Valentine's Day Of DOOOOOOOOM

Well my darlins, here we go again. We're about to delve head first into one of the two calendar days of the year I abhor the most....you guessed it, Valentine's Day. Black Tuesday for me. Am I bitter? Well, yeah a little. It has a lot to do with my past. Ah I remember it as yesterday...
*begin the flashback sequence....now*

I was still working at the theatre. I was single (and what else is new really?) but I had decided that this Valentine's Day I wanted to "feel normal" and I had planned on giving a card to this guy. I didn't know him well, although I knew he was straight but I just wanted to have someone that I found attractive to give a Valentine's Day card to damnit. Theatre folks are pretty easy going so I figured, what the hell. When he had opened the card, he grimaced. I thought I had blown it and would now be perpetually embarassed during the entire run of the show. I had blown it yet again. But fate has odder things in store for us sometimes.

He actually found it sweet. I was shocked as hell. As it turned out, we started hanging out more after that. Eventually we were hanging out all the time. I was a bit confused but happy. Soon, it was more apparent to me than anyone that this was a little past friendship to some degree. Time passes and he actually moved in with me (his lease was up and he didn't have anywhere to go really). Things happened...and soon...it felt like we were a couple. I fell hard. REAL hard for him. We were living together probably for over a year, and eventually the bubble burst...but we still lived together. I was still in love, he had made it explicitly clear that he was straight and anything that had happened before between us was now verboten essentially. For over a year I had a partner in crime, someone to come home to, someone to argue with, someone to cry over a little at times, and someone to love (even if it was secretly from my end).

*return to the present ..... now *

So ya see....Valentine's Day has a bit of a special meaning to me for a lot of reasons. Now why do I hate it so? Well, for one, I'm still single (and am beginning to doubt I will be anything more than single ever), and all my friends out here are couples. That's right, all the folks I love with all my heart are paired up. So, Desi and Didi are down at Disneyland for Valentine's Day. My sister Chryssa (Happy Birthday Girl!) and brother Dave are in Vegas to celebrate her birthday which just happens to be Vday. D & H are more than likely going to do some couply thing tomorrow night.

So where does this leave me? I'll dole out a card here and there (and especially one to the guy from my past...it's tradition now), and grumble at work and make some jokes about hating the day and "happy couples" (although I am happy that my friends have folks that make them happy and are in love with), and then I'll go to Tower and buy RENT on Dvd, come home and turn off the phone. Yup, I plan on a good sulkfest. I will be resplendant in my horrible single nature. Yeah, I know...cry me a river.

I have this bad habit lately that when I feel down, or hurt, or upset...I hermitize myself. I don't like the idea of bringing other folks "down", and I really don't particularly want to hear how "he's out there waiting for you somewhere". I know I'm a pretty good guy. I'm not hideously deformed by any means. Why I can't seem to meet one gay man that I click with romantically is beyond me. Funnier yet, for the most part I honestly don't think about it that much. Too much seems to go on in my day to day life...but I dream of romance, and candlelit dinners, walking hand in hand on a moonlit night. Being a romantic can really suck!

Ya know the other funny thing? I thought about how it's almost a throw back to when I was say 8 years old and in school. At that point (probably 4th grade) you had this horrifying ritual on Vday that you gave everyone a Valentine's day card (remember the boxes of say 100 card that were ultimately lame?). Well what I remember is that the popular kids got TONS and I got a few. Part of me wonders if that was just shades of things to come in my later life hehe. Seriously though, it does feel odd to give cards to my friends, never getting any in return, and wondering why I'm doing it other than to feel "normal" on Valentine's Day. Just to have someone I care about to give a shmaltzy card to (or rather nonshmaltzy because I hate giving regular Valentine's day cards as much as I hate traditional Christmas Cards). Maybe next year eh? We'll see.

And if you were wondering what my other abhorant day of the year is? It's my birthday. I was born in July and for the most part, everyone is gone out and doing things and I feel a little lost in the summertime crunch. F it. Just another day. Just once though I'd like to find out that someone had organised a shindig on my behalf and all the folks I loved were there. Presents are nice and all...but being remembered is definately better.

So before you comment on this post, I want you to really reconsider that "feel better" comment. Why? Cuase while I truly appreciate the sentiment, I'm not fishing here. Hell, leave me something about YOUR Valentine's day. Make me smile with what your honey, or friend, or whatever did for you (or you did for yourself).

....and yes....be prepared to get at least an Ecard from me ;)