Thursday, June 30, 2005
I started this class and I'm still excited by it. Everytime I think about my plays I just want to work on them. This is not a good thing to have happen at work because there's no way for me to write anything while trying to serve customers. The only problem is that I have one more assignment this week to finish. I just don't feel up to it tonight and I wanted a free weekend. I wanted to go out tomorrow night, but I'd have to rent a car. Is it worth it? I just don't know. Maybe I'm just in a crappy mood but this all seems sort of important right now and even more important than it really is.
I guess the biggest issue is this guy from the shop. I want to ask him out. I want to just go out and have dinner, or coffee, or see a movie with him. Sounds innocuous right? Well he has to say yes to begin with. I have to have the nerve to ask him at work for second. And the third? I've almost convinced myself that I am not even close to what he's looking for. Hell, I'm shooting myself down before he gets a chance and do you know why? That way it won't be as bad if and when he does. I'm not trying to set myself up for failure here folks but let's face it, no one likes to hear these phrases when trying to get someone to go out with them to see if they can be compatible in a relationship:
"I like you, as a friend."
"You're a nice guy but..."
"Sorry but you're really not what I'm looking for."
Yes, I've heard some of those. I hate the friend one the most. That's usually what I hear. Either that or, you're such a nice guy that I wouldn't want to mess up our friendship. Well you can read that, "you're nice but a loser and I would never date you even if you looked like Brad Pitt".
Why is it so damn hard to find someone that you're compatible with who lives in the same bloody city you do? Hell, I'd even take them living in the surrounding areas of my city. I don't know what's set me off here on all of this and no one likes to hear people complain so it's time I head out.
I am proud of myself for finishing one assignment though. I even turn it in way early. At least I feel I did something that I can point to and say, "Look. That comes from me." and the comments seems favourable about what I've written so far. Hell, maybe I'll write even better once I have more sleep in me over this weekend.
I'm off to find last night's pizza in my fridge, eat a little, play a little Batman and remind myself that it's Friday tomorrow and I won't have to wake up for 3 days after if I don't want to.
My buddies at work are mostly male. There's 7 out of 10 of us that are male, so it goes to figure most of them are straight. I'm the exception. I feel rather excluded sometimes from them. They talk to one another about women and dates and other assundry things, and I feel a bit like an outsider from time to time. They're all cool with me being gay, and even disucussing who I have the hots for. It's just when they start laughing together and talking about "damn she's hot" type stuff that I feel really excluded from the men's club. It's almost like they are all buds and the am the band dork that happens to hang around them who they happen to like and tolerate. I don't think any of them like the music I play. That sucks because I open the store and try and tailor music to the people I work with because I know what it's like working to music you absolutely hate.
Guess this all has to do with a comment I overheard about my "gay music". Shit, when you get enough shit over something, you stop thinking that they are joking. No one says anything to me about the music other than usually, "Who is this?". Sometimes one of my morning coworkers laughs a little when he says it, but I figured they were ok with it. Guess it's all revolving around the word "gay". It just bothers me. So what if I like music that they wouldn't normally listen to? They can go and foad about it if they really want. And all I ever hear from them is "no no, it's cool man." I've put up with metal (which i really dislike most of), prog (which can put me to sleep on the odd occaission), Reggae (which I like but NOT every friggin day please!) and other styles that I can't recall right now. I at least try and mix it up a bit ya know? Shit, I would be playing my bangin' techno but no one likes it. Go fig eh?
So what about this "gay" music of mine? Well what about the word gay? Sure, I am gay but I don't make a big deal about it. I'm not flamey. I don't say "sister" unless I do it in an affected voice and everyone knows I'm joking around. I don't flit. Gay music meaning, lame. Does that make ME lame? This is the only instance of that word being used where it's bothered me at all. I can hear them say, "that's so gay" and really not be affected in the least, but this seems rather personal. My music really is personal because we are talking about my sense of taste and what I tend to like. Lame, gay, call it what you will but it bothers me to the extent that I feel like they're laughing in the "men's club" about it. Laughing at me about my taste in music, and about me in general. And guess what, I don't get to be in on the joke cause I feel outside the loop of the "men's club".
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel different but, right now, when I'm a little tired and need to eat (see how my brain does not work properly at this juncture), I almost hate them for making it so I feel like I was in Jr. High again, and being laughed at by the "cool" kids. Anger won't make me lash out, but I definately will find a devious way to get into that club.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Been realizing how much time I spend on line. Part of me wonders if I spend too much time here. Then again, I've grown very attached to some of my online friends. Hard to not sit up all night chatting/messaging, etc. Now if I can just find that kinda connection off line in my day to day life. Guess that's the hard part right?
I was thinking about writing more about me, not just my "gentle philosophies" (kudo points to all that know what that's from and feel free to tell me if you do!). How much do I disclose though? I mean, how much do people really want to know anyways? I always sort of figured that if people were interested in getting to know me, they'd ask about things right? Well, that's how it works in my head at least.
I'm in a bit of a blizzard mentally right now from writing for class so this all sound so spotty to me. Hell, maybe I'll come back tomorrow and edit this all or just leave the clutter that is my current mind up for all to see.
See what happens when you start getting creative? You go a little insane.
Ack. Too many thoughts coming too quickly. I think it is definately time for bed.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.
Ok. So I wasn't going to blog bout this tonight. Tonight was going to be about my playwriting class but....I'm feeling self centered? I don't think so. I mean that not as a joke but I honestly don't think I'm thinking only of myself. Matter of fact I have a mission to find music for my buddy Dan. The rest of the test seemed to be alright and kinda accurate but....i'm gonna trip on this idea of self centeredness for a while. just odd to me. And hey, while I'm at it....love is not disposable dammit. So there and neener to them.
So, I chunked down the 90 bucks to register for school on line and the on line class and I have two assignments to have ready by Sunday night at 11:30. Well, this week is crazy for me. If I do everything I want to get done, that leaves tonight, Thurs, and Saturday night (cause I have something to do during the day that day) to write the beggining of three plays and do character cuts. (don't ask I don't completely understand that last part either) Kinda wondering what I got myself in to here. I'm not doing it for a grade actually. This was more for me to get out of a rut of doing nothing to some degree.
I used to have a schedual where I was: building a set, rehearsing a play afterwards, then home to work on a sound design. Now in all of this I still managed to go out and dance every Saturday night with Desi and Didi at the Edge's backroom. Ah the joys of dancing to 80's new wave til 1am and then going home to sleep because I had a matinee the next day at 1. I was actually out DOING rather than sitting at home being a slug. And there was the creative aspect that I miss as well. Acting, doing sound desgins for the shows....all tapped into my creative spot. Lately it's been about as creative as playing my PS2. So, I'm a little excited, a little nervous, a little worried about the class.
I haven't had any kind of commitment, other than work at the shop, in forever. Will I fail? No. That's just not what's gonna happen I'll tell you upfront. But, I am a procrastinator. I'm trying (right now actually) to get the nerve up to start at least one of the play beginning tonight. Of course, I'd rather be playing around on the Tribe or playing my Batman Begins (and who wouldn't??). Still. I will try and be strong and maybe I can find some time to write during dinner tonight.
I've decided that I have been eating for shit. I need to eat better or the body will eventually rebel against me in odd ways. This has happened before actually. Picture of a man "fall down go boom" and that was me. And I hate going to the Doctor. Why? I seriously wonder just what the hell do they know? I can take care of minor stuff with herbal remedies (which I do) but if I broke my arm, yeah I'd go then. Lately I've had a good friend have kidney failure and they have no idea why (they're better thank the Goddess) and a customer who's "treatments" for cancer didn't do diddly squat! Ok, so what does that say to you about the medical proffession other than they treat symptoms and not the disease. I'm gonna climb off this box of soap before I split my fool head open.
