Monday, September 26, 2005

Thoughts on my Endless and friends

Thank you my Chryssa-buger for the picture that now resides in my profile. She's part of my Endless family (my sweet Delirium). For those that don't read Neil Gaiman's Sandman comics..well shame on you hehe. My closest friends are the Endless. I am Morphius for those that know them. Of course there is Desi, Didi (my radient sister), Delirium (my little muffin!) and I'm not sure if we've officially named Dave but I'm sure that they just haven't told me yet. So that's me collecting some goodies from the family including the covetted Toaster! (I had/have an on going fetish with toast....don't ask, or do if you're really curious)

I was going to put down in words how horrible I felt about two hours ago. Maybe it was lack of food but there was something else laying in wait. I had to go back to my shop to make up the orders for tomorrow (I hate doing it at the last minute) and wound up sitting outside with some friends. What struck me was how little they seemed to care that I was even there. How I started to feel again that I don't really fit in anywhere. They never really talked to me, but rather talked to each other and I just sort of sat there thinking to myself a lot. Funny how you can find yourself completley alone sitting with people that are supposed to be your friends. Funny how little I have in common with men that constantly say things like "Why the hell does she have to be a Scientologist. I would so f*ck her." Yeah...like I can just join right in on that one.

I keep feeling isolated and I know it's stupid. Fact is that these are more and more just people I happen to know from the shop but since my life lately has revovled around little else...they are my friends. And ya know what? It hurts. It takes a little bit of you and chews it around and gnashes your insides and then doesn't spit you out...it digests you and you get to take the other way out. I miss my family a lot right now. I miss the times that Desi and Didi and I would stay up late laughing as she worked on costumes. I miss long talks deep into the night. I miss knowing someone would be there when I got home, or when I woke up, or at least at some point during the night. I miss not feeling like I was isolated.

I know I have folks out there pulling for me. I know that I could pick up the phone and call some of them (who may or may not be reading this in Los Angeles getting pissed at me), but it's this damn bubble. It's my sphere of comfort that says "Careful how open you let yourself be because they'll tell you the truth and you may not be ready to hear it."

So...to some fellow bloggers a bit of truth, Jes I'm glad to hear that you had a great time down there cause I was a little worried, Cory I know you don't read this site but dammit man I like your words, Joe whenever you decide to tell them...if you need a friend I'm here for ya bud. And to all the rest of ya that have commented on this site, thank you. You're words mean a lot to me and are greatly appreciated.

6 comments:

Dionysus said...

I'm pulling for you Michael, great blog post tonight.
your interview has been posted to my blog, titled Blonde2 interview.
I can't wait to see your answers, have fun=D

The Foxybrown Show said...

Ok so the picture got me to the blog but the words will keep me coming back...You are something else man...Welcome to the show!

Mike said...

Michael if you ever need to email me you know you can.

Ariel1980 said...

I hate that you are experiencing such feelings, understanding as I do sometimes the sensation of being out of one's element perhaps, and my heart goes out to you, truly. You are witty and engaging, and if these people cannot see it, then they are the ones beneath notice.

Daisy said...

Michael, I am hearin ya! I, too, tend to go through spells exactly like the one you are describing. It is extremely frustrating, and I am sorry you are going throught that right now.
It seems that you have many friends out here pulling for you, things will get better. Lean on us, we will try to help.
*hugs*

Chrysalis said...

Hey girl....
I'm sorry I don't catch up on your blog more often. I'm a poo I know. I mostly do Livejournal anyway, so I have to try to remember to check friends blogs elsewhere... The bottom line is that I'm self centered and have a hard time bringing myself to read anyone's thoughts regulary, besides my own... I am "teh suck", as the kids say.

But then I check in on you occasionally and I just think... yeah, I totally know. sigh. I know how easy it is to isolate... and even though we usually do it to ourselves, in the middle of the night it is so hard to feel so alone. I notice that when I am feeling lonely and at my worst, the ones I miss the most are family. Yes, you, big brother. I love you, and I know we don't see each other enough. We should try to do more family outtings, and if that is too difficult to coordinate, then just a few of us should go out and do something. And you know you are always welcome to hang at our house any time... we're up all hours of the night and sometimes even during daylight so just give us a call anytime. Oh, and I hope we can see you sometime soon, because I've been wanting to plan an Endless high tea for quite some time (kinda like the ole goth golfing gatherings).. so I'll send out an email to everyone about that when I think of it.

And by the way, for clarification on "everyone", Family consists of:

Dream, aka Morpheus/Morph : you my sexy Sandman Michael
Death, aka Didi : Doll
Destiny : Jeffery
Desire, aka Desi : James
Despair, aka Despi : Melinda
Delirium, aka Del : yours truly ;)
and finally...
Destruction, aka Destros : who is Dave... no one ever cares to remember Destruction because he left his realm so long ago.... anyway, I don't think you were even around much during the official naming of Dave and welcoming him into our dysfunctional family... oh the drama.

Anyway, yeah. Family. ain't it grand, ya crazy toaster man??
"This toast is good without anything on it..." ~Michael