Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Oi....what a silly bunt I am

Oo ack, oh crumbs. A quote from one of my fave cartoon characters Pinfold from Danger Mouse. Of course, this kinda dates me but it's a great toon.

So.....who's a depressive git lately? Me, well that is if you read the last couple of entries. Why? Don't know. My birthday always seems to freak me out a bit. Not sure if that's how it is with you but, that's me. I mean, I do get excited and imagine everyone calling and sending cards, etc. (presents are nice too but I don't really expect them anymore to some degree..but I do hope for them hehe) Then when the big day comes, it's usually gone from a huge fire to a fizzle, and again, I've done it to myself. (hm....not that way you nasty people you! Shame on you for having a dirty mind hehe)

So, yeah, I get wierd around the birthday time but everything is pretty much copasetic here. I saw Xmen III twice this past weekend. *I* liked it. I know that some folks haven't's the Xmen and for that I'm happy. And it was nice to have three days off rather than just the weekend but's made me a bit off. I tend to keep to a wierd schedual and always know what needs to be happening on any given day. The weekends are really about having Saturday to do nothing or anything I want. Sunday comes along and I start thinking about what I have to do for work the next day so when Monday came and I didn't have to work...much wierdness insued. Just having a hard time re-adjusting to the work week now and damn but we've been busy the last two days.

I do wanna say thanks for all the kind words in the comments. Ya know I don't really reply to them all, but I do appreciate them all. And yeah, they help sometimes. Maybe part of it is knowing I'm not alone in my boat, or we're not alone in our boat, or our boats that happen to be pretty damn similar.

One last thing before I head for the land of nod here. A couple of my friends out there have been having a tough time of things what with one thing and another. So, being Jewish Mother Supreme I hearby make this decree (ahem);

Nothing bad, and no more ill will be happening to Ryan, Jim, Rey, Doghigh, Alden, or Phoenixboi! That's it, you've used up the quotient of bad stuff for the next 8 months! No more freaky stuff, no more bad stuff. Got it? You're Jewish Mother has spoken! (And the universe had better have heard me on this one damnit!) Matter of fact, this goes for the whole lot of you that come here and read this. Don't mess with the Jewish Mama! Now come inside and get some cookies :)

Oy but it's late for me and I need to get to bed. Two more days of work this week, or really one if you count them the way I do since tomorrow is drawing near. But hey, payday and the weekend coming up again and so soon! Ah...sleep :)

Be safe. Be happy. Be loved!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Big fat hairy deal

I'm trying to be better about writing here. Why? Cause I want to get back into writing in general. See the wierdest thing is that part of the reason I started writing here was because of a class I was taking at the time. I was taking a play writing class and I thought that if I were to write everyday...well I'd write creatively more. Doesn't always work that way though. Still....who knows.

I went to see Xmen III last night with the fam and only once we were all together at dinner did I learn I was the only one that hadn't seen it already. Well I felt like a bit of a shmuck to tell the truth. Don't really know why but once again, I was the last one sort of.

I started thinking about some of the stuff that K has talked about such as "impermanence" and realize that if you focus on the fact that nothing lasts forever, then there sometimes is no real reason for anything at all. If nothing is going to last, then why try and fall in love? If nothing lasts, then why bother having a job or living in a house or whatever you may think. Kinda scary to tell the truth because what do I want out of life? I want to live an artistic life (again) and have someone there beside me. (granted I know that I do not need anyone to make me complete...but just once I would like to know what it feels like to have a person that sticks with ya and is in love with you and you with them)

I'm all over the place today in my head. This is going to be a big number birthday for me. I don't feel "old" (well sometimes), but the one thing that makes me feel old is .... lack of hair. Yup, those little guys started leaving my head starting my sophomore year of college. Been a slipperly slide since then. Hell, I wouldn't even mind if it went gray for christ's sake's the one thing that I have absolutely NO ability to control. My weight? That I can fix. My glasses? Contacts. But my lack of hair? Well why do ya think I always wear a baseball cap? It's infuriating to tell the truth sometimes because the world seems to be made of folks always doing something with their hair. Cutting it, dying it, putting weaves into it, shaving it, running their fingers through it, having someone else run their fingers through it, you name it....and I'm stuck with either shaving my head, or looking like a trappist monk.

