Have you ever had one of those wierd mood swings where you suddenly find yourself with issues? You know what I'm talking about...you started thinking about one thing and the next thing you know you're mind has raced over 100,000 different places and all of them are issue making. That's me right now. I think I need to coin a new term for this though because ya know, it's not depression...it's more like dissatisfication. Maybe it's a general malaise.
Ok, well I'm here anyways why not go the whole nine yards eh? I've had issue revolving around my dad who's been dead now for 10 years. Things that crop up from time to time. The worst of them is the idea of turning into him. It's not that he was a bad person, it's just that I said I would never lead that kind of life. He went to work, came home and watched tv, repeat until the weekend when he did little to nothing and the whole thing started up again. I SWORE I wouldn't become like that. And I look at my life... and here I am the guy that goes to work, comes home, repeat, on the weekend does little to nothing, repeat. I'm having a really hard time breaking this pattern. And yeah, it scares me because I'm not old. I should be running around with friends to bars or clubs or dancing or something it seems. Still....stuck like a piece of toffee in a cavity!
I keep thinking about all the things I should have done up to this point in my life. Not like saving money type stuff, just general things that I now feel like I lost the oppertunity forever to do. I should have been that wildcat guy 20 years ago who went out and got shloshy at gay bars making out with people he didn't know. And to "go there", I should have had lots of terrific sex..or even mediocre sex. Should have learned the way to go out and meet folks and date...blah blah blah. Grrrr. Now it feels like it's "too late" and I start hearing my dad's voice in my head. He constantly would say things like "Nobody wants me because I'm so old." Well that scares me too because the gay culture seems to almost be a youth culture.
We (gay men) are seemingly force fed the idea that perfection is that 20 something twink who's always looking like he just stepped out of some damn photo shoot. Well what about us average folk huh?
In Torch Song Trilogy, Arnold says "I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. It's my biggest problem because I've never been young and beautiful. Oh, I've been beautiful, and God knows I've been young, but never the twain have met."
Therein lies the problem. I know what he's talking about. It's like I mispent my youth and you can't go back and do it over again. If you try, you wind up looking ridiculous...well you can. Maybe that's just part of growing up? Damn this whole aging process hehe. I swear, I try to do the Merlin thing and age backwards but I'm afraid I'm not doing it physically. Still, I do think it's important to keep a youthfull aspect to life. Hell...when I'm 80 I don't want to be the guy shuffling across the street with a walker. I want to be that really old guy that veritably skips across the street with a major bounce in his step! (and I plan on it too babies)
Maybe I just need to get that out. Don't know. Not sure what my issue is tonight, but I wish they would just dissipate so I could get on with life and forget all this shit in my head. Goddess willing, with work that I am planning since getting back into my pagan roots...maybe all this negative thinking will be banished once and for all. In the meantime, it's nice to know I can hear my little sister's voice in my head saying "Oh get over it!" and it makes me smile and chuckle a bit.
Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!