Friday, April 28, 2006

Thank you Iris

So what do you do when you're feeling rather down and don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone? I turn to music. It's the one place that all my thoughts and pains seem to vanish eventually. I'm more lyrically based than musically. Sometimes, it's just about the words and the way that the singer puts them out there. It's an emotional release if you will. That's where I was last night, feeling all out of sorts, all confused as to how I felt about things. So I turned to a mix cd I had put together to remind me of what's actually important in life.

This is my Bearded Iris that just opened yesterday when I wasn't taking notice of it. I stared at it a lot last night, suddenly seeing how beauty really was there in front of my eyes and I just couldn't, or wouldn't see it. I saw my best friend's son with him, and watched his eyes beam with joy. Same thing as seeing my Iris.

So, I've been thinking about this song a lot today. LIVE is a band that seems to have slipped into obscurity on the radio, but I still love them. This was the song that I keep hearing in my head when I see this flower in my garden.

If you've ever known love
If you've ever known peace
If you've ever known joy
Make sure that you are on time

If you've ever known war
If you've ever known pain
If you've ever said no
Make sure that you are on time
that you are on time
that you are on time
we are on time

For you are the world

For you are the world

For you are the world

For you are the world

If you've ever known love
If you've ever known peace
If you've ever known joy
Make sure that you are on time
You are on time

If you've ever known war
And if you've ever known pain
And if you've ever said no
Make sure that you are on time
you are on time
that you are on time
that you are on time

For you are the world

For you are the world

For you are the world

For you are the world

Fighting, mating, warring
you are all this now

Be aware, not scared
look at me now

I say
You are the world

You are the world

You are the world

I say
You are the world

If you've ever known love
If you've ever known peace
If you've ever known joy
Make sure that you are on time
(from Mental Jewelry, lyrics by Ed Kowalczyk) I took the liberty to write the lyrics as they are sung on the album actually, now how you’ll see them listed in typical lyrics in the liner notes.

Actually their first album is much more impressive to me sometimes than the subsequent albums they put out. Just something in what Ed was trying to say in those songs really reaches me like the other albums haven’t. I’ll still buy the new one in June when it comes out. I missed my opportunity to go and see them a few weeks ago, but that’s ok. They are still out there and I’m sure I’ll see them again.

I don’t know, or have the savy to post the actual song, but if you can find an MP3 of it, give it a listen. Hell, buy the album and just listen to what Ed has to say.

Somehow the world isn’t so tight and cramped anymore. Somehow between sleep and food, the sun and my Irises, the world isn’t so bad. I have beauty, and friends that love me and I love them, and what more can you really need in life? One more parting shot from Ed,

I know that I should think about giving
And think about
Helping out
And think about
Think about living
But I can't seem to rescue myself

Peace Is Now

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I alone (with respect to Ed from LIVE)

There are times that you just want to throw in the towel all together and be done with all the stupid shit that life throws your way ya know? Times when you aren't exactly sure what it is you're supposed to be doing, and more importantly why things haven't actually worked. I sometimes think that if I knew the answers to my why questionings, I could change things in the future...make them work the way I wanted them to, but I know that's not the case.

D & H's ultrasound was today. It took me over and hour to realize that I had just seen the face of their son. (yes they are having a boy) It was a 3-D ultrasound which is a bit surreal and being that I didn't get a chance to really lay down or relax after work was all that more bizzar in some sense. I saw their son smile, saw his hands, his feet, his face. It really is amazing. I know I should be more excited and happy, and partially I am but the honest truth of the matter is that things are going to change again soon and may never be the same. I thought a lot tonight about this whole situation, the child, the relationship I see them have. I know that there are behind the scene apsects I'm not privy to, but I see this relationship of two people that love each other enough to have a kid together. It's something I'll never have. I'll never have a child, and the way that things have been going in my life...I'm not sure I'll ever experience that level of love again.

I know that I would gladly give D my heart even if I weren't dead should he need it. I know that I love him more than I should. I know I can never be that person to him that H is. I sometimes wish that I were straight because I don't see them having to deal with these issues. Worse, I know that deep down, these feelings for D will never completely go away for me. I'm not sure I want them to either because, well just because, I honestly don't know why. I feel like I'm about to lose him after the child is born. No more concerts for a while. Probably few films. He'll have a family. Maybe that's what I really wanted all along. What worse is that I would gladly have one with him but I'm not able to give him what he wants.

K and I talked a bit more today. The more we talk, the more I realize that he'll be a friend in the end. I mean who was I fooling other than me? He is married to a woman, and he has stepkids. I think I just fooled myself and lied to myself for so long that I believed my own hype. Foolish. Foolish hearts and foolish minds that see a smile and become crushed.

It's not that my life is bleak. Far from it. It's not that I don't have people that I love and adore with all my heart and soul. Far from it. It's just hard realizing that things are about to change again and I'm not sure exactly how to deal with it. Usually I would turn inward, drop out of society for a while, hermitize myself. I don't think I can do that because, well, that seems to be the wierd state that I live in once work is done.

Cry me a river, I know, but why is it that every time I meet a guy that I actually really like, honestly think could be a potential boyfriend, someone that lives near me and seems to find me interesting and/or attractive....they are almost always straight? Well I'm a bastard because I don't want second best. I don't want to accept someone just because they may go out with me (with all appologies to the guy from the bookstore). I'll admit it, I'm picky as shit. Course it also doesn't help that I meet amazing people that don't live anywhere near my state here in the US.

I live in the Bay Area, near San Francisco and I can't get a date? The best I can do is find straight guys to fall for because most of the gay ones are annoying to me? Honestly, it's enough to make me consider moving to Canada or something dumb like that.

I know that there is someone out there for me. I know that he's waiting just like I am, and maybe he's dreaming of me just like I'm dreaming of him. I also know I don't need him to make me complete. This doesn't mean though, that I wouldn't like to find him.

I'll get over all this. It may be lack of sleep, lack of food, or just that I care too much about D and I thought I was over all that. But for now....the world just got a little too small for me and I'm feeling squeezed outside again looking in.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ride on that mystery ship

Well yesterday was a blur I must say. Honestly, I don't really recall anything exceptional happening so...guess there wasn't that much to say. Funny how fast the week goes by because here we are at Thursday (almost), and it seems that Monday just happened.