Maybe it's all about the conversation I had last night with Mel. I mean I have known her since she was a kid...literally. I look around and it seems all my friends are so much younger than me. Well, all the ones around here at least. THAT will make ya feel old, or it does for me. It's not that I don't like folks my own age. A lot of my friends from here in the blogworld are close to my age. Guess I'm just feeling that I should be doing something before it's all "too late". Well, I do have my short stories to work on and maybe I'll get back into working on the plays I started last summer for class.

I think that this year, I may just hide myself away somewhere on my birthday. Maybe go and frolic in the woods alone and see if I can find some of the Fey or Sidhe to play with and never come back. Well, I'd make sure that I'd have a way to communicate with the outside world but hey...who wouldn't want to live in the Faerie realm? Maybe take myself down to the ocean. I don't know because someone else asked me recently what I was going to do for the "Big Day" because it was a "Big deal this year". Well F that. I don't want to know that I'm going to be out of my 30's and I don't even like the idea of writing it as a number. I've had a series of crappy birthdays on the "milestone"s. When I turned 18, no one was in town that year because they all were off doing Summer Vacation shit but me. When I was 21, I had moved out here and knew no one but my dad. When I hit 30, my dad was so sick that he didn't even remember it was my birthday and if it wasn't for my mom calling me that day around 5 my one would have said happy birthday to me at all. So, needless to say I am not looking forward to July this year. D & H are having their kid sometime around then, and while the fam promised me a party....sorry guys but today I just don't know if I want one.

Yeah this all sounds like a downer and waa waa waa cry me a river. I'll get over it. I just have to learn not to think about these things I guess. More important stuff going on anyways where my attention is much more needed. Hm. Maybe I will just go religious and become a priest :)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Still thinking...but not that hard

I know that the last post was a bit of a downer. Just when I start thinking too much, it's like a tidal wave at times. Rest assured though, it's usually gone the next morning and all the comments are appreciated. Nice to know how many folks are there for ya when you sometimes feel at your worst.

My friend M'lady sent me this lovely ecard (and thank you SO very much for it) and mentioned something that we here in the US don't seem to do often or at all. What was it? Well have tea of course. I don't mean just drink tea mind you, but have a nice afternoon where you brew up a pot of tea with some fresh made shortbread (and yes if you make the tea I will supply shortbread!) and just have a nice afternoon chatting. We're all so busy, myself included that it seems we forget that the simple things like this can be the most lovely. I wish I had a place big enough to hold tea outside, maybe in a garden or just out on a back porch with dappled sunlight through the trees and having a laugh or seven with friends. Hm..maybe when I win the lottery I'll just throw an enormous tea party!

So I'm feeing a little odd about some of the things I said last night. Things I maybe shouldn't have said, but I don't think that it really matters much in the long run. I tend to keep certain things pretty private even to my friends, and I feel like I blurtted out what I shouldn't have. It's not to say I had a rotten childhood. Far from it. My parents staid together until the three of us kids were into college. I never got thrown out of the house or anything like that. I was always told that I could come to them with anything (which I still think wasn't true but that is the past). And, maybe more importantly, I feel in retrospect that I had a pretty damn kushy life up until maybe 10 years ago. The down side? I just never really felt like I belonged somehow.

I was always different from my brothers, thought differently from my parents, and usually I think they would shake their heads in wonderment at what I found interesting. No one else loved horror films. No one really cared about my obession with The Shadow. They supported my acting but I doubt understood why I wanted to do it. And it's wierd to think about right at this moment because it's not like it causes me pain, but it honestly makes me wonder how I turned out so radically different from all of them. Wierd huh? Probably why my friends were more family than my family to me.

Been thinking about so much lately that it's sometimes hard to put it all down into words. It's been about my religion, what's going on with K and how odd it all seems to get, the nature of art and why do we do it, and a lot of "where am i going?". Well one place I know I'm going is starting on Monday I will begin eating the South Beach Diet. Time to lose the little spare tire I've been building and hopefully get a little healthier. I still want to be looking extra good by July because this year is a big year birthday wise for me.

