shop what with customers, the grinders, the music we play and....well he has a lovely soft voice. Now the hardest part is that he always smiles at me. I know that in Europe, people look you in the eyes when they talk to you. Most folks here in the good ol' US of A, well they seem uncomfortable when you look them in the eyes when you're talking.

Le sigh. Ma couer est .... skippin a beat when I see him. And he has lovely curlyish dark hair, and dark eyes, and that accent. Well I did try talking with him a little in French but apparently mine is rather poor...or I was nervous enough that I couldn't speak up well enough. (it happens ok?! You try and talk to someone you find attractive and see how you speak hehe) But I kinda want to ask him out to dinner. I don't know why because I'm pretty sure he's straight.

See I do assume a lot when I meet someone. Unless that gaydar goes off really hard, I always assume that the guy is straight until told otherwise. So, there ya have it, the wierd netherland situation of trying to figure out the best way to ask someone if they are gay. Course it doesn't really matter mind ya. I would love to just get to know him a little better because I don't know any French men. Always like chatting it up with folks from other lands because there are always interesting perspectives and great new slang to pick up ;)

Hard lately to stop thinking about things such as my impending birthday. (it's not for a few months) More importantly the number of that birthday and what it means to me. Now, my little brother has told me, as other folks have, that age is just a number. I agree with that. I don't act my age and I don't feel my age. Problem is, society is looking (damn them cause I thought I had the curtains drawn) and it dictates certain things to me. Wish I could live up to them but, maybe I don't need to and maybe I just don't want to. My friends accept me as I am, even if I am being the most immature person on the face of the planet. But....part of me wants that dream life, and the guy to come home to, and the "good job", and a little place to call my own...and yeah, maybe kids (if I had a good enough job to support them). Sometimes I think that time is just moving too quickly. It's still non-linear to me. Hell, I didn't even realize that my friend D & H were around 4 months from her delivering the baby! In my mind I found out maybe 2 months ago they were going to have a kid. Scary huh?

Well, that's the skinny. New man of mystery and a lovely French accent as well. Hopefully I can find some way to ask him out, if only for dinner and then we'll see what happens in the course of conversation. But he has that smile....and those looks....and that...le sigh...accent :)

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Hollandish days

I know that on the East Coast, things are probably still rather cold and miserable. It's been wet and rainy out here lately but today, it's a gorgeous day probably around 70 outside and sun sun sun. This is not to rub it in, just an explaination of what I'm about to post.

Now, I like to garden. I like flowers because they give me something to take care of (other than myself which I am still hoping someone else might want to tend and care for heh), and they take patience as well. I planted a rose bush and everyday I look at her and hope that I'll see a little rose bud starting. Alas, not yet, but she is growing I can tell. There's Heliotrope that I'm still tending to trying to get it really take off, Fuscias that have started slightly in the blooming department, Alyssum that is absolutely going crazy right now....and then there's the bulbs..

Maybe back in November I planted a lot of bulbs in a wooden tub that I have. All sort of colors should be popping up within the next month or two for me. Daffodils which will look all buttery yellow, should crop up soon. I've seen their foliage so, it can't be that far off. The one's I am always most excited by though are my tulips (no rude jokes you naughty wicked campers you). There's just something about them that I really like. Deep intense colors and even though they offer up no perfumed aroma, they just amaze me and dazzle me. So, without further ado, I give you the first flowers of this season for me

How could you ever be upset when you come home from a potentially long day at work and see these staring up at you? Well that's why I'm posting them. I can't send them to you all, but at least you get a little bit of them this way. Hopefully you like em.

I'm still working on my idea for a message in a bottle. The more I think about it the more I really like it. Sending out a message to the world (which will be about peace), and hoping that some random person in some other area of the world finds it. Now my dream about this would be that they would take up the mantle and throw a message in a bottle out into the ocean, and little by little, we'd all somehow be brought together all over the world. Sure, it sounds like a pipe dream and my little bottled up message could very well just sink into the ocean, or wash up on the shores of California again and be tossed out with the trash, but I gotta try it. I have to do something because I honestly think that a random act of peace can start something ya know? I haven't worked out the particulars because I still need to see if I can find something to tell me when the tide would be going out, but I'm sure a little googling around will surfice for that.

