Saturday, November 11, 2006

Today

Damn it! I had a post. Yes, an updated post with a lot of what was on my mind and I can't recreate it because I type stream of conciousness. What goes through my head flows out of my fingers and then poof it's on this page....and in closing a window I closed my browser and poof....it was no more.

The jist? Life has been somewhat trying and surreal and I have so many questions wandering around in my brain you would think that it was a convention in there. Not just a nice little convention but something like putting both Democrats and Republicans together during the Presidential election season...in the same building!

And here I was simply trying to explain where I was and what was going on...sigh.

I decided that my blog is actually now for me. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it's intent was an online diary to let my friends know what was going on (sometimes). It may become cryptic for some folks...hell, I may say things that will make absolutely no sense to anyone but me. Basically, I need this space right now to sort out my life to some degree.

Yes, I will always believe in the powers of peace and love. I will probably always be somewhat political. I will always have things to rant about in terms of injustice in the world. But....I'm not sure I'm going to be posting about topical things anymore for a while. I honestly need to sort things out.

Now if I could just find a nice bit of nature to go wandering in for say...oh, a complete afternoon, maybe I could piece together what's going on in my little grey cells. I'm convinced that nature is the ultimate meditation site. Honestly, there are few if any distractions. And I think I need to get out there and just have a VERY long talk with what it is that I believe in because They know better than I do.

While my last post was rather a downer, all I can say is that the past couple of weeks have been a bit up and waaaay down. Fear crept in for a while. I thought I would lose my friend forever who I honestly never want to be without. Too many questions through the brain. Customers that were annoying and the problem of do I want to continue where I am. How do I move on? How do I let go if I have to? Where am I going? What am I to do if not this? Can I ever get where I really want to be in life and where exactly is that? How can I go back to where I had been without him?

Yeah....like I said, cryptic and that's life ya know? No easy answers. And I honestly have to walk those paths alone sometimes. Put on the pretty smile for the customers while I ponder all this. Paste on the smile and say "I'm ok" because I didn't want to talk about anything with anyone. Sort it out myself. Touch the Universe for a little help and simply pray.

Ah hell...life will sort itself out in time. It always has. I'm like a bad pennie, I keep turning back up :) I have been kicked around, seeming thought I was going to be crushed and never come back, maybe should have died on the odd occaission or worse...but I'm still here. Blessing and a curse at times to be a survivor because, well I don't know what else to do but keep on keeping on.

*mental note* Always remember that you survived from 7 years ago. You didnt crumble. You didn't fold. You made it through almost all alone. Your bootstraps are strong and you can pull the shit out of them when need be.

Ah well...back to cleaning the hovel.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

2 comments:

Rey a.k.a. "Mr. Secret" said...

Sweety, this place/blog is for you... You do with it what you feel fit. And screw everyone else if they can't deal with it... but you know this already so I shouldn't even begin to explain...

I'm sorry that your life has become a rollercoaster... this time, with three loops. I hope you find clarity soon... and just remember that I'm just a phone call away. Take advantage of that, like I have with you in the past.

Big hugs and a smooch...

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Life has a way of getting really crazy, really fast, the second you turn your back on it.
The crazy cool thing about blogging is that we all come here because we're fascinated with all the crap in your life. We love to watch you sort your life out before us. Personally, it saves me from having to deal with my crap, you see, and that's the important thing(not!).