Now, I know that some of you have said (more than once heh) that age is just a number, and I do believe that. Problem is, sometimes I feel like I should be so much further along in life ya know? Course, a good question would be "Why?" and honestly, it's just been programmed into me. You know, by this age you should be done with school. By this age you're thinking about marraige or what have you. Well, seeing as I was never a really good conformist, and my life has not been what I would always consider "normal"...maybe it honestly all doesn't matter but damn it's hard to get over it. Sort of, all I know is all I know situation.

What I do know is that I can't wait for October (my birthdays over the last 20 years have not been stellar with a few exceptions) because I'm hoping to be down at Disneyland again. I sooooo need it too. Time to just relax and enjoy myself with my brother and sister. Time to be a 5 year old again. Time to be ultimately away from all the cares I have reguarding work and life and everything!

Until then, I'll just have to keep myself busy by watching my Blue Jays, catching Xmen 3 this weekend and waiting for Superman Returns, Spiderman 3, The Omen (ok so it's a remake), the Yoai-con in October and the release of the Nintendo Wii (their newest platform). Hm....actually sounds like I got a lot to keep my busy :)

Be safe. Be happy. Be loved!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Thinking too much

I'm sporadic in posting. I'm starting to think that I'm sporadic in my thinking, in my judgments within my own life, sporadic in how I handle my life. It's been with me for as long as I can remember. You don't rock the boat when it's sailing well. Least, that's what I feel like I learned from growing up. You don't raise your voice, sometimes you don't even voice your opinions. If a storm comes across the boat, you lash yourself down, hide below and wait it out, pretend that it isn't there and sink into your own little world of fantasies.

There's a little boy inside of me that doesn't get to really show is face much. For the most part, he shows up and is the smiling goofy kid. He's the dork with a heart of gold. If I was in a John Hughes film, I'd be the best friend character in love with the main character who loses out. Truth is, I always liked that character more in those movies. Just keep thinking about Pretty In Pink and how I fell so hard for Jon Cryer's character Ducky Dale. Probably I just identified with this guy who never got the girl. Relegated to being best friends with the person he loved. Ain't that a kick in the rubber parts? This little boy shows up around my friends and acts goofy and gets them to laugh. He's clever and witty with a sense of fun to him that even surprises me sometimes.

Inside though, there's the other little boy. There's the one that is sitting off in a corner alone, wanting to cry but being told that men don't do that. Be a man. What a rotten thing to tell a child. This is the little boy with the sad eyes that has a broken heart but can't run to anyone. He learns to take care of himself and shut everyone else out. It's survival technique. Turn a blind eye to all the wrong doings of the adults. Don't talk about it. The one that doesn't want to bring friends over sometimes, or let them see the darker secrets. He lives really deep down inside me. Craving affection, wanting someone to wrap their arms around him and make him feel safe without smelling alcohol on their breath. Wanting to believe in someone when they say "I love you", but somehow can't always believe it.

This second little boy has been cropping up again lately. I don't show that face in public anymore. I haven't cried from pain literally in years to the point that I don't know if I could anymore sometimes. Stupidly I know I can because dumb things like movies make me tear up, or passages from books, but you learn how to hold that back and keep it inside.

K will never find this site. I'll never tell him anything more than I have a blog. I doubt that he's even interested to tell the truth. I want to say so much to him, but it would be wrong. It would be wrong to tell him that if things were different and he wasn't married I would want to try dating. That would ruin whatever friendship I see between us. But like an invisible wall, I can feel that I've again been so stupid to believe in my own sporadic fantasies. It was a nice dream after all, but reality is he's married and I'm being stupid thinking these things. So I'm sorry K. I'm sorry for the things I can't say, sorry for the hope of what can't happen. Sorrier yet that I got my hopes up and continue to do so even when my logical mind tells me how incredibly dumb I'm being. Fantasies. I should be too old to be doing this to myself, but it's what I learned as a kid.

I don't have a hell of a lot in my life really. I have some really good friends that are the world to me. These are the people that have been there through the worst time for me and still call me friend. So why can't my broken little boy allow them to help me? "Be a man" "Men don't do that." "Men don't cry." Sometimes I feel like I am a thousand year old child.