I did see that glory which is Ben today. Trying to get him to come out (and if that ain't a great pun I don't know what is) tomorrow night. We'll see. I hope that he shows up tomorrow though. I'm this close (fingers pinched) to asking him for his number or sliding mine his way. Just hard to do that while at work. Sigh. I almost feel that it's futile though because I'm not sure if we're even compatible. Only way I can find that out is to sit down and talk with him but...only see him at work. Still, twould be nice indeed.
So, now I head back to work, chat with the boss about a new phone, find where I'm gonna eat and take my new book (or two), try and eat and read and think about the schoolwork, maybe write, and still find time to check the tribe plus find Dan's music. Eeeeeeeeeeasy baby....easy *slyly smiling*
Monday, June 27, 2005
So yesterday was my one day off. It's really a mind bender to work 6 days straight opening. Saturday came and went and when I woke up yesteray, I really felt like it was Saturday. So, after a leisurely breakfast I wound up back here checking mail. Then I decided it was time to garden and went to the nursery (yes there will be pictures but only after the new plants take better root), but I spent maybe 2 hours just wandering and looking and finally making up my mind. Well that puts us roughly at 5:30 in the evening. My day was over and I was going out with friends to dinner but I still had to go to the shop and make my list for Costco today. So that seemed to take forever. Finally it was dinner with friends around 7:30-8ish and a quick wander through Borders where I spent even more money. Hard being a bibliophile. Then I wound up chatting until after midnight and I knew, I KNEW I had to work this morning. I was thrashed this morning cause I think I got around 4 hours of sleep last night.
So today was rough heh. I'm glad that it's over but this week is rather full of stuff going on. I just signed up for an online play writing course through a local Jr. College so I have homework already. I'm planning to go with my boss and some folks to see a Jazz organist on Wends, and if not that, then try and make the opening of War Of The Worlds, and there's a party this weekend for my friend's anniversary, not ot mention I want to try and make it to a friends gig at a club in Santa Cruz on Friday night. Ya know what I really want to do? SLEEP! I just want a week to do nothing after last week and trying to get through today. Thank the Goddess for a nap this afternoon.
I am still realing though. I had the strangest dreams today and it made me feel really uneasy when I woke up. I dreamed about houses and apartments I lived in before back home in Texas. Now here's the problem. I never lived in those places and I know I dreamed about them before and living in them. In one instance, there was an apartment near my old house that I (in these dreams) lived in for maybe 2 months and then just abandoned. What wierded me out the most is tht it seems so real to me. These places I've never lived in are just as real to me as my current studio apartment. I just wish I knew what it meant. I mean it really did a number on me. Took me about an hour or more to shake off the funky feelings they left me with.
Being a pagan, I feel like there really is something in these dreams. Why would I dream about the same places more than once? I know that, unless things have drastically changed back home, one of these places just can't exists for a lot of logistical reason. there just weren't places like that in that neighborhood. I gotta stop thinking bout this cause it is kinda given me the heeby-jebbbies.
I also came to the realization I need to ask for my money regaurdless. I need to just flat out tell my buddy that he needs to pay me at least part of it back. I'm not asking for the whole sum cause it was a bit of a bundle, but I do want part of it. If he won't come up with it, or has excuses, I'm starting to feel bold enough to just go off on him. It would be the second time that I did something out of my pocket for the better of someone else who turned around and kicked me later. Just don't like confrontations is all.
So, if my posts are shorter from now on, it will hopefully be because I'm becoming the next great playwrite. ok, even just a mediocre one but if I could get these ideas out of my head and on to paper, I'll be a bit happier. Hell, who knows, maybe my stuff will be produced ya know? That would be rather exciting I must say.
Time for the land of nods and off to work again tomorrow. Only 3 days (cause I figure I can't count tomorrow cause it's here according to my logic as soon as I go to bed) until I'm free for 3 days! Thank god the 4th falls on a Monday! Hallejah, i'm gonna get my groove going ... um or sleep and play video games.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
I'm a Goddess worshipping pagan (and don't care who knows it). Sometimes I do what I call "tapping into the universe" and things just come out of my mouth that I don't know where they came from, but they always seems to be what's need to be heard. I had gone down to the shop to grab a cupper after dinner and there was a friend of mine Jus. He's a satanist. Ok, opposite ends of the spectrum here but we get along well. I had recently tried to help him because he believed he was being cursed by someone. Well, tonight, it was different. His girl had broken up with him and he believed that all was lost. I don't mean that things sucked for him but literally all was lost to him. So after maybe 2-3 hours of tapping in and listening to him, I realized that maybe one of the biggest aspects of myself is that I am partially a priest.
I've always been the one people seem to come to for comfort and advice, and I rather like that. I can never take my own advice though for some odd reason, but I tend to give good advice. I guess I'm more empathetic than most people. I don't really know, but this whole thing made me realize how much I have to be greatful for. For some reason tonight, the advice I heard coming out of my mouth struck even me. Little things like the fact that I intrinsically know that what I believe in will never leave me or turn their backs on me. The fact that there are people that love me even when I'm a shit. The fact that we are all silly creatures here on this little planet.
Then there's the fact that I give my heart out too much sometimes. I don't really mind doing it either. Just leaves me rather vulnerable at times. Scares me to think about it at times. Then again, part of my advice was that if you don't go out there and give that part of yourself and allow yourself to fall for someone, then you'll never meet "the one". Seems that you really have to put yourself on the line, and that's a scary place to be. I don't do it well or often, well not in a romantic sense.
Sometimes, I dream of that one guy that's gonna always be there. The one that I can argue with and fight with, and then make up and say we're sorry to one another. (what? Me a romantic? Never) Untill he comes along though, this little priest will simply be happy with the simple things like my friends that I adore. My heart sometimes gets so full and huge in my body that I think it's gonna burst because of my friends. So color me happy.
Today was SF Gay Pride and I missed it cause I had to work this morning, but tonight? Tonight I'm proud of myself just for being me, not cause I'm gay. That's something worth being and doing in my opinion. So happy pride EVERY day to you all. It doesn't have to be gay pride, but just be proud of yourselves for what you do in your life.
Live and love babies. Live and LOVE!
Friday, June 24, 2005
Now I've asked Ben out a couple of times. These were "dates" where I was going out with a couple of friends and I thought that had to be innocent enough right? Well both times he couldn't come along. I started to think that he was straight and therefore, unattainable. I actually just want to get to know him because, we may not even be similar ya know? Sure I think he's cute, but I'm old fashion and I want to get to know the person and fall in love and blah blah blah before there's any hint at anything sexual. (and I wonder why I don't get dates) So it's been a couple of months I think. As I said, I finally just gave up to some degree.
There he was this morning getting his normal drink, and I asked him what I ask most customers who I like, "So what are you doing this weekend? Big plans?" His responce was that he was going out tonight and then he hit me with the bomb of all bombshells, "I'll probably do something for Pride on Saturday." Ok. I guess I didn't hear him well because I probably looked a bit confused. The cafe can get rather loud at times, so he repeated it. "Pride, think I'm gonna do something for Pride this weekend." Well, if that's not an answer to one question, then what the hell is?
Now comes a painful process for me. I have to find my balls and ask him out. I have to see if he's at all interested in going out with me. Wanna talk about fear here? Wanna talk about my stomach not just turning over but invertting and shrinking at the same time? Wish I knew how to do this because I only see him while I'm at work. I have no phone number for him and pushing him mine might be wierd. I have no way to contact him and I guess I can just ask if he wants to go to lunch sometime, but isn't that wierd too? I'd be a bit wierded out if a guy at the reg where I was buying something asked me out that way infront of everyone. Just wish I could get my little grey cells to find the right answer to this question.
On the flip side of things, I'm gonna pump a link here to another blogger's site and ask everyone to take a look at it and consider signing a petition. I'm a big advocate of kids not having a messed up life anymore than it already is and when I read about this I almost started crying because I was so angry. http://bluedragn7925.blogspot.com/ Remember to thank Jamie for posting this. I gotta go back and do that too. Kinda put a damper on what was an amazing day. I just hope that there's something we can actually do about this.
