Ive started this three times now. I wanted to talk more about my paganistic life, but it just comes across as so much drivel. I guess when it boils down, you either believe that certain things which science can not explain do happen...or you say it's impossible. Guess that's really the meaning of having faith in what you believe in eh? The knowledge that what you know is true regardless of whether you can explain how it happened or not.
So...since I can't seem to write about that tonight, I started thinking about Ben again today. My coworker brought him up in conversation. Not really what I needed to be thinking about. I hate being a softy. I sometimes really hate even having emotions. They're a pain in the ass, even the good ones at times. You ever found yourself all up and happy and you run into a friend that's just mopy and it's...hard to deal with them. So, I learned how to put walls up when I need to to shield my true self from other folks. Sides, I didn't feel like being the heart on the sleeve kinda guy today.
Guess it was ok for a Friday. Work went pretty quickly and I came home and took a nap then went out for some pasta-ness dinner. Found my way to the shop for coffee afterwards and let my friend Garry read my 10 page play. He liked it he said, but I'm always nervous when people say that. I have issues with being told that something I did was good. Unless I deem it good, I'm usually worrying that it's really crap hehe.
Short story about why I think this happens to me. When I was growing up, my parents always told me I could be anything I wanted to be. They always told me how good I was at this, at that...all that encouragement you're supposed to tell your kid right? Well, at some point in around Junior High, I started being critical of myself and realized anything I did onstage, or sang was going to be good to my parents. Maybe they were just being polite? To this day if I were to be in a show, I would know if I had done well that night not by the audience, but by my own judgment. Hell, I could have burned down a set and my mother would still tell me how wonderful it was. Why do parents lie to their kids that way? I swear it's given me this complex!
So...he liked it. He said it was funny but I didn't get the reaction I had hoped for. He wasn't all excited by it. Made me start to doubt the show. He had a few good pointers though about what he thought wasn't working and that I honestly respect. Take the good, ya take the bad and there ya go eh?
So, now after trying to write an entry for maybe an hour and a half, I think I should get some sleep. My lovely Gman out there is gonna have to wait for his questions one more day. I'll come up with 5 good ones for ya babycakes.
One more week and my class is finished. One more play to write before next Sunday. I know that I can do this and make something even better than what I've written up till now...but I'm feeling a little stymied. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what comes out tomorrow.