I may feel different tomorrow, or I may just paste on the face that I show my customers every damn day whether or not I feel like smiling. I really don't know, and I really wish that I didn't think so damn much sometimes. But this is my space. The place where I can say what I want and how I feel. It's not pretty, nor am I sometimes. Matter of fact, sometimes I feel down right ugly in my soul. I know it's not true, but logic doesn't always work on a child.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Kissy face

Just what I'm doing up at this hour I don't really know. Granted, there are a few cups o' coffee in my system so, that's probably it. Perils of hanging out where I work is that I get coffee for free, and when I'm sitting outside chatting with friends, well I wanna have my coffee. This is why I don't hang out at the shop except on the weekend nights.

My friend Rica and I were talking tonight and the topic of sex came up. She's .. well I'm pretty sure that she's bi. I'm not entirely sure actually. I do know that she's saving herself for marraige which I think is pretty damn rad. Course, from the conversation I'm not sure if she's a virgin but I do know that she's not having sex until she's married. Sort of neither here nor there now is it? I disgress.... We were talking about sex, and pretty openly sitting there outside the coffee shop. No one paid us any mind. Funny eh? We're talking about woman's orgasms, penetration, name it. And no one seemed to care. Just thought that in and of itself was interesting.

When I said that I would rather cuddle (for the most part) than have sex, she came back with the fact that she would rather make out than have sex. Ya know what? I am so with her there. I love to kiss. I love to cuddle. I think if I could combine both, I would be over the moon. Unfortunately for me, kissing tends to get me hehe. So the cuddling whilest kissing could turn into something unexpected, but hey, I digress again.... I was just thinking about how much I like to kiss. It doesn't have to be all tongue-y (although that's nice if it's going to go further), but that really intense close connection is like magic. I swear I see how that kiss woke up Snow White. Sparks can fly, almost literally, with the right kiss. And even those little soft pecks on the lips you get when someone you are close to is leaving? Well they rock my world. Think the whole world needs to get a bit more cuddly...what'dya think?

Cuddling there's the way to hang out with someone. Laying together on a couch, someone's head in your lap watching the tv with ya while you stroke their hair. Spooning in bed together, just being close and either wrapping your arms around someone, or having them hold you. Well, I tell ya, I don't even care if I woke up and they have morning breath, because if I could wake up and watch them sleep and know that I could put my arms around them? Holy shite groovy would that be?

Yeah...I'm a romantic. And one of these days I'm gonna find me that spooning, kissy man. Till then, I got my teddy bears to wrap my arms around and dream with.

So I'm signing off here with a kiss for you all, and a big ol' bear hug to boot.

Be safe. Be happy. Be loved!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Say what?

What a butt I am for not getting around to updating things here. Part of the reason was laziness, and part of the reason is that I am trying to comment more on folks sites. I have a rather lengthy list which keeps growing, and sometimes shrinking a little, but mostly growing so ... takes a while to get to everyone but that's my quest lately.

So things go from bad to worse to great to surreal to ... well that's life now isn't it? Been reading a book that K loaned me about Buddhism and it's oddly helping to make some mental difference. The book is about how we deal with loss (of course from a Buddistic perspective) and how to use loss to grow. Funny but I never thought of it that way ya know?

I know that everyone has loss in their life, and sometimes it's big, sometimes it's small. Sometimes it pretty much devestates you whether you realize it or not. I guess the biggest one for me in low these many years was when my father died. He had cancer and I was pretty much the primary care giver by pure default. Well I had never lived on my own before that. It was always him and me for about 10 years since I moved out here to Cali. Suddenly I found myself with this condo all to myself. You'd think if you were in your late 20's/early 30's that would be a great situation right? Well I hid myself away from the world basically. I withdrew to such an extent that I hardly left the damn house except to go to work and the grocery store. It was as if I was walking through a dream where it was impossible to wake up from and reality was there...but i was one sidestep outside of it all.

Looking back on it now, it was probably one of the biggest things to happen to my personal growth ever. I went from being taken care of to some degree, to being out on my own for the first time in my life with no saftey net to catch me. And now, here I sit in my studio, realizing that for the past 2-3 years I've lived here alone...that too has been a pretty positive thing in getting to know myself. I had no clue who I was back then. I had lost all sense of identity. All I had known at that point was how to take care of pop.

