It's late and I should be heading to bed. Should. Funny cause when I got to the club tonight, I honestly thought to myself, "Well. This could be fun. Maybe I'll do a little dancing." Then when I started not meeting people, I started realizing that I was alone watching everyone else mix and mingle with their friends. If you haven't experienced this, I hope you never do.
I did meet up with the DJ. He's a nice guy but I feel that I came across as a total idiot. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't come up with anything witty to say. Generally he led the little bit of conversation that we had and it was stilted and I felt stupid. Now I feel like emailing him and appologising because I am kinda tired, I'm not at my best, and I felt stupid. Sometimes I think I'm just not cut out to handle this whole "going out" thing. It might have been easier if I had friends there but it's really hard for me to just walk up and talk to someone I don't know. You always wonder how they percieve you and when you are at a club, just seems that they are having a good time just like everyone else ya know? I really wonder what damaged me in my life to hinder me from just having fun on my own around people. I don't know.
I feel like giving up it to tell the truth. I feel that if I go out, it's just not going to be a good experience generally. I do partially blame my job. Up at 5ish in the morning, then maybe a nap, but I still don't feel relaxed and loose like I do on the weekends. Worse, I really thought that I looked good tonight. For once I felt I was rather attractive ya know? The one other person that decided to talk to me was someone that was either more damaged than me, or was on speed. I can't tell which. I do unfortunately know speed talking through someone. Maybe he was just as insecure as I was and trying to find someone to talk to, but again, the conversation was stinted and he did most of the talking. Learned a little more about him than I cared to but hey, someone talked to me I guess.
Now, it's time for bed. I got a little Janis Ian telling me what the world was like for her. For some reason hearing At Seventeen right now just seems fitting. Misfits. I swear we should just form a club, take over the country or something. Yeah right. I guess Elton John was right when he said "sad song say so much", and sometimes when it's bleakest in here...they're the only thing that really soothes a saddened soul.
So that's my report. I liked the DJ set. I didn't dance. I felt out of place. I spent $6 on two calistogas and hardly talked to anyone. What a fun person I must be eh? yeah right. Feh on it all. At least I know my place when I get to work tomorrow. There I can be me, and feel comfortable. Just feel doomed right now is all. Doomed to a life of constant routine of the normal. Pathetic is gonna be my new motto for a while.