Wednesday, February 15, 2006

What the...well I don't know today

It came. It went. It's over. For those of ya that I didn't get an ecard out to, I'm sorry. It's sort of like with brithdays and other odd holidays. I figured that if I had a crappy one, I want to make sure that others don't. Is that silly of me? I mean really. I think I sent some cards to folks that don't even really care, or know me that well so what would they care? Still, hopefully they made folks smile a bit, made them feel a little loved (and hopefully not annoyed). That was the intent I suppose. Now I'm feeling rather stupid about it all.

See, I'm really good at beating the living hell out of myself. Oh I can make myself black and blue like no one's business. A lot of folks think that I tend to put myself down, but I sort of consider things like saying "Ah...but he wouldn't go for me cause I'm so butt ugly." to be something of an attempt to disempower the thought through joking about it. Sort of like turning the joke around on yourself so the other guy can't make it, which takes the power and sting away from it. Does this make any sense to anyone but me? Is this thing on? *testing microphone* Hm. But back to beating myself up for just a second. I've come to realize I am (and perhaps we all are) so much harder on myself than anyone else ever could be because I secretly strive for perfection. So, when I don't achieve that...yup...I beat myself up for being "stupid", which is actually....well stupid heh.

Tomorrow starts that long haul for me. I get to go to the book signing and then Friday I'm off to Cirque Du Soliel and then shooting Saturday and Sunday...and then it's the work week again. Course, I'm feeling lame about this considering what my other friends do in the course of say a week. Hell, I'm almost living the life of luxury compaired to some folks scheduals. Guess we all like to secretly complain a bit here and there eh?

I'm taking Chryssa's advice again and I'm gonna lay some stuff out on the line to dry a bit here. See, I think maybe two folks wished me a happy Valentine's and that was at the shop. (And Rey, I still think that "happy Tuesday" was a brilliant idea and thanks for the Tuesday wishes) One person in particular kinda wierded me out this year. It's a friend of mine from Myspace. I finally got around to calling him and he obviously didn't really want to talk...well shit man I told him I would call and here I am trying to honor that commitment right? So, it made me consider some things in my life lately.

1) Why am I doing things for people what don't seem to care about it?
2) Why the hell am I utilizing my time with folks that couldn't give a rat's ass about me in the long run, but somehow (even though Jas out here has made the same complaint, he still does it to me time and again it seems) hook on to me when they need something? I mean am I that much of a pushover?
3) What the hell am I really doing here? (and that could go for either the situation, or my own life in Cali at the moment, or life in general) When did common curtesy become obsolete anyways? It's not like I expect anything, but there are some folks that I have tried and tried and tried to simply be friends with ... and I feel like I come off looking like a loser in the end. I mean really...WTF?

Little known facts that I can pull out of my ass could prove I'm not a loser. *I* know I'm not and still I can't get past what other people think of me. It's really kinda bothering me lately. And exactly what DO these people think of me?

I mean shit...I'm the first to admit I lead a really really boring life. Only lately have things become interesting. I guess I'm missing my "partner in crime" to some degree. Miss having folks to just hang out with and chill with that I feel comfortable with. That's a big problem for me...but am I loser? AW HELLS NO! I have over 15 years of theatre experience under my belt, was in choirs from 7th grade through 2 years in college, I used to have the paintings I made in college (but were lost in moving). I know I'm not a loser but sometimes, in the trying to be a nice guy and make someone's life a little happier...I feel like I am a loser. I guess I want to be popular. I mean that kind of popular that you remember from High School days. Well I wasn't then and wasn't recognized I'm starting to feel that all over again. I think I've just become a fixture. That odd piece of furniture that you can't get rid of, but you never really think of. I am someone's ugly couch. (hehe....oh my god that actually made ME laugh)

So I'm calling an end to this round of beating myself up. I have too much on my plate for this weekend to delve into this much more. I guess I'm glad for that because it means I don't have to think about this kinda shit for a while. I'll be too worried about dropping a line, or enjoying Cirque too much to care, or getting the chance to meet Anthony Rapp (sigh...dreamy). I just know that I'm running the risk of futher title bouts in the near future. Guess I should train better next time hehe.

I think I need a break. :)


philly jane said...

Psh. Way to forget the gimp on V-Day.

Miladysa said...

We have theatres here too! Come on over and I can play at matchmaker :)