Dammit! I just lost everything I had written and it was a good posting too. Only one person knows the other post that was here and I deleted it. Why? Because I felt that it was too emotional and I felt like a drama queen for writing it. It had to do with Trust. It had to do with the fact that someone hurt my friend Ryan by betraying his trust and that really bothers me. It bothers me because there is nothing I can do about it and I HATE feeling helpless when it comes to my friends and those I care about. What is worse is that now I found out that M'lady is back in the hospital. I want the bad things to stop for my friends dammit!
Now, the beautiful and sweet Camilla (did I spell that right?), had made a comment about my poem and about the goth scene. Well darlin, I think you have part of it right. We maybe do seek each other out to find a place to fit in. When you are ridiculed because of how you dress, or people think you're "wierd" because of your style...it does hurt. People want to be accepted and even within the Goth community, I don't truly feel I fit in. Is it because we're hurt and that's why we seek each other out? I don't think so. Why? Well I didn't find "goth" until much later in life. If I had known about it in high school...well I would have been more of freak probably.
The thing about goth is that it has to do with beauty. Look at the film Bram Stoker's Dracula (and forgive the acting), but that period...the clothing they wore! Elegant, and velvets, and moody and rich and dark like a fine dark chocolate. In other words, I find it tasty. A lot of us dress "normally" every day for work and then go out at night all dolled up to the nines in our black vinyl pants and Doc Martin boots. I just found this and thought it might be a better explaination.
Truth is we're all broken in some ways. I was broken when dad died, broken more when HE left to go his own way (yeah I know I owe you all the story), broken further when I found myself kicking speed alone and homeless...we're all broken people. And ya know what? We all found some kind of nitch. Maybe that's why we read each others blogs, and not some others we come across. We see something there that resounds with us, ya know?
I'm still scared of opening up a lot here. Yes, it's more of that trust thing. I've been a carpet for a long time...walked all over by various folk. I'm scared to look pathetic, scared to be taken advantage of, scared of being weak, scared to voice my opinions at times for fear of losing my friends. I've had my trust broken by a few folks and it's really hard for me to put it back together for them. (if that makes sense) But i always give that second chance, and a third. I want to believe in people I that I like, or call my friends. Trust is a hard thing to come by.
Speaking of friends, there are some folks I wanna shout out to, just so ya know :
Ryan, I know that folks have hurt you in the past and I wish I could do something about that. All I can do is say that someone as sweet, and bighearted as you shouldn't have bad stuff happen to them. I will always be there 100% to back you up if you need me. Whether you realize it or not, you've been there for me when I needed a friend the most and I thank you for that with all my heart.
Ari, you embody so much of a genteel nature that I wish I had in my world. You seem the epitamy of a gentleman. I am so glad I found your site. One day I wish to have the chance to meet you, even if only for an afternoon's tea.
M'lady, you are a breath of fresh air everytime I read your posting. Be well, return soon to us. You have made my world a better place indeed.
Camilla, I absolutely adore reading your postings. You constantly make me smile. That is a true gift! Jag är så glatt att ha mött dig, om även den är över interneten! (I cheated and used a translation site heh)
Mike, every time I read your site...I find myself wishing for the country home I never had. Part of me knows I'll never really have to worry about Ryan because you're there. What I said for him goes for you...if ya need me, I'll have your back 100%.
4 comments:
Michael, it don't happens often, but sometimes it does. And today it for sure did. A tear found it's way out of my eye when I was reading this post.
From the very first post that I was reading, the one with the e-mail from you mom.. I have feelt your pain that you in a way hide, but if you read between the line it is there. And to me you are a very strong individual that I accualy cares a lot for. Even if it is like you said: bara över Internet.. I liked that, you writing in swedish even if you cheated a bit ;-)
No one is a freak, and it takes strenght to be diffrent from the rest standard population (if u know what I mean) This quote says everything:We are all born like unique orginals, but we dies as bad copys
I will stop here, and I hope that all this made sense. You are a star in the dark sky Michael. Never change :)
I was trying to comment on that other post! When it vanished before my eyes, I thought I'd gone crazy (well, "crazier" is better in that context).
Our pain makes us who we are. It shapes our opinions and points of view. Just as failure is a better teacher than success, pain and loss help us better understand ourselves, our world, and the people around us.
Those who feel things deeply -- and I think of you as someone who does just that -- cannot help but see the world as a tragedy and to feel more profoundly affronted by the misfortune of friends & family. That says a great deal of good about you. Don't ever think it's a bad thing.
Your friends are here for you. Rely on them, lean on them, and let them help. You'll never look pathetic to them, they'll never take advantage of you, they will never see you as weak -- only more human, and they want to hear your opinions even if they don't agree with them. We can't all be the same (how boring would that be!), and it's our differences that make us interesting and attractive to each other.
As for trust, that's a complicated issue. Believe in yourself and your own judgment when it comes to trust. If you feel like opening up to your blog's audience, then do so. Your friends will never look down on you for being honest and sincere; those who do don't matter.
thanx 4 being a friend! ill get over this just like the other crap i been putting up with but having peeps like sure help!
*blushing* Thank you Michael :)
Please do not hurt - I do not like to think of you sad! I shall ask Sir Hubby to do a 'goth' recipe for Thursday :)
Post a Comment