Today though? Well, the news keep getting a little more odd but I have to say the ride is amazing. My life is kinda like being at Disneyland right now. There are interesting rides that I get to go on and they all seem to involve people. Take for example the kinda cute skinny guy from the bookshop *scene cuts to slightly soft focus*

So this guy I've seen around came in again. He works at the bookshop not too far from my shop. He always wears this necklace with rainbow colors made out of metal. He's kinda cute, kinda geeky, long hair and definately skinny. Well, we started talking after I had finished work today. We were talking about videogames and then books when he hits me with something about the gay books he's been reading. Well, that sort of sinks it that he's gay now don't it? heh. The wierd thing is that I didn't know what to do in that situation for once. Do I ask him for his number just because he's gay? Naaaa. I still need to find out his name though. Do I ask him out on a date because I know he's gay? Naaa...seems to wierd in a sense. Still, it could be a viable dating option since he didn't mention boyfriends so... Do you wind up settling for a known commedity simply because you want to go out on a date? I don't know.'s one of those rides that I enjoyed and probably will be going on again.

I'm leaving to finally go home after buying my fizzy water (mmmm...calistoga) when K shows up going into the shop. He stops and wanders my direction. We start chatting a bit and I'm dead tired now and my brain is mush and all I can do is try and hold a conversation. He's got these chest hairs that stick up out of his white undershirt. Is it a "wife beater" I wonder? And there's something about it that seems so sensual and I can't help myself from looking there, just below his neck. That's when I notice that it rode down a bit and I can see what must be a tattoo. of my fetishes, tattoos. We talk Asian horror films for a while and he's telling me about a movie called Suicide Club and at one point grabs my arm in a frenzy of what he was describing. That's when it happens in my mind. I knew then and there that I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him and hug him until the stuffings came out of his ears. Instead, we finished our talk and I went home.

*cut to interior of Shadowmichael's studio*
I'm trying to wake up from an unexpected nap. I had been watching Aeon Flux, or trying to but only saw the first 10 minutes or so of it. My phone is going off. It's lodged in the pocket of my cords that I'm wearing. I'm brain dead and can't get it together enough wakeful-wise to pull it out (the phone thank you!). When I finally revive around 5 mintues later out of my ultimate stupor, I see I have two messages. One is from J just sayin howdy and how was I, and the other? Yup, it was K calling to say Hi and giving me his number in case I wanted to chat sometime.

Now let's review this ride shall we? One: K is married, to a woman at that. Two: K keeps doing things that a "normal" straight man wouldn't necessarily do (and for those of you that have lived as a straight man, please any advice would be helpful) such as saying "I was thinking about you.", and asking me out for drinks/coffee. It's sort of an infuriating ride. It's like the line is extremely long but to get to the ride there are all these great things to do along the way. I just wish I knew but like I said before, I'm gonna ride this one and see where it takes me.

I've been trying to comment back on my comments now and I have to say it's a bit odd sometimes. I usually read them and think about emailing folks to say thanks, or to answer what ever kinda question there may be, etc...but how to keep up is the main question. Once I've written something, I generally don't look at it more than once (or if it appears there are more comments later) or twice ya know? Just takes a bit of getting used to I guess.

Not much really going on other than tomorrow I get to go with D & H to find out the sex of their baby! Kinda exciting to tell the truth. I love them so damn much and I know that I'll be like the doting Uncle since I know that D was an only child and I think that H has a brother? Still...I'm finding myself liking kids more and more lately. The little ones that come into the shop are just so damn cute (for the most part) and I'm still convinced that it's all about the parents when it comes to kids behaving properly.

Since I haven't done this in a while, I just wanna shout out some major love to my little bro Ryan and his sweety Mike , that sexy guy with the killer smile Persian Guy, me buddy Rey who made me jealous by seeing Scissor Sisters, the return of the lovely M'lady to the blogsphere, Brad...and Brad who make me smile, Dean for makin my stomach grumble and my mind ignight, and Martin for commenting when I am a bad camper and haven't said nuthin lately on his site (shame on me!).

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!

Monday, April 24, 2006

And there you go....a Monday

Well it started out as the day from Hell but somewhere along the lines (after work) turned out to be a pretty ok day after all. I don't know why I overslept my alarm but that always puts me in a rather bad mood because I hate being rushed by anything. Then to find out we were running precariously low on milks (remember I work for a coffee shop?)...and then to find out no one had gone to the bank to get change for our safe...and there was still Costco to deal with....yeeeeah. One could say I was a bit of a stress ball. But, after all was said and done, I came home and watched some Cirque and felt much better hehe.

So I had an odd weekend. Went out with Doll and James to dinner on Saturday, wound up doing some cleaning here Saturday as well when I saw them...the aphids. I know, I know, I go on about my flowers and my garden but I really do enjoy it. So, I had the perfect thing to kill them aphids which was? Ladybugs! So I released them and when I went back outside to look at the Gladiola which had the aphid infection....well these pictures sort of say it all. I'm going to try and get them in order so you can see my little Buddha surrounded first....and then pull in.

As you can see.....apparently Ladybugs love Buddha more than they like to eat. It was sort of oddly spiritual when I noticed them all milling about on top of his head. Is it a sign? A blessing? Who knows. Still, I think they are way to funny when you think about it. See how much silliness the universe will give you when you let them?

So, like I said I had a rotten morning but I wanted to post my My Thankful Monday (with thanks to Brad and SmileDragon [damn Dragon, I didn't know which blog of yours to tag!]for coming up with the site and idea). What am I so thankful for on such a bad day as this? Well here's one thing, quite possibly the last of my Tulips for this year. This is the downshot looking at her from above.

And the side view looking at her lovely yellow and reds that will only be more gorgeous when she's fully opened.

That is what I see first thing walking into my little patio garden everyday. For that little piece of beauty, I am exceptionally greatful and thankfull. It calms me, makes me smile, reminds me to take the time to care for things as well as admire the beauty in the little things in life. And I do love my garden.

Plus, I am thankful that I ran into K tonight at the shop. While he may be married, and I may not get that perfect man, K simply had to say "I was thinking of you so I knew I would run into you" to make me feel happy and only slightly giddy. It's nice to know that someone is thinking bout ya (specially if you have a crush on them). I know that there is the 99% chance that all I will get is a friend, but he's such a nice guy that I don't care. The Universe has given me K as a gift (the way I look at it), probably to teach me something, or simply to be another person in my life that seems filled with love and affection. Now that don't come around every day.

What are you thankful for this monday? I'm sure you can come up with at least 1 thing...just 1! If ya do, well hell, write it in your blog and then go tell them at My Thankful Monday. I'm personally interested to see what comes up there. just arrived and I have some new anime to watch thanks to Greencine. So, that's the news from the land of shadows.

