Saturday, June 18, 2005

I tried

I thought I could get away with not posting here today. Today being Saturday, it's been slow and lazy and I loved it. I spent the most of the day here on the computer. Why? Don't know, just happened that way. I had every intention of being infront of the TV playing Batman Begins but....there ya go.

Ya know, there is a down side to the weekends. I frittered away my Saturday, and considering that I am going to be working Mon-Sat this week, I really feel like I should do something exciting tomorrow. Problem is that on Sundays I tend to start thinking about work. I realize that I shouldn't but I know that if I don't go in tomorrow and make my Costco list, I'll be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off on Monday. I think it's time for much needed vacation...if I had the cash for it.

Ya know, I had written something in a poem (yeah I write them too) about not having a life before you get trapped by comfort and excess. Lately I've been thinking about that again. It's the constant nagging problem I'm having with J (my bud that owes me the money). It's sort of the more you have, the more you want problem. Now I live in a studio apartment. It's small, has a kitchen and a bathroom which aren't part of my main room. I like it. I'm not sure what I would do with a one bedroom because there would be extra space and I'd feel like I needed to buy a couch, dinner table, whatever. I kinda live lean and mean, with the exception that I keep buying cds, comics, books, and dvds. I don't make really good money at the shop, but I have enough to keep me supported (well thanks in part to the remaining money saved from an inheritance). The thought though that I'm actually kinda trapped bothered me. I am. This in some wierd way is comfort and excess. What would I do if I found myself homeless again? Freak completely. I refuse to be homeless a third time.

Just a word about that for a second here. My father died and I found myself suddenly without a place to live the first time. It took me over 6 months or more to find a place to live. There was the issue that I was working and not making much money at the theatre (I was a tech director). The inheritance from dad's estate was coming but no one knew when. I slept on couches a lot. I basically lived with my friend J who was renting a room from a mutal friend. Think I overstayed that welcome. Still, I eventually moved into a house with my friend Doll (thanks to a loan from my mom and my boss at the time). Second time was after I came back from New Orleans and that was really horrible. I slept in the attic of the coffee shop, sometimes slept at my friend Dan's (he had to sneak me in), sometimes slept in my car. Then I got a job in the "real work place" world. Now with more money, I was spending all my cash on food, gas, and hotel rooms. Ya know what? It makes you start to feel like you are less human than other people. You start to feel dirty whether you are or not because you have no place to go at the end of the day. You feel less than. It spiralled down from there and got really ugly but that's for another posting. Just saying, I know what I consider to be important because of all of this.

Did J really need new sliding glass doors to his patio? Don't think so. Does he need to redo his kitchen cabinets and all that rot? Don't think so. Did he need to buy a wine cabinet (and the damn thing is huge! Looks like a tall armoir for fucks sake). Don't think so. The new recliner I saw there? Think not. This is a guy that had been pulling a salary of 90,000 who got the pink slip treatment. So he works at OSH. Ok, but does he need all this rot? Just buggin me lately. Maybe I'm just jealous but, I don't think so. Hell, when I got a new DVD player to replace the one that conked out on me, his comment was "Now we need to work on getting you a new Tv." Well shit, I have a perfectly good one. I did my research when I went to buy it, priced around and got what I wanted. Why should I need a newer, better one??

Wow, this is turning into a bitch fest for some reason. Guess I actually have some kinda major issues right now with J. Too bad too because, like I said, I've known him almost since I moved out here to California in 89. He was much different then though. He was fun. Now I fear that he's going to come out to me as a republican. Seems that it all is about money to him. He'll probably claim that it's about the "quality of life" but I think that's a cop out. I mean, I'm perfectly happy living in my little studio (even if I wish it were a little bigger at times). I'm happy, for the most part, at the shop. My bettering of myself will come when I finally get off my ass and finish writing the stories I've started and the plays that are in my head. Shit, who knows if anyone wants to produce them or read them, but I will have something to leave behind. There'll be a little piece of myself for my niece and nephew. Some of the stories I have in my head are for them specifically. Guess I just don't understand my friend anymore.

I still want things. I want a boyfriend. I want to wake up to someone with teeth that need brushing, look at them sleeping and snuggle closer for a few minutes. Hell, I wanna kiss them when they wake up. I want a pet. I want to get a cat but the studio is kinda small. I want a better car, even if my 78 corrolla is still working. Mosty, I want the companion, and the time to hang out with friends, go dancing, even go visit the cool folks I'm meeting on the net. So there are things that I want, but it's not necessary. Just stuff that I'd like to have in my life. Mostly I guess I just want to be able to share myself with people. Kinda sounds silly when I typed it but I think that's what is really in my head right now. Just sounds nice to me....that and a vacation.


Larry said...

Michael I need to be clear that what I'm about to type is platonic.

I love you.

In fact, you abso-fucking-lutely scare me. It's like discovering I've been cloned.

It's important that you know I'm having some issues with my online friends. It seems some people like me more than I want and some not nearly enough. I keep sticking my foot in my mouth because I keep writing the wrong things to people. For all I know I'm doing that right now.

But know that in this big world of billions that there are matches and commonality among us. You aren't off on your own really. Neither am I. We're just physically separated from the multitude of other people like us.

I'm not sure if that qualifies as reassurance, but take it for the intent that I'm driving at.

And while it's doubtable that we will ever wake up together, rest assured that if I was there you would at the very least have someone to hang out with and confide in.

Michael said...

Well we are too much a like sometimes because I was wondering if I needed a shoe horn to take both my feet out of my mouth. And I would love nothing more than to just hang out and chill with ya. (I'd even cook ya dinner!) I'll drop you more in an email later.

Max Sherry said...

I have some great ideas :) But no time to explain right now. Nevermind. Next time.