I know it's been a bit gloom and doom here on the site, but I think things are going to pick up a bit for me. I'm looking into starting an online class at a local Jr. College for playwriting. I had a class in college that taught it but I have heard really good things about the teach from my friend Dan that just took it. I wouldn't have to anything more than write and post stuff to their site. Hell, I ain't doing it for credits so, why not right? Ok, so it's around $80 but, if I come out of this with a viable play? You bet I'm gonna try and get it produced. Sides, I miss having an artistic side.
Ah....life. What a wierd and wacky think it really is. Too bad I have to work tomorrow morning. Pride Parade in San Francisco and I can't make it. Well, maybe I could for a little but I'd have to take a train and I don't know if it's worth it at that point. Sides, I'm usually kinda dead in the brain after work so...we'll see. Just hope that Ben comes through tomorrow. At least then I'd have a brief chance to figure out what to say/do. Hm, watch him walk in with a cute guy on his arm hehe. That would truly be the story of my life!
Oh....and many thanks to Larry for, without him knowing it, helping me to figure out how to link and cool ideas for links for my blog.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
It's just really hard to be Superman. I think I said something about this in a previous posting, but the truth is, I do feel that I have to keep it together. I am cynical sometimes, sometimes a major dork, sometimes I feel a loneliness that makes me want to cry. Do I show it? Well, to those people that don't know me, they won't see it. It's my Superman mask so to speak. Here though, I'm simply writing my thoughts so, there goes the mask.
I don't know why I do this. I guess a lot of it has to do with the whole High School experience partially. Never felt excessively close to my parents who told me that I could tell them anything, but honestly, what kid wants to tell their parents they are depressed and feel like slitting their wrists? Hell, half the parents I know would have them locked up quickly. I digress.
What I wanted to talk about is my bad sense that I have to keep it all together and not show what's really going on. If you're gay, you know about hiding. You tend to learn how to hide certain feelings at an early age. That's just my opinion mind you. So when my father first got sick, I didn't think much of it. When he found out it was cancer, I didn't know how to deal with it. When he really started getting sick, I got annoyed with him thinking that if he would just get up and move around and try to do things he'd feel better. As things got progressively worse, I wound up being, pretty much, the primary care giver. I did everything for him including one time helping him take a bath. All this time though, I was at work at the theatre like nothing was going wrong. The last time that my father had to go to the hospital, I just about lost it entirely. It was at least 6 months after all of this started and I just about lost it and started crying uncontrolably as I waited for an ambulance and nurse to show up. But hey, I'm Superman and kept it together until he was loaded into the ambulance and I had to drive behind them to the hospital. Never try to keep from crying and drive at the same time. I guess I did all that keeping it together partially for him, and mostly because there was no one but me to take care of me. Well that's what I felt at the time. Inside though, Superman crumbles a lot of the time and I become a little 5 year old that want someone to hold him and make him feel better. Since I don't have that in my life really, I learned to tuck it away and deal with it by allowing it to move through me and by talking to my Dieties.
So last night was uncomfortable and I felt miserable afterwards. In the long run, big deal. I'm a live and I have some amazing friends (even those that I have yet to meet and live in different states from me). That is one thing I take solice in. I appreciate them all beyond belief. And at the risk of turning extremely mushy, I love them all very much with all my heart. After all, they're my strength when I'm the weakest. Ah....there goes the emotions agian :)
So I got my first tagging so I will leave ya with this meme:
A lifetime is a blink in my mind's eye.
5 years ago I was working at a theatre thinking I was king of the world, and possibly in love.
Yesterday I discovered that I need to learn how to deal with people I don't know better and just learn to have a good time.
Tomorrow would have been my Friday but I have to work on Saturday so I have to celebrate a day later.
5 snacks I enjoy include Pringles (except those nasty cheese ones), Hummus and Pita chips, Granny Smith apples crisp and right out of the fridge, Beef Jerkey, Girl Scout Thin Mints (out of the freezer!)
5 songs I know the words to, even without the music Tina Turner's What's Love Got To Do With It, Fats Waller's Honeysuckle Rose, Luck Be A Lady Tonight, The Maid of the Sweet Brown Knoll (irish song), and an Italian art song I can't spell that I learned for chior
5 things I would do with $100,000,000. Oh well, I'd take a vacation. I'd buy a better car. I'd take all my friend out somewhere that I rented for the night to dance dance dance to our favourite DJ! I'd buy some stuff for friends, and I'd still try and sock some away so I wouldn't have to work for a while. I would finally get around to making art!
5 locations I'd like to run away to Ireland, Canada, Israel, Seattle(maybe), somewhere on the East coast cause I've never been there.
5 bad habits I have Smoking, forgetting bills, not eating properly, being too damn meek at times.
5 things I like doing Making out (stolen from Larry but hey, who doesn't?), playing videogames, gardening, long talks with friends late into the night, dancing with friends
5 things I would never wear thong underwear (shudder), sleeveless white t-shirts, gold jewlery, diapers
5 TV shows I like (well most are off the air now or I see them on dvd cause I don't have cable) Deadwood (best western ever!), Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Absolutely Fabulous, This Old House/New Yankee Workshop
5 movies I like Beautiful Thing, The Good The Bad and the Ugly, X-Men1&2, Groove, My Own Private Idaho, Berkeley in the Sixties (ok that's 6 but the last one is a documentary so it doesn't really count)
5 famous people I'd like to meet River Phoenix, Tom Lenk (that's Andrew from Buffy, YUM!), Seth Green, Tina Turner, Ghandi
5 biggest joys at the moment a recently blooming plant that I can't identify, Batman Begins on my PS2, knowing I'll be seeing Wicked in a month and a half, reading while I eat breakfast at my favourite cafe, my music
5 favorite toys my 12 inch (easy now) Nightcrawler action figure, Hulk gloves that make noise when ya hit something, my Disney drumsticks that light up when you hit them, my PS2, the downloaded demo of Fruity Loops3
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
I did meet up with the DJ. He's a nice guy but I feel that I came across as a total idiot. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't come up with anything witty to say. Generally he led the little bit of conversation that we had and it was stilted and I felt stupid. Now I feel like emailing him and appologising because I am kinda tired, I'm not at my best, and I felt stupid. Sometimes I think I'm just not cut out to handle this whole "going out" thing. It might have been easier if I had friends there but it's really hard for me to just walk up and talk to someone I don't know. You always wonder how they percieve you and when you are at a club, just seems that they are having a good time just like everyone else ya know? I really wonder what damaged me in my life to hinder me from just having fun on my own around people. I don't know.
I feel like giving up it to tell the truth. I feel that if I go out, it's just not going to be a good experience generally. I do partially blame my job. Up at 5ish in the morning, then maybe a nap, but I still don't feel relaxed and loose like I do on the weekends. Worse, I really thought that I looked good tonight. For once I felt I was rather attractive ya know? The one other person that decided to talk to me was someone that was either more damaged than me, or was on speed. I can't tell which. I do unfortunately know speed talking through someone. Maybe he was just as insecure as I was and trying to find someone to talk to, but again, the conversation was stinted and he did most of the talking. Learned a little more about him than I cared to but hey, someone talked to me I guess.
Now, it's time for bed. I got a little Janis Ian telling me what the world was like for her. For some reason hearing At Seventeen right now just seems fitting. Misfits. I swear we should just form a club, take over the country or something. Yeah right. I guess Elton John was right when he said "sad song say so much", and sometimes when it's bleakest in here...they're the only thing that really soothes a saddened soul.
So that's my report. I liked the DJ set. I didn't dance. I felt out of place. I spent $6 on two calistogas and hardly talked to anyone. What a fun person I must be eh? yeah right. Feh on it all. At least I know my place when I get to work tomorrow. There I can be me, and feel comfortable. Just feel doomed right now is all. Doomed to a life of constant routine of the normal. Pathetic is gonna be my new motto for a while.
