I'm feeling so frustrated tonight, like I used to know what path I was supposed to be taking in life. Feel like I'm a whiner constantly in my head saying "why why why?". It makes me feel pathetic and weak, and that's not what I want to be. It's not how I'm supposed to be. No one is.
Lately I've tried to help out some people here in California and what do I find? I feel used. I'm of little consequence unless there is something that they need, or if it's convient for them. Well to hell with them. To hell with it all actually because they've made me doubt myself. It's in my nature to try and do what I can for folks especially if they are someone who's company I enjoy. Lately, I wish I could turn that off. I always wind up feeling foolish and like a dog that will come back again and again only to be kicked repeatedly. I just know in my heart of hearts that it's the right thing to do though.
Don't get me wrong, it's not everyone, just some people that unfortunately I will be forced to deal with because of work. It just makes me crawl a little bit more into myself in the outside world and only show them a facade. Hell, I doubt that they actually even really know the real me. Do I care? I want to say no, but the truth is yes I do. And that is what makes it frustrating.
Today? I can't say anything bad happened. I worked. I'll do it again tomorrow, but the face I'll let them see tomorrow is the machine. It's the simple idea of being a machine when I'm there. No emotion, no reason to interact with anyone except to make drinks and take money. Become as cold and meaningless as a machine. I keep thinking if I can achieve that, then maybe it will allow my mind to work on what's bothering me.
I feel foolish for reaching out to try and help folks at times, but dammit, that's what my heart tells me is the right thing to do. I refuse to go against my heart. If I do that, I am truly sunk.
Feh. Maybe a quick round of Prince of Persia will kill these thoughts. Something to numb the mind and since I don't really drink...videogames are a good option.