I guess my major reason for trying this is that, well I want to do something for this world and for the idea that people all over the world are simply people. I can't say that I don't have prejudice. I have my issues with some folks but I'm not a racist. I'm still struggling to be a better person that I have been in the past, but ya know there are just some folks that set ya off not matter how hard ya try. BUT, the concept of peace and spreading that around globally...may sound corny and very 60's hippy of me, but I do believe in it. Hell, if I knew how to get to speak to the U.N., well I have a few things to say to the leaders of the world about peace ya know? Just wish that everyone could see everyone else as simply another human, or person. It's hard for me to do as well but I'm going to keep trying. Everything starts at some random point, be it the "big bang", or someone just saying, "I've had enough and things must change". So, I guess this is really an old issue, but one that needs to be rekindled over and over again until everyone has heard the message.

So....I'm going to send a message, hopefully touch someone somewhere else in the world, and hopefully it will keep growing just like my garden. That way, you'll be able to open your door every morning and smile at what you see. Least, that's still my dream and my hope.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Random...oh so random

My god....I'm so hooked on LOST (thank ya David for the loaner of the dvds) and now I'm not sure what I'm gonna do when I finish watching the last disc. It's not often that I find myself this caught up in a Tv show. For the most part I can take or leave Tv ya know? There's no show on the air currently that I know of that makes me just "have" to watch it. LOST though? Well damn but it's a good ride! Now I have to wait for season 2 to come out? Sigh...two more discs and I'm done with season 1. Guess it's gonna be a long couple of months heheh.

So, oddly enough my friend J called me. Well, he called my home phone (long story short I hardly ever answer that number...yeah I'm a screener) but then aparently hung up without a message. How do I know it was him? Cause he called my cell next. Bad thing was I felt exhausted after work that day and didn't want to talk to anyone. Even if Anthony Rapp, my hubby, called me I doubt that I would have answered that day. So now I am in a wierd netherland. I'm halfway scared to call him back now (cause this was on Tues) because I don't know what to expect from the conversation ya know? I don't deal well with conflict to begin with. Thought about sending him an Email but that just seems silly and high schoolish. Guess I need to just get over myself and the fear and call him. Hopefully even if he's pissed at me, he'll have my money finally. Then, I think it's gonna be paying off bills and putting some into some kinda IRA, or something that will make my money make me money. What's left over..oh yeah baby...I'm finally going to take a little vacation I think!

So my buddy over at Persian Guy (the sexy one hehe) has these great posts about his family tree complete with pictures. I realized recently I don't have any pictures of my family. I think I have some pictures of my mom from when my neice was born about a year ago. I don't have any recent pictures of my nieces and nephew, nor of my brothers. Funny things is while I don't relate to them really...I do want to be able to see them picturewise ya know? I think this stems from the fact that after 10 years now, I have a hard time remember what my dad looked like. Kinda sad actually because I'm sure I used to have pictures of him. A lot of stuff got lost when I was homeless. Lot of family type stuff. Thinking about askin my brother in Texas if he has any extra pictures of pop.

Some reason recently I've been thinking about family in general. Thinking about what's going to happen when the inevitable happens and my mom passes ya know? Now she's not going to go for a long time, this I know. Just wierd thinking about it. I mean, what's going to happen to my relationship with my brothers? Probably all this was brought about by reading Anthony Rapp's memoirs. A lot of it was about Rent but the majority was about him and his family. Just makes me think ya know? Makes me smile in a way too. Ah...the joys of being human. (and sometimes they really aren't that bad I guess heh)

So I wanted to give a shout out to a couple of folks I started reading (or in one case have been reading) cause I really like their blogs. Brad over at Male Feet and HNT down south of me here in Cali. Jared at Comletely Naked who's up North of me (hm...finally I'm in the middle of a manwitch hehe). Go check em out. I think they rock pretty damn hard.

