Sunday, October 01, 2006

Issues

I should be alseep by now. I really should but I had two cups of double shorts at work tonight. Probably a bad idea because I'm feeling tired, but not sleepy, just fatigued slightly.

Have you ever had one of those wierd mood swings where you suddenly find yourself with issues? You know what I'm talking about...you started thinking about one thing and the next thing you know you're mind has raced over 100,000 different places and all of them are issue making. That's me right now. I think I need to coin a new term for this though because ya know, it's not depression...it's more like dissatisfication. Maybe it's a general malaise
.

Ok, well I'm here anyways why not go the whole nine yards eh? I've had issue revolving around my dad who's been dead now for 10 years. Things that crop up from time to time. The worst of them is the idea of turning into him. It's not that he was a bad person, it's just that I said I would never lead that kind of life. He went to work, came home and watched tv, repeat until the weekend when he did little to nothing and the whole thing started up again. I SWORE I wouldn't become like that. And I look at my life... and here I am the guy that goes to work, comes home, repeat, on the weekend does little to nothing, repeat. I'm having a really hard time breaking this pattern. And yeah, it scares me because I'm not old. I should be running around with friends to bars or clubs or dancing or something it seems. Still....stuck like a piece of toffee in a cavity!

I keep thinking about all the things I should have done up to this point in my life. Not like saving money type stuff, just general things that I now feel like I lost the oppertunity forever to do. I should have been that wildcat guy 20 years ago who went out and got shloshy at gay bars making out with people he didn't know. And to "go there", I should have had lots of terrific sex..or even mediocre sex. Should have learned the way to go out and meet folks and date...blah blah blah. Grrrr. Now it feels like it's "too late" and I start hearing my dad's voice in my head. He constantly would say things like "Nobody wants me because I'm so old." Well that scares me too because the gay culture seems to almost be a youth culture.

We (gay men) are seemingly force fed the idea that perfection is that 20 something twink who's always looking like he just stepped out of some damn photo shoot. Well what about us average folk huh?

In Torch Song Trilogy, Arnold says "I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. It's my biggest problem because I've never been young and beautiful. Oh, I've been beautiful, and God knows I've been young, but never the twain have met."

Therein lies the problem. I know what he's talking about. It's like I mispent my youth and you can't go back and do it over again. If you try, you wind up looking ridiculous...well you can. Maybe that's just part of growing up? Damn this whole aging process hehe. I swear, I try to do the Merlin thing and age backwards but I'm afraid I'm not doing it physically. Still, I do think it's important to keep a youthfull aspect to life. Hell...when I'm 80 I don't want to be the guy shuffling across the street with a walker. I want to be that really old guy that veritably skips across the street with a major bounce in his step! (and I plan on it too babies)

Maybe I just need to get that out. Don't know. Not sure what my issue is tonight, but I wish they would just dissipate so I could get on with life and forget all this shit in my head. Goddess willing, with work that I am planning since getting back into my pagan roots...maybe all this negative thinking will be banished once and for all. In the meantime, it's nice to know I can hear my little sister's voice in my head saying "Oh get over it!" and it makes me smile and chuckle a bit.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

11 comments:

Steve said...

>Dissatisfication... I love that. I have these voices in my head that spin things in elevendy-billion different directions. Sometimes I think I'm about to dive in a real deep funk/depression... but, I never seem to make it there. My issue right now deals with some fucked-up decisions I've made recently - the very first being - deciding to move to Key West. It's all downhill from there. Anyway, it's far too involved to go into here, so let's just leave it at 'I hear ya.' Hope you're having a good weekend, by the way.

The Untraveled Travel Guy said...

Well you're on the right track by questioning where you are now vs where you think you want to be. That was me bigtime about 18 months ago. Now I'm much closer to being where I want to be. I chose some paths some 9 or 10 years ago that I really don't recall even choosing which got me to a place I didn't want to be. I'm still not entirely sure where my newly chosen path's will lead but it's a better place than those others. My Brother once told me something about our Dad. He said that he didn't think our Dad had any concept of job satisfaction. He had a good job which provided for his family and whether there was any satisfaction in it or not, he chose to do it to satisfy the need he had to take care of his family. Perhaps your Dad wasn't much different and maybe what you saw as him doing little during the week was really him providing for you and your family. I've recently learned alot about my Dad and his family which gives me a very differnt perspective of him when he was my age. I'm fortunate that he is still around at age 85 to tell me about it. Maybe it also suggests the possibility that I'll be around when I'm 85 and I'll want a spring in my step then too.

The Untraveled Travel Guy said...

By the way, The Castro Street Fair is today...so if you're looking for a place to go where there's lots of opportunity to meet up with people?? :)

Miladysa said...

[hugs]

Getting older can be a positive thing... I know it does not feel like it an times - just think of it as getting wiser :]

Anonymous said...

Awwwww!!! Hey Buddy!!! You're the BEST! Don't ever forget that!!!! Things do get better, everything will be alright! :o) If you wanna talk, call me on my cell, I'm hanging at B&B talking about YOU KNOW WHO! ;o)

Anonymous said...

Hey Hey!!!! Thank you so much! I LOVE THIS!!!! It does look A LOT more profesional & well done. Thank you! :o)

Phoenixboi said...

Mate Im hearin ya.

Although I think that if you look back and did all those things your thinkin you wish you would have done then you wouldnt be the beautiful person you are today.

Sometimes I think that it is the Universes way of telling us how lucky we are to have not done all the empty things so as to be more receptive to some good energy.

Mate Im thinking you might have to start being a bit more creative and start makin stuff like I am at the moment.

Mate sex and physical beauty all last a mere moment in the space of things while true creation and presence lasts an eternity.

xox

The Persian said...

As always (I swear we are so much alike it's freaky sometimes) you echoed exactly my thoughts of late.

It's ok, take a deep breath and realize that maybe we didn't have the exact same fun younger people have these days, but from our perspective it was just as fufilling. Never look back and regret, and NEVER think that being young in spirit makes you look ridiculous! The only people who might cast judgement are those who insecure with themselves.

Call me sometime buddy :)

*hugs*

Kalvin said...

I think age is used to often as being restrictive rather than liberating...sure it may sound morose to say I only have so long to live, but it compels the need for action now! And routine can bring satisfaction...we are all our own creatures.

Nathan said...

I'm sorry to hear you're in a funk. I go through it too... hell, we all do :)

You shouldn't worry about the yesteryears or the image gay culture has. I'm in my 20's and I don't do any of those things... go to bars, sleep with strangers, etc. I don't think I'll regret it either.

But I understand how you don't want to be like your Dad. We never want to turn into our parents, yet we always do!

Well, there are other things besides the "gay scene". You could pursue a hobby... maybe take on a very simple task that you've always wanted to do... something that won't consume your time and will be easy to stick with.

I hope you feel better soon. I know this mood will pass :)

Mysterio said...

You are certainly not average folk.