Looks

I've changed my profile's image because I'm feeling bad about the way I currently look. I don't think I take many good pictures if any at all lately. When I was in costume and makeup for the photoshoot I did for a friend's band, I was all spooky gothy and I thought I looked cool. When I look at what I had up previous to this one, I thought I looked...well not so hot. It's a manipulated image of some of my snapdragons from my yard.

I sometimes think that I got the short end of the stick in my family. I have two older brothers and they both have all their hair. I started losing mine (rather it started receeding) around my freshman year of college. I miss my hair. May sound silly because none of you ever saw me with a full head of hair but, I think I was actually rather good looking back then. Now days, i shave down, I grow a goatee or beard because I'm bored of my appearence. I can't do the mustache because it just looks wrong. I tried...honestly, I did but I hated it. Tried a pencil thin mustache and it was just too much bother to shave. I think I accidentally cut part of it off because you have to shave down to it and if you go too far...well you get the idea.

My brothers are both married now. I'm the last of my family not to have a marraige liscence, or to have anyone that wants to marry me, or to have any that is remotely interested romantically in me *grumbling and rolling my eyes*. Now on this day, my mom calls me and informs me I am an uncle for the third time. I should be happy about this but, it just somewhat bothers me. Both my brothers now have kids. I apparently will be the old maid with the thousand cats in the house. If I am though, I hope that I am the successful playwrite/actor old maid with the thousand cats in the house. I guess there's trade offs when it comes down to it.

I just keep wondering what my brothers think of me. We don't really talk. They talk to one another apparently. Ok, big deal, we're not close. But...my mom is going to be 70 next year. That's rough man. She's got the grandkids that she always wanted (two girls now and one boy), but I'll never be able to give her that. Makes me wonder what she thinks of me although she's constantly badgering me to "come home. When are you moving back home? etc". Well I am home. I made my life here, there's really nothing there back "home" for me. I can't be what they want me to be and I really wonder sometimes if I wasn't adopted or something even wierder. It does bother me to think though, that they have no concept of what ME is. And I don't think that they really want to. So what..big deal. Let them think what they will about me. Truth is I know who I am and what I am and I'm rather proud of me for getting through all I have so far.

Short end of the stick means that I'm not like the rest of my family. I don't really fit in with my mom and brothers, so where does that leave me? That leaves me with the greatest and ultimate in my mind...me. Still plan one day to go back to theatre and take the world by storm, or maybe write that best selling book, or pulitzer winning play. My own personal stamp on the world that states:

I was, and this is what I was.

Best of all, my friends will be there with me.