2011

It's been over 4 years now since I wrote here. So many things have changed, so much has happened over the course of time. I forgot what it was like to have a place to put my thoughts.

And how odd is it that with so much change, it feels as if nothing has sometimes. I'm still where I was to some degree. Same place, same job, same life almost. The only things that have changed have been silly items like facebooking and twitter. Watching Glee tonight just reminded me how much I want my life to change for the better. How much I want someone to be there next to me, with me. And how much I don't feel like I fit in even with the gay community.

I know I'm not some 20 year old running out there to find life. I feel like those years were stolen from me in a lot of ways along with parts of my youth. And I'm not sure just who the hell I am sometimes anymore. Which "me" am I? Who does the person I'm dealing with want me to be? Who am I supposed to be and is it even really me at some point. I just know that someone out there wants me for me. It's the only thing I have to keep hoping for, that I'll find that person one day. Silly as it sounds, I saw them in a dream and I know they exist somewhere. I just don't know where.

I wish I was 25 again. Wish I could go back and try and make things better for myself. Wish that I could find the capacity to not be so shy and open up and not feel like I'm a dork whenever I meet someone I think is attractive. But that door is shut. I'm 45 and living in a studio apartment which is all I can afford. And that has to be enough for now.

Sure, I still wait for the knight in shining armor. I still want to be swept off my feet. I still want to be able to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me. I just don't understand how it all works anymore. I know it can happen, and I am still praying that it does happen. Maybe this coming year. Maybe if I'm good to myself, someone else might come along and see me and decide I am what they want too.