The quicky

Ack, getting late in the afternoon and I still have to do some reading for school. And, it's hot in here dammit and opening the window isn't going to help....least not for another couple of hours. All I really wanna do is lay down for a while and relax. Think I will but I had something on my mind.

My buddies at work are mostly male. There's 7 out of 10 of us that are male, so it goes to figure most of them are straight. I'm the exception. I feel rather excluded sometimes from them. They talk to one another about women and dates and other assundry things, and I feel a bit like an outsider from time to time. They're all cool with me being gay, and even disucussing who I have the hots for. It's just when they start laughing together and talking about "damn she's hot" type stuff that I feel really excluded from the men's club. It's almost like they are all buds and the am the band dork that happens to hang around them who they happen to like and tolerate. I don't think any of them like the music I play. That sucks because I open the store and try and tailor music to the people I work with because I know what it's like working to music you absolutely hate.

Guess this all has to do with a comment I overheard about my "gay music". Shit, when you get enough shit over something, you stop thinking that they are joking. No one says anything to me about the music other than usually, "Who is this?". Sometimes one of my morning coworkers laughs a little when he says it, but I figured they were ok with it. Guess it's all revolving around the word "gay". It just bothers me. So what if I like music that they wouldn't normally listen to? They can go and foad about it if they really want. And all I ever hear from them is "no no, it's cool man." I've put up with metal (which i really dislike most of), prog (which can put me to sleep on the odd occaission), Reggae (which I like but NOT every friggin day please!) and other styles that I can't recall right now. I at least try and mix it up a bit ya know? Shit, I would be playing my bangin' techno but no one likes it. Go fig eh?

So what about this "gay" music of mine? Well what about the word gay? Sure, I am gay but I don't make a big deal about it. I'm not flamey. I don't say "sister" unless I do it in an affected voice and everyone knows I'm joking around. I don't flit. Gay music meaning, lame. Does that make ME lame? This is the only instance of that word being used where it's bothered me at all. I can hear them say, "that's so gay" and really not be affected in the least, but this seems rather personal. My music really is personal because we are talking about my sense of taste and what I tend to like. Lame, gay, call it what you will but it bothers me to the extent that I feel like they're laughing in the "men's club" about it. Laughing at me about my taste in music, and about me in general. And guess what, I don't get to be in on the joke cause I feel outside the loop of the "men's club".

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel different but, right now, when I'm a little tired and need to eat (see how my brain does not work properly at this juncture), I almost hate them for making it so I feel like I was in Jr. High again, and being laughed at by the "cool" kids. Anger won't make me lash out, but I definately will find a devious way to get into that club.