Thursday, May 18, 2006

Say what?

What a butt I am for not getting around to updating things here. Part of the reason was laziness, and part of the reason is that I am trying to comment more on folks sites. I have a rather lengthy list which keeps growing, and sometimes shrinking a little, but mostly growing so ... takes a while to get to everyone but that's my quest lately.

So things go from bad to worse to great to surreal to ... well that's life now isn't it? Been reading a book that K loaned me about Buddhism and it's oddly helping to make some mental difference. The book is about how we deal with loss (of course from a Buddistic perspective) and how to use loss to grow. Funny but I never thought of it that way ya know?

I know that everyone has loss in their life, and sometimes it's big, sometimes it's small. Sometimes it pretty much devestates you whether you realize it or not. I guess the biggest one for me in low these many years was when my father died. He had cancer and I was pretty much the primary care giver by pure default. Well I had never lived on my own before that. It was always him and me for about 10 years since I moved out here to Cali. Suddenly I found myself with this condo all to myself. You'd think if you were in your late 20's/early 30's that would be a great situation right? Well I hid myself away from the world basically. I withdrew to such an extent that I hardly left the damn house except to go to work and the grocery store. It was as if I was walking through a dream where it was impossible to wake up from and reality was there...but i was one sidestep outside of it all.

Looking back on it now, it was probably one of the biggest things to happen to my personal growth ever. I went from being taken care of to some degree, to being out on my own for the first time in my life with no saftey net to catch me. And now, here I sit in my studio, realizing that for the past 2-3 years I've lived here alone...that too has been a pretty positive thing in getting to know myself. I had no clue who I was back then. I had lost all sense of identity. All I had known at that point was how to take care of pop.

Wow..I wasn't really going to write about that but, in the course of two years after his death, I managed to write 45 pages about the experience. In my mind, it's not finished yet. It needs to be polished, it needs editting, and then I started thinking, "So who would buy this book if I ever finish it?". Maybe I wrote it for me. Maybe it was one of those things where I just needed someone to know what had happened. Maybe I should pull it out again, dust off the pages, and work more on it and see if I could find a publisher.

Ah...the joys of life and "what if"s. Almost as good as the greatest question of all time which is "why?". Hm....

Well, this is getting longer than expected and no where near what I thought I was going to write about, so I think I'll save the other thoughts for another day. But hey...I'm alive, and that's pretty damn groovy babies. So I hope that you can all dig on that thought in your own lives. Things don't always go "right" for us, but we're alive and that's a pretty sweet thing to be.

Be safe. Be happy. Be Loved!


Ryan said...

maybe this weekend we can talk with being sick falling down and just being busy kinda lost touch.

Michael said...

I'd like that a lot. You better be getting well though or I'm gonna kick yer butt :)