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Jeezo...philosophic stuff ahead

I feel like I talk a lot about fluffy stuff on here. Sometimes I hit y'all with some deep shit that's rattling around in my head though. I read a lot of people's sites and for the most part, there is some kind of content there other than, "I did this today" type stuff. Just feeling a bit too vacuous lately in what I've been writing I guess,but that's what's been going on for me. My brain is sometimes like a giant vacume where all the interesting deep thoughts are buried by the stupid stuff that goes on day to day in life.

I was actually thinking about this tonight among other things. How it is that on the weekend, specifically Friday nights when I know I don't have to go to work, my brain calms down enough for me to think better. Now tomorrow, I'll be thinking about nothing and just relaxing, or maybe I'll be thinking even harder about some of this stuff. Fact is that I'm having trouble reconciling my inner world sometimes with the outter world. It's like the world invades my brain and all of the sudden I'm thinking about bills, and taking care of my friends, and what movie do I want to watch and blah blah blah. Then when things finally calm down I find myself realizing I haven't been thinking at all really...just working on what I have do to get by in the world.

K is a good example actually. If ya go back a couple of post, I was massively focussed on the idea of finding a way to spread peace. Then K shows up and it's like the world came and invaded. I realized when I was driving tonight I haven't been working on a project I gave myself to maybe actualize. I know that I'm not the one that is going to bring peace to the entire world, but I can definately do my part ya know? I can try my best to make that happen. Well, K made me realize that I get lost in this world and that it's really hard for me to separate myself and think about two things at once right now. Fact being that K said he was married. That means that I should by all technicalities forget about romance with him....but I'm a helpless romantic and I can't. My day dreams force the bigger issues out and I'm feeling like I'm coming up a little short lately in being the person I want to be.

See, I have a Superman complex. I think I have had it for quite a while actually. When I worked for the theatre, I was; resident sound designer, makeup designer, actor, technical director, stage carpenter, and even director for some of our one acts. That's a lot to put on someone's plate at times but I always made sure that everything was taken care of even if I wasn't. I'd step up to the plate if someone dropped out of a show, or if they needed someone to fill in. I'd be up in the booth to run lights or sound if needed. I pretty much lived at that place for 10 years of my life before I had finally had enough. After 10 years I met someone and started having what I thought was a life. Now, I find myself sort of doing the same Superman thing all over again at the shop. I'm in there twice a day during the week most of the time, sometimes just checking in to make sure things are running smoothly. I order everything except for our green beans. I can sometimes be found there on the weekend hanging out and slipping in behind the counter if they need help. So where do I fit into this equation? Where is the "me" in all of this? Well I just don't know.

This whole post is going in an odd direction from where I started it to go. I was going to talk about how hard religion can be on a person because I see a lot of folks writing about it. I'm not jumpin on the band wagon persey, it's just that I'm not a Christian and therefore, I sometimes feel that it's actually harder to get by religiously. Let me explain. If you were a Jewish person, or a Hindu, Musslim, Sihk, Christian, you have an identity that the world can look to and know what you're about. When you're a pagan, you sometimes get ridiculed for your beliefs. Now, my beliefs are just as valid as anyone elses because religion is about how you relate to the Ultimate Powers. (I'm purposely not using God or Goddess here) It hit me a while back again that whether you call to God, Allah, Ra (my personal male diety) doesn't matter. Why? Because God is God is God no matter what name you may have for it/him/her/them.

When I started on my religious path, it was all about the magik and spells. Well, my path took an interesting turn when I started learning about Buddhism. Then I started seeing how Christianity offers a lot of what I believe in too. It's all about the concept of how you want the world to be, and how you want to treat people, and how you want to live your life. Now, I'm a mutt, using ideology from a lot of different sources. I do still believe in magik. I believe in the Fey, the Sidhe, Ghosts, all of that. Now my basical question is, why would someone else laugh at me for this? Well, because none of the major religions teach about these things. Therefore to a lot of these people, it's stupid childish silliness. Of course they want me to belive that Jesus was God's son and if I don't accept him I'll go to hell? Or that if I dont follow Allah then I am a heathen and should die? ideas of my religion actually never taught that sort of thing. I have nothing against any other religion but I'm feeling oddly out of place again lately because while I can relate to the teachings and ideas, I can't relate to the actual religion. (does that make sense?)

Ok, sorry for the big mental babble here. I guess my point is that, I think it's time that we as a species (not even just a race but a species) need to realize that all that the Universe wants from us it to be good people. God, or whatever you want to call what you worship, has always been one of LOVE. (Hello...I doubt that Jesus ever said "Oh those nasty homosexuals". I think he would have accepted then reguardless because that seems to be his message) So, maybe we should take the time and try and see another religion's point of view? Study a different one for a while and I'm willing to bet you'll wind up seeing similarities you never knew existed. Ok...enough. It's late and I need to unwind my mind here.

"I'll let you be in my dream if I can be in yours." - Bob Dylan

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Alice...I think I found that rabbit of yours

Ok....where did life go so all wonky and sideways again? Did I miss a memo here or something? Are my Dieties just listening a little closer to me lately? Well let me tell ya babies, it's getting pretty interesting.

I don't normally blog when I get home but I wanted to lay this down so I could remember everything sort of. Normal work day but Ben came in and we chatted for a long time. Kinda interesting because while we talked about music, he brought up his boyfriend a couple of times. Thought that was a little odd but only because he'd toss it in as "I really like blahdy blah which was blah blah my boyfriend blah blah" (can't remember exactly how it was used but it seemed really oddly random to me) Still, it was nice to not feel all wierd about it finally.

Then...he came through the door just at a moment when we had died down customerwise. My coworker let me stay at the bar talking for what seemed a Looong time to K. So I found out a few things. He's married. He mentioned his ex-girlfriends in some passing comment about his past. But he stood there talking to me about somewhat philosophical things, his stint as a massage therapist, buddhism, and what else? Well I don't recall. Here's where the world goes sideways though. He's apparently straight right? The whole wife and ex-girlfriend thing kinda tips ya off now don't it? heheh The sideways upsidedown inside-outness was that he asked me if I wanted to grab a drink or coffee with him sometime after he gets off work!

Ok, so it's just a drink, or in our case coffee because neither of us seem to drink that much, but still...there just feels like this major connection between us so far. I don't care if he's straight, I know that this guy is going to be someone possibly important in my life for some reason. It's like I've known him before in a previous life or something. I mean that honestly too. I don't care if folks don't believe in reincarnation or stuff like that because I do. Wondering what his take is because K was talking about trying to get back into Buddhism again.

