My life seems like a giant question

You might ask yourself, "what is a guy that get's up at 5am every weekday doing up at 11:30 pm on a Friday night and he's not out having fun?" Well....I said you might ask yourself that. (secretly I ask myself that question a lot) The answer is....
*insert dramatic music here*
...thinking.

See, there are things that I really miss about my old life. I know I mentioned my being in theatre before but the fact of the matter is that I started acting (and was extremely horrible! I mean I really sucked) when I was in the 7th grade. From then on I kept up with it until the year 2000. Now, 7th grade for me was in 1978. You do the math here folks. That meant that for almost half of my life I was invovled somehow in theatre. I even spent 10 years working for a theatre out here building sets, doing sound and makeup designs, and yes...acting. It was something that I was told I was good at actually. I miss acting and the rehearsals and the backstage bs that happens. I really do. I did go back and do a production of A Christmas Carol a few years ago. I liked the show and liked being in it (playing Ebeneezer Scrooge is a kick and a bitch at the same time). I've done that show (being at my old theatre) a whopping 8 years total. Then....theatre was just gone from my life. Now I have to make a decission about going back to it.

When I was there at acting and working for the theatre, I had a family. Sure we were kinda wierd, but we were a family and I really felt like I fit in. The big problem is and was, it just doesn't pay. I'm feeling all pathetic here when I say this but....am I really willing to put out all the extra time for rehearsals and the performances for no money? How can you reconcile an empty stomach when you know you have to be up at 5am Monday through Friday, then try and remember to eat before rehearsals so you aren't completely obliterated the next day? And believe me folks...rehearsals can be grueling. Performance scheduals can be worse. You don't really get out of there until the audience is gone and sometimes that puts me getting home around 11pm.

What do you do? How do you not run yourself ragged doing what makes you money, keeps you in your place to live, and gives you the food to eat...and still try for the dream? Yes. I am a wimp. I like sleep. I like my free time. I also know that I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be doing other than I was trained as an actor. I'm scared of "making it" because I don't know how that would affect my life. I'm scared of "not making it" because then it seems my life was just a dream of being an actor. Go for it? Resign myself to the fact that what I do now isn't so bad? It's a tough call that I don't know how to make anymore. I feel like I am getting too old too fast and that life is going to slip past me and I'll have nothing. Scared of losing everything I have now because I'm out there trying to get acting work and make money at it and a name for myself. Hell...I got a bad enough time sometimes paying the bills I have without extra worries like headshots, and trying to arrange time off for auditions, etc.

I look around at my friends out here (and while they are a handfull of people I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for them), and realize that they all have someone else to fall back on. Yup, all my good friends here are couples. Only one set are actors (well Doll is an actress but you know what I mean). Hell, one owns his own damn townhouse. The other two sets live relatively well and happily. I got my studio. If I fuck up (pardon my french), I'm done for. There is no safety net for me. Some people seem envious of me living alone but they don't know the wierd sacrifices I make to do it. (not to mention that when i was looking for a place to live, there weren't any options of roommates in my friends) I've been homeless twice in my life and I swore after I got this place that it would NEVER happen again to me. I've never been late on rent, or had the power cut off, or the phone although they threatened and I managed to somehow find the money. I haven't borrowed money from anyone in probably 4 years now. That I can be proud of. Just seems that I watch my dreams die a little more every year though. Life just became about going to work and making the money and trying to go out when I can if I can get my friends to go with.

I honestly don't know what to do because theatre and acting are like an addiction. It was something I felt so passionally about that it eats at me. If I could live my dream then my life would be lived through being creative be it acting, or writing, or making music. Maybe that's why they're called dreams though? Maybe it's because the reality is that I do what I do to keep myself afloat and alive. Hell, I even thought about taking a different job, one that pays better, but doing what?

It's getting chilly outside now. Getting to the time of year that all this shite just creeps up on me again and again and....I know that soon it's goint to be a new year and I'll ask "What have I done with my life?" and the answer is generally..."nothing". Hell, maybe I just need things to ease up on me for say..4 months. Get my head put back together a little more ya know?

So the fun thought of the post is this. If you have any questions about what it's like to be on stage, or what it's like to do a show, or be an actor. Let em rip. I'll do my best to answer whatever questions you throw my way.