Oish....time for this camper to get himself some dinnerage. Why the hell is it that lately I can't seem to eat before 9pm? Sigh...I gotta find a motivational force to get my ass in gear a little more here at home. At work? Oh yeah babies, ain't nothin but a meatball sandwich there. No problem having motivation when you got a line of customers. Still when I get this down time, it's a little more difficult. Least it's almost Friday. What will I do with it? Hell if I know, but I am thinking about puttering in my garden this weekend if it dries out a little. Thinking about maybe driving down to Santa Cruz with a bottle as well.

Now this is not what you are thinking. I'm not going to the beach to get all messed up on something alcoholic. I want to try an experiment. I want to send a message in a bottle to where ever it may land. The problem is that I don't know how to really get it out to see properly. I mean if I just throw it in the ocean at the beach, it's probably going to just wash back up on shore here in Cali. I want it to go somewhere exotic. I want the message to find it's way somewhere outside of the US. Just have to figure out how to get it to do that. I haven't come up completely with the message but I do know that for the most part, it will be about peace. Can you imagine what it would be like to find an honest to god message in a bottle and it's a message saying something like "This message comes in peace, and wishes the message to be spread." How wacky and cool would that be? Yeah, I'm a wierdo, but I just think it would rock to find something like that.

Ok, off to find food and get a little shut eye (which after sleeping through DOOM this afternoon I hope I can catch hehe)

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Sometimes I think "well?", and sometimes I just don't know

Ah least it's relatively early tonight. Got dinner socked away and waiting. Got a copy of DOOM (yeah ok don't ask because it's probably horrible but I had to know) and Good Night And Good Luck. And here we are. :)

So my friend Jim said something to me in his comment that made me realize how badly I talk about myself sometimes. Well, like I said once before, I beat the living snot out of me and honestly I think it's because I would resent anyone else that was this hard on me. Truthfully, I didn't have a better phrase to use last night. I just felt kinda bad in retrospect to the situation, but I wasn't putting a "tear in my beer" over it. Just realized I thought I was acting poorly.

So, it's Tuesday and one day closer to being paid and still closer yet to St. Patrick's Day (no I will not be out at the bars drinking that night thank you very much). I do love me some holidays. I used to love Easter because me and my pop would go up to the Castro in Sf and there would be all these guys with friggin Easter Bonnets! Oh my god but it was the gayest, greatest thing sometimes. We even saw a drag queen one year with a hat so big that she had to tilt and turn her head to make it through doorways. Wish I had a picture of her because believe me....fierceness was happening. So, for St. Pats I get to pull out my Irish music, cook up the American tradition of Corned Beef (for the lunch special that day) and hopefully pinch all the hot and cute guys that aren't wearing green! (three guesses where I'll be pinching heh)

Been thinking about my blood family lately. Probably because I was watching Six Feet Under (great series!). I guess I should make some sort of attempt to patch things up with all of them. I know I haven't talked with my mom in probably 7 months or something like that. I don't want them to think I don't care...but I just don't really relate to them and their dynamics ya know? I've always envied folks that get a long well with their parents. I mean, my mom did give birth to me and all so I should be a little bit better as her son, but sometimes I just feel like they have their lives and I have mine (or one that i'm trying to build on still). Course there's all that water flowing like a flash flood under the bridges. Maybe I'll surprise her with a call this weekend, but I'm honestly not looking forward to the guilt trip I'm sure she'll lay on me.

So anyone answer me this one? Why do I look forward to the weekend when i don't really do anything exciting with them? Maybe it's just that I don't have to work (which is alwas nice), and I get to sleep in. Don't know really. I always get it in my head that I'll do something really fun and exciting, or go somewhere for the day, or do a project here at home...and I usually slouch off and before I know it, the weekend is gone. But hell, tomorrow is Wenesday which is half-way point (and hump where's the humpable one?) so...Woo Hoo! :)

Think I'm gonna go and eat whilest watching a little of what could be a bloody awful movie.

