Feeling rather heavy right now.

So it just struck me that tomorrow I have to say goodbye for real to Violet. It's wierd actully because I somehow expect to see her again, and I know I won't. I don't know how exactly it makes me feel to tell the truth. After all, while she wasn't a family member or close personal friend really, I did see her 5 days a week and somehow that made her part of an extended family.

So I'm feeling rather heavy right now. Probably has to do with Violet and the thought of another funeral. Last time I went to one I had to say goodbye to my friend Ed. That messed me up and good. He was this wonderful guy that made everyone feel special. He was talented and good looking and just fucking full of life. Best memory of what Ed was like is this.

Ed had been out at a skatepark riding his BMX bike and something happened and he fell. Fool broke his collar bone. Next day I see Ed coming up to the shop (yes he was also a fellow employee and friend). How is he getting to work, complete with the arm in a sling and kinda bundled up round the shoulder? Ed was riding his skateboard up to to work. I swear that nothing could keep him down. And I had to say goodbye to that.

Guess that this all come back to my pops. He's been dead almost 10 years now. The worst of it? I remember the funeral, but I have a hard time remembering his face. Ain't that a kick in the rubber parts? Up to almost the day he died I lived with him out here, and I can't really see his face in my mind. And now I'm afraid that's going to happen with Violet. Right now I remeber her giggling and the way she kinda shook when she laughed. She was a bit roundish heh.

Perils of getting on in life I suppose. Didn't help that someone today told me that I should adopt because I'm so good with the kids that come in to the shop. You might think it's silly for someone my age to play peek-a-boo around the esspresso machine, but if I can get a kid to smile...that's enough for me. Sides, for the most part all the kids (this being maybe 2-10 year olds) are good little tikes. Shit, I wouldn't mind being a father. Reality soon sets in when I realize that I would have no business having a kid. I don't make enough money, sometimes I am way to moody to deal with anyone...probably why I don't have a boyfriend eh?

I just suddenly feel that little piece of mortality knocking on my door saying "You're going to be forgotten too ya know?" Problem is that I am tenacious and refuse to die until I am damn good and ready. Shit, if I have it my way (and believe me I'm working on it), I'll be an old man laughing his ass off with his friends on a porch somewhere rockin in our chairs talkin bout the "old days". Just so long as I have my friends there and I'm not alone...who really gives a shit eh?