Thursday, June 23, 2005

I really thought about deleting last nights entry. Then I thought about it a little more and decided that it needed to stay. Why? Well because it's me. It's the real me to a larger extent. I'm not always happy go lucky. I'm a very insecure person in certain situations. I can go to the depths like anyone else and, last night that was where I was. Being that I'm insecure, I am wiggin slightly because I sent a message to the DJ last night before bed and haven't heard anything. I just hope that he doesn't think I'm a real psycho now.

It's just really hard to be Superman. I think I said something about this in a previous posting, but the truth is, I do feel that I have to keep it together. I am cynical sometimes, sometimes a major dork, sometimes I feel a loneliness that makes me want to cry. Do I show it? Well, to those people that don't know me, they won't see it. It's my Superman mask so to speak. Here though, I'm simply writing my thoughts so, there goes the mask.

I don't know why I do this. I guess a lot of it has to do with the whole High School experience partially. Never felt excessively close to my parents who told me that I could tell them anything, but honestly, what kid wants to tell their parents they are depressed and feel like slitting their wrists? Hell, half the parents I know would have them locked up quickly. I digress.

What I wanted to talk about is my bad sense that I have to keep it all together and not show what's really going on. If you're gay, you know about hiding. You tend to learn how to hide certain feelings at an early age. That's just my opinion mind you. So when my father first got sick, I didn't think much of it. When he found out it was cancer, I didn't know how to deal with it. When he really started getting sick, I got annoyed with him thinking that if he would just get up and move around and try to do things he'd feel better. As things got progressively worse, I wound up being, pretty much, the primary care giver. I did everything for him including one time helping him take a bath. All this time though, I was at work at the theatre like nothing was going wrong. The last time that my father had to go to the hospital, I just about lost it entirely. It was at least 6 months after all of this started and I just about lost it and started crying uncontrolably as I waited for an ambulance and nurse to show up. But hey, I'm Superman and kept it together until he was loaded into the ambulance and I had to drive behind them to the hospital. Never try to keep from crying and drive at the same time. I guess I did all that keeping it together partially for him, and mostly because there was no one but me to take care of me. Well that's what I felt at the time. Inside though, Superman crumbles a lot of the time and I become a little 5 year old that want someone to hold him and make him feel better. Since I don't have that in my life really, I learned to tuck it away and deal with it by allowing it to move through me and by talking to my Dieties.

So last night was uncomfortable and I felt miserable afterwards. In the long run, big deal. I'm a live and I have some amazing friends (even those that I have yet to meet and live in different states from me). That is one thing I take solice in. I appreciate them all beyond belief. And at the risk of turning extremely mushy, I love them all very much with all my heart. After all, they're my strength when I'm the weakest. Ah....there goes the emotions agian :)

So I got my first tagging so I will leave ya with this meme:

A lifetime is a blink in my mind's eye.

5 years ago I was working at a theatre thinking I was king of the world, and possibly in love.

Yesterday I discovered that I need to learn how to deal with people I don't know better and just learn to have a good time.

Tomorrow would have been my Friday but I have to work on Saturday so I have to celebrate a day later.

5 snacks I enjoy include Pringles (except those nasty cheese ones), Hummus and Pita chips, Granny Smith apples crisp and right out of the fridge, Beef Jerkey, Girl Scout Thin Mints (out of the freezer!)

5 songs I know the words to, even without the music Tina Turner's What's Love Got To Do With It, Fats Waller's Honeysuckle Rose, Luck Be A Lady Tonight, The Maid of the Sweet Brown Knoll (irish song), and an Italian art song I can't spell that I learned for chior

5 things I would do with $100,000,000. Oh well, I'd take a vacation. I'd buy a better car. I'd take all my friend out somewhere that I rented for the night to dance dance dance to our favourite DJ! I'd buy some stuff for friends, and I'd still try and sock some away so I wouldn't have to work for a while. I would finally get around to making art!

5 locations I'd like to run away to Ireland, Canada, Israel, Seattle(maybe), somewhere on the East coast cause I've never been there.

5 bad habits I have Smoking, forgetting bills, not eating properly, being too damn meek at times.

5 things I like doing Making out (stolen from Larry but hey, who doesn't?), playing videogames, gardening, long talks with friends late into the night, dancing with friends

5 things I would never wear thong underwear (shudder), sleeveless white t-shirts, gold jewlery, diapers

5 TV shows I like (well most are off the air now or I see them on dvd cause I don't have cable) Deadwood (best western ever!), Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Absolutely Fabulous, This Old House/New Yankee Workshop

5 movies I like Beautiful Thing, The Good The Bad and the Ugly, X-Men1&2, Groove, My Own Private Idaho, Berkeley in the Sixties (ok that's 6 but the last one is a documentary so it doesn't really count)

5 famous people I'd like to meet River Phoenix, Tom Lenk (that's Andrew from Buffy, YUM!), Seth Green, Tina Turner, Ghandi

5 biggest joys at the moment a recently blooming plant that I can't identify, Batman Begins on my PS2, knowing I'll be seeing Wicked in a month and a half, reading while I eat breakfast at my favourite cafe, my music

5 favorite toys my 12 inch (easy now) Nightcrawler action figure, Hulk gloves that make noise when ya hit something, my Disney drumsticks that light up when you hit them, my PS2, the downloaded demo of Fruity Loops3

1 comment:

Larry said...

Thanks Tiger!