Well babies...ya can't say that it's boring ya know? So what wierd and wacky thing did I do about all of this? I gave him my phone number. I swear I don't know where this new found outgoingness is coming from but I'm beginning to like it a bit. We'll see if it extends beyond the realm of Mr. K, but damn! This is so not like me. I'm the shy stupid guy that can't speak when he finds someone attractive so I sit in the corner moping because no one is talking to me (because of course I'm mopy hehe). If nothing else, seems like I'll have an interesting friend that I didn't have before. Course, the concept of crushing on your friend is kinda rough at times, but hey gay men....who here hasn't had a crush on a straight friend huh? Price we pay I guess :)

For now

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

oo ack

Well, that was strange. Maybe strange isn't the right word for it. Maybe, bizzar or shocking or even....oh wow. No, I didn't to talk to K yet (damnit). I left my studio to go down to the shop so I could drop stuff on in the mail. When I pulled out there were three cop cars around where I live. Cops always make me a little nervous, even when I haven't done anything wrong so....I didn't want to know who they were visiting, or why. Now mind you I am cat nature so of course my head was spinning a bit with ideas of what had happened. I figured maybe some of the neighbor's kids had finally gotten into trouble.

So I went to Frys and I hadn't actually planned on buying Kingdom Hearts II, but they had it one sale damn them! Oh the pain and agony of having only credit card with me but what's a gamer to do? Yup...I saved maybe 10-15 bucks off the game so I thought it was well worth it. What I had gone down to buy was more blank DVDs so I can back up the computer, but ya know how it goes don't ya? There were those snazzy DVD cases for 8 bucks and I could use them...and of course the labels so I can make cool looking, more money there, and I figured "Oh what the hell I might as well pick up the game guide while I'm spending like a madman." I did. All because I wanted some blank DVDs to back up this beasty here. Le Sigh. Only good thing about all of this is that I should be getting repaid for what I just dumped on my card for the shop! So, now lighter in the pocketbook, I head home.

As I'm walking up to my studio here, I see two cop cars in the drive and my neighbor talking with some other folks. Well, turns out that the neighbor two doors down from me died. Really kinda a wierd thing to find out cause I didn't know him and had only maybe run into him once since he moved in. What makes it worse is that he had pretty much just moved in. Now two doors down on the opposite side of me was the dead man's best friend who I think found him. Talk about a sucky thing to wind up doing, walking in and finding your best friend (or any friend for that matter) dead. I feel like I should do something but, having never really met the guy I don't know what to do ya know? Still, I feel bad partially. I mean he had just moved in maybe a month or two ago ya know? Ack.

And I keep thinking lately about age and getting older. Yup, it's the birthday thing coming up in a few months and I'm not ready completely for this one. I mean sometimes I feel like I should be "acting my age" but I have no idea what that really means anymore. I just act like me so, if that makes me immature (cuase who doesn't like a good fart joke from time to time), so be it. I guess it bothers me because we really are a youth oriented society.

Now, I do have some stuff that I put on my face to moisturize it. I am a bad one for getting my skin all dried out sometimes and so I thought I'd try this stuff right? Well it works well and in the process, those little crinkly lines around my eyes have started to not be so apparent. I thought, "GREAT!" ya know? I mean who doesn't want to look younger? But that's also sad because it sometimes seems to me that gay men age at a much more rapid rate. You're "old" when you in your mid-thirties. Is it just me that sees this? Scares the livin dookey out of me because that means I missed out on all the "golden years". So now, sometimes I feel like a dirty old man when I look at a gorgeous guy that's 18 and have wicked thoughts about them. But it's like it's programmed into us that the younger ones are more attractive (which I know is bullshit but that's the way it feels at times). Granted, K is probably close to my age luckily heh. I wouldn't say no to a romp in the hay with someone that was 18 or in their 20's but I doubt that I would be found attractive to them and I definately don't think I could actually date them. It's bad form to date someone that much prettier than you ;)

My but how I rant and rail sometimes.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Easter bonnets...or maybe just a baseball cap

I wish I knew what had affected my nose tonight. I'm sneezing and conjested. It's really a pain in the ass to tell the truth and it didn't start until after dinner. Can't blame D & H 's cat because I had two cats of my own before. I think it's our wacky California weather actually. Pressures going up and down, rain most of the week with one nice day tossed in, and then it gets cold again (well for me it's kinda cold). Ack! Yeah...happy Easter huh?

Easter is usually spent with D & H but since they are out of town, not sure what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't have any money until Monday and every year I have put together an Easter basket with stupid little toys and some candies for them. I don't know why I do it, I just do because partially it's fun to try and sneak up on their house and drop it on the front porch without them noticing. Sadly, there is no basket this year. So, I think I'm going to leave them some of my Tulips for their Easter suprise. Oh hell, I may go all bat ass crazy and just pull out the credit card...but for now the Tulips will have to do.

Funny but this year marks the 6th year I've known D and it sometimes seems so much longer. It all started with at Valentine's day card, and now look at it. He's going to be a dad in a few months, and after a long time of me being a fool...I have my friend back. Maybe that's why I do the Easter baskets for them. I mean, I do love H a lot. She is truly amazing and if I were straight, that's the kinda girl I'd probably want to be with. She was a customer of mine at the shop for a long time, and I inadvertantly introduced them to each other six years ago. How the hell does time go by so fast? Now, I can't think of one of them without the other, or talk about her without mentioning him ya know? God I love em. Gonna be a whole new ball game though once the kid is here. Kinda makes me a little sad thinking that I'll never had one of my own, but I think I probably make a better Uncle than a father. Sides, I can spoil the kids and then go home hehe.

Speaking of K (which I wasn't yet), he did show up on Friday. Of course, he shows up when we're relatively busy but I did find a decent out to go and fill up the sugar at the coffee bar. So, I got to talk to him a little. He had forgotten to check his calendar, which is a good thing sort of because he was the one that mentioned it, but then it got wierd again. I asked him if he had big plans for the weekend and he said, "Oh, you know...dinner with the in-laws." and twirled his finger as we all do when we want to show a lack of enthusiasm. I didn't know what to say after that. I mean, he doesn't have a ring on his hand so I doubt it's a girlfriend...and why if he had a boyfriend would he accept an invitation for a date? *scratching head* I mean, I did ask him out didn't I? Asked him to go see a play with me and..well he hasn't said no. It just keeps getting a little more confusing.

