You ever find yourself wondering just which you you really are? I haven't said much about myself here yet. Figured that those that are possibly reading this already know me, but I realize that I'm a multifacetted personna. There's a gothy me, a raver me, a punkish me, a queeny me, the introspective philosophical me. There's too many "me"s to keep up with sometimes. It even confuses yours truly. I guess it all comes down to being a human. I'm not the machine that I like to pretend that I am to the general populous at times.
Work today? Nothing special. Worked with my boss which is pretty nice since I get to keep all the tips minus buying him a juice. Let's face it, to have $35 walking out the door is a small price to pay for buying him a $2.75 juice. He's even helping me to save money by taking whatever I give him out of my tips for the day and stashing it away for me. Yeah, I have a little trouble saying no to the comic shop and the local music shops. Luckily for me I am not a clothes horse.
So the problems sort of began with the afternoon. I went with an old friend to pick up the last copy of Theif of Always (a three graphic adaptation of Clive Barker's story. I'm a Barker fan for a lot of reason but you'll have to ask), and hit Hollywood Vid to see if I could find something to watch. Now normally I wind up coming home, checking sites on the net and laying down. I was tired.
I guess we were talking about money. I had loaned my bud a rather large some of money to help him when he didn't have a job and I didn't want to see him lose his condo. Ok, fine. Here I was talking to him about the money my brother owes me (roughly the same amount actually) and I got a subtle hint that we were both talking in subtle undertones from both our perspectives. Here's the problem. I'm a major pussy. I should have just said, "Hey dude, I need some of that money I loaned you." I couldn't. I don't kow why because I've known him for over 15 years now. What makes it all worse to me is that he has new doors going out to his patio, a new wine cabinet, a new recliner and a new satellite radio system for his car. His boyfriend works in computers, but my buddy boy works for OSH. How the hell can he afford all of this? I can see the radio being a birthday present. The rest? It's all "trying to make it all come together" in his terms reguarding his condo. Well what the hell about me? What I was gleaning from our conversation is "I don't have the money to pay you back." He has the money for home improvements though? Is anyone else seeing something wrong with this picture?
I do feel like a dooface when I'm with him at times because he comes across so much more confidently. He's more knowledgible (and I need to buy a dictionary dammit) than I am on most matters. He's vorbose in speaking his mind. In short, I think I lost him somewhere. I mean that. I think I lost him to the "me me me"s. I don't really know what to do about that. We're too different these days and I just don't know if there's a path back.
I need my friends. I mean that whole heartedly. I need them. I live alone, have no pets, usually spend the better part of my week alone. I need these people to help me with the emotional support that keeps me going even if it's a phone call. I don't care if we argue. I know that they'll be there.
This all seems most random from my brain to my fingers tonight. Fact is I'm scared a lot, and feeling like I'm drifting. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm starting to think it doesn't matter really. I do know what I want, but I don't quite know how to get it and it seems that I make a few too many turns here and there in getting to where I'm going. How do you learn to be confident? How do you learn to be hard? I'm worried about work tomorrow with a coworker because I know he's going out drinking. Ok, so his girlfriend and bandmates dumped him all in the course of a weekend. Fine. Get drunk but dear god almighty, please don't let him show up drunk or so hung over he can't function cause I'll have to send him home and look like a real asshole. I'm good at nice. I'm good at sweet, and cuddly even, sometimes I'm great at flirtatious, but I'm just no good yelling at people or being the hardass. I just don't know.
So to end this pitty party that I'm currently throwing for myself, I think I'll go get a shower and play some videogames. Maybe I'll email some folks cause it's my way of reaching out for that hand that I hope is there to grab me for the next trapeze. I know I won't fall, but I'm really wishing that the hand was here now, resting on my shoulder behind me with a smile on the face behind that. Pathetic....absolutely pathetic, but alas human I suppose.
At least tomorrow is going to see Batman Begins with Dan and Hawley. I sometimes think if not for them, I'd really be in danger of just not doing anything. I love those two. I suppose I should tell them that huh? Enough tired ramblings for my spinning mind. I'm sure I'll post something much better of spirit tomorrow.
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