Wow..I wasn't really going to write about that but, in the course of two years after his death, I managed to write 45 pages about the experience. In my mind, it's not finished yet. It needs to be polished, it needs editting, and then I started thinking, "So who would buy this book if I ever finish it?". Maybe I wrote it for me. Maybe it was one of those things where I just needed someone to know what had happened. Maybe I should pull it out again, dust off the pages, and work more on it and see if I could find a publisher.

Ah...the joys of life and "what if"s. Almost as good as the greatest question of all time which is "why?". Hm....

Well, this is getting longer than expected and no where near what I thought I was going to write about, so I think I'll save the other thoughts for another day. But hey...I'm alive, and that's pretty damn groovy babies. So I hope that you can all dig on that thought in your own lives. Things don't always go "right" for us, but we're alive and that's a pretty sweet thing to be.

Be safe. Be happy. Be Loved!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

To sleep..perchance to sleep some more

Oh my achin' cranium. Well it's not that I really have a hangover since I didn't drink last night, it's that I slept too long today. Makes me feel all groggy and I can't seem to get going and with it (can ya dig it baby?).

So last night/yesterday afternoon, I decided to lay down for a while in the afternoon being that it was Friday and nothing was going to happen really. Thought how nice a little nap might be right? Hm...turns out that "little naps" on a Friday equate to waking up at around 6 in the evening and then not being able to shake the fog out of your head. Where do you turn when that happens? I went to the shop to grab coffee and hopefully run into K. Alas for me, he never showed up. But, I did manage to drag my sorry bum down to grab some fine dining on fried Cheese Tortellini and Cheese Tortellini in a Basil Cream sauce (no nasty jokes about the sauce thank you). Then it was back to the shop because after that I needed a good cup of coffee to make that pasta go down.

As I walked up, I noticed a young lady I'd talked with a little before sitting at a table that I helped myself to outside. Well, the next 2 hours were all about S (who's name I know remember thankfully), her friend Y (a lovely little lass indeed) and myself talking about the nature of art. We went from writing to painting to opera to theatre to what it means to be a performer and all around the bend again. It was incredibly invigorating because I don't get a chance to talk like this with many folks. Mostly it's the odd "I saw this movie" type things but last night were off on tangents reguarding Kafka, philosophical questions like "who are you really performing for, you or the audience", artistic merits of a Russain artist named Kush....and the evening flew by.

And then I came home, loaded with two cups of half decaf/have Yemon Moka in me. Well babies, not a good idea if you're planning on sleeping because the Yemon has a fair caffine kick to it. I think that combined with the pasta that remained in my stomach, I was probably up til around 2ish this morning....and that's where my post sort of starts all over.

It never fails to annoy me that on the two days I get to sleep in, generally on the Saturday I'll wind up waking up hella early. Today it was around 6ish and I promptly turned over and went back to sleep. Then it was 8ish, and I thought about getting up but decided to turn on cartoons (with very low volume) and I was back asleep. Then it was around 9 something and I thought I would get up then...nope, I felt lazy and said "Oh..just 5 more minutes" and woke up near noon...when I finally got my lazy ass out of bed and headed out for some breakfast.

I know that I should cook more here at home, but the idea of grabbing breakfast somewhere just works out better. Sure, I could cook up some eggs and bacon and all that. It's not like I don't know how. The problem comes in my studio actually. I don't have room for a table in here and there is only one chair where my big ol' butt in residing at the moment. So, sort of nowhere to really eat comfortably except on the edge of my futon. My dream of course is to finally make enough money to be able to afford a one bedroom apartment somewhere nearby. Well, I'm not sure that's going to be happening anytime soon because I am soooo picky about where I live. It needs to have space for me to garden damnit! I refuse to give up that little perk so here I stay.