I've thought a lot about that lately too. If he has a boyfriend, I would hope that he would have told me. Does he think that I'm straight? Does he think that a straight guy just asked him to go see A Chorus Line (hello musical!) with him? I swear I've done everything but say, "You're really cute" to him thus far. I doubt he's that clueless ya know? Unfortunately I didn't get his phone number. I have no way to get ahold of him or talk to him until he shows back up in the shop and it's eating at me a little. Not that crazed stalker way, but just in a sense of wanting to know exactly what I'm getting into ya know? I'm partially not sure what to do about all of this. The one thing I do know is that I'm just gonna keep on plugging along until he does mention a boyfriend and then I know that again it's going to be a "just friends" kinda gig.

On the other hand, there is a guy that started coming in recently but he seems a lot younger than me. Nice enough guy and he works at a philosphic/metaphysical bookstore. Now, granted, a necklace doesn't mean anything these days and what with that annoying "metrosexuality" thing (which oddly really bothers me)...who can say. My sis and brother Chryssa and Dave both think that he's gay though...and he does seem pretty nice and ... well (said with a slightly pained expression to signify that a date with SOMEONE is better than not dating at all). We'll see. I'm done holding my breath over all of this though. I know eventually I'll meet someone, well I have to keep a positive outlook cause .. well cause I have to.

The world is too full of negative stuff ya know? I mean, if you look at the act of writing something, or speaking, or hell even thinking it to's a form of magik. Why? Because you brought something out of the nothingness. The moment your pen (or fingers on a keyboard) make letters appear...well they weren't there before were they? You actually made something physically appear from absolute nothingness. So, with that sort of theory, (and I'm not saying wear rose colored glasses here folks) maybe the whole thinking positive aspect really is an important thing. Sure, you can think "I'm gonna win the lottery.", but it probably won't happen. But the act of thinking that something good is coming....well who knows? Or the act of saying that everything is going to work out alright when it seems the bleakest. Hard act to make happen sometimes.

Course, that brings to mind this whole idea of peace and my personal hope that we'll all one day see each other as just another human being. It's hard to remind myself that sometimes. There are folks that just get under my skin and you try so hard not to dislike them but they make it so easy to dislike them. Yes, I'm still going on about that customer and what he said about my shirt. Why? Not because I'm obessing about what he said, but rather about how I need to change how I deal with him. By keeping this anger towards him...well I'm just creating more negativity. I don't want that. No more friction (well except that good kinda friction ya know heh).

All the wierd things I was taught as a kid and the ones I learned later on in life keep coming back to me. "Love thy neighbor as you would love thyself." from the Christians. "Do as thou wilt as long as it harm none. This is the whole of the law, and the law is Love." from the pagans. "You must learn compassion for everyone. How do you do this? Think of everyone as your mother, because they are." from Buddha. Hard stuff really. Hard to walk that walk when I talk that talk sometimes. Maybe that's why he was the JC and Buddha was the Buddha huh? Hell, I don't know, but they sound like they had it a little bit more together than I do heh. And isn't it funny that both are thousands of years old? Hmmmmmm ;) (not to mention the pagan aspect which predates the JC stuff)

Well Happy Easter y'all. I hope that the Easter Bunny brings you all good stuff. He's probably bringing me a guilt trip because I told my mother I'd call her tomorrow lol! So if some of you get a frantic phone call from me....just talk me down off the skyscraper I'll be standing on and we'll all have a nice Easter day ;)

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

And we're back

Well, and it just gets more interesting now doesn't it? I mean this world always seems to toss ya the oddest curveball...or in my case, fish to the face, at times.

So it's taken me a while to be back on line tonight. Not sure what is going on with my messenger account but I recieved a message from yahoo saying that my account had be reported to them for ... abuse? I mean what's the dealio with that? For those of that I've chatted with on yahoo, you know I'm never on there really. How the hell can I be abusive if I ain't loggin in? Makes ya wonder, so I changed my password. Unfortunately, this also changed some stuff for the DSL that I use throught SBC (is that AT&T again?) and Yahoo so ... anyways, long story short, I'm back up and running.

Still no sign of K today. Kinda bad because I did see him yesterday and said something really stupid. Well, it wasn't really stupid but it was a good stupid and now I need to hear what he has to say about it. asked him out. Ya I know I do you accidently ask someone out? Well, the words just kinda came out of my mouth without me thinking. (apparently when I don't think things go better heh) All I asked was if he would be interested in going to see A Chorus Line with me in July since Dan won't be coming with. He's gonna be kinda busy getting ready to be a father :) So, K was supposed to be in today. He said, "Well, I'll have to check my calendar at home." Didn't sound all that bad to me...but he didn't show today, and if he doesn't show up tomorrow, well I'm stuck until he DOES show back up in the shop. Grr. (cause I was going to ask him for his number since all the other stupid stuff I've done seems to be working for me)

So here's the wierd part of this whole K thing. He likes old Bob Dylan...and well who doesn't? heh But I am a HUGE Bob Dylan fan. He like anime (at least Dragonball Z), and guess what...I like anime. He used to work at a coffee shop, well there ya go cause look where I'm working....all these wierd coincidences ya know? I honestly do feel like this time I am supposed to be taking charge ya know? Well I hope I'm right or I'm gonna make a complete idiot out of myself. Just feels like one of those "go for it" type things that I usually back down from because I'm too chickenshit. So, if he comes in tomorrow...I'm getting a phone number before he leaves! looks like I'm house sitting without knowing it. Well, rather I'm cat sitting this weekend. The good part of this is that I'll have access to a washer and dryer that I don't have to pump change into! Woo hoo! Free laundry! Ok, so maybe it really is the little things that do it for ya sometimes but hey...I'll be able to play videogames and do laundry at the same time and that ain't half bad!

So, I had other stuff to say tonight and I have completely and utterly forgotten it. Isn't that silly? Night of the full moon though, so if you have a chance, go out there and take a look at her. She is always gorgeous, and if you're lookin up tonight, I'm sure I'll see ya up there cause I'll be doing the same.

More tomorrow for ya when I have a brain that functions a bit better....

by the way anyone notice that my Toronto Blue Jays just won two straight games against the Boston Red Sox? Oh I'm laughin here babies...I got a big ol' chuckly smile on my face. (with appologies to the Red Sox fans)

Be safe. Be well. Be loved!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006's hard to remember Buddha nature

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry cause this is going to be partially a venting because of one of my customers today. Yup...someone finally pissed me off royal. I thought (of course hours later) about how to respond to this dick always, it's too late so let's get this party started right?