I can't really think of anything interesting that happened today. We got a new Fetco at the shop and I wanted to open it but it needs to be installed by a pro unforunately. Fetco is the brand name but it's the brewer for our large urns of coffee. If my boss bought the one that we think he did, I should be able to cut down my prep time a little in the morning. That is actually exciting. Takes me around 30-45 minutes to get everything brewed up and the pastries set up and the milk steamed and ready for customers. Normally that leaves me enough time to go out and drink a cup of coffee while I stare at the sky and just enjoy the peace and quiet of a time when there is no traffic, no people, and I can wake up a little easier. We'll see when it gets installed though because my boss thought it was coming next week, not today.
I'm going to have start stealing things from my friend's blog sites. Larry has these great lists of question he sometimes posts but I have no idea where he gets them from. (subtle hint if he's reading to let me know where he gets them) It's really hard for me to "open up" because I never know what to say about myself really. Guess that's also a problem on the offline world for me. I feel dumb talking about myself and when I do, I feel like I'm bragging sometimes. Some of the odd things that I have done in my past were, to me, just work. The best example is that I did actually work for a few days on a feature film. I even have my name roll in final credits. I don't have a speaking roll and if you blink, you'd miss me basically so I don't really talk about it. To me, it was just something I did as an actor, to other folks though it seems really exciting. Is that wierd?
So my buddy that's spinning tonight I still have not met in person. Scared of that too. I mean, you never know right? What if he thinks I'm lame, or I think he's a jerk, or worse....what if I think he's really cute and it's not reciprocated? Of course it's not a date because he's going to be working as the DJ but still, I hope that things go well. Scary parts of life huh?
I would be excited thinking that this was Wenesday and that I'd be having a weekend in a couple of days but I have to work on Saturday. Guess what Saturday is up in San Francisco....you got it, Gay Pride Parade. Well, this marks yet another year I haven't been able to get up there. I moved out here from Texas in around 1987 and I still have yet to make it to any of the "pride" parades (even though there's one closer in San Jose) or any of the events for it. Hell, I'll probably just come home, call my friend James and Dan and see which of them wants to go see the new George Romero Land of the Dead. Ya gotta love zombies and this is the final film in the Night of the Living Dead series according to Romero. Can't believe this all started in around 1968 and here we are almost 40 years later finalizing the whole story. Wack huh?
Soon I hope to have a small web page with pictures from the photo shoot I did for a friend's band. We're supposed to be making a video for one of their songs but that's kinda up in the air as to when. Should be fun though. The premise is that the band is found in the desert and taken to the castle of Dr. Shadow (yeah guess who I play) who is trying to take over the minds of the world through radio waves. The only proble is that he needs a live band to power his atomic radio transmitter. The name of my friend's band? Atomic Mint. (check out their website at AtomicMint.com...I think that's it) We'll see though.
Oish, I need to eat and have a shower and all that kinda rot before I start to try and see if my contact lenses are going to work tonight. Sometimes with old lenses my eyes get really tired fast. I do want to get kinda gothed up tonight and I can't see me doing that wearing my glasses. We shall see I suppose. And yes, there will be a full report tomorrow. Saddests part is that I may want to hang out there longer than I should but this little camper has to try and be in bed by 10:30, or 11 at the latest or I'm really toast the next day. Feh to work. Feh on work! One of these days I'll find that I actually have a life.
One last little fact to divulge, it is not a month away from my birthday. Woo. *twirling finger in the air slowly while looking bored* Hopefully this year is better than last.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Hell, for me, I take things at face value. If you tell me that you're straight, you're straight. Tell me that you're bi, and then say you don't sleep with men....well then what the hell are you talking about? How the hell can you say that you're bisexual and you don't sleep with both sexes? Just how does this work? I know that it keeps cropping its nasty head up every now and then that it's popular to say you're bi even if you aren't. Goddammit though, don't say it if it's not true for christ sake. Oish. See what I mean? Communications. Oish.
So, I'm usually worried that people take things the wrong way when I say them/type them. I think I have asked a friend on a board maybe 3 times already if he realizes that I'm not "perving" on him. Hell, I'll tell him he's cute, but it just means that to me. Not like he'd be into me (especially because he wants a girlfriend), but I worry. Guess my online nature takes over and my hands get me into trouble. (and if that's not Freudian I don't know what is)
So I was gonna reveal facts about me right? Ok. You see my picture. Well what you don't see is that I wig (heh), and I have been told by most of my friends that I "think too much". Ya see, when you don't think you're attractive, and more on that later, you tend to stay up in your head a lot because you don't see the ryhme or reason to tell someone you think is cute that little fact. So I'm an emotional cebreal person I guess. Go fig, I'm a Cancer/Leo cusp.
Now, don't get me wrong about me being unattractive. I'm not ugly. I just don't see what other folks seem to see. I think I'm very plain and average. Ok, I'm 6'4"ish but you can still be the "plain jane" at that height right? And I was insecure when my hair started leavin me. Unfortunately it's just something you get used to. Now it's shave down look for the most part for me. Still, i do have the odd occaission when I think I do look good. Mostly it's when I decide to wear something other than jeans and T-shirts. Really, I think that's why I love the goth look. Tis romantic period to me. Ah well, I got off track.
What i meant to be saying was about the past, my past. I remember being in 5th grade and being happy. The shit hit the fan in 6-10th. I got fat. I really did, and I got picked on by bullies at school and I wasn't one of the "popular" kids cause I was too damn awkward. If it hadn't have been for theatre, I don't think I would have made it out a live in some ways. The chance to channel all these feelings that I keep pent up in me and release them, well it was kind a blessing. Even though I had a "girlfriend" in high school, I knew I was gay. That sucked as well back then. Funny when you look at your past and realize that you were probably in love with some of your best friends eh?
Found out the hard way that I was an outsider and a wierdo in college (well the 2 years I went) but I finally found some folks that allowed me to be me. Here's the best part of all of this, they weren't in theatre. That's right, even in the theatre department I was the "wierd one". How fucking pathetic is that? Well ya know what? Fuck them. They were mostly preppy types and I found that I had friends that were *gasp* Punk! New Wave! GOTH!! Let's just say that I attribute my musical taste and eclectic sense of what to listen to to my friend Jim from college. He gave me my first taste of goth/new wave and I haven't looked back since.
This isn't turning out the way I thought it was going to. Just me rambling again. I want to divulge and be as open as some people that I read, but I just find me rather boring sometimes. Funny thing is that others don't. Ok, last facts about me for the night so I can play some Batman...
I have a dark side. I'm not always the happy go lucky guy. I have bouts of depression that seem to come from nowhere in particular and they sneak up on me. At that point, I turn even deeper inward. I shut things and people out so I can cope with whatever it is. Bad trait but my friend once told me "No one wants to be around someone who's depressed" so I just keep it in until I can get a handle on it.
I have a long fuse, but I sometimes explode when it all gets too aggrivating. The moment I vent, I'm better and the angst is usually gone. I hardly ever yell at anyone. I don't think I have ever hit anyone in my life. I know I haven't ever been in a fight. I think the most amazing revenges to take against those that have done me wrong, but I'll never do anything. It's not worth it. I learned that a long time ago the hard way.
I'm a pagan. I follow a couple of aspects of the Moon Goddess. Laugh if you want but religion is what keeps you going whatever form it takes for your life. I'm partially a Buddhist because the philosophy really makes sense to me. I'm a cat person. I do like dogs though. I believe in the fact that everything is possible. Just because I haven't seen or experienced it doesn't negate it.
I used to be an actor. I used to work in theatre building sets, designing sound designs and makeup designs, and acting on stage. I even directed a couple of one acts. I used to be a raver to some extent. Yes, I was the guy that would go and take a hit of "things", but only one. I like being in relative control and I understand how my body functions under these "things". I would dance and dance, and chat it up with people. Then things turned really bad but that's for another time.