Now, I figure I'll make some calls, do a little cleaning and get ready to go see Matt Nathenson tonight. But hey, since I'm here....go check out Secret Simon because his latest post is brilliant! This guy has amazing talent as an artist and I do hope that he knows that. Not only that but it's just nice to see him back even if it maybe sporadically. Seriously , go check it out because I'm sure you'll be glad ya did. all I need is the motivation to clean ;)

Be safe. Be happy. Be Loved!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I'm back, I think

I can't say that things have been terribly exciting while I was away from blogging. I can't say that I got TONS of work done on my studies and other projects. As a matter of fact, I feel like I do nothing but work and come home and watch movies. Pathetic, but true.

I still see K. I see him almost every day and we talk and he heads to work, or heads for his train, and I'm left pondering why I am such a dope. I guess it's an interesting question of, why can't we have what we want? Funny to mention that because in terms of Buddhism, I suppose that's a trapping you are supposed to be working on overcoming. The truth being, you simply can't have them and you must learn to deal with that. I'm still working on that. Still working on forgetting some of the feelings that at times feel as if they are going to boil over and embarrass me. Then again, I'm good at pushing things back into dark corners and trying to forget that they are there. The sad part is that I always know that they are there, I simply try and ignore them.

My friends paid me back the money they owed me, and this has caused a new set of problems. This time, it's with the bank. The bank that put a hold on the check which has caused me to be overdrawn in my account (I thought they would simply honor the check the next business day) in an ungodly sum. Then I get the letter from the bank yesterday explaining why they were putting the hold on the check. Apparently if you are overdrawn a few times in the course of a set number of months (and who the hell hasn't been?), and you put a large amount of money in the account....they put a hold on it. WHY! That's the question I plan on asking tomorrow afternoon when I talk to the bank manager. What does this mean for me though? Means that I'm going to be overdrawn (thanks to them) until I get my next paycheck which won't be until next week. And here I thought that this money would make me happy.

Maybe happiness is all relative. Maybe there is no "true" happiness. I just don't know anymore. I put on that face every morning that smiles at the customers, and it's not always fake. There are those that I truly love seeing and it's only at work that I get to see them and interact with them. My best example was this adorable little girl who's giggle and smile simply make me happy regaurdless of what's happened. She giggles. She smiles, and it's all over. All I can do is chuckle at her and feel a strange giggy happiness. I wish I could hold on to that all the time, but you simply can't and that's part of life as well.

Funny how I thought of everything I would do with this money and now all I can do is fret. I know that I should be putting 90% of it into something like and IRA, or retirement account of any sort. Then, I would have a little mad money but not much. I so wanted to go somewhere on vacation but I'm scared of losing all of it again and being back to square one. I wanted an Ipod...but I'm afraid to spend that money on it. I want to fly out to the other coast and see friends that I really love a lot. Again, scared of using all the money up too quickly and having nothing again. I guess it's true that money doesn't buy you happiness. Just makes life more complex and confusing sometimes.

Anyways....I guess I needed a bit of a venting. Probably just tired from work and wondering what to do about K. Good news? I saw the Martin Short play a couple of weeks ago and laughed my ass off! This weekend I'm going with some good friends to see Matt Nathanson on Saturday night and it's always good to spend time with these folks and hear good music.

Not entirely sure how often I'm going to be posting until I get my brain more acclimated to whatever this wierdness seems to be that's going on in me. I do know that I appreciate and love you cats (and dudettes) a lot. For that, I'm forever thankful.

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

You say goodbye...but I say Hello...hello hello

I'm sort of torn tonight on a couple of things. I really like this little space of mine here in the infinite of the cyber realm. I'm not going to give it up mind you, but I have been thinking about taking a bit of a break. Why? Well partially because K and I were talking tonight (nope, nothing about relationships but hey..) and there's a lot stuff in me old brain that needs to be mulled over. There's work I want to do on me, and sometimes the blog takes a lot of time from that (as I'm sure we all know).

Having so said, I also realize that it's been almost a year now since I started this little endevour. Like I said, I really like it too. It's a place where I can put anything that's going on down for the world to see, spout philosophic, vent, rage, and it's given me some really great friends as well. So, there's no way I'm giving that up because I love ya guys. While we may never meet in this lifetime (yup K and I were discussing Buddhism), in one truly odd sense, it's just nice to know you are all there and I get to go to your sites and see what's on your minds, and how you are. Almost like that wierd experience at school, beit college or high school, where you may not have the same classes but you always kinda new how your friends were doing? Well that's how I can equate it.