Ok, so this the amazing shirt that my sis Chryssa and brother Dave made for me. I mean, come one, you think I wouldn't wear it? It's great! The message is apparently text I wrote on my blog (and now I have to go and do a search for it heh). But...I was wearing this today and getting either good humored chuckles at it, or folks telling me how sweet it was (and yes I told them how I got the shirt). So this is the set up for the ending of my shift at work after having been so proud of wearing this:

Ok, so pretty innocuous right? (did I spell that right? hmm) So I had put a button up over it because it's rainy here and I was a little cold but I didn't button the shirt and one of my customers says, "There's a lot of words on there. What's it say?" I proudly display the shirt and say it was a gift. Their responce? "You could have cut out all the other stuff and just left the first line.", which I took to mean "That's so gay." which was not meant in a good way.

Now, does anyone else find this a slap in the face? Anyone else see why I have righteous anger at this man, this little piece of nothing that stood before me? Anyone else think that it was pretty fuckin rude and that in essence he was calling me a fag without saying it? Well I did because I know the prick. I don't have to take that kinda shit in my workplace from anyone be they customers or employees. And don't get me wrong. I have friends that call me fag, or gay boy, or faggot, or homo all the time. Do I get upset? Hells no because I know they don't mean anything by it and it's like an in-joke with us. But this asshole...well believe me I am wearing the shirt again tomorrow and waiting for this shithead to come in.

Now comes the hard part. I really stopped and thought about all this tonight and realized I am pushing SOOOO much negativity over it that it's unreal. I've been talking to folks about unity of people and peace lately and here I am reading to kick this guy's ass? Seems that seeing people for who and what they are, which is just another person, is harder than I thought. Seems I need to learn that lesson too. (I'm still gonna stand up for myself if he says anything though because damnit...I am someone too!)

And what kinda hurts the most about all of this is that I'm tired of the negativity that runs rampent at the shop sometimes. We all seem to sit around complaining there, and where does that lead you? Well, focusses your mind on what's negative and not what you can do to make a difference or a change ya know? Le sigh...

So, for Brad over at Male Feet and HNT , I've decided to finish this post by saying thusly;

I am so greatful for the wonderful friends and family that love me. I'm greatful for the stupid little pleasures like looking at my tulips outside and watching and waiting for my roses to bloom. I'm greatful for those amazing people that can make me see things in a different light, and encourage me to strive for better. Mostly, right now I'm greatful for my chance to try and make the world better if possible...even if it only means me sometimes.

Be safe. Be well. Be loved!

Monday, April 10, 2006

Oh me oh my's Monday

Well hey everybody. Yup, the weekend went by in the flashing of an inkling of a second of a eyelash dropping of a....well you get the point. It was over too soon but I got to get out a little this weekend, even though it was completely unexpected but it was wonderous nonetheless.

So thanks for all the comments on my last post because they actually helped. I wasn't depressed over the subject but more...quizzical about how things work I guess? (does that make sense to anyone but me?) Turns out that your words were the ones I needed to hear to get my brain wrapped around the issue. And to Mr. Alden...well, I hope that someday we'll be back to emailing again.

Friday night was catching me at the coffee shop sitting around jawing it up with some folks I know and one in particular that I've started feeling ??? well I don't know other than a kindredness with. The guy is really amazing to talk to because we tend to discuss things like, "how do you change the world?" and "how do I get myself out of this fog" type stuff. Always really kinda heady but we laugh a lot too. He's a film maker who works a day job because, well let's face it, the arts don't pay well until you're well known or discovered. Still, we have a lot of commanalities lately so it's always interesting talk with him. Boy need to get out and have some fun though because he's more stuck in his head than I am usually!

Saturday night was a whir of being with my sister for dinner and just hanging out and talking. It was one of the best times I have had in a long time because we talked about, really...everything. I can't tell you how many times the conversation jumped tracks but we never lost each other in the train switching. Plus, my fam is just the best. They read the blog here and made me a Tshirt that I'll post a picture of which I'll probably be wearing tomorrow. I couldn't have asked for a better family than the ones I got. And, luckily for me, they also fullfill a spiritual void that I have a lot of times. It seems hard to find fellow pagany folks around here who's company I actually enjoy. Sometimes ya just need a little soul sanctifying. I loves me some of Chryssa and Dave, or Dave and Chryssa hehe. ;)

And then Sunday I found out (after waking up after having been up til 4am because of all the coffee I drank over dinner which started around 10ish) that my cell was disconnected again. I swear I thought I would gonna just friggin kill someone...well maybe not but I was pissed. See, they get ya coming and going with a cell phone because it's a sneaky little device. You grow attached to them and use them more than you think and then...viola, they seem indespensable! So, I just decided to bite the bullet, eat the large overdraft and use my credit card on the bill. Now I have to decide if I'm gonna switch to the next plan up minutes wise which is only $20 more for twice the time...but that's an extra 20 I hadn't really budgetted ya know? But...the videogame portion of the weekend rocked. LOL!

And here we are then. You and I, sitting here staring virtually at each other. (hope ya don't mind I didn't shave for ya) Although I can't see ya on the other end (or can i?) hopefully you're dressed all casually and comfortably after this Monday. Not much happened really for me and there was no sign of K today either (oh bugger!). Finally did get around to finishing my taxes though. And I can't believe that we're at Easter this weekend (another reason to have the phone working so I can call mom...eek!).

But that's the news here in Grover's Corners (kudos to those of you that can identify where Grover's Corners is by the way...if ya can, tell me ;) ), and it's time to cook me up some pork steaks and a little pasta.

Be safe. Be well. Be loved!

Friday, April 07, 2006

I'm an idiot at times

It's a rare mid-day blog. Just had something stuck in my craw if you will and since I didn't know what to do with it, I figured I'd air it out a bit and maybe it would resolve itself for me.

I sometimes feel like I have done something wrong and don't know what it may have been. Feel like I come across all wrong sometimes and that drives folks away when all I really want to do is see if I can help. Now I know that in general, people just don't seem to do that. People don't just up and see if there's a way to help someone else get over a bad time or whatever. I do. I think I always have actually. I've been the "councilor" to so many of my friends over the years that I had actually thought about trying to get into being a therapist. Guess I'm a good listener or something and I actually do try and put myself in other people shoes to see if I could find a way to help them with whatever might be wrong. But I think I sometimes come across too strong on that aspect and it makes me feel like I push some folks away or frighten them.

Here's the deal, I'm actually one of the stupid people that grows attached to folks just by reading their blogs. Yup....dumb eh? You get a sense of someone reading what they write for the world to see. You see aspects of their personalities, and I think I'm a good judge of character as well from what I read. It's not like characters in a play where when the show is over it's all tied up nicely and neatly. It's their lives (and mine as well here) with all the nasty strings that come with it. I don't like to see folks hurting, and so when I read someone's site and they seem to be having a rough time of it, I try to give them words of encouragement or maybe tell them if they want to talk I'd listen.