So now? I want to do more writing. I want to be back in theatre, or at least something creative. I work at a coffee shop usually from around 5:3am-1:00pm. I watch a lot of movies and play my PS2, and well...blog here.
And I really do appreciate my friends. Without them, I am toast. It was be a really bleak world without the wonderful folks that I call friend. So, my love to them.
Monday, June 20, 2005
I'm a cat kinda person. I'm skittish. I feel really stupid around people sometimes, or I don't know what to say, or I simply don't have the ability to join the topic of conversation. So what does a cat do? They hide. They skitter behind furniture, or the look aloof and ignore you. I tend to do a bit of both. I hide a lot, standing there just listening and wishing I was anywhere but where I was. I find it impolite to just say, "I'm taking off" because it seems that the group (whatever group) is having a good time and chatting. First chance I can find though, I bail out of there like greased lightening.
Tonight, I had a really pleasant time with a couple that I dont know well. I didn't initially like the guy and I don't know his girlfriend really at all. I had history with the guy. My history is kinda tainted and I don't feel like going into that tonight cause it's late. Point being that we were all standing outside the theatre discussing here pregnancy. I felt really comfortable. It may have to do with Dan because I know Dan and he's my friend and blah blah blah. I'm starting to think that there is an ever so subtle shifting in my life again. Something good again. Something that's going to take me as a person a little bit further than I have been before. What it is, I really have no clue.
Standing by Dan's car discussing playwriting. I told him part of the idea I have for a show. I can't still divulge the entire concept to him because it sort of revovles (in my mind) around the two of us. I guess I'll get around to it later when I have it all more mapped out in my head because I need a straight man's perspective on certain things. Sure, I could write a straight guy's dialogue, no problem. It wouldn't be real though. It would be my interpretation of a straight guy's come back to what was said and I want the real McCoy. Just felt good to be discussing something creative again and feel those theatre pulls dragging from the insides again. Now it's just getting it written, or worked out a bit more. That's the hard part. There's no reason not to do it, and no reason to do it either.
In my past, my parents bombarded me with "you can do anything you want" and, "you are/were so good" (in reguards to theatre). Ya know what happens when you hear that too much? You begin to doubt what anyone says about you and you're performances. I could have set an entire set on fire, burned down a theatre in the process and my mother would still have told me how good I was. Guess that's why I'm so perfectionistic when it comes to theatre and things that are creative. It has to pass my standards. If I think it's crap but other people liked it, it's still crap. Makes it more difficult to do things sometimes. I definately feel I have to be Superman at whatever I'm doing, even if it exhausts me. Not all the time mind you, but for the most part, if I can't get it done or do it...well heaven help us. Seemed significant to say, but now I don't know where I was going with it. Maybe I will tomorrow.
Bad parts about Monday for me? I woke up late. I woke up and my clock said 6am. That's almost an hour later than it should have been. So, I busted my ass to get down to the shop, ripped through getting as much ready as possible and didn't open late. We open at 6:30. I did, however, feel rather off for the better part of work today. Next thing I knew though, it was time for me to head out to Costco, then off to home to do some emailings and whip up a mixdisc for a friend from the shop, and then I was off to see Batman for the second time, and now it's 10:16 and I should be going to bed. I'm not tired. Rather, I'm not sleepy yet. Where does time go really? I mean, shouldn't it slow down a little every once in a while? Worst yet, I feel off now because I saw a movie during the week at the theatre. That's generally my weekend thing. Day one of the six down....five more to go. Hope tomorrow goes a little smoother. I'm off to recheck my alarm clock and woof down a 7-11 sandwich. My, what an exciting life I lead lol
Sunday, June 19, 2005
So here we are at the beginning of the hell week for me. 6 days on straight doing that morning thing that I do so well. Upside, the 6th day is time+half, and for 4 out of those 6 days I work with my boss so I get to keep all the tips. (well minus what I give him to sock away for me. I have trouble saving) The down side? My alarm goes off around 4:45am if not earlier. I usually turn it off and hit the radio and snooze for a little, get up, slap some clothes on (please I shower at night) and hit the door around 5-5:20 in the morning. That is usually the Mon-Fri routine and then on Friday night I sit up late watching movies, playing around on the puter, playing videogames. Welp, now I have to be at work on Saturday at 8. Still, for me that is kinda sleeping in cause I won't have to be up until around 7 or 7:30. Ony on for 4 hours that day so I guess it's not going to be that bad. Just keep thinking of the money is the way I have chosen to look at it.
And I have made a decission. The whole thing with my friend that owes me big money? I'm just going to get over it somehow. Everytime I think about it I tend to get upset and bitter so, better not to think about it for a while and focus on better things. Like here, this blog is hopefully going to help me get back to writing. After all, I've been consistant for some odd reason. Let's see if I can carry that over to the "real world".
Ack, almost 10pm. I swear, I'm still a night owl dammit. I used to have this great schedual when I was the TD at the theatre. I didn't have to be there until noon and I'd work straight until around 6pm, take a break to get food, have rehearsals usually, then I would go home and play games until 1 or 2 in the morning. Lately on the weekend, I have no energy to try and even think about going out. Lame! Oh the lameness of it cause I miss dancing, and I miss hanging out with friend until the wee hours laughing over Denny's bad coffee.
Mmmm...ya ever notice at the 11th hour that you forgot to put sheets on your bed after you took the old ones off to wash eventually? Sigh. Maybe I'll just be lamer and sleep on the futon matress without a sheet. Color me lazy as well. Still, it wasn't a bad weekend to be lazy and that's exactly what I got accomplished this weekend....and I wouldn't mind doing it all over again.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Ya know, there is a down side to the weekends. I frittered away my Saturday, and considering that I am going to be working Mon-Sat this week, I really feel like I should do something exciting tomorrow. Problem is that on Sundays I tend to start thinking about work. I realize that I shouldn't but I know that if I don't go in tomorrow and make my Costco list, I'll be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off on Monday. I think it's time for much needed vacation...if I had the cash for it.
Ya know, I had written something in a poem (yeah I write them too) about not having a life before you get trapped by comfort and excess. Lately I've been thinking about that again. It's the constant nagging problem I'm having with J (my bud that owes me the money). It's sort of the more you have, the more you want problem. Now I live in a studio apartment. It's small, has a kitchen and a bathroom which aren't part of my main room. I like it. I'm not sure what I would do with a one bedroom because there would be extra space and I'd feel like I needed to buy a couch, dinner table, whatever. I kinda live lean and mean, with the exception that I keep buying cds, comics, books, and dvds. I don't make really good money at the shop, but I have enough to keep me supported (well thanks in part to the remaining money saved from an inheritance). The thought though that I'm actually kinda trapped bothered me. I am. This in some wierd way is comfort and excess. What would I do if I found myself homeless again? Freak completely. I refuse to be homeless a third time.
Just a word about that for a second here. My father died and I found myself suddenly without a place to live the first time. It took me over 6 months or more to find a place to live. There was the issue that I was working and not making much money at the theatre (I was a tech director). The inheritance from dad's estate was coming but no one knew when. I slept on couches a lot. I basically lived with my friend J who was renting a room from a mutal friend. Think I overstayed that welcome. Still, I eventually moved into a house with my friend Doll (thanks to a loan from my mom and my boss at the time). Second time was after I came back from New Orleans and that was really horrible. I slept in the attic of the coffee shop, sometimes slept at my friend Dan's (he had to sneak me in), sometimes slept in my car. Then I got a job in the "real work place" world. Now with more money, I was spending all my cash on food, gas, and hotel rooms. Ya know what? It makes you start to feel like you are less human than other people. You start to feel dirty whether you are or not because you have no place to go at the end of the day. You feel less than. It spiralled down from there and got really ugly but that's for another posting. Just saying, I know what I consider to be important because of all of this.
