I'm trying to be better about writing here. Why? Cause I want to get back into writing in general. See the wierdest thing is that part of the reason I started writing here was because of a class I was taking at the time. I was taking a play writing class and I thought that if I were to write everyday...well I'd write creatively more. Doesn't always work that way though. Still....who knows.
I went to see Xmen III last night with the fam and only once we were all together at dinner did I learn I was the only one that hadn't seen it already. Well I felt like a bit of a shmuck to tell the truth. Don't really know why but once again, I was the last one sort of.
I started thinking about some of the stuff that K has talked about such as "impermanence" and realize that if you focus on the fact that nothing lasts forever, then there sometimes is no real reason for anything at all. If nothing is going to last, then why try and fall in love? If nothing lasts, then why bother having a job or living in a house or whatever you may think. Kinda scary to tell the truth because what do I want out of life? I want to live an artistic life (again) and have someone there beside me. (granted I know that I do not need anyone to make me complete...but just once I would like to know what it feels like to have a person that sticks with ya and is in love with you and you with them)
I'm all over the place today in my head. This is going to be a big number birthday for me. I don't feel "old" (well sometimes), but the one thing that makes me feel old is .... lack of hair. Yup, those little guys started leaving my head starting my sophomore year of college. Been a slipperly slide since then. Hell, I wouldn't even mind if it went gray for christ's sake but....it's the one thing that I have absolutely NO ability to control. My weight? That I can fix. My glasses? Contacts. But my lack of hair? Well why do ya think I always wear a baseball cap? It's infuriating to tell the truth sometimes because the world seems to be made of folks always doing something with their hair. Cutting it, dying it, putting weaves into it, shaving it, running their fingers through it, having someone else run their fingers through it, you name it....and I'm stuck with either shaving my head, or looking like a trappist monk.
Maybe it's all about the conversation I had last night with Mel. I mean I have known her since she was a kid...literally. I look around and it seems all my friends are so much younger than me. Well, all the ones around here at least. THAT will make ya feel old, or it does for me. It's not that I don't like folks my own age. A lot of my friends from here in the blogworld are close to my age. Guess I'm just feeling that I should be doing something before it's all "too late". Well, I do have my short stories to work on and maybe I'll get back into working on the plays I started last summer for class.
I think that this year, I may just hide myself away somewhere on my birthday. Maybe go and frolic in the woods alone and see if I can find some of the Fey or Sidhe to play with and never come back. Well, I'd make sure that I'd have a way to communicate with the outside world but hey...who wouldn't want to live in the Faerie realm? Maybe take myself down to the ocean. I don't know because someone else asked me recently what I was going to do for the "Big Day" because it was a "Big deal this year". Well F that. I don't want to know that I'm going to be out of my 30's and I don't even like the idea of writing it as a number. I've had a series of crappy birthdays on the "milestone"s. When I turned 18, no one was in town that year because they all were off doing Summer Vacation shit but me. When I was 21, I had moved out here and knew no one but my dad. When I hit 30, my dad was so sick that he didn't even remember it was my birthday and if it wasn't for my mom calling me that day around 5 my time....no one would have said happy birthday to me at all. So, needless to say I am not looking forward to July this year. D & H are having their kid sometime around then, and while the fam promised me a party....sorry guys but today I just don't know if I want one.
Yeah this all sounds like a downer and waa waa waa cry me a river. I'll get over it. I just have to learn not to think about these things I guess. More important stuff going on anyways where my attention is much more needed. Hm. Maybe I will just go religious and become a priest :)