Am I blue-ish

Oh darlins...I just don't know sometimes. I mean, here I am going about my day and then stuff seems to hit ya square in the face sometimes. So, here I sit listening right now to Rufus Wainwright which is helping a bit. Why so bummed? (although it's not like I'm completely down in the dumps) Just realizing what I don't think I'll ever have. Stupid and very non Buddhistic of me, but after going over to see my little Brenden....and watching D&H with him, I realized I'll never have that. I'll never have a little guy, or girl, squigglin and screamin in my arms. It's a saddening actually. Kinda like looking in a window at a Christmas display where everything seems all perfect (even though I know it's not), and knowing that it's all just an illusion of your mind. But sometimes what I wouldn't give for that illusion ya know?

Ah fuck this...ya know Bob Marley once was quoted as saying "It is what it is from beginning to end." Ain't that just the truth? Bill Hicks said that "it's just a ride". Makes sense to some degree. It's a crazy ass ride too. Sometimes I think it's dull and boring and then you hit that rollercoaster level of stuff where you just dropped 80 feet down and are about to hit the loops. Sometimes scary, sometimes exciting, but mostly I wind up screaming because it's fun. Hm...how's that for a new quote about life? "I wind up screaming because it's fun"...think I'm gonna put that on a T-shirt hehe.

I got to hang out last night with my friend Adam and catch up a little with him post Israel, and pre moving to So Cal. He was down at my shop last night and then I wound up hangin out with him and his friend as they played guitars. Damn them both cause they were amazing. It was a pretty amazingly cool night. We were outside under the stars (before the clouds rolled in), and no lights to speak of, and them just playin and singing. I haven't had a night like that in a while. Made me think of college to some degree.

The last year in college (before I was asked not to come back...yup, pretty much kicked out of college), I shared a house with my friend Ed. Now Ed played guitar pretty damn well, and he had a thing for the Greatful Dead. The house (which is in a small town in Texas) had a front porch which we had a couple of beat up cushy chairs and at one point an old beat up couch on. I remember coming in and there would be Ed just playing some Dead song, maybe something by The Band, and we'd sit there just singing together and him playing. There's something really magical about times like that. Something that I seem to have forgotten until last night.

I miss singing actually. I'm thinking about hitting a site on the internet and seeing if I can find some Cat Stevens tabs to download and see if I can get my fingers back to playing. Yup...I dabble in guitar. I'd say I play but I haven't for months. Same could be said about piano but that's probably been a few years now. Ya gotta love being able to make music. Now if I could just get past the fear of making wrong note, feel a bit more confident in what I was doing, and take some lessons maybe I could actually do some more writing. (I have written a song...as in one...and now I don't know how I managed to do that)

Well this is a rambly kinda message and I'm starting to feel a bit better about things. After all, I have folks that love me. I have folks that I consider my family reguardless of not being related to them. I got good friends. And even H called today and said to me "Brenden hasn't seen his Uncle Michael in a while, when you coming over?" Now if that's not a little taste of heaven, what is really?

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!