Did J really need new sliding glass doors to his patio? Don't think so. Does he need to redo his kitchen cabinets and all that rot? Don't think so. Did he need to buy a wine cabinet (and the damn thing is huge! Looks like a tall armoir for fucks sake). Don't think so. The new recliner I saw there? Think not. This is a guy that had been pulling a salary of 90,000 who got the pink slip treatment. So he works at OSH. Ok, but does he need all this rot? Just buggin me lately. Maybe I'm just jealous but, I don't think so. Hell, when I got a new DVD player to replace the one that conked out on me, his comment was "Now we need to work on getting you a new Tv." Well shit, I have a perfectly good one. I did my research when I went to buy it, priced around and got what I wanted. Why should I need a newer, better one??
Wow, this is turning into a bitch fest for some reason. Guess I actually have some kinda major issues right now with J. Too bad too because, like I said, I've known him almost since I moved out here to California in 89. He was much different then though. He was fun. Now I fear that he's going to come out to me as a republican. Seems that it all is about money to him. He'll probably claim that it's about the "quality of life" but I think that's a cop out. I mean, I'm perfectly happy living in my little studio (even if I wish it were a little bigger at times). I'm happy, for the most part, at the shop. My bettering of myself will come when I finally get off my ass and finish writing the stories I've started and the plays that are in my head. Shit, who knows if anyone wants to produce them or read them, but I will have something to leave behind. There'll be a little piece of myself for my niece and nephew. Some of the stories I have in my head are for them specifically. Guess I just don't understand my friend anymore.
I still want things. I want a boyfriend. I want to wake up to someone with teeth that need brushing, look at them sleeping and snuggle closer for a few minutes. Hell, I wanna kiss them when they wake up. I want a pet. I want to get a cat but the studio is kinda small. I want a better car, even if my 78 corrolla is still working. Mosty, I want the companion, and the time to hang out with friends, go dancing, even go visit the cool folks I'm meeting on the net. So there are things that I want, but it's not necessary. Just stuff that I'd like to have in my life. Mostly I guess I just want to be able to share myself with people. Kinda sounds silly when I typed it but I think that's what is really in my head right now. Just sounds nice to me....that and a vacation.
Friday, June 17, 2005
All in all it wasn't such a bad day. I did very little once I got home. I decided to lay down and watch a movie (Nomi's Song which was really interesting), got up and picked up my laundry and hit the post office to pop some letters in the post. Thought about dinner but I wasn't hungry then. So, it's 7-11 sandwich and Lime Diet Coke for dinner for me. (I'm addicted to the lime Diet now)
Been thinking about my friend J again, or rather I woke up thinking about him. I just can't seem to get past the fact that I loaned him a great deal of money and I don't think he is all that interested in paying it back anytime soon. Now, mind you, I haven't asked him outright for the money (rather the part that I would like to have right now), but looking at the way things are going ... cold day in hell is how I see it. He once called me selfish because I didn't want to go to the store with him one afternoon. I was tired and just wanted to lay down after work. Funny that. I'm selfish but the more I think about him, he's self centered. Ack...enough of this or my blood might boil up again.
I had mentioned in a previous post about the outcasts in Junior high. We were a great troupe. There were only about 4 of us. Myself, Steven, Michael E (who I haven't seen since graduation), and Jim. Now, none of them new I was gay. Just wouldnt have gone over well in Junior high I think. We did all sit together at lunch though and make jokes, and it was the table of the "losers". I was never popular in Junior High. I was overweight and wore glasses, played in band for a year and then switched to Chior. Michael and Steve were both in the band though. I don't recall what Jim did. Not important I guess but it's funny how your mind brings things around to you. I had a crush on Jim. Hell, I thought he was hot. Don't think I ever told anyone that, not even Steve who is still a good friend of mine even if he does live in England now.
I wonder who's sitting at our table. I wonder if it's another group of misfits that eventually will grow up to be decent people. That's the funniest thing to me. The popular kids? Well, from what I know of a few of them, they're assholes just like they were then. I know that people change, but I also know that Paul (who I've known since first grade) is an asshole of a grande degree. Wish I could somehow impart this wisdom to my nephew. He's only 8, but maybe it would make a big difference in his life if he knew that you can't walk over people. Being unpopular can make you stronger. Most imporantly, life isn't about who's the most popular but who's trying to be the best human that they can. I don't really talk with my family much because we're very different people. Not sure what my brother would think if I should put this pearl of wisdom out there for my nephew. Last thing I need is to be the "meddling" uncle.
What an odd night. I sat in mostly silence all through the time I was sorting my music, but now, after a quick drive to the 7, it's starting to pick up steam. Usually means that I need to try and numb it out with a movie. I doubt I have the attention skills to really play my Batman game right now. So, my friends and loved ones (cause there's probably only three of ya that read this hehe), I'm off for a grande dinner of expensive fine foods, and quite possibly some theatre tickets to watch Sunday in the Park With George (thank ya Netflix). We'll see what tomorrow can bring to a loser that, for unkown reasons to himself, feels more like a winner now.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
So it may seem lame to be excited about a flower blooming, but when you wait and wonder what the damn thing is going to do, and then if just up and blossoms...well that really is rather magikal. (yes with a K because that's the real stuff to us pagans)
In reading a friend's blog today, it made me think of my past again. I spend a great deal of time back there actually. I wonder what my first seudo-boyfriend is doing. I wonder if I would even want to talk to him. I doubt it after what he put me through. But, it also made me realize that I have known some of my friends for most of my life. My buddy Steve and I met in Junior high when I was a fat kid that got picked on. He was the kind dorky band kid. The outcasts came together rather rapidly after that, but none of them has been a friend like Steve has.
I don't know if I miss high school. I don't know if I miss anyone from there really. I do wonder what some of them are up to. I wonder who's married now, who has kids, who's in the gutter and who's in the mansion. Four years of your life, you interact with these people. That's actually a really long time if you think about it. Four years I spent in the Red Dragon Players. Four years of the drama, of not being able to tell anyone that I was gay, of hiding from everyone. Funny how it comes back to you sometimes.
What seems even odder to me is that in all this time I have spent on this planet, I've always been a jewish mother to some degree. I'm the idiot that gives kids on the street change, or a couple of bucks because I feel for them. I know what it's like to be homeless. I've been there twice now. It's frightening, and it's lonely, and you begin to feel less than human. I guess I'm a "bleeding heart". It just bothers me when I see someone that I'd like to help, and not know how to do it. Sometimes though, you have to let them help themselves. I learned that painfully in the first person.
And that brings me back to the garden. My plants. My buddy J is going to pull up a perfectly good fuscia plant because it's not doing what he wants. A living, breathing entity. He's just going to toss it out in the trash. (well not if I get there first and give it a good home here) What the hell does that say about people? If you can't have the patience to take care a plant, and nurse it and prune it to make it grow better, then what roll do I play in his world? Plants are like children. Now granted, while I will do everything I can to bring a plant back to health, if it dies I don't really cry, but I do wonder why and then go off and buy a new one for the empty pot. It's just as easy as putting them out in the sun(if they like that) and making sure they have water. How hard is that? Prune off the dead stuff, feed them once in a while, moved them out of the sun if they look burned or aren't doing well. I can do this for a plant, but I don't know how to fix people.
There are times that I simply wish I could throw my arms around the world and squeeze a little, just to offer comfort, or make it smile. Maybe that's all I can do. Maybe it's my "gift". Maybe I'm a sucker, but I don't think so. To be able to reach out into the void of space and off just a bit of a hand to someone...well, that's what I think is important. So I offer my garden to you all. A little something to look at and hopefully smile about. Just think of it as my cosmic arms wrappin' around you in a squishy hug way and saying, "I know it can be bad, but I'm here if ya need me."
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Feeling a little odd about the previous post I had left. I tend to become rather...emotionally volatile when I don't have enough rest and food. Still, I think I'm going to leave it. There was some pertinent stuff there, if not for you, then for me. Nuff said on that subject.
