Monday, July 25, 2005

Monday monday

It was back as soon as I noticed that it was 5:40am rather than 5:20ish, Monday. Luckily for me I'm a dork and laid out what shirt I was going to wear today plus a clean pair of socks. Nothing like being prepared for the "Holy Shit! I'm Late!" days eh?

Nothing really went to terribly wrong at first. I got the shop open on time. I didn't have that little bit of time I really enjoy to myself out side with a cup of coffee but hey, I opened on time. What more can you ask for? Slow slow slow morning too. Then little things went wrong. The main one? Ben. He's the guy I've been pining over for a long time now. I think I finally figured out that yes, he is gay, but I'm not entirely sure. I've tried to get him to come out with me and friends on the odd occaission with no luck. After a week of not seeing him at all (since I only see him when he comes in the shop), I was rather pleased to see him last week. Now the funny thing to this little back story is that I had decided "fuck it. It's not worth all this drama in my own head. Fuck it."...and there he was again.

You ever wonder why you're attracted to certain people? Maybe it's their hair, their smile, the way they carry themselves, or maybe it's for no other reason than it just feels right for some unkown reason. That's Ben for me. Some random guy that came into my shop one day that I thought was attractive. It got better knowing he had a decent job (yes I asked), and he seemed chatty with me. The job meant to me that he was smart. He'd been through college/university at least right? Plus, his smile makes me die a little bit inside when I see him smile. So I know his name, and what he does...but that's about it other than he went to the Pride parade up in SF. Not a lot to go on, but back to our story.

Ben and I were chatting and somehow the concept of vacations and taking time off came up. I mentioned something about Disneyland and going there with friends for thier anniversary. He quickly brightened up a bit and said he was going there this weekend for his anniversary. I played it off rather cooly and probably said something like "I'm so jealous. Wish I was going.", but inside all the stupid fantasies I had ever concieved of were shattered. I don't care if he was going with a guy or a girl, it doesn't matter. He's officially unattainable and I just have to chalk it up to one more guy that I was stupid about. One more chance that I won't get. One more boyfriend that I'll never have.

The day continued. I made my friend Lil cry by accident. I felt like utter shit about that. I saw these tears forming and I just wanted to dash up and hug her and tell her "no no no...I'm just being silly" because it was about her missing my birthday on Friday. I dashed off an email to her the moment I got home explaining that I adore her and just wished she had come in. She zapped back that she was crying not because of what I said but because she'd missed my birthday. Well, it kinda made me feel better, but not really. I can't believe that I made her cry! I felt like a heartless shithead. I did give her a big hug before she left though. Think that's the first time I had hugged her but I felt it needed to be done. Of course, there is the problem that I think she has a crush on me to begin with but knows I'm gay.

From there? Just work, and Costco, and then home to find my mother had actually sent me cards. For some reason it was depressing to open them. She'd enclosed a check and that's swell and all but...sometimes I worry about her is all. And she keeps nagging me about moving back to Texas. She keeps talking about me "coming home", but dammit I pay all my bills here, have a lease on my studio, have my job here....isn't this home for me? I know that she misses me and I wish that I could say that I missed her as much. Sometimes I honestly think I'm a rotten son and brother because my friends mean more to me than my family. Is that wrong?

So here it is already 9ish and I'm finally finished with dinner. Forgot what it was like to just whip up something with what you have laying around. Kinda fun and it turned out exceptionally well. The sauce was nice and garlic-y and there was a hint of sweetness from the milk that made it creamy. Yeah, I think I do alright for myself when I want in the kitchen. It's just the lack of love life that bothers me. Hell maybe I should just take out an ad saying, "I am a good cook, I'm artistic, I have more than 3 functional braincells, I can be funny, I'm affectionate, and I'm looking for someone to share all of this with. If you're similar, then let's talk." Right. I know the replies I might get and I'm actually afraid of them. Still....I wish that Ben hadn't crushed that last little sparkle of romance I had in my fantasy world. It would have been nice to have someone to cook dinner for besides myself.

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