Monday, March 13, 2006

It's a Mommas and The Poppa's song...

Should be eating dinner and going straight to bed tonight after this morning. Ya know, the weekend actually relaxes me and I get to not think about work for a while and just decompress. Well I must have decompressed a bit too much because my alarm apparently went off and I didn't hear it. Normally, not such a bad thing but I'm the one that opens the shop. I woke up, pulled on my glasses and realized I had about 30 minutes to get to work, brew the coffee up, set up the pastries, put out the tables and open the doors for business. Don't ask how cause I don't know but I made it all happen. (without my own cup of coffee or cigarette that I always have in the morning)

Day went by in a flash today. Before I knew it, it was time for me to do the typical Costco run, but I had to go to the bank as well for my boss. Well, ya know how you just wanna get your work done and run home? Yeah, after all was said and done, I had clocked in almost 8.5 hours I think today. Normal shifts are about 6 hours a piece but being the manager....yup you guessed it, I get all the fun responcibilities that others don't. I can't really complain. I'm the only one there that gets every weekend off. Granted I get up and to the shop usually by around 5:30am too. I don't always mind getting out and running errands but today, I just knew it was going to be a long one. Luckily for me the bank was empty when I went so that went fast, and then Costco actually moved at a decent pace as well and I finally got home probably around 2 this afternoon.

I got to talk with my sister Chryssa today which was an extremely pleasing and unexpected surprise. I don't get to see my family enough, so I revelled in the fact that she called me. Course now I have some evil plans to make happen with her and the rest of the fam. Just naughty, wicked, dirty fun. I know that she reads this from time to time so baby...we need to plan that field trip! (I say we take a measuring tape to make sure they aren't cheating us hehe)

And day is basically done. What do you do when you're finished thinking about work related things? You think about other things. The main thing that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks is this guy that owes me money. I know I must have painted a bleak picture of him and I got to thinking bout that as well.

See J and I have been friends almost since I moved to Cali. He's been there for a lot of things in my life. He really helped me out when I was homeless, both times. The first time he offered up a couch (and believe me that was a much needed comfort for me), and the second time he offered me his advice and was just there for me. I was thinking about all of this and realized...what a piece of shit I am for the message I left him the other night. Yeah, you heard me...I'm the piece of shit. I can't say that I'm no longer worried about getting the money back but how the hell could I have forgotten what he's done for me over the years and get so damn petty about getting my money back? I know that I need to call and appologise for how I left the message on his phone, but I'm not appologising for the content of the message.

Sort of sad when you see people somewhat drifting away from you...or hell, it's probably me doing the drifting here to tell the honest truth. Still, I have a feeling that this is going to alter our relationship to some degree. If not on his end, then on mine.

So I appologise to you J. I doubt you read, or even know where this blog is. But I'm sorry baby.

Other news is that I'm off to the theatre next weekend. Last couple of shows before my subscription runs out. God I'm going to miss it if I'm not able to get another subscription next year. Granted, I want to know what their season is but hey...I've seen some really great theatre this season and for all the money it cost me, it's been SO worth it.

Now, it's time for a little Chinese food....a little episode or three of LOST (damn Dominic is a sexy beast in that show)...a quick shower and shave and then off to bed. Let us hope that I arise with my alarm tomorrow so I don't have to have two panic filled mornings in a row.

Love, Light, PLUR

Friday, March 10, 2006

Ah..the wonderful wet, sounds dirty

Ya ever have one of those days? I don't mean one where you want to rip your hair out and scream and yell, but one of those days where it's over before you knew it and things just seem to go right even if it's still kinda a messed up day? Funny how a thing as little as someone saying something to you can just make your day.

