Monday Monday

... with all due respect to the Mommas and the Poppas, well it wasn't that bad today. Kinda wierd but not bad. I think that the rain kept people out a bit, plus the fact that it was Monday, plus the fact that it was the first Monday after pushing the clocks ahead an hour.

So, he didn't come in today damnit. My mysterious tall man (who's name I have actually found out), we'll just call him K for now. Last time I saw him was on Friday and he said the immortal words of "We'll talk later.". I'm still trying to figure out that one. My best guess is that he is probably gay, but whether he's single or not? Yet to be seen, but I'm planning on trying to find out ;) At any rate, he's the first guy in a long time that's come in that made me starting thinking that maybe I could find a date for prom if ya know what I mean.

I did get to talk to my buddy on Saturday for a long time. Made me very happy indeed. (and he knows who he is so there's nothing more to say about that now is there?) Hugs to ya bud.

So I keep promising to do this 5 album thing but here's the problem, everytime I start thinking about music now I find myself tripping down memory lane. There's Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys that I would listen to with my dad over dinner. There's the Pet Shop Boys song West End Girls that I first heard in Texas while walking my friend's dog one night and was completely blown away by it. There are songs I can't listen because they bring up memories that while good at the time, are now a bit painful to think about. There's all the times I lay in my bed listening to LIVE's Mental Jewelry dreaming of a better world, or someone to enter my world to make it better. Funny what music can do for you, and how much it really affects most of us.

Wierder thoughts run through my head lately as well. Rather adult-ish thoughts actually so be forewarned. Only reason I've even decided to write about it is because I find it interesting and slightly disturbing to some degree. So here goes nothin....

I think I lack a sex drive. Not saying I don't get horny. Not saying that I don't have a bit of the ol' "praying to the bishop" if you get my meaning...but in general I think I lost that sex drive somewhere. I think it's very odd actually. I don't ever really remember being that horny little teenager. I don't remember ever "getting" it on a regular basis and maybe that's the problem? I mean come on, you go long enough by yourself and I kinda started thinking, "Well it would be nice but it's not going to happen so why bother?" Maybe I'm just wired differently from everyone else, I honestly don't know. I see my friends enjoying their sexuality, and I feel like I'm bored with mine. I mean honestly, is that normal? Yeah, more questions because I don't even have a go with myself every day. Sometimes it's been almost the entire week, and I'm starting to think that it's partially work related too because I have my mind focussed on work 80% of the time. Hm...maybe I just need to find that one really sexy, horny guy who loves me and go to town? Granted, he'd have to be my boyfriend cause I'm rather territorial when it comes to sex. There's emotional ties that I find myself attaching, which is why I don't do the whole just jump in the sack with the cute guy that may want to (should he ever show up). Now the worst of all of this is that...I'm feel really like an old codger because of this.

Have you ever felt that you wasted your entire life and you're just pulling time until your body is dead? Well, that's me sometimes. I do love my friends, and I like my studio, and I do have some fun every now and then but for the most part I'm wondering again what the hell is it that I actually do? What is my function in this world? All my ambitions from when I was kid seem to have been sent into some box deep in a storage unit. I lack the motivational forces that I need right now. I need a muse actually. I need that muse to come into my life to get my creative juices flowing so hard and fast that I can do nothing more than write, or act, or just create. So, if anyone sees my Muse hanging out nearby, please send them my way cause I'd appreciate it.

I don't know anymore. Sex is wierd. Life is wierd. The world is definately wierd. It was never like this when I was imagining it growing up ya know? And, yeah, I am jealous of folks that have sex hehe. I mean it. Then again I know couples that are together for years now that don't really get their funky groove on that much. Must be odd. If I could just detach myself from these stupid emotions and let myself have fun....well maybe I'd be getting laid ;) Ah the joys of being a strange man in a strange land. Hm.

I think it's time for a bit of dinner and then a bit of the new videogame I rented, The Godfather. Having a good time with it because you get to move through the ranks of the Corleone family. Oh there's extortion, hit contracts, stealing cars, busting up the rival familys (if you can) and gaining the respect of your own "family". Wish I knew where I got this damn fascination with the Italian Mob but hey....everyone has to have a hobby ya know?

Be safe. Be well. Be loved!