I'm back, I think

I can't say that things have been terribly exciting while I was away from blogging. I can't say that I got TONS of work done on my studies and other projects. As a matter of fact, I feel like I do nothing but work and come home and watch movies. Pathetic, but true.

I still see K. I see him almost every day and we talk and he heads to work, or heads for his train, and I'm left pondering why I am such a dope. I guess it's an interesting question of, why can't we have what we want? Funny to mention that because in terms of Buddhism, I suppose that's a trapping you are supposed to be working on overcoming. The truth being, you simply can't have them and you must learn to deal with that. I'm still working on that. Still working on forgetting some of the feelings that at times feel as if they are going to boil over and embarrass me. Then again, I'm good at pushing things back into dark corners and trying to forget that they are there. The sad part is that I always know that they are there, I simply try and ignore them.

My friends paid me back the money they owed me, and this has caused a new set of problems. This time, it's with the bank. The bank that put a hold on the check which has caused me to be overdrawn in my account (I thought they would simply honor the check the next business day) in an ungodly sum. Then I get the letter from the bank yesterday explaining why they were putting the hold on the check. Apparently if you are overdrawn a few times in the course of a set number of months (and who the hell hasn't been?), and you put a large amount of money in the account....they put a hold on it. WHY! That's the question I plan on asking tomorrow afternoon when I talk to the bank manager. What does this mean for me though? Means that I'm going to be overdrawn (thanks to them) until I get my next paycheck which won't be until next week. And here I thought that this money would make me happy.

Maybe happiness is all relative. Maybe there is no "true" happiness. I just don't know anymore. I put on that face every morning that smiles at the customers, and it's not always fake. There are those that I truly love seeing and it's only at work that I get to see them and interact with them. My best example was this adorable little girl who's giggle and smile simply make me happy regaurdless of what's happened. She giggles. She smiles, and it's all over. All I can do is chuckle at her and feel a strange giggy happiness. I wish I could hold on to that all the time, but you simply can't and that's part of life as well.

Funny how I thought of everything I would do with this money and now all I can do is fret. I know that I should be putting 90% of it into something like and IRA, or retirement account of any sort. Then, I would have a little mad money but not much. I so wanted to go somewhere on vacation but I'm scared of losing all of it again and being back to square one. I wanted an Ipod...but I'm afraid to spend that money on it. I want to fly out to the other coast and see friends that I really love a lot. Again, scared of using all the money up too quickly and having nothing again. I guess it's true that money doesn't buy you happiness. Just makes life more complex and confusing sometimes.

Anyways....I guess I needed a bit of a venting. Probably just tired from work and wondering what to do about K. Good news? I saw the Martin Short play a couple of weeks ago and laughed my ass off! This weekend I'm going with some good friends to see Matt Nathanson on Saturday night and it's always good to spend time with these folks and hear good music.

Not entirely sure how often I'm going to be posting until I get my brain more acclimated to whatever this wierdness seems to be that's going on in me. I do know that I appreciate and love you cats (and dudettes) a lot. For that, I'm forever thankful.

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!