Monday

Monday's are hell. It's back to work, and back to routine, and back to the same old same old. Hard to believe that soon it's going to be Christmas. Not really though, last two days I've woken up to find ice on my windshield. Yes, even here we're a bit frosty and so have I been.

Truth is that if I didn't get a milk order today I wouldn't have remembered it was Tuesday. The week is coming up fast on me and I have a few last minute Christmas things to do. Money may be tight, but it's Christmas goddamnit, and there are folks that deserve to get a little something even if it's not much more than a card or an ecard. One last thing to send out for my mom. She's the only one in my immediate family that bothers to think of me at holidays and birthdays. That's been on my mind a lot lately.

You sometimes take things for granted. When you're a kid, birthdays mean presents and friends, Christmas means presents and family. Now....sometimes I wonder what is going to happen when she's gone. My dad is gone now 10 years, and I keep thinking about how I could have been better to him. I should be better to mom, keep in touch more, call more often, try to visit....but the sad thing is that while I love her, I just don't seem to know how to deal with her. The rest of the family? They have their own families to think of. Somehow I think that mom and me are in the same boat to some degree.

I keep getting and then losing a Christmas spirit. My boss, madman that he may be, decorated the store last night after closing apparently. I arrived all frosty and chilled to be greeted by a tree in the window with lights a blaze. I think that is the tree I've seen all season. Hell, I don't even think I saw one in the mall. It was nice actually. Ribbons and wreaths hung up in the shop. It finally began to feel a little bit like actual Christmas.

I felt exhausted today at work for no good reason. I was snappy, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to be there, just wanted to be home and away from the world. I don't know why. Probably all the other stuff on my mind. But there was this odd little moment when i went to do dishes and I started to sing this to myself, it's a chant I learned years ago,

"We all come from the Goddess,
and to Her we shall return,
like a drop of rain,
flowing to the ocean.
Isis Astarte Diana
Hecate Demeter Kali
Inanna"

Sometimes it helps to just try and comune when you're doing the mindless things. I sang it over and over again and I started to finally feel better. It's hard when there are few people to honestly discuss this sort of thing with. My boss laughs when I bring up my religion. Dan simply disbelieves entirely. Why is is that what helps you through seems to almost always be brought into question if it isn't Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Budhistic, etc? Can't people get it that it's all one anyway? The whole damn Universe is one for crying out loud, and we're just little pieces of it. Sister Moon, brother Bear, and me. Really, what's the difference in the long run? None that I see. Just wish I could remember this when dealing with the customers that drive me to want to drink or yell.

I talk to Them every morning before I open the doors. It's part of my ritual for the morning. I stand outside with a cup of coffee and cigarette and talk for a little, let Them know that I love Them for all They've done and do for me. I make little requests, ask questions, and lately ask for Their help. Each time I have asked for something, while it may take a while from within the day to maybe a few days, it's happened. May not always be what I was expecting, but my requests are generally granted. They aren't big. I don't ask for millions of dollars, new cars, just small things that come from my heart. This is how I know that They are there and listening. And this is how I know that love truly is the answer, because if it wasn't, I don't think that things would happen the way that they do.

While this is my place. The place where I come to talk to myself at times, and to burst open my cranium and spleen....

All that are named, all that are not named,
all of them are loved.
Brightest Blessings

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!