Well babies, I'm going in a wierd direction tonight. Quiet day here. I didn't do much more than plant some Glads and sit around playing a little XMen II on the PS2. Pretty relaxing actually. Too bad that tomorrow starts the work week again.
So when I went to the club on Friday, I honestly had a good time. I didn't even have a drink for cryin out loud. Just shot the shit with some friends and made a new friend and then...Gobo...well he didn't spin again that night but he gave me a free ticket to his club in Santa Cruz for this friday. I feel really compelled to go but right now all I can do is think about the work week and hope that I feel up to it after the next 5 days ya know?
I'm in a really wierd mental place tonight. Somehwere between disallusionment and ponderation. I'm just feeling that somehow I have missed out on a lot of things and there's no way to go backwards and do them now ya know? Hell, if I could I would be Merlin aging backwards (and yes I'm still working on that one hehe). Seriously though, I read a fair number of blogs out there and some folks are younger than me and ... well .. I feel like I somehow missed out on the "golden years" if you will. It wasn't even until I was around 30 that I actually started going out and having a semi-wild life. Hell, I think that was the first time I actually got drunk to tell the truth.
So I started to think about the obession with getting laid. I can't say that sex is bad (and yes there is such a thing as bad sex so don't even start with me on that one). I tend to think I was sexually messed up because of my youth actually. If you want to know what i mean by that, sorry, that stuff I don't even really tell people, just suffice to say that it wasn't exactly a great experience. So back to the topic here....getting laid. So what's so good about it? May sound silly but I got my hand ya know? Let's face it, you're single long enough you just kinda forget what it's like to have sex with someone else....and I honestly feel that I've gotten to the point where to some degree I honestly don't care anymore. Kinda like when you "hope" you'll win the lottery but you know the chances are outrageous so you basically just say "yeah, it would be nice".
So how did I manage to get here? How did I manage to mispend my "youth"? I'm the first to admit that I'm a dork. I'm not a really with it guy. I'm shy in crowds. I feel uncomfortable with people I find attractive. I have no real clue how to start a conversation in that aspect....AND, if you're in a club/bar....well the guys generally don't want to talk to you about your philosophical take on religion ya know? But, I'm actually kind ok with this.
What's bothering me is the aspect that I could have been out there being a "normal" gay man. I could have been out there hooking up if I wanted (although I've always just wanted a boyfriend), drinking my head off, (well there were raves but I wasn't drinking and my head was definately not right at those events but I had a great time), and ultimately testing out how this dating thing works. It's all very odd to me still. Doesn't make sense.
So I'll vent a little but not much here because, I used to hear from my friends that I was "trying too hard". Ok. Maybe I was, I'll admit that. But then, I was also told that I wasn't "trying hard enough". Does this make sense to anyone else? So you're supposed to stay neutral at all times? Plus, I know I need to healthy dose of self confidence to see me through...and that I'm working on.
I'm actually not upset or bitter about all this, just sort of...confused. Since the world is really like school, I think I missed the classes somewhere. Maybe I grabbed the wrong text book? Don't know really. Now, I feel that I'm passed the place where I could play these games ya know? Maybe I just need to get out there and see what happens, but...much as getting laid every now and then would be nice...it'd be nicer with a person I felt I was in love with. :)
Tune in tomorrow for the continuing soap opera that is my life hehe. Hell, maybe something will surprise me tomorrow and it'll all make sense. But I'm not holding my breath ;)
5 comments:
If you missed the classes in the school of life, I think I must have passed the school by entirely. :)
I'm embarassed to admit how little I've actually done.
As a blogger who is older than you, I understand about missing out on the "golden years".
When you figure out Merlin's secret, you will share it, won't you, pleeease? :)
Don't we all have those same regrets? I've never known anyone in my life who didn't look back at their youth with some level of remorse for opportunities missed. It's hindsight: we look back upon our childhood years and apply adult logic and experience to what we find there. That always leads to seeing things differently, understanding what should have been done versus what was done, and ultimately deciding we'd love the chance to go back and do it again. Of course, doing so would change who we are today, so it's a double-edged sword.
To me, regret is part of what makes me who I am, and I like to think I learned from those missed opportunities even if I want to kick myself for the way I handled situations that now seem so clear.
Life is one long learning experience. We learn more from mistakes than successes. Like you, I suspect I missed the point several times along the way, but haven't we all? I think the challenge is to face it without the help of instructions and to do the best we can. I know that just doesn't seem good enough, but I've yet to meet anyone who comes into the game knowing all the rules and having all the right answers. If I do meet that person, I'll surely want to kill them for not sharing earlier.
I'm in your boat too Michael..I know exactly what your talking about. Hooking up for sex is a shallow empty experience. I want a boyfriend to love and share my life with. Lets get married. :)
Wow Michael deep post. Believe it or not I was feeling sort of the same way. I know I was only 19 but I was beggining to think the right guy was never gonna come along. Then out of the blue Ryan falls in my lap. Keep the good thought a Ryan could fall in your lap too.
Right now I really wish I was a Fairy Godmother!
((Hugs))
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