There are times that you just want to throw in the towel all together and be done with all the stupid shit that life throws your way ya know? Times when you aren't exactly sure what it is you're supposed to be doing, and more importantly why things haven't actually worked. I sometimes think that if I knew the answers to my why questionings, I could change things in the future...make them work the way I wanted them to, but I know that's not the case.
D & H's ultrasound was today. It took me over and hour to realize that I had just seen the face of their son. (yes they are having a boy) It was a 3-D ultrasound which is a bit surreal and being that I didn't get a chance to really lay down or relax after work today...it was all that more bizzar in some sense. I saw their son smile, saw his hands, his feet, his face. It really is amazing. I know I should be more excited and happy, and partially I am but the honest truth of the matter is that things are going to change again soon and may never be the same. I thought a lot tonight about this whole situation, the child, the relationship I see them have. I know that there are behind the scene apsects I'm not privy to, but I see this relationship of two people that love each other enough to have a kid together. It's something I'll never have. I'll never have a child, and the way that things have been going in my life...I'm not sure I'll ever experience that level of love again.
I know that I would gladly give D my heart even if I weren't dead should he need it. I know that I love him more than I should. I know I can never be that person to him that H is. I sometimes wish that I were straight because I don't see them having to deal with these issues. Worse, I know that deep down, these feelings for D will never completely go away for me. I'm not sure I want them to either because, well just because, I honestly don't know why. I feel like I'm about to lose him after the child is born. No more concerts for a while. Probably few films. He'll have a family. Maybe that's what I really wanted all along. What worse is that I would gladly have one with him but I'm not able to give him what he wants.
K and I talked a bit more today. The more we talk, the more I realize that he'll be a friend in the end. I mean who was I fooling other than me? He is married to a woman, and he has stepkids. I think I just fooled myself and lied to myself for so long that I believed my own hype. Foolish. Foolish hearts and foolish minds that see a smile and become crushed.
It's not that my life is bleak. Far from it. It's not that I don't have people that I love and adore with all my heart and soul. Far from it. It's just hard realizing that things are about to change again and I'm not sure exactly how to deal with it. Usually I would turn inward, drop out of society for a while, hermitize myself. I don't think I can do that because, well, that seems to be the wierd state that I live in once work is done.
Cry me a river, I know, but why is it that every time I meet a guy that I actually really like, honestly think could be a potential boyfriend, someone that lives near me and seems to find me interesting and/or attractive....they are almost always straight? Well I'm a bastard because I don't want second best. I don't want to accept someone just because they may go out with me (with all appologies to the guy from the bookstore). I'll admit it, I'm picky as shit. Course it also doesn't help that I meet amazing people that don't live anywhere near my state here in the US.
I live in the Bay Area, near San Francisco and I can't get a date? The best I can do is find straight guys to fall for because most of the gay ones are annoying to me? Honestly, it's enough to make me consider moving to Canada or something dumb like that.
I know that there is someone out there for me. I know that he's waiting just like I am, and maybe he's dreaming of me just like I'm dreaming of him. I also know I don't need him to make me complete. This doesn't mean though, that I wouldn't like to find him.
I'll get over all this. It may be lack of sleep, lack of food, or just that I care too much about D and I thought I was over all that. But for now....the world just got a little too small for me and I'm feeling squeezed outside again looking in.
