Now y'all know how dangerous it is when I start thinking don't ya? Means that there's a lot going on in the grey cells that won't quiet down for me. Seems to be the case more often than not lately.
There's a lot of "cry me a river" type stuff going on in here lately. Got some issues lately with money. Basically, I feel I need more of it to do what I really want to be doing with my life. Well, then again, who the hell doesn't feel that way eh? Truth is that I'm getting dangerously close to burn out status at my current job. It's been over a year since I had a real break or vacation and with other financial woes happening, sure doesn't exactly look like I'm gonna be taking one soon unless my friend pays me back what he owes me.
This of course brings to mind what does a person who trained for most of their life to be an actor do for a living that makes them money? Had an offer to work at a casino. Definately would make me more money, and there would be benefits as well (which I don't currently have). Question is, do I want to give up what little bit of social life I have to work a graveyard shift? See, besides money, I want a boyfriend.
This brings to mind the fact that I don't go out because I actually kinda hate the whole bar scene. So, where do you find a nice guy? Where do you meet someone and hold an actually conversation? More to the point, just where the hell do you go to meet a guy who's 1)financially stable and mentally stable and has a job, 2) Has more on his mind than the latest club single and who's wearing what, and 3) wants to get to know you before they jump in the sack? Starting to think that it's basically a pipe dream and romance works for other folks and I'm stuck with my job.
This brings to mind that I have a decided lack of social life because I tend to have my job on my mind 85% of the time during the week. This was pointed out to me by my friend J who commented that every night I tend to say "I have to get back to the shop". I mean come on...what the hell is wrong with me here? That was my father's life and I said I didn't want to live that way. Sure I have my gothy side and I am allowed to pretty much wear what I want to work, play (for the most part) the music that I want...but it looks more and more as I take a bigger step back that my life is all about my job. That won't do anymore because the job isn't really hacking it for me. I'm craving mental stimulation and some fun back in my life as well. (and that doesn't include just playing hours of videogames or watching movies) It requires the ability to go out and be social (which I'm inept at off the computer).
Part of me is constantly trying to keep up with the Jones'. Well I just can't. Don't make enough but there again, what the hell kinda job is gonna pay me enough? D&H live in an nice little house and are getting ready to have a kid. J&W live in J's condo. Didi and Desi have a nice apartment that they live in (well I think it's nice for a one bedroom). To call it as I see it, I'm basically a pretty big loser if you look at how I live and where. Yeah, I know...cry me a river and no I'm not a loser but...
Then there's the whole spiritual side of me that is in constant struggle with the world lately. I've been told by more than one person that I'm a priest. Well I can accept that. Part of what makes me me is that I honestly will talk to folks when they're down and try to lift them up. I'll do what I can to help make someone's life better if possible. Problem is, I can't turn that around on myself. I've often wondered who a priest goes to when he's got problems either spiritual or just if he's down about something. Do you go to another priest? Do you go to whatever God you believe in?
So that's my mental state lately. I want to make the world a better place. I honestly do. I keep thinking about what Anne Frank said which was (paraphrased probably here), "Deep down I believe that people are inherantly good." All the while i'm trying to remember a budha nature and remember that this is all (according to beliefs) illusion. Hell, me talking to all of you right now is nothing more than little pixels of light hitting your eyes. I'm not even there. Funny thought eh? Especially because in my head, I hear your voices when I read your posts and comments, etc.
I was thinking about taking a break and not writing again just to see if I could clear my mind up a bit, fix the life a bit, do more writing on play ideas I have bubbling along with all of that rot up there. I haven't made up my mind actually but I do know this, if I did stop blogging for a while, my emailling would go up drastically hehehe. Hell, I'll probably find myself here tomorrow night sitting here writing something completely contrary because day to day life is different. What I do know is this much right now, there are things I want in my life that I don't know how to achieve. That in and of itself is bothersome to me. So, if my blogs are darker in the coming days...now you know why.
Place nice out there folks. There's too much ugliness going on in the world right now. Too much anger and the stripping down of people going on in the world in general in my opinion. Stripping down of our rights, our uniquenesses, to some degree of our souls (and that's just here in America). Maybe it's just time I put on my priest garbs again and try a little harder?