OH MY GOD! I just experienced the greatest, biggest clap of thunder I have ever heard out here in California and I've lived here since '87! It's a wet day here for us. It's been really odd weather as well. It was warm and then the rains came in. It kinda blew in last night, but this morning when I woke up, it was cold cold cold! Matter of fact it was so cold that there was snow on the Santa Cruz mountains which aren't very far from where I live. Getting to work, the sun was coming up in the East, but when I turned to the West there were major black clouds. Well around 9ish or so this morning it started to rain (which I love), then it started to friggin hail! This is actually unheard of here. I have NEVER seen hail in California before. And the day flew by me. It was really pretty busy at work today. Luckily and unluckily for me this really cute guy named Adam came in. Ahh red heads. But, within a few minutes, in walked his female "friend" (not sure if they're a couple or not). Curses but I was right again and he's straight....still....sometimes you gotta take the eye candy where you can get it right? Not to mention he's a really nice guy the little I've been able to chat with him.

So, I found a new picture from the videoshoot. (showing here) You may have to mess with the contrast a little, and I have no idea who took this, but yupper, that was me again as Dr. Shadow! Now if you wanna see more of the production pictures, I happened to sna....borrow this from Atomic Mint's site. (just click on their name and honestly go over there and listen to what they have to listen to. They're not only my friends but the friggin rock! And tell 'em I sent ya hehe) And I spent a fair amount of time talking with the director tonight at the shop. I'm so friggin excited because he's going to slap me down some of the raw footage so I can actually see what it's going to look like when we're done. Looks like I have one more day of shooting around April 15 (easy to remember because of taxes..bleh), and then eventually going in an trying to sync up my voice to the footage. That should be interesting if not possibly infuriating slightly. He has major plans for this though. He's talking putting it in short film festivals. Well, the actor in me sees his ship here if ya know what I mean. Every time I talk to Scott about the video I just get all giddy like a little schoolgirl ;)

I think I'm over the sinus issues/cold/whatever the hell it was. I'm feeling pretty damn perky even though I'm so poor until payday that the church mice took pitty on me and took up a collection hehehe. So, I think it's going to be videogames and a marathon of LOST season 1 on Dvd this weekend. Lucky for me I should be getting the next 3 discs of Season 2 of Six Feet Under so there's some bang for yer buck. Now if it weren't going to be raining I would consider going out for the first bike ride of the year. (I'm trying to get myself to lose 10 pounds) But right now, it looks like it's going to be cold and wet so...videogames (and possibly reorganizing my studio) it is!

Hell, if it warms up a little, I think I'll go play Gene Kelly and do a little "singin' and dancin' in the rain" Have a great weekend folks!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Feeling a bit better...but still wanting to sleep

So here I sit, listening to one of my favourite songs from Rent (Without You) and feeling like I should go to bed soon. Sort of sucks because it's not even 9pm my time and I guess I still have a little getting better to do. I do feel about 85% better today. I wasn't as bitchy and actually managed to laugh a fair amount with my coworkers today. Believe me, this is a massive and major improvement from the last two days when I was absolutely no fun to be around.

I honestly feel I don't say this enough to those you folks, but you are positively the greatest. I draw so much encouragement from all of you my friends. You definately make the hard times easier to get through and for that I am eternally greatful. I know that my Goddess Selene gives me people for specific reasons and, while I don't always understand what they are, I'm rarely unhappy about it. Well there were a couple of guys I could have done without but I'm sure that they were put in my life to teach me something and believe me, I did I learn those lessons! (on the side note, the other Goddess I tend to talk to is Hectate and she sometimes doles out rather harsh lessons about truth and wisdom)

I've been thinking a lot again lately. Mostly about my life and why things happen, and where am I really going. Sometimes it seems like it's a gigantic play and I'm fulfilling a part in this show but I don't know what the ending will be. Sort of like watching a serial drama if you will. Things sometimes don't work out the way I want them to, but hey..that's life I suppose. Mainly what's been on my mind is my friend Jason and how we're rapidly drifting apart. He owes me a large chunk of change and I don't really know what to do about that either. Problem is, if I push the issue too much, I'm going to piss him off and he may not pay it back. If I don't push, he seems to forget, or that's my take on it. He's just not really the same guy that I used to know anymore. I can only equate that to his "boyfriend".