I didn't have to yell at my coworker today. He was a real champ actually. He went to bed around 1 he said but was on time this morning at 7. He didn't appear either drunk, nor hung over. I think the Dieties that I talk to are working overtime for me right now. As it was a rather mellow day, it came to an odd conclusion at work. Three employees (plus myself) on at the same time and only two of us were really work, or rather doing anything. Now I don't normally yell, but I found myself becoming extremely brusk and saying "too many children behind the counter". Guess it was cause one of them had started three different projects and apparently had forgotten them all. Drives me crazy when that stuff happens cause I can't leave it alone. I finished one of the projects because if I hadn't, we would have had majorly melted ice cream everywhere. I soooo wanted to go back and ask "Are you here today? Do you think you can finish one thing at a time, or even finish something?" Good thing for them, I'm a nice guy and by the time I had run a couple of errands for the store, I was pretty much over it.
Then it was time. (and drawing nearer to the better time) I departed and ran down to Game Stop. My Batman Begins game came in today. It's sitting over here waiting and begging me to open is shrink wrap, pull forth the disc of glory, create a save file of dark vengance, and play until my eyes bleed and my brain is mush. Well, ok, only for a little while because at 5 Dan and Hawley are picking me up to go see Batman Begins on an Imax screen!! WOO HOO! Christian Bale hotness and Batman on screens that I have never seen the size of. Did I mention I haven't seen anything at an Imax? Well, this is the one baby! My geek flag is flying high and mighty right about now.
So in lew of everything, something for me to keep in mind...Life isn't as hard as it seems. You can actually get things you ask for. I got some of the greatest friends in the world. yeah...that about sums it up. I promise no spoilers if I discuss the Bats film tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Never allow anyone to rain on your parade and thus cast a pall of gloom and defeat on the entire day. Remember that no talent, no self-denial, no brains, no character, are required to set up in the fault-finding business. Nothing external can have any power over you unless you permit it. Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combatting the menial forces of hate, jealousy, and envy. Guard your fragile life carefully. Only God can shape a flower, but any foolish child can pull it to pieces. - Og Mandino
Well hell. The Universe definately gives you what you need when you need it. I don't know the person who's blog he got this from but I thank her too. Think I'm gonna paste this somewhere on my computer.
Work today? Nothing special. Worked with my boss which is pretty nice since I get to keep all the tips minus buying him a juice. Let's face it, to have $35 walking out the door is a small price to pay for buying him a $2.75 juice. He's even helping me to save money by taking whatever I give him out of my tips for the day and stashing it away for me. Yeah, I have a little trouble saying no to the comic shop and the local music shops. Luckily for me I am not a clothes horse.
So the problems sort of began with the afternoon. I went with an old friend to pick up the last copy of Theif of Always (a three graphic adaptation of Clive Barker's story. I'm a Barker fan for a lot of reason but you'll have to ask), and hit Hollywood Vid to see if I could find something to watch. Now normally I wind up coming home, checking sites on the net and laying down. I was tired.
I guess we were talking about money. I had loaned my bud a rather large some of money to help him when he didn't have a job and I didn't want to see him lose his condo. Ok, fine. Here I was talking to him about the money my brother owes me (roughly the same amount actually) and I got a subtle hint that we were both talking in subtle undertones from both our perspectives. Here's the problem. I'm a major pussy. I should have just said, "Hey dude, I need some of that money I loaned you." I couldn't. I don't kow why because I've known him for over 15 years now. What makes it all worse to me is that he has new doors going out to his patio, a new wine cabinet, a new recliner and a new satellite radio system for his car. His boyfriend works in computers, but my buddy boy works for OSH. How the hell can he afford all of this? I can see the radio being a birthday present. The rest? It's all "trying to make it all come together" in his terms reguarding his condo. Well what the hell about me? What I was gleaning from our conversation is "I don't have the money to pay you back." He has the money for home improvements though? Is anyone else seeing something wrong with this picture?
I do feel like a dooface when I'm with him at times because he comes across so much more confidently. He's more knowledgible (and I need to buy a dictionary dammit) than I am on most matters. He's vorbose in speaking his mind. In short, I think I lost him somewhere. I mean that. I think I lost him to the "me me me"s. I don't really know what to do about that. We're too different these days and I just don't know if there's a path back.
I need my friends. I mean that whole heartedly. I need them. I live alone, have no pets, usually spend the better part of my week alone. I need these people to help me with the emotional support that keeps me going even if it's a phone call. I don't care if we argue. I know that they'll be there.
This all seems most random from my brain to my fingers tonight. Fact is I'm scared a lot, and feeling like I'm drifting. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm starting to think it doesn't matter really. I do know what I want, but I don't quite know how to get it and it seems that I make a few too many turns here and there in getting to where I'm going. How do you learn to be confident? How do you learn to be hard? I'm worried about work tomorrow with a coworker because I know he's going out drinking. Ok, so his girlfriend and bandmates dumped him all in the course of a weekend. Fine. Get drunk but dear god almighty, please don't let him show up drunk or so hung over he can't function cause I'll have to send him home and look like a real asshole. I'm good at nice. I'm good at sweet, and cuddly even, sometimes I'm great at flirtatious, but I'm just no good yelling at people or being the hardass. I just don't know.
So to end this pitty party that I'm currently throwing for myself, I think I'll go get a shower and play some videogames. Maybe I'll email some folks cause it's my way of reaching out for that hand that I hope is there to grab me for the next trapeze. I know I won't fall, but I'm really wishing that the hand was here now, resting on my shoulder behind me with a smile on the face behind that. Pathetic....absolutely pathetic, but alas human I suppose.
At least tomorrow is going to see Batman Begins with Dan and Hawley. I sometimes think if not for them, I'd really be in danger of just not doing anything. I love those two. I suppose I should tell them that huh? Enough tired ramblings for my spinning mind. I'm sure I'll post something much better of spirit tomorrow.
Monday, June 13, 2005
He also brought something to my mind that I on the odd occaission think about. He said, "You know, when I was there I felt so free. I felt like I could finally think what I wanted." So what is it about the current state of our nation that is so oppressive? Are we heading back into the June and Ward Cleaver 50's? Why is it so hard to "be yourself" and not feel like your getting slapped down for that? Isn't there some way to fix this so everyone can feel free finally? It's not just a color issue either, or a gender issue, or even a sexuality issue. It's about people themselves. What a nation of sheep we're becoming. Tv ruling what we believe and newspapers exploiting the fact that they are supposed to report the enitre story...but they don't. We're being told what we are supposed to believe. How do you find the truth then? Something for me to really ponder. Still, I love this country. When you look at the big picture, it has such potential. We, and I mean all of us, it seems just need to work a little harder not on the government (which is supposed to be by the people, for the people) but on our social sense. Just my random thought. Nice dream. In a very odd way, it makes me think of Martin Luther's speech, the "I have a dream" speech.
Outside of political thinking, the day was rather nice. I got to work with Nat and I haven't actually had the chance to work with her for a while. It's nice to have a different face when you work the Mon-Friday opening shift. For a while it was just me and two others that rotated for the morning shifts. Helps that she's a good worker, had a great attitude, and has a wonderful personality. Got me in a good mood today.
After returning the rental car, who's sterio I miss already, I came home and logged on and saw that the Jackson verdict was going to be coming down momentarily. Well. Ya think I could tear myself away from that? Hell no! Aquitted on all 10 counts. Good for him. I mean that too. Did he do it? Was this another "OJ" case? Ya know, now I don't care. The man may be odd to most of us, but give him some peace finally. It's not like things are going well for him anyways. Appears he has health issues (something about back problems), and I'm sorry to say that I think his star is really waning. Let him go out with some respect if he chooses to retire completely. Good for you Michael Jackson. Hope they leave you alone now.