Kinda having a conflict of interest in my religious philosophies lately and I need some time to really do some stuff that I haven't been doing. We pagans often perform rituals which aren't spells. I myself talk a lot to my Goddess and God. Why? Because I know that They listen to me. It really is amazing to tell the truth because when you ask for things, well they do tend to come around eventually. Granted, that boyfriend I keep asking for hasn't but day I know that he's going to be there. Guess it's all about faith. The Buddhistic side though....well, it seems to be in direct conflict with everything I have been doing religiously up to now. That's the hard nut to crack because I really do like the ideas and ideals in Buddhism....but I still believe in the Fey and my Goddess and God.

So, if ya don't hear from me for a couple of days, or even a week, nothing bad has happened. It's not from being bummed, or depressed. Just a little time for me to work out things in my head, read some books, try to make some sense of this wackiness that is my religious beliefs. In the long run though, I don't think I would trade any of it because while Marx said that "religion is the opiate of the masses", I do believe that it can give direction to better ones self and one's relationships towards the world. Will it make you a better person? Who knows. I kinda like to think of my views as "thinking mans religion" because I constantly question things, look for the better way through life, new ways to become a better person and hopefully try and make the world a bit better for everyone.

Trust me though, I'll still always be a "nasty" (in the Prince sense) man, one who's prone to saying completely wrong things to get a laugh, but...just want to see if I can iron things out a little in the meantime. So....I guess that's that :)

Maybe I'll write tomorrow but if I don', dildo, and uh...buttsex heheh

Monday, May 01, 2006

Monday....or so it seems

Ah my childrens....what an nice weekend and the week didn't start off too badly either. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night but still woke up on time. Oddly enough, I didn't hear the alarm, and I hadn't turned on my radio which I always do. Still, I'm not gonna jinx myself by thinkin bout tomorrow. After all, tonight is Beltane!

So Saturday night I got to go and see the new Martin Short play Fame Becomes Me. I swear if I hadn't hit the bathroom before the show started I would have peed myself laughing. I have been a big fan of Mr. Short since his days on SCTV in Canada, long before he hit SNL's cast. He was just amazing, and even did a bit as Jimny Glick (with makeup of course) for the second act that had everyone rolling. I so want to go back and see it again ain't gonna let that happen. Still, it was a great night and me and D have started working on a project I think. Just some silly stuff we had been discussing over dinner which looks like it may just fly yet!

Sunday was a bit of a blur and I didn't really do much but I got to chat with me buddy Persian Guy for a while. Funny how talking to someone on the phone makes ya feel like their just next door. Wish that he and I lived closer to one another because I know that we'd get a long well and have a good time. Sides, he's got a great smile even if he doesn't think so heh ;)

And here we are at Monday. So what am I thankful for today? Well, for once I'm not really sure. I guess I'm pretty damn thankful for having D as my friend. He's been inspiration over the years for me to get off my ass and do things. He always fuels my imagination and creative juices (ok...well maybe some of the other juices as well but he's gonna be a poppa soon so...that ain't gonna happen!). I'm eternally greatful and thankful that through all the messed up stuff we've gone through, he's still my friend and I know he cares about me a lot.

What else am I thankful for? Definately having that artistic side of me that loves creating. Having an imagination that flies further than I can even think sometimes. The sense to dream up choreography for a song even though I have no idea what the dance terms are, but I can see it all in my head (now I just have to get it down on paper and explain it to some dancers), or create characters that take on a life of their own from out of the blue. (I know that everyone has an imagination but I sometimes think that people don't take it out and play with it as much as they should) So yes, even though I'm not doing plays right now, or acting, or painting, or writing as much as I should...I still have that life to lead somewhere, somehow artistically.

So I have a couple of things to talk about for later posts but I want to put them up here so I don't forget them. Ever considered the body average? How about Straight men/Gay men relationships. (been thinking about that one ever since I found out K was married but I still have folks that believe he's not straight) There's a few more and I still owe me buddy Rey that five album thingy that I haven't ever gotten around to finishing. (my appologies)