Ya know it seems to me that after a while, you start taking on the character traits of your other. You start doing things you normally wouldn't possibly. I watched my buddy Dan do this. He actually got the good deal out of this situation and I am so friggin proud of him and it only makes me love him more. Jason on the other hand..I just don't know. It's not like he's suddenly become a junky or anything, just he doesn't seem to be the person I once admired as a friend.

That being said, I really want the money back and guess got it, there is nothing in writing to do with this loan I gave him. Guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and call him again. Sadly it's getting to the point where I just don't want to deal with him because he just doesn't seem to care that he owes me this money. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be;For loan oft loses both itself and friend," - Hamlet Act I, Scene iii Well that's making more and more sense to me now. I've already pretty much written my brother off because he apparently doesn't see the need to pay me back what he owes me. (and yes he now has a kid but hey...he still owes me) Maybe this is one of those bad situations where I have a majorly hard lesson to learn about who I do and don't loan money to eh?

Wish there was a mysterious stranger to write about. I have met two seemingly great guys...who are both straight hehe. At least now it just makes me laugh about it. It used to really bother me, but what can ya do eh? At least they're nice guys (and easy on the eyes which always helps to some degree). So ... there's that I suppose. Looking forward to going to see my next couple of shows from Best of Broadway. An all male production of Swan Lake, and a new show with Martin Short called Fame Becomes Me. And, my darlin sister Didi is having her birthday in a couple of days actually. So...birthday party with the family which is always a kicker.

Now, I'm going to woof down a burger, and probably collapse in a bloated heap on my futon and try and watch on more episode of either LOST, or Six Feet Under which I will probably fall asleep watching.

Everyone out there, stay well, stay healthy, stay happy, and stay loved.

Monday, March 06, 2006

How to know you're a bitch

I'm confessing that I am the quite possibly the worst when I'm feeling sick. Well guess what, it's sinus time for me again. That glorious time of year when it's been delightfully warm outside, then comes the cold snap, followed by the rain which brings the warmth which brings my sinus cavity in to full activation apparently.

Ya know, Sixshooter had a really interesting post tonight. He made me realize something as well, which is, do I talk about myself too much? Interesting thought really. I tend to be the listener more than the talker I think. I'm usually the guy that folks go to (well I used to be) when they had problems. I don't mind that in the least actually. Hell, if I could help my friends out...isn't that what you're supposed to do? Point is though, I've been noticing that most people at my work talk a lot about themselves and never seem to ask me about me. Well, seems rather par for the course but still, with feeling poorly right now, apparently I've become the bitch at work to some customers that I usually am really friendly to.

Persian Guy actually got me thinking as well. The thought I got from him was, "where do you go to meet guys other than a club/bar or in chat rooms?" I'm afraid I don't have the answer there. I've struggled with that one for years now. Certainly I've met some nice folks at coffee shops, but, you can't always be sure that they're gay to begin with. And isn't there an adage that has to do with friends introducing you to more people? I mean, I've heard of friends setting other friends up on dates before. Not that outrageous a thought is it? Well, nice thought cause I have yet to experience that one. So where do you go to meet someone? Do you hope that you're going to randomly bump into the man of your dreams on the street? I don't know. Wish I did.

I could go off and whine about life lately, but that's why I haven't written for a while. I sort of decided that it's my damage, and if it gets too much I may write about it but for the most part...I'm just going to deal with it off line. So, having said, just realize I may be emailing some of you more often because when I'm not feeling well I do get bitchy and don't feel like writing.

The one good point is that I heard in April we should finish filming for the video and then it's going to be about recording the dialogue and who knows..maybe by me birthday the video will be finished! Woo! Jeez I need to go make some tea and curl up and sleep now...

Y'all be well damnit! I don't have a chicken in the house to cook soup with and I don't know if I could taste it to make it perfect for ya anyways :)

....oh, and I hope ya all know that I love ya tons.