The other side of this is that I'm actually somewhat easy to get hurt by things. I think we all know that we as people all want to be cared for, loved, liked, whatever. I've taken my share of slightings over the years and have a pretty decent rough shell built up for the public to see...but inside I'm soft and mushy and sometimes that little kid that doesn't get why no one wants to play with him at recess.

I guess what's really bothering me is that I don't know if I am doing something wrong, or freaking folks out by trying to reach out. I thought that was what we were supposed to do ya know? I mean isn't it? I don't do that for everyone mind you. There are folks (well customers actually) that I almost don't give a rat's ass about. Guess it's just hard when you stick out your hand to try and do something and find...they don't want to grab it. And yeah, it kinda hurts sometimes, but hey...that's life (or so I tell myself).

So, for all you folks that reach back out through the void and through the frey, thank ya. It's the little connections that make the world a smaller place and sometimes less scary. I'm still gonna be stupid and put my hand out. I know that for a fact. It's just in my nature, and I'm sure I'm gonna find that hand hitting an empty void from time to time, but I'll be damned if I stop trying.

Now if I could just figure out why sometimes I feel like I've done a bad thing by doing this sometimes.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Oh..oh my...

What a very odd day. There was a show on the WB a while back called The Surreal Life. They paired up a bunch of psuedo-has been stars and made them live together ala The Real World. I used to try and catch it from time to time because it was actually pretty amusing to see Ron Jeremy living with Tammy Fay Baker (and Corey Feldman AND Vanilla Ice!). Today was sort of a chapter of the new hit Tv show (with all due respect to an 80's show I loved) called My So Called Surreal Life.

I got up and went my merry way to work, getting myself ready for whatever the day could possibly bring me. And what was that in the sky I saw? BLUE! Sunshine! Where the hell did that come from? There was no rain to be seen today, plus it was a bit chilly. And work began...

My friends Owen and Amadeo come wandering in, which was a bit unusual. So I say "Hey Owen, what are you doing here at this hour?"
"Dead body on the tain tracks."

"Yeah dude, I was going to catch the South bound train but there's a dead body on the tracks."
"You're kidding me."
"Nope. She had a nicely manicured hand."

"You saw it?"
"Kinda fuckin hard not to. I looked and saw a body covered with a sheet, and there was the hand over there, and blood, and bones, and guts."

So there's part of the start of my day. This caused major train problems for us (Caltrain runs from San Jose up to San Francisco) here and it was right down at the downtown station....3 blocks away. Then came the sound of the helicopters (more than likely reporters) and people were trickling in. The day keeps going. Phone calls from hell with bad reception on our end. Luckily no bitchy customers though...and then...

As I'm getting ready to start doing dishes, taking care of my orders since the second shift had come in, in walked K. I finally got a bit of a chance to talk to him since there were 4 of us work at that time. Well...I don't know still, but he was asking questions about me so, I take that as a sort of good sign. Hopefully he'll be in tomorrow. Turned out that he was on the train from up North and had been stuck (basically) for around 2 hours because of the "accident" here at our station. And, he said that basically he'd been running late all week and that's why he hadn't come in before now.

Ok, I'm not going to put all the eggs in one basket here folks but this is the first time since Ben that I've found myself interested in a guy around these parts. Better part is that I think he's interested in me but that's still a mystery (as is if he's single and gay but I think that the latter isn't really in question..of course I've been known to be wrong). Where is this going to go? Who knows, but I do hope that I can at least convince this guy to come out and have some coffee with me (unlike Ben grrrrr).

Then I jaunted to Costco for the shop. Nothing too surreal there but the zombies were in full effect. The zombies are the lovely customers who push their cart left while looking at something on their right. They meander at a pace straight out of one of Romero's Dead films. They leave their carts in the middle of everything to feed...and boy howdy do they feed. People that don't need to be "sampling" food items are makin a bee line for it! (and subsequently letting their cart block everything...or their children) Now maybe I'm making it sound worse than it really is but when I get in there, I'm still on the clock. I want in and out of there because after I'm done with the shopping, I get to go home. Oh those wacky zombies...

And finally it was homeward bound to watch what turned out to be a horrible movie. I wish I had Netflix'd it instead of renting it but it had the kid from one of my fav little unseen films Gypsy 83. Sure, he had his shirt off during a large portion of the film, and there was a wierd masturbation scene which I swear was NOT simulated but filmed pretty dark. The scary thing was that I slowed everything down because I honestly was trying to see if they had put a prostetic in his pumping fist and...I still can't tell. (yeah, call me a perve but I actually wanted to know if that was "him", or a rubber "him") Ack...I'm having some bad movie luck because I didn't particularly like Narnia either but I'll give that a second chance.

Popping back to the shop to take care of some orders for tomorrow, I find out that another train hit another person this time a little bit up north from us! What the hell?! Two train deaths in one day? Now that is a little too wierd!

Finally, the most surreal part of the evening. I cooked dinner. Ok, I'm kinda lazy and a lot of times I'm feeling tired and don't want to cook. Tonight though, it was Rigatoni with Pancetta, Coppa, Green Peas (with some capers tossed in) all done up with garlic and olive oil. It guest stared fresh Tomatos and Mushrooms, oregano and rosemarry, black pepper and green onions. It's actually a pretty simple "sauce" but when you toss that with the rigatoni! Oh Mama Mia!! I still have some left overs so I'm gonna try it out on L tomorrow at work who's lived in Italy and see what she says about it. Me, I'm full and happy. And best of all, tomorrow starts that weekend thing again! (Woo Hoo!)

Be safe. Be well. Be loved!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Beauty of Grey

I was watching the clouds from my windshield this evening. Sitting at a traffic light, waiting for it to turn green and listening to Polyphonic Spree when I looked up. It's been a while since I did that, just looked up at the sky, seeing the amazing sites.

A monochromatic splay of colors from a pure white against the blue sky that peeked out, to a darkened grey, whisped by lighter greys as shafts of sun tried to break through. Silvers, greys, blues, whites..and all of it up there just for the looking. It's a wonder that people don't look up more when there's so much to see up there. Certainly there are shapes in the clouds, forms and faces, but the amazing way that colors appear in, and around, and sometimes through the clouds. It's pretty amazing. There was no sunset, just light playing in and around the clouds and for this little bit of time, during a break in our wet weather, I thought to myself, "wow" and smiled a little bit.