And that kinda puts us here, back where it started. Well almost. My pizza should arrive sometime in the next 45 and I'm starving. Oddly enough, I feel rather content. I got to speak with Dan about his play, I saw amazing pictures of Yanni's trip, going to watch a movie during dinner and then play some more X-Men, how could life not be goodly?
I may have to write more later because my brain is humming with things but I needed to get this down first. Needed to be reminded that we could all be more free, things could be better, but we all have to get down and dirty and work for it. Maybe it's all just sinkin' in now after all these years on this little blue planet. Well, at least for me it seems to be.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
My Million Bells that are going a bit wild in the pot.
And my oldest friend, the fern I bought when I moved in here almost two years ago.
Let me tell ya, having a plant is like having a kid at times. I'm currently trying to bring one little guy back to life, suffering the loss of my Delphinium (although one is struggling back to life I think) and trying to keep the bugs from devouring everything. Gives me something to take care of really. Something to piddle around with but it becomes a bit of an obsession if you start into it. I prefer to use bugs like ladybugs, lacewings, praying mantis to keep the garden pest under control and that's kinda funny in itself. I'm afraid when I do get my mantis that they're going to be eating the ladybugs if I release them too soon. Garden warfare indeed!
So I did little yesterday other than going to the Metaphysical bookstore with my friends James and Jeffrey and today, I've been too lazy to care about anything really. Well, not true. I raked up the garden, cut stuff back a bit, fed and watered, and pissed the afternoon away here on the internet. Slowly I'll have this little site the way I want it, learn all the ins and outs. Just really wish that I had another day or two to just kick around. I'm not ready for Monday really.
My Mondays tend to start on Sunday night when I go in to do an inventory and make lists of what we need, or rather I need, to buy for the following day. Doesn't really take long but it's just the act of going in and doing this that bothers me to some degree. Means that I'm already at work, even when I'm off work and we're closed. Ah....to win the lottery and not have to work for a while.
Put a few links up for folks that I read. I have to warn ya that Not That Boy can have some interesting picts up on his site. He's a porn star in New York. Can't say I have met him, but he seems like a nice enough guy. Kinda fun to see what the life of a porn star is like ya know? The other sites are pretty much my friends. System Buster I don't actually know but I read his live journal. Again...seems like a nice enough guy and now I'm kinda hooked on his site for some reason. Go fig.
Ah the hour is drawin to a close here and still haven't gotten around to cleaning up here in the studio. Maybe I'll save that for tomorrow night after I get back from my trip back to the shop after work. Ya know, I spend WAY too much time at that damn shop, but I'd hate it if I weren't there as well I think. It's sort of like my own personal version of Cheers (which I actually didn't like when it was on). It's a bunch of folks that I know that all know me, bunch of regulars I see every morning of the week and share a couple of jokes with...or sneers at when they aren't looking (yeah I'm a stinker).
Perhaps I'll see if I can get more interesting life material going, but in the meantime, I have some cds to start creating, and there's always video games that need playing. After all, how can you resist being Bobby Drake the Iceman kicking The Toad's mutant butt? Gotta love a superhero.
And one day I'll figure out how these fonts and sizes work, I swear.
It's all about friends that you may not have met but who love and accept you.
Even the people you chat with online can be more supportive than those you see everyday.
I love me some Ruby Jane. I hadn't talked with her in forever and there she was on a board a frequent and I was in chat, she jumped in and here it is maybe 2 hours later and we're just finished. I so wish that I had the time and money to just go and visit her. I wish we all lived closer to one another. I don't know if we'd get along in person, or if all of us off the board would even be able to deal with each other but....there are just some people that you love for no good reason.
I have a bad mothering streak. I know this. I've had it all my life. I want to protect people and try and drive away their ills. Just silly to me sometimes though cause I'm worried that they'll think that I am "hitting on them". I had to ask a friend from the same board if he realized I wasn't perving on him because we all get a bit raunchy from time to time and definately irreverant. Luckily he laugh (well he "lol"d) and said that he knew I wasn't. He's just this really talent kid from Wyoming that makes amazing artwork and ... well he can't seem to find a decent woman. I guess I really like Synth cause he appears that he'd be rather shy to some degree and shy people make me more comfortable cause I fit that discription off line. Still, I wonder if he'd freak if I hugged him.
You ever had that happen? You ever find yourself wanting to just reach through a computer and hug the stuffings out of someone cause they just seem like they could use one? But i don't know if it would freak him out. Ponderous indeed. Of course the big problem is that I do think that he's cute too so...added issues on my part. Maybe I need a new rule that states: "Thou Shalt Not hug those that thou thinkest art cute." cause once that barrier is broken, I want more hugs from them. Does that make me the needy one?
Still, all in all, I know that I have people that care and love me even without having met me in person. It's definately a warming feeling. Gives ya hope in an odd way. Makes me dream more as well. Maybe out there in the cosmos, there really is the "right person" and I just haven't met them yet. Better than thinking that I had and lost them. Not going there tonight. Definately not going to open that can. I'll save that for another time.
Amazing how at 1am, my mind seems to work the best and processes things so well. How little things somehow suddenly click. The universe seriously does like it's little tricks and jokes, but right now I know that they're laughing with me becuase they're happy for me. So, Thanks out there. Thanks for the love and friends.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
I realized last night, after renting a car to drive to San Francisco, that supporting your friends can be a real chore at times. My friends have a band and they were having a cd release party at a bar/club. It was supposed to be starting at 7pm. I ran into two of the members at my coffee shop and they told me they weren't going to head up until around 8. Ok, I thought, they'll be on stage around 10ish and I'll drive home and get some sleep afterwards. Doesn't always work out right as you all know.
The band didn't take the stage until around 11:30 last night. Now, I'm all for having a good time, but I wasn't going to be drinking last night and I had gotten a late start anyway. I hadn't really had much to eat so I was tired and a bit hungry. I had stopped for coffee at my shop (and to pick up my Thomas Bros. guide which is indespensible when driving in San Francisco), and headed out. By the time I had found the club and parked, it was around 10. The opening band hadn't even taken the stage and everyone kept trying to buy me drinks. That's when it really all started for me.
I love these people. They are creative and sometimes wacky and seem to know how to have a good time. I apparently do not. I found I have nothing really to say to any of them. I wasn't feeling at all witty, or for that matter, extremely energetic. I chatted with a few people and then like the wallflower I am, found myself feeling like a hanger-on, watching as everyone esle had a good time. Now this isn't really new to me. I tend to go places and I focus on what's on stage rather than the people around me. I get lost in my own universe of music, or theatre, or whatever it may be. That's fine when you're at the movies, but when you are dealing with the public, well....I don't know what to say about that. And not knowing what to say to anyone? Well, what can you do about that? I dislike idle conversation for the most part because it tends to bore me and, worse yet, I realized I don't really have much in common with these people.
So there I am at a club in San Francisco on Friday night at roughly 11:30 as my friends begin their set, and I'm standing outside having a smoke (yeah sorry folks but I'm trying not to I swear), when I just up and left. I didn't even really think about it. I knew that no one was going to be looking for me, so I just got back in the rental and drove home. "Is this pathetic?", I wondered this morning. I mean really? Is it? I'm starting to think that it's just that I don't relate with these other people much.
After a bit of breakfast, I do feel better. Of course going to the comic shop (and buying We3, Marvel 1602, Ex Machina, and Nightcrawler) I feel a little lesser in the wallet but, it's turning out to be an ok day.
Funny how you're mind works when you least expect it because, after reading Larry's blog, I realized I had some wierd dreams last night. I don't know how the people were, I don't know where I was in the dream, and I have no clue what was going on...but I woke up feeling like I had just hung out with all my friends at the same time. I felt an odd sense of being loved, of finally fitting in somewhere. Why this has to happen in a dream state, I don't know.
My buddy James and I are planning to have a bit of coffee soon, and then hit a metaphysical bookstore so please, pray for my wallet. Breaking news will be transmitted along with pictures perhaps.