Nothing earthshattering happened today. There was no K wandering through the door. There was the panic of waking up and seeing it was 6am and knowing I had to have the shop open by 6:30. I tore up there, forgot everything else that I would normally do and busted my ass to have the coffee ready in time. Yes, I did open on time, albeit still trying to get the shop "together" and putting pasteries away but by gum, I will NOT open late! (even if I have to get out of my deathbed to make sure it's open on time) So, needless to say it was rather hectic for a while, but then it mellowed out.

I spent the afternoon with J as he ran a couple of errands. Didn't get a chance to lay down this afternoon as I usually do so, I think it's going to be an early bed for me tonight. Still, it was nice to be out and about with me friend.

There's a guy that's on my blog roll and I am sure that some of you read his site. Secret Simon is this really sweet and amazing guy. Well, he's shut the site down with no warning so, if anyone knows how to get ahold of him, or knows what's going on for him...please send me a message ok? I'm the Jewish Mother don't forget, and we worry a lot. Just came too out of the blue for me not to be a bit concerned about him.

It's already almost the end of the week, and I must admit that I am very glad for that. I have no plans for the weekend, but things have a way of cropping up lately. It appears that in October I'll be going with my friend Rika to Yaoi-Con. I have a hard time explaining it so here's a link to Yaoi-Con 06 which hopefully will explain it better. Kinda funny because I love the manga (comics) and this will be my first Yaoi-Con where I'm told a lot of girls are running around while their boyfriends sit in another section of the convention center playing video games (silly straight stories about two guys falling for each other a fun!).

Which brings to mind the whole Brokeback Mountain aspect of things lately. Is anyone else sick of this movie yet? I mean, I know this is unpopular of me but I'm really kinda WAY over it. I've seen the film and I guess I need to try watching it again but...ok, I was bored. I'll say it, I'm a bad fag but I didn't really like Brokeback Mountain. It got so way hyped that there was nowhere to turn without hearing about the damn thing (like Forrest Gump which it took me 2 years after the film was released to finally see). Anyways....just curious if I was the only one. Rotton tomatos and eggs will be deflected by my superhero powers though ;)

Ok...I'm runnin out of steam here. Time to pop in a movie and chill a bit and then hit the sack. Maybe I'll have something more exciting to talk about tomorrow? Who knows. I mean I am planning on rewatching the film Pi . So, unless my head explodes from the movie, I'm probably gonna be back tomorrow with more ... well, stuff I guess :)

Be safe. Be well. Be loved!

Monday, April 03, 2006

Monday Monday

... with all due respect to the Mommas and the Poppas, well it wasn't that bad today. Kinda wierd but not bad. I think that the rain kept people out a bit, plus the fact that it was Monday, plus the fact that it was the first Monday after pushing the clocks ahead an hour.

So, he didn't come in today damnit. My mysterious tall man (who's name I have actually found out), we'll just call him K for now. Last time I saw him was on Friday and he said the immortal words of "We'll talk later.". I'm still trying to figure out that one. My best guess is that he is probably gay, but whether he's single or not? Yet to be seen, but I'm planning on trying to find out ;) At any rate, he's the first guy in a long time that's come in that made me starting thinking that maybe I could find a date for prom if ya know what I mean.

I did get to talk to my buddy on Saturday for a long time. Made me very happy indeed. (and he knows who he is so there's nothing more to say about that now is there?) Hugs to ya bud.

So I keep promising to do this 5 album thing but here's the problem, everytime I start thinking about music now I find myself tripping down memory lane. There's Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys that I would listen to with my dad over dinner. There's the Pet Shop Boys song West End Girls that I first heard in Texas while walking my friend's dog one night and was completely blown away by it. There are songs I can't listen because they bring up memories that while good at the time, are now a bit painful to think about. There's all the times I lay in my bed listening to LIVE's Mental Jewelry dreaming of a better world, or someone to enter my world to make it better. Funny what music can do for you, and how much it really affects most of us.

Wierder thoughts run through my head lately as well. Rather adult-ish thoughts actually so be forewarned. Only reason I've even decided to write about it is because I find it interesting and slightly disturbing to some degree. So here goes nothin....

I think I lack a sex drive. Not saying I don't get horny. Not saying that I don't have a bit of the ol' "praying to the bishop" if you get my meaning...but in general I think I lost that sex drive somewhere. I think it's very odd actually. I don't ever really remember being that horny little teenager. I don't remember ever "getting" it on a regular basis and maybe that's the problem? I mean come on, you go long enough by yourself and I kinda started thinking, "Well it would be nice but it's not going to happen so why bother?" Maybe I'm just wired differently from everyone else, I honestly don't know. I see my friends enjoying their sexuality, and I feel like I'm bored with mine. I mean honestly, is that normal? Yeah, more questions because I don't even have a go with myself every day. Sometimes it's been almost the entire week, and I'm starting to think that it's partially work related too because I have my mind focussed on work 80% of the time. Hm...maybe I just need to find that one really sexy, horny guy who loves me and go to town? Granted, he'd have to be my boyfriend cause I'm rather territorial when it comes to sex. There's emotional ties that I find myself attaching, which is why I don't do the whole just jump in the sack with the cute guy that may want to (should he ever show up). Now the worst of all of this is that...I'm feel really like an old codger because of this.

Have you ever felt that you wasted your entire life and you're just pulling time until your body is dead? Well, that's me sometimes. I do love my friends, and I like my studio, and I do have some fun every now and then but for the most part I'm wondering again what the hell is it that I actually do? What is my function in this world? All my ambitions from when I was kid seem to have been sent into some box deep in a storage unit. I lack the motivational forces that I need right now. I need a muse actually. I need that muse to come into my life to get my creative juices flowing so hard and fast that I can do nothing more than write, or act, or just create. So, if anyone sees my Muse hanging out nearby, please send them my way cause I'd appreciate it.

I don't know anymore. Sex is wierd. Life is wierd. The world is definately wierd. It was never like this when I was imagining it growing up ya know? And, yeah, I am jealous of folks that have sex hehe. I mean it. Then again I know couples that are together for years now that don't really get their funky groove on that much. Must be odd. If I could just detach myself from these stupid emotions and let myself have fun....well maybe I'd be getting laid ;) Ah the joys of being a strange man in a strange land. Hm.

I think it's time for a bit of dinner and then a bit of the new videogame I rented, The Godfather. Having a good time with it because you get to move through the ranks of the Corleone family. Oh there's extortion, hit contracts, stealing cars, busting up the rival familys (if you can) and gaining the respect of your own "family". Wish I knew where I got this damn fascination with the Italian Mob but hey....everyone has to have a hobby ya know?

Be safe. Be well. Be loved!